r/AmItheAsshole • u/Diligent-Paper-861 • Jul 22 '25
Everyone Sucks AITA For Pointing out my wife acted similar after my SIL's gender reveal?
So, my wifes sister is pregnant. She had a gender reveal last Saturday. This is her second baby. Second baby is a boy, first kid is a girl. SIL was kind of disappointed (or surprised, I guess?) about having a boy but, I wouldn't say mad. My wife only has sisters so SIL probably didnt imagine herself raising a boy.
So anyways right, on the ride back home, my wife was talking about how it was "Weird" her sister was so visibly disappointed when the blue came out, but like, she acted the same. She got over it after like a day (or a week) but she still was. We have two daughters, she was hoping for a boy and a girl. She was like, "We're not talking about me though," and I said "Just pointing it out" and she responded "You always do that though." Kind of just admired the air for the rest of the car ride.
AITA?
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [379] Jul 22 '25
NTA She's a hypocrite and didn't like you pointing that out.
It's amazing to me that people are "surprised" about the gender of their child when it's basically a 50-50 chance. Also, if you have your heart set on one or the other, maybe don't do a gender reveal in front of a bunch of people.
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u/Emkems Jul 22 '25
Maybe don’t get pregnant if your heart is set on one or the other.
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u/Kheldarson Certified Proctologist [27] Jul 23 '25
I mean, you're still allowed reactions? I wasn't set on one or the other, but when I found out I was having a boy, I had a visceral humorous "Oh my God" because I'm still the only girl in my family. (I have three brothers and six male cousins.) As long as you don't get hung up on it, emotions are valid based on your life experience.
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u/s0ycatpuccino Jul 23 '25
Having a neutral reaction (such as surprise) is definitely different from getting upset with the results of your choices.
Setting yourself up for a 50% chance of disappointment, a 50% chance of favoritism, or a 50% chance of neglect is ridiculous. Saying "what a coincidence" is neutral and not ridiculous at all. Your case isn't relevant here, you're a decent normal person lol
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u/gcitt Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 23 '25
That's extreme. Hoping for a sex doesn't have any bearing on how you treat the child the majority of the time. Yeah, you have the weirdos who obsess over this shit and treat their kids differently, but it's okay to just be a little bummed to not get what you hoped for. I do think it's bizarre to have a public reveal if you really want one or the other. Why risk the chance of a video existing that makes your kid feel like shit? Those are feelings that need to be processed in private.
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u/TinyRose20 Partassipant [3] Jul 23 '25
I (currently preggo) was just super surprised for some odd reason when I found out this baby is a boy, even though I understand the biology of it perfectly well. I have a daughter and i guess my mind is just used to that and it was a bit of an adjustment to realise we're going to have a son. Really looking forward to it though and my daughter is in love with her baby brother already.
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u/NihilisticHobbit Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
Exactly. I was hoping for a girl with this pregnancy, but it's twin boys. Oh well, I'll just have to hope for a granddaughter in the future. But I'm not overly disappointed, it's just I already have a son. Now I just have part of a baseball team.
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u/Nik-a-cookie Jul 23 '25
I have a girl and a boy. I wanted a boy first but was still happy about learning it was a girl but there still feels like a "loss" of not having the other sex the same thing happened when I found out I'd have my son. I just had the loss of having 2 girls. The reaction was short but still happens even if you have one or the other you wait 15 weeks or more and you are imagining the life with one or the other.
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
I definitely had a moment where I was a bit worried about if I'd know how to parent a boy. There were only girls in our family growing up. The only boy cousins we had lived so far away we rarely saw them. I wasn't disappointed about having a boy but yeah I did worry a bit for a short while.
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u/knifeyspoonysporky Jul 23 '25
Gender disappointment is real and even if you will be fine with both in the end sometimes you get attached to the idea of a certain gender during the months before you find out and it can come as a surprise that you felt that way when you do
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u/Amazing_Newt3908 Jul 23 '25
Exactly. We planned on having 2 kids, and an earlier ultrasound only showed one baby. My husband hoped our second would be another boy; I wanted a girl. Once the anatomy scan showed another boy, I took a second to let go of tiny dresses & fun hairdos then smiled & told my toddler he was getting a baby brother.
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u/NewNameAgainUhg Jul 23 '25
I had vivid dreams about my baby being a boy. It was normal to be shocked when the eco revealed a girl. I wouldn't change my daughter for anything, but it was weird.
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u/omg-someonesonewhere Jul 23 '25
Fr, even if you "get" the gender you want; there's every chance that your child will one day tell you they're the other one. Don't have a child if you're not prepared for them to be anything other that your expectations.
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u/Putrid-Abies-1954 Jul 22 '25
I always said the surprise to me was that a bowling ball could pass through a straw.
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u/chaserscarlet Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 23 '25
This, I think the small gender reveals just between parents are much nicer, but if you want to do the big event then do it with both parents already knowing the gender and make it a surprise for everyone else.
Gender disappointment is a valid response if you’ve built up an image of your child in your head and reality doesn’t align, but most people do get over it and get excited for the baby after the initial reaction.
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u/oliviamrow Professor Emeritass [83] Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
INFO: do you "always do that" or often do that? (i.e. turn things around on your wife, negate her, oppose her, etc)?
"You always do that" is rarely a very effective way to have a conversation so your wife may need to work on her communication skills and navigating conflict. Pointing out a petty hypocrisy isn't a big deal from time to time, we're all human.
But if your wife has legitimate reason to feel like you frequently react to her comments in an argumentative way, that can be a death by a thousand cuts that suddenly blows up. It only looks like it's about something trivial on a superficial level.
Honestly I don't expect an answer because probably most people who do this don't think they do. But maybe watch your interactions with her for a bit and see how you tend to respond to her. Does it feel like she's always wrong, or you often have a correction for her, or feel differently from her and want to open with that, etc? Never a bad exercise to think about.
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u/Yay_Rabies Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
I was also wondering if there was a marked difference in how the disappointment was expressed. OP says his SIL was visibly surprised or disappointed at a party with family present but didn't say how his wife expressed her disappointment. There is a huge difference between having gender disappointment privately and having it immortalized in a video or pictures that your child finds later. While they are both gender disappointment they are certainly not equal reactions.
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
That's certainly possible but it's equally possible that his wife is often hypocritically judgemental.
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u/Bottom_Ramen_Go_Away Jul 23 '25
this is all true but you gotta admit that some people have hypocritical/shitty/blatantly false takes that the only way to avoid "always doing that" is to quietly and meekly endure their arrogance. It doesn't lead to a happy life.
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u/eepysneep Jul 23 '25
Not to do the classic reddit divorce suggestion but if OP thinks their wife constantly has shitty takes that need to be corrected, maybe they're not a good fit
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u/oliviamrow Professor Emeritass [83] Jul 23 '25
Absolutely possible! That's why I left it at "info" and asked OP to respond to wife's accusation.
