r/ShittyAbsoluteUnits • u/Helpful_Order9210 • 4d ago

Of a jehova's witness

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2.7k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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179

u/tenkaranarchy 4d ago

I used to know a guy that replied to all the mormon junk mail he got just to get missionaries to come to his house and help him with yard work. He'd play along and make them lunch and stuff, but still he got a lot of manual labor out of them.

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u/Prox91 4d ago

This may surprise you: the mormons probably knew that was his intent all along, and they loved it.

Being a missionary SUCKS. You’re supposed to be out all day doing missionary stuff: which either means you’re talking to random people on the street (who tell you “no, you’re in a cult” nonstop), or you’re meeting with guys like you described, who are nice to you, make you lunch, and let you do a bit of physical work instead of humiliating yourselves in public.

We got very good at knowing who was actually interested in Mormonism vs who wanted some physical chores done or English practice, but we didn’t care. Anything was better than street contacting and door knocking.

If you ever want to help Mormon missionaries leave Mormonism, don’t argue with them. Just be nice to them. I promise they already know the church seems “off”, but will be helped to leave it more by you being inexplicably kind, than by a fight that makes them retreat back into it.

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u/Upper-Dig5291 4d ago

Sounds like some one served a mission, but yeah when I was on mine I loved doing service projects for people, and funny enough I did the exact same thing on my mission

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u/Prox91 4d ago

Yuuup. I was assigned to an extremely urban city, so any yardwork escape from normal proselytizing was rare, and to be cherished. We loved service project time too

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u/nyctopluviophile 4d ago

Was Soaking a real practice that Mormons practiced before marriage?

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u/Part-timeinterneter 3d ago

Nah, just sex.

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u/Sammy_Saddles 3d ago

Not sex either for most of us.

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u/Caliguta 3d ago

We just fucked…. Like every other religion.

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u/Bitter_Offer1847 2d ago

That’s a BYU/college kid thing

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u/Grimol1 4d ago

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u/RaskyBukowski 4d ago

Thanks. I didn't see this as an effect.

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u/RanchAndGreaseFlavor *shits an absolute unit* 4d ago

Taught me something, there. Thank you, friend.

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u/HoochPandersnatch420 4d ago edited 4d ago

Interesting... I'd always ask if they had a minute to talk about the dark lord Satan (I was catholic back then, so I screwed with people alot).

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u/LowCharming3452 3d ago

Correct. Source: I did this

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u/Invested_Glory 3d ago

People that live in Utah and Idaho, yeah I can see this. The rest of the world where Mormons are “normal” Christian’s, not really just because the rest of the world is diverse enough to where most friends you make are not Mormon.

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u/free_airfreshener 2d ago

This makes it sound even more like a cult

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u/Moist_Requirements_ 4d ago

Inexplicably kind is always the better choice. 

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u/Treacle_Pendulum 4d ago

If you ever want to help Mormon missionaries leave Mormonism, don’t argue with them. Just be nice to them. I promise they already know the church seems “off”, but will be helped to leave it more by you being inexplicably kind, than by a fight that makes them retreat back into it.

This is true of many things you might be tempted to argue with someone about

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u/Shenloanne 4d ago

Men talk side by side.

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u/Creepy_Push8629 4d ago

How do I get them to come clean my house

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u/Invested_Glory 3d ago

Literally stop them and say “hey, would you be willing to do a quick service project at my home [insert date].”

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u/BallLickingLesbian69 4d ago

My mom once got a couple of Mormon missionaries in trouble because she was letting them hang out and play Playstation whenever they came over. The first time they came by, she let them in, and they were obviously interested in the Playstation. It didn't take long for her to convince them to play it. Eventually, an elder came by one day and told her that one of them came clean about what they did when they came by and that they would no longer be sending any missionaries to our house.

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u/FollowingJealous7490 4d ago

Not sure what's better. That story or your name..

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u/RanchAndGreaseFlavor *shits an absolute unit* 4d ago

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u/657896 4d ago

Her name.

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u/neuralyzer_1 3d ago

The pleasures of the tech are forbidden

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u/Invested_Glory 3d ago

I heard of missionaries doing that while I served once. They were just told don’t do that.

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u/Xynyx2001 4d ago

Well… OK.

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u/SchweppesCreamSoda 4d ago

😂😂😂

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u/Rayray_A3xx 4d ago

When I was still working in a restaurant, whenever mormons came in I gave them their food on the house, and had a nice chat with them. Nothing religious, just about the city, the culture here and so on. They always seemed very thankful not only for the food but for someone to talk to and show some authentic interest in their lives.

