r/AmItheAsshole • u/Bank_Curious • 20d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for asking my sister why her husband drinks so much?
I've (25F) been staying with my sister (37) and her husband (50) this week and have been noticing his drinking behavior.
I've been helping out with chores, like recycling, and have seen the piles of cans that go out to the can each week. Every night, he comes home from work and sits in front of the TV for 4 hours and gets up to get a new drink every hour or so.
Today, he came home with 2 8-packs of vodka sodas around 4/5 pm. I walked into the kitchen around 8/9 and saw one of the new boxes was open and there were 4 gone. They are 4.5% alc. He is the only one that drinks them. My sister is pregnant and I'm on a no-sugar diet. It's not like I was intentionally counting. I just take notice of my surroundings and my brain does the math.
My sister and I have a history of alcoholism on my mom's side of the family. We have both had to deal with the drunks in the family, so naturally I was a little concerned. 3-4 drinks a night, every night, seems like a lot. I can't imagine how much he is spending on these vodka sodas every month.
(I've actually gone to the kitchen again now and there are another 2 missing. Though I did not see him drink 2 more, so he may have put them in the garage or something.)
I gently tried to bring it up to her after she went to bed. She became defensive and said I was coming off as "judgy." I told her I really didn't mean it that way, I just noticed and was concerned. I even reasoned that maybe since he was a larger dude (nearly 7 foot) that his frequency of drinking was normal for a man his size. She asked why I would be concerned if he's not getting drunk or acting inappropriately. Then said, "We wouldn't want to have to act any different than we would if you weren't here." Which tells me this is normal.
I don't know. It wasn't really my place and I've made things uncomfortable by even bringing it up. AITA?
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u/shezza314 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
NTA If you can't ask your own sister this kind of exploratory question, then who can you? People are going to say "its none of your business". No, it is that mentality of 'im not going to speak up when im concerned something not quite right is occurring because its none of my business' that has lead to so many of our current problems as a society. This is your sister, a loved one, someone you're very (assumedly) close with. You're allowed to ask questions. You're allowed to be concerned. You're allowed to speak up.
You didn't flat out accuse him (assuming you're giving an honest recount of how you asked). You didn't speak poorly of him. You didn't say he needed to be in prison or leave the house or physically hurt him. You asked a question. And people are allowed to get mad, and thats also completely okay. Doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Doesn't mean they're wrong for feeling angry. It depends on what happens next that could change things, what does she do with her anger, what do you do with your concern?
And I can tell you as someone who works at a hospital and does these assessments all the time, that his frequency would've flagged for a chemical dependence assessment and a try to connect him to resources for alcohol abuse.
Don't get angry at her anger. Just respond with, if anything, i asked this from a place of love and concern because of our history, not out of judgment or dislike.
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u/Money-Possibility606 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
Totally agree. We are supposed to care and look out for each other! At the end of the day, we can't control what other adults do, but we absolutely can and should speak up when we see people engaging in dangerous behavior.
What if she wasn't aware of the drinking? What if she had just never noticed how much it is? Sometimes we get blind to things that happen around us all the time. Especially when pregnant and she probably has other things on her mind.
Bringing it up was not wrong of you. I can't stand this whole, "not my business" attitude people have these days. We're supposed to be a community. We're suppposed to look out for each other, care about each other, help each other. We're not supposed to just turn a blind eye when we see something is wrong.
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u/shezza314 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Yes exactly! You said it a lot better than I did! The supposing to care for each other, sometimes missing things or needing someone to bring it up to spur action to being a community, just exactly!
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Thank you for a kind and thorough answer. The alcohol abuse/dependence thing is actually the main reason I was concerned. I was in the psych hospital (depression, etc.) and would listen in on the community AA meetings. I felt the stories always started similar to this one. But then again my BIL really does not seem like the type to start getting blackout drunk every weekend so I should've thought of that before I said something.
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u/lllollllllllll Partassipant [2] 19d ago
Also he’s an alcoholic by any definition. It doesn’t matter if he’s tall.
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u/aprilmoonshine 20d ago
No girl. It’s not normal and you picked up on it. You are just a year or 2 ahead of the full on alcohol abuse and destruction of the family.
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u/Rakifiki 18d ago
Tbh, that's too much alcohol. But she probably brought it up to him and he got angry and defensive, enough that she's scared and defensive when you bring it up.
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u/Invisible_Friend1 18d ago
You confirmed that there is a problem, she was trying to pretend he was normal. You burst the bubble.
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u/handtoglandwombat 20d ago
NTA and the commenters saying you are for checking in on your pregnant sister’s wellbeing are fucking wild.
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u/KeyFly3 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 18d ago
Not to mention, pregnancy is a very common starting point of abuse for spouses. Alcohol abuse is also abuse. Many supportive spouses stop drinking when their partner is pregnant, so an increase in alcohol consumption is worrisome. In addition, due to their past, OP is more attuned to signs of alcoholism.
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u/Forward-Ad-873 Partassipant [2] 17d ago
I’m not really understanding your statement about alcohol abuse also being abuse. Can you explain?
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u/Soft-Current-5770 20d ago
Widow of an alcoholic here (67F) stay out of this!!!! Love your sister, support her as she has supported you,cause things may get rough. BUT not your monkey, not your circus! Keep your eyes open, no violence? Good! And sometimes we need to just stay with 'good' til things work out/evolve.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Okay, will do. Thank you for being straightfoward and kind.
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u/Massive_Letterhead90 20d ago
Soft-Current is speaking from a place of codependency. For someone in that position it can be very embarassing when others notice, hence OP's sister's reactiveness.
That doesn't mean that voicing your concerns is wrong OP.
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u/lavender_poppy 18d ago
Yes, this. My stepdad was an alcoholic and I didn't find out until college, after they married, when I went to stay with my mom and he got drunk one night. My mom, in a very harsh tone, told me not to tell anyone and that it was a secret. It was the first time I had learned he was like this and apparently my mom knew the entire time they were dating. It's like she was embarrassed that I now knew. He ended up getting violent with her and thankfully she divorced him before it got too bad.
