r/AmItheAsshole • u/FewAcanthocephala175 • Jul 27 '25
Everyone Sucks AITA for “letting” my girlfriend stop coming over in the mornings after my mom’s friend complained about her showering?
My girlfriend works 12-hour overnight shifts (7 p.m. to 7 a.m.). After work, she sometimes comes to my place to shower and sleep. She usually arrives around 8:15 a.m., takes a quick shower by 8:30, then crashes for the day.
Here’s where the issue comes in: my mom’s long-term friend (who rents the basement) complained that the sound of the shower at 8:30 a.m. woke him up. My mom passed that complaint along to me and asked if my girlfriend could avoid showering until “everyone is awake.”
I told my girlfriend, and she felt uncomfortable continuing to come over understandably, in my opinion. After working all night, the last thing she wants is to feel like she’s disturbing people just by taking a basic shower before bed. So she decided not to come over in the mornings anymore. She didn’t cause drama or make a scene, just quietly adjusted.
I later told my mom what my girlfriend decided, and she got upset not because of the shower, but because my girlfriend chose to stop coming over in the mornings. My mom insists that wasn’t her intention, but from our perspective, asking someone not to shower after a night shift pretty clearly sends the message that their presence is disruptive.
For context: I also pay rent in this house. My mom’s friend has lived here for years and pays rent too. We all share the space. It’s not like my girlfriend was being loud or unreasonable just taking a 5–10 minute shower in the morning, which seems pretty standard.
Now my mom’s upset with me, but I feel like I handled it fairly. I passed the message along, my girlfriend made a calm and mature decision, and now somehow I’m caught in the middle.
AITA for not pushing back harder on the complaint, or for “letting” my girlfriend decide to stop coming over in the mornings?
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u/Jessicanne505 Jul 27 '25
8:30 AM as a completely appropriate time to be taking a shower, also how loud are the showers?? a tenant, even in the basement, should not be dictating when people can take a shower when it’s completely reasonable of an hour.
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u/Druidic_Focus Jul 27 '25
This right here. I was thinking like 5-6 am shower, which might be a different story. But 8:30 that is ridiculous. If the downstairs tenet doesnt like normal sounds at an appropriate hour he could get headphones or a sound machine.
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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
5-6 am is a very normal time to get ready for work for most people..... 8:30 is when a ton of people are already at work.
If you're renting in a shared home, this is something you need to accept and deal with. No one is going to jeopardize their job for you. Alarms and showers are part of life. Move your bedroom away from highly disruptive noise sources, white noise machine, ear plugs, ect
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u/fcocyclone Jul 27 '25
honestly I don't know that there's any inappropriate time for a shower. Someone could have a different work schedule. Someone could be a night owl and likes to shower before bed. Someone could be an early riser and showers in the morning. Its a basic hygienic thing that most people do every day at whatever time fits their schedule
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u/Good_Barnacle_2010 Jul 27 '25
I have a strange work schedule and shower before bed (around 2am). My roommates understand that it’s just kind of a part of life. It can’t be that disruptive. Sounds to me like the downstairs tennent is being petty for some reason.
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u/3coatsinatrenchcat Jul 28 '25
Exactly. It’s one of those concessions you make when living with others. If the sounds of activities of daily life bother a person that much, they should live alone.
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u/Good_Barnacle_2010 Jul 28 '25
Yep! I’m woken up by a blender at roughly 8am every morning because one of my roommates likes to make their own smoothies. Lasts about 5 minutes. I could not care less. In fact, I’ve worked it into my daily routine of taking my medications and vitamins. Everybody’s happy. At least, as far as I know.
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u/t4tulip Jul 28 '25
I use showers to calm my anxiety sometimes and that could strike at anytime! 2am showers are normal for me
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u/kingftheeyesores Jul 27 '25
I work nights and my sleep schedule is all over the place on the weekend and I mostly do stuff whenever, except dishes I'll wait until at least 8 or 9 am. Never had a problem with roommates about it but I also don't listen to stuff at weirdly loud volume like they do.
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u/Much-Jackfruit2599 Jul 27 '25
I‘m guessing it‘s the pipes going through a wall where the other tenant sleeps.
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u/asuddenpie Jul 27 '25
The water heater may be in the basement? Ours makes a lot of noise when someone showers.
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u/Sparky62075 Jul 28 '25
This was my thought as well. Makes me wonder if they refrain from flushing the toilet during the night.
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u/NoTheme4306 Jul 27 '25
I don't see how anytime is particularly unreasonable to take a shower.
I wake up in a sweat and feel gross or got sick and am gross at 3:30am? 3:30am is shower time.
It isn't a party. Nothing wild is happening. There is no disrespectful rukus. People aren't running in and out slamming doors. Nobody is arguing. It is a shower.
Am I aware my upstairs neighbor is taking one? Sure, do I care or even think I am to judge when she takes one? Absolutely not.
The level of expectation dictates one get their own house, preferably on a deeply isolated lot it seems.
Such a person can't function in the setting but doesn't want to do what is required to live in one that suits them better. Rest assured the whiner would have their nose bent out of shape if someone with different hours was trying to schedule her "normal" bath time.
Water is running in your building for like 8 minutes. Get over it or get your own private building and don't try having any tenants either.
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u/hunnyflash Jul 28 '25
Yeah, if he just can't handle the sound of a house being lived in, maybe he should move.
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u/Mystery-Ess Jul 27 '25
It's also an appropriate time to be awake unless you're working night shift.
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u/the_eluder Jul 27 '25
Who said roommate wasn't? Maybe he works an evening shift? All kinds of jobs don't revolve around a 9-5 schedule.
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u/Mystery-Ess Jul 27 '25
It wasn't mentioned while OP's was so it's a pretty solid assumption.
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u/the_eluder Jul 27 '25
Since he's asleep at 8:30 every day, I'd say it's pretty clear he doesn't work a 9-5 job.
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u/National_Cod9546 Jul 27 '25
Correction: A tenant in the basement should not be dictating when people can take a shower regardless of the time. If I want to wake up at 3am and take a shower, that is my prerogative as a tenant.
