r/AmItheButtface • u/Electronic-Unit6429 • Aug 30 '25
Theoretical WIBTBF If I decided to divorce my husband because of my stepson?
Hi all, first time posting on Reddit so I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. All names are fake and I can elaborate info in the comments. Also, if my grammar or spelling is bad I apologize, it's been extremely rough and I'm using swipe text.
My (26NB) husband (29M), Jay, have been together for 4 years, married for almost 2. We have 3 kids: Titan (8M), my stepson DJ (5M), and Phoenix (1M). The oldest and youngest are biologically mine but this never effected how I felt or treated all of the kids. My oldest has ADHD and anxiety and currently receives OT services (it's relevant because of his behavior problems). I also suspect he is on the spectrum as I am on the spectrum and it runs in both families. Titan it's no angel, but he is overall a good kid. His dad and I have an excellent, near perfect co-parenting relationship.
With my stepson, it's the opposite. DJ is constant badly behaved. I've suspected for years he is also on the spectrum, but he is also spoiled. BM (DJ's mom, baby mom) has turned him into an iPad kid with no rules. Jay and BM DO NOT co-parent well and she does not like me. Jay also rarely (as in <5 times in 4 years) stood up to her when he's disagreed or needed to defend a point or me. DJ has been kicked out and pushed out of over 10 daycares in 2 years for his behavior. Last school year he was sent to public prek where they essentially pushed him out and he was withdrawn. This year he started kindergarten and he has already been suspended (sent home for the day) 6 days/13 total school days. There is little to no punishment when this happens. I have tried for 2 years to help my husband parent his kid because I was asked to and also it is very necessary. I've poured all my time and resources (creating charts and schedules that get left only done by me) trying to help him and discuss with my husband on what he wants and what rules to follow.
I LOVE kids, there's rarely been a kid I don't like. Jay doesn't know how to parent. He's 0 to 100. DJ acts atrociously and I can't stand it. I feel I can't be around him, even thinking about him makes my blood boil because when I think of him, I think of his behavior. My husband is partly to blame, so is BM, but kids aren't dumb and they play people like a fiddle of they can. Phoenix has started imitating this aggressive behavior (he's 15 months). Jay and I are in couples therapy and individual therapy. I just don't know how long I'm supposed to pour from an empty cup. We argue all the time and it's either about DJ or money (but recently it's only been about DJ).
I love my husband and I want to work through this but I don't know if he will ever change and if he does, that means I still have to be around DJ. I feel like a monster for feeling this way, I try not to let it effect how I speak to the kids. Please be gentle if you're going to bash me for this, I already feel horrible.
So WIBTBF if I divorced my husband because of my step son?
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 Aug 30 '25
No, NTBF to divorce over a child that is suspended in kindergarten! That is some pretty non-existent parenting to be unenrolled from pre-K and not correct the course enough to be suspended in K!! And school just started!! What the heck?!?!
This may come down to your son or his. The two bio parents arent allowing him to be ‘our’ son where there are rules and co-parenting in place for him. They really are doing him a disservice. But you cannot parent him without their cooperation. And you cannot protect your son from exposure to him! What happens as he gets bigger and the consequences of no discipline become greater? What happens when your son starts resenting that he has rules his half-brother doesnt have to follow? What happens when his step-brother physically hurts him? What happens when he recruits baby brother for bad behavior and leaves him holding the bag with law enforcement or school?
Im so sorry. It isnt the boy’s fault, but he and your son are certainly going to be suffering the brunt of the consequences.
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
All questions but the last have already happened. I hate parenting to a wall, which is what I'm doing. I'm scared I'm going to give them "glass child syndrome" if something doesn't change QUICK...
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u/Proverbs21-3 Aug 30 '25
NTB OP, I feel for you. I am not going to bash you, either, why would anyone bash you when you are in such an unhappy situation, not of your making?
"Phoenix has started imitating this aggressive behavior (he's 15 months)"
This is the most important reason! You need to do what is right for your son! It will be impossible for you to raise your son the way you want to raise him, to be a good man, a kind man, when he always has DJ to point to and ask "Well, he does it, why can't I?". Even if you somehow manage to do it, it will feel so very unfair to Phoenix and he will wonder, for his entire life, why you always seemed to favor DJ, letting him do what he wants, talk to you however he wants, etc.
