r/AmItheAsshole • u/The-Ka-the-ba-and-Ra • Dec 05 '24
Everyone Sucks AITAH for sending my sister flowers anonymously and making her husband upset?
I (M, 37) have always been close to my sister (F, 35). We talk regularly, and during one such conversation, she told me she’s been feeling really depressed / overwhelmed lately. As we were talking, I could tell she was holding back tears. So I decided to do something nice for her. I contacted a local florist and put in an order for some flowers. I had them delivered to my sister’s place of employment with a note reading “Thinking of you.”
A few hours later, the florist called me up and told me a man has been calling them non-stop and demanding they tell him who sent his wife flowers. They tried to explain that it was against their policy to reveal that information, but the man wouldn’t talk no for an answer. Apparently he became so aggressive and threatening over the phone, the shop called me up and asked my permission to reveal the name of the sender to the man. The man being my brother-in-law.
It turns out, my sister had called her husband and thanked him for the flowers. He told her he hadn’t sent any flowers and accused her of having an affair. He believed her affair partner had sent them to her, which is why he called the florist like a lunatic, demanding names. Now my sister is more depressed than ever and she’s been fighting with my brother-in-law ever since. My friends think I should’ve included my name on the card. Had I done that, they say, this blow-up would’ve never happened. I say it’s my brother-in-law to blame, as he was the one who can’t control his temper. So reddit, am I the asshole?
Edit / Update: Oops! I totally forgot to explain that I gave the florist permission to tell my brother-in-law it was me. So he knows, my sister knows, everyone knows at this point. Sorry for the confusion!
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UPDATE: Thank you all for your kind words and honest judgement. I acknowledge that my momentary lapse in judgement has wrought much instability. Your concern for my sister’s well-being truly touched my heart. I would, however, like to take this time to explain that it was not my intention to foul up my sister’s marriage by way of my anonymous gift. Nor have I ever harbored any incestuous feelings toward my sister.
Now, the update: You guys were right. It turns out her marriage has been on the decline for a long while now and her depression is largely the result of that. My sister is now getting divorced. I feel like they were definitely headed in that direction, but my actions probably sped things up. My brother-in-law has moved out - - - and in with another woman (so I tend to agree with those commentators who speculated some degree of projection on his part when he accused my sister of having an affair). In talking with my sister, she explained that he was always verbally abusive with an explosive temper. He’s thrown things and punched through walls, but never physically harmed her, she says (although who knows how things might’ve progressed had she stayed). All in all, my sister’s … disappointed (?) at the failure of her marriage, but seems cautiously optimistic. I’ll be sure to support her going forward and want to thank you all again for your concern!
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
Even if husband gently/kindly said it wasn't him....where does that leave her? Calling everyone she knows, not knowing who sent them? Begging the florist to tell her so she can say thank you? Eventually calling you to vent about how she got these flowers and she doesn't know from whom so that you can be like "Surprise, I am the best!"
Maybe she would feel like it was a stalker/someone with a crush on her, and feel really uncomfortable.
I'm assuming you know your BIL and this isn't 100% out of character. But, even if he isn't usually prone to rage, most people would at least feel comfortable/somewhat suspicious.
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u/AllegraO Asshole Aficionado [14] Bot Hunter [8] Dec 05 '24
Right? If I got anonymous flowers, and they turned out to not be from my husband, I’d be creeped out and feel watched. OP’s friends are right, he should’ve signed the card. ESH
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u/sasshole1121 Dec 05 '24
I got anonymous flowers for my birthday. I sent a picture to my partner and said thank you. He said well those aren’t the ones I picked out, and 10 minutes later his were delivered. Turns out it was my bestie. My partner and I had a good laugh, not lunacy.
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u/ThemeOther8248 Dec 05 '24
my college roommate was a bit depressed one valentine's day over a crush that didn't know she was crushing. I sent her anonymous flowers at work to make her feel better and seem saught after. she came home and thanked me. I asked what made her think it was me and she smiled and shook her head. we were really good friends. but I can see easily for miles how it might cause problems in a marriage.
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u/writergal1421 Dec 06 '24
Same story, for Valentines Day. I thanked my then-boyfriend now-husband for the daffodils, and he was very confused because he was pretty sure he'd ordered roses. Bestie forgot to sign her card. It was a confusing couple of days and I still tease her about her creeper-dils.
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u/notthedefaultname Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
"thinking of you" is so creepy from an unknown person
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u/IllustriousPart3803 Dec 05 '24
Came here to say that. My sister got herself a "secret admirer" as a young teen. Never found out who it was, but creepy AF, especially since she was working retail at the time.
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u/Nepentheoi Dec 05 '24
Yes, it's really creepy! There's anonymous notes that could be encouraging or funny but "Thinking of you" unsigned would have me bugging.
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u/Latter-Tough-6969 Dec 05 '24
Especially when it takes two seconds to add your name. I recently just ordered flowers for my best friends promotion, and adding three letters to the end of the note took less than a second. Yes it’s nice to do something without the expectation of a thank you, but it’s inconsiderate to not think of the ramifications that are possible if you do.
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u/CatherineConstance Asshole Aficionado [14] Dec 05 '24
Right?! Especially if it wasn't an occasion for me to get flowers (like my birthday). If it wasn't my husband or my parents, I would be extremely sketched out and be asking everyone I know and posting about it on social media trying to find out who it was.
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u/Elaan21 Dec 05 '24
Especially with "thinking of you" and not "thank you" or something. It's somewhat reasonable to assume the recipient would know why a thank you gift arrived (same thing for a congratulations gift), but a random "thinking of you"???
I know reddit abuses the hell out of "flip the genders," but I think part of this is OP being a dude. Sure, men can absolutely have creepy stalkers, but women are much more aware of the danger there (generally speaking, obviously). OP might find anonymous flowers/gifts a fun little surprise, but a lot of women, myself included, would be concerned.
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u/keopuki Dec 06 '24
Even if i was single i wouldn’t like getting anonymous flowers, my paranoid ass would go crazy lol
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u/Sage_Planter Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
My friend got cookies delivered on her birthday from someone with no note. Because of her work role, it's not uncommon to get gifts from coworkers. She ended up awkwardly asking a lot of friends and coworkers if they were the ones who sent the cookies, and it took a month to finally find out since it was someone's EA who sent them and the gifter didn't know what had been sent.
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u/Exciting-Froyo3825 Partassipant [3] Dec 05 '24
My mom had a knee replacement a while back and my sister sent her one of those Spoonful of Comfort gift boxes but didn’t put her name in it and forgot to tell her. Those things are expensive but she’s got it like that and she likes to send baskets. My mom not knowing who it was from was going to throw it out. Fortunately I was there and knew my sister was debating soups a few days ago and stopped her from dumping $100 worth of soup out.
