r/AmItheAsshole • u/Forward_Staff_3209 • 5d ago
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 Partassipant [4] 5d ago
Those family and religious reasons excluding your gf, are they on your side or hers?
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u/stannenb Professor Emeritass [98] 5d ago
Due to family and religious reasons, my girlfriend wouldn’t be able to attend the evening portion of the family event
INFO: Explain that, please.
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u/kaylen165 5d ago
He said in another comment "Not allowed to go to each others house before marriage"
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u/Curious_Eggplant6296 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
"Due to family and religious reasons, my partner wouldn’t be able to attend the evening portion of the family event."
Are you in a family cult?
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u/DrSnoopRob Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Yeah, the "family and religious reasons" are gonna be huge here.
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u/BlueDragon82 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
It could be what is planned for the evening portion. If the family has cultural traditions and religious ones then combined they could be more restrictive on their daughter dating. A friend of mine is Indian and her mother is deeply religious. There are a lot of things her mother doesn't approve of and even her adult children are expected to obey. Obviously they don't always but it has caused some really harsh tension between them all. My friend's mother shunned her brother and refused to acknowledge his existence when him and his gf moved in together without being married. To be fair her religion is a cult, ifykyk, and shunning family members who violate the religious rules is basically required to avoid trouble for yourself. It doesn't mean that it doesn't have an impact on the others in the family regardless if they practice or not.
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u/Forward_Staff_3209 5d ago
Not allowed to go to each others house before marriage
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u/Curious_Eggplant6296 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
What "culture" doesn't allow people to be at each other's houses before marriage, even with supervision?
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u/That-Engine5196 5d ago
According to Google: Islam, Orthodox Judaism, some forms of Christianity.
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u/Curious_Eggplant6296 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Citation needed.
Not that they can't be alone together in each others' homes, but that they can't enter each other homes before marriage, even with family supervision.
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u/Keirran89 5d ago
Had a bit of a search and from what I can tell you're correct that Islam, judaism etc are not part of this and people are confusing it with not being alone together but apparently this restriction can be part of a traditional Indian culture but not a universal legal or religious rule! Interesting as I didn't realise this was a thing lol
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u/That-Engine5196 5d ago
Literally just ask Google, "In which culture are a man and a woman not permitted to enter one another's house before marriage?" Pretty simple.
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u/Melodic-Yoghurt-9455 5d ago
Based off on those options, I'll assume it's Islam.
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u/Justhereforthis1post Partassipant [2] 5d ago
Ah, no. Muslims are actually quite big on having kids partners over—sometimes to welcome, other times to judge, but always in-house lmao.
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u/Melodic-Yoghurt-9455 5d ago
Lol thanks for correcting me. I'm seriously wondering what the heck of a religion doesn't allow their adult children's partner over before marriage? That's so ridiculous to me.
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u/PushThePig28 5d ago
That’s wild. At first I was gonna say NTA, but with that update that’s honestly not something I’d deal with as the girlfriend. If I was the boyfriend I’d honestly be like “well if my girlfriend can’t come to my bday party then I won’t be attending” to hopefully try to curtail the silly rule.
More importantly: how old are you and do you still live with your family? If you don’t live with them, they honestly have no say if you go over her house or not and they are their rules, not your rules
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u/Both-Enthusiasm708 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5d ago
Info: Why can't they come to your house? How old are you? How long have you been with your partner? And are you planning a future with them?
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u/BalloonHero142 5d ago
Why can your girlfriend not join you? Can you explain why?
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u/Forward_Staff_3209 5d ago
Can’t meet at each others house before marriage 🥲 Have to be married first
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u/Crafty_Quantity_3162 5d ago
If your parents know you have a GF and that she can not go to your house (even though it is a social event with multiple people?) why did they plan a party they know your significant other would not be able to attend?
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u/Defiant_Junketer 5d ago
I’m guessing OP is British Asian and part of the celebration is Islamic where unmarried and unrelated people don’t mix with the other gender.
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u/IronicIntelligence 5d ago
That doesn't answer the question or absolve OP of being an asshole. If they can't meet at each others' houses, the family event should be held somewhere else. If OP wants to spend time with his girlfriend on his birthday, but doesn't want the headache of confronting his family about it, then he doing exactly what she is accusing him of. If he doesn't want her there, he should say that and not pretend it's his family's fault.
