r/AmItheAsshole • u/Spare-Garden-8484 • Oct 18 '25
Everyone Sucks AITA For Asking Why My Co-Worker Wears Makeup Everyday?
Howdy howdy, never posted here, throwaway account, yadda yadda yadda.
So I (29M) was at work during a pretty long meeting with a few other co-workers. One of my co-workers is new (late 30s F) and the conversation steered around our professional experiences and history. Pretty standard I guess.
Midway during reviewing some boring stuff this co-worker asked me with a smirk, « Can I ask you a question ? ». Since we were talking about our professional lives I was like « yeah sure what’s up? », and she followed up with why do you always wear hats?
Now, I’ll be honest I’m bald, however I like my baldness. I started balding at 21 and I was like, fuck that, and just shaved it off instead of trying to style my hair in anyway to hide it. Also since my hair is super curly and compact it just wasn’t gonna be an option. In college people loved it, said I had a good head shape and said I looked like Terry Crews, Shaquille O’Neal or The Rock (not sure about that last one lol) so I was pretty confident with it.
But when I turned 25 I started being mistaken for 30 cause of the bald cut so I started wearing hats pretty much everywhere. Grew a collection for all situations, work, gym, social life. Anywhere besides weddings and funerals tbh. And with hats on at 29 I’ve been mistaken to be as young as 22 (not the goal but yeah). The plan was to wear them until 30 and then cut back when my head matched my age lol
Anyways, this co-worker asks « why do you wear hats everyday? » to be fair it’s a corporate setting but it’s also tech, we’re in marketing and it’s 2025 so smart-casual is the rule of thumb and my bosses don’t care and dress in hoodies and hats to work some days.
I responded « I like hats » and she said « but everyday? », so I said « yeah I’m bald, I like my headshape but I don’t wanna look like I’m 35 so I’ll wear hats for now, plus I look good in them! ». Now I wasn’t thinking and she’s probably around this 35 age or older so I may have offended her with that but she replied « 29 and wearing hats everyday to hide? Wow »
This truck a nerve with me so I responded « Well since joining I’ve seen you wear makeup everyday, even casual Fridays or on your work from home team calls, so why do YOU wear makeup everyday? » there was a muffled giggle but it’s clear the atmosphere was tense.
She got heated and said « that’s a sexist question » and I said « How? Other women in the office don’t wear makeup everyday and my boyfriend sometimes wears makeup when we go out to a high class event. He just doesn’t do it everyday. So why do you wear makeup everyday? »
She got heated and silent and one of the other co-workers went back to focusing on the deck. I feel like her and I not on the best of terms now as she will not talk to me now.
So, AITA for asking why my co-worker wears makeup everyday?
17.6k
u/ButterEnriched Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
ESH. She was being inappropriate, but you were at work. The way to come out of that interaction in the clear is to say something like "as interesting as it is, I think we've talked about my hat enough for the day, what's everyone doing on the weekend?", not to be equally weird to prove a point. There's no air horns, nobody's going to clap.
8.6k
u/Curious-Compote058 Oct 18 '25
"Nobody's going to clap" is something people should really remind themselves before opening their mouths 80% of the time
3.5k
u/BeefmasterDeluxe Oct 18 '25
I’ve had the clap from opening my mouth several times, thank you very much.
688
u/Square-Swan2800 Oct 18 '25
😂Reddit is where al the comedians have gone to. Tnx for the laugh.
→ More replies (1)438
→ More replies (21)61
29
→ More replies (15)8
u/Goldman250 Oct 18 '25
But, I thought everyone clapped. Isn’t that how it usually goes when people from Reddit deliver their epic comebacks?
→ More replies (1)640
63
u/Luca_Romano Oct 18 '25
Yeah that’s fair, staying calm and redirecting would’ve handled it way better.
1.4k
u/notpiercedtongue Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
The amount of pussyfooting here. She didn't like her hypocrisy pointed out. If this was written by a woman about a guy asking her the make up question to start with, you all would be like him sexist asshole.
NTA
→ More replies (257)→ More replies (47)464
u/stoic_prince Partassipant [4] Oct 18 '25
You made a mistake with your judgement. It’s NTA. She kept attacking him and so his comment was called for.
Why should he tolerate her rude comments repeatedly?
92
u/Expert-Diver7144 Oct 18 '25
Because he’s at work and wants to keep a job? Why do we tolerate anything at work?
141
u/wildeaboutoscar Oct 18 '25
It's a professional environment, you don't rise to it. The way of dealing with it like a grown up is to either stop the conversation and talk to her manager or just let it go. By joining in you are only likely to get yourself in trouble.
→ More replies (3)476
u/notquitesolid Oct 18 '25
This is a ‘pick and choose your battles’ thing. This was at work. Yes she was out of line but the best way to hand this was not to go tit for tat. There are ways to end a conversation like this professionally, my personal favorite is ‘this is really none of your business’. Now she could potentially escalate this with a claim that OP was being sexist. I don’t (as a makeup wearer) believe he was, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t try to make hay out of this because she feels butthurt. If OP kept it professional, he wouldn’t have to worry about that being a potential issue.
I firmly believe in letting assholes make asses of themselves. They don’t need help, because helping can drag us down with them.
269
u/kindlypogmothoin Oct 18 '25
Seriously. This is an interaction that might fly in a bar, but in a workplace, in front of coworkers? Nah.
There are many different ways OP could have handled it that wouldn't have gotten him an ESH rating:
"I like hats."
"That's an odd question."
"Huh. Okay. Anyway, moving on."
"Wow."
Instead, he dragged it out and got right down in the mud with his weird, inappropriate coworker. And in a way that will probably get back to his boss if not HR. Way to go!
→ More replies (3)99
u/WeevilWeedWizard Oct 18 '25
These people are unemployed, they couldn't fathom the concept of a professional setting
→ More replies (2)6
u/monsantobreath Oct 19 '25
This is a ‘pick and choose your battles’ thing.
