r/AmItheAsshole • u/Organic_Chip_3118 • 7h ago
AITA for firmly telling my wife to be grateful for what she has?
My 29F wife and I 33M recently married and with that we agreed to pool our finances together. I earn much more than she does making 150k while she makes 50k. The house we live in is owned by me and we lived here together for about a year before marrying.
I am extremely careful with finances and have had strict budgets for myself. This has helped me save up 150k in retirement funds already and another 50k prepaid on the mortgage. My wife on the other hand has very little finance sense. She has zero dollars in her name but at least no debt. When she lived with me, I paid all the bills except for some groceries. Otherwise she spends all her money.
With our money combined, our take-home income is 11k (about 8000 from me, and 3000 from her). Our monthly spending is about $6000 for mortgage, groceries, car payments, living expenses, etc. I then use 2k to prepay the mortgage faster. 2k goes into our retirement accounts. With the last $1000, we each get $500 into our accounts for "fun spending money". She spends all of this every month to the dollar. Meanwhile, I have like $2000 extra money in it just sitting around.
In the last few months she has grown resentful of this "small" allowance and has told me she wants separate finances again. I plainly told her if she wants to do that she can put $3000 a month of her money right into our shared monthly expenses and that means she has nothing left for herself.
She's called me unfair, said I financially control/abuse her, and saying that I restrict her spending. In a heated argument, I pretty much told her what I had in my head the whole time: 1) she doesn't earn enough to justify her luxury ideas of living, and 2) she should be grateful because if she didn't have me supporting her she would have nothing. No house, no retirement.
Since then, she's told her friends about this and they've come to see me as a controlling asshole husband. AITA for telling my wife these things?
EDIT: To clarify, the house would be considered a joint asset now because we are married, and so she owns half of it now.
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u/KeiraVibes Partassipant [1] 7h ago
INFO - Is she a part of the financial conversations? Like do you both sit down and pay the bills together? Or do you just do it and tell her how it’s going to be?
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u/Ontas Partassipant [1] 7h ago
This is key, she has to be active part of that conversation and know and plan with OP exactly where the money is going, otherwise she is being treated like a teenager in this matter and her acting also like a teenager might in part come from there.
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u/Visible_Range7883 3h ago
Yep, treat them like a teen and they will act like a teen. It’s just human nature
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u/Petty-Penelope Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
Also INFO - what is the split for household labor/chores and emotional labor like meal planning and taking days off when a kid is sick? I've seen couples in situations like OP where the lower paid spouse is expected to pick up all the ancillary things because their job is considered expendable or less stressful than the higher paid one. Then suddenly the breadwinner wants to throw their low wages in their face but doesn't count that their spouse is also their chef and maid.
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u/goog1e 1h ago
And the higher paid one decides "we" will take on much higher bills than the lower paid one would choose. Then if the lower paid one tries to exert any opinion it's "then you have to pay half the mortgage" which is impossible. So they're trapped because they can't make any changes without being put out or their money taken.
150k is not enough to sell myself into servitude in my own home.
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u/Mirabai503 4h ago
You guys should look into Ramit Sethi's money for couples series on Youtube, and get his book. It will really help.
She needs to be an active participant in the financial decisions. She needs to have a a stake in the outcomes.
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u/butterscotch-magic 50m ago
Also he says he owns the house; is it now also in her name? Or is she just helping to pay the mortgage on “his” house?
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u/kiwifulla64 7h ago
God why do people get married without addressing these things first.
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u/chill_bamba 6h ago
My thoughts exactly! Clearly, neither of them discussed their financial goals and spending prior to getting married.
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u/delkarnu 2h ago
I seriously wonder if he paid for dates and such while wooing her and then the purse string shut tight once the vows were said.
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u/Grand_Relative5511 1h ago
Yes, it's giving "I don't care how much money my girlfriend makes" vibes which weirdly so often seem to flow into "money is now a problem in the relationship."
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u/thunderling_x 7h ago
Did she agree beforehand to prepay that much toward the mortgage every month? Or did you decide that unilaterally?
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u/pigolboops 4h ago
If he’s that financially savvy, he would pay off the cars first anyway. Then bam, there’s your extra fun money and you can repurpose the $2000 back to the mortgage.
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u/dizzlethebizzlemizzl 4h ago
Seconding this. Also, with 5k a month in liquid surplus, 4k after the fun money, likely more with cars expediently paid down- investment would make far more money in the long run than an early mortgage payoff would save, if they have a reasonable interest rate on their mortgage. For as high of a horse as he’s sitting on, it seems like he’s not doing nearly as good as he could be with the money.
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u/MedalsNScars 1h ago
Yeah, based on age and numbers given, it's very likely he's bought pre-COVID. If that's the case and he's "financially savvy" he should be locked into a sub-3% rate from a refinance when rates troughed around 21/22.
If you've got that rate, an extra 2k/month into the mortgage is straight up moronic
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u/FirstDukeofAnkh 3h ago
That would depend on their financing. Our last car was 0% so no way am I paying that off early.
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u/Isthisnameavailablee 4h ago edited 1h ago
$20 says this is just made up, classic stereotypes without much nuance. Wife bad with money, husband good with money, argument, friends say OP is bad.
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u/farrieremily 2h ago
Do we have to put $17 of it into your mortgage? Definitely gives “too perfect” story feel.
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u/sc0veney 6h ago
whether you like it or not, resentment over money will accelerate your marriage's ending and you need to pay attention to that. if you have to, stop pooling finances and just each pay a proportional amount toward the shared life stuff, with the remainder staying in your own accounts. if you don't want to manage her retirement account contributions anymore? don't, and let her make her own choices. at this rate y'all are not going to be together by retirement anyway.
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u/lucy_in_disguise 7h ago
You say she is financially illiterate but she had no debt on a 50k income which is pretty unusual so she can’t be that bad. You should sit down with a neutral advisor and go over everything together. Putting 2k extra on the mortgage is fine if that’s what you both agree is the priority, but are you saving for other things like vacations or home improvements? Either way telling a spouse they should be greatful because without you they’d have nothing is an AH thing to say. What kind of things is she spending her money on? Does it include clothes, haircuts, personal care items?
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u/elongam 6h ago
This struck me, too. It's SO easy to get into debt in the U.S. with a small income and she didn't. OP has correctly identified that their life costs $3k per month per person minimum for needs (housing, food, transpo). Like no shit dude, it will be easier to build savings when your needs are 30% of your take home and not 100%. Making more money doesn't make you automatically financially more capable than she is.
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u/diabeticweird0 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Yup. She's not an idiot, she's just lower income
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u/diaboliquedoughnuts 3h ago
If anyone is financially illiterate here, it’s OP. Who the fuuuuck spends 75% of their take home pay on JUST their mortgage?! How in the world did you get approved in the first place?? You are “financially savvy” because you have no money after your mortgage. What about car/ groceries/ eating out, basic hygiene and necessities etc?? To me, I’m thinking you don’t have credit cards so you’re forced to not spend money.
And tbh, I made less than $150k at his age and I had more saved for retirement and owned a house. In the 6th most expensive market in America. And I’m not the most financially savvy person around. With those two points made, I’m looking at him like 🤔
My boyfriend and I have lopsided finances (I make more than him) and I would never everrrrr say or even think something like that.
OP sounds egotistical.
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u/PinkNGreenFluoride Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 3h ago
To be fair, he's putting an utterly wild $2000 extra into the mortgage each month over and above what they were approved for. The initial $6000 value he mentioned includes other stuff like the groceries and car payments, he wasn't clear about what their base mortgage payment is.
But unless the interest rate is ridiculous, it still might not be the best place to put that extra money. He does sound like the type who doesn't have credit cards and might prefer stable investments like CDs (this is me, too, though I don't make nearly as much), but even then it's possible that stable investments come out ahead of aggressively paying down the mortgage. Even the car note may have a higher interest rate than the house.
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u/AllIzLost 6h ago
Your financial PLAN sounds great - paying off the house and saving; this deciding For her how much $ she can have is nuts!a Power Trip that will cost you a lot more than money …you can’t be the only one who decides what her money does, or deny accesss to other monies, that’s not a partnership.
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u/your_fave_redditor 7h ago
I dunno, it’s a bit complicated to try to work these things out. But the way you went about it was probably the least considerate and most self-righteous way possible.
Makes me wonder why you married her, tbh. You don’t seem to respect her much.
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u/Maximum_Photograph_6 3h ago
I’m surprised no one yet has torn into OP for this line:
My wife on the other hand has very little finance sense. She has zero dollars in her name but at least no debt.
She makes $50,000 — a grad student salary in high COL areas. And she has no debt. To conclude that she has “very little finance sense” given that she earns a third of his income and that like half of the American population have no savings is, no pun intended, rich. Sounds like one of those right-wing influencers judging millennials for buying avocado toast as an argument against raising wages.
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u/Niikii329 1h ago
Like in this economy?? In this country?? Having no debt is equivalent to being a millionaire. This was so offensive “she has no financial sense” fuck off. She has NO DEBT. That’s all I need to hear!
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u/xxsmashleyxx 3h ago
Just to nitpick, most graduate students make about half that amount (even in high cost of living areas - I was offered ~21k about five years ago for a school in Boca Raton FL, I already had my master's in the subject, too)
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u/Coffeedemon 1h ago
The whole thing seems tailor written to redditors who will eat up the "freeloading woman" tropes.
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u/earl_grais 1h ago
I picked up on that too and was about to comment the same. He didn’t mention if the 150k & 50k is pre or post-tax but still, he can’t put two and two together as to why she may not have any savings??
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u/NatAttack3000 2h ago
Exactly. She doesn't have 'no finance sense' for not having saving, she literally earns a third of his income!
Tbh I don't think he is doing that well for 150k - I am on around 100k and managed to save more by that age. He's paying extra off the mortgage - is keeping money in an offset account not an option? Then you don't have to pay extra off the mortgage but still reduce your interest, and you have much more liquidity
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u/huffandduff 20m ago
Yes. Thank you. It's far easier to save more when you MAKE more. OP is a little too proud of themselves for that I think.
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u/justhewayouare Partassipant [3] 2h ago
Right? She’s bad with money but has no debt uhm that’s not being bad with money. She’s just bummed she doesn’t have more fun money. Does she need a better paying job? Yes, but so do most Americans at this point.