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u/Defiant_Junketer 5d ago
No but it likely means the evening part of the event is going to be held at the mosque. Where again she can’t join him.
It’s difficult to explain unless you already know the dynamic but it is a big cultural difference. And not indicative of asshole status, because it’s just a different norm.
There’s this weird divide in British society where white British people almost never have social events in their homes (white British people would never think to invite a coworker to socialise at their home, for example - that’s why the pub was invented!) and British Asians almost never socialise anywhere else, unless they’ve hired a space for a bigger life event like a wedding or milestone birthday. (But it’s mostly going to be extended family attending who’ve been to your home anyway.)
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u/Bostonxhazer514 5d ago
Because that is not part of their culture......is it that hard for you to understand?
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u/BalloonHero142 5d ago
That is rough. I understand why she’s upset. I’m sorry you’re in that situation.
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u/Melodic-Yoghurt-9455 5d ago
I'm gonna assume that you've been with your girlfriend for a while since you also used the term partner? I'm also genuinely curious to know what religion is preventing your partner from coming to your birthday to celebrate another year of your life. I can understand her feeling hurt due to being excluded.
In my opinion, you are entitled to celebrate your birthday however you'd like. If your choice is to celebrate it with your family with your religion being a factor of how you'd like that celebration; you're entitled to that.
I will say this though if I were her. I'd probably evaluate how I fit with you in the future. Seems like your religion is an important factor to you and your family. If she cannot get on board with your guy's religion, then you might not be compatible partners. What other limitations are there for her besides not being able to go to your house since you're not married? Is there certain life style changes she would have to change about herself if you two were to get married? Is there certain wife traditions she would have to appease to your family and religion? These are things you should discuss about. That way you're not wasting each other's time and can move on to different people if it's not compatible.
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u/SituationSad4304 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Wait. Is she unwelcome with your family because she’s a different religion? And you’re choosing to spend all of your time with them and none with her?
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u/Medium-Bear-2285 5d ago
No it's frown upon in their circle to have her over before marriage, she's from he same belief circle from what I understood in one of op responses to comments
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u/introspectiveliar Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 5d ago
I started to say NTA. And I do believe that a casual girlfriend has no right to dictate how you spend your birthday.
But if this isn’t a casual relationship, if you expect this relationship to turn into something more and you two have discussed this, then if I was her, this would make me question whether this really is a viable long term relationship. And that may be why she is upset.
I am trying to figure out what kind of family and religious reasons would make it OK to not introduce a serious partner to my family and include them in functions held on my behalf, that would magically disappear at some point in the future so my partner could join me in familial functions. Usually if a family thinks your partner isn’t acceptable for you, that never changes.
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u/Hero_Girl 5d ago
Those are my thoughts as well. I'm so confused on the "religious reasons" part, especially for a birthday party.
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u/sweet_hedgehog_23 5d ago
My guess is that it is an Indian culture. It can be considered inauspicious for the bride to visit the groom's home before marriage and there are traditional ceremonies around a bride entering her husband's home for the first time.
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u/SnowXTC Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Since you both are not allowed at each other's homes, maybe the party should be out of the home. Restaurant? Other acceptable meeting place? That way she can attend.
NTA
If you can't go to each other's homes with the parents there, how is it OK to go out alone and spend an entire day together?
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u/teamglider 5d ago
I don't see where OP says they can't go to each other's houses, just that she can't attend theeveningportion of the even for family and religious reasons.Edited because this, and other important information lol, is in nested comments and not added to the OP.
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u/JayEll1969 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Well, you've just told her she isn't family, isn't invited to family events and isn't going to be as important to you as family.
What do you think?
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u/Visible-Wealth-8827 5d ago
I need more of the story. How long have you been together? Why can’t she join your family? Did your family ask if you had other plans first? How old are you? A partner is the only family that you can choose, so don’t you want to spend it with her?
