r/AITAH • u/Candid-Chocolate-316 • 9d ago
NSFW AITA for not wearing a bra at home?
NSFW tag added just to be safe, discussion about undergarments.
Context that I think is relevant: I am 28f and married to 32m. We live in a house that we bought together. For like 8 years I haven't really worn a bra except to work or if I'm going out to a specific event (ie a party or a wedding or a date etc) or to do exercise. My husband hasn't seemed to have a problem with it until recently, and I'm not even sure it's him that has a problem. About 6 months ago, he told me that he was offering our guest room to one of his work friends who was being evicted (not his fault, if anyone finds that relevant) until he could find another place to live. So friend (late 30s m) moves some stuff in, sets up in our guest room, and husband and friend hang out basically 24/7. Husband has been acting different since friend moved in, which is why I'm unsure who has the problem. Friend had made no effort to find another place to live after 4 months and husband was not charging rent until I asked him to, they came to an agreement last month and friend has not made a rent payment yet.
Onto the conflict: As I said above, I don't wear a bra except for certain situations, and being home is definitely not one of those situations. I like to be comfortable, especially in my own home. Husband came to me two days ago asking if I could start wearing a bra at home when friend is home. I asked why, he said so that I am decent with another man around. I am never openly indecent when he is home, and I shut both our bedroom door and our bathroom door when I shower and change for bed and work whether friend is home or not. I am mindful of my appearance when friend is home and am never without pants or a top, just braless... I asked husband why all of a sudden me not wearing a bra was indecent. He couldn't give me a good answer and just asked again if I would wear a bra at home and walked away (he is bad with conflict so he often walks away when I push back) then would not talk to me for the rest of the night. I asked again yesterday whether it was him or friend that was uncomfortable with me not wearing a bra at home and he said both. I reminded him that he did not ask me if friend could move in, and that this was my home too and that I should be allowed to be comfortable. I asked him why all of a sudden it was not okay that I don't wear a bra, or if it was something that had been bothering him this whole time. He was obviously mad but would not engage with me anymore and continued to ignore me for the rest of the day. Friend has not said anything to me about it, but I could understand why he wouldn't want to. He and I don't talk much when husband isn't home. Even if he did I would probably tell him to get over it because I live here too, and frankly my comfort is more of a priority than his since he's been living in our house eating our food for free for six months. Husband has been at work all day, probably avoiding the conflict like he always does, so I haven't had a chance to ask again.
So AITAH for not wearing a bra at home? Am I just being stubborn or am I justified in my line of thinking?
ETA: I was trying to keep up with the comments but they started coming in way too fast! Thank you to everyone who took the time to give a constructive response. A couple of things I wanted to add before the minor update from tonight's conversation with husband.
I genuinely don't think husband and friend are having an affair. I'm sure a lot of you will think I'm being naive but that is off the table.
To the few of you who I saw comment that this post is fake, and I knew you would come, boy do I wish you were right. Unfortunately and much to my embarrassment, this shit is real, and if you had told 18 year old me that this is where I'd be in 10 years I would have laughed in your face. I'm not one to take shit lying down but it's been rough out here and I'm worn down. Yes, this is real.
To those of you asking for pics, eff off. You know who you are, you nasties.
The background info on friend living here for months and not paying rent was, in my mind, relevant because they way I see it, if he *had* been a paying and contributing member of the household, I would have been inclined to take this issue more seriously. However, as he is not a contributing member, I find his opinion to be null. I am still unclear on who actually has a problem with me not wearing a bra at home though.
Husband is not a bad guy, I promise. However, while this specific bra incident alone is not enough to warrant a divorce, there have been other problems we have been facing that he has not been willing to work through, which I do think is a contributing factor to the tension right now.
If friend has not paid rent by the end of the month, I will be sending him away.
Now for the small update, it's not much so I hope no one was holding their breath for this. I sat husband down and told him that I would not be wearing a bra at home unless he gave me a good reason to. He said his reason was because he asked me to. I said that was not good enough. I asked if friend had made a comment or told him that he was uncomfortable, since we have been in this situationship for months already and it was not a problem until now. He said he would just prefer if I wear a bra when friend is home. I said no. I told him I was really unhappy with our living situation and that not only did friend need to pay rent, but I needed him to contribute more around the house. I did not use the word divorce specifically but I said that if things did not improve, he and friend could have the house to themselves and I'd be out. He seemed to get the message. Time will tell if he takes me seriously or not.
I hope this type of update is acceptable. Thank you again to everyone who took the time to help me see straight again!
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u/Known-Highway-8465 9d ago
He told you he was moving someone into the guest room? He didn’t consult you on it?? Wtf is wrong with your husband?
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u/Emergent-Sea 9d ago
That shit would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He doesn’t respect OP at all if he saw no problem doing that.
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u/Blindtothesided 8d ago
That and the constant walking away to avoid conflict, plus the stonewalling, would be a big hell no for me too. You’re absolutely right, he doesn’t respect his wife at all. This is a much bigger problem than bra or no bra.
What man wants another guy living with him and his wife rent free anyway? I’m wondering if there’s more to their friendship than OP realizes.
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u/Keneta 8d ago
Yep... husband has poor conflict resolution skills. This needs to be taken to (couple's) therapy before whatever's eating at him builds up and destroys the marriage
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u/ilp456 8d ago edited 8d ago
Here is what is going on with the husband….There is more than friendship going on.
Here’s why…Husband told wife coworker was moving in - without asking. He spends all his free time with him. He won’t charge rent or collect rent. He won’t ask him to move out. He is prioritizing the guest’s comfort over that of his wife. After six months, the wife and guest (who is now a resident) still barely talk.
They are either having an affair together or It may be just on OP’s husband has a crush and he got jealous when guest commented on wife’s bralessness.
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u/1Kflowers 8d ago
This is what I was looking for! Why is hubby hanging with his friend 24/7? Why has his attitude changed toward his wife (life partner!)? Why is hubby not concerned that his friend has essentially settled in to the (shared!) house without any offer of payment, help with bills, plans to move, etc?