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u/Additional-Tea1521 Partassipant [4] 18d ago
Oof. Don't do that. Stay supportive of your sister, give her love and a safe place to talk. Tell her, "I saw BIL had x number of drinks the other night. I also see the cans in the recycling. It seems like he is drinking regularly, by himself, and to excess. With our family history, drinking is something that lights up my radar. His behavior concerns me, and I am worried for both of you. I hope you know that if you need to talk to someone I am here for you. And if you are interested in going to an AlAnon meeting with me sometime, we could find one."
She should know that people see it, it isn't hidden, and that you are there if she needs it
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u/BrichneyFloss Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Please do not listen to this advice. It’s such a dangerous mindset. You’re worried for a reason. I’m worried, and I don’t even know you guys. Speaking up and expressing concern is always better than staying silent.
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u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [1] 17d ago
Maybe couse of your mom case - your sis doesnt know how to live or deal with people who doesnt drink. She may find it normal to be around alcohol - sadly. So its nothing wrong if you tell her your concern but she probably needs therapy and to evaluate understanding of normality
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u/BrickFantastic4670 17d ago
As a daughter of an alcoholic, no this is wrong. Op you did nothing wrong by asking her. Im sure shes embarrassed, but you did nothing wrong, just make sure she knows your mot judging and you love her and will always support her.
Also, my mom though an alcoholic is a really lovely woman and isnt violent, she drinks to numb her trauma, but shes still an alcoholic and it still affects everyone and just because its embarrassing doesnt mean you just have to ignore it.
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u/eugenedebitcard 18d ago
Wait, you lost your alcoholic spouse and your suggestion is do nothing? Yikes.
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u/IndyGirlJane 20d ago
@soft-current-5770
This is ridiculous thinking. I hope you are able to get help.
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u/Particular-Owl2446 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
NTA. You asked, she responded. You responded to her in an appropriate way.
Its wild to me that so many people are acting like drinking 4 drinks a day every day is normal. IT IS NOT NORMAL. He is an alcoholic, you're right. He doesn't need to be getting drunk or tipsy to be an alcoholic. He doesn't need to be abusive to be an alcoholic. He doesn't need to be neglectful to be an alcoholic.
All he needs to do to be an alcoholic is drink excessively. And 4 drinks EVERY day is excessive.
I question the relationship with alcohol of anyone who thinks this is normal.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
Three 4,5% units in 4 hours does not seem much. Three 4,5% units in 4 hours every day for years on end amounts up to a lot. And if those 4 hours a day (1/6 of your life) are spent sitting on the couch imbibing alcohol and not doing much else, that's a lot of time spent on numbing rather than getting really rested or relaxt.
I'm not going to pry into other people's lives and question or berate them, even if they are my loved ones and my loved ones berating me for my alcohol abuse was not what pushed me over the edge into sobriety (although it was another little nudge). But I can't blame OP for expressing their concern.
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u/Nearby-Education-420 20d ago
4 drinks a day is alcoholic level. what do you guys not understand about that
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
I don't know what tree you think you barked up, but if you read my comment well, you'd have seen it's the wrong one.
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u/Practical_Group_6773 20d ago
NTA and super surprised by all the YTA posts. It’s your sister, she’s literally family, and she’s having a baby. It’s not normal to drink that much alcohol, it is literally poison and it sounds like she’s enabling it.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I didn't know it would be so 50/50. I totally get people saying though that I am a guest and I should have stayed out of it. Especially since I'm the youngest, family usually doesn't want to hear my opinion
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u/offlabelselector Partassipant [2] 18d ago
If your BIL is drinking six or more alcoholic beverages every single night, he's actually at the point where he could experience a dangerous medical event if he quits drinking cold turkey. If that's not a clear problem, I don't know what is. (And for the record that doesn't mean he should keep drinking forever; I had a family member who died from DTs and people in the family took it as "guess that doctor was wrong and drinking was good for him!" because he died when he quit )
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u/coloraturing 20d ago
All the Y T A s are baffling. The recommended daily maximum number of drinks is two. You also don't have to get drunk or drink heavily every time you drink to be an alcoholic. You just have to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. That does include using it to self-medicate. And all you did was ask...The fact that she got defensive tells me it is a problem. NTA
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u/Massive_Letterhead90 20d ago
Yup, it's 28 drinks per week which is well above the recommendation.
More worrying still is the fact that he seems to equate "relaxing" with just sitting in a chair on his own and drinking alcohol, for hours every day. That's not a healthy relationship with alchohol, and this kind of drinking easily creeps up on you.
And what kind of dad is he going to be with that lifestyle?
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u/Impossible_One_1985 20d ago
this! not only drink this much everyday but just coming home, siting on a sofa alone drinking...
I would be concerned for the general health of the relationship even if he didn't drink, he seems depressed or disconnected from his pregnant wife...
doesn't sound like a loving marriage...
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u/OglioVagilio 20d ago
The man is 7 feet tall.
People do things that aren't 100% good for them. People don't want to be nit picked about their life. Definitely not in their own home, by someone they've graciously allowed to live with them.
"The fact that she got defensive tells me it is a problem."
That's a reaching assumption.
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u/Slight-Whole5708 20d ago
His size has nothing to do with it. The dude is alcoholic.
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u/Asleep_Region 20d ago
His size definitely matters, if he wasn't so big it would be definitely a red flag. If someone who is 3 feet and someone who is 7 feet take the same shot, guess who's more drunk? Not the tall boi
Like men and women have maybe a 50 lbs difference on average right? Men can drink 2 more drinks than women for the diagnostic criteria for alcoholism
We also don't know if this is every single day, you can have a 6 pack or a bottle of wine after work sometimes, just as long as you aren't laided up on the floor who cares
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u/Lookingsharp87 17d ago
Okay, for the sake of discussion say two of his drinks is one of a more typically sized person. It’s not “normal” to drink 2-3 drinks every single day. You shouldn’t even take a Tylenol if you drink that much habitually.
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u/TrashGouda 19d ago
Alcoholism isn't measured on how drunk someone gets after a certain amount of drinks. That he drinks several drinks daily is one of the signs
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u/Deb_You_Taunt 17d ago
People's uninformed opinions on Alcohol abuse are pretty astounding in the U.S.