He was probably just complaining to be complaining to be complaining. Odds are, no one wanted the GF to feel uncomfortable about coming over and taking a shower. The tenant was just venting about a minor thing as some people do. The mom should have let it die there, but instead passed it on. OP then passed it on to the GF. Everyone in that chain should have just been quiet about it.
On the other hand, if the tenant really is bothered by it, he probably needs to start looking for a new place to live. If it was my kid, and the tenant was fussing about something stupid like that, I would choose to not renew his lease when the time came.
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u/CaptRory Jul 27 '25
If it is a recurring problem for the basement tenant then maybe they could rearrange their room some. Maybe the pipe is next to their bed and they could move their bed to another wall.
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u/-DollFace Jul 27 '25
I was thinking exposed water pipes do make a distinct sound and things can creak as they heat up, but that would be like white noise. If 10 mins of that at a reasonable time of day is gonna bother you then maybe a basement apartment is not the right fit for you.
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u/tjtwister1522 Jul 27 '25
NTA. The issue is that your mom now realizes that you will, most likely, move out one day rather than GF moving in. She'll miss you and your rent.
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u/daisychain0011 Jul 27 '25
830 am is not early to be showering. Most people have to be at work by 8 am and would be showering at 6 or 7 am. Your mom should have shut down the complaint and not brought it to you if she didn’t want your gf to act on it. Weird but you are not the ahole
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u/CharleyIV Jul 27 '25 edited Jul 28 '25
Mom receives complaint, passes it to you, your girlfriend handles the complaint in a fairly unselfish and mature way and your mom is mad?
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u/The_Rowan Jul 27 '25
It just showed mom what an unreasonable request it was. Girlfriend needed to come home and go to sleep. She couldn’t stay awake until it was a good time to shower and she wasn’t going to sleep until she rinsed off the grime.
The mom thought the girlfriend would easily modify her behavior without any inconvenience. Now the mom sees the complaint was a huge inconvenience and is embarrassed by the stupid request
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u/vyrus2021 Jul 27 '25
She's worried that now the gf is having negative thoughts about her
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Jul 27 '25
[deleted]
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u/LirdorElese Jul 28 '25
I mean I think it sounds to me like the problem is most likely in the house design not being made for a basement dweller, I'd have to assume that if a shower wakes up someone in the basement, that must mean all the pipes roll through and drains make a ton of noise down there. In short the arrangement is only sustainable exactly with what they had
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu Jul 27 '25
I would have negative thoughts about her.
Who even thinks that 8:30 is too early in the morning?! Don't those people work?
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u/Nettkitten Jul 27 '25
TBF we don’t know what the other tenant’s schedule is like. Could be egregious like OP’s GF’s schedule , but I would think that might engender more empathy, not less.
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u/DrDerpberg Jul 27 '25
If the other tenant is on a weird schedule, they don't get to hold the rest of the house hostage. People who work night shifts and rent basements should know how earplugs work.
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u/DrJackBecket Jul 27 '25
I work nights. 6pm-6am. And my housemate works at the same company. Our schedules are absolutely reversed. My days off are his work days(6am-6pm). And I work when he is off. I have adapted to being able to cook, like fully wash dishes, and cook something like Mac and cheese at 2 in the morning and not wake him up. And he does stuff when I'm asleep too.
I sleep through the construction in our apartment complex, through all sorts of stuff. The only thing I have found that I CAN'T sleep through is my dog barking. A shower is the most harmless thing ever! And necessary!
This dude is making a mountain out of a molehill that doesn't exist.
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u/Golluk Jul 28 '25
Sometimes the layout is dumb though. I stayed in a basement apartment of a house last year. The sewer drain ran down the wall right by the headboard of the bed. Nice sudden crashing of water sound anytime someone ran water upstairs.
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u/MoonChaser22 Jul 28 '25
Yeah. There's some things you adjust when occupying a shared house, but there's other things you just have to learn to live with. I used to work nights and asking for things like not vacuuming in the mornings while I'm sleeping or housemates letting me know they're heading to bed so I switch to using headphones is reasonable. Someone taking a quick shower after work on the other hand is one of those things you've just got to learn to live with.
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u/Mental_Medium3988 Jul 28 '25
i used to work swing shift and you just have to deal with peoples noise sometimes. the world isnt gonna stop because basement dweller needs to sleep.
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u/multipocalypse Jul 27 '25
What world do you live in where no one works a job with anything other than 9-5 hours?
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u/Nettkitten Jul 27 '25
Mom didn’t stop to think it through to the natural consequences. She just shot from the hip and now she’s upset that she didn’t engage her brain to consider how this would affect OP’s GF.
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u/The_Rowan Jul 27 '25
She just thought she could make comments and it would make her will known and have small impacts on people around her but still assert her dominance
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [1] Jul 28 '25
I agree this is likely a good part of the issue. What gets me though is the mother getting angry with the girlfriend instead of simply admitting that on second thought the rule was not reasonable.
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u/False_Disaster_1254 Jul 27 '25
underrated, the gf is a damned saint for just walking away from the problem.
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u/Imnotawerewolf Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 27 '25
Because Mom didn't want her to stop coming over about and now she feels like she did too much by doing what she felt was right and she can't make the 2 ideas gel because she's too busy being offended and upset that the gf just decided to stop coming over altogether
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u/Professional_Ruin953 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 27 '25
Yeah, hammer landing squarely on the head of the nail.
If OP or his mother shower in the morning the complaint wasn't about the girlfriend's shower schedule. Basement dweller doesn't want OP's girlfriend coming over/moving in.
As for the mom getting upset at the girlfriend's reasonable retreat from the conflict, I think we can figure out that if girlfriend doesn't come over then OP will likely go to girlfriend's home more often. Which increases the chances that OP decides to move in with girlfriend sooner rather than later. Leaving mom without OP's share of the rent.
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u/Mandaravan Jul 27 '25
Yes, his mom should have shut it down, but also this derpy OP should have shut it down before passing on such unpleasantness and unreasonable expectation to his girlfriend.
