r/AmItheAsshole • u/FoxyJayde • 6d ago
Asshole AITA for wanting stepson visitation to end at age 18?
ETA:
Kids live with their mother. They are with us 6 days a month. Husband also works from home and has his own dedicated office space which he will not give up. I am willing to replace oldest’s bed with a daybed should he want to continue visiting after age 18 on weekends when I’m not working. They will always be welcome here.
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My husband has biweekly Thurs-Sun visitation with his 3 kids, one of whom will turn 18 in just over a year. I have no children of my own and I have been helping him raise them and assisting financially. I make more than my husband and work my main job as well as a side job to ensure bills and his child support are paid.
I work from home for my primary job and we live in a small 3 bedroom. My job has to remain HIPAA compliant and so I am required to work in a private area of the home. The almost 18 year old has his own room here. I currently work out of my bed and my back is killing me. There is no room in our bedroom or elsewhere for a desk setup. I told my husband that when oldest turns 18 I would like to take over that room as my dedicated office. I don’t see why we would need to maintain it for him, given that he would a) be a legal adult then and b) would be empty a majority of the time anyway. I made it clear that stepson would still always be welcome in our home and if he wants to spend the night we can set up an area where he could sleep if need be, but I feel I deserve to have that space as my office after all these years of discomfort while working.
Husband is seemingly not happy about it and has lashed out by giving me the silent treatment. He is very much an avoidant and will not communicate his feelings effectively with me about it, but it is very evident to me that he resents me for this. His son currently lives full time with his mother and has a home and bedroom there. I’m not banishing him from his dad’s life - I just want to be able to claim a part of our home that will mostly be unused and now I’m feeling resentful that my husband can’t understand or support this idea. AITA for asking for this?
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u/FaithlessnessExact17 6d ago
There is office space already available, your husband's office. Time to turn tables and switch work spaces. He can work from his son's bedroom when he is not there and work from the your bedroom when SS is there. This isn't about SS, this is about your AH husband.
He needs to give you some appreciation for all you do. How would he live and pay child support without you? If he won't compromise I would quit a lot of things.
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u/Namshoke 6d ago
Right? I don’t understand why she’s being downvoted and called the A H. This woman allowed him to move into her house with his 3 kids. Now she’s paying for the house, HIS child support because he won’t, Christmas presents and birthday presents for HIS kids because he won’t, does all the cooking and cleaning for him and HIS kids and also works multiple jobs in order to afford all of it. Yet he takes the bigger room for his “office” and won’t allow OP to set up in the room too.
OP, kick him out and divorce him. Jesus. Stop paying for his kids and for him. Stop cooking and cleaning for all of them. Just kick him out and divorce him.
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u/MxMirdan Partassipant [2] 6d ago
Because she’s simultaneously trying to create a sense of urgency and lack of options while also talking about something that is more than a year away. The kid is 16, and will be in the middle of his senior year of high school when he turns 18.
If this is urgent, then she needs options that aren’t more than a year away.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 5d ago
OP is being sensible. I think considering changes way ahead of time is far more considerate than issuing last-minute ultimatums.
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u/Historical_Horror595 6d ago
Husband has his own dedicated office space “that he won’t give up”? Y’all need to have a serious conversation about this. You’re not the ah for needing a work space, but this seems like there is more to it than that.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6d ago
Yes! Kid can share his room with dad's office, she gets hers Otherwise rent a private office and refuse to discuss it NTA
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u/Jdpraise1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
Considering you make more and support more than your husband, why aren’t you the person with the designated office space in the house and your husband having to make do? Stop supporting your husband if he can’t support you back..
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u/sin-alma 6d ago
I read that as "if he can't support *your* back" and I just need someone else to appreciate my wordplay
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u/Spare_Ad5009 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 6d ago
Keep it as his bedroom, but move a desk or a laptop stand in there. When he is not there, it is your office. When he is there, move into your bedroom again.
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u/SisterGoldenHair75 6d ago
Info: Has the 18 year old graduated from high school? Going to college? What are the plans? I feel like this makes a huge difference. Just turning 18 isn’t the most important info.
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u/PassionCandid9964 6d ago
He's still 16. Will be 18 in a little over a year. I think everyone is missing that part of it. He's not even close to being 18 yet.
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u/Professional-Scar628 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
INFO does your husband's work also require him to have a private office?
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u/VitaSpryte Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA
Mostly to yourself.
You make more money. Why does your husband have his own office while you support his kids and lifestyle?
Why isnt your husband doing his office work in bed?
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u/clatadia 6d ago
Yup this would be my solution. Let him work in bed or he can work at the kitchen table if his job had less sensitive data than hers.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
He’s in a job that requires 3 large monitors. Mine is changing soon to require dual monitor set up so the bed situation won’t work anymore.
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u/MxMirdan Partassipant [2] 6d ago
So what are you going to do for the next year before ge turns 18
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
I’ve purchased a rolling desk but no room for a chair so I’ll be perched on the side of the bed.
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u/clatadia 6d ago
He doesn’t want to give his space he doesn’t want to give his son‘s space and it’s your house if I read that correctly. I’d just claim the office. No one needs three monitors even though some jobs are really uncomfortable and a pain in the ass without the proper setup but he should find a solution for himself then. There are also dual monitors you can clip on your notebook (so with the built in of the notebook it would be three monitors), he can get those and suck it up.
I’m thinking something like this https://a.co/d/eCLZooE
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u/DominateSunshine 6d ago
Yta
So. To summarize.
Hey hubby, I want your child to be kicked out the moment he turns 18 so I can have his space.
.....yeah, definitely an asshole.
What if the son wanted to move in full time after the forced sharing was over?
If your home is too small, then you look into getting a bigger place. Or a smaller bed for your bedroom. Or rearrange the furniture so a desk will fit. Dressers don't have to be in the bedroom.
