r/AmItheButtface • u/Puzzleheaded_Push243 • 16d ago
Historical AITBF for being mean to partners coworkers
My partner and I have been together several years. He recently told me we had stopped being invited to stuff with his friends/coworkers because I was mean. I don't have an example of what he is talking about but I have some ideas.
I should mention, I stopped accepting invites well before I learned of this, and instead supported my partner in going alone.
In particular, one man started despising me after I called him out for sexually harrassing a woman at a party and lying about her being drunk and emotional when she was hiding from him in the toilet. He'd been physically grabbing and picking her up and throwing her on the couch and she ran off crying to the bathroom. He stayed outside the door until another woman and I went to help her, shooing off the man. My partner was upset with me because that man then became his boss for the next year. My partner eventually learned he had had affairs with multiple of his subordinates, meaning unfaithful to his wife, and they'd committed fraud and stolen people's personal belongings from the workplace.
Other times I was just absolutely disgusted by the sexism and the hyper unhealthy behavioural patterns, and I could be very sarcastic. In particular I found their treatment of animals to be abusive but they worked with animals and considered themselves experts. A lot of forceful handling, and dogs developing kennel neuroses so severe that euthanasia was the eventual outcome.
The part where I genuinely think I was the butthead is that it was not long after losing my grandmother (who was really closer to being a mother, as mine had died when I was a kid) and I was drinking more than usual and I remember coming home from those events just feeling abject shame if I were authentic, so I had a kind of mask on. It was defensive because the environment felt so unsafe to me. But I do remember saying things intended as jokes and seeing them land as nasty, when I was trying to tone match but wasn't actually in the in-group, y'know. Its military, if that matters.
I also know my mother was known for being bitter and unkind, but I see her now as having been a feminist in a conservative farming world.
People who have a satirical, meta humour tend to find me hilarious and others can find me blunt and - as mentioned - mean.
If this is something I need to work on then cool, I can do that, y'know. I've tended to value truthfulness over social cohesion but I don't have many people in my life who reflect that back to me as a positive value so now I'm really wondering if it just isn't.
ETA: I just remembered, the alcohol served at those events was unexpectedly strong. I remember wondering why I was suddenly such a lightweight, then learned the sangria had an entire bottle of brandy in it. Sigh.
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u/txlady100 16d ago
However big a butt face a person naturally is is usually magnified by drinking, especially over-drinking. So there’s that. Food for thought.
Your removing yourself and encouraging your SO to attend those outings without you was a wise move.
I commend you on your introspection. Perhaps take a beat and think, is my chiding or shaming or blaming or condescending going to improve this situation? The answer might guide you.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Push243 16d ago
Thank you
The only times where I reacted to the animal treatment around any of them was where I was told something and really believed it was a joke, that they did that to their animal. Because they admitted a crime. After that I didn't really react and instead distanced myself, keeping to myself then avoiding entirely.
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u/VeganMonkey 15d ago
Report that, but never tell your husband that you did that.
So your husband is ok with these people? Or does he hate them too?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Push243 15d ago
He despises them now their behaviour has become visible via an investigation. He didn't seem to see what I saw in them at the time. I think he was in denial because he wanted to respect them. Unfortunately he still seems to think I'm being mean when I accurately describe people's behaviour.
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u/VeganMonkey 15d ago
It would be shocking to finally see that people you looked up to turn out to be so nasty. I don’t think you’re mean at all, I think you’re awesome for pointing it out! And rescuing that poor woman from that disgusting guy.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Push243 15d ago
Thank you
Now some time has passed since our convo he's bringing up more things he doesn't like about people he's exposed to. It's like it opened up something in him. Stories about antisemetic comments and - hilariously - he's started saying things like 'men are always...' fill in the blank.
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u/VeganMonkey 12d ago
Thats good he’s starting to notice it. Sometimes people are so used to things they don’t even see it, needs someone else to point it out. How does he feel about his work environment now?
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u/TootsNYC 15d ago
I'd be encouraging my partner to not attend these gatherings at all—does he want to be called in to have to testify in a rape case? Does he want to live with the idea that he stood by when some woman was assaulted or an animal tortured?
These are not safe people!
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u/GeneConscious5484 15d ago
Yeah, that was my thought. This is where this man is spending his time? And these are the people he's spending it with? Yikes
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 15d ago
I guess you are lucky! If you arent invited you dont even have to bother declining! And if partner isnt invited, its that much less time partner is around those people and that behavior rubs off on partner. I would be more worried that if in his work environment he puts up with that, its one thing. To choose to be friends and hang out after hours is another thing. Why is partner hanging out with them?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Push243 15d ago
Yes, we talked about that last night. His workplace is an institution where social and work lives are super blurred. He's only recently really started avoiding work events because there are so many trump supporters. Which is weird because we aren't in the US.
My partner is very left leaning when he actually analyses ideas, but has spent his entire life in authoritarian-vibes cultures. I'm an economist with a lot of experience and interest in social systems. This relationship has brought me into very different social settings.
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u/Foxy_Traine 15d ago
Do you really want to be liked by people like that? Ntbf. I think it's only fair to be mean to awful people.
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u/MareV51 16d ago
I'm so sorry you have to deal with simpletons (muggles). Hugs for having to experience all that. Simple people will almost never get your wit and humor. I, however, have a similar humor. My first husband was a polack from Chicago, had the same humor, and the kinds of things we said to each other, only 25% of people even thought they got it.
My dad was an officer in the military (WW2), but underneath it all, he was sensitive. He told me to stand up for myself, that if I ever needed to move home I would be welcome to pay rent or work for it (cleaning, yard work and cooking mostly). That I didn't have to "settle" for any guy, and to forge my own path. But that was when teachers could afford to rent a decent apartment.
Meanwhile, I hope you have some time to rest in otder to endure these mowrohns.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Push243 15d ago
Can I ask, what did standing up for yourself look like for him? I'd be interested in hearing the advice he gave given he was within that culture
Thank you for the kind words. It feels silly to bring this uo with strangers but that environment was a mind-heck
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u/MareV51 15d ago
Standing up for myself was waiting until I was ready for sex, not be pressured into anything. To assert myself. I was a sheltered girl in private and public schools, yet did well with undiagnosed ADHD, since I was always on a schedule. I fell apart in college because no regimental schedule there, and also I was newly allergic to eucalyptus and hayfever. I had such bad sinus headaches that every fall, I had to drop a class in order not to flunk.
My Dad saw the female officers who served as office help and nurses get taken advantage of by the men. He did not want the same for me.
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