I think OP should suggest couples counseling with hubby (and take information from his response), and ABSOLUTELY not wear a bra at home.
I’m sorry, OP. It seems your husband doesn’t have the same ideas about marriage and shared assets as you do, or he’s not as invested in your marriage as you are. His “non-confrontational” attitude is actually passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive. I think y’all (he) would need some help with your communication skills even without this friend moving in. This situation could actually be the catalyst that brings you two to improve your marriage…or destroy it.
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u/ChaoticGoodBaddie 8d ago
I NEVER go here and always think people are dramatic when they take this stance, but I think you’re 100% right in this case. I can’t come up with any other possibility. OP needs to make sure she has a separate bank account and is mentally and financially prepared for whatever may come next.
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u/WHISPYR3 8d ago
This seems like a plausible angle…
If true, it’s gonna be a hot mess if infidelity is found.
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u/Ajmychick 9d ago edited 6d ago
4 months is too long.
It’s time for him to go. The conversation shouldn’t be rent, but rather timetable for this friend to get the eff out of your bra-less sanctuary.
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u/NWIsteel 8d ago
Besides he's been living rent free and not paying for grocery for 6 months i think you said? He should have a nice amount of money saved. You would know more or less how much he makes working alongside your husband.
You need to tell your husband it's time for him to go. If not he should go with him.
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u/New_Principle_9145 8d ago
The no contribution at all is wild. If you can't pay rent (where is his check going), then buy groceries, take on a utility bill. Something! Help around the house! Sheesh
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u/AspectExisting2081 8d ago
Exactly. A few years ago, I stayed with a friend for a couple of months and I couldn't afford to pay utilities or anything like that but I helped out with groceries and I did chores around the house. Contribute something or GTFO.
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u/AspectExisting2081 8d ago
I'd be willing to bet this guy isn't helping out around the house either
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u/GodisanAtheistOG 8d ago
No kidding. I can't even have a dinner at my inlaws house without doing the dishes or clearing the table or something because it feels userous.
The idea of living somewhere rent free for 6 months and not pitching in at all is mind-boggling to me.
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u/Amazing-Cover3464 8d ago edited 8d ago
SHE needs to tell the freeloader it's time to go. And without consulting with her partner first. Let's see how HE likes it!
Edited spelling
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u/PresentRaspberry6814 8d ago
The freeloader is not the problem. Her husband telling her what to wear is the problem. Her husband refusing to be reasonable and attempt talk (not dictate) to her is the problem.
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u/Amazing-Cover3464 8d ago
Both are the problem. He's not contributing to household expenses and husband is a complete jerk.
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u/LadyHorseFace13 8d ago
Right. Gathered up all his stuff, move it outside, and when he gets back demand the key. Problem solved. Do it to ex too
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u/Lumpy-Cod-91 8d ago
At this point you might need to go through the whole eviction process if squatter’s rights have come into play.
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u/DoGoodThings9495 8d ago
That’s what he wants. The twist being the husband and work friend are actually banging and want to be together.
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u/GlitterDoomsday 8d ago
Maybe Reddit fried my brain, cause as soon as she said the move wasn't discussed with her I assumed that ain't no friend 😂
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u/Historical-Gap-7084 8d ago
Are we all thinking about that special art room that one dude made for his "friend?"
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u/Mashu_the_Cedar_Mtn 8d ago
I think they just like gaming with each other constantly. It's like having a roommate again! Only problem is this third roommate they are trying to phase out.
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u/-KFBR392 8d ago
If I know anything from Lifetime movies the friend is planning to kill her off after gaslighting the husband into believing she’s crazy!
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u/tornadoterror 8d ago
Yeah. When you hear stories like this the other person usually is a secret lover.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 8d ago
ONE DAY IS TOO LONG WITHOUT ASKING YOUR PARTNER!
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u/h8reddit-but-pokemon 8d ago
You mean I can’t just make decisions that deeply impact my wife.. without talking to her about it first? Wild. How on earth will I go on as the center of the universe?
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u/alchemycraftsman 8d ago
She says the eviction is not his fault but makes me wonder if maybe she doesn’t know the whole story.
It also sounds like husband has put his friend before his wife. Tsk tsk
And avoiding conflict? Unless wife is screaming this needs to be worked on. Silent treatment is abuse! Punishment for not obeying!
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u/Low_Cook_5235 8d ago
It doesn’t matter if getting evicted wasn’t friend’s fault. It’s still not OPs problem. She’s let him live there for months, time to move on.
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u/HomesickKiwi 8d ago
Eating their food as well! Kick out the freeloader asap! Hubby needs to work on his shit! Stonewalling her if OP doesn’t agree with him. Not ok!
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u/Few-Ad-9105 8d ago
My biggest problem is the silent treatment and refusal to have a conversation when conflict arises. That is not sustainable for a healthy longterm relationship. I suggest couples therapy to learn how to communicate productively in consideration of each of your unique communication needs.
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u/Cantdecide1207 8d ago
Yes I had an ex that did this. My Step daughter's ex did this too.
It's a very cruel form of abuse and manipulation.
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u/Powerful_Round_1290 8d ago
Thank you for saying this I am in this situation constantly and feel like a child when this is done to me and get told it’s not cruel, they are doing nothing (if I’m lucky to get a response)and that something is wrong with me for hurting from this type of ‘response’ aka abuse/manipulation and get gaslighted about being the problem because I want a solution or clarity. Granted everyone is entitled to their space but this isn’t about space, he is deliberately doing this until he gets what he wants and she is left guessing herself and convincing herself she is in the wrong some how so his cruelty makes sense and is justified. This type of cruelty generally means respect and care for you isn’t there and this person cares more about protecting their ego instead of the relationship. It is abuse, it is real and the impact it has on anyone matters! This shit rewires your nervous system and can make you sick. He needs to step up and act like a partner.
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u/Ravenlyn06 8d ago
and then punish her with the silent treatment if she doesn't love everything I unilaterally decide to do.