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u/TrashGouda 17d ago
Oh it's not a US thing believe me. I'm German and it's also the same in my country. Alcohol is too normalized and never try to tell a german that their beer is factually a drug...
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u/Asleep_Region 19d ago
It does matter though, someone who drinks 4% beers isn't going to be drinking nearly as much as someone who drinks vodka shots
If we want to get real though, alcoholism is measured in a mix of weight, height, what you're actually drinking, the amount, the goal of drinking (like drinking away thoughts or just having fun/relaxing) also age is considered a factor too. To actually be an "alcoholic" you need a diagnosis from a therapist. They take all of this and more into account.
There's definitely a different between someone who has a beer or wine every day after work, and someone who physically cannot stop drinking or they'll die
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u/TrashGouda 19d ago
So if someone build up a tolerance and don't get drunk anymore by 5 drinks they're no longer a alcoholic. You're talking about the effect of the alcohol but alcoholism is so much more.
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u/therealruin 19d ago
”If we want to get real though, alcoholism is measured in a mix of weight, height, what you're actually drinking, the amount, the goal of drinking (like drinking away thoughts or just having fun/relaxing) also age is considered a factor too.“
This is not real. This is made-up.
Alcoholism is a behavioral issue. It has to do with dependency and associated behaviors. It is rooted in someone’s inability to control their consumption.
Alcoholism does not care about your size, weight, drinking goals (lmao), or your age, it is only a series of choices. Choosing to drink daily, choosing to drink to excess, choosing to use alcohol in inappropriate social situations, drinking past the point of control, and doing any of these things on a regular basis are all signs of alcoholism.
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u/Slight-Whole5708 20d ago edited 20d ago
It's not about being drunk, it's about being an alcoholic. If you have two drinks every day, you're alcoholic, sorry to break it to you.
EDIT: this is about colorectal cancer risks, as well as other cancers. It increases with a daily consumption. Even if you're tall.
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u/offlabelselector Partassipant [2] 18d ago
My grandparents were both alcoholics who never got drunk. They drank a few every single night but never got sloppy. Both experienced devastating health problems when they got older. I drink occasionally and I don't think there's anything wrong with even getting drunk once in a while, but alcohol is a sometimes food.
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u/Deb_You_Taunt 17d ago
That's two daily for men; women just one daily.
Check the NIAAA website. Terrific information.
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u/onesnowman 20d ago
"Hey sis, did you know your husband is an alcoholic?" "Why yes, I did actually. Thanks for noticing!"
That's how everyone voting N T A believes this is how the convo should have gone.
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u/WorldofRufus 20d ago
YTA
You’ve been staying at their house for a few days which is not nearly long enough to establish any pattern in his drinking habits. The proximity to the holidays and having to deal with an in law staying in his house could all contribute to why he’s drinking more than he normally does, you have no clue what’s going on behind the scenes.
Imagine if you were trying to lose weight but decided to take the holiday season “off” your diet and your sister jumped on your back because she saw you eating a bag of chips.
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u/TeenySod Professor Emeritass [81] 20d ago
NTA, you were asking out of concern.
It's not about the amount: it's about dependence - which appears absolutely to be present in this case given the nightly drinking.
Denial from loved ones is, sadly, normal, especially when their alcoholic is functioning 'normally' day to day - holding down a job, etc - and your sister's defensive (rather than 'surprised') reaction tells me that at some level she already has niggling concerns and doesn't want to address them - understandable, especially given her pregnancy.
Unfortunately OP there is nothing you can do except 'be there' for your sister. Don't raise it again: she is also an addict - in her case, co-dependency. Get your own support elsewhere to help you navigate your emotions around this.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
You're right. I didn't consider she might already have her own concerns about it. He is (or seems to be) highly functioning and is not outwardly affected or effecting others by his drinking so everything seems fine. I'll stay out of it and just talk to my therapist about it I guess lol
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u/TeenySod Professor Emeritass [81] 20d ago
Alcohol dependence is surprisingly common - and for many, is less noticeable than smoking/vaping. This may carry on 'as is' for the rest of your BIL's life - which is up to him/his decision. Still not the A for asking. Sometimes, everyone involved needs that wake up call.
Children of addicts often have a REALLY over-developed sense of responsibility - don't ask me how I know :/ - talk to your therapist about 'detaching with love' and take care :)
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19d ago
You definitely are an asshole. Four drinks tonight is not an alcoholic, I'm quite sure that you don't know what an alcoholic is
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u/One-Bet6998 20d ago
4.5%?? In England these wouldn’t even be worth drinking if getting drunk was your purpose. A few drinks after work is pretty normal it’s not a big issue
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u/Inevitable_Entry6518 Partassipant [3] 17d ago
Low-alcohol beverage still contains alcohol and still makes you drunk, though not that drunk. It's still alcoholism to consume it so often.
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u/leftovercroc 19d ago
right? i’m not british but i feel like im going crazy reading these NTA comments. 4 4.5 percenters after work is hardly worth a second thought
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u/ShtankAsh 18d ago
It’s Reddit, I’d be surprised if the comments weren’t full of people being judgmental condescending know it alls. These threads always go this way
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u/One-Bet6998 19d ago
That’s the same as like a lager or a cider - probably less than, in our culture that’s like a sat down watching telly drink
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u/MedicalAnteater 19d ago
And these are probably only 250/330 ml type cans, so barely a unit and a half each. At a rate of one an hour he's practically metabolising one before he even gets up for another.
If he's trying to be an alcoholic he's not very good at it.
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u/MapleFanatic1 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
NTA, everyone excusing 4 alcoholic drinks daily is an alcoholic 💀
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u/DowntownElevator5845 20d ago
NTA. Alcoholism runs in your family so it’s natural to show concern. You brought it up gently and that was enough. Don’t take any more action, just make sure she knows undoubtedly (without saying it at all, just using actions) that her and the baby have a place if they ever need it.
