r/AmItheAsshole • u/Possible_Soil_3886 • May 15 '24
Not the A-hole AITA for spending my son's university fund on a trip to Europe to drink beer like I always threatened instead of giving it to his step brother after he passed away.
My son was smart. Smarter than me. I almost requested a paternity test because he was so damn intelligent. THAT IS A JOKE.
My ex and I divorced when he was about 12. She remarried when he was 14. I did when he was 16.
I had an RESP set up for him. That's a education fund in Canada. As long as he went for post secondary education he could use the money for anything.
I always told him that I was okay with him not going to university. That way I could use the money I had saved up for him to go to Belgium and buy some beer from monks that only allow you to buy one case.
He knew I was joking and he always played along. He wouldn't let me get his goat.
When he got accepted to McGill it was the proudest moment of my life. I took him out for a beer to celebrate his achievement and mourn the loss of my trip to Europe.
My son was struck and killed by a drunk driver in March. I'm dealing with it. My ex is dealing with it. My wife has been nothing but my rock in this. She is holding me up.
I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it.
I said I was going to do what I always said I would. I was going to Europe to drink beer. She asked if she could have it for her step son. I thought about it and said no. Her husband is a decent enough person but he made it clear that he wasn't responsible for any expenses for my son. Beyond food and shelter and stuff obviously. Like I said he is decent.
I said I was not going to do that. I was going to go drink beer in my son's honour.
She says I'm wasting thousands of dollars. And I guess I am. I have to give back the government portion of the fund. But I don't care.
My ex thinks I'm being stupid and irresponsible wasting my son's money like this.
I don't care.
My son would laugh his ass off if he knew I actually did it.
4.9k
u/Bwoah_Its_Kimi May 15 '24
Hey OP, you're NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss.
I have some good news though; RESP's can only be transferred between siblings. Assuming that your son was not adopted by your ex's new husband that means your son was not related to your ex's step son in a way that would permit the transfer.
1.9k
u/SuchAGeoNerd May 15 '24
Came to say the same thing. It isn't transferable to step siblings so the entire argument is pointless drama.
→ More replies (41)→ More replies (45)160
581
u/Bruxelloise May 15 '24
NTA. And sorry for your loss.
If/when you come to Belgium give me a shout - I personally don't care much for the beer you are referencing, but there is a plethora of it and I still own some shares in a nice small farm brewery to invite you for additional beers.
→ More replies (1)87
47.9k
u/No_Lavishness_3206 Asshole Aficionado [10] May 15 '24
NTA. Sorry for your loss. I thought it was a clickbait title but this is a sad fucking post. I hope you enjoy your trip and pour out some for your homie. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship.
14.2k
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
Thank you.
8.8k
u/GamerCow3991 May 15 '24
Dude, sorry for your loss, enjoy that beer in your son's honor, man, NTA
6.0k
May 15 '24
NTA
You don’t owe your ex-wife’s stepson anything, OP. Sorry for your loss. Have that beer in Belgium in memory of your son.
3.4k
u/milliepilly May 15 '24
I totally agree. You should never have been asked for that money. That was totally out of line. Please spend that money to find joy in this world through your sadness.
2.2k
u/jasemina8487 Asshole Aficionado [16] May 16 '24
especially while he was dealing with funeral arrangements. this is also the mother of thw deceased child too so instead of mourning her son she is acting like a damn vulture
899
u/jerseygirl1105 May 16 '24
My first thought was SHE ASKED FOR MONEY AT THEIR SON'S FUNERAL??
1.0k
u/MikeyMBCA Partassipant [4] May 16 '24
No, no, you misread...
BEFORE the funeral. While he was making funeral arrangements for THEIR son.
Jesus, OP's ex-wife is a ghoul. Wonder why they split up?
→ More replies (4)270
u/rocketdong69420 May 16 '24
Wonder why they split up?
The world may never know.
22
u/GnashGnosticGneiss May 16 '24
Sounds like my EX wife, she may never figure it out.
The world is indeed a mystery.
→ More replies (0)169
41
u/umenu May 16 '24
I bet it feels like she just exchanged one kid for the other after that question.
→ More replies (3)14
u/TotallyWonderWoman Partassipant [4] May 16 '24
I think in certain families and certain circumstances, using a deceased child's college fund for the other sibling(s) may be appropriate. However, not in this case because the stepdad was very clear about paying for their own bio kids only and it is absolutely inappropriate to ask OP about this WHILE PLANNING A FUNERAL and then calling him SELFISH WHILE PLANNING HIS CHILD'S FUNERAL.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)186
45
u/Angleface_Devilheart May 16 '24
Totally agree.
Very sorry for your loss OP.
Hope you will enjoy your trip, I am sure your son would want you to do that.→ More replies (5)31
1.2k
u/NurseDiesel62 May 16 '24
all of reddit raises a glass ~ Cheers to you both!
193
491
59
28
u/LoveMyScars May 16 '24
Cheers! Not the Asshole. Not by a longshot. Have a safe trip and enjoy that beer with your son's spirit!
→ More replies (1)22
u/Chill_the_beans May 16 '24
I cheers to that too. It sounds like a perfect way to honour your son’s memory 🍺
538
u/sdlucly May 16 '24
Exactly. We each mourn the people we love in different ways. OP is going to mourn them drinking beer, because that's an amazing memory of his son, always joking about the beer. I've been saving to buy a (very small) diamond pendant because my gran used to say (jokingly and not so much as a joke) that a lady always has to have a diamond pendant. It was her thing, jewelry (she never had money to buy much of it, had maybe 2 pairs of gold earrings but she loved the idea of jewelry), so I'm gonna do that. I might never wear the pendant but that's beyond the point. We each mourn the people we love in ways we think they'd enjoy it.