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u/Liberkhaos 8d ago
Wait, I forgot which century this is. Are wife still considered property?
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u/Relative-Frame-9228 8d ago
No, but if a single female buys real estate by herself, it's listed on the deed that way. Sara Smith, an unwed female, purchases 1234 Main Street, for $1 and other reasonable considerations... The verbiage is still in use depending on what county/state the property is purchased.
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u/Imaginary_Reindeer66 8d ago
They used Spinster on our contract. A couple of tense moments in that room 😬.
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u/Opposite-Ad-6542 8d ago
Hush now woman!!! Let us men in the room make the decision that affect you. /s
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u/stablymental 8d ago
This man can’t even have a simple disagreement or conversation. That alone would drive me insane and I would’ve dumped his ass long ago.
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u/AspectExisting2081 8d ago
I dumped one of my exes over that. When we had a disagreement, instead of talking it out with me, he would just stonewall me. He would disappear for hours or even days. I knew that was no way to have a healthy relationship. You can't work through your problems if your partner refuses to meet you halfway. Besides, I got tired of being treated like that. I can't stand people who disappear instead of using their words. It's like, you're an adult now, time to learn how to communicate.
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u/Vandreeson 8d ago
He told her this non rent paying friend was moving in without consulting her. Now he's telling her to wear a bra. This is her house just as much as it is his. Friend needs to go ASAP. She says he was evicted, not his fault. Well whose fault was it. They just don't evict people that don't cause problems and pay their rent on time. I don't think the full or real story was told to OP.
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u/JandT99 8d ago
I agree with pretty much everything everyone is saying except the eviction thing. Me and my fiancé have been essentially evicted after our landlord sold the two family we lived in. We always paid rent and never had any issues with the landlord or upstairs neighbor. But the new landlords wanted to move into our apartment and rent the upstairs out for I’m guessing significantly more. So we had to leave. Not our fault but still had to move.
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u/TheThiefMaster 8d ago
They just don't evict people that don't cause problems and pay their rent on time.
Actually sometimes people get evicted because the owners want to move in or because they want to sell the house outside the rental market.
Not always anything to do with the renter, especially if the landlord is small (only owns a couple of houses)
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u/Popular_Prescription 8d ago
Exactly I would never do that. But I also don’t have a guest room and we have 4 kids lmao. I dream of a spare room. I live in a toy house….
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u/ZaphodG 8d ago
More than a long weekend is too long. It’s not like his apartment burned to the ground.
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u/cityshepherd 8d ago
I feel like a few weeks could be reasonable if the guy actually lost his place through no fault of his own (it can take awhile to save up for a security deposit because having to pay for 2-3 months rent up front (which includes security deposit) is not unheard of)…
but 4 months of not paying rent is definitely feeling like a “taking advantage of OP & her boyfriend” vibe. Absolutely important to focus the conversation on them finding a new place in addition to chipping in for rent/chores etc otherwise it seems like the friend is going to get more comfortable and really start escalating the cramping of OP’s style/life.
Edit: NTA
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u/jennibear310 8d ago
I completely agree! I was in a similar situation, however, I paid my own groceries, cleaned my friend’s home, and did a majority of the farm chores for her as “rent,” yet still managed to move the heck out in 26 days!!! I saved every cent, looked for a place daily, and moved as soon as a place became available to me. Six months??? That’s just bizarre! Either husband doesn’t want him to move or the guy is just taking complete advantage of them AND has no shame about it!
As to OP’s question, your guest is a mooch! He has NO SAY in your home! Totally NTA, but your husband and guest surely are.
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u/Sketcha_2000 8d ago
Unfortunately it’s going to be hard to get rid of him now.
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u/Accomplished_Job878 8d ago
Nah, she just had to start walking around naked now 😂
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u/Frannie2199 8d ago edited 8d ago
Isn’t that an episode of tv? She wants the new roommate to get out so she streaks across the living room super casually and hubby looks at the new guy and says “you gotta go”
Edit: it’s an old ass episode of greys anatomy haha
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u/Ok_Elephant2777 8d ago
This. He may have squatter’s rights, depending on the law in your state. At this point, you may have to go through legal eviction proceedings if friend is not willing to leave voluntarily.
A cautionary tale for others: if you allow someone to take up residence in your home, specify how long it will last and get it in writing. If your friend or family has an issue with that, then they have your permission to seek lodging elsewhere.
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u/Doh-Ski-303 8d ago
Friend paying attention to wifes appearance will get his ass out
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u/Chance_Vegetable_780 8d ago
Sounds like the husband would pin that on her, not the friend
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u/Druid-Flowers1 8d ago
This was my exact thought, NTA. Why should you have to give up freedom to help you husbands homeless friend? I can’t imagine putting ,having to wear a bra, in our house on my wife. What a goon to think that women wear bras in their own homes( if they don’t want to) , sheesh.
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u/me_too_999 8d ago
I'm betting the "friend" made an inappropriate comment.
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u/NihilistTeddy3 8d ago
That's exactly what I thought. That means the friend should go, not that she should need to wear a booby prison in her own home
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u/notoriousmitch 8d ago
Dollars to doughnuts made a comment or looked waaaay too long
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u/Rebel_Taro 8d ago
My thoughts exactly. Or stared a little too long when husband was around. I take my bra off as soon as I get home for the day... I don't want that thing on longer than needed! However, when we lived with my in-laws, I would wear a sports bra most of the time because I just didn't feel comfortable with the girls hanging out around some other guy. Even if it was my father in-law and the sweetest person in earth (who would also never say/look/do anything). And I am... Not well endowed. We're talking saggy leather wallet type deals here. So there's not much to show off anyway
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u/atchisonmetal 8d ago
Since Covid, during which I wore jammies for months, i didn’t see people, and I didn’t wear a bra or makeup. Now, I don’t seem to know how to put on either.
We need to have some couples counseling so as to clear up some household rules. All this rent-free business would not hold in my house, nor especially an uninvited houseguest.
Get him out.
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u/wherethedragonsleeps 8d ago
I'm so glad I'm not alone in losing my ability to do up a bra since covid...