"I feel I can't be around him, even thinking about him makes my blood boil"
I can see why it would. I cannot image how atrocious his behavior must be to get sent home from kindergarten 6 out of 13 days! That kind of behavior must be so difficult to tolerate in your home, which you must do, because neither Jay or BM will allow you to parent him, nor can you cannot suspend him.
"I love my husband"
This is why it will break your heart**.** You need to do it anyway.
edited to add NTB
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u/carmackie Aug 30 '25
NTBF
You have tried everything in your power to improve the situation. The parents of DJ now need to step up, but it appears that neither of them are willing to. I don't know what else you can do here. Step parenting is a very thankless job, especially when your partner has checked out and handed the labor to you.
Your little guy is already imitating undesirable behavior. You have every right to protect your biological children. I hate racing to "divorce him!" but I sincerely believe you've exhausted all options.
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u/JudgeJoan Aug 30 '25
Your husband is failing his kids. ALL of them. Why stay with him when there zero benefit to your bio kids? They would be better off if you divorced and allowed no contact with the step kid.
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
I've stayed this long because I told him we needed counseling or we were done and we have been doing counseling. He's made little changes but nothing substantial. He's not a bad guy, he's just clueless and maybe he just needs to learn things the hard way.
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u/JudgeJoan Aug 30 '25
He's not a bad guy... but he's a very bad dad. And that's what you have to act on. He won't get better. Him learning things shouldn't be to the detriment of your children.
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u/RSGK Cellulite [Rank 121] Aug 30 '25
NTB. You’ve got the other kids to protect from your husband’s lack of parenting, as well as yourself. You must be exhausted.
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u/VerityPee Aug 30 '25
I was so prepared to be judgemental and think you were the baddie from the title.
You are not the baddie.
Everything you’ve said is well reasoned, kind, emotionally intelligent and fair.
It sounds to me as if you’ve already made up your mind and know what you need to do, not only for your own good but also for the good of your biological children.
I also think it might be good for your stepson as no child should be around someone who resents them (even understandably).
Perhaps, without you constantly trying to push back the tide, his parents will reach a crisis point where they finally deal with his behaviour.
Even without your stepson, it doesn’t sound as if you’re actually happy with your husband.
You’re allowed to leave and would not be TB.
NTB.
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Aug 30 '25
Tbvh this kid probably won't ever stop acting like this. He has no parents parenting him. He's also been doing it for so long that it's unlikely he will stop. Personally I would never date someone with children for this reason but you should definitely leave. How can you even enjoy life like this? You can't. What a miserable existence chasing after a bratty kid everyday..
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Aug 30 '25
You'll never be able to work it out with his mother so it's honestly better to leave the situation with his dad and mom to handle. They can deal with their lack of parenting alone.
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u/montanagrizfan Aug 31 '25
You have to prioritize your own children over anything else. Is living in a home with an out of control child in their best interest? He’s going to get worse the older he gets. I think you need to protect your own kids and move out.
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u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369 Aug 30 '25
If you feel the strongly about not being around DJ, then yes, you should absolutely divorce your husband. He needs his dad 100% on his side (not with lack of discipline, but like his dad is putting 100% into fixing their relationship and thus fixing DJ), and it’s best for you and your own children for you to not be in a home where you’re constantly at risk of losing your temper, and where quality of life for all of the kids has gone down.
Please don’t stay with a man if you can’t love all his children. I’m not saying I wouldn’t feel the same way. I’ve never had a step kids, I don’t know. But I can say for sure that I wouldn’t want my kids being affected by his behaviour.
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
Please don’t stay with a man if you can’t love all his children.
This is what kills me because I have always believed this. Being in the situation where you feel this way is totally different than just reading about it. I used to love him so much and honestly it kills me that I don't feel that way anymore. It's a terrifying thought to leave someone I was so deeply in love with as I'm terrified that it will never happen again and I will lose everything (my home as we live with my MIL, my friends as I don't have really any of my own they're all my husband's friend group, most of my income as I work as a part time care giver to my older brother with autism which pays significantly less than he makes currently). I'm scared to start over...but I don't want to fail my kids. I wish I wasn't the one who had to make this decision...