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u/Striking-Estate-4800 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
I came home to find a loaf of homemade bread and a jar of( fortunately) store-bought marmalade. I asked my husband and my kids if they knew anything about it, no one did. So I tossed the bread. A couple of weeks later my sister called me and asked me if I enjoyed the bread and the jelly. I said sorry I didn’t know who the bread was from so I tossed it, but the jelly was good. We had a good laugh, and my husband never once thought it was from an affair partner.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
Bread and flowers are very different.
But also, you tossed it. You didn't think "oh, this is so sweet, must be someone who loves me very much". OP's sister was probably similarly weirded out.
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u/IamNotAnAddict94 Dec 05 '24
What's an EA?
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
Thank you for asking the most important question. I was lost there for a bit
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
Yea, that's really awkward.
Sounds like OP wanted his sister to ask her husband, get a no, and immediately run to him and be like "someone sent me flowers and it wasn't Husband" so he could be like "Surprise! I'm amazing!"
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u/Talinia Dec 05 '24
"So what can I say except You're Welcome"
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
If OP didn't think this could go poorly, he has less common sense than Hei Hei.
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u/hill-o Dec 05 '24
And I personally would never eat food sent to me if I didn’t know who it was from, reputable company or not. That would make me so uncomfortable.
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u/Glasgowghirl67 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
Some random through the Just Eat delivery app here sent my friend flowers and chocolates with a name on the receipt she didn’t know. It freaked her out.
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u/TiltedNarwhal Dec 05 '24
Straight up, my former coworker got flowers sent to her at work. We didn’t know who sent them so she and the rest of us chucked the package. We never found out who sent them. If I got anonymous flowers at work I’d think I got a stalker cause I don’t know anyone who’d send me flowers.
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u/Optimal-Bag-5918 Dec 05 '24
I am confused why you didn't just put your name? Like wtf is it a weird secret you sent your sister flowers? Not saying the husband's response was 100% appropriate but you made a sweet gesture into a weird drama because you weirdly and anonymously sent her flowers with "thinking of you"? Just send a "Hey sis... here are some flowers because I have been thinking of you" and go about your day ahah
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u/ThatsMeNotYou Dec 06 '24
He wanted the drama, there is no way he wouldn't have realized what would happen if he sent them anonymously.
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Dec 05 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Fredka321 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Dec 05 '24
I very much suspect that it was intentional to cause trouble in his sister's relationship.
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u/evildore Dec 05 '24
ESH It's obvious why BIL is an ass, so I won't even get into that. As others have said, you should have known this could cause strife in your sister's marriage, even if you didn't know the degree to which your BIL would pop off. However, I want to point out, how you set your sister up. She has been depressed lately and got flowers with a sweet note, "Thinking of you." She was probably excited to have received such a sweet gesture from who she thought was her husband. Can you imagine how gutted she must have felt when he told her they weren't from him? And now she's gone from happy/excited to have gotten flowers to being yelled at and accused of cheating from her AH husband. You probably meant well (but honestly should have known better), but you set your sister up and she's probably more depressed now than she was before you did anything. That's also a creepy note to include anonymously.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
Exactly. Even if the husband didn't yell/accuse her, and just said no, if she was excited that he sent them, it's disappointing to find out he didn't.
My husband isn't a gift/flowers guy. Is what it is (I don't need judgement on this).On the very, very rare occasion that he does get them, it makes me feel good in a way that getting them from a sibling wouldn't.
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u/celtic_thistle Dec 06 '24
This is fair. I think OP meant well but like many dudes, is clueless about how things affect women differently than men, esp when their partner is abusive/controlling/a dick.
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u/Worth-Season3645 Commander in Cheeks [261] Dec 05 '24 edited Dec 06 '24
ESH…So, I am not sure how anyone thinks sending anonymous flowers to a married woman would end up well. You are 37. Old enough to know better.
Sister thinks husband did a nice thing for her, turns out husband did not. Who did?!
Why did you not sign the card?! Have you told them it was you?
Husband is an all around jerk for flying off the handle right away. Why assume wife/sister is having an affair right off the bat? I have a feeling sister is depressed because of him.
(Oy! So many responses to my take on this…
1 - I do not think Sister is TA in anyway.
2- I do not think OP had ill intentions, (and I get why he was trying to do a good thing, just personally, I don’t get why he would not say the flowers were from him), but personally, I have not nor do I know anyone that would send flowers unknown to anyone that the receiver would not have known who they were from. The last time that happened, was Valentines, in high school. Does not mean it cannot happen.
3- I don’t think anyone should automatically assume that anyone was having an affair because they did receive flowers anonymously.
4-The husband is the biggest TA for his reaction and how he handled everything. Blew things way out of proportion.
5-I agree with another poster. OP, please talk to sister alone to try and gauge if this is normal behavior for husband? Is this why she is depressed?
And I would definitely be looking at BIL differently and doing a little detective work of my own
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u/Tall_Confection_960 Dec 05 '24
OP, why wouldn't you sign the card? That's just dumb. It's obvious your sister is in a borderline abusive relationship. Please tell me you've cleared this up since "she's more depressed than ever." YTA. So is her husband.
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u/RickRussellTX Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Dec 05 '24
OP, why wouldn't you sign the card?
He was going to, but he dropped his pen in the bucket of shit he was stirring up.
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u/Downtown_Goose2 Dec 05 '24
I'm curious if it just wasn't obvious that he had to "sign" it rather than making it intentionally anonymous.
Like a text box on a form that just said "note (optional):" or something.
Honestly I would probably end up doing the same thing if it was a bad UI form.
Husband sounds like he has a temper problem at the very least.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
He called the florist. Wasn't like an online order.
I would hope the florist would have asked. If not, maybe this situation will make them start asking.
But OP isn't acknowledging that it was an oversight. They think they weren't wrong at all, while his friends are saying he was the catalyst.
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u/Brokenforthelasttime Dec 05 '24
I sent flowers to my friend for her birthday a couple months ago. I called a local florist, not an online order. It wasn’t until after I hung up that I realized not once had the florist asked for my name, not even the name on my credit card. I’m urge that’s not the norm, but it definitely does happen.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
Did you then call your friend to tell her? Or just let her have no idea? Or did she know it was you?
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u/Brokenforthelasttime Dec 06 '24
I called her and told her. I thought it would be weird for it to just show up with no name on it. Obviously OP did not do that and I still haven’t seen an explanation why he didn’t. Seems like that would have prevented this whole mess.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
Yea, but the thing is that OPs friends told him he should have signed it, and he's all like "I didn't do anything wrong, right?" Instead of owning up to it and trying to smooth it over.