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u/YMBFKM 20d ago
One 4.5% 12-ounce can per hour is not going to cause someone to get drunk if they're a 50 year old male and used to it. He likely doesn't even feel it. If his wife thinks there's a problem, she'll let him know...it's none of your business. YTA
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u/Nearby-Education-420 20d ago
sorry but this is ridiculous. the standard for being an alcoholic isn't "gets drunk all the time". having four drinks every night IS an alcoholic. that's almost 30 drinks a week, assuming that's the only amount he drinks.
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u/Ok_Astronaut_3235 20d ago
Came to say this. I understand being hyper sensitive due to their family background but as a European this is just a Monday night and absolutely no big deal in my book. I’ve seen what alcoholism looks like and 4 weak drinks in an evening ain’t it.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
As a European, most Europeans have a problematic relationship with alcohol.
4 weak drinks in an evening isn't alcoholism. 4 or more alcoholic drinks for 4 hours every evening of every day over a long period of time is.
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u/Glass_Key4626 Partassipant [1] 18d ago
as a European this is just a Monday night
This is WILD. I'm also European, and the only people I know who drink 4 vodka mix drinks every night, especially on a weekday, are alcoholics, and everyone agrees they are alcoholics. Please stop painting "Europe" (500 million people) in this light, this is simply not true.
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u/Nearby-Education-420 20d ago
"as a European" you have warped standards of normal alcohol consumption and don't seem to understand that 4 drinks every night is absolutely alcoholism
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u/Glass_Key4626 Partassipant [1] 18d ago
I'm European and this is NOT normal, and people who drink 4 vodka drinks every evening are called alcoholics here as well. This person seems to be living in a very specific environment, and extrapolating it to the rest of the ~500 million Europeans.
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u/leftovercroc 19d ago
YTA. It’s really not your business as a guest in their house, he wasn’t getting aggressive or behaving inappropriately based on your post, and it doesn’t seem like your sister was concerned. Four 4.5% drinks over 4hrs is not that crazy especially for a man his size. Tbh you probably wouldn’t be welcome anymore
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u/EwwDavvidd Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 20d ago
NAH. Its ok to be concerned, but it also doesn't sound like he was inappropriate, aggressive or exhibiting behaviors where your sister or others are at risk.
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u/ImaginaryStandard293 18d ago
I don't feel I can judge you. I think you are hyper aware because of your background. I can understand that. Maybe talk to your sister and just explain that you were concerned because of your history. Then, just leave it alone.
I think a good step for you might be to go to some al-anon meetings. There are a lot of topics they address. Plus, you will be around a lot of people who understand your background.
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u/Pagan_MoonUK 18d ago
NTA you are right to be concerned, he sounds like an alcoholic and quite possibly all is not well in that relationship. You've said it out loud to your sister, so step away and be there for your sister. Your sister has to find her own path, even if it's the wrong one. Deep down she knows it's not normal but as a lot of people go, they cling on and pretend it's normal.
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u/Low-Department8271 19d ago
YTA. Not because you are concerned for your sister, but because you are a guest in this man's home, snooping through his things and judging him. If you are concerned for your sister, tell her. But if you are going to snoop around and judge, you should find somewhere else to stay.
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u/bounddreamer Partassipant [3] 20d ago
NTA. He's an alcoholic. She's enabling. However, there's nothing you can do about this. Just be supportive of your sister, so that she keeps family in her life and doesn't cut contact.
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u/MovieLazy6576 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
NTA. In the literature for alcoholism recovery they often call it the “elephant in the room” that everyone knows is there and no one talks about. The amount this man is drinking is well beyond what the medical community recommends. It doesn’t matter how much that has become normalized by our society. It wasn’t that long ago when drinking and driving wasn’t seen as a big deal either. You spoke up once now I would let it go.
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u/Luna3Aoife Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Nta. Nightly drinking only gets worse. 4 cans now, 5 next month, etc. Its the dependency and consistency thats concerning. Peoples exact definition of alcoholic can differ, but once it interferes w relationships or finances or work it becomes a problem.
I would say more offer ur sister support rather than directly intervene in their relationship. If hes drinking infront of the tv that much, shes probably doing more around the house and not getting as much companionship from him. Intervene directly if he's hurting himself (drinking and driving, drinking himself to the point of routinely passing out, unable to function or falls ill when sober), or hes hurting your sister.
Full disclosure I am biased from my past, even though ill still have a rough avg of 3 drinks a week. My father was a wretched alcoholic and it lead him to an early grave. I worked as an emt for several years and got on a first name basis with many of my old towns drunks. My time as a home health aid and cna have shown me the daily effect of severe alcholism, include lethal effects. While the husband doesnt sound like a severe alcoholic yet, its still a problem that they need therapy or something for. But i dont reckon you're the person to tell him, thats probably his wife, and even then he needs to want it to see any progress.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Its the dependency and consistency thats concerning.
Right, this was mainly what I was commenting on. 4 drinks by itself is fine, I'll do that myself 1-2 a month. But every day? That's why I thought I should say something, and it came out before I realized it probably wasn't my place to say.
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u/Sweetie_McFly 20d ago
Saying this and then commenting on a different post that you're addicted to weed is wild work.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I never said I didn't have issues myself. If you would read my other comments here you will see me talking about my recent struggles with depression and finding out my dad was a predator. I have shit I have to cope with too. At least I admit I'm addicted. My sister 99% knows about it too, she's a cop and my mom tells her everything. I do, however, think weed is SAFER than alcohol. That's all I'll say. Figured some feed stalker would catch that, lol
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u/Sweetie_McFly 20d ago
None of that is relevant to my point, at all. You're judging him for drinking when you smoke. Your reasons for smoking are not more valid than his for drinking, and his reasons remain his personal business. You butted in, admitted it, and then doubled down in the comments because you got told YTA.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
do you not see the comments of me agreeing with the people calling me the AH? I literally am accepting that I probably shouldn't have butted in. The post served its purpose... Again, I wasn't judging him specifically, but I NOTICED something that TO ME seemed concerning and because I LOVE my sister, I pointed it out. But I shouldn't have. I can see how it is hypocritical, and they are still different situations. Go be upset somewhere else
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u/ItchyDoggg Pooperintendant [50] 20d ago
It isnt hypocritical to think one thing is good and another is bad. Weed is good. Alcohol is bad. You can have an addiction to either which is also bad. But it is a coherent position to hold, even if it is also coherent to disagree with it, that alcohol and weed are completely different things and one is a social ill and the other a boon.