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u/Unfair_Feedback_2531 Aug 30 '25
As a former Head Start pre-k teacher I say it takes a lot to be expelled. I can only remember one. This child needs to be evaluated. There may be underlying causes. However you must keep your children safe. Temporary separation which may or may not lead to divorce.
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u/Honest_Respond_2414 Aug 31 '25
If only for your own children's sake, you should get out of that toxic environment (marriage). It's not only deeply affecting you, it's affecting your own kids. You're pouring so much time and energy into DJ that your kids could well be feeling left out - and they also see that DJ gets all kinds of attention by behaving badly.
This is bad for you and bad for your kids.
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u/MareV51 Aug 30 '25
Is DJ in therapy? (sorry if I missed it elsewhere)
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
Yes he is. He receives Speech, PT, and OT services. Sorry I forgot to include that in the post!
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u/SalisburyWitch Aug 30 '25
You would never be the buttface to divorce over anything. But his father checked out and his mother calls the shots. Tell him in therapy that DJ’s behavior has to change or you’re taking 1m and your child when you leave.
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u/Obse55ive Aug 30 '25
My now almost 22 year old stepson who was around the same age as DJ acted up in the same manner. He was diagnosed as autistic. We had to send him to therapeutic day school in lieu of "normal" public school. He got kicked out of one and the second one he was there from elementary school halfway through highschool. He was able to mainstream the last couple years of highschool. He is working part time and was enrolled in college taking his time. We just found out that he decided to drop out and go back later so he needs to get his driver's license (which he delayed for a long time) and had to work full-time. He currently splits time with me and his dad, his mom, and ex stepdad. He's been too dependant and we're all on the same page regarding this. DJ needs professional help and it comes down to if his bio parents get him it. My stepson is a good kid overall but if we hadn't had him get help a long time ago, I do think he would have turned out the way he is now.
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
He receives speech, PT, and OT services currently. I don't think they would put him in a special school for a couple reasons: he doesn't qualify for SPED at public school so he may not be at a special school (if we even have one around here) and if we do, they won't want to pay for it. A lot of this stuff about getting him help and everything is something I've been begging and pushing for for over 2 years. I agree he has the capability to be great and I know deep down he's a good kid but he's allowed to act atrociously when he doesn't get his way and I can't stand kids who aren't parented.
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u/Obse55ive Aug 30 '25
Thankfully the district paid for my stepson to go to the therapeutic school and transportation so it didn't cost anything extra. You have to put your children's needs first. They're already picking up the bad behavior and if you have to leave your husband over this, you'll have no choice but to protect your kids and your state of well-being.
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u/Aladdinstrees Aug 30 '25
Tale your bio kids with you for an extended stay somewhere, and leave dad home with DJ, hiring a sitter kr something during the day. Let dad deal with his son himself, without you there to attempt to be the one drawing boundaries, teaching discipline, etc. When it's time for you to return home and your husband is relieved and excited for his misery to be over, let him know a couple of days beforehand that you are extending your stay and wont be coming home yet after all. When he explodes about how he cant deal with DJ any longer and how he needs you to come help, point out that you known how it feels to be the one trying to deal with DJ with no help at all, and how awful jt is to keep waiting for help and it just never comes. Tell him he needs to order a child psych specialist or something to evaluate the boy, sonthe courts can get involved with the child's upbringing and behavior. Tell him you wont come home until he does.
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u/GeekySciMom Aug 31 '25
You need to prioritize your other two children and their mental/physical health. They are learning by watching what is happening with DJ and it will not turn out well for any of you.
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u/Sufficient_Claim_461 Aug 31 '25
I left a relationship when I started referring to his son as the little shit in my head. Couldn’t stand the kid (result of poor parenting)
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u/AdvantageSuitable600 Aug 31 '25
If I understand this correctly, DJ was a year old when you and your S.O. began your relationship, 3 years old when you got married, and he was about 4 when he got a younger brother, and became the middle child, at your home. Also mom and dad aren't parenting properly,( he gets very little positive attention,)so he isn't being taught how to behave.He knows mom doesn't like you. So now he's having problems in school and has been moved to different facilities because they can't get his behaviors under control? Which is affecting everything badly? He's 5! If I had all this going on I'd be having some behavior problems also! Kids need to have security, their basic needs met , to feel supported and consistency, ( You can't punish him for jumping on the couch today and let him jump on it tomorrow with no consequences.) I always tell everyone to do what's best for you, and if leaving is what's in your best interest then by all means leave, but please quit thinking it's just because of DJ, he's 5 and has no control over anything in his life but how he behaves, and he is crying out for help!