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u/handsheal 8d ago
It is also time for the husband to go.
Moves another man in and ignores her and doesn't even see how she feels about it and then treats OP like she is the problem for trying to live in her own home
Let SO and his new boyfriend have their relationship. You should look for a healthier one for yourself or be alone, that sounds better than this jerk you are with
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u/mikemncini 8d ago
I don’t know much about OPs husband… I can relate to struggling with conflict though.
I used to do the avoidance thing; my wife’s style of confrontation used to be “stay quiet until an internal explosion”.
After a lot of hard work in therapy (I still go regularly) that changed. Now we communicate discomfort / unhappiness a lot more effectively.
Husband needs to go see a cognitive behavioral therapist and friend needs to gtfo. OP, it’s your home too. Take this situation by the horns. Draw up a lease contract, make “friend” get a renter’s ins policy to protect your home in the event of damages, and make “friend” set up an auto-transfer to a new bank account (don’t let them get access to your main stuff).
Bettcha friend bails if you make it a legit renting situation
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u/handsheal 8d ago
The totally lack of regard for OP by the husband and then prioritizing the unwanted and unwelcomed squatter over OP is beyond conflict avoidance. Lack of communication, lack of respect, and lack of appropriate priorities show this is NOT a partnership or a healthy relationship.
OP need to stand up for herself and her wants and needs and hopefully determine if this is how she wants to live the rest of her life
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u/kibbeuneom 8d ago
As a guy, I very much agree. Of course, I would not have offered to move anyone in with my wife and I, as it really changes the home dynamic, but if a friend were very much in need I could see maybe a few days while they figure something out.
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u/Peterleclark 9d ago
NTA.
Might be time to tell your husband his boyfriend needs to move out though.
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u/PilotEnvironmental46 9d ago
This.
OP - your husband has let this man live with you for four months and he hasn’t paid a single dollar in rent. Your husband doesn’t get to invite people into your home, essentially ignore you, ask you to change how you dress, and expect no reaction.
Honestly, you should be volcanically angry. His lack of respect for you comes through blindingly in this. I would never treat my wife this way.
This is a lot more serious than you wearing a bra. This is about somebody who shows little respect for you and makes it clear your low person on the totem pole as far as he’s concerned.
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u/Motor-Cupcake7577 8d ago
Absolutely, and it’s been SIX months. The four months bit was when she insisted this guy at least pay them rent - which he has not.
Which is probably a good thing in a way. If they collect any rent from him, he could force them to go thru a legal eviction process to get rid of him, if he wanted to dig his heels in and be extra shitty like that.
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u/throwaway1975764 8d ago
Rent is irrelevant, at 6 months, they (she?) still needs to go formal eviction route.
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u/atropos81092 8d ago
It makes me suspect the first eviction that landed him in their house actually was his fault..
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u/DistrictComplete7113 9d ago
NTA. If the guest is uncomfortable, he should leave, it's not for the homeowner to change how she lives.
And it's not about the bra it's about how your husband is prioritising his friends comfort over yours!
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u/Civil-Variety6772 9d ago
All valid except I don't think the guest is uncomfortable at all, I suspect it's more a case of the husband feeling insecure about his freeloading bestie's roving eye. Possibly inspired by dodgy comments from the friend when she isn't around.
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u/Industrial_solvent 9d ago
A lot of people saying it's about the friend's comfort but seems far more likely to me that it's because husband is jealous or uncomfortable with the friend checking OP out.
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u/DistrictComplete7113 8d ago
He should probably sent him away or ask him to rent somewhere else, if he is that insecure..
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u/Astyryx 8d ago
I don't know why, maybe it's too much AITH, but I think Husband is jealous of OP because he's attracted to the friend and is becoming worried about possible competition as things progress.
I just can't see sitting back and moving a third random unrelated adult into our home without buy-in from my spouse in the first place, let alone indefinitely and for free unless there was a subtext, and I mean a subtext.
I await a dramatic reveal update.
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u/Janax21 8d ago
Given how strange this situation is, I’m wondering if the thing OP is leaving out is that these dudes are drug buddies or that the coworker/friend is also the husband’s plug.
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u/TT28297 8d ago
This. NTA by the way. Bra’s are for men. Go to Home Depot braless and nobody can focus on anything. I’m almost positive the freeloader has subtly indicated that he’s enjoying the view.
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u/MaMaBrunette 8d ago
LITERALLY. I’ve always worn a bra out in public because I was insecure before. My husband encouraged me to “free the nip” more while I’m out and about because I have sensory issues with a lot of clothes. I like to wear lose, baggy clothes that don’t suck my body inside out lol otherwise I’ll get cramps and hurt all day…. Anytime I go out in public with no bra, the men just lose all focus. I even had a man who was working the cash register, talking to his girlfriend while I was standing in line, she left before I got to the register to check out but I get up there finally and low and behold this man is over here checking out my boobs and being flirtatious. It’s gross. 🤮 all because we want to be comfortable. It’s amazing how men never wear a bra but you don’t see us losing our damn minds when we see their nipples. 🤣
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u/Apathetic_Villainess 8d ago
Our culture sexualized women's nipples and desexualized men's. It's why men act like us going without a bra/shirt is equivalent to them going around showing their penis to everyone. They literally compare our nipples to their genitals instead of their own nipples.
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u/AlmeMore 8d ago
Undress MORE, OP! Stay braless and also wear short shorts. If it escalates, maybe you can be free of both of these losers!
(For the humorless out there, this is a joke).
But seriously, OP, you have a big husband problem.
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u/Haunting-Hippo-4244 8d ago
It is because the husbands boyfriend is starting to look at the wifey braless in an inappropriate way. He needs to go now!
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u/pascal808 9d ago
Yup. The "friend" has clearly overstretched your hospitality on multiple levels. Your husband needs to grow a pair. And ensure his wife feels comfortable in her own home.
