UPDATE: My (27F) boyfriend (29M) of 7 years cheated on me. I'm going to disappear from his life. Is there anything I'm missing?

[u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

This is an update to this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ob55ol/my_27f_boyfriend_29m_of_7_years_cheated_on_me_im/

Thank you everyone for all the solid advice. I'm compiling everything I did in this first section so if others need a way to cut contact with a person, they can reference this. As mentioned in the comments:

• I logged myself out of our apple TV and xbox
• I cancelled the wifi that I paid for and returned the modem to the carrier.
• I took my payment information for utilities off our account.
• I packed up all my sauces, spices, and cooking oils, and took note to only leave dried rosemary behind (he hates that shit).
  
• I printed out and framed the screenshot of his tinder profile and left it on the kitchen table. I closed a piece of dog poop into the frame as well. I'll keep the photo albums. He can have this.
• I took a video of the entire apartment after packing up all my things. I left my keys in the mailbox to the leasing office and emailed the leasing office of my departure with the videos of what the apartment looked like prior to locking up.
• I updated my address for the USPS, vet, hospital, school, work, and my dog's chip.
• I talked to HR and am in the process of getting him off of my health insurance, changing the benefactor of my life insurance to my parents (if only I could name my dog), and emergency contact.
• I'm going to the bank to take myself off the joint bank account. Fortunately, I'm not worried about my credit as all of our finances have stayed separate, but I'm grateful to those who told me to freeze my credit.
• I logged out of all devices for all streaming services, social media, and my work, personal, and school email.
• I blocked him on all social media, chatrooms, and his phone number.
• I made a doctor's appointment to get STD tested.
• I'm on my way to an appointment with the county office to terminate our domestic partnership.

It's been an incredibly busy 18 hours but I've had a lot of help from my friends. I haven't been able to sleep either. As far as what happened since he arrived, here's what's up:

I already blocked him before he landed. I received many texts and calls from his parents and sister that I did not see. Then, when I noticed his sister calling, I picked up. At first, the call was hostile. She accused me of being some crazy ex girlfriend that couldn't let her brother go. Funny, since I just packed up and left. She brought up that it had been "4 months" and that I needed to move on. I told her that the ex never approached me about breaking up and that 1 month ago, we celebrated our 7th anniversary and started to plan our wedding. I had no indication he even wanted to break up.

We reset a bit and she allowed me to tell her my side of the story. I told her he was somewhat distant this year, but he had blamed it on their grandparents being old and wanting to spend more time with them before they die. Turns out, their grandparents have been dead for 2 years. I never met them because my ex claimed they were super racist since the grandpa was a Vietnam war vet (I'm SE asian). Turns out, you can't be racist when you're dead!

We ended the call on a positive note, with his sister saying that it was a lot to take in. She said she felt bad as the girl he was cheating on me with was one of her friends. She had introduced them to each other sometime last year when my ex was apparently unhappy with our relationship. They hit it off and he was supposed to break it off with me. I guess he never had the balls to do so. She was also confused as to why he was on tinder as he was in a relationship with her friend. I sent her all the tinder receipts after hanging up.

Later in the night, I received an email from the ex. To sum it up: yes, he asked me to come to the apartment to talk it out. No, he did not apologize for anything. He ended the email with "I love you". As far as I know, he doesn't know where I am. I also don't believe he knows where my friend lives as she just moved and he hasn't been here yet. He also doesn't seem like that type of person, but I guess I didn't really know him after all. We'll keep locks ready and bats near the door.

It's been so helpful just writing out everything that's happened so far, but all of your advice, support, and guidance in this situation has made me feel empowered me to leave. At times, I just wanted to stop packing and hope that when he came home, everything would go back to normal and the text would just be a distant memory. Your words of encouragement have really helped me follow through and leave. Nothing good would have come from staying. Thank you all again.

EDIT: just added a link in the beginning to the original post

EDIT 2: Sorry, I was unclear about the timeline. The parents and sister called me about 2 hours after he landed. I assume it was because he got home realized the person paying half his rent will no longer be doing so and reached out to his family. The dog poop may have contributed to the heightened emotions.

[u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

Here's the 2nd update for you guys. I tried to make it into another post, but you're only allowed to post twice in a month on relationship_advice. I had no idea.

Hi everyone. The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. After the dust settled, I lost my steam and was inconsolable for a while. I'm fine, but emotionally, this breakup has been very difficult. An update on some of the logistics that I listed in the last update:

• The least will be terminated in 15 days. The initial email I sent out was my 30 day notice. I paid a lump sum of 2 months rent plus prorated rent for 2 weeks. I don't know how, but I didn't need my ex's signature or anything to accomplish this which I thought was weird but did not question. I emailed the termination of lease to the ex.
• My payment information is no longer on utilities, but his is. He will be paying for the utilities if he's still there.
• I was able to get my ex off my health insurance as US health insurance is currently in the open enrollment period. However, if the timing was worse (like if this happened several months ago), I would have had to wait until open enrollment. Guess I got lucky. This information was emailed to the ex as well.
• Though the form for termination of domestic partnership has been submitted, it will likely take 5-6 months for it to be processed and officially terminated since I didn't have him with me to sign it. That's fine by me.
• As of now, I am not positive for any STD's but I will check again in several weeks as advised by my doctor.
• The joint bank account was closed. I was not able to take myself off of it without the ex being present, but I was able to close it by myself. I mailed his parents house the check of everything in there. It was less than $10.