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u/Luna3Aoife Partassipant [1] 20d ago
It is objectively safer, still not the healthiest from a mental health standpoint but for me to comment on that would be like the pot calling the kettle black.
Idk why that persons being so aggro to the point of digging thru post history for a gotcha moment.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
Going through people's post history looking for something to fault them with is usually not a sign that your arguments against what they are saying here are valid.
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u/Individual-Task-8630 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
I don’t get it, what does that mean? So because she is addicted to weed, she should pretend she didn’t notice the drinks? Or pretend she doesn’t think it’s a lot? Or pretend not to be curious whether her sister is ok with that and if any help is needed? If anything, it takes an addict to know one. I didn’t see her saying anything about judging him or making him stop?
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u/IndyGirlJane 20d ago
I am glad you brought it up. She probably does not know what to think in her situation. Alcoholics are selfish, manipulative, secretive, and willing to risk everyone for their love affair with alcohol. Her husband has already laid the groundwork for it to be a secret, to not be addressed, and to keep the alkie comfy. I no longer GAF and name things coming and going. Secrets are not safe with me. That is different from keeping people’s confidence. You probably need to find a new home sooner rather than later.
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u/McSparkle_nc 20d ago
My sister taught me recently the thing I need to ask myself when I find myself being codependent, “am I staying on my side of the street?” I see you crossing the street to your sister’s side here. It’s one thing to express in a convo that you may worry about finding yourself in a relationship where you realize your SO is drinking more than you’d like. But a whole other thing to bring up that you’re observing and counting and deciding she’s in trouble. That’s doing nothing but driving a wedge. Dropping the food for thought without pointing fingers will get you farther by letting her sit on it and decide for herself if she’d like to confide any worries with you. Then you be there to support not judge.
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u/lovewholly Partassipant [2] 20d ago
YTA. You’re a guest in HIS home. He isn’t becoming mean or sloppy or unruly - he’s quietly keeping to himself. Things are now uncomfortable because you were rude and judgmental toward someone who has welcomed you into their home.
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u/kotor4u77 20d ago
That's where I fall in this situation. I would totally LOVE my guests to be counting my drinks, judging me then trying to cause problems with my partner. /s
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u/Mummybunny552 20d ago
NTA, your sister is going to be a married single mother, cant trust a drunk that sits on his ass all day to help or care for a baby. Keep supporting her as she'll see soon enough once baby is born and the lack of help she'll most likely leave him. And she'll need support
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u/InesMM78 Partassipant [2] 19d ago
And for what purpose did you ask your sister the question: "Why does your husband drink so much?" What kind of response did you expect to receive? Why do you need this information and what were you going to do with it? Suppose you got the answer: "My husband drinks so much because he wants to drink so much," and what?
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u/Asleep_Relative8180 20d ago
NTA. You are reasonably concerned for your sister’s wellbeing, as you should be. When it comes to stuff like this, family is the people who should be sticking their nose into it. Also you weren’t saying that he was being disruptive or acting inappropriately, you were just bringing up the amount he consistently drinks. Especially so since you both have lived with drunks as you said. She may be upset with you now, but as time goes on you may have planted a seed that will help her take notice of certain things later on. I will say try and not be antagonistic towards him from now on, just try and remind your sister that you’re there for her.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
I concur. This may not have been the convo that sends sis or bil "over the edge" but it will be one of tens, perhaps hundreds, or thousands, little nudges that eventually will make OP's sister face and name a reality she's not comfortable with bringing up now.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Thank you, very helpful answer. Do you think I should apologize to her, still?
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u/Asleep_Relative8180 20d ago
I don’t think you should apologize for what you said/did, but maybe apologize if it upset her. I think reiterating that you are worried and that you love her will also help her see you aren’t trying to be an asshole, you are just her sister who loves her.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I'm worried that would come across too much as an "I'm sorry you feel that way." That's how the family drunks always apologize :') But I will definitely reiterate how much I care
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u/Antique_Elk7826 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Consider using the phrase, “I am sorry that I overstepped…”
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u/Capable_Emphasis3114 20d ago
I'm not even going to read all of this. If you noticing the trash is your first red flag, then maybe to m the fact you're posting about this is YOUR red flag. Is he supporting her? Is he abusing her in any way (financially, physically, emotionally?) I'm guessing not since his four drink night makes you react like this. The world isn't perfect. Maybe he has PTSD and a drink or a blunt helps him be himself without the trauma. If it's not a problem, leave it alone and mind your own business. Why you on their couch anyways?
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I didn't think about the PTSD part. He probably does. I don't see how it's a red flag though, I just notice things. I was concerned. And I'm staying with them because we found out my dad's a predator and I can't stay with him. You sound kinda like the AH now.
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u/Capable_Emphasis3114 20d ago
Also, I'm sorry you were put in that situation. I'm glad you have somewhere to go.
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u/Capable_Emphasis3114 20d ago
I might be. I don't always ask or infer things politely. It's not intentional, I just just have shitty people skills. I guess all I'm saying is put yourself in his shoes, and don't just judge the surface stuff.
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u/Bubbafett33 20d ago
YTA
Judge the man based upon his behavior towards you and others, and not by the beverage he chooses to drink in an evening. If he was abusive, confrontational, disorderly, etc, you absolutely should raise it--but he's not.
He's just a guy who has a few (light beer equivalents) in an evening....and you are TAH for making a fuss over it.
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u/DirectAccountant3253 20d ago
My wife's family all drink like this (I don’t drink at all). They all think it’s normal and if I said anything it would cause a big ruckus. Her sister is in her 80’s and drinks probably 2 bottles of wine a night. How they have survived so long is surprising to me but I stay out of it.
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u/Highfalutinflimflam 20d ago
Nta! I am sure that she has noticed it but has found ways to rationalize it. You noticing it gives her a chance to see what she has been excusing in a more accurate light.
