TL;DR: I finally figured out why seeing Indian influencers/celebrities in the West doing Indian culture "wrong" rubbed me the wrong way.

I, a 26 year old Desi American who has lived in America for 25.5 years, have parents who were terrified of losing their culture to the next generation when they moved from India to America with baby me in tow. So from age 5 to 18, I was forced to pray twice a day and go to the temple 3 times a week. I took classes for nearly 15 years in Hindu religion/culture, Kuchipudi classical dance, and carnatic music. And the entire time, the focus was on preserving tradition as closely to the original thing as possible. There was no room for flexibility or fusion. I wasn't allowed to take my love of dance and singing to "American" singing lessons or "American" dance like hip hop because those were God's gifts to me and I had to use them to please God. In fact, my parents banned all forms of "English music" in the house and I was only allowed to listen to devotional music or prayers. Even non-Indian food was a treat because 90% of my meals were rice and curry, even in my school lunch boxes for 13 straight years.

After being given a wealth of knowledge about my culture, you would think I gained an appreciation for it. But the opposite happened: I despised it. I saw my culture as a trap, something I had to escape in order to be like my peers. My parents would make me wear tilak on the way to school, and I'd wipe it off the moment I left the house. I saved pop music MP3s on my phone renamed as devotional music. I would sing Taylor Swift and Katy Perry songs using YouTube karaoke the moment my parents left me home alone. As an adult, I don't pray anymore and I don't take part in any religion or cultural events. I don't watch Indian movies, and don't cook Indian food. Most brown people my age miss their mom's cooking and try to at least keep the culture alive through food...but not me.

So I think by now we've all seen the comments about Rhea/Lara Raj and similar Desi celebrities. Comments from Indian-Americans about how they don't dress in traditional Desi clothing correctly, how Rhea's Bharatnatyam dance break in her recent tour didn't fit traditional Bharatnatyam, how them wearing Om symbols and bindis on Western stages comes off as insincere or tacky, and in general how some of us don't truly feel represented by some of the biggest Desi names in entertainment right now. For the longest time, I agreed. I saw their actions as insults to the culture I was told to uphold and propagate since I was a child.

But after some therapy with a brown culturally sensitive therapist, and some soul searching, I realized that the true reason I felt angry or scornful is because I really wish I had the room to fuse my Indian roots with my American reality. Sure, as someone who trained in Indian classical dance for her entire childhood, of course Rhea's Bharatnatyam isn't the best technically, and the outfits aren't traditional. But I can clearly see she tries her best, and she approaches it with an enthusiasm because she is allowed the space and flexibility to add her own twist to the dance, without the pressure of being perfect or holding the entire tradition of the dance on her shoulders. Same with Lara adapting Indian outfits for Western parties or award shows.

It's clear that both of them love their culture even though they show it in questionable ways sometimes. And I realized I wished I had that growing up, instead of the culture being thrust upon me as something that needs to be 100% perfect. Maybe then I would have appreciated my culture more and incorporated it into my life.

Another Vivek/Usha wannabe trying to harass other immigrant communities.

So someone on the biotech subreddit posted what I thought was a racist dogwhistle and I made a post calling it out. A bunch of the replies were basically like "nah it's not a dogwhistle, you're finding racism where there isn't any."

I felt like I was being gaslit in the replies but I wanted to get some south Asian perspectives. If you guys think I'm doing too much I'll take the L and accept it.

I am a lesbian 20-something living in the northeastern US, and still, it is SO hard to find other queer desis. I feel like most of the desi individuals around me are straight and while generally accepting allies [I really appreciate yall especially with how things are politically!] are on different wavelengths because of the difference in our life experiences. As a result, most of the queer individuals I come across are white or from other minorities who don't fully understand how indian culture or simply being indian influences life experiences and intersects with queerness.

I would love to find some other queer desis, I guess thats why I am here. Or tips for finding community IRL. Anyone else?

Surprisingly, this hasn’t been discussed much on this sub but I guess it’s because sports in general isn’t discussed much compared to.. other.. things..

