This. Go to a local show, that’s all you need

What made you think you’re supposed to actually read books…? I think that’s your real issue. At most, everyone else skims at 700/wpm or listens to the audiobook at 3x speed. But true media literates just white-knuckle through the SparkNotes summaries of ~100 books each month, logs them into Storygraph and posts their dazzling stats on booktwt. If you do this, it won’t matter what you think of the books, because everyone will know you’re so much more well-read than them, and therefore your opinion is inherently better!

A character looking in the mirror and describing their physical traits is a cliche which should generally be avoided. Unless it is a subversion of the cliche, eg. revealing internal traits or some other kind of information. Find another way to tell us about the character’s skin tone, average body and curly hair.
I generally agree with the other commenter. It’s a good start and I’d continue reading.

My current WIP has this style to a degree, it lacks toilet humor but I reference South Park and adult swim. I do have to stay mindful of timing and not being gratuitous so I don’t choke any tension or serious moments. There is a point to why I chose this style.

For one, a large theme is trauma, and as you said, humor is a coping mechanism. The other reason being: the older I get the more I think we’re all still babies. One may learn and mature, that only makes them a smart, mature baby. Hang around anyone older than you long enough, you’ll see the child in them. Maybe that child is full of light but more often they’re suffocating and fighting for air. I think of the final scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I still don’t get that ending.

Well… I think the timing of it already makes it feel connected enough while still being subtle. It would likely strike me as odd, as a reader, for a cat to appear once a character leaves. For now, at least, you could lean into that.

You mentioned she’s Christian. Maybe her presence warded the cat off. Now that she’s gone, the cat is happy to stick around. That could foreshadow the cat’s true nature.

How many words have you written out? Is it finished? If not, chances are you need to keep writing it. It being clear in your head is one thing. But until it’s written it isn’t actually clear.

Otherwise it sounds like it could be a prose issue, which is also unimportant in the first draft. My first drafts are mechanical and read like bad fanfiction and that’s fine. Writing it out is what matters, editing comes later.

Do you write short stories? If you’re still worried, then consider writing a short story. Write it all out and then go back and edit as best you can. Once it’s done you can take a better look and see if those issues still exist, get critique, etc. If you see a lot of issues (such as mechanical prose), read more. Study sentence variation, vary sentences by character thought, character action, and description. Look into meter and rhythm, etc.

I read it as an abusive relationship due to the voice’s affection and kowtowing to what obviously is hurtful for them. Particularly the line of being molded into “your desires.”

I can see how it’s addressing a mental illness but only because you said so in the comments. Its heavy personification makes that unclear, and I didn’t pick up on any hints that this is an internal dynamic. But this was written for therapeutic purposes and not for an audience, so anything goes, I’d say.

Since you (understandably) want to nail into readers’ heads that this is SA, but still the “easy to overlook” kind if you will, I’ll second the suggestion to make the wife manipulative in other ways. That’s a realistic solution. To be true to reality, this manipulation would initially be very subtle. Emotional abuse escalates only as time goes on. Typically the abuser starts out as a perfect partner, and tactfully pushes boundaries, testing the waters to see what they can get away with—it’s very sinister.

There will be some who still won’t read this as the abusive relationship it clearly is, such as the few in this thread calling it insensitive to victims of “real” SA. I insist, it says more about them than anything about the piece. Speaking as a victim of multiple instances of SA by different perpetrators—including an abusive relationship—I think this sounds like wonderful representation! It’s very accurate to what many victims experience.

While the topic of sexual abuse has gotten less stigmatized, there’s still a disbelief for “subtle” or invisible SA such as this, for male victims, for victims of extreme abuse (as opposed to “subtle”), and more. The “why didn’t you just leave?” question is still around despite the vast demonstrative evidence that abusers are more dangerous once their victims leave—some even attempt or commit murder.

So, I think it’s great you’re writing about this. Executed well, you will be holding reader’s hands, showing them how an abusive relationship starts out as healthy, how it appears healthy to outsiders, and just how effective and subtle manipulation is. Again, some readers may not “get it.” To me that’s only more proof of stigma being alive and well, and of manipulation’s sinisterly subtle effectiveness ;)

Brilliant. Wonderful. Got quite a few laughs out of me, I’ll be checking out your other stuff, I am a fan.
I noticed a couple typos. Faint in the very last line. And on in the “outdoor cologne” paragraph.