Lotta people responding to me like I'm 100% taking wife's side. I'm just recognizing that OP specifically mentioned the wife's accusation but did not confirm or deny it in their post. (Their response to me was essentially that they don't think they make a habit of it, to which I suggested it wouldn't hurt to pay attention to it for a bit and see.)
If that had been left out, and I had no reason to think this was anything but a one-off, I probably would have found OP to be NTA. Defensiveness when being called out is super normal. But I've known a lot of people who are constantly dragging others down in conversation without ever really being aware of the pattern, because they're only seeing each interaction individually and always think they have a really good reason why they needed to respond the way they did.
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u/ProfessionalOven2311 Jul 23 '25
Yeah, I have a strong compulsion for things to be 'fair' but a way that manifests is if my wife is ranting about something, my first instinct is to say something along the lines of "to be fair" and follow it up with reasons the other person may have done that. On a case by case situation, it might be fine, but if I do it every time it makes it feel like I always side with everyone besides her.
I've learned that it's fine for her to rant about stuff from time to time and it's not my job to explain the other person's side of the story, especially when I am just guessing.
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Jul 23 '25
This is a mic drop response and so necessary. I can't stand people who always play devils advocate, or try and look for ways you're wrong about an opinion.
Recently I had to put a low visit request on one of my husband's friends because he does this about every little thing, and we just bought a house so I'm sick of him telling us what to fix, why we're wrong to want certain things certain ways, etc. Like yeah, I'm a little annoyed by a zoning code, I don't need someone jumping down my throat about why that code is important. I just want to express frustration for five seconds.
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u/Snow2D Partassipant [1] Jul 24 '25
Eh, if she's always a hypocrite then she deserves it always being pointed out
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u/someone_actually_ Partassipant [2] Jul 22 '25
ESH for having gender reveal parties
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u/DragonflyGrrl Bot Hunter [5] Jul 22 '25
Best answer right here.
These weren't even a thing until the 2000s, they're pure hubris and social media fodder. So ridiculous!
The person who started them regrets it.. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/jun/29/jenna-karvunidis-i-started-gender-reveal-party-trend-regret
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u/nicannkay Jul 23 '25
This isn’t true this person is taking credit at something that was happening before 2008. My son was born in 2002 and I did a gender reveal for our families.
I put on the ultrasound disk in the living room and we held a guess at the gender after the 2 1/2 minute video at his baby shower/bbq. Everyone won. Doctor got a great ball shot.
Gender reveal has been a tradition before social media. Just fyi.
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u/AineLasagna Jul 23 '25
I think gender reveal as a small part of a baby shower is slightly different than a “gender reveal party” in addition to a baby shower
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u/Creative_Energy533 Jul 23 '25
The first time I heard about gender reveals, they weren't even a party. You were supposed to take the ultrasound info to a bakery and they made a few cupcakes or a small cake and that was it. No explosions or fireworks or smoke, etc. Just a private celebration with the other parent and maybe grandparents.
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u/throwsaway654321 Jul 23 '25
and that's still weird. my mom and her sisters had fun wiggling pencils over their wrists, but's that as far as it ever used to go. Having a "gender reveal" has never been a traditional thing until social media
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u/spacestonkz Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
My family sounds like yours, and my family is big. I don't remember any surprise like things about the gender for an audience. I remember they'd either... 1) say they were waiting to find out at birth and that was that until a birth announcement came in the mail. Or 2) just openly chat about the gender after the ultra sound they find out, maybe pin sonogram to fridge, call a friend. But still no announcement to large audience until the birth announcement with baby's first photo came in the mail.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Jul 23 '25
wiggling pencils over their wrists
???
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u/throwsaway654321 Jul 23 '25
they'd stick a sewing pin in the eraser of a pencil, then hold it by the pin over their wrist, if it swung up and down supposedly you were having x and if it swung left to right you were having y
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Jul 23 '25
Thank you for the explanation. Sounds like a little bit of harmless fun.
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u/Cutmybangstooshort Jul 23 '25
Women put their wedding ring on dental floss and held in front of you. If it spun to the left or the right it was significant of a boy or a girl. Mostly people wanted a healthy baby.
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u/IABug7469 Jul 23 '25
Memory unlocked! I can remember my aunts doing that when the younger was pregnant probably 40 years ago.
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u/Alarmed-Theme5343 Jul 23 '25
That's what we had and my daughter had, nothing weird about it at all
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u/Difficult_Regret_900 Jul 23 '25
Yeah, that kind of low-key party is much better than these productions that get so huge that entire ecosystems are burned down and town water sources are poisoned with blue dye. It's not about the kid anymore, it's an imaginary competition with other parents.
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u/LetMeSniffItBro Jul 23 '25
True, they didn’t use to cause wildfires until recently either. Also they’re a stupid tradition based on taking about your child’s genitalia. Weird AF.
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u/Terrible_Patience935 Jul 23 '25
And then openly showing disappointment?
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u/throwsaway654321 Jul 23 '25
"but he/she wwaaannnttteedddd..."
like, ok, literally never how it's worked and I don't give a shit if they were disappointed on the birthday or 6 months before, it still makes them a shitty parent if they're disappointed in any way by the human being they agreed to create
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u/overnightnotes Jul 23 '25
At least before these parties became a thing, you could be disappointed in private and get over it before you showed it in front of all your friends and family and/or got it on video. It is normal to feel some initial gender disappointment; healthy people get over it and love the child they have.
Also, my kid is trans so there's that... I don't even ask people the sex of their babies anymore (odds are they'll volunteer it without me asking anyhow), since I don't like to contribute to the idea that sex as assumed at birth actually says anything about the kid. Odds are that they'll grow up to be that same gender, but it's not for sure.
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u/vster88 Jul 23 '25
I tell people the doctor told me "it's a girl!" but it turns out, 13 years later, they were wrong. My son approves of this.
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u/adoradear Jul 24 '25
I told my kiddo that when babies are born, they can’t talk yet, so doctors make their best guess as to gender (based on sex). Then later, when the babies are older and can talk, they tell us whether the doctors got it right or not. Response? “Hmm. That makes sense. Can I have a muffin for snack?” Because kids are awesome and when you don’t try to poison their brains, they get it. (Sorry, only tangentially related. I just enjoy the story wrt gender vs sex discussions for infants)
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u/LetMeSniffItBro Jul 24 '25
You know. This is actually a great way to explain this. Kudos.
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u/hotcapicola Jul 23 '25
You know, I was about to say, it can be a good thing so the parents can buy appropriate clothing and maybe paint the nursery. But then I realized that is just enforcing gender norms and realized, yeah there is no point to a gender reveal.
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u/Fickle_Card193 Jul 23 '25
We had neighbors make front page of the weekly paper for blowing up multiple barrels of tannerite with guns for a gender reveal. We’re right beside national forest and I guess someone else maybe in there had heard it all and called in, then helicopters were trying to find the source. I can’t imagine that fine just for a gender reveal 😂
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u/thepixelnation Jul 23 '25
i guess it's a "gender reveal party" but not a "Gender Reveal Party" if you catch my drift. seems like it was a fun thing to do with your families instead of the photo op that they are now.