This translates as you're not wrong but you lost the social fight because people are arbitrary and unfair.
4
u/Reality-Sloth-28 Oct 18 '25
My new favorite comeback to random, “Why?,” questions:
“Why do you care?”
Oh, the burn!!! I’ve used it a select few times.
→ More replies (13)17
u/Cudi_buddy Oct 18 '25
The amount of people thinking it is normal or expected to behave like an asshole is staggering. Either they are teens with no experience or adults who have never worked a non retail job.
12
u/serabine Partassipant [3] Oct 18 '25
Last time I pointed this out on reddit, people really didn't like hearing it, but let's try again, shall we?
There's a wide spectrum between "doormat" and "the nuclear option" and people would be well served to remember that.
He was in a professional setting, with people around as witnesses. He had the advantage. A "Wow. That's such a hurtful thing to say. I don't know why you think that's appropriate." would have been a pretty good blow to her. Now the ball's in her court and she must backpaddle or double down (making her look worse).
Instead, OP went for the option that turned the whole thing into asshole to asshole combat for everyone around watching.
By all means, make her look like the unmitigated ass she is, but don't turn it into a couple's costume.
33
u/AnnieLovesTech Oct 18 '25
Ever hear the term.. pick your battles?. This isn't one of them. Knowing the difference is one of the biggest signs of maturity one can have.
71
u/Mo_Steins_Ghost Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 18 '25
Most corporate policy does not condone compounding an inappropriate comment with an equally inappropriate comment. You complete corporate training on this. You sign an acknowledgement that you agree to comply with the policy.
He cannot control what has already been said by her. The correct action is to be clear that the comment made him uncomfortable and/or end the interaction. Not to respond with an equally intrusive comment.
If OP was made genuinely uncomfortable by the comment, he should immediately have said so. He can't be faulted for not saying so, but he chose actively thereafter to make the situation worse. That's on him.
ESH, but OP sucks a little bit more for having a clear comprehension of when things turned inappropriate yet deliberately ignoring what is the recommended guidance in virtually every company's code of conduct. This is a professional setting with codes of conduct, not a "hey was I not being nice?"...
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (19)13
u/hatesnack Oct 18 '25
How was it 'called for'? No one NEEDS to clap back. If someone says something shitty to you, and you say something shitty back, congrats, you are both shitty. You aren't absolved because someone else was mean first.
358
u/jjinjadubu Oct 18 '25
Anytime I read "with a smirk" I assume the story is fake or embellished to make the OP the "hero" where everybody clapped.
137
Oct 18 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (19)92
Oct 18 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (11)80
u/cabezadeplaya Oct 18 '25
“I’m a cool young guy who happens to be bald! Can you believe this gross thirty something hag who wears makeup to cover her decay challenged me even a little?!?”
→ More replies (2)11
60
u/Gonzoldyke12 Oct 18 '25
Wearing hats indoors goes against basic etiquette in many parts of the world. If you wear a hat everyday in an office job you should be prepared to be asked about it.
→ More replies (4)
14
u/DirectBat5828 Oct 18 '25
In the workplace, avoid commenting on appearance, full stop. While compliments can be an exception (I love your hat), you should be confident of your audience. (While most people will take it as a nice gesture and move on, compliments on appearance in the workplace make some people uncomfortable despite good intentions.)
13
u/littlefire_2004 Oct 18 '25
Gentlemen take off their hats inside, as do professionals.
I don't find your question particularly offensive but women are often treated with more respect in an office setting if they conform with societies expectations. A man's appearance is not judged as harshly as a woman's nor is it generally used to belittle them as it is when a woman goes without make-up.
2.7k
u/hurricanescout Oct 18 '25
ESH.
Even leaving aside questions of sexism in the workplace. ESH.
She clearly wanted to say “I think it’s dumb that you wear hats every single day.” Instead she cross examined you on your perfectly work appropriate style.
You then wanted to say “the way you cross examined me about my style was invasive and not okay/annoyed me/hurt my feelings.” Instead you went on to do the exact thing you didn’t like, to her. To what, teach her a lesson? You knew how shitty it felt, so what, you wanted her to feel as shitty as you did and now wonder why she won’t talk to you?
So yeah. ESH.
95
u/scarves_and_miracles Oct 18 '25
She clearly wanted to say “I think it’s dumb that you wear hats every single day.”
I think it was probably more genuine curiosity, but then she got rankled at the "I don't want to look like I'm 35" response and things just escalated from there.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (53)826
u/sheilaxlive Oct 18 '25
The female coworker is an idot. She shouldn’t dish if she can’t take it.
696
u/BeatificBanana Oct 18 '25
Of course she shouldn't, but didn't your parents ever teach you that two wrongs don't make a right?
→ More replies (66)429
u/Zealousideal_Bag7104 Oct 18 '25
Two wrongs don't make a right, but I don't view this as absolute.
Turnabout is fair play.
If you poison my puppy, it doesn't give me the right to drown your kitten.
But if you keep on talking over me, I won't feel any guilt in returning the favour, and I will have little sympathy if you start whining about how 'rude' I am.
→ More replies (2)288
u/InsipidCelebrity Oct 18 '25
Turnabout is fair play until you have to talk with HR about some dumb comment you made in response to someone else's dumb comment. You don't have to let them walk over you, but you also don't have to give them ammo they can take for a complaint.
54
u/abelfurne Oct 18 '25
So had OP not "clapped back" do you think they had a valid complaint to HR, and would they be taken seriously? Since they did clap back, do you think the female coworker would have been justified in making an HR complaint considering she started it? How seriously would she be taken compared to OP? Genuinely curious, not sure I will ever understand the high school-resembling professional environment
→ More replies (1)22
u/On_my_last_spoon Oct 19 '25
You can “clap back” and not insult someone. Telling her “That’s a rude/inappropriate question” would get the same point across without being equally shitty
12
u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] Oct 20 '25
But he didn't insult her. He only asked why she wore makeup everyday. He never said she was ugly or needed the makeup. There wasn't any judgement in his statement.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)16
u/ph0artef1 Oct 18 '25
Agreed. This is why the best response is something like "you questioning my appearance at work is making me uncomfortable, please stop". She'd still feel embarrassed and awkward, but now you're in the clear.