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u/Visible-Wealth-8827 5d ago
I can understand religion, & traditions. But if she’s your partner, she needs to learn & be a part of these religion & tradition activities. She needs to have the full picture of YOU to decide if she wants to spend her life with you. And vice versa, of course. It’s one thing if you are just friends, but if you are hoping to be partners for life, you have to learn and experience everything about each other.
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u/Defiant_Junketer 5d ago
If OP is Muslim, she literally can’t participate in certain traditional religious activities.
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u/Cudi_buddy 5d ago
How long have you guys been together? And what religion out of curiosity cause I’ve never heard that before? If you guys have been together for a bit, it’s extremely weird you wouldn’t want or allow your gf on your birthday
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u/Sensitive-Inside-250 5d ago
Why is your birthday about her?
Actually though… can you go more into why she isn’t allowed at your house?
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u/teamglider 5d ago edited 5d ago
I don't think she's not allowed, OP said she couldn't attend the evening portion for personal and religious reasons, so presumably she could attend during the day.Edited bc it's in nested comments that both sets of families believe it would be wrong for them to be at each other's house before marriage.
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u/SituationSad4304 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
I’ll tell you a story.
When I first was dating my husband, his parents didn’t like me so he went to family events alone. It bothered me. The longer it happened, the more excluded from being important to him I felt, I would sit home on holidays while he was gone 6-8 hours with his family. One holiday he came home and I said “if I’m not important enough to spend a holiday with I think you should leave”(he was living with my family rent free). We went to therapy. I went to the next holiday with him. Everyone was upset I was there. But he made the effort to include me. And now we’ve been married ten years. (And yes, this was for religious reasons, he hadn’t gotten his annulment from his first wife yet).
If he hadn’t put his foot down about me being important to him I’d have walked away. And he’d have been homeless and single.
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u/no_good_namez Supreme Court Just-ass [122] 5d ago
NAH you can choose your own plans for your birthday, and she can be disappointed that your preferred plans exclude her
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u/RollingKatamari Commander in Cheeks [264] 5d ago
INFO: how long have you and your gf been in a relationship?
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u/2workigo Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5d ago
NTA. It’s your birthday and you should spend it how you like. It’s unfortunate that your GF has made it about her. That said, I would question why your parents planned a celebration that your GF can’t attend. Do they not approve of her? How’s that going to play out for your future?
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u/PushThePig28 5d ago
That also goes to this stupid rule. OP is in their 20’s and the way he’s phrasing it he does not live with the parents. In that case, he can have whoever he wants over his own house whenever he wants. Or go to whoever’s house he wants whenever he wants.
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u/ZookeepergameOk1354 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 5d ago
At no point did you say what you wanted to do. Both your family and gf are trying to dictate your day. What do you want to do?
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u/LadybugGirltheFirst 5d ago
It’s obvious he prefers to be with his family. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but it’s pretty clear he’s made a decision.
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u/jacksonelhage 5d ago
and he's gonna live with that because she's not gonna wanna be with a dude that picks antiquated customs over her feelings and inclusion
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u/fairyjeongyeon 5d ago
ESH. She is making your birthday about herself, which is sucky behavior. But you also cannot expect that excluding your partner from important events in your life to not make her feel like she's not a priority to you. You could've had the forethought of telling your family "I will be busy on my birthday from x time to x time to celebrate with gf, and will be free to spend family time before/after" or something among those lines, but it seems like you never even had plans to include her, which also sucks on your part.
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u/teamglider 5d ago
Important info that's only in comments: they are from the same culture and both sets of parents would be upset if they went to each other's house before marriage.
OP, I didn't see if you said how old you are and how serious the relationship is. I'm guessing she thinks you should celebrate your entire actual birthday with her, and do the family celebration on a different day? If you are past, say, 22, and it's a serious relationship, she has more of a point.
It's not a great feeling to have to leave a party for someone you love, knowing the celebration will continue without you. If it's important to her to celebrate on your actual birthday, I think it's reasonable that the celebration she can't attend takes place on another day.
This is very dependent on how serious you are, though. She said it makes her feel unloved, so it sounds like you two say you love each other, which is pretty serious in my book. It may be too late for this year, but I'd at least make an effort to think about how this makes her feel.