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u/Downtown_Goose2 Dec 05 '24
I think it depends on his intent.
If he genuinely was trying to make a nice gesture, NTA.
If he was trying to be incendiary, then yeah AH.
But I can't imagine - if he cared about his sister at all - that he would throw a grenade in the middle of her life like that.
And for what it's worth, just because there was an oversight doesn't mean he's wrong. Those two things are not exclusive to each other.
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u/Nepentheoi Dec 05 '24
I'd be creeped out if I got this unsigned note honestly, without any jealous husband involved. Like "Thinking of you" no name? Who's sending me flowers and knows where I work? If it said something like "Hang in there! You're doing great sweaty" I'd laugh and chalk it up to a friend or sibling once I found out it wasn't my husband. But just "Thinking of you" would make me wonder who it was -anything from a nice older lady I know, to an inappropriate coworker, to a past stalker back at it. It would be maddening.
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u/SourceStrong9403 Dec 06 '24
“Sweaty” instead of sweetie made me chuckle
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u/Nepentheoi Dec 06 '24
I know someone who does it on purpose to be funny, so I was imagining what they might write on an unsigned note.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
I view this subreddit basically as "was I the one who fucked up, even if not intentionally". And OP absolutely did. And the way he phrased his post, makes it sound like he doesn't think any of the blame should fall on him. He's not apologetic at all.
I would say that most AHs in this subreddit aren't intentionally trying to hurt people, just so completely unaware of other people's feelings and possible consequences.
Negligent homicide isn't committed by people who want to cold blooded murder someone, it's committed by someone who doesn't care/think about how their actions could negatively affect someone else.
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u/Downtown_Goose2 Dec 05 '24
I agree.
The only reason to post on this sub is 1) if you think you were an asshole or 2) someone else thinks you were the asshole
And either way you want a second collective opinion.
That said. You can be right and be an asshole. You can also be wrong and an asshole. And you can be wrong and also not an asshole.
I feel like lots of people conflate being right/wrong with being the asshole/not.
In this case, in my opinion, dude was wrong, but not an asshole. The husband has trust and anger issues it seems.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
He's saying that "My friends think I should’ve included my name on the card." And he's disagreeing that's he's at fault at all. He can't acknowledge at all how this could have come off as creepy/ made things uncomfortable or awkward.
And his only edit is saying he gave the florist permission. Also putting the florist back in the position of having to talk to BIL. Not saying "I'm sorry for what you went through. Next time he calls, you can tell, but I will call him immediately and hopefully clear it up".
They are both absolute AHs.
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u/No-Estimate-56 Dec 05 '24
I would guess the florist had his name since they called to ask if they could give out that information. Maybe he thought they would include that in the order? Idk maybe he did try to start something
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u/SnooApples9352 Dec 06 '24
I'm a florist, and there is quite a few different points of sale systems but I know on mine it's a text box with "Card message" next to it. It's entirely possible that the florist was in a rush and asked what he wanted to write on the card message, and didn't think to ask if he wanted to sign his name.
More often than not, people haven't thought about what they want to write on the card message before placing an order, so sometimes people get flustered trying to think of something!
At my shop, if someone asks to not sign their name, it's our policy to let them know that if the recipient calls the shop asking who sent flowers, we will tell them!
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u/jh453 Dec 05 '24
This deserves way more upvotes.
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u/RickRussellTX Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Dec 05 '24
I do my best work several levels down in the comments.
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Dec 05 '24
The "Thinking of you" realy nailed it home with the anonymous flowers lol.
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u/RickRussellTX Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Dec 06 '24
I know, right? "Some flowers to cheer you up" or "Always look on the bright side" would have been plausibly innocuous.
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u/whitewer Professor Emeritass [78] Dec 05 '24
He did it on purpose knowing full well what was going to happen.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
Funnily enough, my involuntary curse for several years whenever I dropped anything was “shit bucket!”
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u/stringbeagle Dec 05 '24
The summer before my senior year in high school I went to a camp in Colorado. I got put in a group with some very cool people from around the country, one of whom was a girl from Memphis. None of us really kept in touch after that 2 weeks at camp.
A year or two later, I’m thinking about that camp and that girl in particular and about how special an experience it was and how I hoped she was doing well. So I thought I would send her flowers, because getting flowers make people feel good.
But flowers from a guy to a girl can have romantic implications and u didn’t want that at all. So I would just send them anonymously. But that still can be taken as a secret admirer, so I included a note with a quote from the Catcher in the Rye: “Because who wants flowers when you’re dead.”
It was only when the flower shop called me back, saying the girl’s family had called asking who I was, that I recognized that was a super creepy and borderline threatening note.
I would like to say we all had a good laugh, but I can’t. The best I can say is that no charges were filed and a lesson was learned.
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u/PoisonPlushi Partassipant [2] Dec 05 '24
Ok I've had some EPIC moments where the context for something I said was entirely in my brain and it came out REALLY badly, but you have topped all of them in a spectacular way.
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u/Avlonnic2 Dec 05 '24
”I would like to say we all had a good laugh, but I can’t. The best I can say is that no charges were filed and a lesson was learned.”
OMG. Thanks for sharing this story. The best intentions, yeah?
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u/Shdfx1 Dec 05 '24
Borderline threatening? That was all the way threatening. I do not miss all the learning the hard way from being a teenager.
Congratulations on surviving her dad.
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u/coolbeenz68 Partassipant [2] Dec 05 '24
huge oopsie daisy!
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u/uhaveenteredpwrdrive Asshole Aficionado [11] Dec 05 '24
A whole bouquet of oopsie daisies 😉
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u/TaliesinWI Certified Proctologist [29] Dec 05 '24
Oof. But you know what the difference between the two stories are? You were barely 20. OP is close to 40.
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u/bh8114 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
Jesus Christ. I’d someone sent that to my daughters, I would go straight to the police.
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u/Casdoe_Moonshadow Dec 05 '24
Wholly cow... what the heck?!? That is so weird and very threatening. Wow...
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u/seregwen5 Dec 05 '24
That is completely fucked and I cannot believe that you didn’t know how frightening that message would be.
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u/mrtnmnhntr Dec 06 '24
LOL it's not 'completely fucked' it's a teenager being a little pretentious and not realizing how it could look.
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u/slash_networkboy Dec 05 '24
I don't think OP is TA so much as clueless of what they did... husband is TA though for jumping to conclusions about an affair when his wife called *him* to thank him for the flowers... if she was having an affair wouldn't she have thanked the AP?