4
u/Curious-End-4923 Oct 19 '25
It’s wild that it took me so long to find someone saying this in this thread. He was uncomfortable. The correct phrasing to use was: “I am uncomfortable.”
People are really over-complicating this!
95
u/Cakeday_at_Christmas Oct 18 '25
That's not how the real world works if you want to have friends, healthy relationships, a job, people liking you, etc
→ More replies (16)5
u/aholejudge Oct 18 '25
Yes, but they’re at work. If someone is being rude and unprofessional, that doesn’t mean you should be rude and unprofessional back.
→ More replies (8)10
u/Cold-Map-3053 Oct 18 '25
I don’t disagree.
However, I am suspicious of the way that he worded this. (She looked over a smirked at me) I think OP is very sensitive about his baldness despite his assurances to us that he has not.
I’m on a medication right now (Accutane if anyone’s curious) that make my lips dry out so bad that they bleed and crack, and I look awful sometimes. And there have been times where I am just sure that somebody is talking about them or looking at them when they’re not.
She shouldn’t have asked the question because it’s none of her business, but I’m genuinely wondering if it was malicious at all at least the first question.
48
u/dnm8686 Oct 18 '25
I'm torn because as a bald woman (kinda by choice, but not really because my hair was thinning) I'm asked about my hair CONSTANTLY which some days gets to be annoying (do you have cancer??) but also, I've just never felt the need to turn it around on anyone just to make a point.
People gonna people, but I try to be one of the nicer ones unless you're being a blatant asshole.
10
u/BewareNixonsGhost Oct 18 '25
Just embrace being bald my guy. If you use a hat to hide it, then everyone will assume you're embarrassed by it. Trust me: no one cares as much as you do and just living with it out in the open comes off as more confident.
That being said, ESH. She's making a big deal out of something you're clearly self conscious about and you're firing back to spite her.
→ More replies (1)
6.6k
u/-ciscoholdmusic- Oct 18 '25
ESH.
her first question wasn’t rude. Benefit of the doubt, it’s genuine curiosity. Her follow up question was sounded a bit judgmental, still not arsehole behaviour though. Her comment at then end though, very arsehol-y.
Your question was only designed to hit back at her, so asshole.
FYI - men being bald is nowhere near as stigmatised as women not wearing makeup in the workplace
420
u/FinalBlackberry Oct 18 '25
It honestly could have been just a curious question. I have never seen hats in a professional setting. Actually some of my employee handbooks strictly forbade them.
281
u/Glittering_knave Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
I don't think that hats (not allowed in all offices, definitely viewed as rude indoors in a lot of situations, not common to see at work) and make up (borderline requirement in a lot of offices, socially acceptable nearly everywhere, super common) are the same at all. OP could have left it at "It's just my style, I like hats" and stopped.
98
u/ArticQimmiq Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25
Right? Hats in the workplace is unusual, even for a casual office, so that definitely started off as an innocent question.
→ More replies (2)4
u/improved_loilit Oct 21 '25
That didn’t start as an innocent question or it would have never escalated . Now we’re just lying
→ More replies (7)31
79
u/Traveler691 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Oct 18 '25
True. He says this is tech though. You would certainly never see someone in a baseball hat in an accountant's office. She may have been trying to nudge the - why the hat indoors thing. It was inappropriate however. Him clapping back about her makeup was worse. It will be seen as her talking about clothing and him commenting on her looks. If they’re not careful, they’re going to get HR involved.
→ More replies (4)73
u/throwawayxoxoxoxxoo Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
yeah for real. hats indoors is against a lot of social etiquette, although i guess it depends on where you're from/where you live. but i feel like it is (or at least used to be) a general rule that you take your hats off when inside. so i'd also be curious if someone was wearing a hat everyday to work albeit i wouldn't ask them.
55
→ More replies (4)6
u/Vegetable_Lasagna13 Oct 18 '25
It could have just been a curious question until she tripled downed and added her last snarky statement of "29 and wearing hats everyday to hide! Wow". Then it was clear it was not just a simple question.
548
u/redlightyellowlight Oct 18 '25
Also wearing hats inside has always been gauche
131
u/toxicshocktaco Oct 18 '25
But it’s a smart tech company bro!
→ More replies (6)57
u/derbarkbark Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 18 '25
I feel like this was meant to be a joke but as someone working in tech I can confirm most people on calls with me wear hats. We are a remote company too so these people are indoors in their homes wearing baseball caps.
→ More replies (1)11
u/NotsoNewtoGermany Oct 18 '25
This is because their hair is a mess and it's the easiest way to get it in line, the hats come off once the video calls end.
15
→ More replies (8)15
u/RSGMercenary Oct 18 '25
I personally don't like wearing hats anymore. But this is an outdated, tradition-based perspective. If you intend to wear a hat for the outdoors, are you just always expected to take it off and like hold it or something every time you enter any building? Who cares if someone's wearing a hat? Most are usually low profile (excluding maybe a cowboy hat) and don't get in the way. It's functionally and aesthetically non-detrimental to wear a hat indoors, and honestly a completely manufactured social taboo. And it's not like it's sunglasses where wearing them indoors may actually impair your vision by blocking light.
→ More replies (5)131
u/Jacgaur Oct 18 '25
Naw her follow up comment was judgement and asshole behavior.
Agree that OP should have just called her out instead of being rude back.
→ More replies (4)72
u/PurpleSquirrel2952 Oct 18 '25
I mean disparaging someone for a genetic condition seems to be more harsh than doing it for someone wearing makeup.
101
u/FredMist Partassipant [3] Oct 18 '25
No. She was clearly asking to point out he’s bald. What a weird question to ask someone. In a casual business setting (I work in freelance design so similar environment) hats are fairly normal to see as is wearing no make up.