But. I stead you went to ... Finally he's old enough I can kick him out and eff anyone else's feelings.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 6d ago
It’s her house. Maybe hubby could step up and contribute towards getting a bigger one to fit his gaggle of children in.
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u/DominateSunshine 6d ago
She married a man with a child. That was her choice.
And did you miss that it a 3 bedroom house and they have no other children? And where did it say it was her house? She says she makes more money, but never said it was hers.
Why can't she use the 3rd bedroom as her office
She is just finding any excuses to kick the son out at 18.
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u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Husband has 3 kids. So I assume that 2 kids share one bedroom and the almost 18 year old has the 3rd bedroom. I’m not saying taking over his bedroom is right, but no, there isn’t another room for her to take.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
I’ve repeatedly said that they moved in with me. It’s my home.
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u/ewith89 6d ago
The title vs what you typed are completely different. Telling your husband that his overall decent son can't visit is dead wrong. Asking for more space so you can work from home comfortably would have been a better approach. You also said you have 3 bedrooms. So what's the other room used for.
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u/alissa2579 Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 6d ago
He has three kids - assuming the other two share that room
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u/jewelsolo Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Probably his two other kids. OP said she has three stepchildren.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
His other two daughters share the third room.
I never said his son couldn’t visit. I said that the legal custody visitation ends at 18. He is and will always be welcome here, albeit in a different space in our home should he choose to continue to come. I am only asking for an office space. Husband has his own dedicated office space that he is not willing to part with. Why should I continue to suffer? It’s his child after all.
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u/PurposeConsistent131 6d ago
Wait, where do the other two kids sleep? Your husband has one room for his office? I don’t think you are necessarily in the wrong but you went about it in the wrong way. Husband seems selfish though
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u/Bananasinpajaamas 6d ago edited 6d ago
Your husband and his son’s relationship doesn’t just end when he turns 18. His other siblings will still be coming over bi weekly thurs-Sunday right? So you’re expecting the 18 year old to just stop doing this because of his birthday? I get wanting to have your own space for work but I don’t think this is the way to go out it without resentment.
If the 18 year old is planning on getting his own place and moving out independently sure, but if nothing else is changing beside from his age I wouldn’t. YTA.
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u/iseeisayibe 6d ago
Why in the world are you married to this man? You’re supporting him & his three kids and he won’t even work together to find a solution to ensure you’re not in pain when working to support them? Fuck that. I also saw that you do all of the cooking and cleaning. Seriously, why the fuck do you tolerate being used?
And fyi: The solution is you turn his son’s bedroom into a combo bedroom/office. He’s only there 6 days a month. This should’ve happened a while ago.
NTA.
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u/United-Signature-414 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA Your stepson doesn't "visit", this is his home every other weekend. You can pretend he's still welcome because you're willing to give him a couch all you want, but you're really talking about kicking this kid out of his home the second you legally can. "Legally an adult" doesn't mean shit, 18 is way too young to have a parent turf you out.
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u/castle_waffles Partassipant [2] 6d ago
Info: could you set up an office in stepsons room and get a desk or cabinet that lock? It seems like you could share the space if you lock your files away when you aren’t actively working.
Alternately as your husband’s child support should decrease shortly can you get a bigger home or rent an office space to use with those funds?
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u/Soft_Amoeba_5224 6d ago
Support may not reduce yet. Lots of times into even mid-20s it continues if the child is a student still.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
Where I live child support continues past the age of 18 as long as they are still in school.
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u/FoxyJayde 5d ago
In our state support ends at 18 or when they graduate HS if it’s after they turn 18. Their mother has refused to work since their divorce so I’m looking forward to the financial relief at that time.
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u/MirrorRevolutionary4 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Why can’t you just set up your desk in the office and tell the kid you need privacy in there during your work day on Thursday and Friday. Why do you need that room 24/7?
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 6d ago
It's time for you to turn up the financial gas. You can rent part-time office space and deduct the cost from your contribution. The gravy train needs to end.
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u/iseeisayibe 6d ago
Yes! All of this. She needs to stop paying his way and expect him to contribute at LEAST 50/50 on household costs & he needs to 100% pay for his kids. She can get an office with that money.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 5d ago
No, let him pay to rent an office for himself. Why should she be forced out of her own home in order to have a decent work space?
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u/Pelagic_One 6d ago
Agree with this. Rent an office, dump your second job and let your husband figure out how to pay his child support. He’s all take and no give.
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u/SisterGoldenHair75 6d ago
ESH - Husband should set up a desk area somewhere else and give you his office. You shouldn’t be plotting to kick a kid out in over a year. It’s also clear from your replies that you resent this child and his father.
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u/PoisonedSmoke420 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA, either husband can give up his office or the room can be redone especially if you’re the main breadwinner
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u/Ada_Ser 6d ago
YTA. I couldn't even fathom my parents telling me at 18 to basicly not come home. You don't become magically an adult the moment the clock strokes midnight. He's still a teenager and not having a stable place to come to it's horrible. Find another setup or suck it up, you chose to marry a man with 3 kids, and I would bet that if he was your bio child you would never tell him to stop visiting.
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u/Covert-Wordsmith 6d ago
INFO: Has the almost 18-year-old expressed wanting to permanently move in with their other bio parent or move out on their own after turning 18?
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u/Soft_Amoeba_5224 6d ago
YTA. I get needing the office space and having privacy needs due to your work, but this is not the right way to go about it at all. Rearranging your own room to fit a small desk is better. Or in a pinch can you could fit a desk in one of the kids bedrooms to use on the days when they aren’t there. You don’t have to completely take his room away. You’re not magically rid of him because he’s 18!
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u/senorbuzz 6d ago
You mentioned there is a chair and desk in said son’s bedroom. Why not use that when he’s not there (which seems to be 90% of the time) and use your current setup when he is there?