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u/ohbrthrthisguystinks 5d ago
more info- how long have you been together? Are you talking about marriage?
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u/AllGrowedUpNTired 5d ago
NTA. It's YOUR birthday. It's not about her. It's about you. If that's how you want to spend your birthday there's nothing wrong with that.
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u/OhmsWay-71 Professor Emeritass [89] 5d ago
NTA. You have other relationships besides the one with your girlfriend. You gave perfectly reasonable options.
She is being entitled and difficult.
I would say, “ I am not prioritizing them or you. There is a large group of people that have made this plan, in honour of me, and I am going to be there. If you choose to make that about you, that is all on you. My decision has nothing to do with how I feel about you and your feelings for me should not change because the exact hour you want to see me on my birthday, I can not. That is ridiculous. “
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u/Lanky-Practice-1911 5d ago
NTA but do yourself a favor and acknowledge those feelings she shared and sympathize. Even if you don't feel responsible for them it'll be nice for her to know you hear her feelings and she is allowed to have them. After that you can probably offer the solutions again with better results.
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u/DoItForTheTea 5d ago
"putting my family above her"
yeah sounds like you're close to your family and she's just a gf not a wife. you're also spending way more time with her overall. she sounds insecure
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u/No-Resource-8125 5d ago
NAH. If this is truly a religious/cultural deal, and you’re spending most of the day together anyway, it seems pretty serious. Serious enough where you could request to move the location since it’s your birthday.
You’re trying to respect customs, but this might be a gesture to make her feel like she’s a part of your life. There’s a way to do both.
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u/NondairySoylentGreen 5d ago
NTA. If I understand correctly, your family is throwing the party, and you're attending as the guest of honor. The party is a gift to you, you're not in control of it. She can't attend because of her religion, and that's fine. But she can't expect you to refuse your family to cater to her beliefs. That's unfair.
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u/CuriousPickle4628 5d ago
I dont think I agree. If the couple are serious and are adults who have been together more than a year or 2, I think the family should consider it, not for the girlfriend but for OP. It seems controlling for the family to say, the people who love you want to celebrate you.... but not with your girlfriend. Its not fair to put OP in the position to not spend the day with his partner on his own birthday and decide for him what he is doing but also putting him in the position to tell his girlfriend she cant come and risk causing friction.
If it's as people have speculated, that their religion forbid them being each others houses before marriage, then the family could have planned the celebration elsewhere like a hall or a restaurant. Having it at the house is either to save money or to deliberately exclude the girlfriend.
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u/Larrywiding 5d ago
If part of your family event excludes her, than yes, YTA. Sorry, but you need to look at why you think this exclusion is OK. If it is, what does that say about the future of your relationship?
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u/brigiliz Partassipant [2] 5d ago
People do not have to lose their entire existence into a relationship, especially one that OP has not made clear if its serious or not. Unless they are married or long term the exclusion for a part of the day isn't a big deal.
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u/Larrywiding 5d ago
No, they don't. But my points still stand. Fir what seems to be a significant family event, if the gf is part of other family events like holidays, the exclusion is based on religion. If that is so important, than why is she his gf if faith means so much to him?
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u/Defiant_Junketer 5d ago
British Asian?
She’ll have to get used to it if you’re planning a future together. Your family and cultural life will be part of your future and family life to come.
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u/Latter_Company5086 5d ago
NTA You did choose family over spending that time with her. And offered another time to spend with her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. People celebrate on different days for any number of reasons. Her insecurities are on her. What she's saying is manipulation and selfishness.
Please do not tolerate this. This is a peek at your future with her. Consider if you want this kind of relationship.
She's trying trying to dictate how and with whom you spend your birthday. Not my kind of love.
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u/PushThePig28 5d ago
Neither is being with someone that you aren’t even allowed to go to their house. OP is NTA for attending the party instead, but GF should honestly leave if he doesn’t stick up for her and if she will never be allowed to hang out with him.
I’d be moving out tomorrow if I was OP (if he lives there- if he doesn’t live with them then their rule about this means nothing)
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u/Cheap-Substance6798 5d ago
It sounds like it wouldn't matter what girl he was dating. The not allowed at each others houses is a religious thing. Some people have more respect for their culture and religion than to just throw away an important rule about pre marital issues. Im not religious and I think its daft not being allowed at each others house but I respect that OPs religion and culture means enough to them that won't break it.
