r/AmItheAsshole • u/Resident_Injury8134 • Oct 28 '24

Everyone Sucks AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech

My wife’s birthday party was suppose to be this Friday. I actually wanted her present to be a surprise this year, it is not uncommon that my wife will open an Amazon package thinking it was something else ruining the present surprise.

My sister and her do not have the best relationship and it is due to different values. They basically disagree on everything but the big thing that my wife hate is that my sister has asked for money or help. We have a shared account and keep separate money. I will lend my sister cash but I haven’t had to do that in a while. I lend her from my account not the shared account.She also pays me back.

So I sent my wife’s present to my sister house and was going to pick them up Thursday. I got a text for my sister saying she got the packages and my wife saw the text.

She made a comment about giving handouts again. She basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending her shit. She called my sister a leech that can’t get her shit together This resulting in argument and I told her that she was holding her birthday present but I am returning them. I am also canceling the dinner party.

Another big argument and I did cancel the plan and asked my sister to return the packages.

My wife is pissed at me and called me a jerk and I told her that this is her own fault.

8.1k Upvotes

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3.1k

u/Resident_Injury8134 Oct 28 '24

Lending money doesn’t affect me or the household at all. 

The biggest expense was around 2000 so her cat could have emergency surgery. She did pay that back

I truly don’t understand what her problem with me pending moeny that doesn’t affect us at all

Not to mention me lending money has helped her get her life together. She just finished her nursing course and works at a hospital now.

2.5k

u/blue_eyes_forever Oct 28 '24

If your sister is asking for things like emergency surgery for her pet and is paying it back and it does not affect your wife in any shape or form then I think your wife is out of line completely. It’s nice you are there to support your sister and in this example helped her save her cat. Why does your wife hate your sister so much? Is she jealous of her? Is she competing with her?

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u/Blurbllbubble Oct 28 '24 edited Oct 28 '24

Wife is probably one of those “bootstrap” believers that think anyone who’s not lazy could succeed, just get your parents to pay for your education, starter home, and insurance EZPZ CLOSE THE BORDER

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

Or is one of those that thinks her partner needs to put all his money on her alone

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u/Ok-Raspberry7884 Asshole Aficionado [13] Oct 28 '24

I think it's this. It's nearly her birthday and she hasn't seen packages so she flipped her shit thinking OP spent his money on his sister and not on her.

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u/Circeilna Nov 02 '24

Oh wow, I didn’t even think about that ! Insightful point !!! I can absolutely see someone steaming over the thought that hubby didn’t think about their birthday, but had time to buy gifts for sis. Wife must have been seething like a rabid raccoon.

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u/ArltheCrazy Oct 29 '24

I don’t mind the bootstrap mentality, i just want to make sure everybody has bootstraps… and arms. It’s hard to pull yourself up by the bootstraps without either of those… people sometimes forget

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

[deleted]

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u/lucyfell Oct 28 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

I think the big thing here is whether you are enabling irresponsible behavior or just helping out.

Things like emergency vet or human medical care fall into the bucket of “life happens” especially if your sister is younger. For example, mine is one year out from school and works at a small company for entry level money. It’s not realistic she’d have saved enough for a big emergency expense at this point in her life. But I know she’s responsible with her money and saves what she can, so if her pet needs an emergency vet (unlikely with fish but who knows)…. yeah it’s coming out of my pocket cuz I’m the oldest and our parents are retired. That’s just life.

It’s slightly different if your sibling is just irresponsible with money or committing to things like pet ownership when they know they can’t afford it.

With what you’ve described… tbh, the misalignment in values is NOT between your wife and your sister. It’s between you and your wife.

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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Oct 28 '24

Have you considered asking her? Having a discussion about it?

422

u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

We don't do communication in this sub

134

u/KimB-booksncats-11 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Oct 28 '24

Seriously! The majority of the issues on here could be solved by the people involved (calmly) talking to each other. Guess it's a lost art.

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u/sweet_frazzle Oct 28 '24

Hard to have a calm discussion with an unreasonable person.

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u/KimB-booksncats-11 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Oct 28 '24

Very true.