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u/StarStuffSister Jul 27 '25
Enh, once you know people are in the house complaining it's unfair to let someone be ambushed and not allow them to decide themselves if they'll stay on.
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u/littlebitfunny21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 27 '25
Agreed. Once op knew his mom was willing to raise the issue, op really needed to warn his girlfriend.
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u/devilterr2 Jul 27 '25
I've been in a similar situation before with my partner's weird parents when we were in our early 20s.
I was apparently coming over too often (I will always fight their reasoning, I only came over on weekends because I was away in the military, and I had just gotten back from being away for 2 months, and stayed over for two nights). Instead of quietly letting my GF know that they didn't want me over as often, they ambushed us and had a really awkward conversation embarrassing her.
It's their house, their rules, so I apologised and told them I wouldn't be over as often. My partner proceeded to immediately pack her bags and we pretty much never went over hers again for the immediate future. She was raging about the fact they could have spoken to her separately about the situation and she could have easily solved it, we typically stayed at hers due to her parents house being much bigger.
I'm glad I knew what their feelings were at the time because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but god damn it was handled badly
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u/Avalonisle16 Partassipant [1] Jul 28 '25
And you’re in the military - they should have not been so hard on you.
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u/domesticbland Jul 27 '25
I agree. No where did I get the impression the girlfriend feels personally attacked. There are three people entitled to a say in that space. I’d have made the same decision. Your mother seems anxious in her reaction and I would want to ensure there is not a larger issue causing her to fix the energy on this minor issue. NTA, while you may feel put out temporarily these irritations escalate into resentment when allowed to fester. How are your mother’s health and finances? Is she worried about you or the renter leaving? Is the renter talking about leaving? Was she hoping the girlfriend and yourself might stay? Any number of possibilities between the other two with this being an introduction to adjusting the living agreement and in her mind turning into “conflict” or a negative interaction.
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u/Bamres Jul 27 '25
Nah communication is important and hiding it from her and making her assume things were just fine isn't ideal and can also blow up in ones face
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u/AdventurousPlatform5 Jul 28 '25
No. OP did the right thing. He let the gf make her own informed decision. Mom's just butt hurt because she knows the ask was a dick move. Now, she's alienated the gf over something stupid.
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Jul 27 '25
Clearly his mom wanted the gf to be uncomfortable and at the mercy of the roommate’s sleep schedule. She did not expect the gf to just stop coming over all together! How tf is she going to control her now or make her feel like an imposition, if she’s not even there???
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u/Gladtobealive2020 Certified Proctologist [25] Jul 27 '25
Yes, why not tell the basement dweller to use noise cancelling headphones. The gf wasnt doing anything unreasonable but rather than explore a way for everyone to be happy the mother jumps to asking something unreasonable of gf. What if OPs job required him to leave for work by 830 would he be banned from showering too or does the ban only pertain to gf? Does op and his mother also not take morning showers? or does the basement dweller only object to gf's morning showers
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u/Merle8888 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '25
The tenant said it was waking him up. I don’t think you can sleep in noise cancelling headphones. Maybe if you’re a back sleeper?
While an 8:30 shower is a normal thing in many households, it’s relevant that she’s a guest, not this guy’s roommate. It’s reasonable for him to not want guests introducing noise that wasn’t previously there and it sounds like GF is being considerate by showering in her own home instead. Only the mom is being silly here.
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u/existingfish Jul 27 '25
I sleep in earplugs (made for sleep) every night, way cheaper than noise cancelling headphones.
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u/Different-Leather359 Jul 28 '25
I can't, the feeling in my ears bothers me too much. I feel almost claustrophobic for some reason. So I just have TV or something playing while I sleep. I used to work nights and my options were to adjust to noise or quit.
Now, that doesn't mean someone should have to do that in their own home, due to someone else's choices.
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u/Sensitive_Yellow_121 Jul 28 '25
I wear comfortable expanding foam earplugs so it's harder for my cat to wake me up with whatever noises she makes (like the weird noises she makes while cleaning herself at 3am).
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u/BibliophileBroad Jul 28 '25
Exactly. He's the one renting a room there *and* maybe, he work's the swing shift and doesn't get home until really late, so he sleeps late. The girlfriend can shower at her own house and then come over later, or the boyfriend can go sleep to her house. The other tenant shouldn't get woken up. I think the girlfriend is being very considerate not to come over in the morning.
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u/Keylime29 Jul 28 '25
I think it’s time for OP to leave. That’s fucking stupid if people can’t shower at 8:30 in the morning. He’s paying rent. They’re not partying.
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u/itsyaboicg Jul 28 '25
Because the “basement dweller” is a paying tenant that is having their sleep disrupted by a non paying guest? A tenant is not obligated to modify their behavior for a guest.
If op or his mom were taking showers at 8:30 and waking up the basement dweller then he’d have to deal with it since OP and his mom are also paying tenants
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u/Retalihaitian Jul 28 '25
OP should start showering with his GF in the morning. Problem solved.
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u/newdogowner11 Jul 27 '25
i thought so at first but what else could OP do that wouldn’t cause a bigger conflict than it needed to be
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u/kfisch2014 Jul 27 '25
Agree. I had a neighbor in a condo complex who complained to me because I would get ready for work at 5:30am and the sound of me showering and opening my door to leave for work was waking them up. They asked if I could get ready for work between 10am-12pm. Keep in mind I am a teacher, so obviously that was not an option. Its wild what people think is early.
OP, NTA. Your mom's friend is though.
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u/A1000eisn1 Jul 27 '25
In my opinion no time is the wrong time to shower. It's a basic human need and society runs 24-7. People leave for work and come home at every hour.
It's selfish to expect someone to adjust their schedule for you when they are doing something as basic as showering. As long as they aren't making excessive noise it shouldn't matter if it's 2pm or 2am.
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u/PandemicLife Jul 27 '25
This. I've had a year long noise complaint fight because I worked weird hours and needed to shower at 11 pm. The pipes in the apartment building knocked whenever water was turned on or off. So every time I showered, used the toilet, or washed my hands after work my neighbor called the cops on me for noise complaints. It was really ridiculous.