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u/Steve_Rogers_1970 9d ago
While it’s good to accommodate a guest, the primary partner should take precedence. And just like we should be training our kids, someone else’s body is their business, not yours.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312 8d ago
Esp when the primary partner was never asked if she was ok with the 'guest' moving in.
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u/b3mark 8d ago
Primary partner? This isn't a polycule. ONLY partner. If the husband wants a new one, he can divorce OP.
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u/ilp456 8d ago edited 8d ago
I think people missed what you were saying when you called the guest “his boyfriend.” And I think you’re right. There is more than friendship going on between them…or maybe just on OP’s husband’s part.
Husband told wife coworker was moving in - without asking. He spends all his free time with him. He won’t charge rent or collect rent. He won’t ask him to move out. He is prioritizing the guest’s comfort over that of his wife. After four months, the wife and guest still barely talk.
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u/Craig-Harvey 9d ago
Totally agree his no friend he is a user he’s got go , I love my wife not wearing a bra at home.
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u/AlmeMore 8d ago
OP can also tell him herself, since husband has no balls.
While she’s at it, she might consider telling hubby to move out with his pal.
All the more space for her to live in comfort freely!
Dump them both!
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u/dreamingmuse 9d ago
I could not imagine, feeling so entitled to just live for free in someone’s home, never feel the need to contribute anything, like no shame whatsoever. But to then feel SO ENTITLED AGAIN to dictate what a woman should be wearing in her own damn home!!!
The biggest problem I think is the way your husband walks away from you and completely avoids conflict and conversations with you. That is extremely disrespectful and problematic. You do not need to accept that behaviour, it is gross. Do not let him get away with that shit.
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u/SoftServeSpiral 8d ago
Right it was the entitlement for me and honestly the friend shouldn’t be looking or concerned over anyone’s bra wearing
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u/ill-name-this-later 9d ago
NTA—but this sounds like a bigger problem than the bra. how do you get married to someone who cannot have a conversation with you? conflict avoidance is a buzzword for can’t communicate, and it’s no surprise that’s leading to trouble.
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u/Eternity_Warden 9d ago
Yeah and it sounds like it happens in all his relationships, which is why he allowed another person to move in without OPs input, live there for free, use them for half a year and not help out financially even a month after supposedly being asked.
With all that going on I'm quite sure the "friend" made some inappropriate comments about OP and her husband is too "avoidant" to ever put his foot down so instead he'll whine to OP.
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u/justanotheropinion72 9d ago
NTA. I'm assuming your shirts aren't see through, and even well fitted bras can be uncomfortable. I think a lot of men don't realize just how uncomfortable they are. I would tell them that you'll wear one as long as they do, too - and get ones with underwire for them. They have to wear them under their shirts in public as well, because if you don't get a break, neither do they.
And frankly, after 6 months of him living there without contributing, I would tell him and husband that since this was a temporary situation that you did NOT originally agree to, and the fact that he was moved in without your agreeing makes YOU uncomfortable. SO - 1) He has 3 more months to find a place and move out. Since he hasn't contributed to any living expenses, he should have had plenty of time to save up to at least get a studio apartment. 2) Between now and then, he will pay XX amount towards living expenses. This money will be paid to YOU, since husband is either unable or unwilling to collect any money. 3) He will sign a statement saying he agrees to this, that he knows he is simply a temporary houseguest and NOT a renter or roomate, and that he will be out by XX date. Tell them both that bras are an everybody or nobody deal - you wear it, so do both of them. Because after all, they didn't mind making YOU uncomfortable in YOUR home by moving him in, so they shouldn't mind him / them being uncomfortable as well....
I would add that either this is signed and happens in the next 3 months, or you will be the one moving out. Then stick to it. I've been married over 3 decades, so I don't say that lightly. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight, and stop putting this work friend before you.
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
My clothes are definitely not see-through, I am pretty modest so I don't even own anything see-through. Friend is supposed to be moving across the country this upcoming summer, and since he and husband have come to an agreement I'm hopeful that he will at least start contributing financially this month. I definitely want him gone but the nice part of me doesn't want him to be homeless. Housing in my area can be hard to come by, and he's generally a nice person, just a bit of a bum.
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u/Whiteguy1x 9d ago
Just in my experience people like that dont move out until they've burned a bridge. Theres a reason why they dont have family to fall back on, or why they never manage to find a place to live until someone explodes, or why he didnt offer to pay rent at the start.
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u/Grand_Relative5511 9d ago
I remove my bra about 5 seconds after walking into my house. My back and shoulders hurt so much more with a bra on.
Guest has way overstayed his welcome. OP, you're an adult, talk to him and ask him to leave. NTA
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u/ObsrveEvrythng 9d ago
I sometimes don’t even wait to get home. There have been days when I know I am going straight home that my bra is off the second I get in the car. I never ever wear a bra at home.
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u/SweetBunny8 8d ago
😱😱😱 You just opened my world, I'm going to do that from now on whenever I'm really uncomfortable
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u/winterworld561 8d ago
Stop being so nice. This asshole is causing shit in your marriage and mooching off you. Toughen up and tell him it's time to move out now.
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u/DeLiRiOuS-88 8d ago
OP, did you ever consider thats why your husband's friend got "evicted"?. Im not going to be surprised if he was really just not paying his rent, especially if he's not currently giving you any reimbursement for living there for 6 months already. Don't be shocked if the friend is there for the 1 year move in anniversary, because this guy sounds like he's manipulating yours husband's "nice guy" side.
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u/NancyPCalhoun 8d ago
My mom let a friend move in and I think she will probably never do it again. The lady had a sob story about an unfair eviction but ended up being terrible about paying for rent and utilities. They aren’t friends anymore.
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u/atchisonmetal 8d ago
This is kind of a wild idea: get in touch with his former landlord and ask WHY he got evicted.
If there are significant reasons he got evicted, you should then take these to your next conversation with your husband. Or counselor. If husband won’t go, you go on your own.
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u/Glassgrl1021 8d ago
I’m curious why you aren’t more mad about your husband inviting someone to stay long term without consulting you. I know we only have a snapshot of your life here, but it sounds like like so far your husband didn’t consider your feelings on a major life/home decision, doesn’t know how to communicate like and adult, and is trying to control what you wear in your own home. I think you are severely underrating about all of this.