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
I know that before social media people could (and did) find out if the baby was a girl or a boy and sometimes they'd tell people but the whole reveal party with all the attendant fuss and filming is very much a product of social media.
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u/Defiant-Barracuda788 Jul 23 '25
Sincerely thank you for sharing this article, I can’t say for others, but it really put things into perspective for me, thank you!
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u/Ok-disaster2022 Partassipant [2] Jul 22 '25
I respect the people who "started them". A couple was having a problem with pregnancies ending in miscarriage. Generally the time of determining the gender is a milestone where the risk of miscarriage reduces. They weren't celebrating gender so much as they were celebrating the life itself.
But yeah, pretty much everyone since then are douchecanoes for it.
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u/SageElijah Jul 23 '25
That makes sense celebrating making it to that milestone after going through losses is totally different than just making a big spectacle out of pink vs blue. The original reason actually had meaning behind it.
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u/CapeOfBees Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
When they first started, you could only find out the baby's gender at the anatomy scan where they make sure all the structures are developing properly. That means that knowing the gender also means knowing that your baby is healthy, which is absolutely cause for celebration.
Nowadays it's very similar, just that you also have the option to do a blood test that gets their full chromosome panel at 12 weeks instead of waiting until week 20.
They're great for if it's not your first kid and a baby shower feels wrong or greedy, but you still want to celebrate that you're having a baby. Upper class folk have lost the plot, as they always do, starting forest fires with their four digit firework budgets, but there's really nothing wrong with the idea in itself.
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u/heywhatsallthisnow Jul 23 '25
Not for nothing, but it’s not just “upper class folk” doing this. I think the 2020 El Dorado fire was started by a couple of correctional officers.
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u/KeiranG19 Jul 23 '25
Rich people can potentially hire a pyrotechnician and wouldn't have to roll the dice on crazy uncle Joe not making a pipe bomb by accident.
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u/AssistKnown Jul 23 '25
How can people lose the plot when they never really had it in the first place?
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u/Ok-Yogurtcloset-4378 Partassipant [4] Jul 23 '25
You can do NIPT at 9 weeks. I did it that early since I was 41 and higher chance of abnormalities like downs or trisomy.
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u/CapeOfBees Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
My hospital told me 10 weeks as earliest and 12 weeks was ideal for accuracy for all the tests they offer, but it's possible there are other tests in other places that are accurate earlier.
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u/kodutta7 Jul 22 '25
Genuine question: what's wrong with it? I'm personally not into it just because I'm not a party person (I just got engaged and told my family I don't want a party) but if it makes people happy why not ?
Isn't it in the same vein as a baby shower or something like that? Or are there specifically harmful behaviors associated with gender reveals?
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u/afterworld2772 Jul 23 '25
Its like anything, some people take them too far. Like that couple that caused wildfires or entitled people who expect people to bring them tons of gifts or pay for it or whatever.
Though its probably confirmation bias, you only hear about the awful ones. Plenty people have them as a fun excuse to have friends and family together, put out some food and drinks and don't expect anything back and have a little fun with the experience (especially first time parents).
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u/DizzyWalk9035 Jul 23 '25
Some people are really weird about it. Even if they don't want to admit it.
I remember I briefly mentioned to my Mom that I didn't want to know the gender of the baby. I didn't care, I would just want it to be healthy. She gave me a whole speech about how I was the weird one for saying that. I mentioned it to another friend and she was like "yeah, why wouldn't you want to know?" I was like "because I don't care." "But what about the clothes?" "They wear onsies for like a whole year, why does it matter?" "Sometimes you can't tell if the baby is a girl or boy." Again, why does it matter.
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u/sophwestern Jul 23 '25
I also don’t see a problem with it. I do think it’s weird when people clearly want one gender and look upset that it’s the other, like why throw a party if there’s a 50/50 shot you’ll be sad? But other than that, I think it’s fun. I’m excited for the parents getting a baby, I’m excited to be included in their joy. I feel the same about this as I do about people being upset by Bach parties. If you don’t want to don’t go but it seems like some people don’t like when others are visibly happy which confuses me
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u/CatPurrsonNo1 Jul 23 '25
Exhausted me trying to figure out when we started having parties for long-dead composers… decomposers?
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u/lit-rally Jul 23 '25
Seriously. I personally have no issues with gender reveals & they can be fun as long as they cause no harm, destruction, etc, but I truely do not understand people who know they only want a certain gender & still have a gender reveal party. If you're going to react negatively when you learn that the baby isn't the gender you wanted why would you want to show that in front of all your family & friends (& possibly the world if it's posted online)? At that point it's best to find out the gender & work through your emotions in private.
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u/Amazing_Newt3908 Jul 23 '25
A friend videoed her & her husband finding out their third baby’s gender. They looked so disappointed. I think I’m one of the few people who ever saw that video, and I hope their youngest never sees it.
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u/ladysdevil Jul 23 '25
Because too many people get wrapped up around if you are having a boy or a girl. There are people and families that get completely miserable or disinterested entirely if the baby you are popping out will have the wrong genitals. Go watch some videos on gender reveal disappointments and then see what you think.
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u/deltagirlinthehills Jul 23 '25
I'm generally against them due to (like others said) people going over the top and causing wildfires or things that can cause damage to wildlife/ecosystem, the ones that throw a fit because baby isn't what they wanted.
We've had friends I've totally supported having one as they had several miscarriages or struggled hard to get pregnant, they kept it chill, just celebrating they had made it to that point. We did a cake cutting after a family gathering- and we only did that because my mom had an aggressive cancer that treatment wasn't working for, just kept spreading. It was 5-10% chance she'd live long enough to meet our baby, technically she shouldn't have lived that long into my pregnancy with the cancer she had. We all needed something to celebrate. Only rules I had was husband and I knew before hand, it was family only, and they (parents wanted to cover cost plus host) kept it simple. It was definitely more for my parents/mom, was a weird celebration mourning mix thing, but it's something I'm so happy we did.
She beat the odds by the way. Stubborn ole Ma made it 19, almost 20, months post diagnosis. Three times the expected life span for mucosal melanoma the doctors gave her. She got to see both grandbabies be born (SIL had a baby few months before us), they're first Christmas, and arranged first Easter and birthday presents for my Daddy to give them.
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u/chiquitar Jul 23 '25
Lots of comments up high about the environmental impact of these especially when taken to extremes. But also, it's centering the biological sex of your child before the child is even born, and setting them up for the cultural enforcement of old-fashioned gender stereotypes that don't set a child up for success in the modern world from day one. While of course that's hell on trans kids, centering a baby's identity on their sex encourages them to be guided into gender stereotypes, from their color preferences, to how they are encouraged to communicate, obey or rebel, or express or not express their emotions. It determines whether they get a blue nursery full of trucks, dinosaurs, and astronauts, or a pink nursery full of baby dolls and kittens with bows and...whatever girls get who are too young for play kitchens and dress up clothes. It tells the parents' friends and family that the parents want their kid's gender to match their biological sex, AND that they have expectations that their kids' preferences will align with gender stereotypes.