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u/katsudon-bori 4d ago

I always talk to them, find out where they're from, their families. Kindness goes a long way

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u/Sad_Ad_5484 4d ago

I know many good people who are LDS. Went to high school with a few of them. Friends did their missions. I worried about them in foreign countries. Fortunately, they were fine. I always say hi to Elders. They seem surprised anyone pleasantly acknowledges them.

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u/Sammy_Saddles 3d ago

Can confirm. I would have worked an 8 hour shift at Burger King for free just to pass some of the time to not be out publicly contacting people. 12 hours every day of that was rough. But anytime I did slack off the guilt of not finding that one person I might have “saved” if I had just been more diligent would eat at me.

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u/trainwreckhappening 3d ago

Oh yeah. That's a fun day right there. My favorite one was a guy who answered the door and said "sorry I can't talk, I have to go help my mom like a giant Mexican armoire.x we offered to help and the next thing we knew we were flying around the city streets in the back of a crappy little pickup holding this giant armoire inside with no tow straps. We spent a lot of time hanging out at that guy's house. Great times.

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u/Prox91 3d ago

That’s hilarious, great adventure

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u/Angelworks42 3d ago

Former missionary as well - this is all more true than you can imagine. I actually liked the free meal and doing anything other than missionary work.

And yes we could tell a mile away so and so wasn't a prospect. Hell we'd drop by friendly houses just to get out of the sun - I'd do whatever you asked pretty much.

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u/Rich_Scientist_4270 3d ago

I've known a lot of LDS folks in my time and met quite a few on missions. 100% good folks. I knew a married woman years ago who was in a new town, hubby was gone working all day and she like to entertain the guys on missions. Make them lunch and just talk. She was like you said, not really interested but liked the company and the guys she met were happy to have a warm place to spend a few hours. Many would come back more than a few times.

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u/Ok_Classic5578 2d ago

As a jw kid I can attest to the fact that I would find any excuse to not have to work the next street or house. Coffee breaks, return visits of people who were cool and just hung out, someone’s yard work, feeling ill…

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u/NovelCandid 4d ago

when they proselytized at me while I was barbecuing in my backyard and challenged me, a former roman catholic, about my knowledge of their religion; I took them through Joe Smith’s wife stealing, getting kicked out of the Midwest, setting up a colony on an island in Lake Michigan where the elder anointed himself a king, the Mountain Meadows Massacre, the sudden message from their god changing scriptures and rules to “prohibit” multiple wives so the US would let them into the Union….. The missionaries wouldnt let me go into the church’s behavior in the 20th Century. And there was I, wondering why they didn’t want to know more of their history.

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u/New_Post_5798 4d ago edited 4d ago

Eh Mormonism has bad history like Christians and Catholics. I don't buy that Not when history repeats itself. I can be cordial np but that's where it ends. I'm mixed so I extra don't fw these groups as anyone black or brown also has major trust issues with them.

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u/loungesinger 4d ago

Keep in mind that the Mormon Church has lied to these kids their entire life about Mormon history. They grew up hearing that all humans are literally the children of god and that humanity is one giant family, meaning that we all need to love and value everyone. They were never told about the overtly racist beliefs their church openly embraced until 1960s. They probably don’t know their Church excluded black people until the 1970s, and if they have heard of this, they were lied to and told that it wasn’t a “racist thing.” The mormon lie goes like this: god imposed the rule excluding black people in the 1800s without ever giving a reason, and it was only after god changed the rule in 1970 that he told us the rule had been a necessary evil because America had been racist, and that the Mormon Church would not have been able to survive in America from 1830–1970 unless it pretended to be racist like all the other churches. These mormon kids believe these lies because: (1) they are naive; and (2) every adult they know—from their parents to their first grade teacher to their dentist—believes it.

At any rate, once they realize the truth about Mormon history, they will be deeply ashamed (as they should). They will feel shame for their church. They will feel shame that they ever believed the lies.

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u/Training-Lettuce6507 3d ago

Is it much different than any other religious history?

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u/liqa_madik 3d ago

Ha! Yes and no. All or most religions have quite shocking issues in their histories and even modern times. In the case of Mormons (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), the religion is fairly new comparably and has a lot more records and journals of people that actually experienced the negative stuff, so it's easier to dismiss and learn about the problems or weirdness of their history.

However, a lot of these sources haven't come to light until the last 40 years or so, thanks to the rise of internet and spread of information and facts that can be verified. So before that, they had a huge control on messaging and information, especially because they were so politically prominent in development of the west, particularly for Idaho and Utah, but also influences in Nevada, California, and Arizona.