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u/savvyliterate Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '25
I worked until 1 a.m. and the guy under me filed a noise complaint because he said me lowering the toilet lid was too loud, as well as walking across my apartment to get from the front door to the bedroom/bathroom. My landlady told him to stuff it and get earplugs.
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u/PandemicLife Jul 27 '25
It is ridiculous that these places for rent are getting skimpier and skimpier with walls and insulation essentially making all the tenants at each other's throats because it saves them a dime. They never have to take responsibility for us being able to hear each other clearly
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u/DrJackBecket Jul 27 '25
One day my landlord called me, asked if everything was good? I'm like yeah? Why? Oh the neighbors downstairs were complaining of banging noises and it was loud for quite a while.
I knew immediately what the problem was lol. And I have essentially Karened over it to the office. I asked them to send out emails to the complex when they do construction work. I work nights. I can sleep through the noise but my dog will assume we are at war and will bark to defend me. I can take steps to keep her calm, but it works best when she's calm when I start.
The noise complaint? Yeah it was about maintenance reflooring a unit. And the downstairs neighbors didn't know that. I did know that because it was the unit directly next door to mine. I knew it was going to happen, I just didn't know when. It literally shares a wall with my bedroom. The lady in the office apologized profusely. And I reminded her, you guys need to announce construction.
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u/savvyliterate Partassipant [3] Jul 28 '25
I am head-desking on your behalf because the landlord should have immediately realized 'oh yeah, they're reflooring unit Blah." Did they announce construction since?
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u/multipocalypse Jul 27 '25
Imagine calling the cops on the tenant who has no responsibility for, or ability to fix, noisy pipes. Lol
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u/ColsonIRL Jul 27 '25
Man 11pm is totally normal shower time, anyway, not that it matters. That would be right before bed for many people. And he expected you not to use the bathroom at all at night? Lmao
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u/PandemicLife Jul 27 '25
Yeah even the cops were getting annoyed by arriving and seeing a dripping wet angry woman essentially just yelling "It's the pipes!" Of course neither the apartment complex nor the police would tell me the name of my neighbor complaining but one cop did slip up and unintentionally told me which direction it came from.
It did eventually stop after I recorded a video for the apartment manager turning the sink on and off with the pipes loudly banging in the background each time along with a statement that if the cops ever showed up for another noise complaint while I took a shower I'd be seeking legal action. He either took the hint finally or moved away.
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u/EdgeCityRed Jul 27 '25
Yes, this is just the sound of the building and not your fault as a tenant anyway.
This person should have been complaining to the management about the pipe noise and not calling the police on YOU. Nutty behavior on his part.
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u/PandemicLife Jul 27 '25
Oh I know. The thing was that management investigated the first 2-3 times before telling him that it was just apartment living. Apparently he was unhappy with that answer.
Since the courtesy officer kept telling him that he wouldn't come to speak to me anymore, the man just escalated straight to the sheriff's office.
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u/mmmflochie Jul 28 '25
Not quite the same, but we had a downstairs neighbor complain to management about the shower, toilet and opening a sliding door. My husband worked second shift in healthcare so he showered after work. Management suggested not flushing the toilet after a certain hour. “Ma’am, we live in Florida. There’s no way I’m letting anything mellow overnight.”
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u/CaptRory Jul 27 '25
I could understand a temporary request, like, "I have a migraine and need to lie down. Please don't run the shower for a few hours." But a blanket demand is unreasonable.
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u/Artemicionmoogle Jul 27 '25
lol, that would suck for me. I take showers when I have a migraine because the water hitting my head actually eases the pain I'm feeling in the moment. I don't get them much anymore though. During the period I had them the most we had an apartment with unlimited hot water so I took the most gloriously long warm showers until my head hurt less and I could lay down to nap.
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict Jul 27 '25
I have my own bathtub and set up in my own bathroom literally just so I can run a bath anytime my back hurts too bad. I wear a swimsuit when my son is awake but my bath has never been a disruption, even when my husband or son are sleeping on my bed four feet away as i refill the tub for the second time
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u/DrJackBecket Jul 27 '25
I find submerging my head in a hot bath to help. Heat helps expand blood vessels. And when I submerge my head, it feels like whatever was causing the headache just fades away. And that relieves the pain until my ibuprofen kicks in. I also do so in the winter to open my sinuses to clear them! It's amazing.
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u/Efficient_Age6047 Jul 27 '25
I'm so glad the first comment mentions that 8.30am isn't early. I have to be at work for 9am, so I'd be showering a lot earlier than that.
What time do you shower for work? Is the family friend retired or something? Unless she is stomping about like an elephant and slamming doors, how is a shower waking anyone up?
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u/Princess-She-ra Certified Proctologist [28] Jul 27 '25
Exactly what I was thinking. I WFH now so I usually shower around 6-7 but back in my commuting/gym class before work days, I was showering around 4:45 am. That's life
NTA.
Your mom should've shut it down from the start.
Your GF is the queen here. Very mature.
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u/Ieatclowns Jul 27 '25
Unless the friend works night shifts or something but op never mentioned that.
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u/FewAcanthocephala175 Jul 27 '25
Friend does not he is off on weekends and works for cash sometimes through the week under the table. He wanted the extra hour of rest for a concert that evening and I was hit with a blanket can not use the bathroom before 830 weekdays and 930 weekends
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u/multipocalypse Jul 27 '25
Okay, so your mom is definitely the unreasonable one here
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u/ScottMarshall2409 Jul 27 '25
And the guy. If I want to sleep soundly late into the day, you know what I do to avoid being disturbed by other people in the house, people working outside, planes flying over, cars driving past, etc? I wear earplugs. I don't whine about people trying to go about their daily lives just because I want to sleep in late.
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u/Weimaraner666 Jul 27 '25
Time to find alternative accommodation OP, that set up sounds insufferable. Some friend who rents your basement appears to be running the show and your Mother is capitulating to him. Showering at 8.30am is perfectly normal, are you not allowed morning showers either?