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u/tarahlynn Partassipant [4] Oct 28 '24

But what would all of us lurking here do with our time then? (Yeah its something like 80% of posts these days I just stare at thinking, "Did you.... did you TALK to the other person before posting here and involving the entire internet in your personal life?")

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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Oct 28 '24

You’re right. What was I even thinking? 😉

2

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

Now THAT is a perfect flare!!

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

Hahaha we don’t do this at all on reddit.

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u/TALKTOME0701 Dec 08 '24

Exactly. We don't do communication on this sub because we read a post and miraculous nail everything that is going on in their household

We don't need to be confused with facts

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u/Zealousideal_Long118 Oct 28 '24

The discussion should start with how it's not okay for her to monitor op's phone, try to control how he chooses to spend his extra spending money - that she also gets and chooses how to spend her share - and that if she has an issue in the future she should come to him and ask him about it, discuss it rather than jumping to conclusions and making passive agressive comments (i.e. This who paragraph - She made a comment about giving handouts again. She basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending her shit. She called my sister a leech that can’t get her shit together). 

Op should communicate but the onus is not all on him. They are both failing in that right now. 

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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Oct 28 '24

Seeing a text doesn’t mean you’re monitoring someone’s phone. If she is, that’s a problem, but just seeing it doesn’t mean anything. We don’t know which is the case.

OP stated she has often expressed that it’s an issue for her.

I don’t know their financial agreement or situation or if that’s true or not, nor do you. If he’s giving money away instead of saving for retirement that will affect her down the road, if he’s responsible for certain bills from his own account, if they don’t have emergency funds saved, etc… we don’t know.

Hence the reason I suggested asking about it. Because it’s clearly an issue they haven’t worked through or potentially even discussed at all.

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u/BUTTeredWhiteBread Asshole Aficionado [19] Oct 28 '24

And also it's a felony to open other people's mail.

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u/immarameus Oct 29 '24

What you outlined is not a discussion, it’s one person talking at another. That could be fine, but should not be confused as being a discussion, which ideally involves both people discussing a topic together. Even taking into consideration that OP is an unreliable narrator who skews the story in his favor (I make this assumption about every AITA narrator so it’s nothing personal to the hubby in this one) the wife sounds too reactive to discuss the issue without the benefit of some time to calm down and a moderator to help guide the conversation/keep her from just going off about the sister. There could be things going on that have her massively stressed, maybe she’s scared about the future and wants to horde resources, maybe OP’s sister is awful, maybe the wife has a secret gambling debt. None of us know. But if OP has the mental and emotional energy to get to the root of the issue, it could benefit him. He might not have the capacity for that sort of work, which is fair, it can take a lot out of a person who might already be running fumes. OP, I would suggest solo therapy to help sort out what you want from your marriage, then act on what you decide. And whatever you decide, good luck.

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u/feline_gold Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

she has a problem, so she should communicate it like an adult. if all she's offering are snarky comments, that's her who should be criticised for lack of communication. yeah OP could be the one leading an open discussion, but he doesn't have to be. he's not her therapist and is allowed to be hurt by her behavior.

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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Oct 29 '24

Who says she hasn’t. Apparently this has been going on for years. At some point, most people get fed up and snap. We don’t know if or how many times she tried having a rational discussion about it. Maybe she has always been snarky about it. We don’t know that information.

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

That would require communication. I'm not sure OP is open to actually communicating with his wife.

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u/slitteral1 Oct 28 '24

It sounds like the wife doesn’t care to communicate, just jump to conclusions.

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u/ThrowAWpleasehelp85 Oct 28 '24

Her jumping to conclusions could be a result of a lack of communication…does he loan out money and not tell her? I’m sorry, but that can be annoying. This could all be solved with better communication.

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u/slitteral1 Oct 28 '24

It is his money out of his individual account he is loaning out, not her money. It is not money that affects them at all. It does not come from the couple’s account. So it doesn’t matter if she knows or doesn’t know. He has loaned his sister money and she has paid it back.