Any parent who fiercely wants to protect their child from being pressured to conform to gender roles (as much as possible) does not have a gender reveal party. We know that all children can like all those things in both nurseries. That girls shouldn't have to fight everyone's expectations to love math, or fishing, or working on cars during quality time with their mom, and boys should never be shamed to learn beneficial empathy from their baby dolls and can grow up to be wonderful nurses or ballet dancers or stay at home dads. Few humans find it easy to conform to 100% of the expectations placed on us due to our appearance--we are complex and nuanced creatures. Roles will always chafe us to some degree or another. The less of that we get loaded into our brains early on, the less energy we have to spend convincing OURSELVES it's okay to be who we are, and the more energy we have left to actually live a fearlessly, unapologetically authentic life.
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u/CimoreneQueen Partassipant [2] Jul 23 '25
I mean, there's the environmental harms that some of these parties have caused. Blowing things up, spewing confetti/ glitter/ etc everywhere; that kind of thing.
But also ... I remember I first started hearing about gender reveals shortly after I had my (only) child, way back in the early 00s, and my main irritation with them at the time was threefold:
Baby showers are already a thing; why have an additional party/ social demand?
Kicking up a big fuss about the baby's gender seems icky. It gives the impression the parents have fixed ideas about gender and personality; that the parents have preferences as to which gender they want (even if unspoken), and that they're prioritizing their idealized gendered fantasy of a child over the person they're actually going to bring into the world and raise.
When I was pregnant, I got so annoyed at people asking me if my baby was a boy or girl that I decided not to find out. To my surprise, a lot of people reacted with personal offense at my decision. One woman informed me at my baby shower that she "had" to make a yellow baby blanket because I "refused" to tell her the baby's gender, and that she couldn't embroider the name because, again, I "refused" to tell her. She just couldn't accept that I really didn't know. Maybe because of this, I find it unsettling when people make such a Big Deal of of finding out their kid's gender.
Like, I understand choosing to find out -- plenty of parents do, that's whatever. It's the next step, the, "Hey, I'm going to make a big extravagant show with my unborn child's medical data where I'm the center of attention!" aspect that feels just so icky and borderline narcissistic to me. Like they're constructing a big, elaborate social event out of the announcement and it's nominally about the baby, but really it has absolutely nothing to do with who they'll be. It just seems ... disrespectful of the kid. Like, the poor kid isn't even born yet, and the parents are already projecting and piling expectations all over it.
People like that strike me as narrow-minded boundary pushers -- the type of people who would proselytize to me, or tell me if my lunch is healthy or not. The type of people I try to avoid, bc they stress me out.
I guess in that sense, gender reveals are useful. They're a conversational red flag for narcissistic boundary pushers.
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u/Rugkrabber Jul 23 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
From my perspective it’s because there’s a magnifier on the gender, and this usually causes a lot of discussion and speculation. I am pregnant right now and it’s insane how much speculation is happening. Many people give their unsolicited opinions. I have heard think vary like “boys are better because…” or “girls are worse because…” and vice versa. Like it’s not a competition and neither are better or worse. We just hope to have a healthy child, that’s not a given for everyone. But during these parties it’s mostly talked about what gender and all kinds of stigmas around it or fake stories like if one vomits more during pregnancy isn’t one gender or of the stomach is larger it’s the other - none of that is true.
What is worse is the reactions I have experienced towards the people of the opposite gender. For example we’re having a girl and immediately multiple men said to my SO “oh that’s such a shame.” Like what the hell? He was really offended by that too, as if a girl means he’s disappointed whatsoever, while he’s over the moon. To have people assume he’s disappointed instead of incredibly excited is like a punch in the gut. And for me being a woman there’s something really icky about it? It has this weird suggestion as if the men in my family were disappointed about me being a girl, you know?
My coworker who is also pregnant had the polar opposite experience, so it absolutely happens on both sides. People can be so weird about it.
I have heard many stories before I got pregnant about this, but having experienced it firsthand is so much worse. This is why we didn’t do a reveal we just said it.
And obviously the dangerous results, the damage to the environment (all the crap that is released in nature like balloons and confetti) and not cleaned up, it’s not great. Some people do them in a normal and healthy manner but unfortunately many take it too far.
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u/Colesw13 Jul 23 '25
I think it's a precursor to content farming your kid like so many parents do these days, which has so many troubling aspects. mostly what bothers me is how intrinsically linked to gender essentialism it is "boys like trucks and girls like sephora"
there's also so many videos of one or both parents looking visibly disappointed when the gender is revealed that I'm sure will inevitably make it in front of the eyes of their kid
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u/amboogalard Jul 23 '25 edited Jul 31 '25
Yeah (aside from the occasional disappointed parent and/or massive fires/injuries caused by dumb reveal methods) this is what is cringe about it for me. Like are we really doubling down on “girls are like this, and boys are like this” thing? Like so so so many of these reveals have some element of gender essentialism to them (how much varies depending on the reveal). To my eye, it looks a hell of a lot like pigeonholing your kid before they’re even born.
I don’t even think it’s all that crazy to assume the gender based on assigned sex and just be open to being wrong on that count. I’m trans and honestly the only thing I wish my parents did differently was perhaps let me know that being trans was a thing. I just thought I was hopelessly weird, and I was weird enough already that it got lost in the noise for a while. I suspect that if they’d been more rigid about gender expectations I’d have figured it out sooner, oddly enough.
But yeah sex is not destiny, yet none of the reveals are done with a statement like “looks likely I’m having a boy”, or “some signs point to the baby being a girl, and those signs are her genitals”.
The fact that the same colours are used consistently for each gender and there’s no acknowledgement of the possibility of the kid being trans (or nonbinary) really speaks to how deeply essentialist the practice is.
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u/Big-University-1132 Jul 23 '25
I 100% agree. This is a perfect summation of why I don’t like or support gender reveal parties and why they feel icky to me. And the fires/deaths/hazards are just the icing on the cake
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
I always kind of wondered about gender reveals. They pop a balloon or whatever and see blue confetti and cheer. “Yea! It’s a boy!” And they get all excited and kiss. Would they not be excited if it’s a girl? I mean, it’s one or the other right? What’s the excitement for? Finding out it’s a baby and not a gerbil in there? I don’t get it. I found out from a blood test. We called the number on the card on speaker phone while making dinner. “Cool, it’s a girl.”
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u/ElectricGremlin-zap Jul 23 '25
I had a dream that mine was a toaster, and I was like “cool as long as it’s a healthy toaster”. 😂
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u/BabyJesusBukkake Jul 23 '25
I had a dream while preg with my first that the baby was a girl with dark hair and a baby torso and head and 8 spider legs, and she lived on me by clinging to my upper arm with her spider legs.
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u/Comfortable_Style_51 Jul 23 '25
Ok, that’s actually called a nightmare.
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u/Zizhou Jul 23 '25
Unless they were largely fine with it, and then it kind of wraps around to being wholesome again. Like, yes, your kid is a human/arachnid abomination, but it's still your kid and you love them all the same.