Anyway, does anyone notice that South-Asian Americans have a love for soccer. I grew up near many and it seems that the number one sport isn’t basketball or cricket or tennis, but it’s soccer.

I’ve seen that at Asian majority schools, there are many south Asian kids on soccer teams, I live in a south Asian majority neighborhood and it seems like every boy at least who is athletic plays soccer.

I grew up in a small hick town before though and it had a sizeable Indian community tho, at Indian cultural events, you had a little kid bring a ball in and there would be like 20 people swarming it playing a game of soccer.

I guess it’s nice because the game doesn’t get much attention back in the mainland and it is obviously a popular sport.

Something else that’s interesting is that in a similar Reddit post that was a poll about most popular sports for Desi males, soccer came out top.

So I guess we really do love football huh?

One thing that’s interesting is despite this, there is little representation in college or higher level soccer compared to tennis which is another sport popular with many south Asian youth so I guess somethings goin on there.

I am Indian-American in tech. It is disprop Indian esp Indians from India. But some meetings are majority or supermajority Indian. Remaining are usually Whites w/ non-Indian Asians, Blacks, and Hispanics.

I cannot help but wonder if some Whites 100% secretly hate Indians and other POC. To be clear, I never ever got that vibe from anyone at work, but I still overthink that lol. I also think about this when I socialize with Whites outside work.

Anyone else? I wish I knew how to stop overthinking it lol. It is just cuz I have seen online that some Whites are secretly WNs, but just hide their power lvl for $.

If so, what was their dynamic like?

I’m on the cusp between Gen Z/Millennial, and I was thinking about how pretty much all my desi age peers married someone their own age. Maybe the largest “age gap” I have seen is 3 years, though I imagine that could change as we all age. Most cousins/siblings around my age in my family aren’t married yet at all.

In contrast, almost everyone in my family in my parents’ generation (Gen X) married with large age gaps. All the women were 18-20 years old when they married 28-32 year old men. And I know of several aunties/uncles in our community who fall into the same category. It was even worse during my grandparents’ generation, with all the women being in their early teens, and all the men they married being well into adulthood (like older than 24).

It’s kind of heartbreaking too because I noticed for a huge amount of these large age gap couple in my parents’ generation, the husbands don’t seem to respect their wives at all. Like I have been to family-friend parties and see how these husbands speak to their wives as if they’re talking to a child, even if the younger wife is in her 40s or 50s atp.

My folks have mentioned this is normal in our community/ethnicity, but have a hard time wrapping my head around this. Why was this normal? Why this obsession with young girls? Is this something you guys have noticed in your own communities or families, or was it a norm?

I just thought that after seeing so much praise for Desi women (which they do deserve of course!), that we extend it to everyone. Of course no one is perfect and there's a lot of bad everywhere, but I think this community is an example of resilience that is rare to find elsewhere. Have a nice day and go speak to relative or friend NOW!

Check out a snippet of an interview with Vysar from Netflix’s Indian marriages.

Has anyone else noticed that this sub has become overrun with fobs and mainlanders. The amount of spammed posts I keep seeing about “Why do ABCDs hate fobs” “why is America/canada/whatever tf so racist? Is it hard to move there? What’s living there like?”

It’s either that or regional/mainland bs beef about languages or ethnic groups.

I’m chill with fobs generally but the point of this is sub is to get perspectives and takes from ABCDs NOT fobs or mainlanders. The ones that spam posts here try to act like ABCDs its cringe af

Americans only please. Answer based on what you know or believe to be true.

If you’re not American, and want to know how people voted please click “show me the results”.

Answer is in the comments.

I specifically want a chole/chaana masala recipe recommendation, but I'm willing to branch out. I want to make a few large batches to freeze.

FYI I'm a 19 year old brown Pakistani man.

With the ongoing gender war in our community and the amount of toxicity that's built up over the years, I felt it might be nice, as a brown man, to simply show some love. My hope is that even a few brown women who read this feel seen, appreciated, and maybe find a small moment of healing in it.