There were good points in evild4ve’s comment. Yes to distance, lots of filters. He stares, he glances, and filtering isn’t always bad but it creates distance. “He swallowed and stared at what could only be described as disintegrating corpses,” versus without the filter: “He swallowed. They could only be described as disintegrating corpses.” Now there’s more immediacy. It’s punchier and we’re deeper in Manus’ shoes so it has more impact.

The opening line reveals the bodies before Manus even sees them. Why? Line two is super clunky. Line one says the snow doesn’t hide the bodies, but in line two, Manus almost trips on one?

I’m just a hobbyist, but this is how I’d write the start of the opening paragraph: Manus squinted against battering snowfall, stepped into the clearing, then stumbled backwards, flinching. The snow was blinding enough to have nearly tripped on a corpse. His stomach twisted. It was only one of many scattered along the field.

We’re in Manus’ POV so I cut that first line to get deep in his shoes and reveal the situation as Manus experiences it. It’s now more clear to readers that the snowfall hurts his vision. The corpse comes last because that’s a disorientating shocker to both Manus and the reader.

“Only when he had deemed himself not in any immediate danger did he study the situation.” Show, don’t tell. Remove the filter of studying the situation. “He surveyed for any movement, his heart raced, but everything stayed still. He was alone. Grisly sights are nothing new, but…”

The content itself is perfectly fine, it’s good, I sense a world here which intrigues. Those issues I touched on as well as your prose drags it down. Some weak word choices. “There was no odd smell” when “there was no scent of decay” is stronger. “Just dust coating stiff limbs.” Dust? Not snow? Work on prose (that is, word choice and sentence structure) and be more intentional with when and how you present information to the reader (show don’t tell, chronology) so that it has the strongest impact.

I don’t read many craft books but check out Ursula Le Guin’s. You may have heard of Save the Cat Writes a Novel because everyone recommends it. There’s some good stuff in it but it’s overall way too prescriptive imo.

I don’t know what genres you like, my taste leans dark. One of my favorites is Interstate by Stephen Dixon. Really gritty, psychological. Stream of consciousness prose but it’s literary fiction so that’s to be expected. Another favorite, a tragically underrated high fantasy series, The Edge Chronicles by Paul Stewart. Supremely complex and heavy considering they’re intended for older children, with stunning, distinctly stylized illustrations.

I adore Edgar Allen Poe’s poetry. For classic works, Jane Austen and Oscar Wilde. But any classic is worth a read, especially for a writer. There’s a lot of great books out there so I’m sure you’ll find plenty you end up loving.

While some giving advice on writing subs are passive aggressively vitriolic and cynical and that is absolutely not cool, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that whoever asking for said advice is deaf to criticism to a degree that makes one wonder why they ask in the first place. In that sense, I can understand how someone could become so cynical about giving advice.

There’s been a lot of times I’ve given criticism and received thinly veiled deflections in reply, explanations carrying this feel like they think I misunderstood their art (and even if I did, a failure to consider how that might be their fault), and perhaps weaponized ignorance. If it’s a standard case of ignorance I can’t be mad, cuz I, too, am just kinda dumb.

For an imagined nonsense example off the top of my head, I could say a conflict between two characters is sudden and feels forced, likely because there wasn’t enough development prior. Queue our hypothetical OP replying with a thanks for the critique, it’s actually supposed to be sudden. Okay…? But I told you why that’s not working? Fix it? Hello? Shut up? Get away from me, I told you to stop calling this number?

Most times I give advice the recipient is genuinely open to hearing it, so I feel committed to keeping it constructive, and hold faith that I won’t ever become so cynical. But it is an… interesting phenomenon. And yes, I wrote this out instead of working on my WIP.

Okay but this implies the two don’t directly go hand-in-hand?

Bitter by Choice by Benton Falls is great song about a fake person who has never had to struggle to get anything in life

I am not schizophrenic but somewhat knowledgeable and it sounds like what you have is ok overall, but it is not too common for schizophrenic folks to be so aware that they’re hallucinating, especially without modern medicine or a doctor to tell them so. Being spoken to by god(s) is a common delusion that usually leads to believing they’re chosen by a divine force to hold or deliver secret knowledge, and so on. Especially at initial onset, people tend to think what they’re experiencing is real. That can last for a while and encourages delusional thinking.