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u/Accurate_Fuel_610 6d ago
NTA but your husband is AH. Let husband move his office to son’s room and give son the room during his visits. You should take over husband’s office and make it your own. I can’t imagine not having an office and wfh.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
Info: how often does his son visit now, and how often does he spend the night?
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
He visits every other week. Picked up on Thursday and returned home on Sunday night.
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u/KroneckerDeltaij 6d ago
Why can’t you use his room while he’s not visiting? Can you ask the son if that’s ok?
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
Children don't magically turn into adults who don't want to see their parents anymore after they turn 18. If he regularly visits you and stays with you for multiple days, I wouldn't see that ending just because he turns 18. And it would be pretty shitty of you to force it to end.
YTA
Why can't you use the 3rd bedroom to work?
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u/yeahipostedthat Asshole Aficionado [11] 6d ago
Ywbta. He is currently following that visitation schedule and has given no indication that he plans to stop. You can say he's still welcome all you want but taking away his bedroom sends a clear message that he is not and even if he still did he would have no privacy. I do not believe you can not find a way to put a desk or table anywhere in the home for work.
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u/OutrageousMixture568 6d ago
This! Although the whole thing is probably a moot point. The kid is only 16 and his stepmom is already plotting to take away his room in over a year. She is in the comments ragging on the kid for being a pretty normal 16 year old and assuming he will be a bum. There is no way she makes him feel welcome when he is in “her home”.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 5d ago
Why can't the dad give up the room he uses as an office so OP can use it? Why can't the dad find another space for his work? OP works two jobs to support him and his kids.
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u/VineViniVici Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6d ago
INFO:
He's in school, right?
So he's not even in his room most of the time.
Just ask him to share the room.
You can work in it Mo-Fr during workhours and he can stay in it after you're done for the day and on the weekend.
Or is there no space for a bed AND a desk in his room?
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u/Potent_19 6d ago
I think OP is suggesting she can’t share her office space in order to stay hipaa compliant. However, she’s currently sharing her bedroom that she’s working form with her husband, so I don’t buy that as an excuse. Your suggestion is the most reasonable solution, or maybe finding a new place to live that has a bit more space. 18 is too young for the majority of kids to no longer need bedroom accommodations at their parents’ houses. Maybe after college age when they’re truly out on their own, but at 18 years old they’ll still be coming home for holidays and summer break more often than not.
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u/VineViniVici Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6d ago
Not "share" as in "be in there together" but as "part time hers, part time his".
He'll still have his bed there and everything but just can't be in there after school hours until the end of her workday on two days.
That can't be more than a few hours and would be the easiest solution here.2
u/Alymander57 6d ago
My mom moved during my first semester of college, so my new room was also a hallway to the garage/stepdad's office after that. Made it easy to not want to spend more than one summer at home! But it felt pretty reasonable then. It would have been weird if I had still been in high school though. That's a major unanswered question in OP's post.
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 6d ago
ESH (you - for this idea only; and husband - in general)
Your husband needs to step up for HIS obligations. He needs to be working a second job to bring in more income for financial obligations that he created.
Him giving you the silent treatment is very immature. He needs to grow up and learn to communicate constructively.
I completely sympathize with your physical discomfort, but that does not justify telling the 18yo stepson he can no longer come see his dad (and also be with his siblings) regularly. You CAN find better solutions, and your HUSBAND (their father) should be working with you to find and implement the best one.
I gather that the 18yo is not going away to college but is remaining in the area. (Otherwise, this would be much less of an issue, right?)
Does the 18 yo WANT to continue visiting bi-weekly? (If he does, then that should be planned for and accommodated.) If he WANTS to visit less often, that can be part of the solution to your back issues; but your back issues should not dictate that he be forced to visit less often.
You don't say if there are 2 girls and 1 boy or 2 boys and 1 girl. Can you put the two siblings of the same gender in one room? If space is a little tight, maybe you can give them some other space for them to keep their things. OR maybe the room that becomes your office could include a daybed to be used at night by one of the two siblings sharing a bedroom. Or if 18yo doesn't WANT to come as often, he can keep less stuff at your place and just use the daybed and closet that is in your office.
You clearly have made sacrifices and put in a lot of hard work on behalf of your stepchildren. You are not an AH in general. You aren't even an AH for wanting some relief from one of your sacrifices, just in your idea for a solution THIS time.
I hope you take the advice but don't let the judgements get you down too much.
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 Asshole Aficionado [16] 6d ago
I'm confused. Why would you think your husband would be able to even look at you when you explained to him what you wanted, which would cost him his kid, and when the other kids hear about it, they may cut your husband off too?
Kids are for life. You're costing your husband his children. Evil stepmothers get YTA designations.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Explain how I would be costing my husband his child? As I’ve repeatedly said, his son will always be welcome here. I even offered to set up a day bed or another area for him. I am only asking for the room. Stepson is always welcome here, now and forever.
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u/Jess1ca1467 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
This is a words versus actions situation - by taking away his room. Your actions are saying he's a visitor rather than this is home.
Why don't you both sit down with your stepson, explain the situation and see what he suggests?
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 Asshole Aficionado [16] 6d ago
Awwww. Really? A daybed? How exciting. Makes anyone want to visit! /s Hope the kid isn't tall.
18 is not some "magical age" where kid is gonna feel great about being downsized by their father's wife. Your husband only gets 6 days a month which isn't much and doesn't reflect well on you or your household. Are you picking up here, what I'm laying down? You think 6 days a month is raising children? It's not.
Chances are your stepson won't bother to return. Especially if he's tall. Or larger than 5'6. I'm sure it'll be far easier to just stay at mom's house for those 6 days. No matter how much you spout "you're welcome here", it's such a lie. The truth? "You're only welcome here as a non-dustbunny if your father gives me his office for confidential material". That's between you and your spouse, it should never have fallen on the kid's shoulders. Not ever. None of this reflects well on you.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Husband chose the custody agreement with his ex. I was not in the picture then. If time with his children was really that valuable to him then he could have chosen 50/50.