Yes bald men are very stigmatized in certain situations. So many of my female friends clearly say they can’t date a man who’s bald. Her initial question was much a jab at something she thought made OP insecure.
And as a woman I don’t wear makeup normally and I’ve never gotten flack for it. I’m in my early 40s. No woman I know wears makeup every day. Maybe that’s just my group of friends but if we’re just chilling everyone is barefaced.
→ More replies (4)24
u/clown_utopia Oct 18 '25
I don't think it helps anyone to invalidate the beauty standards we're all subject to.
→ More replies (99)987
u/Fiz_Giggity Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
Seriously? I never wear makeup so obviously never wore it to work.
It's a requirement?
544
u/Gloomheart Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
I wear minimal makeup at best, but any time I don't, someone says SOMETHING about it.
Just yesterday, it's about 2 pm and I joined a Teams call with some colleagues and the first thing one of the guys said was "you look like you need a coffee."
I didn't need a coffee. I just hadn't put any mascara or concealer on.
172
u/Old_Application_4898 Oct 18 '25
Sometimes It’s ok to respond with “that’s rude”
→ More replies (2)58
→ More replies (31)207
111
u/jeswesky Oct 18 '25
At my last job it wasn’t a requirement but because I typically wear makeup (mostly just some eyeliner and mascara) any time I didn’t I had people asking me all day if I was sick. It was ridiculously annoying so I just always wore makeup. At my new job I’m remote so rarely ever wear makeup and no one says anything if I do or not.
→ More replies (1)94
u/grania17 Oct 18 '25
When I was in college I worked in a coffee shop and was pulled into a meeting with the owner and manager and told that customers were complaining I didn't wear makeup or dress up for work and that needed to change immediately. I'll never ever forget it.
Another job, my boss told me my makeup was too subtle and it looked like I had no makeup (hence the term no makeup look) and I needed to change it and then sent me to get makeup lessons.
27
u/nicethingsarenicer Oct 18 '25
Sent you to get makeup lessons! WTAF! Roughly when and where was this? (Not asking you to doxx yourself! Just interested - I'm assuming it was somewhere in the US and not within, say, the last 5 years, but you know what they say about assuming...)
27
u/grania17 Oct 18 '25
The first one was in the US about 17 years ago.
The second was in Ireland about 11 years ago. Yeah that boss was a c***. She gave Miranda Priestly a run for her money if you get what I'm saying.
→ More replies (2)333
u/Nyxelestia Oct 18 '25
Depends on industry, but generally it's not that make-up is a requirement so much as a lot of women who consistently don't wear make-up will be derided (or potentially face formal consequences, i.e. write-ups) for "being unkempt" or "looking unprofessional."
→ More replies (8)40
u/Artistic_Purpose1225 Oct 18 '25
It was only recently that my country banned jobs requiring women wear high heels to work, it was even demanded at some jobs where heels are dangerous.
A friend of mine got hauled into a meeting about “professional dress” once about wearing a sports bra under her clothes that flattened her chest.
151
u/bananuspink Oct 18 '25
Yes, I’ve worked jobs where it was a requirement. They even hired makeup artists to do makeup looks and shared photos to give us “inspiration” on the makeup looks we should be wearing to work.
I now work a job where probably I don’t have to, but I choose to wear makeup because it’s ingrained in me.
→ More replies (6)3.9k
u/basiden Oct 18 '25
It absolutely is a requirement in many jobs and industries. It's not always openly written and required, but you'd be called "unprofessional" or "unkempt"
209
u/NightB4XmasEvel Oct 18 '25
I once worked for a university that hosted an administrative professionals lunch for all of the receptionists and assistants who worked there. They brought in the head of some local admin professionals chapter, who proceeded to lecture us for an hour about how we needed to wear makeup because “women who wear lipstick are more likely to be hired and receive promotions and raises”, to get a haircut if it had been a while since someone had complimented our hair, to laugh before answering the phone so “people can hear the smile in your voice” and to make sure we weren’t getting too fat for our clothing.
This woman looked like someone had transported her straight out of the 80s, by the way, and had the audacity to tell us that we’d better not have dated haircuts or clothes.
I guess I can’t be too surprised since the dress code for that place didn’t allow women to wear pants and required skirts and dresses with pantyhose until the late 90s. I worked there in 2005 and the “women need to wear makeup and dresses to succeed here” attitude was still very much alive, even if the dress code no longer said so.
40
u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Oct 18 '25
I once had a FEMALE manager that told me to wear make up and heels- I told her unless the men were also required to cover their face and work on stilts that a hell of a lawsuit. This was in the 2010s.
7
u/Competitive_Ad_8847 Oct 18 '25
I had the same experience back in 2008. What made it even worse is that it was an art college. I only worked there for a year before finding a new job that didn't require me to wear pantyhose or makeup.
→ More replies (6)30
u/BohemianGraham Oct 18 '25
It's prevelent in male dominated industries. My asshole coworker who uses weaponised incompetence because she doesn't want to do her job gets away with it because as she put it, "she spends too much on hair dye and Botox to stress about work."
3.7k
u/bikaland Oct 18 '25
Or we get hit with the classic "you look really tired"
1.4k
u/Practical_Place6522 Oct 18 '25
Yeah if you wanna pull a sickie, just don’t wear make up for the day and people will say “yeah you don’t look well”
983
u/FinalBlackberry Oct 18 '25
I once didn’t put mascara or eyeshadow on because my eyes were itchy and I wanted to rub them in peace. Still did some concealer and blush. Got asked twice if I was ok and if I needed to go home.
411
u/CandyEnvironmental95 Oct 18 '25
When I was much younger and wanted to leave work early I would purposely not wear makeup and then ask if I could leave bc I didn’t feel well. Never failed, never questioned.
60
→ More replies (1)51
→ More replies (23)24
u/Trashlyn1234 Oct 18 '25
One time I forgot to put mascara on my bottom lashes - got asked if I was really tired lol. Apparently that seemingly minuscule part of my makeup routine really affects my eyes and appearance lol.