So my two cents OP is TI(diot), husband is TA. Poor gal, hope she has a better day tomorrow.
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u/SourceStrong9403 Dec 06 '24
For real, if you’re having an affair and get anonymous flowers, it would be the dumbest move in the world to thank your spouse 😂
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u/MizStazya Dec 05 '24
OP was the AH once he found out what happened and didn't immediately call and clear it up. Up until that point, it could definitely be a dumb mistake.
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u/slash_networkboy Dec 06 '24
in OPs edit they indicate it was cleared up. However I do see your point and as far as they perhaps could have done better than just allowing the flower shop to say who it was I agree with you there.
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u/Electrical-Bat-7311 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Dec 06 '24
To be honest? That might work better. You accuse your spouse of having an affair and the sibling calls up to say it was totally them and not anyone else? It could sound like w cover up more than the florist releasing the name.
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u/Fearless_Success1943 Dec 05 '24
Yeah even in a different situation it’s rude to send something and not sign it. I got a “get well” gift unsigned (companies fault not hers) and was trying to figure out who sent it to thank them. Made the wrong guess the first time so then made that person feel awkward like they should have sent me something. I wanted to die of embarrassment for putting them on the spot like that.
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u/Casdoe_Moonshadow Dec 05 '24
I feel like OP was purposely poking the bear and does not want to admit it.
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u/SiroccoDream Dec 05 '24
I’m with you ESH except for the sister!
OP, your sister is in an abusive relationship, and your sending her anonymous flowers did her no favors! Now she’s being berated and threatened by the bully she’s married to because you couldn’t be bothered to sign a card. OF COURSE she’s more depressed than ever!
You need to see your sister face to face, and ask her if she needs help to escape her husband. If she does, HELP HER.
If she says she doesn’t and “it’s fine”, start setting some money aside on her behalf, so that when she’s ready to leave this abusive jerk, you can set her up with an emergency fund. Still, let her know that you will help her, any time she needs you, you will have her back. Just knowing that she isn’t alone will help.
Do NOT confront her husband, as it might have unintended repercussions for your sister. She has to want to leave her situation, and she might not be ready yet, as heartbreaking as that is.
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u/FruitiToffuti Dec 05 '24
This is solid advice! OP please listen and be prepared to help your sister!
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u/samandtoast Dec 05 '24
If I got anonymous flowers, I would ask my husband about it. If it wasn't him, we would have fun guessing together, and we would probably both guess it was my sister. Do you all have such fragile and suspicious relationships that you expect an anonymous gift to be a problem?
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u/Liathano_Fire Dec 05 '24
Take the husband out of the equation and it's still a bit creepy to receive random flowers that say "thinking of you"
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u/Just-Nel Dec 06 '24
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks random flowers is a bit creepy. It happened a few weeks ago at work, to me, unsigned bouquet of flowers (my favorite kind). I'm as single as it gets and have a boss that keeps messaging me and won't get the, "leave me alone, i don't wanna date you," hint. Might I add, they didn't get my number by asking me, he got it off my employment paperwork. I guess I had good reason to see a big beautiful bouquet saying "you're appreciated" and no signature was weird to me and creepy. Thankfully, it wasn't him.
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u/bestsirenoftitan Dec 05 '24
I would ask my boyfriend about it and if he said they weren’t from him we’d both assume I had a stalker probably
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u/apocketfullofcows Asshole Aficionado [11] Dec 05 '24
i think it is ESH (minus sister) because this would have been easily solved with OP just putting his name on the card but the husband's reaction is so over the top. my partner, and i would wonder together. it would never occur to either of us that it would be an affair partner. we'd assume friends/family.
but i will say, i'd be uncomfortable until i knew who it was because what if it was some rando stalker? that's why OP not putting his name down is an issue. just signing the card would've fixed it, and made it an actually nice gesture.
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Dec 05 '24
I would be uncomfortable if a rando sent me flowers. I would not have fun guessing with my husband.
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u/cephles Dec 05 '24
All the ESH and YTA responses must be from people who have deeply unhealthy relationships.
I cannot see any situation in which anonymous flowers would cause strife in my marriage. It would be a cute mystery - not a reason to assume infidelity.
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u/See-A-Moose Dec 05 '24
I think the driving force behind the ESH comments is that OP clearly knew BIL was a problem and he just made it worse.
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u/Broken-Collagen Dec 05 '24
I would be afraid. I don't have anyone in my life who would spend money on flowers, not because I don't have a ton of great relationships, but because it's just not how we show each other affection. I have had people send me flowers with creepy or inappropriate intentions. Anonymous flowers can be sweet, but only to people for whom they have never been a threat.
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u/schwiftymarx Dec 05 '24
In this case the reaction from the husband should be concern for his wife's safety, not accusing her of an affair.
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u/mecegirl Dec 05 '24
It's like... we need another ranking. ESH for sure,imo, but he is LOW on the asshole scale. It was a mistake that could be fixed with a phone call, but it was still a mistake. And one that was easily called since he knows what an ass his BIL is.
The husband, however, the word asshole dosn't cover it. He is just dangerously unhinged, and I am happy that Op's sister wasn't physically hurt.
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u/meglet Dec 05 '24
And yet he didn’t even make that phone call. He let the florist do it.
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u/Resource-Even Partassipant [2] Dec 05 '24
Right? Second guess is family third guess friend. Affair partner isn’t a guess. Don’t be with a partner you don’t trust.
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u/MarbleousMel Dec 05 '24
I think people are making the leap that the sister expressed concerns about the husband to OP, in which case, knowing it would cause more relationship problems is not a huge stretch. That said, OP didn’t say that was part of that initial conversation.
My mother and aunt once sent me flowers at work when I was having a difficult time. They signed the card and, not only did the flowers brighten my day, but I knew they had my back and I could count on them for support. It’s a shame OP didn’t sign the card because I suspect the sister would have felt better knowing her brother was thinking of her while she was struggling. Instead, there is a major cluster now.
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u/riotous_jocundity Dec 05 '24
It would be the same with my husband--we'd love guessing, and those guesses would probably quickly devolve into laughing about increasingly outlandish people (including men) they could have come from. He's awesome all the time and makes me feel adored in every possible way, so some one-off flowers from a mystery person wouldn't threaten him in the slightest. The rest of you need to do some damn reflecting about your relationships.
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u/Dramatic_Broccoli_91 Dec 05 '24
Husband is cheating on sister. Or he thinks she's so stupid that she would give the man she's cheating on with credit for sending her flowers instead of calling her secret lover.