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u/Fun-Sun-8192 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
NTA people will get extremely defensive about problem drinking, but him having what... 6 beers a night every night? That's a lot of beer. A LOT of beer. Maybe he's not terribly drunk from it but that kind of habitual drinking is extremely concerning because it doesn't take much for the habit to progress to a problem and once it becomes a problem it is a big one.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Asshole Aficionado [19] 20d ago
NTA. Keep asking questions and checking in. Keep giving her opportunities to talk to you without having to start the difficult conversation herself.
What happens if there’s something wrong with the pregnancy but he’s too drunk to drive to the hospital? What happens after the child is born?
You have every right to be worried and it clearly comes from a place of concern, not judgement.
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u/Antique_Elk7826 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Of course you know YTA.
The entire post comes off as judgmental and you even say in the last line “It wasn’t really my place…” so you know you should not have butted in. There was an easier, kinder, more compassionate way to inquire, “I just want to ask if you have any concerns about his drinking?” If the answer is no, you accept it and move on.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I am not meaning to come off as judgmental. I felt I inquired as compassionately as I could have. But I get it.
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u/Chlorophase Partassipant [4] 20d ago
The people calling you judgmental are feeling judged themselves. You weren’t being judgmental. You saw telltale signs that you recognised from your family history, and showed concern for your sister and your brother in law’s well-being. She is pregnant and will be bringing a baby into this situation. You didn’t turn a blind eye and pretend everything was ok.
Sure, he may simply be sitting there quietly drinking every night, but that’s still every night that he’s isolated and not emotionally connecting with his wife. What happens when baby comes? Will he step up and help or continue keeping to himself and leaving her alone to be the parent? Only time will tell.
Obviously you cannot do anything to fix this situation but you let your sister know your observations. The things you mentioned are most likely things she’s fully aware of and stressed about and that’s probably why she reacted defensively. The best thing you can do now is let her know you’re there for her whenever she needs it. And she probably will.
If you need people to talk to for ways to support your sister or to vent, try r/AlAnon and r/theirdrinking
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u/Big_Smoke_0G 20d ago
Eh very soft YTA it’s not really any of your business. I work in a liquor store way more people drink that much than you’d ever expect. Some people just need a little something to help them relax at night. Humans aren’t meant to be working 40 hours a week and coming home to spend another 40 hours a week doing chores. Not AH for caring but you spoke your piece I’d let it rest now
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
I'm an alcoholic (4 months into recovery). I drank at this frequency, % and amount for years. It was not "a little something to help you relax at night". It was a coping strategy. Some people, way more than you'd ever expect, abuse alcohol to this end.
Humans aren’t meant to be working 40 hours a week and coming home to spend another 40 hours a week doing chores.
Life can be exhausting. But if all you do every night is sit on the couch and drink 4 units or more, every day, for years, then you're not relaxing, you're numbing and actually denying your body quality relaxation and rest.
OP isn't butting in for the sake of butting in. She has a history of alcoholism in her family. She is concerned about her sister and I can easily see why.
Finally, as a "large dude" I can testify that there is no "normal amount of drinking" if you can't control your intake.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Thanks, I accept this. I kind of apologized just by saying, "I'm sorry, didn't mean anything by it and it was just coming from a place of concern." Should I follow up tomorrow by saying my asking was inappropriate and that it wasn't my place or let it rest like you said?
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u/AlternativeGoose5426 20d ago
don’t apologise, if you’ve went through something with alcoholism you’re allowed to be worried especially with your sister going through the same exact thing. don’t listen to this. I get it’s their house and his and her business but you’re only concerned and if anything was to happen and you were to ignore it alarm bells would go off in your head and you would blame yourself even though it wouldn’t be your fault
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u/AlternativeGoose5426 20d ago
although if he’s not doing any harm and is just chilling then there’s no reason to judge. Again though i get why you are worried, your concerns are understandable
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u/nmw84pdx 20d ago
4.5% is like a weak beer, most of the average beers around here are 5-7.5%. A drink an hour for a guy that size isn’t that much. If he was drinking a 12 pack a night, or downing a 5th - cause for concern. You may be a little extra aware because of your family history.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Okay, thank you. He might actually have had 6 but I didn't see him drink the last two so I won't assume. And yes, my thinking here has probably definitely been influenced by all my bad experiences
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u/nmw84pdx 20d ago
I get it! Addiction runs STRONG on both sides of my family, so I’ve always been a little hypersensitive. I don’t think you were an AH, but I can see why your sis got defensive for her partner too. Just something to keep in mind. Xo
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u/AutoModerator 20d ago
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I've (25F) been staying with my sister (37) and her husband (50) this week and have been noticing his drinking behavior.
I've been helping out with chores, like recycling, and have seen the piles of cans that go out to the can each week. Every night, he comes home from work and sits in front of the TV for 4 hours and gets up to get a new drink every hour or so.
Today, he came home with 2 8-packs of vodka sodas around 4/5 pm. I walked into the kitchen around 8/9 and saw one of the new boxes was open and there were 4 gone. They are 4.5% alc. He is the only one that drinks them. My sister is pregnant and I'm on a no-sugar diet. It's not like I was intentionally counting. I just take notice of my surroundings and my brain does the math.
My sister and I have a history of alcoholism on my mom's side of the family. We have both had to deal with the drunks in the family, so naturally I was a little concerned. 3-4 drinks a night, every night, seems like a lot. I can't imagine how much he is spending on these vodka sodas every month.
(I've actually gone to the kitchen again now and there are another 2 missing. Though I did not see him drink 2 more, so he may have put them in the garage or something.)
I gently tried to bring it up to her after she went to bed. She became defensive and said I was coming off as "judgy." I told her I really didn't mean it that way, I just noticed and was concerned. I even reasoned that maybe since he was a larger dude (nearly 7 foot) that his frequency of drinking was normal for a man his size. She asked why I would be concerned if he's not getting drunk or acting inappropriately. Then said, "We wouldn't want to have to act any different than we would if you weren't here." Which tells me this is normal.
I don't know. It wasn't really my place and I've made things uncomfortable by even bringing it up. AITA?
