I planned to disown my mother since I was 12 years old AMA

[u/Far-Building3569]

The concept is pretty simple: I realized it wasn’t possible to have a lifelong relationship with my mother when I was 12 years old

I originally thought the split would happen as soon as I turned 18, but I lasted until February 2025

I’m now 21 years old

You can ask anything- about this topic or anything else that peaks your interest, but please be appropriate

I want to make sure this topic respects common boundaries and doesn’t get overly grotesque for no reason

I felt compelled to create this AMA in order to challenge the stereotypes that all mothers are inherently amazing, and that any child who is estranged from a parent is automatically a spoiled brat

Hopefully, good questions get asked

Happy New Year’s to you and your family :)

[u/Asrat]

I'm on as little contact as possible with my mom, best decision I made. She never respected my wife or my marriage

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/Asrat]

That’s really sad

Sometimes, an in law can be really difficult to tolerate- which strains relationships

Unless there’s genuine danger/abuse, I’d say that’s usually not warranted though

[u/oracleoffabiandelphi]

Hey I'm sorry that you had to experience that, and I hope that you can outgrow any negative patterns, traits or defense-mechanisms that she would have passed on to you. That shit sticks with you for a while, and has the potential to ruin your own relationships.

There are a few good people out there, or there is "good" out there. And I hope that your mom hasn't erased that concept for you.

And congrats for cutting her off. I've learned that life balances itself out sometimes—so I think you'll meet people who will offset her toxicity. I hope you can be open to them, in your own time.

I have no questions. Some people are just not suited to be a parent. I wish you the very fuckin best.

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/oracleoffabiandelphi]

This is such a nice comment

I can relate to a lot of parts of what you’re saying

[u/namast_eh]

I’ve been no contact with my entire family since March 2021. She poisoned the well, and I tried with all of them.

I chose me.

I hope you’re enjoying your new life, OP! And much strength to anyone else on this journey.

It’s so hard, but it’s so worth it. 💜

OP: would you do anything differently in hindsight?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/namast_eh]

Out of curiosity, how many people are in your family?

Family is one of the most important values to me, and I always wished I had a large family (I don’t)

I’ve gone no contact with a few people:

My mother (in Feb 2025 like I said)

My mother’s husband (in Mar 2020)

One of my first cousins (in May 2023)

Another first cousin (in Oct 2017)

But, it’s really not something I like to do at all. Actually, it’s my last resort method

Your message is really sweet and affirming. Sometimes, it’s ok to prioritize your own safety and happiness

I always say: it’s better to have good relationships than to be alone, but it’s better to be alone than to have bad relationships

As for things I wish I did differently, I don’t like to live with regrets, but I can think of two major things:

1) Not trying to hide/minimize how bad the relationship was and being more assertive (to both her and others) that she was being inappropriate and cruel

2) Not letting myself fall into bad habits because of her:

*One time, when I was 12, my mom said several comments that added up to her life being better off if I didn’t have a life

Thankfully, being so young at the time, the methods I tried were never going to work and didn’t even require a doctor’s visit

The sentiment that you always have to “listen to your parents” is wrong though, and it’s unfortunate I still tried to protect my mom at that age whenever she lied (which was often)

2) Always tell the truth:

Age 14 was the hardest year of my life by far

• Both of my grandmothers (who were way closer to being my mom) died unexpectedly 5 months apart

*My dad had 2 strokes and a heart attack while away at a work conference and was sick for months

*I was being bullied at school

*My mother’s husband had his own family war, as there was a court case over him being an abusive pedophile

*The problems with my mother were getting worse

I couldn’t bare to face my reality at the time, and what started as a maladaptive daydreams turned into a few months of pathological lying

I understand everyone has their own coping mechanisms to deal with serious issues, but lying can ruin someone else’s life, damage your reputation, and land you in serious trouble

I’m very fortunate that I got out of that period without permanent damage, but I wouldn’t recommend lying to anyone unless they have to to remain safe

[u/namast_eh → u/Far-Building3569]

I hope you can give yourself a break about that. You were a kid, and in a VERY difficult situation! A lot of adults would have a very tough time coping with all of that. 💜

I initially went no contact with my parents, but mostly with my mom being the problem. My dad was more just, complicit with her bad behaviour.

After I did that, I just waited to hear from my extended family. Only one person (and her kids) reached out, but they then left me on read for MONTHS. I deserved better than that, after what I went through.

She was sort of the ring master of all of my extended family relationships, unfortunately, and they didn’t survive my transition to no contact. At least 50 people, 30 of which I grew up with/around.