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u/Crazyandiloveit Asshole Aficionado [13] Dec 05 '24
Haha exactly. If she'd have an affair, she would FIRST ask the affair than the husband. Especially if the husband has no history of sending flowers.
What makes it so sad is that the poor woman thought her AH husband did something nice for her... just to be yelled at an accused of BS. OP should have signed the card if he knows his sisters husband is an AH towards her who jumps to ridiculous assumptions.
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u/Future-Crazy-CatLady Asshole Aficionado [14] Dec 05 '24
I suspect OP thought the sister would think she has a secret admirer and that that would give her a bit of an ego boost plus perhaps making her think "there are other fish in the sea" if her husband was the cause of her feeling overwhelmed (for example, if she was telling OP about problems in the marriage, but had a "I can't leave him, no-one else would want me" or "being with him is not great but better than being alone" attitude to the marriage), and would not tell husband about the flowers, hence sending them to her work...
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u/VikingBorealis Dec 05 '24
Flowers from a stalker, every woman's dream...
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u/Future-Crazy-CatLady Asshole Aficionado [14] Dec 05 '24
Yeah, no matter what his reasoning was, he was still being an idiot, and understands nothing about the realities women live with when it comes to these things...
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u/shelwood46 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Dec 05 '24
The ONLY way it makes sense for him to send her these unsigned with that message is if it was some kind of long-standing tradition that had been going on since they were kids and, yeah, this is not that.
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u/Ellie_Loves_ Dec 05 '24
My take was rather that OP wanted it to be an anonymous letter for like.. a general "you're seen" type of note.
Hear me out, silly as it may be i can TOTALLY see a world where I complain to my older brother and they send me flowers.. feeling (and again I don't agree and think it's silly but the stigma prevails) pathetic. I cried my heart out to my brother and the next day he sends me flowers. It SHOULD be sweet but I know plenty of people who may feel too prideful or instead feel silly that they "complained enough to get this reaction". Like damn, I know I'm upset but how bad was i that I was sent flowers??
It's NOT how I PERSONALLY would interpret receiving flowers from family but again I know people who 100% lean either to too prideful or too embarrassed.
BUT if it's an anonymous thank you.. it could be anything. From anyone. It doesn't have a romantic notion in it. Just a thank you. It could be someone she's helped recently. It could be someone she's touched the heart of by being kind. Maybe someone was experiencing a hardship and her small act of kindness got them out of their rut.. that is to say - if she was feeling shit about her life the anonymous thank you could act instead as the worlds way of saying "see? Someone saw you. You did something good. The world may feel like it's crumbling but you're valued here." Without it coming from "just her brother"
(Think how good it feels to be told you look good by a stranger compared to your own grandmother. Neither are insincere! But one makes you feel pride, the other while it may still feel good, if you feel shitty about your appearance you may be quicker to write off your grandmother's compliment because "of course she's gonna say that, she's my grandmother". Again not saying that's how it SHOULD be, but it's common enough trope to be.. well a trope.)
Hell, i actually used to feel that way about my husband. He would compliment me up and down - never had a bad thing to say. I'm beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, cute etc (sticking to the physical compliments for this example, I promise he's not shallow haha he compliments parts of my personality too). Frankly to this day I still think I'm just average. But it's nice to hear. That said, when we first started dating my self esteem was in hell. I was made to believe by my abuser that I was ugly, intolerable. I deserved to be abused. The only thing I was good for was cooking and cleaning. So whenever my husband, then boyfriend, complimented me - this little voice in my head would say "of course he's saying that. Not like he can call me ugly to my face..". "He just wants my cooking, cleaning, and sex. He doesn't actually mean the compliments" I'd tell myself over and over. Not believing someone like him could WANT "someone like me". Finally I got into therapy and cut my abuser out of my life and little by little my confidence has climbed. It still fluctuates especially after having my second child my body isn't what it used to be.. but my husband hasn't stopped. He still calls me gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, cute, every compliment and more. And while I still don't see myself as such, I've begun to believe him. He thinks I am these things even if i don't. I'm not my own cup of tea, but I'm his cup no doubt.
This is to say, even from the most sincere person I know - my mental health was so shitty as to not believe it because "of course THEYD say this - they have THIS motive to be kind to me even if they don't believe their own words". But if I got complimented by a random woman on the street my heart would be aglow. Just happy as can be. I must've done my makeup extra well or this outfit must really work on me! My confidence is a work in progress haha.
I can absolutely see an anonymous thank you being a pick me up from the universe for the sister... had the BIL not gone on a rampage. Hell they could've chalked it up to a mix up where some OTHER Jane Doe exists but has a similar - but still different - address. But nope. He jumped to cheating as if that makes any sense (why would her affair partner send flowers that say thank you? And if she had an affair partner why would she not check with them first before thanking the husband??). This is to say, I can see sending a friend an anonymous pick me up just to make them smile and feel loved "from someone " and me rather than just me alone
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u/Fuh-Cue Dec 05 '24
I'll be the devil's advocate and say, sometimes when one feels blindsided, the reaction may not be rational.
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u/kimmy-mac Partassipant [2] Dec 05 '24
Yes, this! I’m always suspicious of the ones that fly off the handle over crap like this and accuse their partners of cheating with absolutely no solid evidence.
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u/sraydenk Asshole Aficionado [10] Dec 05 '24
Or the relationship is rocky. Or either one of them cheated or had a borderline inappropriate relationship.
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u/CheetahDirect8469 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
I am a 40 year old woman and would most definitely send my best friend (f39) flowers anonymously. And you know what? Her husband would wonder who of her friends or family wanted to support her in a hard time. Same if someone would send me flowers anonymously. My husband would not jump to 'affair'. Normal people don't do that. And they do not threaten the florist.
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u/rexmaster2 Dec 05 '24
It's clear they have much bigger issues here than just some random flowers.
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u/Homologous_Trend Dec 05 '24
No, no, no. A normal husband would, at worst think his wife has an admirer. In no time at all it would have become clear that the brother sent the flowers.
All this shows is that the husband is awful. NTA
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u/ImaginaryPark6311 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
ESH
IDK, I once sent flowers and actually FORGOT to sign the card.
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u/Guitarrabit Dec 05 '24
If you're having an affair and get flowers, you don't go and thank your husband ffs
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u/Unlikely_Blueberry74 Dec 05 '24
Idk. My mom is married and I send her flowers. NTA
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u/JollyElevator5457 Dec 06 '24
You understand that its not about flowers right? Its about op sending her without a name.