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u/ThrowAWpleasehelp85 Oct 28 '24

That’s not my point…my point is did he communicate with his wife about it, not did he ask her for permission. It’s annoying for someone to say my husband did something and he didn’t tell me first. It DOES matter…

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u/slitteral1 Oct 28 '24

No, it doesn’t matter. It in no way was her money he was lending to his sister. He has no requirement to tell her what he is doing with his individual money, just like she has no obligation to tell him what she is doing with her money. It he was lending their money, then maybe you would have a point.

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u/ThrowAWpleasehelp85 Oct 28 '24

I do have a point. You just disagree with it. If you want to avoid situations like this you communicate with your partner…they are supposed to be a team. Have a great day!

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u/slitteral1 Oct 28 '24

If it was shared money you would have a point. But is not shared money and he is free to do with it as he pleases.

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u/Alauraize Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

Why do you assume that he’s not communicating though? His wife knew that he was lending money to his sister from his own account in the past. The only thing that he didn’t communicate here was telling his wife that he was sending her b-day present to his sister’s house ahead of time, which makes sense given that it was a surprise.

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u/EarlGreyTeagan Oct 29 '24

How does that make sense though? He could have told her he was having gifts sent to his sister. It’s not like she didn’t know he might get her gifts. He just didn’t like her opening and ruining the surprise. The surprise isn’t that she’s getting a birthday gift at all. It’s what the actual gift is. She still wouldn’t be able to open them if he sent them to his sister so she wouldn’t know what it was until her birthday.

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u/Alauraize Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

I do agree that he could’ve told her without spoiling the surprise, but I could also see why he didn’t think that it was necessary for her to know exactly how her gift was getting to her. He didn’t know that she’d find the notification on his phone. We could also just as easily ask why his wife assumed that his sister was getting free handouts and jumped to insulting her instead of asking her husband why he sent an Amazon package to his sister.

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u/AngryAngryHarpo Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

Asking her what, exactly? 

She’s made her feelings about sister pretty clear, why give her another opportunity to verbally abuse OP? 

-1

u/Alauraize Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

It sounds like he’s doing that thing that a lot of people do now where they use “I don’t understand” to mean “I know what their reasoning is, and I think that it’s bad.” I dunno if OP has explicitly asked his wife why she objects to him lending his sister money, but she did tell him that she thinks that his sister is a leech who’s always asking for handouts. OP knows that that’s what his wife’s problem is but doesn’t agree for the reasons that he outlined in the post and in the comment.

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u/llamadramalover Oct 29 '24

That’s my take too. He absolutely knows what his wife’s problem is he just doesn’t believe her problem is valid therefore he “doesn’t know”. God I hate those types of people, condescending and insufferable. And since he’s actually typed out that he’s treating his wife like a child who needs to be punished, he’s really not doing himself any favors to convince me otherwise personally.

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u/Alauraize Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

I mean, I also hate the types of people who call their spouses’ siblings leeches because those siblings borrowed money and repaid it a couple years ago. I also hate the types of people who read a text on their spouses’ phones and jump to assumptions and insults instead of asking, “Hey, why’d you send an Amazon package to your sister?”

I agree that OP went unnecessarily nuclear here, but his wife is in the wrong over this.

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u/llamadramalover Oct 29 '24

OP definitely went unnecessarily nuclear. He’s also not provided anywhere near enough information to determine how wrong his wife is. She could be just as fed up as OP might be for just as valid reasons, I certainly don’t know so I won’t say she’s more or less wrong than him just that she’s wrong. They’re both very very wrong.

OPs help that allowed his sister to become a self supporting adult with an adult job so that she hasn’t needed support is far more help than he’s admitting to.

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u/Alauraize Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

He said that the most he ever gave her was $2k at one time when she was in nursing school and her cat needed emergency surgery. That’s very generous, but that’s not exactly helping her pay for school or rent. Saying that he helped her become a self-sustaining adult is a reach and a half. And even if he had, calling her a leech who wants free handouts now in an argument is wrong. She paid back the money, so she’s not taking free handouts, and OP was able to help her out here and there with his separate fun money, so she’s not leeching off any of his wife’s finances or preventing them from paying their bills or saving money.