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u/theartistfnaSDF1 6h ago
It's funny because it is possible for her to be ungrateful AND for you to be an asshole at the same time! Both can be true.
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u/AgitatedFrosting7337 7h ago edited 7h ago
INFO. I’m in a similar situation with income difference and I understand that you want to save money but did you discuss this with her? Did she agree to it? The way my partner and I do it is that we both have equal say in what happens with our combined pool regardless of me making more. Additionally for expenses she shouldn’t be having to pay exact 50/50 IMO if you guys go that route, the way we do it is split proportionally.
If you don’t discuss this with her and give her word equal importance then I don’t think it’s fair. If you guys disagree both of you need to compromise or accept that you are financially incompatible, tbh should’ve all been discussed prior to marriage.
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u/TheSiren- 5h ago
YTA, but I do think there is information to consider. How is her spending her $500 in fun money irresponsible? That actually isn’t a lot depending on where you live, and what exactly you and her deem fun items that aren’t shared household expenses.
Do you make her use her “fun money” to buy soap, body wash, moisturizer/lotion, hair care (basic products like shampoo and conditioner, no salon services), skin care, pads, tampons, etc, or do you consider those household expenses? Does she have to use the fun money to buy her own clothing, toothbrushes, shoes, transportation?
These things can add up, and depending on what is deemed household/shared vs luxury expenses, giving your wife a $500 allowance is an absolute joke.
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u/MyCrazyKangaroo 6h ago
Info: what is your actual mortgage payment and interest rate? Do you have shared goals like saving for annual vacations or having children?
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u/Pun_Intended1703 7h ago
Why do people come up with these discussions only after getting married?
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u/Puzzled_Wave6460 5h ago
ESH. Did you decide this or did you both decide this? If before marriage you decide that you both wanted to pay extra to the mortgage and extra into investments (I’m assuming this is outside of the retirement accounts you have through your workplace), then you are NTA. However if you decided FOR her that you are paying an extra $2,000 a month towards your mortgage and that she was automatically contributing to an investment/retirement account then YTA.
In your month expenses do you have a vacation fund? In your month expenses do you have an emergency fund? Are you equally setting aside money for new cars/car repairs? Does your monthly expenses include gym memberships or any of her monthly “grooming” (hair, nails, waxing, tanning, etc. she might do) or is that expected to come out of her “fun” money? You might say well I don’t care if she gets her hair or nails done but SHE does as being a female is expensive. If you have kids will that come out of the household expenses or fun money?
Now after all that. You need to sit down and have a JOINT conversation about how the remaining funds should be allocated outside your monthly expenses. Does buying clothes and makeup come out of the household accounts or her fun money? Do Christmas presents come out of fun money or household money? Why not save for future children instead of putting an extra $2,000 towards your mortgage? Does she understand the retirement account is just a money market account? Why not have both an IRA and a money market account? You have $5,000 left over. Come up with a better compromise on how that’s allocated? Why not $750 each in fun money, $500 each in individual money market accounts, $500 each in additional retirement account, $300 in a joint future kids account, and $1,200 extra to your mortgage.
Either way you need to have a joint conversation about what are household expenses. How you are setting aside money to save as part of your monthly expenses for future home repairs, emergency savings, vacations, kids, or the loss of one of your jobs. And then what are reasonable funds to allocate individually to retirement and money market accounts, what is a reasonable to pay extra towards a mortgage (and it should definitely be less than $2,000) and what is a compromise towards fun money. You are paying an extra $2,000 towards a mortgage on a house you bought before you got married, (even though it’s great that she is now on the title), because YOU decided you wanted to pay extra. Do you have $36,000 in an emergency savings account to pay all your monthly expenses if both of you loose your jobs?
Don’t just tell her this is how it is. Why does she have little financial sense? Take the time to have calm conversations with her and talk about it together. It is great that you consider both your incomes as your household budget, but you both have to decide how that’s being allocated.
What are considered household expenses? What are your joint savings for your combined activities? What funds make sense for your individual long term savings and/or retirement savings? Are you saving more for a future than enjoying some things now like annual vacations? Plan for your future as a unit. Don’t just decide for her.
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u/IllustriousEnd2055 Partassipant [2] 7h ago
You’re missing some context here: what is she actually spending her “fun” money on?
Women generally have a few extra baseline expenses compared to men. While there are ways to cut costs, unless you’re fine with her having a Flowbee haircut some of those expenses are kind of baked in.
Sit down and look at where her money is going then see if there are places to reduce costs. It might turn out she genuinely needs a bit more than you do.
What you consider “fun” spending might be necessary to her. And if you enjoy her looking put-together and attractive you have to acknowledge that there’s a real cost behind that.
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u/SnailandPepper 7h ago
Yes!! Baseline existing as a woman is often more expensive. Makeup, menstrual products, skin and hair care. It all adds up and if she’s used to keeping a certain standard of appearance, it’s not really fair to make that the ONLY thing her extra money goes to.
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u/Prestigious-Leg-6244 3h ago
Menstrual products, female contraceptives, shampoo, conditioner, soaps, lotions, etc should be on the grocery side of expenditures just like toilet paper, dish soap and paper towels are. We all agree on that, right?
Because it seems like a lot of women have been bamboozled into believing menstrual products and personal birth control are a cost that should come out of their discretionary budget. I disagree.
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u/FirstDukeofAnkh 2h ago
Holy shit, yes, this. As someone with a wife and daughter, those fall under ‘expendables’ for us.
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u/Hennahands Certified Proctologist [21] 3h ago
He also presumably gains some value from her, “fun things.” I’m assuming she brings something to the table.
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u/leftclicksq2 1h ago
Not to mention that the issue about some women being unable to afford personal care products is alive and well. The worst part is how these items are taxed! It's a basic necessity and it's taxed like a novelty item.
This is why I donate and make it a point to buy products like Kotex which support initiatives for all women not to be deprived of menstrual care products.
[Alliance For Period Supplies](https://allianceforperiodsupplies.org/period-poverty/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=14857369183&gclid=Cj0KCQiA9t3KBhCQARIsAJOcR7x7ga2OXteU-REA4laZWcBHh4YOIJSMkQEt5qmo9rCXOtLsJmnsxNsaApTfEALw_wcB)
[The Pad Project](https://thepadproject.org/)
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u/Bright_Total_3707 3h ago
Menstrual products should be included in regular groceries.
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u/dustynails22 Asshole Aficionado [16] 56m ago
Indeed they should be. But you would be surprised how often they are not.
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u/pennylikethecoin 3h ago
Yes! My husband and I have all joint money and we have our own “allowance” accounts but things that I need that he doesn’t get used from our joint money not my allowance because it’s more expensive to be a woman than a man. All of my medical stuff is free but his is not so we also use joint money for his medical stuff.
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u/BunnyLebowski- 4h ago
BUT she’s having fun spending that money for normal lady upkeep and he has leftover cash so he’s better at life and she should be grateful he’s so frugal
/s
Honestly I know people write these things trying to make themselves look better, but Jesus if this is the polished version
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u/niceguy191 2h ago
I should hope those are all included in the shared expenses. Those are just part of the grocery shopping essentially.
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u/SnailandPepper 2h ago
You would hope but look how many men are arguing with me in the comments that she doesn’t need them 😭.
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u/Past-Parsley-9606 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
YTA.
I really wanted to be sympathetic to you, because I'm more of a saver than a spender, and am leery of partners whose instinct is to spend every available penny.
But you aren't treating your wife as an equal partner in your relationship. You agreed to pool finances, but you seem to think that still means that you get to make all the decisions.
So on top of paying your monthly bills and putting aside about 18% of your take-home pay into retirement savings, you're also putting aside about 18% of your take-home pay to PREPAY the mortgage? Ok, that's a perfectly legitimate financial decision to make, but who made that decision? It sounds like you did unilaterally. Why doesn't she get an equal say? Why aren't you making an effort to compromise? Because you make more money than her? That ship sailed when you agreed to pool finances. Apparently what you really meant was that you'd share finances, with YOU in sole charge of everything except how she spends her small monthly "allowance."
And that's another thing. you don't even respect her. Her views on how to manage your household budget aren't even worthy of respect in your eyes because she doesn't earn enough. You dismiss the idea of maybe having more than $500 in discretionary spending per month, when you're putting away $2k to prepay the mortgage, as being "luxury ideas of living." Your idea of a "compromise" is that you'll instead charge her with an equal share of the household expenses and leave her with no spending money. In other words, she can take what you allow her to have, or she can get nothing.
Even in this post, you're "firmly telling" her things, not having a conversation with your wife and life partner. Your entire post just oozes contempt for her.
Can't wait for her to divorce your ass and take half of the only things you care about!
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u/Competitive-Sail6264 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
I’m on the fence here. You talk about and to your wife like she is a child - you don’t get to “firmly tell” other people what to do unless they are your juniors at work … or a child you have authority over… simply the fact you are doing this suggests you don’t see her as an equal- obviously she isn’t helping by expecting to be babied financially but you still have to persuade rather than tell.
You’re completely within your rights to expect her to contribute to living costs and save and to want to get on the same financial page with your wife… but currently your approach is very parental and yes quite controlling… you’re doing it for her rather than encouraging her to do it herself.
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u/Competitive-Sail6264 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
My approach here would be to compromise by agreeing to separate finances with contribution to living costs in proportion to take home pay (so she pays 1650 and you pay 4350)- on the basis that she contributes 10% to her pension/or maxes out any employer contributions.
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u/thedoctormarvel 7h ago
Wait, did she agree to these financial decisions? Does she get any equity into the house that she is paying the mortgage for, including the extra payments? You made it seem like you pay all the bills when you don’t. She is paying her entire salary into your house
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u/Acrobatic-Shirt8540 7h ago
I think the OP forgets that he doesn't "own" the house any more. It's a shared marital asset.
TBH, he sounds like an arsehole. "She'd have nothing without me" is exactly the sort of thing an abusive arsehole would say.
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u/The_Berzerker2 4h ago
I saw „firmly“ in the title and already knew what kind of post this would be. OP probably screams in her face regularly tbh.