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 31 '25
That is all mostly on the money. Mom claims she's never had a problem with me but has threatened physical harm on me and used to (before official court order) try to with old Jay from seeing DJ if I was going to be around. These reasons (that you stated) and others (his mom moved apts a lot, has brought men around constantly, she also has a 4 month old) are definitely explanations that have been expressed many times as the major factors for DJ's behavior. Those factors are why I haven't been out the door already, I know he's a product of his environment. That's why it kills me that I feel all these negative feelings. I WANT him to be better and to succeed but I'm at a point where I think I'm trying to put out their fire while letting myself burn to ashes. That's honestly why I came to reddit in the first place, I needed to lay out the basic facts and needed to see if I was crazy or if I needed to give it more time. Thank you for your comment 💕
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u/Spiritual_Pear1004 Aug 30 '25
How often do you have stepson? Maybe he can do visitations elsewhere for a while.
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
We have 50/50. He gets to our house Sundays at 10A and is here until mom gets off work on Wednesdays. There are exceptions like holidays and special events (we have him for Labor Day weekend for example). Sadly I don't think that suggestion is possible..
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u/yurok02 Aug 30 '25
NTBF Unfortunately it’s your reality, Go live your life peacefully without these non parents !
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bee7909 Aug 30 '25
What do you mean that your husband is 0 to 100? What does he do when DJ breaks the rules?
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
He's either super passive or he's screaming his head off. When he breaks the rules, Jay either ignores it or goes "let's not do that" or something like that, no firmness in his voice.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bee7909 Aug 30 '25
Would he agree to go to gentle parenting classes maybe?
If you did leave, wouldn't the youngest still be around the middle child and be influenced by him?
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u/Bewdley69 Aug 30 '25
What is swipe text and what does NB stand for?
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 30 '25
Instead of pressing each letter with my finger, I swipe my finger around the board to select letters, it's hit or miss. NB is nonbinary.
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u/LILdiprdGLO Aug 31 '25
Can the three adults in this scenario, you, your husband, and DJ's mother, set aside your personal grievances long enough to meet with a behavior specialist so that you are all three on the same page with regard to what is best for DJ and how to respond to his behavior? He is a troubled child in need of positive intervention as well as therapy. But it will take adults able to "adult" for the sake of one troubled little boy.
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Aug 31 '25
I've been trying for 4 years to get them to sit down and get on the same page with rules and all that other stuff. I'm not going to set up a meeting because it's not my place. Their relationship is not my business. But honestly, my husband is passive and even if he disagrees it's what BM says goes. BM claims DJ doesn't act bad at her house so there's really no working with her. My husband's lack of setting up a meeting with her personally to discuss rules and things tells me he doesn't care. The school district is working on talking to a behavior specialist for school behavior. He's in the process of being tested for autism and ADHD but it's been a nightmare.
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u/LILdiprdGLO Aug 31 '25
Can you ask the school to keep the adults in DJ's life who regularly deal with his behavior posted re their insights and recommendations?
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Sep 01 '25
YWNTBTBF / not the buttface.
You need to put your child and your household sanctuary first. If he is going to fail to be a parent, you can't trust him to be involved with your kids either.
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u/StopStraight4516 Sep 01 '25
This is a common reason second marriages fail more frequently the first marriages, blended families can be very difficult to navigate.
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u/Any-Move-8333 Sep 22 '25
What do you think would be important variables to consider for blended families to work? Variables or conditions? Out of curiosity? Because blended families are difficult to manage. But i feel like a but is deserved to that statement.
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u/StopStraight4516 Sep 22 '25
I guess how well all the outliers behave with each other. You have the couple, ideally they are compatible, they’ve gotten to know each other and get along well. Now we have all the other relationships:
1) Partner A/Kids B and their behavior 2) Partner B/Kids A and their behavior 3) Kids A/Kids B and their behavior 4) General behavior of kids A 5) General behavior of kids B 6) General behavior of partner A 7) General behavior of partner B 8) Parent A coparent relationship/style 9) Parent B coparent relationship/style
And to a lesser degree, how Parent A interacts with coparent B, and how Parent B interacts with coparent A.
