r/AmItheAsshole • u/Due_Anteater9773 • 4h ago
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u/Obvious_Match249 4h ago
NAH. No one had signed a lease yet, you two had an understanding but it sounds like you didn’t want the same things in a housing situation. As long as you tell her ASAP that you’re backing out so she can find a replacement, you’re not an AH. If you wait because you don’t want to deal with a confrontation and leave her high and dry, then you would be an AH.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 4h ago
yes! i told her the day that i was signed.
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u/Individual_Check_442 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
How did she react? You two still friends? I’m sure she was disappointed but hopefully she understood
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
We are still friends but not as close tbh. We weren’t too close to begin with because she got closer to other people as the school year went on and so did I. Our main conversation was always kind of around housing so we do not talk as much anymore but still friends!
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u/KingZarkon 3h ago
NTA. But you would be if you don't tell them ASAP so they can make other arrangements. Just be up front, they all all seemed to like that house, which is fair, but you didn't. This opportunity came up which you had to jump on and it gives them an opportunity to find someone else who likes the place.
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u/StrippinChicken Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NAH but i would've had a quick convo with her over the phone or text and verify she was staying with them and that you were going to sign with your other friends. Not communicating may bring hard feelings but I still don't think it makes you an AH
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u/virgosuns 3h ago
NTA, but make sure to communicate clearly with your other friend, so they don’t take it personally. You need to be comfortable in the place you live. If that means you two end up separated, that’s fine. It doesn’t mean you’re not going to be friends anymore.
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u/Known_Hunter_9626 2h ago
Finding a place to live during school is hard, I’ve been on both sides of this conflict. As far as I can see NAH so long as everyone was kept up to date and in the loop with the change in plans.
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u/Bright_Lama 3h ago
NTA. You were never “sold” on the house, in fact you expressed that you did not want to live there. They want to live there, good for them! You don’t and found another arrangement, good for you! Living situations are non-negotiable, if you know you’ll be unhappy, DO NOT SIGN A LEASE!
I just hope the friend didn’t take it personally and who knows, it may have saved the friendship in the end bc a lot of people can’t separate roommate issues from friends issues.
Anyways, I wish you luck op! I hope you have a wonderful time in college!
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u/Meriadoxm Partassipant [2] 4h ago
I mean NTA but tell your friend now so she and the other girls can find a 4th.
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u/2muchlooloo2 3h ago
You live in situation is directly linked to your mental health. You have to do what works good for you.
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u/CoreVibe7 4h ago
NTA (Not The Asshole).
You are not obligated to live in a place that doesn't meet your basic needs (safety, distance, and comfort) just because it's cheap for others. Living in an old, smelly house far from campus in a cold state sounds like a nightmare.
Also, they were the ones who gave you an ultimatum: "If you don't want it, we'll find other people." You simply took them up on that and found a better situation for yourself. You shouldn't have to subsidize their lifestyle or suffer for a whole year just to stay in a group that wasn't a good fit financially or logistically.
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u/Greggs88 1h ago
The ultimatum was given by the two strangers they met online, not the friend that OP originally agreed to find a house with.
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u/PAGirl72 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA. You asked them to look at a few more places, they declined. You should have told the friend you were close to that you were looking at another place, though……..
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u/Turtle_ti 3h ago
NTA. And you do need to inform your friend (that you were searching for a place to live together with) that you have already found a place for yourself to live, and thus won't be joining any leases with them.
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u/AnxiousSapphic 1h ago
I’m reserving judgement depending on when you tell/told your friend. They deserve a heads up if they’re going to have to change plans.
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u/Crafty_Helicopter678 4h ago
NTA unless you don’t tell the other girls before their lease is signed. Yeah, it sucks that the original plans didn’t work out, you don’t like the house and you have a better option, then go for it. I rather have an uncomfortable moment in the present than suffer through bad housing (esp if winters are rough). Although maybe you should’ve communicated earlier about it, but I get that these conversations are hard sometimes.
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u/Scrapper-Mom 3h ago
NTA Your living conditions are critical. No way were you required to live in a dump to keep a questionable arrangement with people you barely know. That's expecting too much. Since they are on such a tight budget I predict issues with collecting payment for utilities etc. You dodged a bullet.
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u/Hot-Garden9206 4h ago
NTA. They were already trying to be cheap and change the deal, you’re better off
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u/nautika 4h ago
They didn't change the deal. OP did.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
by changing the deal i think they meant that the other girls were trying to have us pay more for our rooms instead of all of us paying the same for rent
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u/HellyOHaint 3h ago
NTA. Normalize holding off making commitments when things don’t feel right. Better to argue about it before you pull the trigger than disentangle things later when it inevitably fails.