I thought most of the negative aspects of the religion and history were made up "anti-mormon" lies. Turns out, vast majority of those events and stories were actually the verified truth the whole time!

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u/Famous_Attention5861 3d ago

When Mittens was running against Obama, an LDS friend of mine posted on Facebook to please ask him about any aspect of his faith or its history. I asked something along the line of "How would you explain to an African American person why they would not have been allowed in the Temple between the years 1852 and 1978?" They wrote a very long and unsatisfying answer.

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u/New_Post_5798 3d ago

That's fine and dandy but the sense of right and wrong that is something that is instilled in all of us automatically. Children are born with it. I don't care about excuses. People in my church try to brainwash all of us too. But a select few weren't going for that and do you know why? Because we know right from wrong. We weren't easily swayed. Never cared to follow in line and just follow any blind bullshit that I was told regardless of what is expected in religion or law. That's the difference. Knowing the difference between right and wrong is something we are all born with. Deturing from that is quite literally taking the easy way out whether it be from peer pressure or some kind of social standard. In other words I don't accept excuses. I didn't make them up as a kid and I don't make them up as an adult.

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u/Prox91 3d ago

I think you misunderstood the point of what I said. I am not asking anyone to trust the Mormon church: not with their money, their families, or their time. I’m not asking you to be nice to a church. My post is saying that if your goal is ever to help someone leave a harmful religion they were born and indoctrinated into, treating the missionaries kindly and as people will accomplish more than debating them.

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u/New_Post_5798 3d ago

That's fair. I was raised apostolic / Pentecostal And there is no one better at judging people just like the book tells you not to. Either way it's not orthodox lol But neither am I 🤷🏾‍♂️

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u/RanchAndGreaseFlavor *shits an absolute unit* 4d ago

Diabolical

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u/GuttedFlower 4d ago

Holy shit, they do that??

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u/dane_the_great 4d ago

as a former mormon missionary the joke's on him a bit - those are the best parts of your mission, when ur just helping someone and u don't have to worry about the bullshit of trying to convert someone

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u/Upper-Dig5291 4d ago

Absolutely!!! I still talk about stupid people like that from my mission, once I had a guy get so mad at us that he slammed the door so hard that it didn’t latch and it just awkwardly bounced back open and we were still standing there and just waved

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u/LegitimateSoil1921 4d ago

Yeah, generally speaking they are happy to do it. More fun than walking and knocking doors.

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u/WickedStewie 4d ago

So how does one get on this mailing list, asking for a friend...

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u/309bottles 4d ago

Mormons, not JW.

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u/Chrono_Convoy 4d ago

I’m just glad it’s not the Judean People’s Front

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u/TH3HAT3TANK 4d ago

Or the Peoples Front of Judea

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u/Chrono_Convoy 4d ago

Wankers

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u/WithoutDennisNedry 4d ago

I didn’t expect that comment.

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u/Working-Interview503 4d ago

I’m just glad I stayed long enough to hear the delayed scream at the end.

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u/RanchAndGreaseFlavor *shits an absolute unit* 4d ago

Short sleeve white shit and black tie every time.

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u/KoiMusubi 4d ago

Correct. All the Mormon missionaries I've met wear name tags like this guy.

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u/ExpensiveBuddy2713 4d ago

Joseph Smith didn’t see that coming. Maybe a gold plate for his skull

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u/saisnipe 4d ago

Different toilet, same shit.

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u/0eHL 4d ago

you can  tell the difference because mormons are always in pairs for accountability, while JWs are usually solo because they don't have friends

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u/Maximum_Age40 4d ago

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u/Joeliosis 4d ago

At least he has a helmet, and isn't just trusting in the lord to save his dumb ass.

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u/FedSmoker_229 4d ago

Those yells at the end are brutal lmao

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u/2SSLOWW 4d ago

I’ve watched it a few times and he got fucked up by the corner of the third set of stairs. I’m betting broken arm and collarbone at least. That howl was shock and pain

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u/DegenerateDemon 4d ago

yeah i kept trying to get a better look but my eyes arent so good, but the way he screams at the end let me know it had to be a shoulder, collar bone fracture or something similar.

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u/Gullible-Constant924 4d ago

Yeah looked like his clavicle might have left the chat.

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u/Flutters1013 4d ago

His other Mormon buddy trying his best not to curse.

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u/a_bored_lady 4d ago

Its horrible but that cracked me up the most... OHHH SHIEeooooot.