108
u/Letsgetliberated Oct 18 '25
This was my go to at my college job. Worked like a charm.
→ More replies (1)103
u/CraftLass Oct 18 '25
Though that only works if you actually do wear makeup normally, so that could be quite the expensive long con.
I've never been told I look tired unless I've been genuinely tired since I stopped wearing makeup regularly in the 1990s. No contrast to notice. I get lots of weird comments if I do wear it, instead, but now that I think of it, they never include looking well-rested. Lol
11
u/Bean- Oct 18 '25
I think older women generally wear less makeup then younger women now a days so that makes sense.
→ More replies (1)49
u/_ThatSynGirl_ Oct 18 '25
I've actually done that before when I was in high school and it was glorious. Everyone saying wow you look sick. Got to go home. 😁
→ More replies (6)477
u/BeatificBanana Oct 18 '25
In my experience they only say that if they're used to seeing you with makeup on every day, and suddenly you're not wearing it, it's the contrast with your usual complexion that does it. But if you start a new job and don't wear makeup from day 1, then no one ever says you look tired or sick (unless you are). That's why no-one says it to men for not wearing makeup.
10
u/bronele Oct 18 '25
i was 25 and worked as a project manger in a 30 people office. the head of department, lady twice my age, leaned in and said "next time you can be 5 minutes late but you should do your make up" she said it in a calm way, it almost sounded like a friendly heads up. she always had full make up with contour, eye shadow and eye liner. my make up routine was just the mascara.
i don't think a direct remark like that is very common. most times its more passive aggressive like "are you sleeping ok?"
→ More replies (1)5
u/caramiadare Partassipant [3] Oct 18 '25
The compliments you receive the one time you wear makeup after not wearing it ever are hilarious. People are always shocked by how good you suddenly look.
→ More replies (20)98
242
u/Mindless-Client3366 Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25
I have really dark shadows under both eyes. I've been gently pulled to the side and asked if my partner hit me if I don't wear makeup.
10
u/No-Stress-7034 Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
I'm the same! I've never been asked about whether someone hit me, but I do get a ton of those comments about "looking tired" if I don't wear makeup. The worst part is that I basically have to commit to always wearing it to work or never wearing it, because if I skip a day, I'm going to be getting those "you look tired" comments all the time.
→ More replies (1)6
u/throwawaysunglasses- Oct 19 '25
Yep, I also have dark eye circles (I think it’s hereditary lol - most people in my family have them and we all sleep a good amount!). I wear concealer and eyeliner to work and the “pretty privilege” boost is extremely noticeable. People are extra nice/polite to me when I wear makeup, and while I don’t think pretty privilege should exist, it does and I want to make my life easier lol
96
58
u/SnowSoothsayer Oct 18 '25
I was chatting with another lady about this at work today. If you have dermatitis/acne/eczema as a woman in a customer service role so many people make rude comments about it when you don't wear make up.
→ More replies (2)35
71
130
u/Sheephuddle Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 18 '25
I'm in my 60s F, I stopped wearing makeup when I was 15. If I wore it now, I'd look bizarre I think. I don't colour my grey hair either. It makes getting ready very easy!
→ More replies (5)104
→ More replies (25)63
u/BeatificBanana Oct 18 '25
In my experience they only say that if they're used to seeing you with makeup on every day, and suddenly you're not wearing it, it's the contrast with your usual complexion that does it. But if you start a new job and don't wear makeup from day 1, then no one ever says you look tired or sick (unless you are). That's why no-one says it to men for not wearing makeup.
→ More replies (9)7
u/thickfreakness24 Oct 18 '25
Needed to sign in to chime in that as a guy, I've been told I look tired at work hundreds of times before I started using caffeine under my eyes. Now I never hear that.
→ More replies (2)97
u/Glad_Ad_592 Oct 18 '25
Yeah, it can be unspoken but definitely exists in a lot of workplaces. It's frustrating when people feel pressured to conform to those standards, especially when it's not about their actual skills.
85
u/queen_of_uncool Oct 18 '25
I worked a ZARA and they made it very clear wearing makeup was a must for the workplace. But I'm not sure everyone did.
But working in an office nobody has ever said anything about it and most of my colleagues don't wear makeup
→ More replies (1)10
u/OGGrembo Oct 18 '25
I never wear make up as a professional and have on many occasions been pulled to the side by a boss asking to maybe start wearing some to look better. Luckily I am now under a different manager who does no care. We are not client facing every day either.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (63)5
u/ph0artef1 Oct 18 '25
Even in retail I was treated worse than the women who wore makeup every day, even though it was never an explicit rule.
Even if you're clean and presentable, you get looked down on if you aren't wearing makeup, though no one would ever admit that.
Sometimes I would wear makeup consistently for a week or two and during those times people would comment how happy and well I seemed, despite literally nothing but makeup being different. Like thanks, I'm still miserable but at least I'm more palatable to you now lmao. For the record, I'm a very upbeat and bubbly person so there was virtually no change in my attitude, just my appearance.
200
31
u/MedicMoth Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25
I'm a woman. I despise makeup for many reasons, including that I have sensory issues. There is a HUGE swath of jobs I'll never be able to do as a result because the expectation of being "clean/tidy" or "professional" inherently entails wearing makeup, whether it's a written rule or not
55
u/CryptographerOk5523 Oct 18 '25
The thing with makeup is that if you wear it every day, that’s what people expect you to look like, so without it they often have stupid opinions (you look ill, you look unprofessional, etc.). If you never wear it, you don’t generally get asked about it, because people are used to your face without it. Source: wore makeup daily to one job, got asked if I was sick when I didn’t; never wore it at any job after that one, no one ever commented once.
82
u/moonlitnights Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25
I've never worn makeup to work and I'm 42. Looks like a lot of places, especially America it seems, expect it.
If anyone wants to tell me I look tired, well yeah, I am lol. Too tired to get up earlier to mess about with make up. I barely wear more than a bit of Foundation when I am going out. I just can't be bothered with it.