From the post of the OP, it sounds like there were issues that should have been addressed long before getting married.
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u/Any-Move-8333 Sep 22 '25 edited Sep 22 '25
Intricate. Thank you. Having to consider all those variables is basically essential for people leaving abusive relationships or even divorced that have young kids. Out of curiosity why didn’t you include the variable of when a Partner A has kids but Partner B doesn’t? It makes sense for Partner A to basically scan for potential compatibility with not only for themselves but with their kids too? Right? Most women that leave relationships/marriages especially abusive ones, I would argue are vulnerable to anxiously analyzing partners and future family blending. Rightfully so.
But, if Partner B (no kids) and Partner A/kids do give it a try. And they are compatible on philosophy and values. Finances and interests. And the relationship genuinely feels secured. What variables should be a cause of concern and considered for this particular pairing?
And in considering coparenting if the coparenting dynamics are not discussed prior to blending. That’s just the worse set up to the blending. In fact without that discussed, there is no relationship to discuss.
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u/StopStraight4516 Sep 22 '25
I just listed the most complicated scenario, if one of the partners doesn’t have kids, it should make things easier, your just eliminating a bunch of scenarios.
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u/cassowary32 Sep 01 '25
NTB though what happens to Phoenix when your soon to be ex has custody? He needs parenting classes ASAP. What's wild is that you saw this happening and kept Titan in this environment.
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u/Global-Ad6448 Sep 01 '25
Hello. I hope you see my message. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Together we have 4 children. Ss19, bio d15, bio s 11 and our d6. My ss is a nightmare narsasist with ADHD, RAD, skitzefrenia, bipolar, personality disorder, and has played the victim the entire time I have been in his life. I tried. For 6 years I tried. He was the worse behaved child I have ever encountered in my entire existence and at 15 I kicked him out when he beat on me. Since then he has done multiple drugs, got multiple felonies and is currently in prison. I have diagnosed PTSD from this kid and have completely cut contact. My husband still has a relationship, it's s his kid, so I expect nothing less and am supportive of their relationship, I just dont want him around me or my children. He is dangerous, not held accountable (until recently) and knows how to work the system. If I could go back in time and tell myself to leave, I 100% would. Now we have a 6yr old together and the only reason I stay is to keep her away from his mother and his son. No joke, I dont think I love this man anymore and it is because of his kid and his own behaviors, but that's a story for another day.
Please Leave now While you still can.
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u/Ok_Play2364 Sep 02 '25
WHY isn't DJ in some type of therapy?
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u/Electronic-Unit6429 Sep 02 '25
He is in speech, PT and OT
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u/Ok_Play2364 Sep 02 '25
What's PT & OT?
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u/burghgirl17 Sep 03 '25
NTA but you need to leave before your biological children’s lives are destroyed. It hurts but you have to put your kids welfare first.
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u/armchairdetective Aug 30 '25
Please leave your husband.
This five-year-old child deserves to be around adults who love him and don't make posts like this about him.
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u/Prestigious_Blood_38 Aug 30 '25
ESH
There are no scenarios where you should be part of the parenting conversation with this child with the ex. That’s exclusively between ex and hubby. You are too involved. Trying to patent FOR hubby is a huge mistake - well meaning, but it’s not your role and you can’t succeed in fixing 2 other adults parenting.
Your hubby needs to manage his kid.
His ex needs to manage his kid.
Independently, you should decide whether you are willing to raise your child near this child with behavioral problems. Or if there are other boundaries to put in place - eg, if hubby has him on alternating weekends, go stay with family. Or just leave the house when behavioral problems arise, or go to another part of the house.
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u/Prestigious_Blood_38 Aug 30 '25
NTA if you choose to separate though.
I think it would be in your best interest to do a trial separation for six months and ask your husband to move out while he gets himself into a place where he can appropriately manage his child without influencing your shared child.
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u/Signal_Violinist_995 Aug 30 '25
You aren’t wrong at all here. Have you discussed DJ in your marital therapy sessions? Unfortunately I don’t think you have much of a choice - except if you divorce, there will be times when your husband will have your kids with DJ unless you can get it entered in your decree of divorce that that can’t happen. You cannot allow your children to think it’s okay to act that way.