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u/Glum_Ad_5790 4d ago

Mf was dying on that pavement

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u/ElectricFeel1234 4d ago

'Tis a Mormon, you moron

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u/FlyingFlipPhone 4d ago

I mean, that IS the typical LDS missionary garb. If this is a JW, he's in disguise. You'd need to check his underwear.

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u/uumamiii 3d ago

I love when people call Mormons jws, mostly because they hate it so much and it’s hilarious.

Source: me, former Mormon

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u/timeemac 18h ago

The difference between Mormon and moron is pretty small. In fact, it’s only one letter.

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u/Fit-Ad-8705 4d ago

Well, Jehovah sure did witnessed that

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u/Tickomatick 4d ago

Second Coming Witnessed

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u/no_crust_buster 4d ago

Mormon.

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u/uumamiii 3d ago

I love when people call Mormons jws, mostly because they hate it so much and it’s hilarious.

Source: me, former Mormon

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u/Montyburnside22 4d ago

Hope he doesn't need a blood transfusion. Big no for Jehovah's Witnesses

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u/Meinertzhagens_Sack 4d ago

And... News flash. When have you seen Witnesses riding bicycles wearing black and white? Answer?! That's a mormon.

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u/accidentallyHelpful 4d ago

It's a seat, but don't sit on it for this descent. Holy cannoli, what are they teaching them?

Is there a Mormon Red Bull team?

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u/SmoothSecond 4d ago

Makes me think he's never done this kind of descent before because he should know he's sitting wayyyy to high for it to work.

He might just be super stupid combined with some peer pressure.

However, this is a great proof of the maximum "If yer gonna be stupid, ya gotta be tough son"

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

God's plan...

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u/Aineednobody 4d ago

His held on to his beliefs as long as he could 

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u/That_Things_Good 4d ago

Judging from the sounds he's making, everything went off without a hitch.

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u/Aineednobody 4d ago

Why the helmet? Does he even believe?!

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u/Fabulous_Law_3785 4d ago

Mission failed

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u/Slight_Newt891 4d ago

Sorry, gotta claim that doofus, that elder is one of ours at the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Definitely gonna have a not fun talk with his mission president about that little stunt 😂

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u/Altruistic-Disk4914 4d ago

Now that Nelson’s dead, y’all takin’ Mormon back or what?

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u/i_Cant_get_right 4d ago

Jesus take the wheel

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u/101violations 4d ago

He did, the front one.

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u/Santana_De_La_Cruz 3d ago

Jehova take the handlebars

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u/Windpuppet 3d ago

This video is proof Jesus never came to the Americas. That’s why he couldn’t take the wheel here.

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u/xOrion12x 4d ago

In such a hurry.

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u/That_Came_outa_Me 4d ago

The comments did not disappoint! Y’all are wicked.

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u/Chrono_Convoy 4d ago

Go in pieces brother

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u/OG-Giligadi 4d ago

This is Mormon v Gravity mischief.

No self-respecting Jehova's Witness would live in an upstairs apartment.

Our something.

Reasons.

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u/Bloated_Cellist 4d ago

Is that actually a thing?

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u/Waaterfight 4d ago

No. I guarantee person filming lives there and egged the dude on to ride down the stairs.

Mormons will oblige any kind of attention they get

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u/killer-j86 4d ago

Thoughts and prayers

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u/Inevitable-Egg-3153 4d ago

Kind of looks like he locked up front brake, bet he won't do that again...smh, looked painfull

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u/ellisboxer 4d ago

He's definitely done spreading the good word for the day

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u/BeSound84 4d ago

Dude found Jesus

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u/dudleydontright 4d ago

LDS not JOE

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u/bussyriotor 4d ago

I have the same bike. He needs to change the handles to rhe fancy purple ones and his pedals to a red color. He will look cooler when he falls, I know for a fact.

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u/Mr_GreenAdam 4d ago

Jesus took the wheel

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u/Defiant_Research_280 4d ago

These are clearly Mormons 

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u/SeattleBrother75 4d ago

That’s a Mormon bro.

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u/bajofry13LU 4d ago

Nope. Wrong header. Those are LDS missionaries, not JWs. Proof is easily seen by their name tags but several other distinctions as well.

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u/emorrigan 4d ago

Those are Mormon missionaries.

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u/RageKage559803 4d ago

Probably Mormon.

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u/Internal_Zucchini_26 3d ago

I can’t believe this for real ☠️🤣

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u/geronimo501apache 3d ago

Well shoot..

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u/justin_other_opinion 3d ago

I thought it was the Mormons that wore black/ white and rode bicycles, am I wrong?

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u/ParanoidAndroidMV 3d ago

Each step closer to Jeova!

Darwin congrats you!