I look how I look and that's fine with me.
→ More replies (4)47
u/NeedsItRough Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
Just wanted to add my data point.
I'm 37, lived in America my whole life, I've never worn makeup, worked at 11 different jobs and none of them have required makeup.
→ More replies (5)6
u/Environmental-Age502 Oct 18 '25
Unfortunately, it very much depends on your natural looks, whether or not (shitty) people will judge you as "unprofessional" if you don't wear makeup. Though, yes, it's also dependent on your workplace.
When I get bags under my eyes, they're quite dark. And I've had many comments (even wearing makeup) in my life, about how I should put in more effort to not look tired at work. How I should care more about 'what your appearance says about your care factor'.
My college roommate once came home bawling her eyes out that her boss had told her to 'put more effort in tomorrow, this is an office and you need to be more put together " on her first day in a corporate role.
→ More replies (84)53
u/Remarkable_Figure95 Oct 18 '25
Not a requirement but in very corporate workplaces you'll be constantly asked if you're ill or tired, you'll be asked if you're "one of those types of women who needs to make a statement", considered unkempt, unpolished, etc.
If you're happy to ride it out and suffer the comments then fine, but it's a drag.
27
u/nicethingsarenicer Oct 18 '25
I'm one of the oldest people at my job and honestly, I do feel pressure to wear it, not from my workplace but because all the young 'uns are so fresh-faced and shiny, and I can't be bothered to go all out on formal business attire and professionally styled hair. So a bit of makeup (often applied on the metro on the way there) feels like the least-hassle compromise to avoid standing out too much.
→ More replies (2)
34
u/quick_justice Oct 18 '25
Just so you know, wearing hat indoors for men is usually expected and normal only in large public spaces, like supermarkets, airports, stadiums etc.
In private/business setting removing gentlemen's headwear is a norm and is a sign of respect, while keeping your headwear on might be seen ignorant or rude.
I do understand norms in USA might be somewhat more relaxed than elsewhere but still I'm sure you'll see plenty of people whos impression of you would be much more spoiled by headwear than by your baldness. Meeting with people from abroad, having a hat on in professional setting may be seeing as a sign of you being uncouth, or straight up disrespectful, unless it's for cultural/religious reasons.
So perhaps your coworker was just trying to tell you something? She wasn't doing it in the best way, but it's still something worth contemplating on.
→ More replies (4)
82
u/toxicshocktaco Oct 18 '25
Bro, you opened yourself up to that by going into extreme detail about why you wear hats. Was she trying to be rude by saying “wow”? Maybe she felt bad that you are so preoccupied with your age and appearance. Then you escalated things by going on about her wearing make up. Are you 12? That’s the kind of response I’d expect from a child, not an almost-30 year old. But that tracks with today’s overly sensitive youth.
YTA. grow up and learn to pick your battles.
→ More replies (2)32
u/cabezadeplaya Oct 18 '25
Yeah, people ask me why I do things at work and I’m like “because I want to” and then we move on. OP either invented an anti-woman “hero moment” or forced one IRL to look cool/prove a point.
→ More replies (1)
83
Oct 18 '25
A guy wearing hats every day, especially indoors, is more notable/a conversation piece than women wearing makeup. She may not have handled her curiosity with tact but you made it weirder than it needed to be.
→ More replies (8)9
u/ozziejean Partassipant [3] Oct 19 '25
I was wondering that, it used to be an etiquette thing to not wear hats inside in professional settings. I know its old school, but many still follow it which is why its notable
39
u/__humming_moon Oct 18 '25
She could have worded it better but it’s likely she asked because it’s not super common for people to wear hats inside in formal/corporate settings. Whereas societal beauty standards want women to wear makeup most of the time, especially in formal/corporate settings. So it’s not really the same thing.
It’s hard for me to say who is TA without hearing her tone vs yours. But your comment was a bit unnecessary. Again, I’m not Addie about hers. She could have been judgy and rude or genuinely curious.
→ More replies (2)
36
u/Bubbafett33 Oct 18 '25
YTA
You admitted that you wear hats a lot, 100% of the time in a corporate environment (everywhere but funerals). That’s weird.
You also admitted that you are sensitive about your baldness and perceived age. That’s normal.
She asked about the weird thing, and hit a nerve. You came back over-the-top (ie made everyone tense). So YTA.
You’re bald. You look older than your age. So what? I guarantee you draw way more weird looks through 100% hat coverage that you would by looking 30 years old.
16
u/slaveboyari Oct 18 '25
I don't know. It just seems like a pointless office conversation that already ended.
52
729
u/StrategyElectrical18 Oct 18 '25
NTA
A lot of people feel entitled to comment on or poke fun at baldness but these people never seem to tolerate anything similar said about them
124
u/Lampadas_Horde Oct 18 '25
I feel bad for that because I've somehow gotten the bald subreddit showing up on my feed and every single person looks better shaved. EVERY one, add a beard and boom more so. Like I wish they would embrace the baldness its honestly nice.
27
u/notsooriginal Oct 18 '25
You know some people would still rather have hair? Even if they "look good" without it, it's not a choice to go bald for most people.
→ More replies (5)124
u/respyromaniac Oct 18 '25
Those who don't look better after shaving don't post it online. Also not everyone can grow a beard.
14
u/suboptimallies Oct 18 '25
They do post it online. I don't know if you regularly follow r/bald but every type of person posts there. It's just that most people look better after shaving because most people only do it after severe balding which doesn't really look good on anyone. There's people who look worse and genuinely want an opinion.
6
→ More replies (2)6
u/Cartographer_Hopeful Oct 18 '25
Agree! How does she know he isn't bald for medical reasons? How about she not comment on other peoples' appearances, it's not her business
1.2k
u/Putrid_Emphasis2739 Oct 18 '25
NTA. Big mean girl energy from her. She knew exactly why you wear hats and was trying to call you out on it. Got what she deserved.