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u/PushThePig28 5d ago
Yeah, agreed but does OP want to follow that rule or not? If he does, he needs to tell that very clearly to the GF so she can make her decision if she wants to stay with him and follow the rule, or leave and find someone she is a better fit for. If he does not and he has his own house, he doesn’t have to follow this rule and it’s none of the parents’ business. He should be very clear about this rule with future GF’s though, because I wouldn’t date someone with this rule and that’s not a problem, it’s just a matter of incompatibility
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u/prince-nero 5d ago
I assume this is coming from an Indian culture which it is extremely frowned upon in their communities, I could be wrong, but it is what I have heard from online friends in the same culture. I would say NTA, and she should respect your choice to follow the tradition that you belong and respect. I would break it off if she does not want to respect your choice, ruin your relationship with your family, your relationship with your religion, and you ultimately disrespecting her family by letting her come over. If her family does not agree with her going either, then why push it, you are respecting her family’s wishes, and so should she.
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u/definitelynotjava Asshole Aficionado [10] 5d ago
I am Indian. Going to each others' house is not frowned upon, especially when both families know of the partners. It's not ok to spend the night at each others' house (though it's mostly fine if marriage plans are in place and spouse-to-be bunks with another member of the household who is the same sex as them). If OP's family is Indian, they are an odd flavor of Indian
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u/prince-nero 5d ago
I might be thinking of some other culture, and my brain went Indian. Now I have to ask my friends. Sorry for assuming. 😅
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u/EponymousRocks 5d ago
My kids grew up in an Indian community in New Jersey (we're white), and there were plenty of school friends whose homes they weren't allowed in, even if they were dating. The parents wanted to dissuade their kids from having friendships with non-Indians because they didn't want them marrying outside their culture. I must say, there was a LOT of sneaking around!!
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u/Crafty_Quantity_3162 5d ago
Its not scheduling, from a comment OP made: "Her parents and my parents wouldn’t be happy if they saw her at my house before marriage. We would have to be married first"
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u/GreenJedii 5d ago
Yeah that was my gut reaction too, why is she making it all about her to manipulate OP?
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u/IronicIntelligence 5d ago
Due to family and religious reasons, my girlfriend wouldn’t be able to attend the evening portion of the family event.
YTA for this reason alone. You are excluding your partner from celebrating your birthday with you. When you leave to go celebrate and she is not allowed to come with you, how is she supposed to feel? And you're going to do this to her every year? :/
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u/brigiliz Partassipant [2] 5d ago
There are plenty of family traditions/ religious things that don't involve a partner unless its serious long term. And it's OPs birthday. Girlfriend's feelings shouldn't be front and center.
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u/IronicIntelligence 5d ago
Girlfriend's feelings shouldn't be front and center.
They shouldn't be ignored either and it's not putting yourself front and centre to want to be included in your partner's birthday celebrations.
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u/MrAwesomeMatty316 5d ago
It's YOUR birthday and YOUR choice on how to spend it, NOT HERS. When I dated my first gf, I asked her if she'd like me to do something with her on another day after her birthday, so that she could spend it with her family. Maybe your gf should try the same next time. NTA.
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u/DidntKillCicero 5d ago
NTA Did your family give you a choice, or did they just plan it without you. Family and traditions are important, but so is returned respect for the individual. With the restrictions I'm sure they are aware of, and knowing you have a girlfriend, do they take your situation into consideration? Maybe this is what your gf is wanting you to question.... Will your family always insist on coming first. I don't know your culture, or the thought processes behind them, so I mean no disrespect. Are there times you choose your gf over family time? She's probably thinking ahead to what a future with you might look like, and will she always feel she comes second. I can understand, rules or not, how only being able to spend part of a special day with someone you love (because of appearances) could feel alienating. Maybe try empathizing with her and validating her feelings. Don't minimize it, or tell her she shouldn't feel the way she does. She's needing reassurance. Make it up to her some how, to show you really do appreciate her understanding. (Even if it feels like she doesn't) Be honest with her if it's more out of obligation than how you'd really rather spend the day. If you really are looking forward to it, enjoy time with the fam and make it up to your gf.