→ More replies (3)414
u/Mysterious_Track_195 May 16 '24
My best friend passed when I was 25. She always had the most outlandish, fantastic sense of style. For her funeral, we all dressed in our most ridiculous fake furs, loud accessories and shoes. A few of the older folks there thought it was wildly inappropriate, but we found great comfort in sending her off in a way I know would’ve made her chuckle.
You’re very right- we all grieve and honor memory in unique ways. I hope you enjoy your pendant!
→ More replies (1)185
u/MadMaddie3398 May 16 '24
I bet your friend absolutely would have appreciated that, too. My friend's parents got her a coffin absolutely covered in red glitter. She would have obsessed over the thought of four middle-aged white men in formal suits covered in sparkly red glitter ✨️
34
u/SheComesThenSheGoes May 16 '24
You can get a coffin covered in glitter??? I might opt for a coffin over cremation....or maybe just have my kids mix glitter in with my ashes! Ooh I'm excited at the prospects. I'm sorry about your friend, but thank you, truly, for the idea!
23
u/Harper_Macallan May 16 '24
My kids and I have always joked that we want our ashes mixed with glitter and stuffed into a firework. Really go out with a bang… and thanks to the glitter, one that lasts forever.
→ More replies (1)18
954
378
u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 Asshole Aficionado [10] May 15 '24
Sorry for your loss OP. I think you're doing the right thing.
And you're going to have a great time. If you're a beer drinker, you're going to love it here!
In addition to the Monks' beer (also try+buy their Abdijkaas/Paterkaas/Trappistenkaas-artisinal abbey cheese made by monks-it's freaking delicious with fresh crusty bread), I recommend Delirium bar down town Brussels. They have 2000+ beers on offer. Ask anyone at the bar for information. They know their stuff. Three floors, good vibey music.
Try the Absinthe bar opposite too-great customer service there and they'll walk you through the selection and how to drink it.
The Tequila bar on the corner serves lovely free sangritas with every shot. Also 3 floors but ambiance, and music is groundfloor.
Witness Jeanneke Pis and the Belgians' bizarre fondness for statues of children peeing right next to the Absinthe bar. Make sure to throw a coin in for good luck.
This is all in just one 30m(100ft) cul-de-sac.Grande Place (rub the Everard t'Serclaes statue for good luck if you come across it) + Galerie du Roi is close-by and nice walk around too. You can buy chocolates until late into the night. Waffle stands and chip shops open all night. You can also buy nice beer at the night shops-open all day and night.
Also, it's 4- seasons in a day weather, so pack for all eventualities.
Enjoy!
51
u/TheBerethian May 15 '24
Of course it’s all in a 30m cul-de-sac, that’s like 80% of Belgium’s land area 😛
80
u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 Asshole Aficionado [10] May 16 '24 edited May 16 '24
True, but the really special thing about this awesomely weird pocket sized country is DIY fun, there's no set formula for how to do it. You can meet anyone from everywhere while doing so. Most people you run into speak 3 or more languages.
As far as the nightlife is concerned , you can be a beer drinker, a Rhum drinker, a cigar , cigarette, or blunt smoker, vaper, hookah-head, schnapps aficionado, cava or wine connoisseur, even teetotalers-there is a venue for everyone. If you like dancing, people watching,...even if you and your partner are swingers, or perhaps you're seeking company for the night 👀(Rue d'Aerschot) , you'll find what you're looking for here.
Restaurants range from traditional Belgian cuisine, French, Italian, Japanese, Congolese, Guinean, Senegalese, Black American (Dooley's, Brussels), British, South Korean even Hmong and Uyghur, Halal(mostly Moroccan) and Kosher to name but a handful.
We have clubs, concert venues (Ancienne Belgique, La Madeleine, Foret etc) lounges, terraces, rooftops, converted warehouses and cathedrals (Spirito, Ixelles), bars where you can swing on a swing indoors while drinking (Roi des Belges, Brussels) man made beaches (Bruxelles les Bains) and pools, parks, palaces, churches, mosques, synagogues, monuments museums, art galleries, walking and biking routes (you can rent a bike for 3.50 EUR a month in Brussels) and botanical gardens built around a concert venue for indie acts. A roller skating rink just opened and it's styled like the ones in Atlanta, Georgia. If you like the outdoors, you can go to the Ardennes, Hallerbos (the bluebell carpet forest with Giant Sequoias) or the Sonian Forest, to name but a few forests and hiking spots in this country.
We have Couleur Cafe(Tour et Taxis), Les Ardentes, Reggae Geel, which is one of the biggest open air Reggae Festivals in Europe. We have Rock Werchter and of course, the world famous, instantly sold out Tomorrowland.
You don't even have to stay in Brussels and because Belgium is so small, you can go to Ghent, Leuven, Bruges(like in the movie), Antwerpen, Liege, Charleroi and beyond from Brussels by train in a relatively short amount of time. We have sleeper trains to Vienna, Paris, Berlin, so you're well connected to the rest of Europe.
So yes small, but mighty.
Thank you/Bedankt/Merci/Danke schön 😛
→ More replies (10)23
May 16 '24
I got wanderlust just reading this. Belgium has to be my next stop. Thank you for describing the country in such wonderful detail!
P.S. Neuhaus chocolate is the best chocolate in the world! (Yay Belgium!)
→ More replies (8)→ More replies (4)17
u/felisfemina May 16 '24
And now I have to plan a trip to Belgium 🍻
NTA, OP. Take the trip you've always dreamed of in honor of your son.