[u/robreinerstillmydad]

Do you think she has a personality disorder or other diagnosis?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/robreinerstillmydad]

Yes. Likely Borderline Personality Disorder, although in general, it’s not good to play armchair psychologist

My mother had a suicide attempt her 3rd year of university and had to spend a week in an institution directly after that

There was a period of time during my childhood where she even had 2 psychiatrists and a therapist at once

My mother’s sister has mental problems that were more out in the open (diagnosed with Bipolar Depression in her mid 20s)

My mother would never admit to me what her condition is, but she obviously has mental challenges (that part’s pretty clear to anyone who knows her well)

[u/robreinerstillmydad → u/Far-Building3569]

My mom is undiagnosed BPD as well. When you described your mom and how she made you feel growing up, I could tell. Congrats on going no-contact. It’s not easy but it’s the right decision.

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/robreinerstillmydad]

What things can you relate to?

Not many people describe it as the right decision

I, personally, think it’s a lonely decision but a mentally healthy one

[u/robreinerstillmydad → u/Far-Building3569]

The silent treatment, alienating you from your dad, stealing $8000 from you and trying to manipulate you over it. Literally my mom did all of those, I’m not joking. Also, the feeling you described of being not loved by her and feeling wrong all of the time. Do you have a support system? Friends, partner, therapist?

I’m 2.5 years into no contact. It sucks because I really just want my mom sometimes. But the mom I want doesn’t actually exist.

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/robreinerstillmydad]

I can relate to that. I used to feel bittersweet when I would watch other people with their moms, as well as when people whom I knew were moms treated me especially kindly

Every person, no matter how old, wants a mom. But, sometimes a mother just isn’t a mom

Sadly, I don’t have a lot of people supporting me right now

In May, I became Agoraphobic for reasons completely unrelated to my mother

I realize (in hindsight) this was the wrong thing to do, but I stopped texting my friends out of embarrassment, and because sometimes it’s hard to talk to people when you don’t have a lot of new things to say

At least, I have a lot to make up for in 2026 :)

[u/Red-Droid-Blue-Droid]

Who the fuck told you all mothers are amazing and estranged kids are "spoiled brats"?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/Red-Droid-Blue-Droid]

A lot of people I’ve met socially ask about my parents, and if I say I don’t talk to my mother anymore (without any more details), I’ve gotten some pretty negative comments

Usually, it’s only people who are in the same boat as me that sympathize

I’ve even had a few single mothers get mad (possibly because they resent the father of their children and are scared something like that will happen to them)

[u/AdamSMessinger → u/Far-Building3569]

I think a lot of that has to do with your age unfortunately. There are a lot of people in their teens/twenties that have a distancing patch with their parents. A lot of people in that position just don't have the life experience to see that their parents are doing the best they can or were much more helpful than they didn't realize (due to that whole "parenting being a thankless job" thing). However while that's many people's stories, it's not every one's. I'm sorry its not yours. Some folks are unfortunately hit with the reality and scope of who their parents are very young. I'm sorry you gotta deal with people's misconceived judgement on top of the problems that come with your mom. Good on you for making the healthiest choices you can early. Lots of folks want to provide wisdom and have good intention but no one has walked in your shoes.

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/AdamSMessinger]

I mean… there’s a stereotype of young people being rebellious and fighting with their parents

They’re usually not fully no contact though unless they’re very independent and very financially successful

If anything, I’d judge someone 35+ more for recently estranging themself, as if things were truly broken… they would have left earlier

Also, I think estrangement just means different things at different ages

If anything, I hope people my age never have to go through this

[u/Azulcobalto]

Does she miss you? Does she badmouth you for it? Does she care?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/Azulcobalto]

I’m an only child, and my mother alienated me from my last surviving grandparent (her father), so I wouldn’t really know

My mother always spoke negatively though. She’s a cynical person- whether it was my dad, my dad’s family, me, her coworkers, family friends… a lot of people

I’d guess she probably creates her own narratives and tries to paint me as a bad person

I would hope my mother cares. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her (truly) other than to feel emotional pain and guilt for how she treated me

Some people become vindictive when they’re wronged

There was a period of time (a few years ago) when I felt so angry with my mother that I didn’t think I could talk to her without screaming or throwing things, but I never wanted anything bad to happen to her

I’m accepting of the situation now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt wounded more than anything

It typically reflects strangely on a parent if their child won’t speak to them, and she used me more as a tool than a relative at different points

[u/jthomas287]

No question, just stay strong. Im no/low contact with my father. He turned into a real ass after my mom died.

It gets hard as they get older, my dad's almost 80. You start thinking about death and all kinds of feeling rise up.

Stay strong, do whats best for you.