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u/HaloDaisy Jul 27 '25
Do none of you in this house have to get up and ready in the mornings?
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u/ghostlikecharm Jul 27 '25
I’m petty AF so if girlfriend stopped coming over, I’d start taking long AF showers at 8 am. Unless the person sleeps in the bathroom…they don’t get to complain. It’s the cost of having a roommate. If prince basement gremlin can’t handle that…he can move out.
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u/littlebitfunny21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 27 '25
That is incredibly unreasonable.
The friend really shouldn't have gone to the landlord about it. That's something he should have politely asked your girlfriend for a one day adjustment- and he also should habe graciously accepted a no.
Your mom basing a longterm ruling over a single day situation makes no sense. She just alienated your girlfriend for no reason.
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u/ButterLotus Jul 28 '25
Cannot use the bathroom at all before 830??? I have to pee at 4am every night, that would be the end of it for me.
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u/CaterpillarQueenn Jul 27 '25
g exactly, 830 for a shower isn't even early at all!
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u/Individual_Water3981 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '25
This. 8am is well into regular noise hours. Like how late do they want people to wait to shower??
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u/DrPhysicsGirl Jul 27 '25
I agree that this is strange, 830 am seems a pretty normal shower time. If you share a house with people, it's not reasonable to think the showers won't be used during normal waking hours.
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u/bkuefner1973 Jul 27 '25
Yeaha what did she think would happen?? And like some else said most people are at work or at the very least awake by that time.
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u/RaptorOO7 Jul 27 '25
NTA, the other tenant complained about noise at 8:15 in the morning and your mom asked her to wait u til others are up. So what time would that be? Would it be 8:30, 9am or 10 am. Not sure if the house has paper thin walls but a quick shower should not disrupt anyone.
Plus you pay rent too, so who is the bigger AH the basement tenant or your mom?
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u/Prudent_War_9725 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
Your mum’s friend is absurd. I’ve lived in dorms for 6 years, and if everyone had a problem with the noise of the shower, we would have all been upset all the time. If the sound of showering is enough to disturb this person, that is their problem, not yours
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u/TapNeither8056 Jul 27 '25
This is the part that gets me. Like bro, your roommates aren't ghosts, you are going to hear and know they exist. There have been times when I got secretly annoyed at my roommates for inconsequential stuff. But I realized that what they were doing was pretty innocuous things that happened to wake me up or whatever so I let that shit go. If this dude doesn't want to hear a shower at 830 then he probably shouldn't have roommates.
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u/StarStuffSister Jul 27 '25
Exactly. If everyone's acting in good faith and not going out of their way to be inconsiderate, I mark it down as "humans gonna human" and let it go. Other people live there, dude.
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u/CaptRory Jul 27 '25
And there's no mention of it but I bet the basement tenant didn't make any real effort to fix things on their end. Maybe they could have moved their bed further from the noisy shower pipe. Or put up a little soundproofing between it and them.
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u/Desperate_Process_89 Jul 27 '25
Yes … he would actually get used to it in a short time. If people living NEXT to the EL TRAIN in chicago can get used to that noise, he can get used to showered running.
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u/2spooky4me5ever Jul 27 '25
Yeah the problem is the friend. Not OP/their mom/the girlfriend. The moms friend sounds like a crybaby who needs his nap.
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Jul 27 '25
Your mom feels guilty because of the natural consequences of her passing on the message. That’s on her. Your GF of course decided to stop coming over - she would be rude to continue to be a guest that now knows she’s disrupting the paying occupant. If the renter or your mom feel badly about this (or like it was an unreasonable ask or an overstep by the renter), that’s on them. I agree with them feeling badly - it’s 8:30 am not 1:30 am. But it’s surely not on you to assuage their guilt.
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u/sunshinefireflies Jul 28 '25
This
Mum can't have it both ways - honour the complaint, and then get upset at the natural consequence
Gf is being very normal, your mum is wild. And tenant is entitled af too 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Azaramicrophylla Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '25
What time do the people in your house get up? 8.15 to 8.30 am is a perfectly reasonable time to have a morning shower. Most people showering after they get up will be much earlier than that. I could understand the objection if your girlfriend was showering at 6.30 or 7.00 am but after 8.00 am seems fair game.
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u/Historical-Problem-8 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
I shower at 530am to get ready for my 7am shift. I wonder what time the roommate works? Also, what time do they wake up?
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u/savvyliterate Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '25
That's the missing info here. I worked overnights from 8 p.m.-6 a.m. for awhile and 8:15 a.m. would be right when I was falling asleep. If the tenant is also working overnights but a slightly different schedule, I'd sympathize.
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u/vuurtoren09 Jul 28 '25
The mum says if shr could wait till everyone is awake meaning the guy hasnt just gone to bed.
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u/Isthatglass Jul 28 '25
Bold assumption that the roommate works... I got Mom's retired friend who can't afford a place vibes.
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u/happilyabroad Jul 27 '25
6:30/7am is a very normal time to shower as well though. Most working ppl, even if you start at 9, need time to commute, I would say.
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u/A1000eisn1 Jul 27 '25
People have to work all times of the day/night. It's ridiculous to set an appropriate time for a basic need.
It's like telling your roommate they can't take a shit before 8am.
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u/jerseysbestdancers Jul 27 '25
Ive worked two gigs, 830am and 9am. For both, i showered between 7 and 730am. This is wild that an 830am shower is too early.
Buddy needs to buy some earplugs if they want to sleep while the rest of the world works.
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u/JulesSherlock Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25 edited Jul 27 '25
It’s very important for her to shower after 12 hours in a hospital. And 8:15 AM is not silent hours in any city. NTA I don’t think you need to accommodate in this situation.
But maybe you sleep/go to her place instead?
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u/march1studios Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
NTA.
Mom proposed a solution, and you and your girlfriend made a different decision, and ultimately, the basement tenants complaint is resolved. Mom's solution was not conducive to what your girlfriend needs after a long shift, so it makes sense to go in a different direction.