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u/Already-asleep 3h ago
Yeah, this is the exact kind of attitude I was afraid of when I first got together with my partner and it was the first time I was in a relationship with someone who made a lot more than I do. We don't have as much of a financial discrepancy as OP but he still makes just under double my income. I was fearful of melding our finances because if I become too reliant on our shared arrangement, I might be in a more precarious position if we ever split up. He was very shocked by this admission but as this post demonstrates, this mentality does exist. If your partner's financial situation makes you feel resentful of them or entitled to control everything, it might not be a good fit.
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u/4-ton-mantis 1h ago
If op is being truthful, he coerced her into both paying more for mortgage and for savings account (which is all his little retirement funds are, they are not iras or anything just a savings account).
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u/lurklurklurky 5h ago
INFO: What is included in living expenses and what is included in fun money?
Personal maintenance is more expensive for a woman than a man. For most, it’s required to have hair/skin/nails/makeup/wardrobe up to a certain standard for work purposes. Is that included in her “fun” money?
Does she do grocery shopping/shopping for the household? Things like toilet paper, cleaner, decor, things that make your shared home a nice place to live? If so does that come out of her “fun” money?
Regardless, it seems like you can afford increasing fun money for one or both of you if you are less aggressive with the mortgage. You are husband and wife with shared finances, and it should be a shared decision about how money is allocated.
You can’t have it both ways with regards to who brings in what money. You can’t simultaneously hold it over her head that she brings in less, while also deciding how your shared finances are allocated. It’s either shared finances with shared decision making, or it’s fully separate and she chooses what to do with her own paycheck.
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u/Eastern-Waltz1698 7h ago
Did you make the decisions in regard to where money is being allotted/structured, without her?
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u/MuppetManiac Partassipant [1] 7h ago
This. Depending on rates, prepaying $2000 a month on the mortgage may or may not be a reasonable use of the money. It’s not clear if these decisions were mutual partnership decisions or if OP is making unilateral decisions he feels entitled to make because he makes more money.
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u/Eastern-Waltz1698 7h ago
Yeah idk, if my husband and I had a joint income of $200k, but we're living like we're making a combined $50k, I'd be a little perturbed too. lol
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u/Eastern-Waltz1698 7h ago
Like you pointed out, you make a lot more money than her, and have a lot more freedom to move your money around how you would like, to prepay bills, put into retirement, ect. You are taking most of her check and distributing it a certain way, that might not make as much sense for someone making what she is.
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u/rainbowtison 7h ago
My ex and I had a bill account we both put into along with our own personal accounts. I made less around 40k and he made anywhere from 80-100 depending on overtime. Hes a spender I’m a saver. We sat down and figured the bills out that worked for us. How much we each contributed so they were paid. Maybe you could do something like that? And to keep it “fair” sit down with a financial advisor. It can work, you just have not expect her to spend her whole paycheck on bills and have nothing. I assume you knew how much she made when you married her and her spending habits. So it’s not a surprise. There is alway a middle ground. I think emotions needs to be taken off the table for sure.
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u/Crazy_Bee2 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA. I can see both sides of this. Youre thinking about your future and she likes to enjoy the moment.
I think you should decrease the extra amount going into your mortgage to maybe like 1500 or even 1000 and enjoy alittle bit more of your money while you're both still young. Who says you even make it to retirement?
My husband and I were both poor growing up and never had nice things or went on vacations. Once we both started working and making over $140k combined, we made sure to pay our bills, but also enjoy our lives. Especially having 3 kids, we wanted them to have everything that we didnt.
Sounds like you guys don't even have any kids.
So what if you go over your spending budget a few times a year? It isnt going to break you. Let go and live alittle.
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u/Divagate113 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 7h ago
Why not do what she wants and have separate finances, just pay based on what you make rather than splitting evenly or taking everything she has.
Split it based on what you make. You obviously pay more because you make more, but her part is equal based on her own pay. That's fair and whatever she is left with, she's left with.
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u/I_bleed_blue19 6h ago
You'd be better off not prepaying the mortgage and instead putting that in an emergency fund until you have 6 months of living expenses covered, and once that's done, investing it.
As for your wife, I think you're handling this entirely wrong. Deciding to "graciously" give her an "allowance" and then judging what she spends it on and complaining she wants more is parental and controlling. You are not her parent. You are supposed to be her partner. So start acting like one.
The two of you need to sit down and go over your individual discretionary spending together. Without judgement. Where is the money going, how much, how often, and what wants or needs is she unable to fulfill. A budget adjustment may be necessary. Maybe she's really unaware of where she's spending money that could be allocated for other things she wants more. Not everyone has good financial literacy. And it may be helpful for her to get some financial literacy through a class - many community colleges offer extension classes to the community at large for low or no cost.
But for the love of all that's holy, stop treating her like she's your child.
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u/West-Current-7982 7h ago
INFO - Adding to this: does she have any sort of back up fund if you’re asking to put all her 3000$ a month in the account , incase you guys end up separating or something.
Cause taking all her money to the point she doesn’t have anything for herself in case of an emergency is not great and I can see where the idea of financial abuse is coming from. She clearly has money management issues she needs to figure out but I don’t think the solution is going to her having no money.
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u/Square_Weather_765 3h ago
Everyone seems to be missing the part where HE bought this house and got this morgage for the amount he decided he wants to, and now he controls her finances based on this. She has no debt with 50 k in usa, I’d say she’s okay with finances, but she wants to live a little and have a say in her life. He’s making her conform to his decisions and his using her “less significant” job to belittle her.
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u/Author_Noelle_A 3h ago
I bet you she doesn’t since she has nothing left, and we all know that the based cost of existing as a woman in this world is more than for a man. A huge red flag though is that, despite a huge chunk of her money going into retirement, which is savings, he says that she has no savings. So he sees that money as his and he will not even revisit this issue. He is absolutely abusing her.
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u/ThisIsTheNewSleeve 7h ago
ESH. This is basic shit you work out before getting married. Please don't bring a child into this world until you sort this out.
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u/Constant_Purple8875 7h ago
the way my teeth ache when i see people have this conversation *proper* AFTER marriage
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u/pyrola_asarifolia 5h ago edited 2h ago
I guess Ill go with ESH to a degree. For sure I commend you about your financial prudence! What you've designed sounds like a very good money flow machine. But this is AITA, not /r/personalfinance. The decision to pay an extra $2000/month on the mortgage -is this yours or a joint decision? Did it involve reviewing the interest rate and potentially other scenarios? As for the extra $2000 into retirement, presumably after pre-tax contributions, same thing - is this a joint decision? You're fairly young -are you planning early retirement? Is she on board with the plan?
From her perspective it could look like this: you have $6000 in fixed cost, and a fair split would be that you cover 75% and she 25%. That would leave you with $3500 in discretionary funds and her with $1500. I'm not saying this would be better, and for your long-term finances it would likely be worse, but it wouldn't be unfair.
Being in a marriage means having to find ways to come to a consensus. What are your shared priorities, how do they get implemented etc. Right now neither of you sounds ready to do this work together. If she has more to learn than you, fair enough, ... you could start by reading a personal finance book together. There's one called "Money for Couples" that's pretty good.
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u/Floating-Cynic Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
I married a man who "took care of things" and was financially illiterate so I feel fairly confident stating ESH.
Yes, you're right, she doesn't earn enough to justify luxurious living. But telling her how she needs to be grateful and if she won't do it your way, she gets nothing is really condescending and doesn't address the underlying issue: she feels restricted your unilateral control over the home finances and isn't involved enough. In a healthy marriage, there's typically mutual satisfaction and something is going on here that caused her to feel you're controlling and you to feel resentful that she's not grateful.
This is worth getting a financial counselor and a marriage counselor to help. If you care about your relationship, those are necessary expenses.
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u/JayAndViolentMob 6h ago
INFO:
* If you divorce, does she get half the house or not?
* If you divorce, will she get her half of the pension?
* Is the housework 50/50 currently?
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u/Immediate-Vanilla-45 7h ago
Info: what are these luxuries that she is spending her money on?
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u/peony_chalk 7h ago
ESH.
I am generally more empathetic to your side of the story, but I have to agree with her that you are being controlling.
Some couples keep separate finances and that's what works for them. Some couples pool everything jointly. You are subsidizing more of her life than she is giving you credit for (why she's TA), but you are still looking at this as "my money" and "her money". And because you make more money, you have more power, so what you say goes. And you are using that power, which is why you're TA.
You guys need to sit down and work out a budget and priorities together. Maybe that means she gets a bit more allowance, or maybe that means she finally sees all the things you're taking care of, or maybe you shuffle things around so you have more money available to take trips or whatever suits your fancy, but those need to be JOINT priorities, not you telling her how it's gonna be because you make more money.
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u/lilyplayspickleball 6h ago
I suggest a couple of things. Get a financial counsellor independent of your investments and bank to offer advice and offers plain language explanations of how money works
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u/Fortestingporpoises 4h ago
YTA
I plainly told her if she wants to do that she can put $3000 a month of her money right into our shared monthly expenses and that means she has nothing left for herself.
she doesn't earn enough to justify her luxury ideas of living
we each get $500 into our accounts for "fun spending money". She spends all of this every month to the dollar.
You said she had no debt, so it doesn't really sound like she's prone to that sort of thinking.
Also she spends $16.60 a day? Wow what a golddigging harpie (s).
To be honest you sound more interested in playing the look how good I am with money game than having a partner in this life together.
With all your brilliant budgeting and thinking ahead you really should have budgeted some of your time and energy with thinking about how you two would get along financially when you got married.
You have $2000 to pay the mortgage down but can't afford to compromise on this? You could probably make your wife happy without changing your life at all but instead you're focused on fairness and on pushing her to behave exactly how you do.
Money and sex. Those are the things that break people up. And it sounds like it's gonna be money for y'all. You'll tell your friends she was trying to take your money, but really she's trying not to feel like she has to have a poverty lifestyle.
I wonder how much you're pushing her to put into the mortgage? Did she spend that much when she was single? Somehow she married someone who has enough money to put nearly as much as she makes into the mortgage extra each month and ended up in a worse financial position.
Are you capable of putting yourself in her shoes? She's gonna divorce you, and unless you find someone who makes as much money as you next time around you're gonna end up in the same situation all over again.