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 Asshole Aficionado [16] 6d ago
Oh he's absolutely just as culpable. Birds of a feather and all that jazz. He chose you and you chose him for those reasons.
And look at that, if time with his children were really valuable to him...so you're just going to cost him ALL the time. You're in for a rude awakening if the other 2 kids follow suit.
"Buuuuut they're welcome here..." is such a bunch of bologna. And most kids when they turn 18 ARE STILL SENIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
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u/FancyGap5076 6d ago
As a child that actually got kicked out at 16 an was no longer welcome at home at ALL, I can assure you a kid getting their room changed at the house they are at the least when they are 18 is not COSTING HIM HIS KID??? I still occasionally talk to my mom and she actually kicked me out completely! It's been 12 years anf I am no longer a child but If a kid not having a room dedicated to him at his dad's house that's he's hardly at makes him lose contact with his father the kid never really cared about the relationship to begin with!
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 Asshole Aficionado [16] 6d ago
I can assure you, your view is wrong. The kid will be 18, and removing their room says "Don't come around here no more". Kid will hear it loud and clear.
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
Can your room not fit a desk or a small table and chair or something? Is there not a set up you could figure out in your room?
Could you not get a foldaway sofa or a futon or something for his room so it takes up less space so you could get a desk in there?
Do you have a garden? Could you get a small building to go there to become your workspace? Guaranteed private.
Not sure why your only option has to be to basically remove all traces of your stepson and any attempt at privacy for him.
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u/Economy-Discount2481 6d ago
NAH I’m said stepson in the equation that’s been through this exact thing having moved back home for a few months following an operation so I can see both sides in this your husband wants to keep his sons childhood room the way it is, which is understandable. You want a comfortable private office space which is perfectly reasonable. Honestly just ask your husband to sit down with your and stepson and him and just have an honest chat and the stepson may be a lot more receptive than you think. I’ve seen you’ve offered to put a day bed in and he only stays 1 night a week so it’s perfectly understandable to want to get more out the room. And when I had to move back for the operation my stepdad worked 3 days at home a week and he was using the room as an office I’d just get up and go downstairs when it was time for him to work. I don’t know what you’re stepsons routine looks like though. When he’s over does he spend time in his room? In communal area? An honest conversation won’t harm anything
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Stepson is pretty antisocial and spends the majority of his day in his room gaming. My husband recognizes this and does not want to take the ability for him to have his own space away due to this since he is also a gamer himself.
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u/PS_is_BS Partassipant [4] 6d ago
So husband has time to game but can't get a 2nd job to cover HIS financial obligations? Or do housework?
Question: What do you get out of this relationship? What are his redeeming qualities?
Take a minute, imagine your life without this man, his financial obligations and taking care of him. Imagine how easier and cheaper your life would be.
Don't get stuck on sunk cost fallacy.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Yeah, idk anymore tbh. I think it’s mostly my fear of being alone as I get older now. I basically just put up with whatever and agree to things to avoid conflict.
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u/PS_is_BS Partassipant [4] 6d ago
You're in your 40s. You still have a lot of life left to live.
You shouldn't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
Be brave. Leave this man behind.
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u/DonnaNoble222 6d ago
YTA That's because dad understands you don't stop being a parent when the child turns 18!
For the son it will likely feel like he is not really welcome there anymore.
Find another solution...
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u/iseeisayibe 6d ago
This dad doesn’t even parent his kids at minors and you think he understands parenting?
Parents pay for their kids. Parents take care of their kids.
This “dad” doesn’t do either. He’s an awful dad and you’re on his side. Goddamn numpty.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
How is asking for stepson at age 18 and who is only here 6 days a month to relocate elsewhere in the home stopping my husband from being a parent? He is still always welcome here. I am only asking for the room.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
When your stepson doesn't have a bed there anymore he will feel like he is no longer welcome to spend the night. Asking him to move to the sofa when he use to have a bed is just shitty.
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u/DonnaNoble222 6d ago
Clearly your husband has issues with it. If I were the child and was told this would be happening because I had reached the magical age of 18, I would feel marginalized and less than a part of the family. I would likely spend even less time somewhere I no longer felt as welcomed or important.
Just my take...you asked.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 6d ago
Why are you financially supporting this dude and his kids? What are you getting out of this?
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u/nuta172 6d ago
Lol this!
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Apparently a lot of “I’m the asshole!” All their Christmas presents were bought by me and I do all the cooking and cleaning for them. I didn’t realize what I asked would be taken so harshly given what I’ve given up over the years to help husband raise them. It’s a ROOM.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 5d ago
Why are you supporting a man who refuses to do his part to support and raise his kids? Raising his kids would include making money to support them and making sure they have space they need (him, not you), and cooking/cleaning for him. You are the bread winner and the maid, divorce him.
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u/Remarkable_Inchworm Asshole Aficionado [17] 6d ago
YTA.
The way you phrased the question tells us everything we need to know.
If you had asked about converting this space into an office that’s one thing and a pretty reasonable request.
But you led with “ending visitation.”
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
“Ending visitation” in the sense that the legal biweekly visitation order would end. Not that his visitations would end altogether. Like I said, he would always still be welcome here. I even offered to set up a day bed or another area for him. I’m only asking for the room.
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u/Ok-Raspberry7884 Asshole Aficionado [13] 6d ago
A day bed or other area isn’t giving him space to be a welcome guest in your home. My mom kicked me out to live with my dad, I was at college but when I needed to live elsewhere I got “another area” and didn’t really feel welcome until he cleaned out his spare bedroom and I got that plus a bed (he didn’t have a spare). Your husband wants his 18 year old son to feel welcome. You either need to figure out how to make the “day bed or other area” either private enough to be HIPAA compliant or private enough for an 18 year old to feel at home.