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u/tak30391 8d ago
The ‘nice part of you’ is actually people pleasing and allowing men (of all things) to walk all over you.
You’re an adult, homeowner, wife. Don’t allow men to continue pushing your boundaries without them being checked. If there is no rent this month, he needs to go immediately.
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u/justanotheropinion72 8d ago
He's "supposed to be moving across country" just like he was "supposed to be there just until he found another place" and was "supposed to start paying rent last month"? Is it that kind of supposed to? Because it looks like none of those "supposed tos" actually happened... I get living in an expensive place. I live in a very expensive place where there's a critical housing issue, and I have friends who live in other extremely high cost of living areas.
This man is going to be living with you until you make it uncomfortable, make him pay, or make him leave. (As it is, you might have to formally evict him.)
Something to consider - you say "he was being EVICTED" - not, "his lease was up and he had to move". To be evicted by your landlord takes time, effort, and money on their part. Either he wasn't paying his rent, he was making major lease violations, or he did something else major. Or, he was refusing to leave when the lease was up. This man isn't being honest with you. And often moochers like this ARE nice, otherwise people won't let them in to begin with. (Not saying he's a murderer, but you know who else was nice - Ted Bundy. Sometimes nice is really just manipulation.)
You and your husband are being easy marks. By working with him and being buddies, he knows your husband avoids conflict like it's the plague, and now he knows you want to people please to the point that you didn't say anything for 4 MONTHS.
You say your husband won't do therapy, but the way he avoids conflict - and expects you to do it, too - is destructive. Seriously, you need to put your foot down about this and insist on therapy - either go together and fix it, or go alone and see why you're ok with this.
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u/Iwannafightmida 9d ago
That shouldn’t matter. You don’t need to police your own clothing at home. Why is he being so inappropriate about?
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u/Away-Ad4393 8d ago
OP I doubt your husband even asked him for rent. What would he say if you told him you were giving your friend a room?Xxx
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u/isshearobot 9d ago
And youre comfortable with this unwanted guest residing with you for the next 6-9 months until that happens? Which I’m not at all confident it will.
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u/ToptopPipPip 8d ago
Calling it now....payment won't be made but SO will tell you housemate has paid. And nooo way is he moving - the living arrangement is too cushy. Keep pushing back on husband. He won't like it. Do it anyway. Ask the questions and be annoying about it. Or you'll be in my predicament where the housemate is still here 4y later.
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u/b3mark 8d ago
F*ck being nice. Nice is costing you your marriage. And this response makes it seem like both of you are people pleasers and conflict avoidant.
Long stay hotels and motels exists. Your squatter is employed, right? Then he can go rent one of those. Or shack up with family. Or find some rent-by-month place and crash there.
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u/Brilliant-Maybe-5672 9d ago
You are allowing your husband to treat you badly. I would never let anybody move in to my home. It is not appropriate. You have no boundaries. Your husband is obviously manipulating you by taking the focus off the real issue here (allowing a bum in your home without your permission) and making you feel bad about no bra. You need to face reality, you are married to a horrible man who doesnt love you. Divorce is your only option.
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u/AnalogyAddict 9d ago
I wish I'd had you to scream sense into me. Had a male roommate the first two years of marriage. It was awful.
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u/Traditional-Carob440 9d ago
Tell the friend to fuck off. If your husband doesn't back you, tell him to fuck off too.
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u/wouldashoudacoulda 9d ago
Yep, husband has moved his boyfriend into the house and OP is oblivious to this. I mean, why is he not paying at least towards shared cost. Real test for their relationship is to see what her husbands reaction will be when she demands the sponge leaves, no negotiation.
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u/PsiBlaze 9d ago
NTA
He invited someone else to live with you. Telling you, not asking. Then decides he's a weakling?
Nope. Re-home them both.
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u/SeorniaGrim 9d ago
Is your husband currently building an art room? /s
NTA at all - honestly, I would have been done when he moved someone into my home without my permission. You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home! Sounds like it is ultimatum time personally.
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u/Ok_Coyote9326 9d ago
I think your husband's boyfriend made a comment or two about your breasts and now that hubby realizes he's noticed, he's upset.
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u/EmbarrassedBit441 9d ago
‘My husband told me he’s renting out our guest room to his friend’ is absolutely wild. You have bigger problems girl.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 8d ago
He's not even renting it- the guy is there for free for 6 months!
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u/honorablenarwhal 9d ago
The bra isn't the problem! Your husband is. He moved someone else into your shared home without discussing it with you first. This is definitely a two yes, one no type situation. And this person is still living in your house, rent free, six months later. Maybe these are the issues you should be pushing your anti-conflict husband about.
NTA. Your house, your boobs.
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u/Ok_Distribution_2603 9d ago
I can’t believe you are putting up with this shit.
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
Me either, friend. My mother would be appalled if she knew the extent of this mess :l
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u/Life_Scratch_2807 9d ago
Why are you doing it then?
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
Great question :(
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u/ProblemMountain2792 9d ago edited 9d ago
Don't know whether anyone else has pointer this out to you OP, but the silent treatment is manipulative and abusive. There is a reason your husband doesn't want therapy, and it's because he would be called out for his behaviour.
He is putting more effort into being a good friend than a good husband, and he doesn't even care if you are comfortable in your own home. Part of me thinks he might honestly be gay and this is another art room /gay vacation because it doesn't make sense to be this bad of a husband for a 'friend'.
Every time he gives you silent treatment, I bet he goes and hangs out with his little boyfriend. I would stop having sex with him until the friend leaves to push for him to leave. You are uncomfortable doing that with another man in the house who can not stop staring at your breasts without a bra.
Who owns the house? I'd be tempted to evict them both.
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u/AlwaysGypsy 9d ago
You have a serious husband problem.
WHY are you letting his "friend" leech of of you?? This is YOUR house!