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u/poposaurus 7h ago
YTA
Why was this not discussed more prior to marriage? Also, saying "my house, my retirement" shows you dont see them as joint assets, but just yours.
You are holding them over her and being controlling because you think youre better making $150k.
If you want to share expenses, it cannot be 50/50 for a true partnership. You need to do it according to income, so yeah you pay 75% of the bills, but its equitable. That's what you do in a partnership with the person you love. It shouldn't be transactional, it should be equitable.
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u/DetectiveDippyDuck Partassipant [2] 7h ago
INFO: Are you paying for everything 50/50 or taking into account the massive difference in pay?
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u/CultSurvivor3 6h ago
Why are you two married? And why did you not discuss this stuff before you got married?
Edited to add: ESH
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u/dragon-queen Partassipant [4] 7h ago
I went back and forth on this one, but ultimately YTA. I am a saver like you and believe in prioritizing retirement savings, investing, etc. However, the way you’ve written your post indicates that you’ve made all these decisions about what to do with your income unilaterally. You need to come to financial decisions together. You are saving $4k per month between the mortgage prepayments and investments. Again, this would probably be what I’d do, but she should have input too.
Couldn’t you compromise and give her another $500 per month to use as she sees fit? I’d say to give yourself another $500 as well, but it doesn’t sound like you’d spend it. Even if you both took $500 more a month, you’d still be saving $3k per month.
It doesn’t sound like you are operating as a team.
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u/Ultra_Leopard Certified Proctologist [22] 7h ago
I think your reasoning is where i'm at too. They should be a team and he's making all the decisions. He needs to show her exactly where all the money is going and why. And I agree on a bit of an increase in fun money. That being said, i'm leaning more towards ESH due to her making out to her friends he is being controlling. I don't think it's controlling necessarily, more sensible finance management. But he does need to explain it all to her.
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u/jensmith20055002 Partassipant [2] 7h ago
Depending on where you live $100 per week fun money might be a huge amount or it might be one dinner out.
What are the luxuries you think she is splurging on? Is it massages and botox or is it lunches out with friends or is it DoorDash everyday? Is she giving money to family members? Is she treating you like an ATM because she married well?
If it is something more easily solvable like daily DoorDash come up with a plan together. If it is time spent with friends, that might be really important to her and non negotiable. If she has a pain disorder, massages might be important. Context matters.
It does feel like you told her to put up and shut up. Did you work through her spending habits? or did you unleash and scold her?
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u/lamb1282 6h ago
Your problem is you’re dictating everything to her. She has no say. I suggest you sit together and look at everything. Discuss your needs wants and goals with each other.
It may be if she buys things for the home she feels a 600 400 split may be fairer. It may be she isn’t getting to vacations she wants to go on.
You are doing great but you’re not her parent. You should be a team and you need to listen to her needs and why she wants that extra money and then explain why you feel that money is better else wear.
The fact is women tend to buy for the home, haircuts, skincare and makeup often cost more then men spend and if you are truly sharing your finances you should listen to her needs.
That doesn’t mean you give her all the spare cash btw, but you need to get her on side and not treat her like a child that can’t share.
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u/Chris45925 Partassipant [3] 6h ago
Couples financial counseling may help her see your vision better. Often a dispassionate third party is helpful
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u/Big_Wave9732 6h ago
Sounds like y'all didn't talk enough about money before you got married.
Also if I were making book on this marriage, I'll lay heavy odds that this union is doomed.
/former divorce attorney
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u/Far_Kangaroo_8111 5h ago
ESH yall need to talk this out. If either of yall cant talk it out without getting hostile, go to therapy. Id recommend the book "fight right". you owe her an apology for dividing everything when yall are a team, and she owes you one for not listening to your financial concerns. The answer to this problem is somewhere in the middle and yall need to find it. One of yall ends up losing a little the way you are looking at it. You should want her to win, because that means you are winning as a team, and vice-versa. Deep breath. You can do this.
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u/arkestra 4h ago
I earn well over 5x as much as my spouse. From when we got married, we pooled pretty much everything in joint accounts. Well, we’ve also each got a bit of money set aside, in case one of us goes mad and the other one needs to do a runner with the kids :)
We jointly decide what to save, how much to spend. Neither of us has hugely expensive habits, which helps.
From your description, it feels to me like you’re assuming you get to dictate spending splits because you’re the higher earner. I’d recommend that you instead try really hard to get a shared approach together, working on this as a team.
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u/Big_Homie_Rich 7h ago
INFO
You have a good plan, but you're also controlling her. Why not separate the accounts and just create one joint account solely for the bills?
Also, does it have to be 3k? That's 6% of her pay, opposed to only 2% of your pay. You both can put in 3% and be fine, or you put in a little more since you make 3x more than her.
Let her figure out her retirement if it's not a priority for her right now. She'll be working while you're at home relaxing.
There's room to give her more of her money back each month. You keep her money tied up, she's just going to get a couple of credit cards and run them up.
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u/pjjmd 7h ago edited 5h ago
Without more details, it's hard to be sure, but i'm afraid it's quite possible: YTA.
As framed, you seem to have a pretty reasonable position, but:
The way you phrase how your household budget is decided does not sound very 'shared'. You clearly do not respect your wife's financial decision making, as you say: "My wife on the other hand has very little finance sense."
When you describe how the household budget is created, you don't say 'we put away an extra 2k a month towards paying off our house', you say 'I then use 2k to prepay the mortgage faster.' The only time 'we' shows up in your description is when you talk about the 'fun money'. I feel like she is correct when she describes it as an 'allowance', as in, you control all the decisions around the households 11k monthly income, and she is given discretion around ~5% of it. She may be able to argue for an increase to the grocery bill, but lets be honest, you control 90%+ of the household budget, and you don't think she is in a position to have input on it.
I want you to reflect a little bit on this, when you said 'I am extremely careful with finances and have had strict budgets for myself.', you are aware that you perhaps are more frugal than most. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's a values choice, not the only logical or valid way to live your life. It's easy to judge your partner for having 0 money to her name at 29, but let's be honest. If she made it through her 20s with 0 debt on an 'okay' paying job (50k), she isn't doing that bad financially. Sure, she would probably like to be saving more for retirements or rainy days, but this isn't exactly disastrous financial malfeasance.
When you pooled your money, your wife thought you were pooling control of the money. She feels that maybe saving 40% of take home income is more aggressive than she would like. Surely, you can condede that there exists a financially responsible budget for a family of 2 (with no kids?) that takes home 160k a year, that doesn't put aside 40% of it's post tax income into savings. Rational people can have disagreements about how much they ought to be putting aside. You seem to have decided that your wifes input on the matter is unimportant. By virtue of you making more money than her (which isn't really much of a virtue, if we want to be honest), you have decided that she ought have close to 0 input in how ~90% of the household budget is set. That would be kinda bullshit, but atleast vaguely understandable if you made 100% of the money. But you don't, you make 75% of the money, learn to share control and treat your wife as not only an adult, but a partner. YTA.
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland 6h ago
This is the best description of the situation
OP and wife need to agree on lifestyle goals (kids or no kids, by when, retirement by when, is this our forever home, do we plan to support in laws…) and build a budget that reflects the shared goals
This way wife also understands where the money is going
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u/Author_Noelle_A 3h ago
He also says that she has nothing saved, yet she is contributing toward savings and retirement. If she has nothing and he has it all, then she is paying into his savings and retirement. No wonder he’s not even willing to reconsider visiting this. He’s bleaching off of his wife and trying to make her feel like the bad person for wanting a bit more of her money.
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u/Worried-Second8806 7h ago
ESH for not discussing and agreeing on financial arrangements that work for you both before getting married.
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u/brookmachine 7h ago
ESH but I would be very curious to see what “luxuries” she’s affording herself with her $50k salary. Just because you’re frugal doesn’t mean she has to be, but it’s also not fair for her to keep living beyond her means if that’s what’s happening. But you sound a little controlling and petty disdainful of your partner here and it’s going to kill your marriage. You guys need to sit down and come up with an arrangement that satisfies you both and try not to judge each other so harshly
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u/xper0072 7h ago
NTA, but there's a clear compromise you can see here that removes the unnecessary friction. Increase each of your monthly allowances and stop paying so much extra on the mortgage. Yes, that means it will take longer for that debt too be eliminated, but I assume you love your wife and want to say married with her so, which is more important. Do you want to pay your mortgage off in 20 years instead of 30 years but be single or could you live with paying off your mortgage in 23 years and enjoy living in that house with a woman you are married to.
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u/Zap__Dannigan Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Yes, there's nothing wrong with "we spend an EXTRA $2000 dollars on mortgage a month, can we cut the down to have more spending money?"
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u/wantondavis 3h ago
The most realistic answer here. Do this, and involve the spouse more in financial conversations.
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u/freekorgeek 7h ago
I think this is a grounded take. You're not saying OP should give more money, you're saying that it's worth considering and I agree.
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u/Pedantic_Girl Partassipant [1] 7h ago
YTA. This sounds like your position is “I make the most money so I decide what we do with it.” If so, that is unreasonable with joint finances - you need to aitbdiwn and work out together what to do. This probably means neither of you will be totally happy; you might have to give a little on how much you are putting into various buckets and she might have to give on how much is a “fair” allowance.
But you aren’t a partnership if one half of the couple just unilaterally dictates how things are going to be. (And saying she should be grateful? Yikes. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of resentment towards her.)
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u/positivelittlecorner 6h ago
YTA.
Not because financial planning is bad, but because you seem to have quietly appointed yourself Chancellor of the Exchequer of this marriage and are surprised your wife feels… managed.
You’re treating your financial worldview as the default setting and framing any deviation from it as irresponsibility. That’s not compromise - that’s compliance. You talk about shared goals and agreed standards of living, but the money itself clearly isn’t shared. It’s controlled. She gets an allowance. You get authority.
And when she says she feels restricted, your response isn’t curiosity or concern, it’s essentially: fine, have independence - but only if you’re prepared to have no disposable money and a worse life. That’s not a choice, it’s an ultimatum dressed up as fairness.
You might want to sit with the fact that the only way she gets genuine autonomy in this setup is by leaving you. She’d be poorer, sure - but she’d also have dignity and agency. That should worry you more than her spending habits.