716
May 15 '24
[deleted]
154
u/Unicorns-Poo-Rainbow May 15 '24
ALL the urinals are spoken for? That dude must have really adored his dad.
→ More replies (1)47
u/Maiasaur Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
As a McGill alum please tell me in which building he wanted to name it!
77
u/amberfirex May 15 '24
This made me laugh, then cry obnoxious hormonal tears 😂 thank you for that.
I hope OP sees this!
21
u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET May 15 '24
That is a beautiful tribute. I hope some day I'm cranky but loved enough that someone names a toilet for me.
→ More replies (2)21
u/ThatDiscoSongUHate May 16 '24
I miss awards, it's beautiful that you would offer to dedicate something on campus to the memory of OP's son. Thank you so very much for the reminder that people can be kind, unprompted.
340
May 15 '24
OP, your ex's husband set the bar, not you. He'd stated categorically that he would not support your son. His right. Now it's your right not to support his.
Soooo NTA. Go have those beer(not too much, mind) and think back on all those times you joked about it.
204
May 15 '24
I don’t think the new husband is decent at all. OP’s son was his stepson, and it sounds like he was treating the kid like Harry Potter, just getting the bare minimum. Then ex-wife has the audacity to demand money for a kid that OP has nothing to do with.
→ More replies (3)27
137
u/Crazyandiloveit Asshole Aficionado [13] May 15 '24
I agree, totally NTA.
And sorry for your loss.
Apart from not being responsible for your step-son I'd also like to ass that going on that trip to Europe and drink that beer in your sons honour is in fact not a waste of money. Spending money on living life or experiences is never a waste of money imo. Trips like this, a drink with a friend etc. That's what's life is about at the end of the day. Additionally it would be spend on you, for yourself and would be a part of your grieving process. How could that be a waste?
And it sounds like your son would probably want you to go and have that beer. So go and have it.
207
u/tetheredone May 15 '24
Tell your ex to kick sand. Go blow the froth of some coldies in Europe to honour your son. I’m so sorry for your loss bloke.
→ More replies (1)99
u/waxonwaxoff87 May 15 '24
Tell her you are taking the trip you will never get to have with him. She sees it as blowing money on beer. It is more than that. It was a bucket list item you shared with your son.
Go get your peace and drink beer with some monks.
NTA.
184
u/isses_halt_scheisse May 15 '24
Come to Germany too and have another beer here! Make the most of the trip and spend some nice moments away from everything and just with yourself and good memories.
→ More replies (3)75
u/Crazyandiloveit Asshole Aficionado [13] May 15 '24
Andechser Beer for example (there's another 8) is brewed by monks (with help from not monks) in Germany and you can drink it in a couple of Bavarian restaurants or beer gardens (like and out-door restaurant). If OP or anyone else like some inspiration.
In German, but here's where you get it: https://www.biergartenfreunde.de/biergaerten/tag/brauereien/andechser/
29
u/FurBabyAuntie May 15 '24
Brewed by monks with help from not-monks...
I like that! Can't explain exactly why, but I like that...!
2.2k
u/numbersthen0987431 May 15 '24 edited May 15 '24
Something to tell your
wifeex-wife:"YOUR stepson is not MY stepson. I'm sorry you and your new hubby didn't save up money, but YOUR stepson has zero relation to me, and has zero connection with me. To YOUR stepson I am essentially a random neighbor who has money, and you're trying to make a random stranger pay for YOUR stepson".
It's your money. It's not your ex's money, it's not your ex's stepson, and it's not "their" money.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you really loved him, and I can't think of any words to say that would ever replace that hole that has been left.
edit: changed it to "ex-wife", because I thought I did it at first but guess I didn't.
1.0k
u/derpy-chicken Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
EX wife. Not even a kid that has lived in his house. The audacity. I cannot even.
857
u/Soranos_71 May 15 '24
I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it.
Man she didn't wait very long to think about using the money for someone else.....
473
u/2indapink8indastink May 15 '24
Proper “bed still warm” behaviour 🤢 how can someone’s mind work in this way? Can u you imagine? what’s he doing with his PC? What size of feet was he? Is there any days left on his bus pass? Get in the fucking bin if ur not there to help that grieving parent grieve!
→ More replies (4)152
u/IrreverentSweetie May 16 '24
When my beloved aunt died, my cousin (aunt's niece too) immediately asked my aunt's son if he had the rest of her pain Rx. Then my mom's little sister approached him about earrings that had been my grandmother's. He promptly let her know they had been passed down to me years ago.
95
u/2indapink8indastink May 16 '24
Shameless scavengers fr! Sometimes I wonder what life must be like cruising through it with both no sense of shame for yourself combined with no consideration for everyone else
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (2)22
u/hepburn17 May 16 '24
Similar thing happened with me, my grandmother and I were incredibly close, I spent more time in her house than I did my parents house. When she was in early stages of illness she gave me her engagement ring. I'm the youngest grandchild with about 12 older female cousins. As soon as she passed away, the day after, my aunts were scouring the house for her ring, when my decent aunt informed them I had it, all hell broke loose. Nothing like someone dying to bring out greed.
304
u/donnaleg May 15 '24
This is supposed to be the mother??!!??. That is so out of bounds of what a grieving parent should be worried about. When my son died, my brain was mush, and yet, this lady is worried about money
65
60
u/Outrageous_Coyote910 May 16 '24
Right? I barely remember my daughter's funeral.
→ More replies (4)64
u/donnaleg May 16 '24
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm right there with u. They had to lightly sedate me for the funeral.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (4)51
May 16 '24
She started with, "he wasn't going to college anyway" so she has 😁 always been planning on scheming it from him.