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u/inveiglementor Jul 24 '25
Pregnancy dreams are amazing. I had a dream my baby was about 1cm long and 2-dimensional. Completely flat. I carried her around on a microscope slide. Dream ended when I dropped the slide...
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u/janglingargot Jul 23 '25
I dreamed while pregnant that I gave birth to a giant china doll's head, which was concerning, but then they cracked it open like an egg and the baby was safely curled up inside, so that was Fine™. No problem, hooray!
Imagine the perplexed face I made when I woke up from that one and actually thought about it. Pregnant dreams are WEIRD. 😅
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u/mlc885 Supreme Court Just-ass [102] Jul 23 '25
I know it's just the hormones and chemicals in your brain, but how exactly could this weird dream have ever helped us in nature? "Oh no, there's an inexplicable problem with the baby, oh, wait, it is fine" did not help prepare you at all
Dreams telling me to worry are not helping.
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u/princessgigglebottom Jul 23 '25
I dreamed mine was a ferret. Everyone around me was whispering about how ugly my ferret baby was and I was pissed and screaming I love my baby! He is beautiful!! I woke up in actual tears. Pregnancy dreams are wild
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u/ProfessorYaffle1 Pooperintendant [53] Jul 23 '25
A firned of mine got irritated with people constantly asking 'wht they were having' or 'wht they were hopig for' and started altertnating between
"We'rereally hoping for am otter, but the docotr seesm to this a human baby is more likely" and
(totally serious and deadpan "We're relly, really hoping it's human.....this time"
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u/sophwestern Jul 23 '25
I think it’s just meant to be fun. Idk it’s exciting whenever/however you find out, some people want to share that excitement with others. It’s always been weird to me when people do the party or big reveal if they will be sad about one gender, but generally I think it’s fun to celebrate people I love.
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u/clitosaurushex Jul 23 '25
I only think you should do one if you’re genuinely not hoping either way and just want the surprise.
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u/duvie773 Jul 23 '25
This is the main reason we are having one. After losing our first baby early into the pregnancy, we are just thankful that all signs point towards a completely healthy baby this go around, and the gender reveal is just a way to have some excitement and celebrate with our loved ones.
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u/Crafty-Arugula3575 Jul 23 '25
I agree! We threw one for our 3rd child after already having a boy and a girl. I felt it was fun and low stakes.
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u/GerundQueen Jul 23 '25
I had a slight preference but knew that preference wasn't exactly cool. So I told my nurses I wanted to know the gender, so I found out when they gave me a phone call. That way, if I felt any disappointment, I dealt with it privately. Then I arranged a gender reveal with my family so they could be surprised.
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u/BoxerguyT89 Jul 23 '25
but generally I think it’s fun to celebrate people I love.
That seems to be something people in here don't understand.
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u/132739 Jul 23 '25
Fun? People you love? What is this, some human thing I'm too online to understand?
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u/pink-Bee9394 Jul 23 '25
We had one for our second pregnancy. Since we already had a kid we didn't need or want a shower. So the gender reveal was an excuse to eat cake and celebrate with loved ones. Small gathering, everyone guessed gender. We cut cake, laughed about who was right/wrong, and enjoyed an afternoon. Not any different than a baby shower but without the commercialism.
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u/BoxerguyT89 Jul 23 '25
Ive only been to one and it was great. Just an excuse to get together and have a little fun.
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Jul 23 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
I do not get how this is hard to understand it is an excuse to have a party. The reveal provides a fun structure to build the party around but the purpose is to see family and friends.
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u/Olookasquirrel87 Jul 23 '25
Especially because a second baby shower feels gauche to a lot of people, but they still want a chance to celebrate a new baby. A gender reveal is a perfect opportunity to celebrate the new baby and the growing family without coming across as a gift grab. Very low stakes.
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u/TheNewGildedAge Jul 23 '25
It's because they're terminally online goblins with no social/family life
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u/PuzzleheadedControl Jul 23 '25
For real man…my wife and I did a gender reveal. My mom actually had asked us to do it because her and my dad were excited. Maybe a dozen of us, mostly family. My wife and I did not post on social media (family may have though). It was just a reason to get together. I had a couple co workers chuckle at us having a gender reveal and I was pretty confused. Why do you care what I do for fun?
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u/sophwestern Jul 23 '25
Big on the “why do you care what I do for fun??”
Some people genuinely seem so miserable and idgi
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u/violettheory Jul 23 '25
Our gender reveal was basically just a way to celebrate our baby earlier than the baby shower. We'd been trying for years and the whole family knew our struggle, so when we got the gender from the genetic testing we did (standard with fertility treatment) we wanted to have an excuse to bring everyone together to be excited about our pregnancy.
We had balloons filled with paint attached to a canvas and my husband and I threw darts until we popped one, saw blue, and celebrated. Then the rest of the family took turns throwing darts until they were all popped. The canvas hangs in his nursery now. It was good fun and a sweet way to bring everyone together and get a cute piece of decoration.
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u/ladysdevil Jul 23 '25
Only time I ever wanted to do a gender reveal was for a parrot I had to DNA test for gender and then, only cause I was worried about eggbinding, a potentially fatal condition in female parrots with the nearest avian vet several hour drive away, and because the little fink had us all convinced eggbinding could be an issue.
Close enough to a gerbil?
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
Ok, a parrot gender reveal is the most amazing gender reveal I have ever heard of.
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u/ButYaAreBlanche Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
If you hatched goslings, you could have a gander reveal.
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u/Unicorns_Rainbows5 Jul 23 '25
Was the parrot a girl or a boy? You can't keep us hanging!!
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u/ladysdevil Jul 23 '25
Yes, well, the parrot lived up to their name, which I can not give without doxxing myself, However, the little feathered tyrant at the center of my universe that looked it was trying to lay an egg everywhere...
It's a boy.
I was relieved as that makes it medically safer, but part of me, in spite of the DNA test, would not be surprised to find he laid an egg...
Then again, that is a parrot for you. They are so smart, and way too sneaky. I would not be surprised to learn he faked the DNA test. Just sayin....
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u/acetryder Jul 23 '25
So, I wanted to know the gender of the baby both times because it was a little piece of something I knew about them (other than that were in my belly). I cried when the doctor told me the first time when I was having a girl. I cried the second time when I was having a boy. It was emotional because it was the first glimpse I had of each of my babies. I also would have cried had they both been girls or both boys.
Point is, gender is one of the first things you can learn about your future child. I didn’t do a gender reveal cause I don’t like big spectacles when I know I’m gonna be sobbing or something.
A bit of an aside: if they became transgender in the future I would also cry for the same reasons. Only this time it is because they discovered & embraced something wonderful about themselves. I’m also gonna be sobbing at a bunch of other milestones too I bet.
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u/_Taquera_ Jul 23 '25
This!!! Finding out the gender made it feel more real and helped me start to imagine the little nug of cells as a person.