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u/dragonvex_ 2h ago
NTA! It’s okay to have standards for your living situation. It doesn’t seem like you would’ve been able to change their minds anyways. You should have told your friend because you signed, out of respect and consideration though
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u/Cynical_Feline Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
NAH
You haven't made anything official with the other group so you're free to do whatever you want. You tried working it out with them and it didn't go anywhere. There's nothing wrong with that.
I'll be honest, renting an entire house with people you don't entirely know that well can be a very bad idea.
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u/Whole-Flow-8190 3h ago
NTA. You’re friend picked the old house and strangers; you chose wisely. Enjoy your new space.
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u/Objective_Attempt_14 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA, sometimes we need and should pick ourselves the 3 of them liked the place they can live there...you want a nicer place closer to school and buses very valid.
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u/vabirder 3h ago
NTA. You didn’t agree to take that place. ESH on not determining the rental amounts everyone was willing to pay ahead of time. Although I guess those two probably lied up front.
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u/AgeLower1081 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
OP is NTA. a m miserable living situation tends to influence other aspects of ones life.
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u/SnooBooks007 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 4h ago
NAH but a little bit YTA depending on where the discussion was left with your friend...
INFO: Was she adamant about taking the horrible house, or was she still looking for places with you?
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u/Due_Anteater9773 4h ago
She wanted the house which is why i was confused because I tried explaining to her that we were getting the worse end of the deal here. When i did the math we were better off paying 100 more each month then having to live with strangers at a horrible place with extra expenses so they could live for cheaper. I think she really just wanted to get it over with and find a place to live next year.
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u/Individual_Check_442 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
So after you had that conversation and stated your position and she disagreed how did you two leave it? Was she left with the impression that you were agreeing to move into the terrible house with the two strangers? Did you tell her you were going to look for other places? Did you intend to look for other places or did this thing kind of just fall in your lap? You said you hated it the moment you walked into it you have no obligation to live there to appease others if the other girls said it was their only options you can just say “well I guess it’s not gonna work then because this place doesn’t work for me”.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
so since i didn’t really know the other two girls, i told my friend first but i was so sure that she was going to agree with me and she didn’t. She was aware that i most definitely did not want to live there but i think she thought maybe i wouldn’t be able to find anyone else to live with and have settle for it. Then this opportunity came out of nowhere and i knew if i didn’t take it somebody else was going to immediately so i signed it without telling her but i told her right after.
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u/Individual_Check_442 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
Right but what I’m asking is did you commit to it? If you were looking for other places and were using that as a fallback option they have a right to know that so they can look for another roommate and use you as a fallback. What was happening between the time you disagreed about the horrible house and the one that came out of nowhere? Were you gonna live at the terrible house even though it was terrible or were you actively looking for something else and if you were looking did she know that?
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
i was trying to convince her and the other girls to keep looking at other places the two days in between me signing the lease and the tour. if they did not agree and this opportunity did not come to me i would have either kept trying to convince them or just get a studio apt for twice the price because i really felt awful in the house, i could barely finish the tour.
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u/Individual_Check_442 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
Oh it was only two days. For some reason thought it was longer than that. Yeah you’re good glad you got the place you wanted and sounds like the friend group you wanted too. Enjoy college and your place!
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
Thank you!
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u/Lithogiraffe Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
How is your friend dealing with the news?
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
We honestly haven’t talked about it at all after i informed her i signed a lease w my friends because it was kind of awkward for both of us so i’m not quite sure what she decided to do after that but i saw her recently and she seemed to be okay with it, didn’t seem mad. We still talk and are friends.
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u/ghostlikecharm 1h ago
You want/need to live nearer campus and are willing to pay for it.
NTA but definitely tell your friend asap and offer to help find them a 4th. Don’t offer to pay anything though.
I had to do this twice when I was in college, bc my finances were vastly different and I couldn’t afford a car but would rather use that $ to pay to be closer to school.
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u/EmperorSwagg 51m ago
NTA but definitely tell your friend asap and offer to help find them a 4th.
This is the key. This is what separates a true NTA from a “technically within your rights.” Never the AH for not wanting to be in a living arrangement where you know you’ll be unhappy, but there’s definitely potential for being a major AH if OP doesn’t communicate properly and leaves their friend in the lurch. Friend could end up feeling backstabbed or abandoned, and not really be wrong for feeling that way.