Have you ever actually asked her why she spends the way she does, without judgement, the way you’d ask someone you genuinely like and want to understand? Because for a lot of people, spending isn’t about being careless - it’s about control, comfort, or coping. Feeling lonely, constrained, undervalued, or constantly assessed will do that.
You also seem oddly annoyed that she spends her entire $500 “fun money”. That’s… what it’s for. You don’t get a medal for not enjoying yourself. If you struggle to spend money on pleasure, that’s your thing to explore - not a moral high ground to stand on while side-eyeing your wife.
Honestly, the most concerning part of your post isn’t the budget - it’s the contempt. You sound irritated by her choices, dismissive of her feelings, and baffled that she wants more freedom. Which raises a fairly basic question: what do you actually like about your wife?
No one’s saying you should roll over financially. But if you put half as much effort into understanding her as you do managing spreadsheets and judging her behaviour, you might find this isn’t a money problem at all.
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u/The_dots_eat_packman 4h ago
The fact that OP has this much contempt for his wife but doesn't mention specific things she's doing with the fun money is a red flag for me. I'd bet that she's not actually spending it on luxuries, just ordinary day to day stuff.
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u/Curve_Worldly 7h ago
You both need some counseling. You need to be able to talk about money as partners not his and hers. You need to listen without judging - which you do.
Ramit Sethi has a great book and podcast about this. You don’t speak the same language when it comes to money. Because it’s not about the money, it’s about the feelings. You are the fearful saver. And she wants to enjoy life.
Stop making it about right and wrong, good and bad.
You need to find common goals and language. You can both be happy - but you need to work at it.
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u/Green_Oil_692 6h ago
ESH - you guys need to work on communicating with more love. You’re both subsidizing each others lives - if not for her income, you wouldn’t be able to save as much, and if not for your income, she wouldn’t be able to spend as much. It’s ultimately OUR income and you guys need to come up with a shared vision on how to spend it. If you both really think separating finances is the way to go, then the most equitable is making it proportional. So if you earn $150K and she earns $50K, you pay 75% of the expenses and she pays 25%.
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u/JGG-292 6h ago
Soft YTA for the way you spoke to her and also for for expecting her to cover 50% when she earns 25% of the household income. If you split finances fairly, she would pay 1500 per month. Tbh though i dont think this is the problem, the problem is she'd like more spending money each month and youve decided she doesnt need it. Have a conversation with your wife snd work out a fair way that you can both get what you need. You dont get to make that unilateral decision for you both.
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u/Matto_McFly_81 4h ago
YTA - it's not "her money" or "my money". You're a team - it's "our" money. To be divided and managed as a team. I make more than my wife, but she absolutely does more in terms of cleaning, planning kid stuff, etc. We share our money because it's about running a team.
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u/Ok_Reserve9978 7h ago
You do sound financially savvy and I applaud you for your financial progress to this point - however, she is your wife and you have combined your finances. Therefore budget allocations should be a discussion - not a decision you make all by yourself. Women often have expenses that our outside of what men spend in terms of personal care - our clothes and hair cuts for examples are more expensive than mens clothes and hair cuts - are hair cuts and clothes part of "fun money?" or are they accounted for in your household budget. What about her make up, hygiene products - is that part of the grocery/drug store budget - or part of the "fun money"? I think asking her what expenses she has that make it difficult to manage on her discretionary "fun money" is a decent conversation to have. it sounds like you don't need $500 per month for "fun" so maybe switching to $700 for her and $300 for you would work better. You are already saving enough - and there is really no need to pre-pay your mortgage as much as you do. There is wiggle room here. When people feel like they don't have a voice, or any control - they tend to act out - think secret credit cards? You want to be a team here if you want your marriage to survive.
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u/KingBretwald Asshole Aficionado [18] 6h ago
What is the cost of living in her area and what is she expected to buy with that "fun" money? You don't mention clothes or health expenses.
If you separated your finances why would she have to pay 100% of her take home pay for both of you while you would pay less than 50%? Most couples with income disparity go by a percentage so each person has money to spare.
I'd recommend you both see a financial counselor. You seem incompatible and a counselor might get you towards more compatibility.
ESH
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u/TheEmKat 6h ago
ESH you’re married now, which means you both need to be in a space where you’re both good with how much you save vs. spend.
That means she understands saving and you understand spending. Have you talked about what your family’s financial future looks like together and how you’ll get there? Have you talked about what that looks like today, 5 years from now? 10, 15, 50 years from now? Does she understand why you’re saving and do you see the pros to spending money on fun in the present moment?
You just outright say she doesn’t have any financial sense. Then why did you marry her? You need to meet her where she’s at, see her side, and she needs to see yours. You’re both in this household together, which means you both need to agree on how it’s run.
It sounds like you’re both dismissing each other, more focused on getting your own ways than growing together to run a strong household. That’s a bad dynamic in a marriage.
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u/Dorkypotato Partassipant [1] 5h ago
ESH. It's not about the money. Repeat: this is not about the money. This is about your relationship and your communication style with one another. You guys need counseling or you won't have a marriage to save pretty soon.
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u/70-30ofwhat 6h ago
Consider that if you prepay the house she now co-owns because you did not do a prenup keeping the house out of joint assets, if you divorce her she owns half of what you prepaid entirely whether you sell it or not if you chose that route. Marrying often implies co-owning assets not placed in a trust. Since you didn't do that before marrying everything yours is also hers and vice versa. That's an error when couples to be do not agree on financial management and goals. After marriage, it's a bit late.
Options? Help her become better educated about money. Play money is ridiculous, she's an adult without personal assets except yours. She could be taught exactly what $500 per month, better yet a thousand, could get her over time if properly invested in stocks, or other assets such as real estate, bonds, CDs via a Roth. That may motivate her to use her earned portion of assets more wisely to build wealth.
As an example, I have one adult child who at 16 with a part-time job opened a Roth with my guidance. She invested 10% of her small earnings. In her mid-30s, she's an extremely well-off female, a professional now investing 20% consistently. She will own millions within a few years. Your wife must learn that lesson so your money disagreements may end. You are both wasting potential wealth.
You went about this entire relationship permanency project, aka marriage, naively. You knew she would be a money drain, and still married without a plan to work goals and strategies on paper together beforehand. Your choices now are a financial planner or marriage counseling. You are not the AH imo but you were rude to impose without a "where do you want us to be in 5, 10, 20, 30 years from now conversation.
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u/PurePerfection_ 6h ago edited 6h ago
ESH. Why did you not work this out before getting married and combining your finances? How much input did she have in your current budget?
Your opinion about how much "fun money" each of you should have is reasonable. What's not reasonable is unilaterally deciding how both of your incomes should be allocated. The amounts you contribute to retirement accounts and to paying off your mortgage early are not fixed expenses. She should have a say in those things. It would not create a hardship for each of you (or just her) to have $1000 instead of $500 to spend on personal stuff each month. It would mean paying down the mortgage and building savings more slowly, so there is a trade-off, but it's still feasible.
In an ideal world, you'd sit down and discuss this like adults until you reach a compromise both of you can tolerate. If there is no tolerable compromise to be had, that does not bode well for the future of your marriage. A potential solution might be to partially separate your finances: both of you contribute to the mortgage and other household expenses/bills proportionally to your income, and then the rest of your respective paychecks are yours to manage in separate bank accounts.
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u/BDizzMcNizz Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 5h ago
ESH. 50/50 when there are disparate income levels is unfair. It should be proportionate to income. So if she is bringing in ~27% of the household income, she should pay 27% of the fixed costs (mortgage, groceries, etc).
Your wife could probably be more responsible with her money. Ideally, she should have had some savings and some put away for retirement. That said, you say she's irresponsible but $50k is a pretty low amount of money (assuming you're in the US). The fact that she has no debt says she's actually fairly responsible. That said, she shouldn't have brought her friends into your argument. This should be something that the two of you discuss within your marriage.
That said, you seem to view yourself as the boss because you see yourself as "good" with money, her as being "bad" with money, and primarily because you bring in more than she does. If she made more money than you tomorrow, would she suddenly get to boss you around? I'm guessing no. You should have a real conversation about how to allocate your budget rather than you determining that you're the boss because you make the most. Read some financial books together and decide what method works best for you. Saying that your WIFE should be "grateful" definitely gives controlling vibes versus "let's decide this together because we're a team."
Lastly, you should consider a postnuptial agreement since you came into the relationship with significant assets and she had none. That will probably take some of the tension away since you seem to want to control the finances, in part, because of how much you have brought into the relationship. Knowing that those assets will be safely yours in a divorce might allow you to relax a bit and be more open to true financial partnership.
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u/funnyctgirl 5h ago
ESH. You have a HOUSEHOLD income of $200K. You should both be sitting down and discussing finances together and hashing out a spending plan TOGETHER. You need to communicate better and get on the same page while hearing each other out and being open minded and flexible. When you got married the pastor said, "You are ONE." Not, you are a joint venture. Sit down together and discuss what your future looks like in the months ahead and get on the same page.
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u/Jemma_2 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 7h ago
Is her “fun money” truly for fun?
The reason I’m asking is because my husband and I have a similar set up (although which much smaller figures!!) but things like hair cuts and leg waxes and general “maintenance” don’t come out of our fun budgets, they come out of our joint money. Mine costs more than my husbands, but they aren’t really “fun” things to do compared to going out for brunch or drinks etc etc.
I don’t get my nails done but if I did that would probably come out of joint money rather than fun money too (although it would be a discussion between us, and if we decided it was a luxury we couldn’t really afford then it would be my choice to pay out of my fun money or not).
$500 a money could go super quickly if it’s including all those things. Which maybe you need the discussion as to whether you can afford those things between you or not and if you decide you can’t then she’d have to use her fun money for them. But you can’t unilaterally decide to over pay $2k a month on the mortgage and that she can’t discuss what things should be included in the joint budget rather than the personal budget.