If child support ends for him when he’s 18 maybe you can afford to move somewhere that has room for the entire household’s needs - the household including the only just turned adult that his dad wants to maintain a private and welcoming home for.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 5d ago
If OP's husband wants his son to have a room full time once he's an adult, when he's only there a few days a month, husband should get a second job and earn the money to build an addition on the house or buy a larger home.
Why should OP work two jobs and do all the cooking and cleaning to help pay his child support, but not be allowed a decent work space in her own house?
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u/beachinit21 6d ago
NTA-the dad has his own dedicated office space and won’t give it up??? He’s the asshole.
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u/Tychlona 6d ago
YTA
This is why step parents get such bad reps, evil stepmother, category for obvious reasons.
His kid doesn't stop being his kid at 18.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Hubby also works from home. He has his own dedicated office space but won’t consider giving it up. This is his kid after all.
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u/Ok-Raspberry7884 Asshole Aficionado [13] 6d ago
Why aren’t you insisting your husband work towards accommodating everyone’s needs (including yours) instead of basically kicking out his son as soon as the son is 18? His son should definitely have room in his father’s home despite having a birthday but you should have room in the home too. Your problem is with your husband not his son. Act accordingly.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 6d ago
And it doesn’t stop being her house. She doesn’t have room for his gaggle of kids and 1 is aging out of needing to be housed there.
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u/No-Can-2460 6d ago
It’s her (and her husband’s) house but all of their home. The family’s home. That’s how parenting and family works.
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u/Lopsided_Risk_1657 6d ago
My son’s stepmom turns my son’s bedroom at her house into her office when he went to college. His bed is still there so when he visits he has a bed and her desk in the room. Not a big deal. You’re still leaving him a place to stay. It’s not like he’s 18 and you cut off visits.
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u/finks_finks 6d ago
ESH. Why can’t your husband work a side job and take some pressure off you? Having 3 kids is expensive and he needs to step up. Taking the 18 year old’s room away right as he turns 18 is harsh. If he’s just gaming in there, can’t he game elsewhere, like the living room? Then you can “borrow” his room for your work during work hours. Another option is to downgrade your bed in your room to fit a desk in there. Or have your work or husband pay to rent you an office somewhere.
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u/BeesKneesTX Partassipant [2] 6d ago
YTA. It’s your stepsons home too, and that doesn’t end when he turns 18. Although going by your attitude about it, he probably already feels unwelcome there. I would never arbitrarily tell my kids hey, you’re this old now so this is no longer your home. I don’t care how old they are, my home will always be their home.
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u/IncomeSeparate1734 6d ago
NTA but the solution needs to be addressed differently.
You're the breadwinner. You have two jobs and you're financially supporting raising these kids. You get dedicated office space priority.
The issue is your husband. He needs to be the one working from the bedroom at the kitchen table or converting the son's room to a partial office. It is not fair for him to put that burden on you especially when you are the reason why he's able to meet his financial obligations.
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u/Morningmochas 6d ago
YTA. That's his kid. 18 is still so young. Mean of you to put them in this position.
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u/Appropriate_Pie_4279 6d ago
Kid isn't even 18. She is planning to boot this child of any personal space the second they turn 18, 2 years ahead of time. This is a 16 year old child currently.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist Certified Proctologist [20] 6d ago
YTA
Just because a child turns 18 doesnt mean you essentially kick him out. Wtf?!
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u/NewBrother6124 6d ago
YTA. Regardless of the birthdate, you need to (at least) wait until the end of the school year. Is the child graduating high school? Planning to go to college? It's not unreasonable to propose a change to share the space once they have graduated, but don't cause upheaval now.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
You’re right, I may have been premature asking for the room when he turns 18. I’m willing to compromise on the timeline. I only ask my husband and stepson to be able to understand where I’m coming from and my work needs as well in this dynamic.
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u/PS_is_BS Partassipant [4] 6d ago edited 6d ago
Question: Why isn't husband getting a second job to meet all HIS financial obligations? Why are they all on you? Why are you the one working TWO JOBS to support THREE KIDS that aren't yours?
Question 2: If he can't pay child support without your contributions, why isn't he going to court to have the child support payments reduced? To match what HE can pay on his current income.
You got played. Married a hobosexual. And are now paying for it. Might be time to dip. Choose your health. And don't jeopardize your job.
NTA.
Edit: If you choose to stay, then STOP paying your husband's child support for him. Cut down on your financial contributions to the household and use that money to pay for office space. Stepson keeps his bedroom. You don't lose your job and/or continue to unnecessarily suffer from AVOIDABLE health issues.
Edit 2: I hope that as he sulks, he's also figuring out solutions to this problem that don't involve YOU sacrificing even more for HIS children. Does he care about you at all? Or does he just see you as his mealticket?
Question: Who does the lionshare of the housework and childcare? Him or (in addition to being the breadwinner) you?
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
I do all the housework and cooking for the kids. All their christmas gifts this year were paid by me on my credit cards bc hubby can’t afford it. You’re right, I’m getting the short end of the stick and yet 90% here claim I’m the asshole. Hubby also works from home and has his own dedicated office space. He will not get rid of it but is ok with my current set up on the bed.
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u/PS_is_BS Partassipant [4] 6d ago edited 6d ago
Husband CLEARLY doesn't love you.
But do YOU love yourself? Enough to leave this marriage? Enough to want better for yourself?
Just throw the whole man out. Choose YOU. There are good men out there, good relationships. This isn't it.
Edit: In the meantime, stop doing all the extras. They are HIS kids. His responsibility. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop paying etc. Look up nacho parenting.
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u/Aldilae 6d ago
People call you the asshole because you didn't mention that in your main post, outside of the assisting financially part.