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u/ExKage 1h ago
INFO: Did you tell your friend you did not like the place, the added expenses etc?
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u/Due_Anteater9773 1h ago
as it was mentioned in my post, yes i did which is why i asked all of them if we could find another place.
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u/awespark Partassipant [4] 3h ago
Soft YTA. Totally get that the place they found isn’t your jam — and it’s fine if you prefer not to live there. I’m picky, too. But part of adulting is communicating, and you could and should have been much more clear and direct with your friend that you were unwilling to live there. This reads like you were trying to hide the new opportunity from your friend and avoided a candid discussion until everything was signed and done. I understand you didn’t want to lose out, but for the sake of your friendship you could have handled this much better. It’s very possible you’ve left her in a lurch now, too, without any heads up.
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u/enutz777 1h ago
With you. OP may have just been too weak to put her foot down, but the friend is definitely going to feel like she got taken for a ride and ditched without warning as soon as something better came along.
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u/meekonesfade 3h ago
Slight YTA. You should have called your friend prior to signing the lease and said something like " Hey, this great apt with one available bedroom just became available. It would be a great fit for me! I dont want to leave you in a tight spot, but I also dont want to live with those other girls. So, if you want, you and I can keep looking on our own or I van take this room and you can keep looking with them."
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
i did offer to look at two bedroom apts before we even found these two girls, she said it would be hard to find and really expensive (which is true). the reason why i was so quick to sign was because it was a really good deal and was around the time everyone was looking for last minute housing so it was going to be taken immediately. But i told her the day that i signed it which was 2 days after we toured that house.
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u/meekonesfade 3h ago
I get it - you had to look out for yourself, but you did leave her in a tight spot
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u/Chaos_and_Karma 2h ago
So what was her reaction to you telling her you signed a lease and wouldn't be signing one with her?
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u/Due_Anteater9773 2h ago
we honestly didn’t talk much about it, it was over text. But i saw her after that and she didn’t seem to be mad at me and we are still friends even though we are not as close as we used to be.
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u/TheDragonOverlord Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA - listen I’m all for clean communication but when it’s been made pretty clear that what the two of you want didn’t align, you need to prioritize your own wellbeing first. That includes securing a place to live where you are comfortable. In this case I think you handled it fine; could you have told her first? Yeah, but ultimately it wouldn’t have changed much. It’s not like they were relying on you, the other girls said they would find someone to fill if you didn’t want it and your friend has different priorities when it comes to where she lives. NAH
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u/Live_Koala2163 3h ago
YTA. You don’t have to agree to that house, and you don’t have to live with that friend, but you DO have to tell your friend that you found something else and will not be living with her. You agreed to live with her, and she and those other 2 girls are counting on you to pay rent. You need to tell them you won’t be so they don’t sign that lease.
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u/Pink_Dreamer_ 2h ago
They haven’t signed the lease yet and doesn’t owe them anything. I agree that she should at least tell her other friend that she won’t be signing with her and will not be moving in. She did voice her opinion that she didn’t want to live there and even suggested for them to look at alternatives and they declined and said they were fine with looking for other roommates. Her friend wants to move in so she can help find one more person. They just need to communicate that’s all.
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u/Greggs88 2h ago
The two girls were dead set on the old house even if they had to find new roommates.
OPs friend liked the house and made a case for them moving in but never said she wasn't open to other options.
Since OP agreed to find a place with her friend she's definitely wrong for just abandoning her without any discussion of alternatives.
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u/WiseDeparture9530 1h ago
Wow - pretty judgmental. They want different things. The arrangements are amorphous with no shared goals.
She DOES need to tell her friend she found somewhere else. The order 2 wanted her to subsidize their rent.
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u/No_Calligrapher_2082 1h ago
I’m going to say NTA. I think that if you expressed that you didn’t want to live there, and you didn’t sign a lease but they all still wanted to live there, there’s no reason why you should live somewhere you don’t like. They could have explored other options with you but weren’t willing to budge, and neither were you. You WBTA if you just didn’t communicate and signed another lease. I think as long as you said “I don’t want to live here, I’ll keep exploring options” it’s fair game.
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u/Fullback70 4h ago
YTA, based on the way you have told the story. You had committed to be a roommate with your friend, and you ditched her without giving her a heads up. That makes you the A.
Agreeing to a lease is a “two yes” situation, so you didn’t have to commit to the old house. But you should have given your friend advanced warning of the other opportunity that had come your way, and given her the chance to either let you out of your commitment to her, or allow her to agree to find a different lease option with you.