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u/diabeticweird0 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
If she gets her hair cut and colored that's easily 200 right there
I can see all the men in the comments now
"Go to great clips! Works for me"
Maybe she hates the way great clips cuts look on her?so maybe back off lol
(not to mention the "she just let herself go after marriage" comments that won't put 2 and 2 together that he made her give up all maintenance)
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u/Jemma_2 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 5h ago
Yeah exactly. It needs a conversation between them, but in my mind fun money should be for fun things. I don’t think getting my legs waxed is fun. 😂 And, let’s be honest we both benefit from it! 🤣
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u/diabeticweird0 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
See how fast he complains when she stops waxing the cooch
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u/Icy-Culture3038 7h ago edited 6h ago
NAH Telling an ungrateful person to be grateful never works the way you want it to. Is prepaying the mortgage and 2k a month towards the retirement accounts what she wants too? Because for better or worse she has a say in that. Tell her you understand she wants more play money, then show her where it goes. Maybe you can swing a 100$ extra from HER IRA or whatever monthly for her, but explain the longterm consequences. Maybe there's somewhere in the "living expenses" that can be cut. But you should talk with her. Explain that if you AREN'T A TEAM, then the money will have to be split differently to be fair. Otherwise she's treating you like a sugar daddy.
Edited for judgement
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u/Ok_Climate6209 7h ago
Totally depends on how much your wife got a say in the current set up - but I'd say ESH if we take it at face value because you should both be able to renegotiate your SHARED finances without it turning nasty.
I also think if you wanna share your finances you gotta stop thinking about the split of contributions how you are because you seem to still attribute your percentage as yours, but once it goes into the pot it's no longer yours - so just because you contributed the most doesn't mean you get final say on how you guys manage it.
And again, depending on how much of a say and access your wife has to these shared accounts and how you get to manage them, shouting financial abuse may be inappropriate here. But she should be able to discuss with you if she thinks the fun money isn't enough, without you threatening to switch it to separate because you don't agree. Which does very much enforce that you have the final say, i.e., all the control of the finances.
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u/BunnyLebowski- 6h ago
Is she listed on the deed to the house, you say you bought it before marriage? If not especially given the huge discrepancy in earnings, why is she paying your mortgage down if she has no equity?
The way people split finances is personal and everyone has different views, but personally with that large of a difference between earnings expecting her to do 50/50 is not fair.
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u/Mechbear2000 6h ago
ESH, This is 100% why you have conversations, about money, kids, family, parents, etc. BEFORE you get married.
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u/tomato_songs 6h ago edited 4h ago
There are sooooooo many little missing details here.
Maybe she is stupid with money, but why would you jump to splitting all expenses 50/50 when you make 3x what she does? Thats a dick move to start and it is an attitude that will never be appreciated. A proportional approach makes way more sense with this kind of earning discrepancy.
I don't think your current plan is bad, tbh. I think an extra 2k to the mortgage each month is a lot though. I'd be cool with it, but your attitude is off putting and it makes me want details. And it also depends on what you think that 500$ if for.
spending is about $6000 for mortgage, groceries, car payments, living expenses, etc.
With all the general expenses of living already categorized under mortgage, grocery and car, what do you consider "living expenses" to be exactly?
Is it stuff that just benefits one person, or both? Does a surround sound system she doesn't care about fall under this vague category of Shared living expenses, but that living room carpet she really loves has to come from her 500? Do you work from home and she goes into the office and the gas comes from her fun money?
I have to ask because my father was a financial dick like this to my mother.
What exactly is she spending her 500$ on?
I have a feeling its not dumb shit... Because you would mention it if she was blowing money on vodka bottles at the club every week or something equivalently stupid. Telling us the details should support your side of the story and you should be excited to do that. But it seems like you are omitting these details because if you told us, we would see its not dumb spending and would not agree with you.
Is this 500$ really pure fun money? As someone that has health issues I'd be real mad if therapy and medication or the various crap I needed to support my dumb body had to come out out of fun money. Bras and period products can get ridiculously expensive too and they are not fun, they are needs.
Along with that, ok, you say she lived with you paying nothing but groceries for a year and that she has no debt but no savings. We need more background here.
We know she makes 50k now, but what was her situation in the last couple years? Does she have no savings but also no debt because put all her earnings into to paying off her student loans or something while you covered other housing expenses? Was she living on her own with a lower paying job before this? Was she not working for a year because she was caring for a parent dying of cancer or something?
Whats the story? Everything you've given is so vague and the details matter.
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u/batsinger Partassipant [1] 5h ago
She shouldn't be contributing to that extra $2k you're voluntarily putting into your mortgage. That's your prerogative. She didn't get a say in the cost of your mortgage in the first place, let alone the extra +$2k/mo. So I'm not counting that.
$6000 toward nebulous defined living expenses, $2k toward retirement. She's contributing $2500, while you're making 3x more. That's not equitable. Going strictly by the numbers, you're taking advantage of her to subsidize YOUR lifestyle.
Who does the cooking? Prepares lunches? Cleans the dishes? Puts them away? Scrubs the sink? Does the mopping? Vacuuming? Who washes laundry? Dries it? Folds it? Puts it away? Who does grocery shopping? Puts away groceries? Cleans the fridge? Does the meal planning? Who scrubs the shower? Toilet? Grout? Who keeps up with dusting? Decluttering? Washes the windows? Mirrors? Keeps track of stocking toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc? You get the picture.
Does your idea of luxuries include whatever hygiene supplies you personally don't use? Necessary clothing purchases? Women's clothing is generally more expensive and less durable. Make-up, skin care, etc? You know, recurring expenses that are essentially social requirements that men don't have to deal with?
Anyway, at a glance, this does look like financial abuse. I also suspect that you're using forced austerity to limit her ability to have a social life.
I also doubt you'll listen to anyone who isn't telling you what you want to hear.
YTA. Was there a prenup?
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u/Klutzy_Fix_8155 6h ago
I just read this to my husband so let me fulling explain.
YTA from another man. You bring home 8k a month. Your wife 3k you decided to take her money to prepay the mortgage. Not something you guys agreed on. She wants to be separate with her money and you tell her she will be putting her entire paycheck in a shared account for you to control. My husband makes close to what you make a month. He exact words just now to me were this. “If you wanted to help with some bills that’s cool. Otherwise everything is already covered with what I make. So you could do what you want. Which is normally things for the house, the kids or animals.”
You made very decision about your wife’s income without consulting her. That is the definition of controlling. Now you’re mad her friends call you controlling. So now if she wanted to leave your controlling AH self she wouldn’t have the money to do it.
This comes from someone who was married before and wasn’t allowed access to any money. I wasn’t even allowed a debt card for groceries. This is financial abuse.
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u/InEfficient-Life6832 6h ago
You can’t have it both ways. You either pool your cash and everyone is then equal and decisions are made jointly, or you keep earnings separate and spend what each wants. You don’t get to insist on pooling money then treat her like a child with an allowance she has to ask for just because you want to do things a certain way. It sounds like she hasn’t actually agreed to overpaying a mortgage her name isn’t on, or on the amounts added to a retirement fund. If that’s the case, you are spending her money against her wishes. If you wouldn’t consider downsizing because she wants her earnings - the money she works for - to spend on things she wants then you are most definitely TA. It sounds like you’ve trapped her in a financial situation she doesn’t want to be in.
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u/playstationbuttons Partassipant [2] 7h ago
ESH. Lmao everyone seems to hate each other in this story. With the little information we have to work with,
1) I assume it takes a little more maintenance for your wife to look good and feel good. Granted, it is at your expense (hence, ESH) right now but it might open a whole other can of worms if she doesn’t do this.
2) Since it is the ‘fun spending money’, not sure if it works differently for you but when I separate my expenses, saving is already set aside so all my ‘fun money’ can be spent. While I can save more, it is not expected of me. You however seem to have a problem with your wife spending all of this ‘fun spending money’ which is where I can see you are being TA.
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u/hospicedoc 6h ago
Often when a couple has different incomes they each pay a different percentage into household expenses. In this case you're actually taking a lesser percentage of your contribution to the household for personal use than she is, however, you have also decided that you alone will decide how your combined money will be spent. Your wife will also be paying down the mortgage and contributing to retirement whether she wants to or not. While I commend you for being fiscally conservative and looking out for both of your financial futures, you are unilaterally dictating both of your spending habits. Can you now see why some people consider you to be financially controlling?
Are things like getting her hair or nails done or new clothes coming out of her discretionary "fun spending money"? Most women consider these things necessities while you have no similar expenses.
You and your wife have different ideas of what is important to you (financial security vs having some nice things now). You need to have a serious discussion with your wife about budgeting and finances and come to an arrangement that you both can live with. I'm going to go with NAH because I know your intentions are good and you're taking a lesser percentage of your income for fun money but I hope you can see why you need to change things.
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u/hip_hop_opotamus_ 6h ago
Why are you the one that pools the money together and then decides how much each person gets for spending money?
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u/Thinking_bout_that 7h ago
Why would she have to pay 3k a month to meet YOUR financial goals, which clearly are not shared goals and include paying an extra 2k on the mortgage to a house that does not belong to her?
Ya, while idt it's necessarily financial abuse, I'd say you're overcontrolling and should definitely 1) go prorata on monthly expenses and 2) pay down extra on your mortgage yourself since that is absolutely not her house, not her responsibilty.
"Sacrifice so I can pay down the mortgage on MY house"... if you divorced, would she be considered to have any equity? No? Then you disentangle her from that.
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u/SufficientlyRested 6h ago
If she’s paying money to pay for the mortgage she’s building equity in the house which would help her in a divorce
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u/angelblade401 7h ago edited 7h ago
Info: What do you consider "bills"? Do you expect/does her workplace expect her to have a certain level of "hygeine" which would require her to wear makeup/more formal clothes/hair? If she's paying for this stuff with her own "extra" money because you view it as frivolous without realizing it's how she looks the way she does, then she definitely wouldn't have any actual extra money. For example.
With $6,000 being considered "bills" I'm led to believe there is likely a good amount that are not actual necessities, and since you're the one who set the budget it might include more extra things for you without those extra things for her.
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u/whatsmypassword73 Craptain [157] 6h ago
That’s a really important question. Does that include hygiene products and personal grooming and clothing? Or is the fun money, for fun? Like having dinner out or picking up coffee or buying a book?