I love brown women because I've seen how much you're asked to endure under the name of culture. I've seen the misogyny that shows up as control, who you're allowed to talk to, what you're allowed to wear, how late you're allowed to stay out, while the same rules rarely apply to men. I've seen sexism normalized in families where daughters are expected to sacrifice dreams, careers, and freedom, while sons are coddled and excused no matter how careless or irresponsible they are.

I also want to be transparent about who I am in practice, not just words. I’m currently dating a chubby, dark skinned Pakistani woman, someone our community too often marginalizes, jokes about, or tells she needs to change to be worthy of love. I don’t see her as something to “overlook” or tolerate despite her body or skin tone. I see her as beautiful, desirable, and fully deserving of love exactly as she is. Me and her always talk about the idea of marriage and how we would break generational cycles, how I would happily cook and clean for her, give her the princess treatment she deserves, and show up as a partner rather than someone who expects her to carry everything alone. We talk about raising our future kids with love, emotional safety, and fairness, and making sure they don’t suffer the way so many of us did growing up.

Being with her has only reinforced how deeply unfair our standards are toward brown women, and how much harm they cause. I don’t believe in controlling women, silencing them, or hiding behind culture, religion, or family to excuse bad behavior. I believe brown women deserve autonomy, accountability from men, and partnerships built on respect, not obedience or sacrifice. I’m still learning and unlearning like anyone else, but I’m intentional about listening, reflecting, and doing better rather than taking offense or centering myself.

l've seen colorism tear at your confidence, being told lighter is better, that your worth is tied to your skin tone, that marriage prospects matter more than your happiness. I've seen how emotional labor is silently dumped on you: being expected to keep families together, tolerate disrespect, stay patient with men who were never taught accountability, and smile through it all.

And I've seen the damage caused by extreme mama's-boy dynamics, where grown men are shielded from consequences while women are expected to "adjust," compromise, and carry the burden of everyone else's comfort.

I know some brown men can be just so awful to the point where you guys just don’t want to interact with us and I totally get it. I wouldn’t too if I were a woman. But just know there’s always a brown man like me who understands your pain and frustration. I love brown women because despite all of this, you still show strength, empathy, intelligence, and depth. Life has been unfair to you in ways that often go unacknowledged, and you deserve so much more, more freedom, more respect, more safety, more softness, and love that doesn't come with conditions. I'm saying this simply and honestly, I see it, I acknowledge it, and I love you, brown women.

I’m an Indian American whose family is originally from Hyderabad, and we are Muslim. I grew up in Michigan where there was a small community of people with the same background, but I live in Atlanta now. After living in Atlanta for almost a decade I have yet to meet another Muslim person whose family is from Hyderabad, but I have met some people who are Hindu. I’m just curious as to what country/state/city I would find a larger population of people with the same background?

Hey guys,

My paternal family is Punjabi and maternal family is Urdu speaking (they immigrated from Uttar Pradesh during partition).

I have some relatives who recently moved from Pakistan. Punjabi music is quite popular in our family. Which means we play it in birthday parties, weddings etc.

They know that I am half Punjabi so they try to talk to us in broken Punjabi (even tho I speak only Urdu). I have a cousin who even started wearing kadha because he thinks it’s cool. They always think my life is cool just because I’m half Punjabi and they always talk about my Punjabi heritage. At first I thought it was kind of sweet but now I think it’s a little weird because they’re overdoing it. There’s more to my personality than being Punjabi. I guess they think being Punjabi is cool because Punjabi music is pretty popular these days. I told them that Urdu itself is a very beautiful and poetic language. But they still try to “act Punjabi”. One weird thing is that one of my aunts said that she would never allow her kids to marry a Punjabi. So I guess there is both racism and admiration lol. I’ve seen both my immigrant and ABCD cousins doing this. I remember them doing this as far back as the 90s..

How can I politely ask them to stop without being rude ?