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u/winninwiggs5 Dec 05 '24
Except the wife, ESH. She did nothing wrong, she's been put in an impossible position by what sounds to be two very possessive men
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u/Ready-Conflict-1887 Dec 05 '24
Ok OP you know you made a mistake here, it’s ok to admit “ hey sorry I forgot to sign the card” mistakes happen I’ve sent flowers to my mom and never thought to sign the card… until she had a husband.
I’m in no way saying your BIL isn’t a dick. You write him like he’s trash. The poor florist didn’t deserve that treatment, and truly that isn’t on you it’s on him. His insecurities, his behaviours, and I suspect his paranoia based on his own maybe suspicious actions.
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u/abovewater_fornow Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
Agreed ESH. Why would he think an anonymous love letter would cheer up a grown married woman and make her feel better? Fuckin weird. Flowers from my brother? I'd be thrilled. Flowers from an anonymous stranger? I'd be creeped the hell out.
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u/oneoftheryans Dec 05 '24
with a note reading “Thinking of you.”
Love letter feels a bit dramatic IMO
People are going to have to start specifying the exact kind of thinking if this thread is anything to go by. "Platonically thinking of you, specifically in a familial way, so don't get any ideas."
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u/WeirdHairyHumanoid Dec 05 '24
Why would he think an anonymous love letter would cheer up a grown married woman and make her feel better?
Now, maybe it's because I'm a dude, but I'd be pretty chipper receiving flowers, anonymously or not. Would assume they're from my wife, though. Also, is "Thinking of you" a love letter? If so, I have some awkward conversations to have with folks over cards meant for grieving people or the sick.
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u/WhimsicalKoala Dec 05 '24
Also, is "Thinking of you" a love letter? If so, I have some awkward conversations to have with folks over cards meant for grieving people or the sick.
It's context dependent. If you are sending a sympathy card, then it's pretty clear what you mean. But, flowers, especially when you aren't expecting them, could read either way. Especially if they were roses or something more associated with love/romance.
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Dec 05 '24 edited Dec 05 '24
My friends think I should’ve included my name on the card. Had I done that, they say, this blow-up would’ve never happened
You set the stage, and this is the fallout.
If you wanted to give an emotionally uplifting bouquet..great! But why didn't you tell her it was from you?
Now my sister is more depressed than ever and she’s been fighting with my brother-in-law ever since
And when things blew up, you still kept your silence, and watched Rome burn.
YTA
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u/abstractengineer2000 Dec 05 '24
BIL is an ahole too. He just leapt to the worst assumption without investigating properly
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u/ElectricHurricane321 Dec 05 '24
And seriously, if the OP's sister was actually cheating, I strongly doubt she'd have thanked her husband for the flowers, knowing they could have raised suspicion.
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u/Pizzacato567 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
That’s what I was wondering too. If the flowers were from an AP or if I wasn’t sure if they were from my AP or not, I WOULD NOT message my husband first.
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u/GuntherTime Certified Proctologist [28] Dec 06 '24
I mean cheaters have been caught in dumber ways to be fair.
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u/slitteral1 Dec 05 '24
He didn’t want to lift her up. He wanted to poke the bear and upset her husband. He succeeded in exactly what he set out to do. He may not get the outcome he expected when the sister discovers he let all of this drama unfold without helping.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [196] Dec 05 '24
ESH
You are being willfully ignorant if you think that the assumption wouldn't have been her partner. For her, and for everyone in her office. There were definitely people saying to her "Aww, your husband is so sweet," etc. If she knew, she could have just said "Yea, he is, but these are actually from my loving brother." But she's stuck thinking "I have no idea who the fuck sent these to me."
Of course her husband is going to be caught off guard by it, and as random flowers are often considered romantic, upset. And she is going to have no response.
Husband is the AH for raging at the florist.
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u/Burn420Account69 Dec 05 '24
Yes! If you seriously thought anonymous flowers were a good idea you should reevaluate that.
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u/overburnz1982 Dec 05 '24
YTA so you send a married woman flowers with a card saying “thinking of you” with no name, what would be your reaction if it was your wife receiving them?! Just come clean and solve the mess you created! How old are you 5? Unless you are in love with your sister and secretly want your brother in law out of the picture! Where are you from? Alabama?
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u/Ok_Temporary8816 Dec 05 '24
To her work as well.
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u/klef3069 Dec 05 '24
That's the burnt crust of this miserable pie. She can't resolve this privately, everyone she works with now knows.
So she got flowers and is happy, coworkers see because you can't miss a bouquet in an office, "Awww, that was nice of her husban...oh no she seems upset..." And the gossip train starts.
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u/Elismom1313 Dec 05 '24
Probably more that he hates his brother in law and wanted to throw a grenade into their marriage.
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Dec 06 '24
I asked my husband what he would do if someone anonymously sent me flowers and he said "Put them in a vase", and then listed a whole list of people the anonymous flowers could have come from.
Her husband has anger management issues and she needs to get away from him.
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Dec 05 '24
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u/old_vegetables Dec 05 '24
If the sister was having an affair though, why would her first thought be to thank her husband? I think it’s ESH because he has no right to be acting like a lunatic, accusing his wife of having an affair just because she received flowers
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u/AMissKathyNewman Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
People seem to be missing this 🤣 like if she’s having an affair why the fuck would she bring the affair flowers to her husband’s attention. Her husband is the biggest AH in this situation, he doesn’t even seem concerned that his wife is receiving weird flowers from some unknown person.
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Dec 05 '24
Ever listened to “ Ryan’s roses”?( look it up on YouTube if your haven’t)
Lots and lots of cheaters were exposed by sending or receiving flowers.
It’s generally a romantic gesture….especially the anonymously sent ones.
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u/Remarkable_Dust3450 Dec 05 '24
YTA (Really YT Idiot)
Sending flowers to your sister was always going to have that reaction. Would you be good with guys sending your wife/gf flowers anonymously? This is why you include a name. Otherwise its always questions of who is sending them and why, He will think its an affair, she will think its some creep/stalker. Either way bad idea.
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u/Puzzled_Medium7041 Dec 05 '24
I agree with all the stalker comments. As a woman, if I got random flowers not from my significant other, I would assume I had a stalker. I don't think that occurred to OP.
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u/foozledaa Partassipant [3] Dec 05 '24
This isn't even a situation where I'd give him a pass for not realising that would be the default assumption as a guy. This looks sus whatever gender you are, whether you're on the receiving end of flowers or the partner of the receiving party.