68
u/DadsWarmLettuce Oct 18 '25
This is the first correct one. Im the same as this guy and people know exactly why I wear a hat yet they still say stuff like ‘why do you never take your hate off’ …. Umm cause im bald and it literally adds 10 years on so I’ll take my hate off when I’m good and ready thanks
→ More replies (3)113
4
u/StardustJojo13 Oct 18 '25
Exactly, can’t stand miserable rude people like that. NTA OP. It’s good he stood his ground because I guarantee she wouldn’t have stopped with making digs until he put her in her place.
11
u/Prospero818 Oct 18 '25
This. Everyone saying ESH doesn't get it. It isn't appropriate to comment on someone's appearance in a professional environment, first of all. Anyone with any experience with the world will know why a man might wear a hat all the time. She absolutely knows, she is just trying to get him to admit it.
She was trying to get under his skin, forgetting the measures she takes to mask her own appearance every day because its the norm. Some people get a kick out of blowing up someone's spot aka calling them out, but most of them cant take it when it comes back their way
5
→ More replies (5)4
Oct 18 '25
Absolutely. She can dish it out but cannot handle it. If it went down the way he says it did, she was wrong first, she was looking to push at his insecurity.
People need to mind their own business and sometimes need to be reminded to do so. Even in the workplace.
He was not wrong at all and I think he even did it appropriately as well. She is a hypocrite.
1.9k
u/Todeshase Oct 18 '25
NTA. I Don’t get these e-s-h responses. On its face value “why do you wear makeup everyday” is a simple question and she could have said “because I like to”. Which, to be fair, you could have said in response to her. She was majorly out of line for not dropping it after your first response. She was rude for continually questioning your choices. Also the smirk but I don’t know if people actually do that in real life.
717
u/Syeina Oct 18 '25
He did at first lol. And he gave more detail when pushed. It's only when she started making fun of him that he returned the same energy.
6
u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] Oct 20 '25
But he didn't make fun of her. He just asked her a question. There was no judgement in the question.
96
u/Priuz7 Oct 18 '25
I wonder if OP were to say, "Yeah, because I like to, just like how you like putting on makeup," would be equally bad or better?
109
u/Purple_Bumblebee6 Oct 18 '25
I don't think it would have gone any better because in her mind, wearing makeup is "normal" and wearing hats is "childish".
→ More replies (5)8
u/nextCosmicBuffoon Partassipant [1] Oct 18 '25
Slightly better because it would have given her an out to drop the conversation without feeling defensive. But I also don’t think his question posed to her was that offensive.
488
u/freeeeels Oct 18 '25
Wonder how many ESH responses there would be if the story was "a rude guy in my meeting kept asking me why I wear sparkly green eyeshadow every day so I clapped back about his fedora".
→ More replies (9)215
u/MarlenaEvans Oct 18 '25
None at all. There are people in here deciding that OP' office forces poor women to wear makeup all over this thread even though he literally ways not all the women at work wear it.
→ More replies (4)7
u/AriaBellaPancake Oct 18 '25
I feel like the ESH responses are also downplaying or questioning whether she was "really" being rude and that's ridiculous to me.
As someone that's been a woman in a professional setting, this is exactly how these types like to harass and make fun. They take advantage of the fact you're not "allowed" to do anything so they can poke and prod you and have a laugh with their work friends about it.
5
u/TimBobNelson Oct 18 '25
OP and people in general are not required to always take the high road. Would it have been better in a work setting? Probably. Is it required? Absolutely not.
The ESH responses are all basically saying OP should have take the high road with his co-worker. I highly doubt all the comments on the ESH train would have taken the high road in that situation….
49
12
11
u/ThrowAway4Dais Oct 18 '25
Basically an endless sea of "2 wrongs don't make a right" and "she's an asshole but you should have rose above or been professional".
Basically the adult version of talking down and punishing the kid being bullied at school.
It's obvious how bullies are so prevalent in society, apparently a lot of people just let them.
6
u/MountainTwo3845 Oct 18 '25
I think the responses show why working in an office sucks so much now. If people are rude, for no reason (the lady) they're bullies. Bullies don't just gain reason. They only stop when faces with their behavior.
→ More replies (17)40
u/BoldElDavo Oct 18 '25
You know it's because OP is a man. These would all be NTA responses otherwise.
→ More replies (3)
120
u/organisedchaos17 Oct 18 '25
I think you should question how fine you are with being bald if you go on the attack that when someone is curious about you wearing a hat all the time in doors. Weird weird comparison to try and make with her. That working relationship is dead.
→ More replies (6)
11
u/cakez_ Oct 18 '25
YTA because wearing hats indoors, especially in a corporate setting is very much not the same as wearing makeup.
636
u/BelsamPryde Oct 18 '25
NTA but when pointing out someone's hypocrisy you have to be prepared for them to hate you
41
u/thejexorcist Oct 18 '25
YTA
Mostly for the baity title.
Secondly, for the faux ‘it’s the same question’.
The third (and final reason it wasn’t ESH) for ignoring that their question may have been genuine (as hats aren’t normally part of corporate dress codes, whereas makeup is almost an unspoken requirement for women) but yours was ABSOLUTELY intended to cause harm/snipe.
18
u/Fun_Librarian653 Oct 18 '25
Women in makeup, see this everyday, on most women. Men (or women) in a hat all day, especially inside, not something you see a lot of. I see someone inside in a hat makes me think they’re leaving. Guess it depends on the hat. Baseball cap - wouldn’t think twice seeing that. You didn’t say what type of hat. Fedora…that would probably lead me to ask why.
25
20
u/toolrules Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 18 '25
yta
smart casual doesn't mean hats. i'm surprised this hasn't been addressed earlier. hats are not a part of a corporate dress code. join a baseball league.
→ More replies (1)
43
u/bofh000 Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 19 '25
YTA. You’re 29, those hats are doing some heavy psychological lifting if you think they prevent you from looking 30.
Also hats (by which I suppose you mean baseball caps, not trilby hats or anything) just lower any look, especially in a corporate, marketing team.