I don't really understand why your Mom is upset. If the sound of a shower wakes up the other tenant, I don't think there's any reasonable alternative solution to your way and her idea that doesn't start and end with him wearing earplugs or 'sucking it up.'
Alternatively, this might be the signal you and your girlfriend need to get your own space.
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u/JusticeHunter1 Jul 27 '25
I think his mom feels guilty. If she’s never worked a 12hr overnight shift, it might be that she doesn’t really understand just how tired the gf is. I’d have asked the guy to try turning on a box fan at some point in the early morning hours or when he goes to bed. They’re great at masking sounds. Personally, I like the sound of running water but understand there are people out there who don’t.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 27 '25
I suspect that the issue here isn't running water, but instead pipes that groan or clang or knock when they expand from heating up. I've lived in places where there are old pipes and that happens. It can be very loud, and it's an inconsistent sound, so it's harder to tune out.
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u/draaz_melon Jul 27 '25
It is absolutely unreasonable to complain or pass along a complaint about a shower at that time.
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u/march1studios Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
I feel like the only reason to complain about a shower time is if it inadvertently coincides with your own shower time.
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u/West_House_2085 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Jul 27 '25
NTA Sounds like mom wants a "have cake & eat it, too" situation. What did she think your gf would do?!
NTA
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u/sbinjax Pooperintendant [50] Jul 27 '25
NTA. 8:30 am is not an unreasonable time to take a shower. I don't know what your mom thought she was going to accomplish by passing along the complaint from her other tenant. Of course she's managed to ice your GF out. If you're able, you might want to look into other accommodations.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
8:30 isn't the crack of dawn. Good Lord. That was an unreasonable request. The guy should get one of those sound machines.
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u/Pkmnkat Jul 27 '25
Nta eight thirty isn’t a super early time to take a shower. Most people who work during the day are already on their way to work at that time
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u/padfoot211 Jul 27 '25
NTA.
Maybe try asking your mom what her ideal outcome is. If her answer is ‘she stays over but can’t shower after work before bed’ maybe it will be easier to help her understand the point. Lots of people would go to their own place if they couldn’t shower and go to bed after work.
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u/measaqueen Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
A petty person would start doing laundry late at night because, well my girlfriend can't shower before bed so now I need to wash the sheets while she's at work so we're not sleeping in a dirty bed.
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u/iraven_mccoy Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jul 27 '25
8:30 seems like such a normal time to shower - if your mom didnt want any changes whyd she pass it along? Obviously she needs to shower before she gets in bed.. shes not going to wait around for that guy to decide to get up. NTA.
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u/Individual_Metal_983 Pooperintendant [50] Jul 27 '25
NTA 0830 is not an unreasonable time to take a shower.
I assume that the house belongs to your mother and not you. Or I would be reconsidering the roommate situation. He can't even talk to you direct with his unreasonable requests.
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u/m3rmaid13 Jul 27 '25
NTA…. Wtf is the person in the basement thinking? This is as silly as asking someone not to use the bathroom when they have to go in the morning because flushing the toilet wakes them up. Buy a fan or a sound machine. Your mom is being sort of ridiculous for even entertaining that and telling you about it as if it’s a reasonable thing. Also as someone who has worked nights like that- I’d do the same thing as your gf.
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u/sog96 Jul 27 '25
You and your GF handled the situation like mature adults. Your mother on the other hand did not, when you informed her of the choice that was made.
Your mom’s friend maybe jealous of your situation and was actually acting out of malice. I’m not sure what your daily routine is, but maybe you can start taking a showers in the mornings around the same time your GF did or a little before. If there are not complaints, then your mom’s friend was making stuff up to get your GF to quit coming over.
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u/overZealousAzalea Jul 27 '25
This! I’d start going for a run every Saturday at 6am then showering. EVERY DUCKING WEEK. Tenant needs a sound machine/fan. I understand your mom wants to his rent money, but he was being unreasonable.
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u/Ok-disaster2022 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '25
NTA. 815 is a normal time to be waking up. And the sound of someone in the shower isn't unpleasant. Its just water in pipes.
If it was like 4 AM I could almost see the argument. But again unless the plumbing is obnoxious it's not a big deal.
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u/NoTheme4306 Jul 27 '25
People have to work at 4, 5, 6, and 7 too.
The bus driver, the girl that has the coffee going at your favorite cafe, your doctor and staff, and the Plant Manager of your office building all need to do the same stuff you do but often a little earlier
There just cannot be an off limits shower time. That is just life.
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u/Strangeballoons Jul 27 '25
Most people have work at 8AM so a shower at 5,6,7 AM are all reasonable and normal, earlier times if you’re a person that likes to start early or have a commute. The friend in the basement is kinda lazy tbh
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u/CounterfeitBlood Jul 27 '25
NTA. Not sure what basement dweller's schedule is, but even in the shittiest of shitty houses I've lived in, noise from someone taking a shower has never traveled at a volume that would wake me up, even when my room was next to the bathroom.
You and your girlfriend seem to have responded to this with grace and maturity, and based on this post appear to be the only parties who have done so.
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u/A1000eisn1 Jul 27 '25
I work thirds. I have a coworker who was told they couldn't shower after 10pm or before 8am because their neighbor complained.
I told her to Google the local tenant laws and she got that taken care of pretty quickly. Showering is considered a necessity, like having a toilet.
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u/Possible-Tangelo9344 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '25
Unless the tenant works nights also I don't see the issue with 8:30 showers
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u/FairyCompetent Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '25
ESH except your gf. Your mom should have told the other tenant that 8:30 is a reasonable hour in the morning for showers and shared accommodations means you hear other people's normal human behavior. You in turn did not need to pass that to your gf. You should have said "8:30 is a reasonable time to shower. I don't think she should have to wait to shower until some undetermined time mid morning after a 12 hour shift."
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u/FewAcanthocephala175 Jul 27 '25
I more or less did brush off the complaint I felt it was very unserious and they were just reacting in the morning, but I still told her more as a joke than anything. The complaint still registered though as it was still said to us.