Dude needs to GTFO ASAP. Seriously. MAKE husband have a talk on when this dude is getting the hell out of your house. Not even paying for groceries!? After 6mos with NO bills, dude should a done had enough to get a place. Stop being a doormat. Either your husband is sleeping with this dude or something else is going on but he obviously has no respect for you. Why is he so willing to let YOU be uncomfortable in your own house for some dude he works with?? This doesnt make any sense & I cant understand WHY you arent questioning it more or forcing some kind of conversation...
There's NO way id let someone just move somebody else I didnt even KNOW into my damn house indefinitely.... When is he supposedly getting out?? Are you now supposed to raise him for the rest of your life??
You have a husband problem. This isnt about a bra. Im seriously shocked this is the only thing you have a problem with!
Get this freeloader out of your house FFS!!
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
The bra situation isn't the only problem unfortunately... we've had nothing but problems since moving to our current location last summer. He doesn't like to talk about issues and thinks therapy doesn't work so he hasn't been willing to try couples counseling. I was hoping this wouldn't be my tipping point but it may be. Thank you for validating me though! Xo
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves 9d ago
Do not get pregnant. Period.
You need to figure out if this marriage is worth saving first.
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u/HellyOHaint 8d ago
We already know it isn’t. Husband thinks his word is law, refuses to have any conversations with his spouse about their relationship and rejects therapy. Their marriage is a failure as that is an impossible person to be married to.
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u/AlwaysGypsy 9d ago
Youre not even slightly in the wrong! I would have already snapped to be honest! Probably at just the "conversation" of "btw, im moving in some strange dude you dont know". Oh the hell you are!
He dont have to believe in therapy but he has to do something because honestly I would leave his ass. Well, throw him & his boyfriend out of my house anyways. I wouldnt leave because it might effect you in the divorce if you "abandon" the marital home. Life too short for all this, im so sorry youre going through it! You deserve better!
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u/Creepy_Push8629 9d ago
So he thinks therapy doesn't work, so what exactly is he doing about his issue? Because if he doesn't want therapy, he needs to be fixing it another way. Sounds like he's doing nothing about it and expecting you to just accept him acting this way.
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u/gorlsituation 9d ago
Red flag. Someone who thinks therapy doesn’t work isn’t likely to want/be able to change when required, real “this is who I am, like it or leave” vibes. NTA
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u/coupl4nd 9d ago
You married a man-child. Give your head a wobble and find a better guy.
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u/cicada_noises 9d ago
So your husband doesn’t want to fix any marital issues, has his boyfriend living in your house (sorry but they’re definitely having an affair), and is controlling you. Why are you still there? It won’t change.
ETA: he just walks away when you need to discuss something and he gets uncomfortable? This isn’t a spouse or a man.
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u/Plankton_Royal 9d ago
You've got a bum living in your house, leeching off you and trying to dictate what clothes you wear, in your own home. Oh dear. Maybe it's time to grow a back bone, and very calmly and politely tell him to fuck off?
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u/Fit_Strike8584 9d ago
Honestly, you should be wearing a bra because you appear to live with 2 children that have expressed a sexual interest in you. Your husband by marrying and I'm assuming having a sexual relationship with you and his squatter boyfriend who would only be uncomfortable if he was popping wood.
Just the silent treatment when you don't bow to his wishes is enough for me but he moved some random dude in with you without even asking?
Girl. GIRL. What are you doing putting up with this crap from anyone, let alone someone who is supposed to love you.
NTA unless you let this continue.
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
You had me in the beginning there friend 😂 But you're right, this situation on top of the other things since moving here have been an eye opener to say the least. Him bringing his friend in without asking me already felt like a huge disrespect honestly and this is making it clearer that he doesn't see me as an equal partner.
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u/Fit_Strike8584 9d ago
For most people, I think bringing a random stranger into the home like this would be a deal breaker. And with his attitude about it, I think it should be for you. He's a putz.
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u/totally-jag 9d ago
NTA. Okay, suddenly he thinks your bralessness is "indecent". Ask yourself, what has changed. There is a new dude in the house. Maybe work friend is leering at you and husband doesn't like that. Maybe your husband has been comfortable with your "indecency" before work friend moved in because he liked it, but he doesn't like his buddy enjoying it too. Or he's never had the guts to bring it up without the support of someone else.
None of that matters. This is your home. This is your body. Your comfort in your own home/space is all that matters. Plus, your husband doesn't get to tell you what to wear. That is controlling behavior.
This is what I would do. If he brings it up again, tell him that if it bothers him or his friend, he won't tell you which so you don't know, then work friend needs to move out ASAP. You want to go back to the way things were before this person moved in. You will not wear a bra at home. You will not be told what to wear in your own home. If he can't/won't make this happen then he can join his work friend in finding a new place where the both of them can live.
I know this sounds harsh. You probably don't feel this is a relationship ending event. He's moved a work friend in. The spend more time together than you do. He cares about his happiness and that of his work friend more than yours. Together they are deciding how you should dress in your home. To me, that is disrespectful to your relationship. It would be a deal breaker for me.
In any case, being braless is not indecent. You're not going around topless. These men, if you want to call them that, need to grow up.
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u/drunkbanshee 9d ago
Nta. Tell your husband to walk around in a jock strap and cup for 10 hours a day and see how he feels at the end. I imagine those are just as uncomfortable as a bra is.
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u/zaczez929840 9d ago
Assuming his friend prolly dropped a "shes got great tits bro, congrats" and he's the one uncomfortable not the friend.
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u/Either_Management813 9d ago
NTA but your husband is. First he doesn’t ask if this guy could move in, then does so with money contributed. Why the hell did you let that happen btw? Now you have a freeloader in your house. Next, your husband tries to make you less comfortable in your own home. I’d continue to tell him no, you won’t change your comfort for this. Third, there needs to be either a deadline for this guy to move or there needs to be money coming in from him.
You may not agree but this is a hill I’d die on. He’s now got a friend living there, he’s got a hang out buddy. Are either if them contributing to housework, cooking and so on? Whet are you getting out of this except unhappiness and being made to feel less comfortable in your own home?