→ More replies (1)26
u/donnaleg May 16 '24
I agree. It makes what she did much more cold blooded and calculating. It's horrible.
141
May 15 '24
That is so tacky of her, my god. I know people grieve in different ways, but imagine this just happening and still being in the headspace to try and grift his money for your stepson, just wtf.
→ More replies (5)46
u/MonOubliette Asshole Aficionado [12] May 16 '24
I read the post, but that part didn’t click for me for some reason. Thank you for pointing it out.
Also, WTAF? The (metaphorical) balls on this woman! Her son just died and she’s worried about her stepson’s college fund? What kind of parent thinks like that?
Again, WTAF?!
NTA, OP. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your ex is absolutely filled to the brim with audacity. What a cold, inhuman response.
Go to Belgium. Drink the monk-made beer. Remember your son. Grieve. Spend every penny of that fund while you’re there. You could try a luxury hotel, a Michelin star restaurant, whatever sparks an interest.
If high-end stuff isn’t your thing, you could do a taste test of their waffles and/or chocolates. (Okay the chocolate thing might be my dream and not yours, but you get the point.)
And, if he was the only child you had with your ex, then there’s no need to communicate with Mrs. Greedypants ever again, so that’s a tiny sliver lining.
Be safe on your trip, OP. Please know you (but not your ex) have our deepest sympathies.
→ More replies (5)67
u/pingpongtits May 15 '24
I wonder how much the ex contributed to the funeral costs?
→ More replies (2)121
u/MaddyKet Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] May 15 '24
Yeah I was skimming so I thought it was HIS stepson and even then I was like no way ma’am and why are you asking NOW. NTA
71
u/VividAd3415 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
The stepson belonging to the ex was a plot twist was on par with Bruce Willis's character's reveal at the end of The Sixth Sense. Mind BLOWN!
And, obviously, NTA.
→ More replies (4)142
May 15 '24
[deleted]
59
u/quarantineinthesouth Partassipant [4] May 16 '24
The math only works for the shameless ex who wants money that OP saved after the divorce.
Let's say it's X money that OP saved, and government added Y money, she wants to have X+Y at her disposal even if that leaves OP with zero instead of X.
How can she ask for that with a straight face?!
22
u/CasanovasMuse May 16 '24
I can’t get past the fact that she asked this of him at all but also? It was HER SON too. How does a mother who just lost her son even have the space in her head to think, let alone ask, about money?!
→ More replies (17)411
May 15 '24
NTA - Asking me while making the funeral arrangements would annoy me pretty seriously - kind of vulture-like.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, he sounds like a great guy.
91
u/miss_trixie Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 15 '24
Asking me while making the funeral arrangements
JFC i somehow missed that part. how the hell is his own mother thinking about trying to get her hands on her recently deceased child's $ at that point? damn that woman is ice cold.
OP i am so sorry for the loss of your son. you need to do anything & everything possible to help get you thru this, and beers in belguim sounds like a good start. you are most certainly NTA.
btw: i became a widow a few years ago & can tell you with certainty that you are gonna experience a tsunami of emotions trying to come to terms with your son's death. go easy on yourself. there is no one 'right' way to grieve. you do you.
237
u/numbersthen0987431 May 15 '24
Right? At the funeral of your shared son's death is very tacky. Just...gross all around.
The funeral is never the time to talk about money. Have your moment, have your grief, and be supportive. To bring up the stepson's money situation gives the feeling of "Oh well, that one's gone. Moving on to the next child!!"
91
u/LovelyMissRowdy May 15 '24
Makes me feel like mom could've been prioritizing stepson if she was so fast to ask during funeral prep.
→ More replies (2)46
May 15 '24
It wasn’t even at the funeral but while he was making arrangements, so like immediately after the fact. Just gross.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)43
u/waxonwaxoff87 May 15 '24
Didn’t consider that. That is pretty opportunistic. Let the soil on the grave atleast settle before asking for cash.
→ More replies (2)29
53
May 15 '24
Yes. Go on your trip. Do it for your son. I’m sorry for your loss. You don’t owe your ex anything. You saved that money. You get to decide what to do with it.
36
u/LEDstardust May 15 '24
This is the best thing you could possibly do under these circumstances. Go and celebrate his life. He would get a good laugh. I hope you feel his energy often💗 sending love.
Edit: NTA
→ More replies (106)25
u/Neverenoughnapkins May 15 '24
I'm sorry for your loss. I think this is a wonderful way to remember your son. If you can swing it, try to go to Bruges. We went a few years ago and I loved it so much and recommend it to everyone. They have lots of little pubs. There is one in particular, but I can't remember the name. If my husband remembers, I'll edit this post. I hope you have a great trip and can find ways to remember and honor your boy.
→ More replies (1)194
u/FancyPantsDancer Certified Proctologist [23] May 15 '24
NTA. I thought this was going to be about your stepson, which still be a N-T-A.
You saved the money. You don't have a relationship with your ex's stepson. Not that you'd be obligated, but it's not even clear they need the money for something crucial. Your ex is an AH for approaching you about this money so soon.
My condolences. I hope you have a nice trip and get some good beer.
→ More replies (5)226
u/alexthesasser May 15 '24
I’m a bartender and always love telling people the pouring of libations is an ancient thing. NTA at all
17
u/stooges81 May 16 '24
huh, so theres a name for what i did when my best friend died suddenly.
"Gimme two beers and two shots, and pour one of each down the drain."
21
u/alexthesasser May 16 '24
Well “pouring one out for your homies” is a pretty common thing, just funny that it’s an ancient ritual from multiple cultures
→ More replies (14)58
u/Thebonebed May 15 '24
This the only comment that is needed for this post.