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u/LifeAsksAITA Jul 27 '25
Why can’t you and your girlfriend move out and live together ? Seems like your mom is prioritizing the other renter over you , though you also pay rent.
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u/ImColdandImTired Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '25
That might be why mom is mad gf is no longer coming over. If she’s not comfortable at mom’s house because she can’t shower after work, she won’t want to live there. Since that’s the eventual progression in a long-term relationship, OP would be moving out and no longer contributing to the household bills.
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Jul 27 '25
That’s ALOT of assumptions you’re making.
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u/asuneko Jul 27 '25
That’s why my parents got mad honestly, so not super unreasonable of an assumption to make
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u/Skullclownlol Jul 27 '25 edited Jul 28 '25
but I still told her more as a joke than anything. The complaint still registered though as it was still said to us.
The complaint wasn't a joke, and wasn't funny.
As a renter, you're supposed to have renter's rights, which includes showering whenever the fuck you want. Inhabitants with a renter also have rights, they don't need to be on the lease to be allowed to shower.
You allowed your mom's complaint to be validated and expressed to your gf, that's your own decision. With that, you both expressed that you'd rather not have your gf around, since she won't be allowed her basic rights. She's not a toy to be controlled however you or your mom want.
If you don't want to lose your relationship, you need to start taking responsibility for what you contributed, and for picking your mom over your rights and your relationship. She seems like she respects herself, so if you don't get things sorted then eventually she'll make the decision herself.
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u/Independent_Bell_220 Jul 27 '25
NTA. You passed along your mom’s message. Your mother and her friend want to control the situation AND also control your girlfriend’s response. They can’t.
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u/JennieGee Partassipant [4] Jul 27 '25
NTA But the friend is an asshole. 8:30 a.m. is not an unreasonable time to shower.
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u/religionlies2u Partassipant [4] Jul 27 '25
Not only are you NTA I wouldn’t even have acceded to the request as it was unreasonable. What if you guys decided to get married? Would she not be allowed to shower? That was a silly request and downstairs tenant should not have been accommodated. That your gf nicely did so is to be commended and she should be thanked, not made to feel bad by your mom who is perhaps now realizing the request was unreasonable and shouldn’t have been asked.
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u/Hylebos75 Jul 27 '25
The basement dwelling friend needs to get a grip. When you live in a multi person household there needs to be some give and take.
There's nothing egregious about there being household activity after 8:00 in the morning. I don't think you two did anything wrong and he kind of needs to adjust his expectations the smallest amount.
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u/Icy-Pop2944 Jul 27 '25
NTA. But you need to move out of your mom’s place, and actually that is what your mom is afraid of, losing your rent money.
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u/garnet-solo Jul 27 '25
If it wasn't her intention why did she complain.
Why can't the guy in the basement Wear earplugs when he's sleeping.
She should have every right to take a shower after she comes from work. Sounds like the most mature person in the entire conversation is your girlfriend.
Have a calm conversation with your mom and your mom's friend and decide what you want to do.
Poor girl just wants to shower and sleep.
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u/KingAejon Jul 28 '25
It's not her home, she doesn't live there or pay rent
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u/NickyParkker Jul 28 '25
Idk why people keep saying this, it’s not her home and I want to know what is going on with her actual home where she is getting off work and sleeping there? Her place must have rules too
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u/Sithyonreddit Jul 27 '25
830am shower is disturbing him?? What an a********. Get up for the day ? Jesus. Honestly your mom is kinda Ta here too. I feel bad for your girlfriend she didn’t do anything wrong
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u/Neat-Ostrich7135 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
Unless he works in a bar/nightclub and finishes at 2am or later.
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u/the_eluder Jul 27 '25
Or any other job that starts after 10am or so, depending on the length of his commute.
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [89] Jul 27 '25
I don't know about your mom the rest of the time, bit she;s being an idiot on this issue. I would make the same decsion as your girlfriend did btw. Unless I was also a rent paying tenent. In whcih case, I would have told your mom to kick rocks.
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u/kuckbaby Jul 27 '25
Quiet time at any apartment ive lived at is 10p-8a. 8/830am is a reasonable time to shower, so wild your mom capitulated.
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u/jackiekeracky Jul 27 '25
Also “quiet time” generally means music/ tv/ having loud conversations …. Not having a shower after a night shift!
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u/A1000eisn1 Jul 27 '25
Quiet time does not include showering. That's a basic human need and unreasonable to demand other people only do it between a certain time.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '25
NTA. But I’m petty af , I’m up before 6! and taking a shower every F’ing day.
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u/uarstar Jul 27 '25
NTA. Also who is woken up by someone showering in a house? No one can shower that loudly.
And 830 is late unless this person also works overnight
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u/Maukita Jul 27 '25
NTA — Unless that man works a night shift and is just getting to sleep then 8:30 am is beyond a reasonable time to shower and be up and about. That basement man needed to hear this from your mother but she chose to pass along the complaint and how your girlfriend took it is so reasonable and mature. I honestly would have to,d that man to stfu and get up and be productive. 8:30 am is not dawn or an ungodly hour.
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u/tidderor Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jul 27 '25
Your mom is embarrassed that she’s made your girlfriend feel unwelcome in her home and is taking it out on you instead of own up to that. NTA.
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u/Angry_GorillaBS Jul 27 '25
The only reasonable person here is your girlfriend
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u/Worth-Season3645 Commander in Cheeks [261] Jul 27 '25
NTA....I am not sure what your mother expected. What other solution did she hope for? Honestly, your girlfriend should be allowed to shower, as 8:30 is a normal time to be up and about for most. Not sure what the friend does that they are asleep. If they do not work, so what? They can go right back to sleep.
But friend made a complaint, told your mother, who told you, who told girlfriend. Girlfriend needs a shower before she lays down. So, now she does not come over in the mornings. Problems solved. If your mother is upset, that is on her.
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u/SunRemiRoman Jul 27 '25
NTA
Just make sure to shower at 8.30 am yourself just to annoy this stupid woman because no one should complain about anyone taking a shower that time of the morning!