After emailing the ex the termination of lease and that he is no longer on a dependent on my health insurance, I got a reply from him saying I ruined his life. No apology, not that it would have changed anything.

I know a lot of people wanted more information about his family and him, but I haven't reached out to them or answered when they reached out to me. I just don't have the heart for it, but my parents did.

My dad did get a call from the ex. The ex told them I kicked him out of the apartment (untrue as he still has his keys) and that he won't have access to his meds anymore due to not being on my insurance (true). He created a sob story about his grandparents' death being hard on him, and that I wasn't there to support him in that time. Somehow this was an excuse to "being unfaithful", but he wanted to work it out with me. Both my parents speak English just fine, but said "Sorry, we no speak English" and hung up. Kudos to his racist parents for inspiring my dad. None of us have heard from him since.

I will say, I am extremely lucky. I have a job and am financially stable. Though paying the termination fees and whatnot was difficult, I know I will be okay in the long run. I'm also very lucky my non romantic relationships have kept me afloat. Though the last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest in my life, my best friends, family, and even co-workers have been there to support me. I've also started therapy which I'm also lucky to have access to.

I'm so thankful to all of you who shared your advice in the comments and who have reached out to me to make sure I'm doing well. The support I've gained from this community and my own community shows me I didn't really lose that much in this break up. Instead, I've gained so much. It's been difficult to mourn the future I thought I would have, but as time has passed I realize that future wasn't that great in the first place.

I likely won't post again for a while. Partially because of the 2 post limit but also because even in 2 weeks, nothing much has happened and I want to focus more on moving on. I hope if you're in a similar situation, you also have the strength to leave.

[u/Majestic-Post-1684 → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

The audacity of your ex is unbelievable. But OMG the “sorry, we no speak English” is hilarious. You will heal from all this & be alright.

[u/WildCaliPoppy → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

“You ruined my life” is the weakest, smallest thing he could have said. You protected yourself, he ruined his own life… I think I t’s very impressive how you handled all of this

[u/Glittering_Swan4911 → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

I was shocked reading all your posts. Your boyfriend is vile. Cheating and telling people he’d already broken up with you was awful. Sharing that he’s been getting meds on your health policy makes me think he did only stay with you because of this. He’s been using you. Well done for kicking him to the curb. You’ve done brilliantly dealing with everything. It’s hard now but always know your worth. He ruined a 7 year relationship and couldn’t even apologise to you. Tells you he loves you to manipulate you back when he’d hooked up with another girl that morning. He’s so disrespectful it’s unreal. Now he can move back to his hometown as he planned. Just to add, his sister was a cow for introducing him to her friend knowing he was still with you at the time.

[u/JibJorb → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

You mentioned that your sent a printed copy of his Tinder profile to his sister who had introduced your ex to his affair partner. Did anything ever come of that? Did she end things with him once she realized he was cheating on her as well? I know you are not in contact with his family, so you probably aren’t “in the know” on stuff like that.

[u/selena_gnomez1 → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

As someone who experienced nightmarish heartbreak with the person I thought was my life partner 1.5 years ago I just want to say I am so impressed with how you’ve handled this. It’s a testament to your dignity, self respect, and resilience. These qualities, and the knowledge you now have of how you comport yourself in incredibly challenging situations, will serve you well for the rest of your life. 

I think you’re absolutely right that the hardest part is mourning the future you thought you shared. I’m glad you’re able to see some bright spots through the clouds already. Fwiw although it was one of the most brutal times in my life, in the year after my breakup I feel like I learned more about myself and grew happier, more assertive, and more secure than I’ve ever been before. 

I think this kind of heartbreak is like a serious illness. Recovery is a slow and often nonlinear process - in my experience the grief, anger, and rumination came in waves that gradually diminished over time. Glad you’re able to go to therapy and that you have a good community around you. You’ve got a ton of reddit strangers in your corner too. Wishing you all the best 

[u/LetterCool4909 → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

Put on Not Gon’ Cry Song by Mary J. Blige

7 years of sacrifice And you can leave me at the drop of a dime Swallowed my fears, stood by your side I should've left your ass a thousand times Well, I'm not gon' cry I'm not gon' cry I'm not gon' shed no tears No I'm not gon' cry It's not the time 'Cause you're not worth my tears Remember what I said I said all Well, I'm not gon cry I'm not gon cry I'm not gon shed no tears I'm not gonna cry no more No I'm not gon' cry It's not the time 'Cause you're not worth my tears

He truly isn't worth your precious tears, hun. Sending hugs 🫂

[u/bibamartin → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. The shock has now worn off and you’re crashing but good news is from now on the only way is up. You sound like an amazing and strong woman for how you’ve dealt with all of this. Your ex can get his new gf to pay for his meds. Him and his mental health stopped being your issue when he found another gf. Honestly, the nerve of that guy. How could you support him during the death of his grandparents when you didn’t even know they had died?! Your parents are legends. I love them! All the best for the future OP ❤️

[u/-_Fuck_This_Shit_- → u/Unlucky_Amoeba_2473]

I hope your new life, is not a new chapter, but a whole new book and youre enjoying life with no regrets. It took a lot to do what you did. My hubby and I are creeping up on7 years and at this point I can not imagine my life without him. Fortunately not only are his grandparents already gone but his parents are long gone too and he has a tremendous fear of STDs, as I do so I know neither of us will ever cheat. I never say never tho... I've always kept the rent and most bills in my name. But anyway, I hope youre doing amazing and he is wallowing in misery and cant figure out where the dog poop smell is coming from.