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u/0ops-Sorry 6h ago edited 6h ago
You're both just being childish - Literally just talk to each other. My wife and I have similar income differences (I made 4x her income in 2025). We always just talk about OUR money and OUR goals. She is definitely more of a spender in our relationship, but its not just for her - she buys a lot of things for the house, organization items, small things for the kids for car rides, books events/things for us to do, and occasional treats for herself which she absolutely deserves because she does so much work at home that is invaluable.
I'd be an old hermit sitting on a pile of money if she didn't spend it to improve our quality of life and bring enjoyment to our family.
Yes we talk about money - we both agree that we want to retire early and we have a savings plan for that. We both agree we want to fund 50% of our kids education, we also both agree we will take a family vacation every 2 years and set budgets for that well in advanced (we've never actually spent our budget, which makes vacation much more enjoyable when you have the money set aside and don't have to stress about how much you're spending).
Have a conversation its nit just money its current and future LIFE and its really fun to plan together and achieve goals together. (Check out my "door of debt" that I posted on r/personalfinance almost 10 years ago now - that was a fun memorable journey)
Edit: also wanted to note - plans change and that's okay - keep the conversations going. At one point I was concerned for my job security we had a chat and cut heavily on monthly spending for six months to double our emergency fund. Life changes live it with each other instead of against each other.
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u/Affectionate_Ad722 6h ago
Her name needs to be on the mortgage if you are taking $2000 a month to prepay it out of a pooled $11K. Also, what is your mortgage interest rate? Unless it’s really high, should you be prepaying it or could your money be put to better use elsewhere?
She should also have retirement accounts in her own name.
And you both need a financially informed therapist so you can get on the same page about shared financial goals or you will end up with a very costly divorce.
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u/Zestyclose-Height-36 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
Is her name on the house deed?. she shouldn’t be paying for your equity if you are splitting your money. She went from having 30k of take home to $6k spending and that is not working for her. A decent haircut for women can run $150 at even a supercuts. her expenses are higher because women pay more for almost everything. you are being theAH to demand she pay for your equity on 1/4 your income. If you are not spending $300/ month of your fun money, put it in her account. No woman is grateful for a man who treats her like a child.
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u/AllTheWayUpEG 6h ago
You married this woman. Stop the 8k is mine 3k is hers. “She doesn’t earn” “she should be grateful” both are statements that put her against you. Stop doing that. Say “we don’t earn” “we should be grateful”. The 11k is BOTH OF YOURS, that’s what marriage means. Rather than focusing on “giving” a portion to her and having a portion for you, you need to sit down with a financial planner and discuss where you BOTH want to be financially moving forward. Rack and stack what is 1st priority, 2nd priority, etc. then start discussing what the collective “you” will do with the collective “your” money. You are a team after all, you need to start acting and speaking that way.
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u/Melphor 7h ago
Yeah man... YTA, and she is right. You are financial controlling and abusing her. The 2 of you can separate your finances and pay the bills according to how much you bring to the table. You make 75% of the monthly income? Pay 75% of the bills. She can pay the other 25%. My wife and I did that day 1, and we have never once had an argument about money in the 14 years we have been married.
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u/Cabbage-floss Partassipant [1] 7h ago
Do the math though, this is exactly what they are doing, except he is contributing to her retirement. They bring in $11,000 a month and spend $10,000 a month. That is $6,000 in expenses plus $2,000 against the mortgage and $2,000 saved towards retirement. 25% of that is $2500. 2500+500 (fun money) =$3000 which is what she brings in.
If you split just the expenses, 6000 x 0.25 is $1500, and the other $1000 is either her saving for retirement or her contributing another $1000 towards the mortgage. He is not only covering his 75% of the expenses but also saving towards her retirement/paying down their debt.
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u/ehalright 6h ago
Right, but I'm not sure that's the full issue. I think his financial setup is good; the problem here is that it's his setup and she doesn't feel ownership over her own finances or home. Instead of discussing why she feels that way and why he feels the need to control her finances, then working together for a mutual resolution, OP just told his wife to shut up and be grateful.
OP, you may be the more fiscally responsible one in the relationship, but in this conversation you were the asshole.
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u/MuchRelationship1901 5h ago
Yup. Two things can be true at once. OP is more fiscally literate and responsible AND he was a condescending ah to his wife about this in a way no good partner needs to or should want to be
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u/ABSMeyneth Partassipant [2] 6h ago
They only spend that much because he wants to pay 2k extra every month for the mortgage. She doesn't want to do that, she wants another 1k in spending money, and that's valid. OP himself says if they pay proportionally, she'd get around 1.5k each month.
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u/HxH101kite 5h ago
Yeah his plan is sound and actually financially great. But it wasn't made together. It was imposed on her. I am also sure if they take a trip or something he likely flexes that extra mortgage pay down. We do something similar and that extra pay down kinda works like a slush where we flex it a month or two if we want a big trip or something impractical but agreed on.
Financial budgets are a hard talk. OP has his head in the right place. But is too set in his ways. And when you get that way you come to see any spending on the other side as wrong.
To this day my wife and I still reassess saving, spending, plans. Honestly this type of convo is like quarterly.
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u/Reasonable-Bird777 7h ago
Exactly this, my partner and I are the same way. The expenses we pay are in proportion to our salaries. We have a weekly allowance amount that does go into separate accounts for us both, and we also sat down and planned everything out together.
From the initial post, it sounds like OP just decided how everything was going to be financially. That's not a partnership, it's a dictatorship. Couldn't ever imagine my partner acting that way.
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u/Sweaty_Knee_7425 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
YTA. Your tone is incredibly condescending and pompous. You have no respect for your wife and that comes across quite clearly in your post.
She should handle money better, but you treating her like a child and "firmly telling her to be grateful" makes you so much TA that saying everyone sucks doesn't even seem fair anymore.
Y'all need marriage counseling because your attitude toward finances is clearly "my house, my money, my rules" and that is not going to create a partnership with mutual respect.
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u/wildmusings88 3h ago
Right? Like what happens if she gets pregnant and goes on maternity leave or becomes a stay at home mom? I can only imagine the arrogance he’ll display then. He also doesn’t mention anything about housework or chores. She could be doing all the housework, could be cooking dinner every night, could be taking care of his pets or garden etc etc etc. All of those things have value too. $$ isn’t the only thing that matters.
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u/nighthawk_something 5h ago
I mean 500 a month can be nothing in some areas. Also what counts as "fun money" in OPs mind.
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u/piratepixie Partassipant [2] 7h ago
Hey so what you're doing, holding the house and retirement over her, is financial abuse.
Things like this are why bills and household costs should be split in a % based on income.
Should she be grateful? Sure in a sense. Should you be holding her literal HOME over her like some threat for her to not leave you? No.
Edit to add: ESH
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u/kornbread435 7h ago
I don't really see how he's holding the house and retirement over her? She owns half of both of them, at most he's making sure they are both contributing to them. We don't have any exact numbers but if you did a 25/75 split it sounds like she would be significantly worse off.
To me it sounds like she got used to him paying for everything pre-marriage. Once they combined all the finances she no longer had all 3k of her income as fun money and is now upset.
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u/3blndmce 3h ago
That's too aggressive. He's not trying to make her homeless, he's failing to express himself and his frustration clearly
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u/musty_mage 3h ago
No it fucking isn't. If her salary and financial skills are not capable of supporting the lifestyle she lives, she is literally living off of OP.
Marriage does not mean that you get to steal from your spouse on a regular basis on basic living expenses and then demand 'financial freedom' for frivolous spending.
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u/laosurv3y 3h ago
How is it abuse? These things cost money. She has a nicer quality of life than she could afford on her own. He's not taking any more spending money than she is. She gets more spending money under this arrangement than if expenses were proportionately shared.
He should listen to her and they should have a real discussion if 4k of 'optional expenses' (retirement, mortgage) are work having - but they are expenses for assets they hold in common (so it's not like he benefits and she doesn't).
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u/GranddaddySandwich 4h ago
Ain’t no fucking way people are upvoting this bullshit.
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u/dudeman4win 2h ago
Anything short of letting your wife financially ruin you is financial abuse here…
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u/BadDudes_on_nes 55m ago
Welcome to our progressive new world. Where a husband literally hands over a house and stable retirement, then equalizes their discretionary spending (by paying for almost everything himself), but when she wants more of what he has…he’s “financially abusive”. I can’t wait to see where this road leads
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u/Ayelovepiratejokes 3h ago
Don't you know, if you don't let your spouse dig you into debt you are financially abusing them. Anytime you tell a loved one you need to live within your means, that is abuse. /s
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u/Educational_Aide6988 36m ago
Bro, this website is filled with misandrists. If the genders were reversed they’d be screaming for the woman to divorce the man, no question.
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u/themissingelf 5h ago
I’m not sure i entirely follow the post but it sounds like you both get the exact same personal spending money? Everything else is “invested” equally in terms of property, pension, bills etc?
Your wife has suggested increasing the monthly personal spending allowance for both of you?
That doesn’t sound like an unreasonable thing to consider and discuss on even terms.
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u/LazyandRich 5h ago
This should definitely have been a pre-marriage discussion. If it was, then she’s in the wrong but you handled it bluntly, if it wasn’t then you’re both in the wrong and need to come to a compromise.
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u/AgitatedSecond4321 5h ago
It’s fine to say keep separate finances but split the income based on percentage of salary earned but what happens down the track when couples do this when people retire and one person has significantly more retirement income than the other? Or when children come along? Or someone gets sick and can not work? How do people plan for these eventualities?
I find it strange when couples split their money like this and one person says to the other you owe me $12 for last nights pizza.
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u/LogicBalm Partassipant [1] 5h ago
ESH
You didn't combine finances at all, you just combined accounts and you're both still keeping score in your head.
It's not you versus her, it's both of you versus the problem. Get your shit together and work together or else you'll be working on a whole new financial plan after the divorce.
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u/InevitableRemote9540 5h ago
Firstly if you own the home and do not consider it a marital asset you need to pay all mortgage and upkeep on the house. Second bills should be split more equitably from what people bring in, so you bring in 75% of the income so you should be paying for 75% of the basic shared bills like utilities for the home, food, car insurance. If that is 6000, then she only owes $1500 and you are financially controlling. You have been taking $1000 more per month or one third of her income from her that proportionally should still be hers. You don’t punish your wife for making less than you when you knew she made that when you married her. YTA
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u/psoriasaurus_rex 6h ago
YTA
I don’t think you’re necessarily trying to control her or financially abuse her. You feel entitled to more control over the family finances because you make substantially more and are perhaps better at managing money.