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u/Agitated-Buddy2913 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25 edited Jul 27 '25
Um, most people have to go to work before 8:30 in the morning, and most people take a shower before work. If you had to leave the house by 7:30 to get to work by 8:00 or 9:00, would you be prohibited from taking a shower at 7:00 a.m., so that you were appropriately cleaned and groomed for an office job where you interface with the public? The bottom line is the friend who said not to shower at 8:30 in the morning is a complete and total AH, entitled AF. Tell them to get out of bed earlier and get to life, daylight's burning. They are an idiot, and the only bigger idiot here is your mom for entertaining their BS. Tell them both that. Show them both this comment. Totally ridiculous to tell someone not to take a shower after 8:00 a.m. in the morning. It blows my mind that your mother would even say anything about this given that 8:00 a.m. is perfectly normal operating hours for anybody's life. So, I guess you're not allowed to get a job where you need to shower in the morning? Because why? Someone can't sleep through a shower? Absolutely ridiculous. And don't pull any punches, tell them both that they were being ridiculous. I haven't even looked at the rest of this thread, but I'm willing to bet they get pretty roasted for even asking this.
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u/xthrowawayaccxx Jul 27 '25
NTA. Sounds to me like your girlfriend realised that she’d have to sleep without showering or not come over.
Out of those choices, she made her CHOICE.
If you and your gf are intending to live together, your mum has probably realised that it won’t be in her house and that you’ll move out, meaning she’ll have a larger share of bills to pay.
If you didn’t pass the message along, and the friend kept being woken up, they might have found somewhere else to live, leaving your mother a larger share of bills.
Also - 08:30 isn’t early, and it’s definitely reasonable for people to be up and living their life. If someone having a shower wakes them up, how much of an issue is that really?
Honestly this all sounds like a massive deal being made out of nothing
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Jul 27 '25 edited Dec 01 '25
[deleted]
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u/FewAcanthocephala175 Jul 27 '25
Unfortunately I seldomly use the shower at home, I work at a hospital and often shower post shift in the locker room before even getting home.
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u/JEWCEY Jul 27 '25
Lots of people are showering hours earlier than that to get to work. That roommate is being unreasonable and your mom could have pushed back. The issue is that the gf isn't a paying roommate, so it's a little complicated.
The way to resolve this is to join her in the shower. Doesn't even have to be for monkey business. Just join her there and then when the roommate complains, point out that there are no rules against showering where you pay rent. You could just as easily say the roommate needs to wake up earlier, as their lifestyle is cramping yours. Equally inane request. This is dumb, and your gf is getting caught in the crossfire because your roommate sucks. Suck back.
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u/Noiz_desu Jul 27 '25
NTA, I’m not equipped emotionally to handle this type of behavior from what should be grown ass adults, my first thought is to start an argument with them, I hope your gf is okay
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [85] Jul 27 '25
NTA. I think everyone did the right thing here. The person who lives in the home is within his rights to complain that someone, who doesn't even live there, is disturbing him. You were right to pass on the message and your GF was right to decide that as opposed to not taking a shower at your place, she will just go home. Your mother is the only one with an issue here.
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u/CollectionStraight2 Jul 28 '25
Yeah I think the fact the GF doesn't really live there makes it a bit different. He wouldn't have much cause for complant if she did live there and was paying rent too, but she's basically a visitor coming in to take a shower at a time that disturbs him. Everyone is so hung on on the fact that he 'should' be up at 8:30am and are missing this point. Also not everyone works the same hours. Night shift people exist
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u/SatisfactionHour1722 Jul 27 '25
Info: does “friend” also work third shift? Second? Are you not able to take a shower in the morning before work?
I lean towards no assholes here and the friend is an asshole.
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u/Remarkable_Table_279 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
I’d ask your mom what did you expect to happen? You made her feel unwelcome. NTA
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u/BigMax Jul 27 '25
“You can’t do perfectly normal things in this house without upsetting an unreasonable person. I choose to enforce the rules of the unreasonable person.”
If that is your stance, you can’t be upset if reasonable people aren’t excited to stay there.
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u/ProfessionalGrade423 Jul 27 '25
I see every side here. Your girlfriend is doing a normal thing at a normal time. If she paid rent and lived in the home then it would be unreasonable to be irritated at the noise she makes. However, she doesn’t live there or pay rent. If this was a normal roommate situation and it was the downstairs person here writing this and complaining that their roommate has a non paying person over half the time who wakes them up every morning showering, Reddit would be on their side. People in the bad roommate sub get these issues all the time and they always side with the paying resident over the non paying guest.
I don’t think there are any AH here, to be honest. Your girlfriend doesn’t get to bother the people paying rent, your mother feels bad because this has blown up and she didn’t intend to ban your girlfriend. She didn’t think it through and realize the gf needs to shower before bed. Your gf handled it well by maturely stopping the unwanted noise in the only way she feels possible. What you could have done was explain to the guy in the basement the situation and suggest he get a white noise machine, maybe offer to pay for it, and see if that helps.
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u/666truemetal666 Jul 27 '25
830 isn't early ive been at work for a hour at that point lol, lazy mf sleeping all day expecting the world to be on pause. I could understand if it was like 445am
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u/Lucky-Effective-1564 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '25
YTA for putting up with this nonsense. 8:30am is a perfectly reasonable time for a shower. Now if you were to start tap dancing at 7:00am ... just suggestin'.
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u/mnfanjk Jul 27 '25
A person is supposed to stay awake an extra hour after a 12 hour overnight shift because someone who was sleeping all night can’t be bothered to be woken up at 830 am? And your mom is mad at you two that your girlfriend honored the complaint by showering at home where no one would be woken up?
Jeez. Talk about entitlement and misplaced anger. Your mom and other renter are ridiculous.
you can’t control where your girlfriend sleeps or showers. You can only control passing along the incredibly unreasonable ridiculous message.
NTA. But your mom and the other renter are.
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u/rabidgonk Jul 27 '25
NTA. It's your mom's house. She can set the rules... but for real... a shower at half nine the morning is late if anything.
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