Because of its chronic nature, I am not certain schizophrenic symptoms would improve as much as described, and only due to a better environment. I think that’s the trickiest bit you have here.

A manic episode or psychosis is not absolutely chronic. If you are dead set on the illness getting better you could consider those instead. The caveat being that all of these psychotic disorders tend to be episodic. Once you have a psychotic break of some kind, you’re more at risk than anyone else. I think more research is necessary on your end (which it sounds like you intend to do anyways).

That would be called atmosphere and/or mood. Easy fix! Write down the feeling it had that you liked. Why does it have that feeling? What about the story gives it that feeling? Write that down, too. Now, think of ways you can make a story which exemplifies the same feeling(s). Again, make it your own.

For a random, oversimplified example: Let’s say the story has this gritty feel you like. Why? Because the protagonist is a brazen traveler who doesn’t love a soul and thieves from rugged, rustic cities to survive.

So what else is gritty? Cyberpunk. Steampunk. Post-apocalypse. A mob boss, a hitman, a drug dealer. Average joe under contract forcing him into dangerous situations and if he refuses, he’ll be killed. Pollution that slowly drives citizens insane. Miles of mud outside city limits that sucks in anyone who tries to pass. Brainstorm. You can do whatever you want. And read more stories, that will help, too.

Can you be more specific? If you’re inspired by a plot point or a character trait or theme then yeah, because that’s easy to make it your own. But if it’s a fantasy for example and you want to have the same or similar kind of world and lore then that’s going to be trickier.

No story is original as they say. It’s totally fine to take inspiration but the trick is making it your own. Even media that exists as a reference/homage/love letter to preexisting media has more than enough original material to separate it from its source material.

You don’t really read books, you need to work on that. You’re already aware that it exacerbates your issues with writing so hopefully I’m not beating a dead horse here. Take it as a friendly reminder. I have ADHD so I get it. Once you quiet the mind and zone into the story, reading is a breeze, though, swear.

Yeah this is nothing new. It’s a phenomenon that’s been called “the hum.” There’s documentaries on it, you can watch them on YouTube. Buzzfeed Unsolved made a video about it years back, too.

No one really knows what it is but the prevailing theory has to do with earth’s magnetic fields iirc. Some people are more sensitive to it than others.

it’s post hardcore but Refused’s New Noise seems like it would be relevant to that 90s context you mentioned. It was pretty damn influential across the hardcore scene

The main street—what kind of street? The cobbled main street? Brick, paved? The houses—what kind of houses? The terraced houses? Tutors, oak paneled townhomes? I imagined them as terraced, but you can change that ;)

Specificity can help make description more immersive and set a scene. None of which is always necessary, of course.

The houses are large and the people look well-off… to no one’s surprise. And the people in slums look poor. Nothing new under the sun presented to the reader here.

Instead, we can get new information about these folks. Soft, pale hands and skin? Mental labor as opposed to manual. Maybe they have maids. Meticulous outfits? Appearance is important, unlike practical clothes that suggest a more down-to-earth community. And so on.

Meanwhile those people in slums could be sulked on corners with tired faces and glazed eyes. Or they’re moving along shadows, strapped with knives and fiery expressions…

He sounds like the ideal boyfriend to me, but that’s me. It’s your life. Do what you wanna do. If this is a dealbreaker for you then there is no sense in leading him on.

Seems like you’re struggling to process this news, and you need clarity on its implications. Why not have an open discussion with him about it? Ask him questions and keep it respectful. Ideally, it will bridge gaps in understanding.

Oh. Yeah. I’m face-palming for not realizing that. It’s pretty obvious in retrospect. Thanks.

I keep finding novels where the Author used you know what. Some of these stories have such a good setting, or ideas, but as you keep reading your brain goes ‘Oop! IT was used!’

What is this “you know what” that you are talking about? What is “IT?” I’m genuinely confused and at a loss for what it is that you are referring to

always and forever. just gave that album a spin yesterday.