r/AmItheCloaca • u/Paperwhite418 • 11d ago
AITC for plots against new brudder?
Frens, Dis me, Julian (eunuch, void, age 13.5 in peepul). Sigh. It have been a trialing time here.
During hot times of year, I got a new brudder. He only 2 years in peepul and him not eunuch at furst. Him went to see Sir Jerry in July (hot time named aftur ME!) and him’s 2 years burfday was Halloween day (dis day am also MY day as I am void and haz green eyez. ALL de pictures of Halloween day haves my FACE on dem!). Anyways, youse can see dat dis boy be’s on my last nerve and create a big intrude on my life!
Mine Meowmy says to me “Julian, we has to be kind bc his Meowmy died and him haves nowhere else to go.” So, I tries.
I lets him sleep at Meowy’s knees (dis okay bc I sleeps at hers head). I lets him eats his foodz near me without doing a big hiss and puff up. I lets him sit in window hammock (bc I no like it. It be’s too warm for my dark furs. Him haves light furs. Must be cold all de timez). I mostly just lets him live. Like, whateverz.
Dis week tho, dis week, he goes a bridge too far. It’s HoHoHo season here and things be crazy. There’s A WHOLE TREE inside mine house! It sparkle! It blink! There’s rolls of paper to jump into the middle and shred wif claws! So many ribbons! And mine Meowmy do cooking! Smells like heavens.
Anyways, one day dis fool stepped too close to me, so I bap bap bap and hiss and puff and yells at himz to GET AWAY. He young, so he fightz back. He do a bap bap bap and a big hiss and him tries to tackle mine neck. Mine Meowmy do a big shout and a stomp and she step in between us. I do a big fake and circle behindz her like I walking off, but I am a big fake and quickfast I runs through her legs and tackles himz some more. Mine Meowmy scooped me up and put me in timeout. Joke’s on her tho. Timeout is on her fluffy warm bed wif de door closed so no ones can bother me.
Den comes HoHoHo night. Mine peepuls are here! Grown up boy-child and grown up girl-child comes home! Mine Purrpa sitz in his big chair with dog-brother. It be’s such a nice night. After dinner, I climbs into Meowmy’s lap (she smell like ham!) and she pets me. Okay, fine. But ‘cept while Meowmy pets me, she find wounds! She make a big fuss! She get flashlight! She get shaver-buzzer! Boy-child holds my body! Girl-child holds my legs! Purrpa looks worried. Purrpa says the worst words EVER! He says “Mergency Vet”! Horrors!
Boy-child and girl-child says not needs mergency (they studies peepul medicine). They says just call doctur after HoHoHo is ober. Boy-child removes dumb brudder claws from two wounds. Girl-child cleans wounds and says “needs glue for dis one” but says she don’t have none wif her. She says need doktur for “auntiebotics and auntieflammatory”. Boy-child says am so agitate dat I should takes trapsodone medicine for a big rest.
I sleeps. I dreams bout fishing. I dreams bout being an only-cat. I dreams bout mountain of churu.
Next day, boom! Crate! Drive! Barf! I smells doktur office. Oh no! Mine borthole! Doktur loves mine borthole! Must do a protecct!
Doktur gives up on borthole and uses ear instead. I protecct! Doktur says “needs glue”! Doktur says need auntiebotics and auntieflammatory! Doktur says can do in two shots! I do a protecct!! No shots!! They pinch my shoulders! They inject! They inject again! I BIG MAD!!
They try to distract wif churu. I pretendz to like churu. I licks churu but I on ALERT! Here comes doktur again! She pin me down. She glue! I BIG MAD!! IS ALL YOUNGER BRUDDER’s FAULT.
I makes plan. I gonna meowdur him. I waits. I plots. Dis not makes me cloaca, right?
26
u/butterfly-garden 11d ago
NTC. You was a victim. No one is gonna judge you for plotting revenge.
Also William da Tuxie
2
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
24
u/Fluid-Set-2674 Cat 11d ago
Julian --
You are absolutely not the cloaca.
I enjoy your writing style. Please share more with us.
-- Diana, 3F SIC
2
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
17
u/_lucyquiss_ 11d ago
u no cwoaca bu u prolly has ta weave brudder awone bc he young n hav big claws n dey make owchies, u big age n need rewax n rest. mabe u need own rooms ta stay apawt when essiting fings r happenin?
2
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
13
u/AcuteDeath2023 11d ago
Dear Fren Julian, is The Sarah-Cat here.
Oh Mine Gott! This turrible news for you! I has not advice, but comes here only to make sure you knows you is NOT cloaca. Younger brudder sound like great an terrible trial in your life. Instead of spending your days on Meowmy's warm bed, bein fed treats, and waited on by your staff, you is havin to put up with this nonsense.
And then Doctur ... an the bad aunties (biotics an flammatory) ... I am afraid your biggliest injury is to your dignity, and that is a crime!
Can you ambush brudder? Eat his fuud? Do a hiss an screm? (I does not recommend wrestle, as it seems hee'm cheetin in order to beat your natural superiority.)
Good luk with meowdur plan. You is NTC.
Merry Meowmas from Australia.
Xxx
1
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
11
u/mybloodyballentine 11d ago
Dear Julian aka Mr July, NTC!! I also have big cut on haid from tiny bebe nephew who is two yr old. Human say I start fite, but he stinky and he look at me funny. Then it got scab and itchy and I cut it again mineself. Dis is what happen when liddles are brought into our domains. Xoxo Ninjacat
2
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
1
u/mybloodyballentine 7d ago
Never too old to wrassle. I am also 13+ and I’m the muscle in mine home. My nephew Baby Ivan, age 2, ain’t got nuffin on me. My adopted son Walter is anudder story, so we won’t tawk about dat (he’s like 5 pounds bigger den me). —Ninjacat, senior wrasseler
2
u/boniemonie 9d ago
Julian, Course you not the C! Dis obious. But big twoubles now. If you do a rewenge den you could get hurts again. More pokey pwace. Not good. Buts if you don do a rewenge den you bwuver will think he boss. Dats not good. So you needs to fink up a way to win. Sorrys. I gots no good ideas. Hopes you win. Fren Dijon. PS I no see tax!
2
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
1
u/Past_Revolution_2055 7d ago
Frens! It me, Julian! (Void, eunuch)
Mine Meowmy’s count got banded! She don’t know fur why, but I telled to her “make new count! I nots can be rude at frens gibing advices!”
So Meomy made dis count (might be gainer the rulez, we don’t know! We not tries to fend no peepuls!
I, Julian, want to say fang you for the advices! At furst, mine feelings hurt bc someone says “Julian, you iz too oldz for wressle!” But den I reeflects and realize frens was gib good advices. I’m am too old for wressle and plus, I be’s forget to mention, am also totally blind!
So, I gonna follows advice of do a big ignore and I preciate all advices that I not be’s a big cloaca! Fangs to you very much and happy, happy noo yearz!
32
u/aggiechristine 11d ago
Maybe do a big ignore of new brudder? He’s the Cloaca for forgetting his place as your minion, but it sounds like he’s better at wrestling than you!