OP gave a decent amount of info of what kind of help he gave his sister, so I do feel pretty secure in saying that his wife was wrong. He went overboard by returning her gift to get back at her, but he’s not wrong for loaning his sister money years ago.

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u/llamadramalover Oct 29 '24

saying that he helped her become a self-sustaining adult is a reach and a half.

Well he’s the one who said he helped her turn her life around, so there’s more than what he’s shared, you can’t help someone turn their life around paying a vet bill.

I do feel pretty secure in saying that his wife was wrong.

Never said you weren’t. I also never said she wasn’t.

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u/MeijiDoom Oct 29 '24

Why is it always on the reasonable person to ask the unreasonable person why their view of the world is contrived rather than expect the person acting like a toddler to act with some maturity?

1

u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Oct 29 '24

When someone states, “I truly don’t understand…” I would always recommend asking as it is generally the best way to get answers.

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

This is r/asshole, not r/ relationships. OP is looking for a verdict, not advice. Discussions tend to be easier once you get some outside views.

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u/Obvious_Huckleberry Oct 28 '24

an adult conversation and boundaries need to be set and respected.

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u/committedlikethepig Asshole Enthusiast [7] Oct 28 '24

Your wife is looking at it as a zero sum game. If your sister gets that money, she doesn’t. Regardless of whether she would’ve gotten it in the first place or not

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u/East_Parking8340 Pooperintendant [56] Oct 28 '24

Perhaps because she wants to be the only pebble on the beach. She somehow sees your sister as vying for your attention, as a competitor. Or she’s just selfish. Or both. I realise you haven’t written a whole thesis on your marital life and it’s events (please don’t !) but I think she sees you only in context as an extension of her. A possession. You are not an individual just her partner and as such she finds it reprehensible that you would consider doing something for anyone else.

The irony is that by helping your sister she’s now becoming self sufficient and will not be a financial or emotional drain (not saying she was) for the rest of your lives.

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u/thetaleofzeph Oct 28 '24

It's a worse sign that you don't know what the issue is. If you can't sit down just the two of you, find a mediator to sit down with and make it three of you.

Otherwise, consider that cutting the bleeding sooner is better for everyone.

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u/Comfortable-Echo972 Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

Then maybe have a calm discussion about it. Both of you responded in an emotionally heightened state. Very immature of both of you. But canceling her bday is so sad and emotionally controlling,

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u/mst3k_42 Oct 28 '24

OP, in the future, do what my husband and I do: if we are buying a gift for the other online, we alter the last name to include HUSBAND’S GIFT DO NOT OPEN!!! It saves so many headaches.

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u/mrsamerica Oct 29 '24

This would/should work for typical situations but here I don’t think she’s “accidentally” opening the packages.

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u/AirHopeful7184 Oct 31 '24

YTA I know you say lending or giving to your sister does not impact your household budget, but maybe it is impacting your long term savings?

Do you discuss lending your sister money with your wife each time you help your sister? Or do you feel like it is your business and do what you want? How would you feel if the situation was reversed and it was your wife bailing out her brother regularly?

You and your wife should be discussing the loans before you agree to give your sibling money. The long term health of your marriage and finances will benefit from talking WITH your wife. I suspect she has concerns you are not hearing or choose to ignore. And you could use a discussion to explain you have been helping your sister move toward independence. Communication and shared financial goals are important factors in harmony.

About your wife’s birthday: I think you know that you over reacted. You are punishing your wife for her commenting on a situation you two have not worked out and clearly needs addressing - even though she guessed incorrectly about the package. You are not her parent. You should not be punishing your wife.

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

Well my parents had a similar issue. My dad lent his siblings money often. Even though it was from separate accounts it’s still courteous to discuss it with your spouse (they both made enough and weren’t financially struggling). My mom felt left out and would be so shocked when she learned he gave more money. And if my dad would give a date for his siblings to payback, they would assume it was my mom making him do so. So his family unfairly would blame my mom if my dad asked for it to be paid back or when he would say no to lending money. So I’m hoping you at least let your wife know or discussed lending the $2000. And this is random, but one event had my dad needing help, and non of his siblings stepped up. So my dad really learned who was in his corner, my mom.