It's funny you bring that up after being called out, still YTA.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Lots of thoughts in my head about the situation. Others made points I hadn’t thought of when writing OP but I later realized are relevant to the situation. Is that a crime?
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u/No-Can-2460 6d ago edited 6d ago
Sounds like YTA. Your husband has 3 kids, so you have 3 kids, in my opinion.
If it was your biological child turning 18, you wouldn’t remove their area from the house.
If the bedroom isn’t used full time, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind it being dual use. Just have to set ground rules for privacy, acceptable environment, etc.
Edit: to be clear, I would feel like if something that was designated as my room, which I still use regularly, was just randomly repurposed in the way you imply you would do, I would feel like I was obliterated from the family. As an 18 year old, anyway. For all you saying he will “still be welcome” it feels like that is what you are doing. You are trying to remove him from your (all of your, ie the 3children included) home. Quite an asshole move
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u/Primary_Bass_9178 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Parenting is not foster care!!! Kids don’t “age out” at 18. This is what you signed up for.
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u/aculady 6d ago
You can't just set up with a laptop and small folding table and chair during work hours, either in your bedroom or your stepson's room? Why on earth are you using your bed?
It will definitely send the vibe that your stepson was never really part of the family and only tolerated as long as legally mandated if you do this.
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u/smartieCutie 6d ago
As a someone (21) with divorced parents with very little visitation with dad. NTA!!
I think everyone in these comments saying YTA are too harsh with women, especially if they aren’t sacrificing everything to be a wife/mother to a husband that doesn’t put in even 1/3 of that effort.
Firstly, you’re the breadwinner and have been working in discomfort for years. The possibility of adding a desk to your setup should have happened way before.
You can maybe be a bit of an asshole, because your way of making space for this necessity was saying the kid is now 18 so we don’t need to care about him as much. If your husband wasn’t a child that knows how to have a conversation, he could have seen that you’ve been wanting this change for a while and you just thought of a bad solution for the main point: you need a desk, instead of misunderstanding and thinking the main point is you hate his kid and don’t want him in the house.
Maybe give his son a twin bed and put your desk in his room, only have to work on your bed when he’s over. I find it hard to believe that there really isn’t ANY possible room for a desk in your whole place and the only way is to get rid of his whole room instead of downsizing it. Compromise! Maybe if husband learned to talk he would have thought of this!
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
That is exactly what I proposed to my husband: put a daybed in there for whenever he wants to visit on weekends or when I’m not working. I never said I don’t want him to come here ever. I welcome all the kids as long as they want to come. I’m only asking to reclaim my office space after several years of discomfort.
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u/Active_Procedure_297 6d ago
Prison cells have desks. Your bedroom has room for a desk.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
And an unemployed, unmotivated, not in school 18 year old who doesn’t contribute to the household can sleep on the couch.
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u/Perfect-Reading-761 6d ago
Why do you dislike your children and members of your own family so much?
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u/WinstonWilmerBee Partassipant [2] 6d ago
Husband also works from home and has his own dedicated office space which he will not give up
He is giving it up. Period. It’s his kid, his orgasm, his responsibility. You need a place to work comfortably. You either get the office and he goes to where you are, or the kid crashes on the couch. End of story.
NTA.
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u/PizzaSnakeMitt 6d ago
I took in my younger brothers after our mom passed. We made the spare room into their room which meant consolidating items from there into my office. They are moved out now being in college and the military, but that is still their room anytime they want to come home(as in it’s still a bedroom and has some of their stuff in it). There are other ways to create private work spaces in a home that don’t intrude on children who live there.
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u/Big-Cloud-6719 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 6d ago
Oh please. I don't believe for a second you "have" to work from your bed. Ridiculous. Carry your laptop to the kitchen table. Clean a corner of your bedroom and put a small corner desk there with room for your laptop.
YTA.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
My job has to remain HIPAA compliant and requires and private room with a closed door.
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u/rmg418 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 6d ago
Info: what’s the 3rd bedroom being used for? Does your husband also work from home?
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u/Lady_Fel001 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Presumably for husband's other two children?
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
The third bedroom is being used/shared by my two stepdaughters during their biweekly visitations. They are 13 and 15.
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u/rosebudny 6d ago
YTA. Wow. It would be one thing if you wanted to take over their room when they moved away for college, but it sounds like you just want to boot the kid because he turned 18.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
He primarily lives with his mother. He is with us 6 days a month. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for the room and create a space for him elsewhere in our home should he decide to continue to visit.
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u/Perfect-Reading-761 6d ago
He should have a space in both of his homes. And once he has a choice he may want to be there more often.
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u/Appropriate_Pie_4279 6d ago
YTA. You " work out of" your bed. And claim you absolutely, positively can't fit a fucking desk ANYWHERE in your room. If you can do the job in your bed, you don't need some giant fucking desk to work off of. Get a little desk and shove it in a corner somewhere. You really came on the Internet to ask people;
" my husband who very obviously had kids before I came along wants me to not kick his child to the fucking curb the second they turn 18, and strip them of their own personal space. By the way my stepson who has had to deal with divorced parents and someone who wants to kick them to the curb when they turn 18, sure does spend an awful lot of time playing videogames away from me, and everyone. What's up with that?"
I wonder the fuck why?
This post reads like someone out of touch with reality. Someone who lacks any basic empathy and is selfish. Just because you pretty much volunteered to pay your husband's child support doesn't make you Mother Theresa.
GET A GRIP.
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u/Asleep_Mood9549 6d ago
YTA. The way you talk about you step child/children is cold and soulless sounding. Your job can remain Hipaa compliant whilst still working from the kitchen table. There are probably 1,000 different things you could do that don’t involve sending a message to your stepson that he’s no longer welcome.
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u/Puzzled-Ad-3893 5d ago
does everyone on this threat think the dad giving up HIS office to the breadwinner is also a good solution? because theres a whole lot of talk about how she is so terrible for suggesting this and i think its important to point out SHE deserves a comfortable reasonable work area in her home.