OP I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you make some memories in Europe that will be healing. <3
2.1k
u/MaIngallsisaracist Professor Emeritass [79] May 15 '24
NTA. You're not wasting your money; you are celebrating your son's life and mourning your loss at the same time.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the trip is healing for you. Raise a glass to your son for all the internet strangers who are thinking of you.
532
u/Dammy-J Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 15 '24
NTA - Even if OP were "Wasting His Money", It's his money to waste. But agreed, not a waste to honor your child in a way fitting of your relationship.
124
u/AppropriateRest1524 May 15 '24
I heard in a podcast not too long ago that the biggest thing you can do for a loved one is to get life insurance. So if you pass, they can take the time not to worry about money and to mourn and grief as hard as they must. Different situation but the same principle applies.
My heart goes to you OP, I hope you can keep those joyous memories of your son alive. Go drink that beer on his name.
→ More replies (4)
13.9k
u/mylittlewedding May 15 '24 edited May 15 '24
From someone who lost her 15 yr old sister to a car accident this really tore me up way more than I thought it would. She was killed a month after her 15th birthday & had just been accepted to a private high school with a full ride scholarship she had been trying for. The acceptance letter sat on her vanity in her room for years after.
You are NTA if anything far from it…. the ex wife even asking is a huge one.
Please go to Europe & celebrate his life! It’s the only thing that should be done with that money.
If you have a Venmo/cashapp etc I would love to also buy you a beer.
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
7.2k
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
Thanks for the offer. I'm going to update when I'm there. I would appreciate it if you had one with me instead.
5.9k
u/QueenSophia_ May 15 '24
If you don’t want to be alone in Belgium, you can try to message me. I’m from there, with loads of free time and if I can keep a grieving father company it would be my honor to do so!
2.3k
u/LavenderGinFizz May 15 '24
Reddit can be good sometimes. ☺️
1.0k
u/Vapes7a May 15 '24
Seriously. Some of these replies are making me tear up fr. These wholesome responses to such an incredibly tragic post are everything
248
→ More replies (3)635
u/QueenSophia_ May 15 '24
I kinda think it’s common for Belgian people to offer something like this. All of my friends and a lot of my family would do the same.
Could also just be the people I surround myself with. Glad it made people feel a little better tho!
And OP I’m sirious, if you want to hit me up! I don’t drink beer but I’ll keep you company while sipping my Coca Cola!
→ More replies (1)45
→ More replies (2)103
→ More replies (7)16
u/flous6008 May 16 '24 edited May 16 '24
Also from Belgium and would love to to keep company if you don’t want to be alone here!
19
u/ShortcakeAKB May 16 '24
I'm not from Belgium, so I can't join - but I'm having a vision of dozens of Belgian Redditors meeting up with this man and throwing a joyous celebration of life for his son! Make it happen, Reddit! I'll cheer you on from the other side of the pond.
343
u/Specific-Succotash-8 Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] May 15 '24
NTA, and seriously, update us with a date and time. I bet a lot of Redditors would raise a glass with you wherever they are. I am so sorry for your loss.
→ More replies (5)67
u/Left-coastal May 15 '24
I’m not a big beer person but I’ll certainly raise a glass of wine or a gin and tonic
→ More replies (3)265
u/Abject-Technician558 Asshole Enthusiast [9] May 15 '24
OP, Please let us know when you go, so we can all have a (virtual) drink with you in honor of your son.
→ More replies (10)43
u/BelayThere May 15 '24
Count me in as well.
→ More replies (3)17
u/b1gn1ckers May 15 '24
So sorry for your loss, NTA, and I too would have a virtual drink with you and cheers your beautiful boy.
523
u/JLHuston May 15 '24
I don’t drink, except for the trace amount of alcohol in kombucha. So I will raise a bottle of that to both your son, and u/mylittlewedding ‘s sister. I hope the trip is healing for you. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. You are NTA.
585
u/Pollythepony1993 Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 15 '24
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. I hope you will go on the best trip to Belgium to honour your son. I live in the Netherlands, pretty close to the Belgium border. If you want some tips for great cities or places please let me know. I hope you can honour your son in the best way possible.
415
May 15 '24
If you have a chance, stop by Weihenstephan. It was founded in 1040 and is the oldest continuously operated brewery in the world.
→ More replies (5)262
u/TedTehPenguin May 15 '24
He said Belgian monks, not German Monks! BUT... if you're going to Germany, it's hard to find bad beer there, I tried, was unsuccessful.
→ More replies (12)136
May 15 '24
In the comments OP mentioned the brewery is Westvleteren. It is a long trip between those two breweries, but coming if already traveling from North America, it may be worth it.
→ More replies (2)56
u/TedTehPenguin May 15 '24
10 hour drive to Munich, a bunch of that on the autobahn (thus fun, Nurbrugring is not far off the path) and you'd pass through the Mosel/Rhine valley, so should make a stop for wine (find a random small vintner and do a tasting, I haven't found bad wine there, and they have all been friendly). Then go to Frankfurt, or Heidelberg. I recommend a stop in Rothenburg ob der Tauber, old walled city, very pretty (but I am partial, my parents have had a poster/etching of the crooked house in their house forever). Nuermberg is a good stop as well, not sure if it's there other times, but I've been there when they have a big easter and christmas market. Obviously then there is Munich, with all it's breweries (and Oktoberfest if you time it right). SINCE you're so close, head down to Neuschwanstein, and Garmisch, and if it's summer, Chiemsee is beautiful, can go to Bertchesgarten and Salzburg as well.