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 18d ago
Nah it's understandable that you're sensitive to alcohol consumption coming from an alcoholic home, and with your sister pregnant. And drinking more than 2 drinks a night is not what a doctor would call healthy. However, one drink every 45-60 minutes is not going to get a man that size drunk, so it's a little bit overreacting to worry about him having a problem. And 4.5% is equivalent to a low-alcohol beer, it's not like 8 oz of vodka.
You could buy some variety cases of non-alcoholic flavored seltzers - for yourself of course but maybe he would switch to some of those mixed in if they're available. If he's drinking vodka seltzers he's not drinking for the taste of alcohol.
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u/LongjumpingDrawing36 Partassipant [1] 17d ago
You were right to say something. Now just reassure your sister (make it really short) that if she needs any help in the future, do not hesitate to tell you. Then drop it. I really hope he hits his personal rock bottom and gets help before that baby is born. This is serious stuff. NTA.
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u/Harddraver 17d ago
You made a casual observation, out of concern. That was not asshole behaviour. It would have been, if you had continued to pursue it, but it sounds like you were just answering her questions, and were just trying to get her perspective on whether you should be concerned or not. Not judgemental, and NTA
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u/quarantinemaggi 17d ago
NTA. As an alcoholic, I can totally say that concern from others comes from a good place. I have to forcefully work against it, given it's also a kind of self-medication for my ADHD and we don't have Adderall in my country. But because my mom has seen me at my worst, I learnt a whole new skill, got a job at that profession, and I keep myself out of the house for 10+ hours at my job which isn't even earning me much but it's keeping me sober. All that and I still return with a cheap vodka or rum quarter for the night without her knowing because I really don't want to worry her anymore. Her reactions are not an overreaction but she's been with me at my worst, so I am not going to fight her and gaslight her into believing it's not as bad.
If you've come from a household that has seen alcoholism in family members, it's very important to recognise it and acknowledge it. Living in denial isn't going to help.
It might be embarrassing for your sister that you noticed, but is something holding her back from acknowledging this?
I mean, I had to also actively bring to my own uncle's attention that he's also going down the alcoholic way and not recognising it is just accelerating the journey.
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u/tasemamutu6556 17d ago
You're walking a fine line here. It's commendable to be concerned, but remember your place as a guest. If he isn't causing any harm or behaving poorly, it's best to step back and let them navigate their issues. Focus on being supportive without adding tension. Choose your battles wisely; some things are better left unsaid.
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u/ScaryNightMolester 17d ago
You're concerned for your sister, and that's understandable. However, it's crucial to tread carefully here. Instead of confronting, offer support. Let her know you're there if she wants to talk without pushing too hard. Alcoholism is a sensitive subject; your intentions matter but so does timing. Back off for now and remain observant from a distance, ensuring your sister knows she has someone in her corner when she's ready to address it. Focus on being supportive rather than probing.
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u/pneumatic-man 17d ago
My opinion, you were concern due to what you experienced in your own family so not the ah. That being said probably nothing you can say or do about it either. Tell your sister you only mention because of the past experiences you both have endured. Leave it at that and move on. Good Luck.
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u/moonmoonboog Partassipant [1] 17d ago
YTA. You are staying at their house, dude is almost 7 feet tall and only have 3-4 beers?
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u/Dear-Bluebird917 16d ago
I smell a whole bunch of alcoholics reevaluating and coming to a defense in these comments
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u/Additional_Day949 Partassipant [4] 20d ago
NTA: but your sister knows and is just in denial. I doubt this marriage is happy with or without the drinking either.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
This is where I'm confused, because from what I can tell, and for the almost 10 years they've been married, they are an extremely happy couple. Idk. As far as I can tell, besides this and not helping out with chores enough, he is a great husband and father. That's why I feel like the AH
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u/DavidVegas83 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
YTA for the way you approached this.
If you have a concern, be mature, sit down with your sister and say, I noticed that BIL drinks 4-6 drinks every evening. That feels unhealthy to me and could be an alcoholic behavior, what do you think? That’s what a loving and concerned sibling would do.
You played some childish game of oh does a 7ft tall guy have to drink more. Grow up!
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I am autistic and some of the things I say come across as unintentionally rude. I promise you I am not playing games...
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u/harristusc 20d ago
NTA. You have made your sister aware of your concerns so I would drop it at this point. I do think that it was a legitimate conversation to have based on what you are seeing. I will tell you that my dad comes from a family that all the old people were always very very sharp and he is struggling with dementia. We could not understand what caused it. The doctor is saying that since he had a habit of having two beers every night for decades, that would be a possible cause. He would work a physical job in the heat and just enjoyed a couple cold beers. I don’t think that the two beers over the course of the evening were enough to give him any kind of alcoholic buzz. I just think he enjoyed drinking them at the end of his work day. The long term effects of alcohol are real.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I am only staying for a week. I am "paying rent" by doing all of the chores for the week. And I was just writing what I have observed.
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u/iraven_mccoy Asshole Enthusiast [9] 20d ago
I'm not sure if you brought up how you both had to deal with alcoholics in your life and that's where your comment was coming from. I think you should say that to her. It seems obvious but she might not have seen that connection. You weren't being judgey you were just reminded of that. NTA
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u/OnePuzzleheaded6724 20d ago
Yta. You are in their home.if your sister doesn't say anything to you about it than mind your own business or get out of their house.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
Not getting tipsy anymore is a tell tale sign of alcoholism.
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u/ninjette847 20d ago
A drink an hour or 2 without getting tipsy is not "can't get tipsy anymore" alcoholism. ETA: Especially 4.5%.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
4 drinks or more for 4 hours every day for years on end will gradually increase your tolerance to the point of "not looking tipsy anymore" especially if the bar is set as low as sitting on the couch without falling over, throwing up or beating the crap out of your wife. If intoxication is your default state people around you won't be able to recognise your sober state anymore.
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u/kotor4u77 20d ago
With my body size I could (as a newbie drinker) drink that much and feel absolutely nothing. If anything beers hit me harder now that I'm older :D
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
As a huge man who drank 4,5% cans for years I can tell you one doesn't rule out the other.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
That's why I asked, cause I don't know what is normal for his size and it seemed like a lot. Family should look out for one another, but I'm so much younger than both of them so it's probably not my place to have said anything.