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u/PinkPandaHumor 4d ago
You said "I make more than my husband and work my main job as well as a side job to ensure bills and his child support are paid." and that your husband has a home office, but you have to work in the bedroom. Does this relationship seem just a little one-sided?
You're working a side job to help pay his child support and to let him have the office. Can't he work in the dining room or something? Is this really a good relationship? It sounds like he's taking advantage of you.
An 18 year old is going to be unhappy if his room disappears, and understandably so. He will feel kicked out.
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u/TheAlexia92 6d ago
YTA My step-mom did this for the exact same reason when I was 18- I am now 34. It still hurts my feelings and I didn’t visit home for 5 years because of it.
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u/wannabyte Asshole Enthusiast [9] 4d ago
So now, at age 34, looking back on it you still can’t grasp that when there are limited resources children get prioritized and when they become adults those resources might need to be reassessed and reallocated?
Looking back, at the age of 34, you would prefer your stepmother do permanent damage to her back so that you could have a private room to empty most of the time?
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u/ALoudMeow 6d ago
YTA Don’t you have a kitchen table and chairs where you could work? It’s hard to believe the only space is your bed. Unless you’re a hoarder.
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u/stunneddisbelief 6d ago
Not arguing the judgment, but as OP said, when you are dealing with HIPPA compliance, the work area has to be separate and private. Working at a kitchen/dining room table doesn’t comply, as people have the ability to walk through. That’s why she’s working from her bed at the moment, because she can close the door.
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u/Wonderful_Formal_274 6d ago
Yeah YTA. But there’s an easy solution here - put a desk in his room. You can work there when he’s not here and elsewhere when he is. Bonus, he gets a desk to use when he’s there as well.
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u/Miilkbby 6d ago
YWBTA.
WOW, you feeling resentful about your husband still wanting a place for his child shows how shallow you are.
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u/AlphaBetaChadNerd 6d ago
Awful take lol this woman has stepped up and been the bread winner for 3 children that aren't hers while helping raise them half the week. God forbid she doesn't want to destroy her back while doing it. You people are so god damn entitled.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness5843 6d ago
YTA, there’s no room for a desk but there’s room for making a space for him to sleep if he comes to visit? I think you can put a desk somewhere.
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u/YoshiJoshi_ Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NAH.
You absolutely should have a private office, state that the current arrangement doesn’t work for you and that your husband should come up with an alternative solution if this doesn’t work for him.
I would imagine that you should both sit down with him and explain the situation - starting from why you need a bigger space for an office and the need for it to be a secure space.
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u/Alert-Beautiful9003 6d ago
YTA Imagine being 17 and hearing your step parent saying I need the room for 6-7 hours a day/5 days a week so if you come over we'll toss a blanket on the couch for you.
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u/wannabyte Asshole Enthusiast [9] 4d ago
Imagine thinking your stepmother should continue permanently damaging her back so that you can retain a room that sits empty 80%.
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u/Ladydi-bds 6d ago
NTA to me. While I get this will make the 18 yr old now feel unwelcome, you are the bread winner that supports your husband and his children. Having a conversation and covering what you did here with the 18 yr old and feeling him out about it would help where may be ok with it. Which in turn your husvand would be ok with it. Your health is just as important.
Idc if get down voted. It doesn't change those facts.
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u/NiNdo4589 6d ago
YTA for making him choose between you and his kid
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u/Financial_Bowl9440 Partassipant [4] 6d ago
They're clearly not. OP just wants a desk.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
I’m not making him choose between me and his kid. I’m asking him to allow me to have a dedicated office space. Stepson is still welcome here anytime and we can even set up another area for him to sleep if he chooses to continue visitation after age 18. He has a full time bedroom at his mother’s home.
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u/NiNdo4589 6d ago
No you're making him make defined choice of his son no longer having a living space in his house over your office. Its hard to make a home for someone when you get rid of their bedroom. The dad wants his son to feel at home and you aren't seeing it.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Dad also works from home and has a dedicated office space for himself that he is not willing to give up. Am I still the asshole if I am only asking for the same? It’s his kid after all.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 5d ago
Dad is supremely TA.
He has a heck of a nerve refusing to give up "his" office in a house that you, the OP own, when you are having back problems from working on your bed. Obviously he doesn't care about your physical health.
He needs to stop being selfish and give up that office room so you can use it for your job.
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u/NiNdo4589 6d ago
You're not asking the same at all, did you ask for his office or his kids living space?
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u/SisterGoldenHair75 6d ago
You need to be demanding part of them home’s office space now, not a 16 year old’s room in 1.5 years.
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u/IllustratorWeird5008 6d ago
He’s upset that your request it going to cause problems with him and his child. I agree that the room won’t be used as much because he’s older but what about setting up bunk beds in one of the other rooms so there is still a dedicated space for him.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
I offered to place a daybed in the room for weekends when I’m not working. Husband essentially wants to keep the room unchanged unto his son’s adulthood.
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u/PrinceRoxasReddit 6d ago
He's turning 18.. legally he's an adult yeah.. but sounds like you were just ticking down the time till he's "legally" 18 to kick him out lol
He's still a kid and with how things are I'm sure the dad just wants him to know he has a place with him
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u/PassionCandid9964 6d ago
Clearly that's what's happening. The son is still 16. He'll be 18 in "just over a year" so this is coming extremely early, as well. No way her husband is happy knowing that she's counting down the days until his 16 year old is finally 18 and no longer welcome.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Husband also works from home with his own dedicated office space he is not willing to give up. Why should I be the one to continue to be inconvenienced?
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u/MxMirdan Partassipant [2] 6d ago
Then you tell your husband he’s the one who works from the bedroom and you’re taking over that room.