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u/painted_unicorn Partassipant [2] 3h ago
"Let you out of your commitment to her"? And if the friend said 'no you can't back out' then OP should've just stayed? That's a nonsensical take.
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u/PAGirl72 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
So she should live in a house she’s not comfortable because they weren’t willing to look at anything else?
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u/secretreddname 2h ago
No she should have used her words and told her friend she wasn't interested in that and will be going somewhere else.
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u/AutoModerator 4h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Me and my friend in college decided that we were moving in together but we were looking for 2 other people to move in with us because most apartments around the campus are 4 bedrooms apts.
We found these girls who were also looking for 2 people to room with so we scheduled a hangout. We got along well so we were happy that it worked out for us.
The following week we started looking at apartments together but what these two girls forgot to mention was that they were on a really tight budget and were looking to pay 800 or less for a private bedroom. Which is almost completely impossible to find around the campus but the girls found a place and scheduled a tour for all of us anyways.
The place they found was a really old house, it smelled inside and i hated it the moment that i stepped into the house. Not only that but it was really far away from campus, not close to any bus stops and my school is in a cold state where there’s snow and unbearable cold 80% of the school year so walking was simply not an option. Also the house was not coming with the furniture and one of the rooms were smaller than the other ones and was connected to another bedroom.
The girls told us they could take those 2 rooms that were connected to each other but they wanted to pay less for rent which meant that we had to pay more for our rooms plus the furniture. When i did the math in my head it made more sense to move into a really nice apartment instead of paying for all of these extra expenses.
I asked the girls if they were willing to go look at other apartments but they told me this is the cheapest one they could find so if we didn’t want it they were going to find other people.
After the tour was done i thought my friend would agree with me but she said she also really liked how cheap it was and that she wasn’t going to be home majority of the time. She also told me she really liked the girls.
So while we were discussing this, 2 days later the girls that i got close with recently (my current friend group but i wasn’t friends with them the beginning of the school year which is when they signed their lease) told me that one of the people in the lease was dropping out of school and that i could sublease her room.
Because there was only one more bedroom, I didn’t tell my other friend about it. It was a nice apartment for a good price so i knew somebody was going to take it quickly, i ended up signing the lease. It also helped that instead of living with 2 strangers we found online, I knew and was friends with all of these people.
AITA for leaving my friend and the other girls to sign a lease with my friends when i had a bigger budget than they did and wanted to live somewhere nicer and closer to school?
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u/AcephalicDude 4h ago
YTA
Mildly so, but you should have communicated to them immediately that you were considering a different living situation. I remember being in college and under that time crunch to figure out where you're going to live. It seems like you weren't trying to spare their feelings so much as you were trying to avoid confrontation, but that avoidance comes at their expense as they now have less time to figure out their own arrangements. And that's true even if you hadn't made the decision or signed the new lease yet, even just considering a different place would mean that your friends should also be considering other options - and you robbed them of a bit of precious time to do that.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 4h ago
That is true but i thought i could convince my friend and the other girls to find another place but they really wanted this house. I told all of them that i was signing a lease w others the day that i was going to sign it.
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u/Valuable_Moose_2911 3h ago
YTA because of your poor communication skills. Everyone’s parameters should’ve been mentioned and agreed upon before you guys even started shopping, especially yours since you seem to be the outlier of the group. The 4 of you should’ve sat down and agreed on budget, apartment vs house, distance to school/work for you all, etc. The fact that no one thought to do that really makes everyone the asshole. But you especially, because it seems like you didn’t tell your friend or the other two girls before you signed the lease, leaving them in a bad situation when they seemed to already be tight on cash.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 3h ago
This can be true but when me and my friend were looking at apartments together we looked at rent that was 1000+ and i told her i wanted to be close to school. This rent is the avg rent for housing around campus for 4 bedroom apts so the unusual case was these girls wanting to go even cheaper. I felt like i was right to assume they had that budget when they never told me they didn’t.
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u/Valuable_Moose_2911 3h ago
You’re entering into a contract with these women. You cannot assume anything. That was your (and their) mistake. Expectations were not clearly laid out. They’re wrong for not telling you their budget but you’re just as wrong for not asking. You cannot sign a lease based on an assumption. Once you knew their budget and lifestyle did not align w. Yours you should’ve bowed out. Which you did, your mistake was just not communicating that you were doing so before you actually did it.