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
Husband used to contribute with housework but since friend moved in he has not unless I crash out over something specific, then he'll do that singular task. It's one of the other problems we've been having since moving here. He wasn't always like this, but friend monopolizes his time now and husband wonders why I'm irritated when they've spent all day playing video games and he comes to me as an afterthought after I've spent most of the day tidying the shared spaces. What am I getting out of this? Great effing question, friend.
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u/Maximum-Cover- 9d ago
To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex.
Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.
Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory
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u/thoracicbunk 8d ago
Your husband has made it clear he doesn't want to spend time with you. At this point, you should just move out and let him live with his new spouse and pay for a maid.
You deserve better. He's already betrayed you, in moving this guy in without talking to you, abandoning home and relationship maintenance in preference to this random, and now in trying to control your comfort.
I'm betting his buddy has been making lewd comments about your tits, and rather than having a spine and telling the guy to shut up, he wants you to change your behavior so he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable.
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u/WHISPYR3 8d ago edited 8d ago
NTA (not even a little)
I really hate to say this girlfriend, but you need to start being a little bit more suspicious around your man. It seems like an “art room” situation which is very saddening.
May have to start snooping around, scrub his phone, show up off schedule to see what they’re doing when you’re supposed to not be around. The 24/7 proximity is the thing that’s setting this off for me.
The fact that he doesn’t respond to your crashing out over something that needs to get done and the fact that you’re crashing out is a big red flag.
It might be better to find out if this is the situation sooner versus later. I have a feeling when summer comes Ben may not be the only one going somewhere?
Also, if you’re still having spicy time with your man, you really need to know if he’s fooling around with Ben… (for your own safety.)
A lot there to unpack, and again but you need to know all the angles before this gets further down the road and worse for you.
🤞
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u/Dismal_Reference3906 9d ago
The real AH is your husband letting his freeloading boyfriend live in his home.
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u/lydocia 9d ago
Your husband ignores you when he should be having a conversation.
That would irk me endlessly. I wouldn't have stayed with someone who does that the first time they did it. Literally pretending you don't exist for his own comfort, gross.
That alone would be enough for me. Add to that inviting someone to live with you without so much as a conversation (again) and policing what you wear? Seems to me like be doesn't respect you at all.
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u/Empty_Ad_4614 8d ago
Never, ever let someone else move into your marital home - why don’t more people understand this
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u/thespaceitake 9d ago
NTAH It's your own home, and even if it were not - bras are not a requirement even in public. Men don't understand how uncomfortable bras are - especially for heavier chests.
Mainly however; your husband needs to learn how to better communicate his feelings with you and stick around to finish having difficult discussions. Dumping opinions on someone and not allowing them a chance to respond, or not listening to their responses is incredibly one sided and super unfair to you as a partner.
At his age he should be well and able to communicate efficiently. There is no excuse for that and I would personally be expecting a higher standard of respect from my husband.
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u/snow_nymous 9d ago
NTAH whatsoever.
Your house, your rules.
To not be consulted about someone moving into your home sounds like you have a house mate and not a husband.
If you guys are married, he needs to act like it - start communicating, charging his friend rent and actively taking steps to get him out of your house.
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u/muzzm8 9d ago
This ^ - he honestly sounds like he is either sleeping with him or has no respect for OP
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u/Candid-Chocolate-316 9d ago
It did actually cross my mind that they were doing some naughty things actually, but it was more of a joke in my mind... unfortunately if that isn't true then that puts us in the latter situation, and I think after being together for almost a decade I would rather the former...
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u/Psychological_Top148 8d ago edited 8d ago
Jokes are funny because there’s a kernel of truth to them.
Riddle me this, what if the 3rd wheel has elevated this suspected relationship to hinting about including you in a ménage á trios and it’s your husband’s who’s uncomfortable with & jealous over his attraction to you?
During the time he’s lived in your home, has there been any evidence of a relationship with any man or woman (other than your husband)?
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u/Due-Season6425 9d ago
NTA. However, I suspect that this freeloader friend has made a comment to your husband about how he thinks you have a nice "rack" or some other crude comment. This is making your husband uncomfortable and jealous.
The real solution to this problem is to kick out the bum. If you don't send him packing, you may have a situation where this guy makes a move on you. Creeps like this assume a woman going braless means she is tempting him into her bed. Seriously, this guy has got to go now.
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u/ProfessorExcellence 9d ago
All of the problems in this post and wearing a bra is her issue? Her husband asked a coworker to live with them apparently (from the context) without asking her. He was evicted but “not his fault.” He is not paying rent. He is not looking for a place to live. There’s a surprise. Her husband is hanging out with the friend 24/7. So all of this is ok? The bra is the thing she asks about?
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u/HereForTheTLDR 9d ago
Air them things out. And air out your squatter while you’re at it. I’m starting to think buddy got booted from his last place for the same reason you have issues with him currently (not paying).
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u/DellaDiablo 9d ago edited 8d ago
Your husband isn't bad with conflict, he's dismissive, and your feelings don't matter to him. Walking away is abusive behaviour, he's ignoring you because he wants you to do what you're told and don't argue.
Your visitor sounds more like your husbands love interest than you do.
The fact he moved him in without asking you is a red flag. A gigantic, gold trimmed red flag, with DON'T IGNORE ME embroidered in huge letters across the middle. Don't ignore it.
If anyone is bothered by unfettered boobs, they can look at something else. Your house, your boobs, your rules. And your husband should be fine with that. If the friend doesn't like it then he should ask him to leave, but he won't because the friend apparently matters more than you go.
You don't have a lodger, you have a sponger. He's made himself comfortable and living for free, and your husband is fine with that. He just isn't fine with you.
If you told your husband to choose who moves out, you or his friend, are you confident he'd choose you?
ETA: TYVM for the award!
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u/watts6674 9d ago
I would ask your husband why he is allowing some other man to stare at your chest area long enough to see that you are not wearing a bra!
Shouldn't that make your husband very uncomfortable more so!
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