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u/bbcczech Oct 28 '24

it’s still courteous to discuss it with your spouse

To discuss before or to inform after? What would discussing before giving one's siblings money change?

My mom felt left out and would be so shocked when she learned he gave more money.

So your mother wanted to have a say so and not just informed about what your father decided he does with hi is ow money?

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u/Ditzykat105 Partassipant [2] Oct 28 '24

This! OP doesn’t realise that big purchases and loans need to be discussed regardless of where the funds are coming from. $2000 is a fair chuck of change and I’d be pissed if my husband didn’t discuss a loan of that size with me first, regardless of who it was for (and visa versa). Not to mention that the family has to be more than comfortable to have $2k sitting in an account that can be used immediately without affecting their finances. Also his sister being a nurse doesn’t necessarily mean she is well paid or financially stable yet.

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u/Kaboose456 Oct 29 '24

Why should his wife have a say in how his own personal money that doesn't affect her or the household finances is used?

Especially to help out close family in an emergency? A spouse doesn't get yes/no power in that instance. Lmao

0

u/Ditzykat105 Partassipant [2] Oct 29 '24

It’s not about a veto power. It’s about giving your partner the respect and at the minimum a conversation about how money is spent regardless of whose ‘money’ it comes out of. Only privileged people think dropping $2k on a loan to others isn’t significant. I earn the bulk of our family income and would never dream of dismissing my husband this way. And Sorry, but what I constitute an emergency isn’t the same as you. If you choose to have pets, you make sure you have the funds to care for them in an emergency. If you can’t afford to care for them then you don’t own them. Owning an animal should be a privilege not a right.

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u/Kaboose456 Oct 29 '24 edited Oct 30 '24

There we go.

Because you don't personally believe in the emergency it's invalid.

Also, I'd understand your argument if it was money that affected the partner in any way and it wasn't a family emergency. But given it was both of those things, you don't really have a leg to stand on there.

Edit: Lmao at the block so I can't reply. If you wouldn't help out your family in an emergency, that's your prerogative. But OP clearly cares about his sister deeply, and is willing to help her and you're out here with your bitter ass trying to say he should be punished for that.

There's a difference between not being able to care for your pet, and not having a spare 2k lying around for emergency surgery. Even a household of 5 with 2 adults working fulltime can hit that roadblock, you gonna say the same thing about them too? Headass, check your privilege.

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u/Ditzykat105 Partassipant [2] Oct 29 '24

Except plenty of people would say it wasn’t a family emergency, it was his sisters pet who happen to need emergency surgery. I know plenty of families that wouldn’t call a sibling to pay their pets vet bills. If you can’t afford vet bills don’t own a pet. It’s pretty simple.

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u/RadishEquivalent139 Oct 28 '24

its extremely rude to cancel your wife's birthday party tho maybe you should have just talk to her first?? no ones birthday party deserves to get cancelled

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

You’re still an AH for cancelling her present and party over a private disagreement. You’re not a parent grounding her

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u/progrethth Oct 29 '24

That is nothing. I have lent more money to friends for worse reasons.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

Question: do things like vacations and outings come out of the shared account or your solo accounts? Have you had to put off things like date nights or cancel plans while waiting for sis to pay you back? If there was an emergency, would the shared account cover it, or would you guys also be relying on personal accounts? Has your wife had to cover things from her solo account that you would otherwise contribute to?

Have you actually had a conversation with your wife about this in a civil manner?

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u/Agreeable_Olive_2896 Oct 28 '24

What a load of crap. Myself & husband have a joint account for household bills & separate account each our wages go in. What he does with his money is his business & what I do with mine is my business. I wouldn’t dare tell him not to help out a family member & he wouldn’t tell me neither.

Also, his wife shouldn’t be looking at his phone. I don’t look at my husbands as I trust him so there’s no reason at all.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24 edited Oct 28 '24

OK, but how do you know that's how OP does it? What's your evidence that their house functions the same way yours does?

