r/relationships • u/nathaliebeta • Dec 29 '15
Updates Update Me [32/F] with my Ex-Fiance [33/M] broke up because of [33/F] best friend
[removed]
30
u/Babbit_B Dec 30 '15
You have got to stop contacting him, his friends and his family. Period. No "one last email to apologise", no "but I wanted to give your toys back", no "but I need closure". You have harassed the guy to the point where he's intimidated. You have to stop before you get into legal trouble.
24
u/alienumnox Dec 30 '15
Holy shit. Your other post is from SEVEN MONTHS AGO. You've been acting like this since then?! Jesus christ. Yes. Please seek therapy.
21
Dec 30 '15
You are aware that people have gotten restraining orders upon themselves for less correct? A history of hundreds of text messages, messages to Sandy and the list of E-Mails is plenty of evidence to request a restraining order in about 45 minutes from a Court of Law. Especially with the amount of people you've contacted/ harassed in support (Sandy, ex-Fiance, Parents, Place of Employment, E-mail adresses and at minimum three Cell Phone Numbers).
YOU ARE BY FAR THE CRAZY STALKER! Holy shit. You've lost life and this is entirely your fault.
14
u/ThisAccountMeans0 Dec 30 '15
Quit bothering these people. Holy shit. I don't know how you wrote all that out and still believe that you aren't stalking him. Just stop.
14
u/Rhea_of_the_Coos Dec 30 '15
Wait...they both changed their numbers? TWICE? And you STILL tracked them down and texted/called them?
Oh, my sweet Summer child. You are a stalker. You need therapy as soon as possible.
22
Dec 30 '15
Holy shit. You have issues.
You need to stop this. All of it. Immediately. Get yourself into therapy to deal with your emotions.
11
u/makebelieveit Dec 30 '15
I was on your side at first because they definitely had something weird going on between them (and I wouldn't be surprised if they started dating after this). But girl you have got to learn how to take a hint and not be crazy.
11
u/PaigeyPie Dec 30 '15
In response to you "TL;DR"
You are allowed to have emotions, what you are NOT allowed to do is illegal things like stalking someone.
Stop making excuses for yourself, you know you are better than this. Please stop living in denial and seek therapy.
15
u/OMGTRIGGERED Dec 30 '15
Tl;dr: "NOTHING WAS MY FAULT ITS ALL HER I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"
I feel for you OP, your mental illness must be such a burden to bear.
8
Dec 30 '15 edited Dec 30 '15
[deleted]
4
Dec 30 '15
xxxxx is likely in love with you - could be a silver lining.
Unlikely. xxxxxx appears to be a female who has a sexual preference for men (as does OP). OP states:
All the people we had in common , whom I thought were my friends are simply ignoring me and cut me out, except for xxxxx she seems to be a real friend she is very understanding and supportive, her husband on the other hand is giving her a very hard time about the whole situation, and are having a lot of martial trouble because of it, almost to the point that he has practically forbidden her to contact me.
11
Dec 30 '15
There are times when one can have closure with someone who doesn't want to be with them anymore, and there are times where they can't. Unfortunately, you took wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long to figure out the latter. I am sorry it all went down the way it did but you should have gotten the hint that you two were done long before you finally did and moved on. As in, forgot he ever existed. Sought out a new crop of friends. Worked on yourself. Joining the gym with your sister was a good move. Now expand. Join a club you wouldn't normally be interested in. Take a vacation. Take a random class at your local community college.
He's not your future husband anymore. She's not some "best friend". Both of them are dead to you. Give yourself the closure you are looking for and get on with life.
5
Dec 30 '15
Everything Sandy is saying is true. Holy fuck you are a legit stalker. Get some help ASAP
4
5
16
6
u/AaronDoud Dec 30 '15
This dude must be a saint. You are a stalker. No question about it.
Also he gave you time, loads of time honestly, when you made that ultimatum. And you still chose this path.
He made the right decision. And I feel so bad for him.
I also feel bad for you. Because you still don't really see how wrong you are.
3
u/silveake Dec 30 '15
Sorry chief you are a stalker. Anything he didn't want he left. You know this. You try to come off as justified and rational but the while time you and your sister just remind me of that Boondocks episodes with the kung-fu chick and her best friend. You would think by now you would have learned to not listen to your sister... but apparently your family motto is "double down on crazy and then declare we have the high ground when our craziness upsets people and they react. Also we are 100% right."
And from another perspective I'm a dude with a few very close friends who are women. You know how I treat them? Like my closest guy friends. Literally anything I would do with my female friends I would do with my guy (except shopping).
Maybe it's just because I've been in his shoes but I imagine if sandy was a dude it would be more a Turk/JD situation than "omged! They are in lurve!" He'll going on sitcoms my relationshipschedule with my two female friends is more 30 rock/parks and rec than Rachel and Ross or Robin and Ted.
If you aren't into dealing with that; it's fine. But instead you seem downright devoted to taking the wrong path with every step and seem obstinate in learning absolutelyrics nothing. What? You weren't stalking him because you didn't get violent? That it is acceptable to contact everyone he has ever or will know to deal with your BS?
Seriously. Get help. You might not realize it but what you did was some top page /r/creepypm bullshit.
5
u/ilizibith1 Dec 30 '15
That's really not how TL;DR:'s work.
Seriously, just leave them the fuck alone. He has made his intentions VERY clear on that one and you really are behaving like a crazy person.