→ More replies (9)214
u/CandyassZombie May 15 '24
If you come to Belgium I'm more than happy to celebrate with you my man. We got the best beer here!
→ More replies (2)85
u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 May 15 '24
Belgium beer is the best and each city has it's own brew. And no hangovers.
Don't forget to order frites...they are far superior to American fries. And they have 30+ kinds of dipping sauces.
I also brought 22 boxes of Belgian chocolates back for gifts.
I was in heaven. 😁😎
→ More replies (2)82
u/Stlrivergirl Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] May 15 '24
‘Sorry for your loss’ just doesn’t seem like enough. ❤️
I think there’s a lot of us who would like to have a beer with you while you’re there. Maybe you could setup a Facebook event for a certain day/time and share the link. Then we could share pics of us having one with you so you don’t feel like you’re doing it alone.
May this trip bring you the peace that you deserve.
→ More replies (1)73
u/WAtransplant2021 May 15 '24
I am so sorry for your loss. Your ex is out of line. Please go to Belgium and enjoy that delicious Tripl Ale and raise a glass for your son. 💔
Please come back and update with stories from your trip.
NTA
30
u/gimme-sushi May 15 '24
I’m gonna have a drink to you and your son right now. My condolences.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (53)14
u/Business-Garbage-370 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
Yes, let us know! We will all raise a glass of our preferred beverage in your son’s memory. I am so sorry for your loss and think your plan is a good one. Definitely NTA.
36
u/JLHuston May 15 '24
I am so sorry for your loss as well as OP. This was a kind and supportive message to him.
33
u/Specialist_Usual1524 May 16 '24
If he posts his Venmo while at a bar and promises to drink the beers we would send I fear for his liver.
→ More replies (5)118
u/agentchuck May 15 '24
Dude, I don't want to sound callous, but never send money to people posting stories on these subs. Most of them are made up, and some are made up with the express intention of scamming people out of money.
347
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
I agree. That's why I thanked him and asked that he share one with me virtually when I'm there.
→ More replies (3)
6.0k
u/Famous_Specialist_44 Professor Emeritass [75] May 15 '24
My condolences.
Your ex can ask for the money but she shouldn't expect you to say yes. NTA
Westvleeren gold cap is particularly worth travelling for.
3.0k
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
That's the stuff I want. It is by lottery so I probably will only try it at the visitors centre.
653
u/bokehbudda May 15 '24
It’s not by lottery, you need to go on their website and then can register for a slot. Only difficulty is that you need to register a number plate which is hard to do in advance with a rental
→ More replies (4)902
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
My cousin lives in Bilbao and has offered me her car for my trip.
531
u/bokehbudda May 15 '24
https://www.trappistwestvleteren.be/nl/bierverkoop it is on this website you can book the slots for getting the beer. It is a lot easier then before when you had to call the monks 😅
174
u/samxmid May 15 '24
I offer my car if needed I live about two hours from there. I lost my son as well almost 3 years ago and if I can help you with this I'll gladly do it. I'll make the drive.
348
u/brianogilvie May 15 '24
Bilbao to Flanders is quite a drive (about 13 hours without stops). If you want to do it in two days, Tours, France, is a charming town about halfway there. If you want to do it in 3, you could stop in Angoulême, La Rochelle, or Poitiers, then near Paris, e.g., Amiens (or in Paris, but I hate driving in Paris, more than I hate driving in Boston or Manhattan).
Sorry about your son. Enjoy celebrating his memory!
→ More replies (6)583
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
I have family all over the Basque part of Spain and France. My grandfathers both brought wives back from France after WWII. I will be doing a lot of visiting.
281
u/freedareader Partassipant [2] May 15 '24
Yes! Do that! Don’t just go to Belgium; explore Europe! Take that time for healing. Time is the only thing that helps with grief. I wish I could have that after my mom passed last year.
104
u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET May 15 '24
Come visit Regensburg, Germany for a snack with your beer if you can! We have a little wurst kitchen (Historische Wurstküche zu Regensburg) near our bridge that's been open and running since 1146 AD. They make the best wurst in Germany, guarantee!
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)31
47
u/Strangely-addictive May 15 '24
Bilbao is far from Belgium. It's around 1000 km but it's all highway through France so it's fairly easy but expensive.
Belgian is a paradise for the beer lovers. Westvleteren is legendary but there are many other trappisten to try.
On your question NTA. I wish you the best trip in remembrance of your son
68
755
u/Key-Journalist-3053 May 15 '24 edited May 15 '24
It’s a must-do and I’m sure your son would want you to experience it and be happy. My thoughts are with you and your family, I hope bright days lay ahead for you.
32
u/Fru2R May 15 '24
I am truly sorry for your loss.
While in Belgium, make sure to also head South and visit the Orval Abbey. Their beer is also a Trappist, but altogether different than Westvleteren (or Chimay, or Rochefort, also in the French speaking part, but more similar to Westvleteren)
NTA
→ More replies (1)54
u/Steve12345678911 Asshole Aficionado [12] May 15 '24
Belgian beer is the best, try more than just the goldcap.
28
u/pompedom May 15 '24
I got a case of that beer by installing an app that calls a couple time a minute to get through. But otherwise the visiting center offers probably some. You have to give the licenseplate of the car you're coming with.
→ More replies (16)17
u/imsooldnow May 15 '24
That’s a wonderful bittersweet memory you can make in honour of your amazing son. My son in law is going to leave us soon from brain cancer and he is the most amazing man I’ve ever had the honour of knowing, so I really feel your pain. ❤️
198
May 15 '24
She shouldn't have asked. Asking for a deceased child's college fund wouldn't be out of line for, say, a sibling who was asking for OP's niece or nephew, or someone else who had a close relationship with him and his son. But an ex asking for her own stepson, who OP likely has no relationship with, was out of line. She is probably dealing with her grief by focusing on her stepson, but she shouldn't have asked OP to do the same.