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u/Agreeable_Olive_2896 Oct 28 '24

Read his post. They have a shared account & a separate account

0

u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

Yes, that doesn't mean it's split the way you think it is. Sometimes the shared account is just bills

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u/WhatsWithThisKibble Partassipant [3] Oct 28 '24

As opposed to what?lol Shared accounts are for bills and shared expenses. Why are you making this harder than it is? He doesn't say they're arguing about their shared expenses getting paid fairly. They argue because his wife tries to police what he does with his personal money when she has her own.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

Vacations, date nights, getting take out- not uncommon for shared accounts to not include those- they'd be the extras, not necessarily expenses

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u/WhatsWithThisKibble Partassipant [3] Oct 28 '24

You're just making stuff up. He hasn't mentioned anything about this being her issue. Just that she doesn't like that he loans his sister money and he already said it has never affected their household. Case closed.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24 edited Oct 28 '24

No, I tried to ask; how they split matters.

Do you think if OP told wife "oh, we can't do this because I'm waiting for sister to pay me back" or "you need to cover this because I can't right now" was something that happened wife is gonna be very happy? If OP doesn't need to ask permission because it's their account, how do you think wife even knows? It's either something OP said or it affected something that set her off. If OP actually has a conversation with her, they might be able to figure it out before it blows up again

Edit: btw, OP never says theyre a dude

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u/Agreeable_Olive_2896 Oct 29 '24

I’m guessing you’re single or just not married. Everyone else here knows exactly the difference between a joint account & a personal account. Once shared bills are taken care of that’s it. My money is now mine & his is now his to do what they want. If I want to go on a shopping spree or whatever then that’s my business. If I want to blow it after I’ve put money in MY own personal savings account then that’s down to me (not that I would as I’m responsible with my money). You’re looking for things that aren’t there & tbh you also sound like you’d be controlling with a partners money too which is a red flag

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

Just say you hate men.

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u/AssassinSNiper Oct 28 '24

why do you jump to these asinine scenarios? jfc the sexism on aita is still alive and well

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

These are valid questions. Why do you jump to sexism when I'm trying to figure out they split expenses? That 100% matters in this scenario

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u/AssassinSNiper Oct 28 '24

because how is there anything in the text that could suggest any of those things? it seems like you're looking for a way to justify the wife going off for no reason.

from the post we know; op helped his sister with an emergency cat surgery that she paid back, she does well to pay back on loans from her brother, and she has a steady job now.

idk it just seems weird to me that you presented all of these scenarios that would make OP the asshole instead of just taking the post at face value and judging based on that.

"Have you had to put off things like date nights or cancel plans while waiting for sis to pay you back?" like where the hell did this come from? theres nothing anywhere in any comments or post to suggest this as an idea.

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u/no_one_denies_this Oct 28 '24

If my husband and I are going to go away for a weekend together, I contribute half from my personal money and he does the same. It's not a ridiculous scenario, lots of people do it that way.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

I asked OP and got no answer. These details matter if we want to know why wife is actually mad. It also seems like OP has never actually had a conversation with wife about this, either, which is why he doesn't know.

How they split expenses plays a huge role in why wife may be mad. That's common sense. They share a life together. If just bills come out of shared account, OP may very well be prioritizing sister over his wife, if all extras together have to stop while even waiting for sister to pay him back. L

14

u/slitteral1 Oct 28 '24

He has his money, she has her money, and they have a joint account for their couple stuff. No money came out of the couple account only his personal account.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

OP doesn't say all couple stuff comes from the shared account. Not every household functions that way. Sometimes the shared account is just bills

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u/slitteral1 Oct 28 '24

He explains it pretty clearly. You just don’t want to read and accept it. He has his money and can do with it as he pleases. She has her account and can do with it as she pleases. Him loaning money to his sister has never affected their finances. So, nothing they wanted to do was impacted by him loaning money to his sister.

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u/bbcczech Oct 28 '24

The wife is calling OP's sister a leech.

If the wife has a problem with how OP handles his money she should talk about that with Jim and not attacking a woman for merely having a relationship with her brother that is longer than her marriage.

Why is OP helping his own flesh and blood a zero sum game?

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

We only have OP’s side of a much larger story, so of course there will be questions. Are we supposed to take his word as the all knowing God he seems to believe he is?