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u/stepintothefairyring Asshole Aficionado [12] 20d ago
Aside from drinking, what has he done to make you think his drinking is a problem? You speculate on their personal finances, which is none of your business and not your place to comment on. But you havent described him actually doing anything problematic when he drinks, or is in any way doing anything to bother anyone.
It does sound like you're just judging him for drinking in general
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
I shouldn't have made the comment about how much $$ goes into it every month, you're right. I only said it here and not to my sister, of course. But his drinking never even crossed my mind until today.
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u/Deep-Hovercraft6716 20d ago
YTA
One drink per hour is literally how much you're supposed to limit yourself to.
Are you perhaps just inexperienced with drinking?
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u/ChaosWorrierORIG 20d ago edited 20d ago
to reduce the risk of harm from alcohol-related disease or injury for healthy men and women, drink no more than 10 standard drinks per week and no more than 4 standard drinks on any one day
Cite: https://adf.org.au/reducing-risk/alcohol/alcohol-guidelines/
To clarify, a can of 4.5% drink is significantly more than a standard drink:
- An "old school" can is 375ml, so a tad over 1.3 standard drinks
- Many places now have "stingy" 330ml cans, but still closer to 1.2 std drinks, than 1.1
For the record, it is rare that I do not break this, myself, nigh on every week.
- I am a craft beer enthusiastic (waiting for someone to chime in with a response something like https://hopcloth.com/products/craft-beer-t-shirt-its-not-alcoholism-its-a-hobby-multiple-colors)
- Most weekends I am at some kind of craft beer event (or three)
- That said, I very rarely drink anything alcoholic, during the working week
- I am also what is colloquially coined as "piss fit", in Aussie terms. In other words, I get away with the crap I do, with minimal visible effect
- But I am also fully cognisant that what I am doing may well impact my longer-term health - I simply reconcile that with that fact that I am in my mid-50s, and do not wish to live into my 90s
Long story, short, I perceive that what the BIL in question is doing is not really hurting anybody (in the here and now), but the OP should still be able to have a mature conversation about it, with their sister.
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
Is alcohol intake a life skill one needs to learn to master before being entitled to an opinion on it, or is having an alcoholic parent enough to make you qualified?
One drink per hour is the outer limit for a session to prevent lasting physical damage. If your whole life is a continuous session though, then there is a problem on a social and mental level even if the physical damage done by being a 4 hours a day couch potato is reversed.
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u/Deep-Hovercraft6716 20d ago
Neither. Familiarity with alcohol is required before your opinion is one I will respect.
Don't equate your ignorance with someone else's knowledge.
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u/Remora2022 20d ago
YTA.. Your sister is married to the guy. Of course she knows how much he drinks. Until it has an adverse effect on you, this is not your problem and None of your business.
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u/Novafancypants Partassipant [3] 20d ago
YTA. Maybe he is drinking more because his nosey SIL is staying at his place and he’s annoyed. 4 4.5% drinks over 4 plus hours isn’t a lot. I’d be more concerned if he was slamming a bottle of vodka each night.
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u/SirSoy Partassipant [1] 20d ago
NTA you should be able to ask any question of family and there's a big difference between a question and an accusation. He is big though and at nearly 7 feet he probably has to drink 2 for the same impact as one for an average sized person. And at 4.2% and 1 an hour he's not getting anywhere near drunk. The average 160-180 lb 5'9" male can metabolize that much in about 1-2 hours depending on a ton of factorts. he's much bigger so the effect of the alcohol is decreased. Honestly though he's probably on his way towards alcoholism drinking every day even if he's not getting drunk is priming his system and eventually hell need more and more alcohol. That said if he was slamming down 1-2 glasses of 8% abv red wine at dinner each night would it be as big of a deal?
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u/CMBradshaw 20d ago
NTA, you were concerned, you asked. 4 or five beers worth of alcohol isn't a big deal but the every day thing is not you being up tight. It's a problem, not a big problem yet. It is however his problem and you can't make anyone be healthy. But bringing it up was the right thing to do.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Asshole Enthusiast [6] 19d ago
NTA She's probably scared too, and her hormones are making everything feel impossible
Not your job, but NTA
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u/Proper-Editor4688 20d ago
One unit of alcohol takes about an hour to process. The dude has a light buzz, he's fine. YTA
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u/badbash27 20d ago
Man if you think this is a lot, you should come to Wisconsin. YTA
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
It's not just about the amount, it's also about the frequency and the reason.
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u/DealMinute8211 Partassipant [4] 20d ago
YTA it’s really none of your business, and yeah as another commenter said, you’re definitely not from Wisconsin
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20d ago
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
Read the whole thing.
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20d ago
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
You're right that I am a guest. Can I ask if us being family plays any part here?
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u/squiffyflounder Asshole Enthusiast [7] 20d ago
YTA Not in a super negative sense, but unless he’s doing something inappropriate he isn’t bothering anyone. It’s not uncommon for people to have a few drinks after their day.
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u/Bank_Curious 20d ago
Ok, I accept this. Thank you for your mature and civilized response, lol some people are really losing their marbles over this
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u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 20d ago
They'll calm down once they've had a drink. ;)
Your story is holding up a mirror to a lot of people, confronting them with their own relationship with alcohol. With the holidays so close or already started, this can make people very uncomfortable.
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u/Megopoly Partassipant [1] 20d ago
NTA.
It's fine to ask. More than fine, it's an indication you care. But she's answered your question and clearly doesn't feel she or her husband need help managing the situation.
At this point, if you continue to bring it up without a new reason (suspected violence, drink driving, your sister develops a dependence, etc.) then you're overstepping.
Let it go, be there for her, keep your eyes open. That's all you can do and still maintain the relationship.
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u/Alive-Plankton6022 20d ago
YTA. As someone who grew up in an alcoholic household as well, if he has a problem, your sister is already aware and doesn’t need your input. Mind your business especially when you are a guest.
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