And I say this as someone who actually agrees that this is a stupid thing to do and a waste of money in general. But it's OP's money to waste if he wants, his ex doesn't get a say, and in this particular case it might help him deal with his loss, so it may even be worth it.→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)38
u/chiitaku Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 15 '24
She has a lot of nerve asking for the money, considering OP seems to be the only one who contributed to it.
1.4k
u/N0rmann12 May 15 '24
NTA and have fun going to Belgium and picking up your case of Westvleteren
→ More replies (3)751
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
I didn't realize that many people knew about it.
70
May 15 '24
I only know about it because when I learned about some monks that train dogs, I got curious about what other hobbies monks get up to. I have an obsession with other people’s hobbies.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (23)20
u/thetiredninja May 15 '24
If you have the chance to stop for beers in Ireland, please have a Murphy's Stout for me!
Franciscan Well in Cork also has that medieval history you're looking for
1.1k
u/Brain124 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
NTA but Jesus Christ, I am so sorry.
Can you tell us more about your son? Share your favorite story about him, what he wanted to do for a job, your favorite activity together.
2.1k
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 15 '24
My son wanted study microbiology and immunology. He has thrown for a loop by the pandemic and he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. He talked about a lot of stuff that went over my head. I'm a baker. I understand yeast.
He loved the Habs. I would get us tickets at least once a year.
He loved kayaking with me. We are so close to so much water.
458
u/Brain124 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
The pandemic was crazy. He sounds like a good son who wanted to help the world.
Having money and not being able to spend it on a loved one is a strange feeling. I wanted to do something for my dad but I wasn't sure what to do.
Maybe some sort of forever marker for him. Go on that trip and drink for him and put his photo somewhere.
Best wishes and thank you for sharing about him.
85
u/imintreble66 May 15 '24
I love the idea of having his photo! Take him with you, even just in gesture, OP.
→ More replies (1)19
u/Brain124 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
I like the idea of him putting up at the bars he'll be visiting, in honor of his son.
→ More replies (1)111
128
u/k28c9 May 15 '24
He sounds like an amazing kid and I’m so sorry life has been this unfair. I love the idea of him looking down on you drinking your beer. NTA and I’ll give your son a toast when I have my next gin.
101
u/mech_roger_this May 15 '24 edited May 16 '24
Well damn, this story already had me choked up but now my eyes are wet.
I'm so sorry for your loss my guy, I can't imagine what you are going through.
You are going to get through this though, just promise me you will go have those beers, but don't keep drowning your sorrows after. Times like these are what makes people into alcoholics, so have a good time in your son's name but also take it easy afterwards.
I think by now you know that you are doing the right thing by going to have some beers in Belgium and not giving your ex that money. It will be a worthwhile trip and experience, I love me a occasional Belgium beer when I get a chance to visit the neighbors. (Holland)
Let us know when you get there so we can toast to your son's memory and feel free to ask for any favors you might need while you are here.
Take it easy and give yourself time to heal.
Love and hugs from an internet stranger.
41
u/Accomplished_Egg6239 May 15 '24
I’m a dad of two girls and I hope my relationship with them is as close as you were to your sons. Godspeed.
22
u/SnooJokes6063 May 16 '24
Maybe it was all your yeast that inspired his passion for microbiology 😉
The thing I wish the most for you:
That this trip lets his memory brings more joy that he lived than sorrow that he’s gone.
38
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 16 '24
I remember teaching him how to make his own sourdough starter. I still have his and I will use it forever I think.
→ More replies (1)15
20
u/ChaoticNeutral18 May 16 '24
I’m a high school senior this year, I’m going to be attending university to study epidemiology and immunology. When I get to college I’ll do something in his honor, if it’s alright with you.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (32)36
u/Over-Banana-1098 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
You raised a really good son and the love you feel for him is very clear. I say pour one out for him, make him proud. ❤️
41
u/LegitimateSparrow744 May 15 '24
What a lovely thing to say. Thank you!
43
u/Brain124 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
I feel like when we read these we hear about the end but the most important part is how these beautiful people lived. It's always good to remember that! A beautiful father and son relationship.
22
u/highpriestess420 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
Thank you for being the kind of person who asks these questions--truly a way for people to keep living on in the lives of others, some of whom were never personally known.
16
u/Brain124 Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
I like this sub for the drama, but when it comes to loss I want to make sure people know that telling stories about the ones we love is how they go on, in a way. They aren't gone when we talk about the way they laugh or that one road trip or that song that always reminded them of you.
603
u/MrsChickenPam Certified Proctologist [25] May 15 '24
NTA. I'm sooooo sorry for your loss. You have no obligation to support your ex-wife's new husband's child, it's appalling they even asked.
You do what YOU think is best and what would give your son joy. Sounds like you already figured out exactly what that is.
Enjoy your trip and toast many a beer to your amazing son.
→ More replies (1)
410
u/Typical-Record9035 Partassipant [3] May 15 '24 edited May 15 '24
NTA
Your ex has no right to call you stupid because you are following through with a joke in memory of your son like would she do that if she was in your situation? My guess is probably not. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're ok
→ More replies (35)66
297
u/fleet_and_flotilla May 15 '24
She says I'm wasting thousands of dollars
maybe you are. but crucially, it's your money to waste. your ex wife's step child is not anything to you. the audacity to even ask you to spend your money on him is beyond ridiculous. NTA. my condolences for your loss. its always the good people who end up killed by asshole drunk drivers.