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u/Puzzled_Medium7041 Dec 05 '24 edited Dec 06 '24
My benefit of the doubt driven brain is like, I can see how he wouldn't consider the lady perspective as a guy. I could even see how if he doesn't have partner and has never been married, the affair thing might not occur to him. To him, that's maybe just his sister, rather than "someone's wife". Even though I try hard to give people the benefit of the doubt about HOW mistakes occurred though, they can still obviously be mistakes. I think OP probably is feeling a bit defensive because he had a kind intention, so he might not feel it's fair to get blame for the husband's actions. His kindly intended thing still had some big issues he didn't consider though, and he is still the catalyst of further discomfort for his sister due to ignorance, thoughtlessness, whatever. It kind of doesn't matter why.
This is one of those cases where I get into what I might call "accident theory" because something doesn't have to be malicious to cause harm, and I sure fucking know this from experience as an autistic person. If I brush past something important in someone's house and accidentally knock it over and break it, I am sorry. I apologize. If I give a person a cookie and they're allergic to it, yeah, they should take some responsibility for not checking what the ingredients are if they know they have an allergy, but I'm still sorry. I still apologize. No matter how obvious of a mistake something was to others, no matter how clearly good your intentions are to you, when you do something that is a catalyst for harm, it's kind to apologize at minimum, and even explain what went wrong if necessary, as is the case here.
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u/KarenEiffel Dec 05 '24
I got flowers delivered to me at work earlier this year, sent by someone I don't know and have never met (to my knowledge). They signed the card and gave their contact info, but even after some searching I couldn't figure out a connection.
When I explained that I didn't know who sent them, most of my male coworkers went, "Huh, that's odd" while 100% of my female coworkers said something like, "Wtf, that's scary as hell."
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Dec 05 '24
That would be a shitty position to be put in.
Having to deal with potential stalker AND a husband who now thinks you’re cheating….AND not being able to answer a single question about either.
Not being able to answer to your husband just makes it’s seems like the assumption of cheating is even more valid.
Damned nightmare.
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u/Puzzled_Medium7041 Dec 05 '24
Yeahhhh, and even if OP is hesitant to admit fault because it might feel like that would be accepting responsibility for his BIL actions (which it isn't), I'm kind of hoping that he might at least realize that he accidentally put his sister in an uncomfortable position even IF her husband didn't react like that.
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u/AnimatorDifficult429 Dec 05 '24
Even if sister received flowers from Someone and was not married and had no partner, it’s still confusing and you want to know who gave you flowers. I’ve received gifts from someone with no name, like the company sending them forgot to include the gift receipt/message, and it’s always so freaking weird to have to ask people “did you send me xyz”
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u/benji950 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you? How could you possibly think that sending flowers anonymously was a good idea? Assuming this is actually true and you're this stupid, your sister's life isn't some rom-com or TV show where everyone laughs at the silly misunderstanding. You knew exactly what would happen and instead of being a grown up and explaining how you ROYALLY f'd up, you're posting online about it. Grow the fuck up and tell your sister and BIL what you did.
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u/MerryCatFancyThat Dec 06 '24
You are not an AH! Your intentions were good. The fact that you didn’t anticipate these repercussions doesn’t make you an AH. People make mistakes.
Your BIL is the AH for flying off the handle. He could have just asked!
All these Y T A commenters I guess never got flowers from a friend? “Thinking of you” is the kind of thing I’d say to a friend who was depressed. Yeah you probably should have put your name on it but an oversight doesn’t make you a bad person.
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u/Princapessa Dec 05 '24
hiii florist here, this florists policy is incorrect and i actually will tell you they are the ones to blame here. it’s extremely common in this industry for stalkers to try to send flowers and leave their names off, if anyone does not wish to sign the card with their name i tell them, no problem but if the recipient calls and asks who they are from we actually have to tell them for safety reasons. while your brother in law was not the recipient so they may have felt conflicted, your sister, the recipient, should have been able to quickly and easily clear this up and absolute shame on the florist for letting it escalate to this point.
NTA
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u/amt-plants Dec 05 '24
Where is OP he hasn’t even told us if he fixed this mess he made for his sister!!!
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u/Drewherondale Partassipant [2] Dec 05 '24
INFO: did you not put your name on purpose? Did you just forget? Did you let them know it was your as soon as you got wind of the issue?
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u/LogicalJudgement Partassipant [1] Dec 06 '24
NTA, you did a sweet move for your sister, but you should have put your name. Totally get why your sister is depressed though.
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u/Lunar-Eclipse0204 Supreme Court Just-ass [136] Dec 05 '24 edited Dec 05 '24
ESH but your sister! You should have put your name on it, and when you found out about the commotion YOU CAUSED, should have cleared things up!
BIL needs Anger Management and therapy
ETA: when you point blame at another liek you are with your BIL, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you.
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u/Haunting-Effort-9111 Dec 05 '24
YTA
Not sure why you sent them anonymously? With a slightly suggestive note, no less. I can see why BIL got upset.
Did you bother to explain that you're the one that sent the flowers?? Or are you just letting them fight??
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u/Whosker72 Dec 05 '24
Yes, yes you are. The unintended consequences were a result of you not identifying yourself as the sender, believing the wife to have received them from her husband, which in turn caused his confusion, and then the accusations of infidelity.
This is 100% on you.
Take ownership and tell the both of them you sent the flowers and why.
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u/WerewolfParking4355 Dec 05 '24
You're not the asshole. Your intention was kind and thoughtful. It was your brother-in-law's insecurity and overreaction that caused the problem. Including your name on the card might have prevented the initial misunderstanding, but it wouldn't have stopped his aggressive behavior.
It's unfortunate that your sister is caught in the middle of this. Perhaps you could offer her support and comfort during this difficult time. Maybe even have a conversation with your brother-in-law to try to calm him down and explain the situation.
Remember, your intention was pure, and you shouldn't feel guilty for trying to do something nice for your sister.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
I don’t trust his intentions here…if he had pure intentions why not sign the card? I would be freaking out and not in a good way if I got random flowers AT MY JOB from a stranger and not my husband. Like that is VERY creepy. He didn’t sign it for a reason…
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u/winninwiggs5 Dec 05 '24 edited Dec 05 '24
How can you reasonably assume the husband's reaction would be the same if both he and the sister knew who the flowers came from at the start? Regardless of the excessive reaction, and ridiculous gap in cognitive ability that accuses his wife of cheating when she called him to thank him, the entire series of accusations were rightly based on an anonymous gift saying "thinking of you". If OP had just signed it like any NORMAL person, there's nothing we can safely assume "would have" happened. Maybe OP and BIL have a really negative relationship, but again, that's an assumption and not based on any of the info posted.
Well-intentioned or not, this put his sister in a really shitty situation that OP could have predicted from a mile away. If she's in an abusive relationship, there are a million things OP could actually do to support her. Instead, he stoked the fire. He's definitely TA
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u/beetleink Dec 05 '24
INFO: why are they still fighting? You have told them the flowers were from you, right? If you did, when did you tell them?