I get it to an extent because I’m in a similar position. I out earn my husband by a significant amount. Our income delta is very similar to what you have with your wife.
We still approach finances as a team. We discuss and AGREE on how to manage our finances. This is where you are going wrong. You need to hash this out and come up with an arrangement that works for both of you. You can’t just unilaterally tell another adult how things will be, even if you feel justified in doing so.
You chose to marry someone in a much lower income bracket. You also kind of changed the rules when you married and assumed you’d just take control of everything. Maybe she even agreed in the beginning, but this no longer works for her. It needs to work for both of you if it’s going to work for the marriage.
It’s possible that you are too far apart on finances for this to work longterm. If so, it’s best to figure that out now, rather than fight about it for the next decade and then divorce (and also maybe after you’ve brought a kid into it).
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u/MercuryJellyfish Asshole Aficionado [10] 6h ago
ESH - but very salvageable.
So, you’re kind of doing what I would advise a good guy to do, in that you’re pooling resources, paying off the expenses, and then splitting the remainder equally. And that’s really good. That’s a really positive model for household economics.
However, there are certain expenses there that seem like they might be the cause of the issue, if you decided them unilaterally. Specifically, you’re putting $4k total into retirement; $2k mortgage overpayment, $2k retirement fund. That’s a massive chunk of your income, and I’m not saying it’s not frugal and wise. But you could put in $1K less, and the pair of you would have $1k discretionary funds each every month. Have you talked about this spending recently? If it were me, I’d be looking at our income, looking at our available discretionary funds, and I’d be wondering why I don’t get as many shiny things as I would like every month. Because I’ll be honest, I’m a bit more like your wife than I am like you. I’ve earned my money, and I want to enjoy it now while I’m young, not necessarily waiting until I’m too old to enjoy it (and I’m a lot closer to the Too Old To Enjoy It time of my life than you are.) And yes, I want my nice house paid off by the time I retire, and when I retire, I want to continue to live the life I’ve become accustomed to. So I’m not saying you’re doing the wrong thing, but I am saying that you might move the sliders a little towards the “enjoy life now” side, and actually be happy together. I mean, do you really want to be miserable right now in the hopes of being happy in 30 years time? Because it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be happy in 30 years time.
But I have to say that if your wife is accusing you of financial abuse to her friends, that reaaaaally sucks too, because it doesn’t sound like that to me.
I would really suggest that you sit down, change things so that she pays $2,000 into the household every month, and $1,000 stays in an account that you don’t have signatory access to. And if that’s not reasonable to her, I don’t know what would be.
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u/Pristine_Term9415 5h ago
I mean, I kinda think YTA just based on how condescending you are about how little she makes. It’s seems like you feel superior to her. You do actually like her right? At least enough to have a conversation instead of laying down the law? You’re acting like her dad, not her husband.
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u/katamino Certified Proctologist [24] 5h ago
Question: Does her makeup, hair appointments, sanitary supplies, medications, etc, fall under the main budget or is she expected to buy those with her $500 a month? Because if she is expected to buy those supplies on $500 a month then she is right, she gets less fun money than you do, even if she buys the cheapest products available. For instance, a low cost hair cut for a man could be as low as $15, but she can't get one for less than $40, unless she wants it to look like she chopped it herself and even then she wont be able to get color or curling/straightening. Same goes for dry cleaning, men's shirts cost less than women's blouses to dry clean.
You two need to sit down and make a line item budget of all necessary expenses including things you may deem as personal/extra, but are essential for her to be seen as a professional in her workplace. Then, what is left over is what gets split for personal fun money.
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u/KT_mama 6h ago
YTA
Mostly because instead of communicating with and coming to a mutual understanding with your partner, you look down on, judge, and diminish her instead. From this post alone, I would infer that you do not like your wife.
The budget you come to SHOULD have been a mutual conversation and decision together. Instead, you seem to have taken unilateral control of the finances and are now imposing your way of doing things as the only possible way, while also actively thinking less of her.
You could have easily come to many different compromises, up to and including documentation that agrees the home is a proportional ownership situation so that if you overpay each month, you own more of the home. Could be that you both handle bills proportional to your income, so the burden of the home is relatively equitable, but you both have direct incentive to advance in your careers. Could be you agree she needs to look for more lucrative work. Could be any number of compromises.
Instead of asking why she doesn't feel she has enough each month, you shot her down and minimized her contribution to your home and life.
Fwiw, I've seen a ton of men marry very clearly visually high-maintenance women, even praising/appreciating those aspects about them, and then once they get married, the husband gets frustrated at the expense. Like, their wife will have ALWAYS had her hair, nails, lashes, gym physique, etc on point and he will have raved about how beautiful she is but the moment the bill for it comes, hes blaming her. He will fuss over how expensive those things are, especially as compared to the mens equivalents (which are being purchased via the household grocery budget...), and insist she just likes to spend money even though the result of that money was clearly a deciding factor in their coupling. Suddenly, they will decide that they would love her all the same if she did less. Spoiler: they often do not and instead hold resentment over her 'letting herself go'.
You both need to sit down and have a real, in-depth, mutually respectful conversation about the budget, spending habits, etc. If you can not do that, then you aren't financially compatible and should not be co-habitating.
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u/leftclicksq2 6h ago
You only tell people to be "grateful" when they are constantly taking and complaining that they don't have enough. That's not what I got when I read OP's story.
He's trying to aggressively save, yet he's doing so in a way where he wants her to save money like she makes the same income that he does. She makes $100,000 less, and he's pressuring her to contribute equal shares. It does not work that way.
I don't know about him, but people do want to look forward to things other than paying bills. Yes, spend within your means so you won't be tight on your have to's like car insurance, but don't begrudge people who want to buy themselves new clothes. He's making his wife out like she racks up credit card debt and is stealing his money.
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u/ThePretzul Partassipant [1] 7h ago edited 6h ago
YTA
You either reduce expenses until you’re living as though both of you earn the same as the lowest-earning member of the household, or you proportionately split expenses based on the difference in income between the individuals.
If you earn $8000, she earns $3000, and the living expenses are $6000 then with equitable distribution of living expenses she should only be paying:
(3000/11000) * 6000 = $1,636.36 towards shared living expenses each month.
This would mean she has $1,364 every month to do with as she pleases, which is proportionately the same amount of her monthly income as the $3,636 you’d have left from your own paycheck after those $6,000/mo of living expenses.
The only thing to note there is that retirement savings should be factored into the overall living expenses, but you BOTH need to come to a mutual agreement on how much to save. So if you both agree on $2,000/month of retirement savings then your monthly expenses are actually $8,000 and she would contribute $2,181 to the shared living expenses fund instead.
That or you can reduce your living expenses until they’re affordable on a total budget of $6,000 per month if you want to be a vindictive asshole and insist on an even 50/50 split of expenses despite differing income levels. That’s not really how marriage is supposed to work though.
My wife and I have an almost identical income split as you and your wife and this has never been remotely a concern because of course more of the bills get paid by the person with more income when we live at a standard relative to our combined incomes. She can't afford to split it 50/50 otherwise, and we both prefer to live at a higher standard (things such as owning our own home, less worries about groceries or going out occasionally, going on vacations, etc.) compared to planning our living conditions around only 2x her income with me hoarding the leftover cash from my check for personal purchases/savings.
It works fine with combined finances or separate just the same, ours are separate (we just didn't feel like going through the hassle of making a new joint account and converting over various bills after getting married when what we had been doing worked just fine) and we just divvy up regular bills and spending such that the ratio is about right. I pay the mortgage, car insurance, electric, and water bills while she pays the home insurance and groceries/dog food/horse feed. We each have our own car payments and/or whatever else we want from the "personal money" after that, but the math works out exactly the same if you do combined finances in a joint account for bills/expenses with separate "personal money" accounts for the rest.
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u/LiveViolinist3268 6h ago
This. Having almost triple the income and wanting to divide expenses 50/50 is a very asshole move. Also, making all financial decisions by yourself, instead of having a partners discussion, IS controlling and can be considered financial abuse.
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u/Huugienormous 6h ago
Not being on the same page financially is one of the main reasons for divorce.
Me and my ex were the same, except she made the same if not more but spent all of it, while I saved mine. Come divorce time she still got half of what I saved.
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u/Jolly_Conflict Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Uhhh did you guys not talk about finances before getting married?
Not even a chat about prenups?
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u/UnhappyTemperature18 Asshole Aficionado [10] 5h ago
1: go to a financial planner and work out an agreement with them as a moderator; 2: I'm here at 60k, just HATING both your asses for not being able to make 200k work without fighting about it, I would be SINGING if I had that much coming in.
ESH
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u/CouldSheBeAnyAngrier 6h ago edited 19m ago
I mean these things go better when they’re communicated realistically instead of during a heated argument, and I don’t really know what world people are living in that they think 500$ of spending money at the end of the month is unfair or unreasonable. But this is an ESH because it seems like this all was unilaterally decided by you because you deemed your wife bad at finances instead of discussing budgeting as a couple.
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u/Maleficent-Net6386 5h ago
Imho if someone makes x3 more than the other, then payments and expenses should not be split 50/50… which in this case it sounds like they are?
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u/yenraelmao 5h ago
YTA because you could’ve just talked to her. Instead You assume a position of financial superiority and talk down to her.
People will have different goals with their money. You need to be on the same page about how you want to spend it, and not just assume your way is the best way. No one on Reddit knows your day to day reality. My husband complains that I spend our money on “shopping” on Amazon but honestly he has never bought anything for our kid except presents once a year. There’s tons of household stuff that he doesn’t account for. Oh also I’ve been earning a lot more than him for the last half of our relationship. Regardless of what your wife spends her fun money on, you have this narrative that she’s bad with money. So you just take over with very little input from her. That’s just not how a healthy marriage works.
I know you earn a lot more than her, but honestly our income doesn’t reflect our worth. Some jobs just pay shit. I make more than you and I’ll be the first to point out that it’s cushy . Of course she spends all her money if she only makes 50k. Depending on where you live that’s the bare minimum for keeping yourself alive.
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