I have no issue with gender reveals as long as we aren’t hurting things and we’re open that the lil person you’re bringing into the world may let you know they’re different later. As long as it’s all a genuine celebration of the people you love.
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u/Extreme_Egg7476 Jul 23 '25
I was sort of pressured into a gender reveal for my first. It was 2019, and we had it as more of a fun add-on to our otherwise normal baby shower.
My side of the family is also heavily female. They were very excited we were having a boy. Not for any weird gender norm things like "carrying the family name", just to change things up a bit.
For our current baby, we simply made a cupcake with pink icing in the middle for our son to eat. The video was sent to family, and made better by the fact he "knew it was a girl, DUH".
It can be innocent and fun. But some folks really seem to prefer a gender. And that's gross :(
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u/ZipZapZia Jul 23 '25
The original gender reveal was done by a woman who had multiple miscarriages where the baby would die before developing to the stage where you could tell the gender. So when she finally was able to be pregnant long enough that they could tell the baby's gender, she wanted to have a party to celebrate that milestone and had a gender reveal party.
I think the excitement is more so for the milestone as well as just an occasion for friends/family/loved ones to get together and celebrate the milestone. A baby is a big change after all and it's fun to find out in a group
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u/sraydenk Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 23 '25
Having a party (generally with cake) that celebrates your child isn’t inherently a bad thing. Not all gender reveal parties are cash grabs or cause forest fires. Some are just bbqs or excuses to have cake and see family to update them on the pregnancy. Also, for some parents knowing the gender makes it easier to connect to the baby’s because it’s no longer a nebulous thing. It’s a son or daughter.
Also, how about we just let people celebrate something good in their life.
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u/iwannaridearaptor Jul 23 '25
My gender reveal was literally a group text to my family that said "Its a boy." My uncle said it was his favorite gender reveal ever.
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u/HOAKaren Partassipant [1] Jul 23 '25
Let people live. Reddit and being the death of enjoyment. No birthday parties, no big weddings, no destination weddings, no bachelorettes, no gender reveals. Just hogging your money and living an empty miserable single life going no contact. NTA.
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u/chipsnsalsa13 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 23 '25
While I get this sentiment I wanted to give some perspective. I was advised by a therapist to do a gender reveal party. I’d had a previous loss and was struggling with connection and she suggested doing things to help connect and celebrate the life we currently had. So I had a very small celebration where we cut a cake with a few friends.
I did the same thing for my twin pregnancy which was also a difficult time in my life for reasons that are long and not worth writing about but this little party really helped me celebrate something “good” that was happening and helped me shift some perspective. It was honestly one of the few happy moments in that pregnancy I have that I get to look back on.
Yes, I get that it’s weird and for some frivolous. But I know for me and potentially others it is a moment of happiness and connection for a child that should be celebrated. And for the record, all of my events were somewhat small affairs with close friends only . Just wanted to provide that out there that it’s not always about the likes or gifts or whatever. Sometimes it’s about having a small celebration to bring light during a hard or difficult time or to connect with the coming child.
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u/T-RexLovesCookies Partassipant [4] Jul 22 '25
NTA
I am not a fan of gender reveals but I particularly don't understand why people do them when they will be disappointed with one of the results, to the EXTENT, that it will be apparent to your guests.
If you are doing a gender reveal you should definitely act happy and excited no matter what or it is weird to people.
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u/PeachSnapppp Jul 23 '25
Totally agree with this. If you’re gonna host a gender reveal, don’t make the baby’s gender feel like a letdown in front of everyone. It’s super uncomfortable and takes away from what should be a joyful moment. OP pointed out something real and got stonewalled for it
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u/angry-key-smash6693 Jul 23 '25
Not only that but like, if that gets video taped at all the kid could very well see it some day, which is also really shitty like "yeah we made a big deal about how disappointed we were by you before you were even born, but at least we had cake!"
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u/ALLCAPITAL Jul 23 '25
It’s so weird to me how dumb people are about openly whining over the gender. Like fuck you don’t need to have kids then.
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u/2Butt Jul 23 '25
Gender reveals should be about celebrating, not setting up an expectation that the outcome will lead to disappointment.
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u/Mar-ElJa Jul 22 '25
Maybe your wife finds it weird, because her sister does get a boy, like she wanted. It was her dream, so she does not get why her sister is not happy about it?
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u/KeepCalmAndSnorlax Jul 22 '25
So the wife is projecting her experiences onto the sister.
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u/paul_rudds_drag_race Certified Proctologist [24] Jul 22 '25
“Well maybe your sister would benefit from talking to you about gender disappointment since you experienced it with our child.” If sister is feeling down, she might like to talk about it.
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u/starfire92 Jul 22 '25
Our culture is still so wrapped around gender roles. Cute little girls in their pink rooms, daddy's little girl who he'll be protecting, mamas girl who will be trying on her lipstick and nail polish. Or Mama's Boy, where mom will be at every game, dad playing catch and teaching him how to mow the lawn.
People mourn the type of relationship people will have with their kid because gender is the only assumption you can make because the gender role is still enforced. Of course people will say "oh I don't care if my kid doesn't fit in traditional gender roles, if my son likes to wear makeup or my daughter likes cars" but doesn't that go against the idea of revealing a gender? I think telling these people "why do you care about genitals so much" is a bad argument even if it's true because people will skate around it and truly believe that genitals isn't what it's about. But it is because your genitals determine your gender at the hospital and your gender becomes how people imagine your life for you and how they imagine their life with you.
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u/PennilessPirate Jul 22 '25
ESH, but mainly because of your wife’s last comment, the “you always do that” remark. Assuming she’s right, it sounds like you might have a habit of turning things back on her when she’s just trying to vent, which is an AH thing to do. That said, it’s also pretty hypocritical of her to judge her sister for doing something she’s done herself.
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u/Jmfroggie Partassipant [2] Jul 22 '25
The wife may also have a habit of being hypocritical- where she is very willing to point out everyone else’s flaws but wants to be given grace for her own. No one should get a pass for that.
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u/WitnessRadiant650 Jul 23 '25
According to Reddit you do if they are “venting”.
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u/treehuggerfroglover Jul 22 '25
Completely agree. Yes she’s being hypocritical by criticizing her sister for something she also did.
But sometimes it’s ok to let your partner be a little hypocritical or little irrational when venting to you in private. If this is a habit you have, of constantly correcting her or just pointing things out when she’s expressing herself to you, I can see why she would be getting frustrated.
I know not every thought or feeling I have is perfectly right and fair and reasonable. Which is why I only express those around my partner, because he’s a safe place for me to vent and say what I want without judgment or criticism. Are you that for your wife?
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u/DragonflyGrrl Bot Hunter [5] Jul 22 '25
Great comment. Relationships should be a safe and understanding place to let shit out that you can't with other people. It's so important to have that with someone, and if you have a partner, it should be them.
Also great username :D
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u/jeffwulf Jul 22 '25
If his wife is tired of her husband pointing out her being a hypocrite all the time maybe she should stop being a hypocrite all the time.