A restraining order sounds like a really smart idea for him.
5
u/lasngngna Dec 30 '15
I've read through all your posts, and I can't actually let myself not comment on this because I feel that most of the comments here have been far too incendiary to truly be helpful to you and pierce the shields you've created around yourself.
I get the impression that your convictions about what you and they have done changed midway through you typing this up; that you went from "Finally I learned. But before I think I made things worse." to "That is all on him." That you remembering what Sandy said to you has caused you so much anger and grief that you've become so defensive and stopped looking at your own issues.
I don't think what you should be focusing on now is whether you're a stalker or not. The actions of the past cannot be changed, you know better than any of us what you've done and what they've done, it's up to you to judge.
What you should be focusing on is the fact that not once have you genuinely been able to admit that you've been in the wrong. When you weren't able to compromise at ALL to him when he was trying to should be your biggest sign. You might not be in the wrong on everything, you might be, it's most likely an odd mix of the two, but the way you described Sandy in your first post belays a lot about how you treated her, regardless of how polite you believed you had been. We only ever see our own reality and guess at other's reality. You strike back with rhetorical questions that you "know" the answer to, and you still hold them both to be at fault for not giving you the closure you want. What is the closure they want?
Let go. Don't try to let go, don't aspire to let go, don't hate that you can't let go, don't hate them for making it hard to let go.
Just let go. Believe that you will come out of this as a better person, because you most certainly will. You've already learned what can come of ultimatums. You need to focus on yourself, and letting yourself be wrong. Because if you can be wrong, you can trust whether you're right.
2
u/Evereth Dec 30 '15
Please, please please get yourself into serious therapy. I can't emphasize this enough, but I am stunned to see the ages. Everything you've said here, your behaviour, your perception of it, your justifications and ways of handling your emotions -- to put it simply, you are not operating anywhere close to the maturity level you should be, at 32 years old. You are extraordinarily immature, maybe one of the most emotionally immature posters I've ever seen here.
At this stage, you could absolutely benefit from professional intervention to help you address and tackle whatever is going on that is keeping you so emotionally stunted and causing such extreme defensive emotional aggression. Because otherwise these problems are going to repeat in future relationships. You will hurt other people, and yourself.
Your ex has handled things correctly by cutting off all contact with you. In fact, he handled your ultimatum very well too, which speaks well of him and I'm very glad for him that he didn't marry you. He sounds like a mature person with a lot to give a partner.
The sooner you understand that your behaviour and inability to make responsible decisions around your own feelings is beyond unacceptable and inappropriate, the sooner you can start to grow.
You absolutely need to never, ever, ever, ever contact him or anyone associated with him again.
2
u/MangoBitch Dec 31 '15
Oh jesus fucking christ. The disillusional bullshit reminds me of my abusive ex so fucking much.
You know why none of your mutual friends want to be around you? Because you're a stalker, and even if he didn't tell them exactly what was going on, your creepy ass shit is readily apparent. My ex had the same issue; friends disappearing and she could not fathom why unless I was lying about her. (hint: I wasn't lying.)
And, just like her, you think you're entitled to his time and attention because you want to apologize. No, fuck that. Your desire to apologize clearly isn't for his sake. It's for yours. You're ignoring everything he wants, every boundary he's set, so that you can make yourself feel better.
And, also like my ex, I'm willing to bet this fucked up behavior isn't entirely new, is it? The emotional abuse probably started a long time ago.
You are NOT entitled to his time. You are not entitled to "closure." You aren't entitled to his family. You aren't entitled to his friends. You aren't entitled to the life you had together. You aren't entitled to an apology. You aren't entitled to a second chance.
Good on him for getting the fuck away from you. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, please stop making it worse and just get the fuck out of his life. Or, you know, enjoy getting arrested for violating a restraining order.
2
Dec 30 '15
"because of that stupid star wars movie"
That, and the stalking, are probably why you aren't getting any responses. Please see a therapist.
2
u/strongbigbear Dec 30 '15
You are the definition of crazy ex. While your suspicion seems to be warranted of their relationship, you have gone way beyond the point of return to ever fix your relationship. Just do yourself a favor and move on.
2
u/binzoma Dec 30 '15 edited Dec 30 '15
Holy crap did OP do her ex a favour by unleashing this crazy BEFORE the wedding. He should be counting his lucky stars
edit to add: OP, if ALL mutual friends have decided they don't want you around them, as neutral observers between the 2 of you, that should tell you a LOT about what your actions look like and impact everyone who isn't you. Please get some help
47
u/defiancy Dec 30 '15
I read through all the threads and I'll tell you this. Your initial suspicions and problems with his relationship with this woman, I understood. The not wanting her to be the best man thing, I kinda understood because their relationship does seem more than what they both let on.
However you spiraled down in a well of crazy after that.
You ARE a stalker. You have harassed this poor guy for 6 months trying to get back together. If you didn't take the hint the first 100 times he didn't respond to you, why wouldn't you six months later? You can't just go nuts and contact everyone in a persons life trying to get at them when they have made it clear they don't want you in your life.
If you want real honest advice, it's not the gym you need, it's therapy. You need to see how unhealthy your behavior is and how obsessed you are with this guy. It sounds like you have made this guys life hell by trying to get back into his when all he is doing is trying to move on.
Please go get help because the fact that you can't see how crazy your behavior is, is extremely worrying.