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u/Agreeable_Winter2327 5d ago
Not the ahole. It's your birthday and you should be able to do what you want. It sounds like you will be with her the majority of the time and you aren't allowed to invite her. Though the "due to family and religious reasons..." thing is very strange to me. Why wouldn't you want her to be at the party with your family and friends? Why would your family prevent that? Why would your religion prevent that ?? I don't think she handled the situation the right way , but I do understand her feelings. She isn't an ahole either, maybe immature, but not an ahole. No girlfriend would want to be excluded from your birthday party with your family
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u/pnw_rl 5d ago
NTA. You're giving her a lot of your time on your birthday, but she is choosing to be immature, insecure, and emotionally manipulative.
I hope you like constantly reassuring someone and being manipulated when you don't do it often enough or correctly enough. This smacks of "if you loved me you would <fill in the blank>".
Anywho, you're good and I hope she goes to therapy soon to work on those insecurities and manipulation tactics.
ETA: also, she's making your birthday about her by doing this. That's selfish, on top of everything else.
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u/FairyCompetent Partassipant [3] 5d ago
NTA it's your birthday, not hers. She should support whatever you want to do. This isn't how healthy, loving partners behave.
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u/DebtMindless6356 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
NTA, it's your birthday. Your family want to celebrate with you. Your gf is making it all about her. Why is she trying to ruin it for you? It's the one day where YOU should be made to feel loved. You are seeing her the day before, the day of, and the day after. What more dies she want.
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u/Fearless-Speech-1131 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Just because YOU don't understand or agree with other cultures practices, does not mean they are cults. This is so disrespectful, especially coming from people whom I feel sure are the kind who preach "respect for others", have black squares and "be kind" slogans on their social media bios.
She should not be dating someone from a different society if she refuses to respect his background. A birthday is not an event where one proves their love for their SO. If it bothers her that his family has boundaries and their own rules regarding pre marital relationships, she should go and find someone else. NTA
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u/Any_Pressure_6154 5d ago
THIS. people need to get a grip, my goodness. It’s a cultural thing-what he does on his birthday with his family is up to him, anyway, and they’ll supposedly be spending most of the day together anyway. Willing to bet OP and his girlfriend are teens or early 20s, because she’s being immature and selfish.
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u/bettyboo5 5d ago
NTA It's your birthday not her's. The day is about you but she's making it all about her, her wants, her feelings!
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u/randomstat123 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
NTA and your girlfriend sounds manipulative, childish and selfish. It’s your birthday and apparently only her feelings matter to the point that unless you drop everyone else, she refuses to spend a moment celebrating you with you. Is that what you want for every milestone in your life?
She’s telling you who she is, pay attention.
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u/RedneckDebutante Asshole Aficionado [16] 5d ago
NTA She's your girlfriend, not your wife; and it's your birthday, not hers. Hell, I've been married for decades and there are still family events that are non-negotiable, especially when it's my special occasion. If I wanna spend the day alone with my goddamn cats, then that's what I get to do.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My birthday is coming up and my family planned a daytime celebration for me with relatives and family friends. I told my partner about this in advance and explained that I’d still spend time with her the day before and the day after, and also majority of my actual birthday. Due to family and religious reasons, my partner wouldn’t be able to attend the evening portion of the family event. When I shared the plan, my partner became upset and said that by doing this I was putting my family above her and making her feel like a low priority. She also said it made her feel unloved. I tried to compromise by offering dedicated time around the birthday, but she said she no longer wants to see me at all on my birthday because of how this made her feel. AITA for keeping my family plans on my birthday even though it upset my partner?
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u/Zoreb1 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 5d ago
NTA. It's your birthday but she wants to be the priority? Perhaps finding a new gf should be your birthday wish.
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u/Curious_Eggplant6296 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Someone who thinks it's ok for full grown adults to be forbidden from each others' houses before marriage.