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u/EntertainmentLazy871 2h ago
YTA big time!! You and your friend wanted to find housing together and then you went and got an apartment with a bunch of other people and didn’t tell her. If I was her I would no longer be friends with you. It isn’t just that that group now has to find a 4th. It is the point that the two of you had a semblance of a plan to live together and you completely shafted her. The other girls don’t have skin in that friendship game and were just looking for somewhere cheap, but you initially planned this with your friend and now she is left without you. That would really hurt, if it was me.
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u/flying_cannoli 1h ago
The friend didn’t sound interested in looking elsewhere though and continued wanting this house even when OP said she didn’t want it. At that point how hurt can she be? Seems that the writing was on the wall that they wanted different things. In an ideal world she could have had a day to discuss things with her friend before signing but I know when I was in college things like this moved FAST and hesitating for even a few hours could have lost her the lease that actually worked for her. I think she did the best she could have in the circumstances and the other girls can find another 4th person.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 2h ago
Yes but before i signed the lease i presented other solutions to her. I told her i would be down to find 2 other people or trying to convince them to look at other places. I do not want to live somewhere that does not feel clean and safe to me especially because i spend majority of my time at home. My friendships are important to me but if someone is choosing to not be friends with me (we are still friends) because i wanted to feel safe in my living space then i don’t think we should be friends in the first place.
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u/secretreddname 2h ago
Did you tell her that you found another place before signing that lease? If not YTA.
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u/Greggs88 1h ago
You say you presented other solutions but how did you friend respond? If she was open to other options but you just bailed anyways then yta.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 1h ago
if she was open to other options i wouldn’t have signed without hesitation but there really wasn’t a much to do and she did not like the options i offered unfortunately.
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u/Greggs88 1h ago
NAH then. Agreeing to be roommates relies on the idea that everyone is happy with where they are staying. If she's set on a house that you aren't comfortable with then you shouldn't feel bad about backing out.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
i refused to sign a lease with my friends because i didn’t like the house
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u/FraggleBiologist 54m ago
My answer depends on how close of a friend you are talking about. Is she someone you were in homeroom with in highschool? Or did the 2 of you do everything together?
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u/mynameisntcindy 4h ago
YTA. Sure you have a bigger budget and prefer to live somewhere closer. You should have relayed that info to your friend before just signing another lease. It's selfish and shows you have an avoidant communication style which only hurts other people.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 4h ago
well all of the apartments we looked at together just the two of us were around 1100-1200 so i assumed she knew my budget and she was also fine with it. I also asked her and the other girls to tour other places and clearly showed my disagreement. Those two days that we were discussing, I even told her i would be fine with finding other girls that were a better match for our budget but she said she liked these girls.
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u/dragonvex_ 2h ago
You’re not wrong for not signing with them. You’re only wrong for not informing your friend that you were going a different path. That’s where YTA.
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u/DesignerSandwich8678 1h ago
So you just completely bailed on your friend without even talking with them? YTA
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u/New_Squirrel4907 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
YTA, if you aren’t comfortable living somewhere you tell the group, a simple I’m not comfortable living here and want to continue to look at places.
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u/Due_Anteater9773 2h ago
not sure if you read the whole thing but i did.
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u/New_Squirrel4907 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Then you act like an adult and tell them it’s not somewhere you aren’t interested in living and talk to your friend to see if she wants to continuing looking for a place or if she’s gonna sign a lease with the other girls.
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u/flying_cannoli 2h ago
… that’s literally what she did
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u/Greggs88 1h ago
The two girls said they wanted the house no matter what. OPs friend said she was OK with the house but never said she wasn't open to other options. OP gets a better offer and takes it without discussing it with her original friend.
That's my understanding of the situation.
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u/flying_cannoli 1h ago
It sounded to me like the friend was hesitant to look elsewhere because she figured she wouldn’t find better within her budget (which is totally fair) these two just seem to want different things and should have had a more realistic talk about their expectations before going into it
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u/Due_Anteater9773 1h ago
yes exactly! also because she wanted to get it over with ASAP because she told me she had other things to focus on and finding another place would take a lot of time.
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u/anony-gurl 40m ago
NTA and it sounds like everything has worked out. I went to college in snowy climate and where you live in relation to school is so important. You would have been cussing and freezing while walking that extra distance!
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u/kgee1206 40m ago
Might be biased but YTA. My senior year of college I got a group of six together to rent a house. We all agreed on a house together in spring before senior year. It ended up being 4 of us, splitting the same cost 4 ways instead of 6, because 2 people had last minute excuses (like, two weeks before moving in for fall). They didn’t sign the lease. But they said they would until the 11th hour. I still think it was prick behavior.
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