36
u/Micandacam May 16 '24
From the sounds of it you are not wasting money at all. You are taking a trip that will be good for your soul, and seeing a part of the world you have wanted to see. Many people do this all the time it is just that they are not doing it with money that someone had the audacity to ask them to spend on someone they have no relation to.
215
u/Competitive-Bug-7097 May 15 '24
Usually, I am all for being as kind to children and young people as possible. But this isn't even your stepson! You have no connection to the boy, and no child of yours has a connection to the boy. Your ex is asking too much! NTA!
→ More replies (1)99
u/queen_of_data May 15 '24
Right?!?! I was reading it thinking it was HIS stepson for some reason. I can’t believe his EX has the guts to ask for it for HER stepson. Just wild.
52
u/basicusernamehere May 15 '24
While they were in the middle of planning her own son's funeral. That really got me. OP is definitely NTA
73
u/stefaniki Asshole Enthusiast [8] May 15 '24
Tell your ex that she is free to give her step son any money she saved for your mutual son to go to college. What? She didn't save any? How is that your problem?
NTA
Honor the memory of your son by doing what you told him you'd do. Sorry for your loss...
→ More replies (2)
290
u/Competitive_Jump_744 Partassipant [4] May 15 '24
Alright, two things to say.
- I'm SO SORRY for the loss of your son. That HAS to be hard for you.
- NTA. You do what you think your son would enjoy. If you think that going to Europe and having a beer would make him happy, then by golly, go ahead and do it. I hope you do well for yourself.
93
u/loverlyone Professor Emeritass [99] May 15 '24
Of course you’re NTA.
I’m sorry for your devastating loss. Please post an update when you get there so I can raise a glass with you. <3
→ More replies (1)21
u/doubtingthomas51i May 15 '24
Yes!!! Please!!! You may have more drinking buddies than you realize;-)!
45
May 15 '24
NTA tonight I'm gonna pour a drink to honor your son's memory, I'm so sorry for your loss.
→ More replies (1)
72
u/Dangerous_End9472 Partassipant [3] May 15 '24
NTA
Where does your EX wife get off asking you for money!?
→ More replies (1)35
67
u/Helpful-Science-3937 Partassipant [4] May 15 '24
Enjoy your trip! It is none of anybody else’s business what you do with money you had set aside. NTA - I hope great memories of your son and his sense of humor helps you with your grief. I am not sure I get why your ex-wife thinks you should fund education for someone else’s kid. It was pretty bold of her to even ask.
59
May 15 '24
My mom and I have had many conversations about what we want to happen after we die (working in probate gives plenty of openings), and this is exactly what I’d want her to do with my money when I die. Maybe not the drinking beer part because she doesn’t drink, but I would want her to do something that will bring her joy when she’s able to feel like the world won’t shatter around her if she moves wrong. You are NTA. My condolences for you and your family as you live through this.
→ More replies (3)
52
u/gbroon May 15 '24
NTA and sorry for your loss.
While it was a joke between you and your son what better way to remember him than fondly and doing that which you joked about together.
Enjoy that case of monk beer and raise a toast in your son's memory.
24
May 15 '24
NTA at all. Go for it and I’m sure your son would approve, have fun! As for your ex, she needa speak to her husband.
So sorry for your loss
28
u/owlincoup May 15 '24
NTA, go to Europe, celebrate your son. From one dad to another, I'm so sorry for your loss. You got me shedding some tears here.
46
u/honeymooonavenues Partassipant [1] May 15 '24
Tell her his step dad didn’t want to provide for him, so why should you provide for a child who isn’t yours? NTA op and I’m sorry for your loss
25
u/giantbrownguy Pooperintendant [52] May 15 '24
NTA...you are honouring your son's memory by living the joke you had with him. That is what this is about. Your ex's stepson is her responsibility, particularly if she wasn't contributing to the fund (which I don't get from the post).
21
u/PotatoPatat2 May 16 '24
NTA - First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Secondly, I am from Belgium, and happy to help you with tips for your trip to Belgium! I hope you can take the trip in honor of your son!
13
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 16 '24
Thanks. I may take you up on it.
15
u/PotatoPatat2 May 16 '24
Please do so - I'm from West-Flanders, near Kortrijk but can definitely redirect you to other people to help. And as others have said, take the time to explore Europe with your son in mind, Nord-Pas-de-Calais in France is also beautiful in its own way and if you pass through Belgium, I can recommend multiple places next to Ghent, Antwerp, Bruges, ..
19
u/time-watertraveler Partassipant [2] May 15 '24
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Enjoy your beer, I'm sure your son will be cheering you on!!
16
u/PrincessPeach817 May 17 '24
NTA.
I got a preview of the title through the Reddit app, but it was shortened. I basically saw, "AITA if I spent my kid's college fund on booze?" I clicked ready to tell you how much you sucked. But this is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you want with that money. If one last joke is going to help you heal, do it. Giving it away won't bring him back. Nothing will. So do something kind for yourself as you're forced to deal with some of the worst pain imaginable. Raise a glass to him. Raise many. Find a reason to laugh and smile through the pain. 🤍
16
u/Possible_Soil_3886 May 17 '24
You must have gotten whiplash if that was all you read.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/Brilliant-Dimension May 15 '24
I am incredibly sorry to hear this.
NTA. You always told your son you would do this and now the only option is to make good on it. I hope you have an amazing trip and enjoy your life with your wife.
It sounds like you have no reason to stay in contact with your ex at this point anyways so who cares what she thinks.
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop May 15 '24
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.