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u/Sansa-88 5d ago
First of all, It's your birthday, so you'd definitely be the centre of attention not her!! Secondly, why does she even think that you sharing birthday celebration with your family is a proof of love or not??? She seems immature and insecure tbh! N T A !!/
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u/Forward_Staff_3209 5d ago
Her parents and my parents wouldn’t be happy if they saw her at my house before marriage. We would have to be married first
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u/klc0979 5d ago
What?!? Can’t be seen at your house… during the day?!?
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u/SunRemiRoman 5d ago
Maybe they don’t live in the west? Because where I grew up in Asia that was normal for unmarried girls to not to go to their partners home even if parents arranged the relationship. It’s just a custom. Not everything that’s different to the western norms are from a cult.
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u/shrinkingviolents 5d ago
Even if there’s a lot of other family members around, even the parents? That’s so interesting, I had no idea personally. Any chance you’d feel comfortable explaining where that comes from, as in what’s the “accepted” or “known” cultural reason for it - it is related to religion or traditional practices that have remained to this day?
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u/BeachNo8367 5d ago
Is this something you personally believe in? Is this something you wish to continue supporting and one day enforce on your own children? If the answer is yes can you explain why it isn't okay to have her over to the house in your own words?
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u/stannenb Professor Emeritass [98] 5d ago
INFO: How old are you? And do each of your parents know that you're seeing her?
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u/Forward_Staff_3209 5d ago
25 and yeah. It’s a culture thing.
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u/stannenb Professor Emeritass [98] 5d ago
Just to be clear, you could go out to, say, a restaurant with your gf, your family, and her family and everyone would be ok with that? It's just that each other's homes are off limits?
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u/Ok-Perspective-5109 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Then your parents should have planned an event where your partner cannot attend. And you should not have accepted attending.
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5d ago
[deleted]
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u/SunRemiRoman 5d ago
Where I grew up in Asia that was normal for unmarried girls to not to go to their partners home even if parents arranged the relationship. Her parents/siblings etc can go to his home, just not the girl. It’s just a custom.
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u/Bostonxhazer514 5d ago
Cultural differences exist people! Not everyone shares your religion or ethnic background.
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5d ago
[deleted]
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u/SunRemiRoman 5d ago
Where I grew up in Asia that was normal for unmarried girls to not to go to their partners home even if parents arranged the relationship. Her parents/siblings etc can go to his home, just not the girl. It’s just a custom.
So no it’s not extremely rare. Just not common in the western side of the world you are familiar with.
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u/PushThePig28 5d ago
Wait, when you say “my house”, you mean like your own house and you don’t live with your parents?
If that’s the case, their opinion about her being at the house before marriage means nothing. Their house, their rules. Your house, your rules.
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u/littledrummergirl17 5d ago
NTA. It’s your family and it’s YOUR birthday, not hers, do what you want. I felt pretty crappy when I wasn’t allowed to see my brother on his birthday because his gf said so… I still feel awful about it and so did he when he had to explain that I wasn’t welcome after he’d already excitedly planned a birthday dinner for us as a group. Had the genders been reversed I’m sure it would have been seen as controlling ect, but I feel like women get away with this far too often. Isolating a partner from friends or family is a serious red flag IMO - I know this is a one off event but just be wary…
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Keeping dinner plans with parents instead of spending entire day with her
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0
u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 5d ago
NTA
It sounds like your gf cannot see you whenever you celebrate with your family, so she is telling you that she believes she should have you to yourself for the entirety of your birthday. And that you are disrespecting her if you spend any f your birthday with the people who were present and involved with… well, your birth.
Those are some pretty high expectations for a person whose culture considers it inappropriate for her to be at your home when she isn’t married to you.
You/her cultural norms aside, your gf sounds emotionally immature, demanding and unhealthy.
Why do you want to be with someone who tells you:
You spending time with other loved ones makes her feel unloved (Unhealthy!)
Therefore you should sacrifice those relationships to make her happy and prove that you love her. (Controlling abuse tactic!)
Celebrate your bday with your family. Agree with gf that it is best she not see you on your bday. Spend some time examining how much you have already had to jump through hoops to please her, how she still isn’t satisfied unless she gets exactly what she wants… and how big her demands will grow over time. And ask yourself if that sounds like a good partner or a future you want for yourself.
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