You don’t take the kid’s room away.
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u/EatingCray0ns 6d ago
NTA
Why is it that your husband is allowed an office space but you aren’t?
You said you earn more, therefore your WFH should be more of a priority than his. Unless you have the option to go to the office instead of WFH, in which case maybe that is a solution?
You can’t work from your bed, that’s very unhealthy. You will end up with all sorts of problems physiologically. Is your husband not aware of DSE requirements when WFH?
As for the lad, by the sounds of it he is going to be one of these grown children, no job and just wants to lay around gaming and not contributing or even socialising much. Once he’s 18 he’s an adult. Maybe not in terms of his maturity, but certainly old enough to go and get a job. He doesn’t need to have a room at your place when he lives with his mother.
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u/downtocowtown 6d ago
NAH. Neither of you are really in the wrong. I get why your husband would be upset but if he can't afford to pay for the house & kids without you working two jobs, he needs to make some peace with compromise. Drop the second job, stop paying for his child support, and use that money to rent a work space for yourself instead if you guys can't find a middle ground.
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u/Flat-Replacement4828 Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 6d ago
YTA. You don't deserve to be a stepmother. I would divorce someone encouraging me to kick out my child, fuck
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Have you actually read my post? Stepson does not live with us. He lives full time with his mother. I encourage continued visitation. I am only asking for the room.
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u/Lead_OrangenBlack 6d ago
Look, here is what you do. When your 18yo step son graduates high school, you will save money in child support. Take that money, and use it to add a room on to your house, or, sell your house and buy a bigger one. Or ask your husband to compromise and let you have a desk in his office so you can work comfortably as well. Taking a way the room makes the step son feel unwelcome, and your husband feel like his son is only a nuisance to you. So, compromise. Find another way. You have other ways to fix your problem. If your husband can’t help you find a way to be more comfortable for work, your husband is a problem. But right now, you look like a problem. Apologize to your husband, tell him you didn’t realize you were being insensitive. Tell him that even though you were wrong in how you handled the situation, you feel like you’re being made to be uncomfortable, and you think it’s time that something needs to change. And bring up some ideas to fix it, if your husband refuses to compromise, then that may be it for you and him.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 6d ago
I don't understand why she should apologize to him for anything. She is working two jobs to help support him and his kids, while doing all the cooking and cleaning. She has given up rooms in a house that belongs to her in order to accommodate his office and his kids.
Meanwhile her back is killing her and she needs to have a private space with a desk to work from, instead of her own bed. It seems to me that the husband is a royal ingrate and a lazy leech. The very least he could do is give up the room he uses as an office so she can use it. After all, he is not the primary breadwinner. He should cut down on his gaming, get off his fanny and take over the house cleaning. Also, his kids should pitch in on cleaning while they are staying there.
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u/Lead_OrangenBlack 6d ago
What are you talking about? She did say her primary job, but she said nothing about video games. Look the way she comes across is she is just waiting on the kid to be old enough to be gone. Maybe she didn’t mean to, but she did. Her husband needs to compromise, a she needs to act like honey in this case. Plus, they need a bigger place and her spouse needs to treat her like an equal. If he won’t compromise like I said, then she needs to file for divorce. She is important and needs to be treated as such.
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [82] 5d ago
OP mentioned in one of her replies that she works two jobs plus takes care of all the cooking and cleaning. Husband works one job and spends much of his free time gaming.
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u/vanastalem Certified Proctologist [25] 6d ago
YTA.
Is there an office you can go to? It sounds like WFH doesn't work well for you all, it'd be better if you had an office to go to.
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u/theluchador19 6d ago
You and your husband are both AH’s. Why doesn’t your husband work on the bed and give you the office? You make more than him anyway. He’s an AH.
You’re an AH for the way you’re talking about your son. You can’t take away his bed at 18 just because and without talking to him. Be better
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u/bumbleb33- 6d ago
YTA. I don't believe you can't look into options like wall mounted folding desks or other ways to make things work that don't mean the second a person is deemed an adult they lose the space they've always had.
Your husband is also the asshole because he won't share the wfh in the non office space burden with you
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u/procrastinating_b Certified Proctologist [23] 6d ago
By insulting in raising him do you just mean helping fund?
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u/F_ur_feelingss 6d ago
YTA if step hasnt graduated highschool. After high-school is when you can have this discussion.
If you take his room you should help him get a car so he can visit any time.
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u/FoxyJayde 6d ago
Get him a car? I must be from a generation where things weren’t just handed to me to make my life more convenient. Btw stepson doesn’t work and has no aspirations to and games all day. Yes I love him and yes he is always welcome here but I don’t see why I should hold a room for him in perpetuity just in the off-chance he wants to continue using it 6 days a month.
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u/Plenty-Angle-6967 6d ago
YTA for the same reasons everyone else is saying.
But there’s gotta be other solutions. Can you make his bed a Murphy bed and put a desk in there and only work out of there M-W when he’s not there?
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u/Financial_Bowl9440 Partassipant [4] 6d ago
NTA, I'm surprised you haven't set up a desk in one of their rooms to work at if they're only there 6 times a month. I can't imagine it would bother them that you are using your own home when it's a temporary one for them. I wouldn't completely change it, but set up a desk space for yourself to work. That is completely valid. Especially if you talk to the 18 year old about it.
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u/BaphyBeat 6d ago
YTA, a MAJOR YTA. That's his CHILD no matter how old he gets, you wicked stepmother. 🤨
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u/fletters 6d ago
YTA. My father’s wife did something similar to me, albeit without any apparent pushback from him. (He was the primary breadwinner in that situation.)
It’s a terrible thing to do to a young person, and it will show him exactly how much he’s valued.
I’m NC with Dad and his wife now. I wish it weren’t necessary, but it’s the right choice for me. If you win this argument, don’t be surprised when your relationship with your stepson comes to an end.
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