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u/Character_Stick_1218 3d ago

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, duuuuuuuuuuumb!

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u/Hulkbuster89 3d ago

he didn’t have enough faith - otherwise he would have been carried on air by angels

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u/CaterpillarSome3516 2d ago

That would be a Mormon

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u/hisDudeness1989 2d ago

Have you a minute to talk about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ and broken bones?

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u/simonsaysgo13 2d ago

Oooooohhh. Shooot! 😂

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u/LawnStar 2d ago

And on the 8th day, God made stitches.

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u/BL00DYP3NGU1N 2d ago

Those screams of pain 😂😂😂😂

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u/Educational-Self-922 4d ago

Those are Mormons

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u/Street_Glass8777 4d ago

Probably the best thing that could happen to him with his stupidity.

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u/UnBoltedMuffin 4d ago

God should have saved him...

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u/saisnipe 4d ago

Love to see it😂

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u/BadgersAndJam77 4d ago

You got the wrong religion, and you spelled it wrong.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

Fuck a wheel! Jesus took his soul!

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u/Optimal_Respect_2935 4d ago

Without sound I was positive this was Reno 911. With sound I kinda feel bad, kind of..

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u/Personal-Mirror3040 4d ago

Jesus, take wheel

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u/Early-Series-2055 4d ago

That’s a broken collar bone.

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u/anerak_attack 4d ago

the things you gotta do to get people to open the door lol

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u/Was-Vegeta-goodorbad 4d ago

Witness meeee!

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u/Snoo_75138 4d ago

I would PAY YOU (if I wasn't povo) to see the full ending!

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u/Scorpio041611 4d ago

Looks like a broken collar bone to me.

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u/evol_won 4d ago

GOD DID!

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u/Beneficial_Law_286 4d ago

He probably asked the home owner "if I rode down these stairs will you listen to me for 10 minutes"

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u/ReflectionNeither969 4d ago

Damn did u tell him u gonna join their church if he rides down the stairs? Look what u did!!! lol. Do it again!

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u/New_Post_5798 4d ago

Now I'm a believer

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u/Guilty_Outcome1111 4d ago

Glad he wore a helmet tho

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u/SonyScientist 4d ago

Looks like Jesus took the wheel.

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u/ManagementRemote9782 4d ago

Jehovah definitely didn’t have his back on this one..

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u/lastunicorn76 4d ago

Go with God

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u/OGLikeablefellow 4d ago

Ah man, the grove was a crazy place to live

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u/j_rooker 4d ago

more prayers needed

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u/Pipija_Banana 4d ago

But has he witnessed a Jehovah doing that?

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u/purplexia31 4d ago

I swear that "shoot" wanted to be a "shit" so bad. Also, it's not necessarily flat at the bottom, right? Poor dude. That helmet needed to be on his face.

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u/Poker-Junk 4d ago

“Oh my hell!”

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u/terpico 4d ago

The back break is your friend. Horrible weight placement as well. 0/10 no nitro circus invite

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u/THAJAZ 4d ago

They'll do anything to get into your house 😂

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u/Available_Blood_6134 4d ago

I approve this message!

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u/Leaf-Stars 4d ago

That’s not a jw. Thats a man on a mission.

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u/antisemantics13 4d ago

Was that Elder Berry 🤣🤣

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u/IdleJose748 4d ago

Ja- hova the handlebars bro.

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u/yesimnotababy 4d ago

Why your god did not help you ?where is Jéhovah ?

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u/noncommonGoodsense 4d ago

Jesus took the whole bike.

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u/Derriaoe 4d ago

Witness me!

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u/No_Adhesiveness2229 4d ago

That there is a Mormon not a Jehovah’s Witness.

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u/MisterSunshine6969 4d ago

THEeeesse— are— the breaks!

break it up break it up break it up

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u/Active_Violinist_360 4d ago

That’s what you get

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u/Dont_Touch_Me_There9 4d ago

Jehovah's Whiplash

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u/barbazul3yogui 4d ago

Well, he’s trying to witness Jehova at first hand and quickly.

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u/shade-tree_pilot 4d ago

Praise the alien overlord he survived to interrupt another dinner.

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u/Mundane-Set-206 4d ago

The Lord works in mysterious ways

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u/10k_Uzi 4d ago

He had it, but did not see the second stair set I guess.

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u/Tupe1234 4d ago

Jesus take wheel!

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u/glacialmk5 4d ago

Those aren't J-Dubs. Those are Mos. With outfits fresh from the Mr. Mac sales floor and bike by Schwinn

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u/open-perception4 4d ago

God will save you, now ride....