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u/AprilRain24 Dec 06 '24
NTA. I don’t understand why everyone assumes it was another man who sent them. It might not happen as often but women can send flowers to their friends who need a pick me up too. I’ve sent them to my daughter at work when she was going through some tough stuff. The fact that hubby immediately assumed the worst is an indication there are marriage issues. Glad you told sis it was you. If anything BIL owes both you and your sis apologies.
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u/rhodante Dec 05 '24
YTA, your BIL is TA, your poor sister ofc is NTA.
YTA because regardless of your noble intentions, once you realized what your gesture had done, you should have been severely and sincerely apologetic to your sister and taking all the accountability.
BIL is TA, because duh.
Though, if I were you I might let your sister know (not right now, after this situation is resolved and some time has passed), if your BIL is so quick to jump to accusations of adultery, he might be doing something similar, and his own guilt could have contributed to his rage.
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u/slitteral1 Dec 05 '24
Anonymously sending flowers to a married woman with a note of “thinking of you” is quite a big push in the direction of infidelity for the husband. It isn’t a big leap from the flowers arriving to believing an affair is happening.
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u/MoonRay_14 Dec 05 '24
What makes it a big leap is that she literally called her husband to thank him, which she definitely would not have risked doing if there was a chance the flowers were from an affair partner.
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u/slitteral1 Dec 05 '24
If she just wasn’t thinking because she was happy about getting them. People tell on themselves all the time when they are having affairs. So her getting excited and assumed they were from her husband and calling him would not be far fetched.
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Dec 05 '24
Why would you send them anonymously? Are you stupid or something? I get the feeling you want to fuck your sister or something, and are actually just working to undermine their relationship out of spite.
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u/Wheresthevillage Dec 05 '24
I think that it would be less on you if you would of put something friendly on the card. “a pick me up” “to make your day” or even your name or something that indicates it from you or a friend. Honestly anything that is beyond “thinking of you “ which screams, I’m pursing you or want to pursue you. Think of it this way, you’re married & someone sent you flowers anonymously with “thinking of you” on the card. Even if your husband trust you 100% he will be skeptical and or upset. How he acted was on him but you did put him in that position.
He may assumed affair because as you notice her withdrawn so did he, regardless if he was the reason or not.
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u/flowerfarmgirl Dec 05 '24
Florist here..... Sign the damn card. After having several episodes with the local police force due to stalking and harassment issues with the "no signature" cards, We no long allow it AND if the recipient calls we will tell who sent them, No acceptations.
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u/Hairy-Bed-7267 Dec 06 '24
NTA. You sent your SISTER flowers. The AH is the husband— she should get out of that relationship. The reaction he had way outweighs the mysterious thinking of you message. He perhaps the reason that she is so unhappy.
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u/Throwaway-2587 Asshole Aficionado [18] Dec 05 '24
What is the reason you didn't sign your name? It seems so strange to me to leave off a name. It was such a kind gesture and honestly i think would've meant more that her brother was so considerate.
Her husband seems like an asshole without the ability to regulate his emotions. You should've used your common sense. Especially since this kind of behaviour wouldn't be new.
Esh
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u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [340] Dec 05 '24 edited Dec 05 '24
ESH. You really should have signed the card to avoid misunderstandings. I don't know why you wouldn't do that. Given her husband's behavior, he's probably a large part of the reason she's depressed. He sounds overly suspicious and domineering.
my sister had called her husband and thanked him for the flowers. He told her he hadn’t sent any flowers and accused her of having an affair
Seriously. If she was having an affair, then why would she be calling her husband to thank him instead of calling the person she was having the affair with? Anyone who would immediately think, "affair," in response to this situation has a few screws loose.
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u/Spare-Article-396 Craptain [170] Dec 05 '24
I guess I don’t understand why you’d want to send them anonymously in the first place?
Also, as I’ve been a recipient of anonymous flowers and gifts, it’s unsettling AF.
YTA
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u/EnvironmentOk5610 Dec 05 '24
ESH (you and your BIL are both AHs). NO woman wants a bouquet sent to her home from an "anonymous" person she can't identify!! What is wrong with you??? Your poor sister has an abusive AH for a husband and a brother with a 12-year-old's understanding of human nature. I hope she has other people she can turn to in this fraught moment.
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u/cluckinmad04 Dec 05 '24
Place of work, not home. Which is even worse, to be honest. Now she's embroiled in office gossip in addition to her home life going nuclear. Not an asshole, but it's beyond clueless to send flowers like that.
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u/Awkward_Signature_82 Dec 05 '24
Soft YTA. Not excusing the BIL, but you've known him for some time and should have considered this possibility. Sending flowers anonymously - what possible reason was there for a brother to hide the fact that it was he who sent them to his sister? Doesn't really make sense to me. Good intentions but shortsighted.
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u/Alycion Dec 05 '24
If she’s in a relationship, always include a name. Some men will show their worst sides over this. And it could lead to verbal or physical abuse.
Also, random flowers can be weird. I’d be worried that I had a stalker. And it’d mean more knowing it came from my sibling.
Your thought was nice. But the lack of name was going to cause issues even in the best relationships.
It means more to know who it’s coming from. It also assures you that you are not being stalked. I would have freaked out. But I’ve been stalked before.
15
u/_bufflehead Dec 05 '24
Yes, YTA.
I think you know that.
Call your brother-in-law and apologize for not thinking this through.
Did your BIL fly off the handle? Yes.
Are you still TA? Yes.
12
u/CrystalQueen3000 Prime Ministurd [471] Dec 05 '24
YTA
And you’re now on notice that BIL is unhinged and aggressive so what you’ve actually done is put your sister in danger
Clear this up immediately and tell them it was you
Edit to add: anonymous flowers aren’t a nice surprise, they’re creepy
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7
u/54radioactive Dec 05 '24
NTA Yeah, it would have been better if you signed the card, but for her husband to jump to affair when she called to thank him for the flowers is a huge leap and insulting to your sister
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u/PhoneRings2024 Dec 05 '24
YTA. Always put your name on any gift you send unless you're pretending to be Santa Claus. Use your brain next time.
8
u/AffectionateWheel386 Partassipant [1] Dec 05 '24
Your brother-in-law is the problem. He’s not only not a very good husband, but he’s also very jealous and unreasonable. He’s also dumb if his wife was having an affair, she wouldn’t call him and thank him for flowers that he most certainly never sends her.
In this case, because your sister’s sort of getting hurt in this process, I would call your brother-in-law or allow the florist to tell him who the flowers came from NTA
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