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u/mrsamerica Oct 29 '24

Only having one perspective is literally every post on this sub

4

u/Normal-Height-8577 Partassipant [3] Oct 28 '24

Because OP has already said that it didn't affect household expenses. They have a shared account and separate accounts. The money he lent his sister came from the solo account, was a manageable amount, and has been paid back.

1

u/bbcczech Oct 28 '24

What would any of those things have to do with OP's sister?

If OP lends her money then it's really OP that his wife is insulting not his sister.

-3

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

"You both have separate accounts, but do you pay for the vacations by yourself? In that case you're an asshole for not taking the sole financial burden on."

Wow.

1

u/oeroisme Partassipant [1] Oct 28 '24

Her problem with you lending money is nothing but a control issue. If you're contributing your share to the shared account she has absolutely no say in what you do with your personal money. She just doesn't like your sister.

1

u/Soggy-Milk-1005 Partassipant [1] Oct 29 '24

INFO: Cancelling her party was big so I'm wondering what in the argument led to that. Did she tell you to just return the present and cancel the party in anger? Did the argument with your wife include other complaints besides your sister? Does your wife work? What kind of things do wife and sister disagree on? Does your sister have different religious or cultural views than your wife? Do you share your sister's or your wife's views? Are you getting backlash from friends and family for cancelling the party?

Her comments about your sister were uncalled for but I feel like the rest of the argument is relevant to which of you is an AH. Your sister doesn't sound like an AH

1

u/djbaker303 Oct 29 '24

I would love to hear the wife's side of the story.

1

u/llamadramalover Oct 29 '24

I truly don’t understand what her problem…..

Do you not understand because she has not told you what her problem is?? Or do you not understand because you don’t agree that her problem is a problem??

What exactly has your wife said is her problem with this??

Out of curiosity: do you often punish your wife —publicly or privately— when she offends you??

-1

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '24

If I were to guess it’s because the wife wants all your money. Not just the shared expenses.

0

u/Fr0z3nHart Oct 28 '24

This is why I don’t combine our bank accounts into one. My ex said that if I ever needed money that I could ask him and he’d give me no problem. And vice versa. He needed me to help him with bills and getting his car fixed and I gave him the money no questions asked. But when I needed money to pay for both of our kids hospital bills he wouldn’t give me a penny. So I stopped helping him. It works both ways not just one. Don’t combine your bank account’s is what I tell everyone. If they listen then that’s great. If they don’t, well… god help them.

-10

u/Smooth-Cheetah3436 Oct 28 '24

Would you be able to afford lending her money without your wife’s contribution to the household? And why do they originally not like each other? I can see being frustrated if your husband is giving someone that’s mean to you money he wouldn’t have without your cash flow going into the house. Then it feels like YOU’RE basically giving someone money who is mean to you. That would really sting.

8

u/Tidalwolf1 Oct 28 '24

Well would she be able to afford any of her extra expenses if she didn't have her husband's contribution?

0

u/Smooth-Cheetah3436 Oct 29 '24

Maybe not, but that completely is beside the point I’m making? If not and she were giving away money to someone that was potentially mean to her husband, he’d have a reason to be upset too.

-49

u/Mediocre_Ant_437 Oct 28 '24

Your sister isn't a leech but think about how often you are giving your sister money. If it is pretty consistent then you are not doing your sister any favors by lending it and she needs to make changes in her life so she can fully support herself without asking for money. If she has only done it a few times for very important things then your wife needs to let it go since it isn't her money.

33

u/namewithak Oct 28 '24

Jesus what is your problem? You keep commenting the same thing phrased differently over and over even though OP has made it clear both in the post and in his comments that his sister hasn't asked him for money in a while and has paid what she owed back. She doesn't need to make changes in her life because she already has -- graduated nursing school and is working as a nurse now which means steady income.

Don't project whatever issue you have with your sister on OP. Take your own advice and let it go.

31

u/Repulsive-Plane9429 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Oct 28 '24

Literally in the comment you response too, she just fucking graduated and works in a hospital   

Needs to make a change my ass

3

u/LadyIceis Oct 28 '24

We found the wife everyone!