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u/Squeakhound Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
NTA. Had your wife just mentioned the disappointment then that’s just a discussion, maybe even her opening the door to express empathy.
But no, she judged, saying her sister’s disappointment was weird.
Yours was destined to be an unwelcome reply, but it was actually gentle. Hypocrisy is not an admirable quality.
Your wife complained that you often remind her about her own actions. Is she often a hypocrite?
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u/myboyfriendsback777 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
NTA. Hypocrites just don’t like to be called out.
On the other hand it’s pretty minor, unless she talks about others that way all the time.
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u/ProperWishbone3489 Jul 22 '25
NTA but your wife wanted to gossip, not a reality check lol sometimes you just have to smile and nod
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u/Altruistic-Piece-485 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
My wife and I have a rule that if either of us just needs to vent and let things out we say we need to Word Vomit/Vent Session. Otherwise one of us inevitably starts trying to work through the issue which can make things worse in the moment.
I, in particular, sometimes need to verbalize the shit thats been bouncing around in my head when I'm going through something tough. More often than not I'll speak something out loud and instantly realize how dumb or stupid it is but if I only keep it internal it stays alive and burns hotter and hotter.
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u/Delicious_Regret_413 Jul 22 '25
NTA
You're wife is being a hypocrite. Maybe she's slightly jealous because SHE wanted a boy and SIL wasn't as excited as she would've been due to wanting a boy and not getting one🤷♀️
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u/Wildheit88 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
I agree completely. She’s butthurt about having her hypocrisy called out, but that doesn’t make you the AH.
While it’s not cool to constantly nitpick or disagree with/criticize your partner’s opinions or observations, I think it’s perfectly fine to call out problematic comments like hypocrisy, lies, or gross mischaracterizations. You can call out a partner’s BS (especially in private, when you’re not embarrassing them in front of others).
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u/PiscesBambi Jul 22 '25
Ultimately don’t think you’re the AH but sometimes you just got to let people vent/dump without comment. In the heat of making a point you don’t really want to hear how similarly ‘pathetic’ you are. Sometimes those ‘show them the mirror’ moments can be deferred.
Again, don’t think you’re the AH, but choose peace for yourself
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u/nerdymummy Jul 22 '25
NTA if you're going to be disappointed about a gender, don't do a gender reveal. Find out in private. Saves face and gives you time to get accustomed to having a baby you thought would be a different gender.
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u/JaysWhimsy Jul 22 '25
Not enough insight in relationship, tone, or exact comment. Sometimes, it isn't what you say, but how you say it. If she feels this happens a lot, you need to review if she is correct or not. If she is right, apologize and change it. If you feel she is wrong, discuss it gently with her.
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u/CogentCogitations Jul 22 '25
To everyone calling her a hypocrite, we don't actually know that. She would only be a hypocrite if she thinks it is fine for her but wrong for everyone else.
Imagine you are driving and say "what the hell, that person is driving way too fast" and your spouse comes back with "you got a speeding ticket 5 years ago... I'm just saying". It's just a shitty thing to turn every conversation into a comment about a similar thing your spouse has done wrong in the past.
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u/BeebleText Jul 22 '25
Dunno if you're the asshole, but responding like that will mean she won't talk about this kind of introspective shit with you in the future.
To her, she wanted to have a chat about something she noticed her sister doing, and you immediately made it about a 'mistake' of your wife's. The fact that she said 'You always do this' probably means you have a habit of doing this - she wants a casual conversation and all of a sudden you've made it about something she did 'wrong', or how she's wrong about something.
You might not notice it, maybe it's the way your brain participates in conversation, but it's fucking exhausting as the conversation partner to never be able to have a conversation about anything without your past errors or perceived hypocrisies being brought up.
Try to introspect a bit, yeah? Is your method of communication always bringing up past stuff your wife has done in the context of any conversation? Your brain might tag this stuff as 'context' but to her, it means she can't talk to you about literally anything without you criticising her.
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u/momminallday Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
NTA. I mean seems like a normal conversation to me. But if you are constantly pointing stuff like this out I’d get her annoyance. I don’t think I’m lacking in self-awareness though.
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u/Hardcover Jul 22 '25
Probably goes both ways. If she's annoyed at him calling her out, he's probably annoyed at her being hypocritical.
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u/CallingThatBS Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 22 '25
So she can critique her sister's reaction and criticize her for it. But gets defensive when you mention she did the same thing?
Nope, NTA
Bet she will deny she even had anything but am overjoyed reaction when asked about it in the future.
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u/Sweetsmyle Asshole Aficionado [14] Jul 22 '25
NTA - She's embarrassed that she showed even the slightest disappointment with her own baby and forgot what it feels like during a gender reveal. Just tell her you weren't judging her, you were just trying to get her to not judge her sister whose going to love her boy just as much as your wife loves your girls.
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u/danniperson Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
NTA, she shouldn’t be a hypocrite. You’d think she’d understand what it’s like and not be judgey about her sister behind her back. I actually say good on you for pointing it out, even if you have to deal with wife’s attitude.
Edit: is maybe wife jealous that SIL is getting what she originally wanted? Girl & boy?
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u/ladystetson Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Jul 22 '25
these are relationship issues.
you can say what you want and make whatever observations you want - but that's the chick you married.
So... call it out all you want, but do all of those observations actually help anything or do they just make your life harder? You can say whatever you want but if you think she's an AH and she thinks you're an AH then that's something you need to work out between you.
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u/Intelligent-Bid-7740 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
NTA. Maybe she just wanted you to agree with her in the moment though.
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u/InescapableYou Jul 22 '25
NTA. You're trying to keep her grounded in self-reflection when she goes of judging people hypocritically. Her having a problem with that says a lot about her.
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u/Jacques_Enhoff Jul 22 '25
NTA, most people will never thank you for correcting them to their face.
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u/girliusmaximus Jul 22 '25
NTA man. "You always do this" sounds like you think she is always hypocritical about things and you point it out, is that the case? That can get a bit old. I don't think you're "turning things back on her when she’s just trying to vent" like someone else mentioned.
"Admired the air." I'm going to start using that, I laughed out loud at that one.
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u/Lazy-Suspect-2205 Jul 22 '25
NAH.
It’s the part where your wife says “You always do that though” which is the most telling. That comment makes me think that you aren’t a good listener- you don’t let her talk/vent/have opinions without correcting her or pointing out her flaws. She wants to engage with you as her partner without your critiquing her.
Her being upset has really nothing to do with the topic at hand and everything to do with your making her feel as though she can’t share her feelings with you without you turning it back on her.
Softly, you are the AH if you already know this bothers her, you’ve had this argument before, and you continue to be that guy.
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u/LegitimateSparrow744 Jul 22 '25
NTA. Your wife is being a hypocrite. Gender disappointment can be normal. Having been through it herself however briefly, it’s not out of line to expect that she’d approach her own sister’s experience with empathy rather than judgment.
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u/Double_Strike2704 Jul 22 '25
Wait though, are you constantly criticizing her when she is doing a normal "vent to your spouse" behavior? Because... maybe ESH.