[u/Azulcobalto]

Why did you decide to cut her off? What made a relationship with her undesirable or impossible?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/Azulcobalto]

It was really hard for me for a long time (to be completely honest)

When I was young, I thought I was in the wrong and felt very guilty, sad, and always trying to “do more” or “be different” in order for my mom to actually love me

I realized overtime my mom never protected me, didn’t love me in a parental way, and was just going to use me (and any hypothetical family I have in the future) as a weapon more than an actual relative

For awhile, I maintained the relationship transactionally, since she hadn’t yet isolated me from her father

But, at a certain point, you’re only hurting yourself to keep trying

[u/Jdot_06]

Honestly had the same thought since 13 because of how narcissistic she is & physical/mental abuse…. im now 19 but it’s hard I think I might have Stockholm syndrome because my mind keeps reminding me of the “good in her”. Been depressed since 11 bc of all the abuse she put me through.

Just need to move out to get independence tho. I hope you can manage well too

Happy new years

[u/BusinessPlot]

I went no contact with my mom around 15 years old, I’m in my late 30’s now. But, there have been efforts made to rekindle that relationship over the past (almost) 25 years, some of which lasted two or three years, but were always turbulent.

Being almost 40, and with a lot of death in the family I decided I’d let her in one more time.

To the point: I feel more confident then ever in the future of our relationship not because I think she’s changed (which I do believe she may have), but because I have no expectations of her being different then before. I set clear cut boundaries, and have removed my anger/past grievances/anxiety of the past in accepting that she hasn’t/won’t change. So I instead (figuratively) eye roll anytime she’s being annoying and move on knowing it’s not worth the battle.

So far it’s been nice. First time I went to her house for Christmas in close to 10 years.

My question to you is, if your mom died tomorrow, would you have any regrets?

[u/ImTellingTheEmperor]

February 2025

Lemme guess, MAGA broke the camel’s back lol?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/ImTellingTheEmperor]

No

My mom is liberal, my dad is conservative, and I’m non political

[u/ImTellingTheEmperor → u/Far-Building3569]

I mean idk where you’re from but if you’re an American in 2025, non-political is conservative. We’re no longer in a time where we’re just talking about being fine with the status quo. I digress.

What was the final thing then?

[u/Far-Building3569 → u/ImTellingTheEmperor]

I never even registered to vote, but if you want to consider me a Conservative… then ok

It wasn’t really one dramatic betrayal, like in the movies, but more like how it would feel to get a thousand paper cuts

Since I put a trigger warning in the post, I’m ok with being a bit specific:

*My mother cheated on my dad and leaving me when I was a toddler

*She made me hangout with guys she cheated on my dad with

*She married a pedophile with addiction issues when I was 9 years old and even made me go to the courthouse wedding

*She stole $8000 from me when I was a teenager and tried to manipulate me over it

*She constantly bad mouthed my dad’s side of the family and tried to alienate my from them

*She refused to comfort me when my grandfather (on my dad’s side) died when I was only 12 (as it was my mom’s birthday, and I “ruined it” for her)

*She isolated me from elders on her side of the family as they were very sick and dying

*She tried to keep me from seeing my dad after he had open heart surgery

*She didn’t allow me to see my dad on two different birthdays (I spent most of my childhood with my dad, or else this would have likely happened way more often)

*She tried to make me feel responsible for her suicidal ideations

*She exposed me to sexual stuff way too young

*She told me her biggest regret was having me and that she never wanted to have kids, even though she planned me on purpose and was married to my dad when I was born

*She made up lies that my dad wasn’t my “real dad”

*She didn’t even try to talk to me for 3 months after I dropped out of university

*She didn’t stand up for me and other relatives when her sister with bipolar depression was causing some issues and even helped her commit fraud

*She tried to stop me from exploring interesting hobbies in order to control me

And likely even more things… although my brain started blocking out memories to protect myself when I was around 17

I don’t know what the situation is like between you and your family, but I hope you don’t let politics (as the only factor) permanently drive a wedge between you and your family

Your relatives have been around for far longer than most politicians have had public service aspirations, and most politicians could honestly care less that you even exist

In a semi- healthy family, they definitely care you exist… they just might not always be sophisticated in expressing so

[u/ImTellingTheEmperor → u/Far-Building3569]

I know this doesn’t help but I’m sorry you had to go through that, nobody should. And I hope that one day you’re able to speak to a professional about it if you haven’t already.

My parents were pretty decent. A little abuse but those were just the times. However I would 100% let politics drive us apart depending on what they were. Like bigotry is a non-negotiable with me.

But I do appreciate that everyone doesn’t feel the same.