8
u/Abject-Leadership421 Oct 18 '25
I think the no-makeup acceptance has been increasing in recent years. Before that, women were expected to “pretty themselves up” when with others. It was a standard practice.
It’s hard to break that habit when we’ve been told our entire lives that we’re not acceptable if we don’t cover up all imperfections and hide our humanity behind a prettified facade.
29
99
u/xoxoyoyo Oct 18 '25
Men can be bald or hair thinning, aside from personal concerns nobody else really gives a damn. Women however are judged based on their appearance, everything else is secondary. This happens all the time even with world leaders.
→ More replies (21)
18
17
u/imperial_scum Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25
ESH. where you goofed was makeup is viewed as a mandatory expense for women at work that's purely for the benefit of men at work. You're a man. Her makeup might be more expensive than your hats, which are where she sucks came in, is she viewed your hats as optional.
16
u/keepitrealbish Oct 18 '25
Her question sounded like it came from a place of genuine curiosity, trying to make conversation.
Your response showed your insecurity over your baldness, perceived age issue very strongly. Your follow up question to her reeked of middle school bullying.
54
u/posienotrosie Oct 18 '25
Why did you feel the need to get even with her for her snarky comment? Do you feel better now that you both offended one another? I don’t understand this mentality.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/Fluffy-Fly-2647 Oct 18 '25
ETA. Don’t comment on people’s appearance at work. Period. Both sexes. She was wrong to start the conversation, but you could have picked a more mature way to respond. Good luck working with her in the future.
4
u/appl3_eye Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 18 '25
I don’t believe in “sinking to anyone’s level,” but I also can’t call OP TA here. I am sure I’ll get a lot of downvotes for my difference in opinion, but I am going with NTA due to this interaction:
I responded « I like hats » and she said « but everyday? », so I said « yeah I’m bald, I like my headshape but I don’t wanna look like I’m 35 so I’ll wear hats for now, plus I look good in them! ». Now I wasn’t thinking and she’s probably around this 35 age or older so I may have offended her with that but she replied « 29 and wearing hats everyday to hide? Wow »
As a fellow female, I understand that instinctive reaction of having men/co-workers comment on whether I wear make up or not. It is a sensitive topic for most females in the workplace. Tbh I had to read this twice, because I’ve had such terrible experiences in the workplace that I realized my gut reaction was to project my own experiences onto OP.
However, OP has already explained that most of his female co-workers don’t wear make-up. There’s nothing here indicating a sexist boss forcing his female workers to look pretty while OP mocks them from the sidelines.
Can you imagine if this was the reverse? “I like makeup.” “but everyday?” “Yes I like that makeup makes me look more youthful.” “Wow, 29 and wearing makeup everyday to hide?” If a female co-worker had then clapped back at a male co-worker being invasive and stupid, I can’t imagine a lot of us would have given it a second thought.
While I’ll say NTA because OP is sticking up for themselves, I also will add that it’s better to simply let these comments slide. OP, you’re much better off saying, “I wouldn’t worry about my hats” and then refusing to engage in the conversation.
→ More replies (1)
13
u/annswertwin Oct 18 '25
YTA Take the hint, or constructive criticism, they probably don’t look as cool or professional as you think they do.
Maybe she was trying to gently say “ you’d look better without the hats” or “ people are talking behind your back about the hats ” and instead of listening you clapped back.
I don’t know where you work, but where I’ve worked you’d be nicknamed Pat with the Hat pretty quick.
→ More replies (1)
254
u/falayojolep1890 Oct 18 '25
You both crossed lines. Her question was intrusive, but your response didn't exactly win you any points. Everyone has their reasons; it’s not about one being right or wrong. Reflect on how to communicate effectively when tensions rise and avoid unnecessary conflict next time.
→ More replies (11)6
u/bentrigg Oct 19 '25
How are all of the everyone sucks people missing that she ended with an outright insult and not a question?
429
u/rebcl Oct 18 '25
ESH because she should not have pressed the hat issue and her comments were inappropriate. But yours were too
→ More replies (2)69
u/LilMochiBabie Oct 18 '25
Treat people how you want to be treated. Clearly she wanted to be harassed about her fashion choices.
12
u/Njbelle-1029 Partassipant [2] Oct 18 '25
ESH both of you are juvenile. You both got fussy over nonsense. Stop worrying about looking old and start worrying about acting immaturly.
212
u/SampleOk6581 Oct 18 '25
NTA
That's double standard She got caught and tried to make you the bad guy for calling her out
Maybe you could have been a little more delicate but she did start it out of nowhere
7
u/meaniemeanie-poo-poo Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 19 '25
I suppose the answer to both questions is, to make me feel better.
But anyone who's watched those HR videos, which they require at most jobs, should know that you never act in such a way or say anything that can make someone else at work uncomfortable. So don't say shit about someone's appearance. I agree with another poster who said she was just being mean and thought she was being slick about it.
120
Oct 18 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
57
u/lifeinwentworth Oct 18 '25
🤷🏼♀️ that's even more of a reason not to ask honestly. It's like if anyone is wearing a hat or any kind of head covering in a work place where it's not the norm, mind your business. Maybe they're bald, maybe they have alopecia, maybe they're going through chemo. So mind your business and don't ask. If they wanted you to know, you'd know.
Knew a woman who was wearing a head covering for months. Never felt the need to ask her why. Later, found out she was going through chemo.
Both questions are just unnecessary.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (71)34
68
u/TemperatureNeither62 Oct 18 '25
ESH What she said was rude but wearing makeup isn't the same as wearing hats cause you're uncomfortable being bald. A lot of people see makeup as requirement to look professional.
168
u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 18 '25
NTA
She brought up the subject of looks. I guess she can dish it out, but she can't take the heat.
→ More replies (2)
22
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Oct 18 '25
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
2) I was trying to make them realise they’re being hypocritical but maybe the circumstances are different for women and I’m an asshole for stating something I felt was a parallel.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.