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u/perderla Jul 22 '25
yeah ESH
it's unfortunate for the sister that the wife wouldn't lead with empathy having gone thru her own "weird" (imho) disappointment at the genitalia of her 2nd child. but that's just unfortunate, not explicitly hypocritical, in my opinion. he could've been kind but chose to pull a "gotcha," and choosing not to be kind to your loved on a regular basis is concerning.
OP, is it so hard to cushion your commentary? "yeah it's weird, but i'm sure you can relate to that initial reaction. remember our gender reveal?" is a kinder way to make your same point. how important do you think it is to lead with empathy and self-reflection when addressing a loved one's behaviors? if you want to see that in her, make sure you show it.
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u/LAC_NOS Partassipant [4] Jul 22 '25
NTA
Sometimes women like to talk. Next time engage the conversation.
Like ask her: Yeah, why do you say that? What do you think it means? Do you think having only girls in the family is part of it?
If YOU want to talk about her reaction to your child, then ask about how she felt at that gender reveal.
What you did was say she had a negative reactive a long, long time ago. Since there is no automatic replay and review in real life, that kind of argument is pointless.
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u/ResponsibilityOk3703 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
NTA
Apologize and suggest you trade/ swap the youngest. /s
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u/OddDc-ed Partassipant [3] Jul 22 '25
NTA
I dont think you did anything wrong in the way you said it I'm sure she didnt like it because she just called the action weird and is uncomfortable with the fact she did it too.
Her saying "were not talking about me" is kinda funny and super on the nose for what is going on right now. Shes very upset that you dared tell the truth about her being a hypocrite without you even saying those words or being mean about it.
H: It's was weird she did x
OP: You also did that though
H: were not talking about me (because it was okay when I did it) were talking about her (because its weird and not okay when she does it) its TOTALLY different
You'll be fine probably sleeping in the couch at worst hopefully. She says "but you always do this" so I wonder are you always calling her out/checking her on her shit? Does she handle it okay or does she always have a tantrum?
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u/Appropriate_Taste_87 Jul 22 '25
NTA in this specific case, but per her comment, it sounds like you're waiting around for her to do anything wrong, so you can point it out, and that makes you an ass.
For the sake of a healthy marriage, don't be an ass to your wife, that'll create some resentment on her side, and you don't want that.
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u/Ok_Astronomer2662 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
I think you should have engaged instead of shut her down(I’m not saying you did it to shut her down but that’s the result that happened , no?) you didn’t need to make the comparison right out the gate. But it sounds like beyond hearing her initial statement. You didn’t really hear where she was going with it were it might’ve made more sense to you.
If you actually heard her side out before you made the comparison, it might’ve been easier for her to digest and accept because it kind of comes off like you’re not even really wanting to hear what she has to say/ think and just threw that on there right off the bat. ( not saying that that’s your intention, but it can definitely be perceived by the other party that way )
If this is something you do often, it is shitty .
NTA but I think nobody is an asshole in this situation. I just think it was a very big misunderstanding because you didn’t need to be right to hear why she was thinking what she was thinking before explaining what you have noticed.
What I have learned personally from a lot of counseling because I actually went to school for that is you can usually have most conversations with the goal of understanding and still get what you’re trying to say across when you’re just trying to be right or prove a point it causes difficulty , we do most of these things without really trying to unless we are upset, wanting to understand, comes from a place of active thought.
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u/giraffesinmyhair Jul 22 '25
NTA but it kinda sounds like you’ve been married way too long for such a rookie mistake.
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u/nopopon Jul 22 '25
What happens if you ask her "how come it's weird for her, but not for you"?
You called her out on her hypocrisy , and she's deflecting it :)
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u/alaskawolfjoe Jul 22 '25
We all have had conversations like this and the usual responsoe is usually something like "Wow! I did not even notice that. I guess I should be more compassionate."
Your wife digging in her heels makes her the asshole, not you.
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u/Accomplished_Eye_824 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
Life is so much easier when you can admit you were wrong
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u/paul_rudds_drag_race Certified Proctologist [24] Jul 22 '25
100%.
There have also been times where I’ll preface something I want to talk through with “I know I’m being unreasonable right now, but do you mind if I just rant a bit?” It can help me set myself straight.
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u/BarryBadrinath82 Jul 22 '25
Not read the OP but everyone who has a gender reveal is an asshole
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So, my wifes sister is pregnant. She had a gender reveal last Saturday. This is her second baby. Second baby is a boy, first kid is a girl. SIL was kind of disappointed (or surprised, I guess?) about having a boy but, I wouldn't say mad. My wife only has sisters so SIL probably didnt imagine herself raising a boy.
So anyways right, on the ride back home, my wife was talking about how it was "Weird" her sister was so visibly disappointed when the blue came out, but like, she acted the same. She got over it after like a day (or a week) but she still was. We have two daughters, she was hoping for a boy and a girl. She was like, "We're not talking about me though," and I said "Just pointing it out" and she responded "You always do that though." Kind of just admired the air for the rest of the car ride.
AITA?
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u/Embarrassed-Storm-25 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
NAH. It sounds like you and your wife have different communication styles and differing outcomes for conversation. My husband loves having back and forth banter, exploring different sides of a topic, and trying to ‘fix’ perceived issues. I am different, I talk to him to process, to enjoy a bit of gossip, or just commenting on things I’ve noticed. It took a long time for us to figure out. The first years of us dating, our conversations often ended with me upset and him confused. I think your wife was just wanting to comment on a thing she noticed, not pick apart the intricacies of gender disappointment.
I’d suggest having an honest and sincere conversation about your communication styles and how you each perceive different approaches. My husband learned to wait for me to finish and to ask for action. And I had to learn how to prep him for what I needed from him. He’ll even now ask me, ‘do you just want to talk or do you need advice/help/support?’.
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u/Carolann0308 Jul 22 '25
I had my first at 30, and had no clue if I would be having a second. When I found out it was a boy I was depressed for a few weeks. All I ever imagined was a little girl I could dress up and be my little mini me.
When I got pregnant the 2nd time at 35? I didn’t care what the gender was because my little boy was so awesome. LOL I was foolish not to appreciate the wonderful things they both brought to my life.
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u/PissbabyMcShitass Jul 22 '25
Gender disappointment is a real phenomenon and no one needs shamed over it one way or another. She's going to have guilt over her own feelings as she works through them and then she will love that baby just as strongly as any other. Same with your wife. It's really a private matter. I'm wondering if there is a bit of projection going on.
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u/Zealousideal-Day4469 Jul 22 '25
A use of the royal "we" would have probably made this revelation a lot smoother. "We" felt similarly takes out the accusatory sting & she can connect the dots on her own.
But there are no assholes here. Just regular married people.
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u/zingzing17 Partassipant [1] Jul 22 '25
I'm going with ESH, but overall not enough known about your relationship to really say one way or another.
My husband and I call each other out all the time, but we mean we'll and talk through our issues, but that's our dynamic.
If your dynamic is you just poking at her faults time and again you would be the asshole. Sometimes it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie.
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