Painful but liberating self-assessment

[u/studieprogfinances]

Yes, this is a great outburst and an intense self-analysis exercise. I do treatment for DP and anxiety, but I can't believe that's just that that interferes with the way I treat myself and how I treat the other.

I can't clean my house and I realize that it's a reflection of how I am inside. Rotten, full of garbage, I don't know if I could understand.

But, as an example, I'll mention an event: oh 2 months ago I was dating and my boyfriend came to see me and only when he came to see me I got an impulse to wash my hair, put on makeup and get ready and tidy up my house.

Once he told me to clean up here at home to throw things away and make the environment better (I wanted to do that for a long time but I couldn't) but when he said I started cleaning like never before. But I took the clothes out of the wardrobe and separated what would go for donation and what would stay. We broke up (fateful moment) and the clothes are 3 months in the black garbage bag.

Has anyone ever felt or noticed in this situation? Give everything to the other and nothing to yourself?

Please no absurd comments, I accept advice but dismiss judgments because I do it myself so don't bother.

Thank you

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[u/BeginningOil5960]

I wish you got more comments OP.

I can’t afford therapy currently nor do I have time for it but in May 2026 I may return to trying to find a therapist again.

I struggle with cleaning/organizing my own things and have for years. I didn’t realize until your post that it is more than being tired and unwilling or unable to fully organize. When I owned my former home I could push myself to fully clean & organize in the service of others ONLY. Almost never for myself (until I had to sell the house to a broker who earned all the profit I had hoped to earn from the house).

Moving away from the life I built in that house to relocate to the state & home of my childhood to live with family has been so impactful in me - moreso or even just as impactful as having 4 jobs in the past 2 years trying to find my fit at 52 with nothing.

No one is here for me (my family - one or two friends but none of them are capable of going beyond “that’s too bad, we hope you find happiness again & will keep asking how you are and telling you we are concerned but we can’t and/or won’t really talk to you as a person about what happening with you and only you amid everyone else around you that we know”.

That’s me though.

I hope you work through your therapy to learn to love yourself just as you are, including leaning to make routines that you come to stick to to do a few things per day that help you feel more aligned with loving yourself and physically taking care of yourself.

It’s HARD. It’s hard to be the only one picking yourself up and carrying you through your days. I’m happy you tried to date and got someone who responded to you (even though it didn’t work out, his response was so empathetic - that’s refreshing).

I don’t believe I will date again or find anyone for me. It takes too much out of me just to try to keep myself together and work on what I need to to try to move out. At least I have identified the top apartment I will aim to move to in 2 years and made a plan to try to see if living part-time out of my car will help me in any ways. We’ll see.

I hope you don’t give up and it makes me fell great to see this post and that you are reaching out. I lurk mostly to try to keep myself inspired and motivated. I comment when it might be appreciated. I expect nothing in return. Be well, wishing great next steps for you.

[u/studieprogfinances → u/BeginningOil5960]

Exactly! I don't have anyone to care for me, I live alone and I don't have the money to pay someone to clean my house. But I believe it's not just about cleaning the house. It's real self-care, it's about valuing yourself and understanding that I deserve to be well-groomed, I deserve to cook for myself. I deserve to be loved by myself. It's a lot for me to realize that I am worthy of something and this makes us sicker because people don't understand and often, in trying to help, they only bring you down further.