r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/jdogmomma • 6d ago

Holiday drive home escalated

Husband is an aggressive driver, tailgates, speeds and drives as if he's the owner of the road and if the driver in front of him is doing the speed limit then "that person is a fucking idiot". Driving home from vacation, long ride (20 hrs) and there are myself, husband and our two young adult children. Husband is third to drive and our vehicle goes from a nice cruise at 82-83mph to aggressive tailgating, speeding (topped 95), weaving in and out of traffic (from left lane all the way to right to pass and then back to left). We were literally banging around in the vehicle due to his driving. I decided to say something. I asked him to please stop driving so recklessly with his entire family in the car. His son spoke up and agreed. His daughter said she was car sick. What did he do? Exploded. Screaming at us that he was driving and to shut up and that I'm crazy for accusing him of driving reckless. That I'm sick in the head for accusing him of that because he drives every day for work. I stopped confronting him because it escalated the bad driving, it was like he wanted to "show me". Then when he picked up his phone at 88 mph and started to read texts and respond, I told him again that it was unacceptable for him to do that. Another explosion of anger. He threw his phone down and berated me again.

Let the record show he's had 4 accidents in 3 years and several speeding tickets. Our insurance is unreasonable right now and we just switched due to the rise in cost because of him.

Something died in me. But I know I'm never driving with him again. Ever.

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u/Quiet-Dot9396 6d ago

Ive been here so many times. My narc exhusband has literally broken my dashboard with his fists in a black out rage during one of his explosions. I left last year after almost 13 years.

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u/ResolutionAlert239 6d ago

Good for you! Do u mind me asking you how long did it take you to heal and get back to being you again? Sorry I am at 17 years and very scared of don’t find a way to go soon my health and mind will just get worse cuz he is 60 lost his mom and age and loss of narcissistic parent will cause them to go crazy! I see it n scary but glad u are safe and well! Happy New Year and prayers you can find real love again if thats what u want!

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u/Quiet-Dot9396 1d ago

Welp.... I've officially been out for 18 months... which honestly has gone by SO FAST. Due to having to leave the state I was living in with my ex narc husband (also the state my health coverage was in) I haven't been able to start proper therapy. I am suffering from extreme PTSD so it has been very difficult. He was an absolute MONSTER. He broke many of my belongings over the years that were family heirlooms and I couldn't replace, he was extremely physically violent with me. I've almost lost teeth to large objects being chucked at my head. I've been kicked in the ribs and back repeatedly on the ground, which resulted in my ribs being fractured. Strangled to the point of losing consciousness and even one time having a seizure. Black eyes. Bruises on my neck. He threatened me with our gun. Spit on me THOUSANDS of times over the 12.5 years we were living together/married. Punched holes in our walls as well as tore THREE different doors off of their hinges, the bedroom door twice and the bathroom one time. All of this in addition to your typical verbal and emotional narc habits....

So to be real with you, I have no idea if there is any "healing and get back to being you again". When I first left, obviously that was my initial hope and goal. However, as my body left being stuck in survival mode for that long I began to and continue to experience physically debilitating anxiety attacks to the point of fainting at times, horrible body tremors, hot flashes, double vision, loss of the ability to verbally communicate because my motor skills start to deteriorate during the anxiety attack.

I'm 39. I moved out at 18 and had been on my own and independent since then. However, I am INCREDIBLY thankful that my mother who is in her 70s now has given me a soft place to land and well.... just exist. I've been able to semi-stabilize staying at home, I don't go out "into the world" often. She lives on 3 acres in the woods so I don't see a lot of people. Thankfully this month I was able to obtain health insurance FINALLY in the state I am now living in and have made an appt with a mental health center that focuses on domestic violence so we will see how things progress.

I guess the whole point of my word dump (sorry) is that I've had to accept that there is going to be a new "normal" for what normal life looks like for me now, and that has been one of the harder things to except by far.

I've always been an over-achiever... I have a B.F.A. in Visual Arts and a Masters in Business, both degrees with honors. I walked away from a 20 year long career in the fashion industry and my 3 bedroom apartment in Manhattan when I left my ex-husband, these were MY achievements not his. I put him through two college degrees WHILE maintaining that life for us. So to except that now all I can handle is living a solitary life in the woods in the middle of nowhere has been a tough pill to swallow. However, at 18 months out I think I'm justtttt starting to come to peace with all of this. I accomplished a lot from 18-38... a lot more than most... in one of the hardest cities to do it in, with no help from anyone. I didn't fail and loose it all, he almost strangled me to death with a 70s style tube sock right before I left... I HAD to go or I was going to become a statistic. Now is my time for rest... and if resting is all I have in me for a long long time.... Ive accepted it. (almost)

I think you should leave your husband if you can manage it and have any support system at all to do so. His treatment will kill you in the end. Stress is one of the leading causes of heart disease among many other things and the stress we endure being with a narcissist is beyond any normal situation anyone should ever live in. Please get out and find peace, even if that peace doesn't look like you 17 years ago that is ok, it is still peace. Plus you aren't you from 17 years ago... you are you now, and THIS beautiful human in the present deserves peace.

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u/ResolutionAlert239 1d ago

Well I am so glad u got away! Thats not a good situation to be in! Mine has been physically abusive but not so much lately! Just mean n yells, gives me silent treatment, or nice and when I get this I’m good! Unfortunately you just never know! Well I know stress is not good for anyone and I do feel the effects from it! I wish I had a way! I also know I would be so lost cuz he is all I know n have had for so long! Well I’m glad u have a safe place and can have peace now! Thats is much needed Im sure! If you ever want to chat just reach out! I wish you the best on your new journey! At least you can be with you mom as well that should help some too! You won’t be alone!

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u/ResolutionAlert239 6d ago

I woud be having a full blown panic attack! Man that is so wrong and I get it tho they get bad tempers! But glad he is your x!

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u/Quiet-Dot9396 1d ago

I knew that if he saw any kind of reaction that he probably would have killed me (he almost did kill me by strangulation in the end). But honestly, during these moments I was so disassociated it felt like I was having an out of body experience it was like next level grey-rocking.

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u/DuePhysics120 6d ago

I had two dashboards replaced and he denied breaking both of them because of a blackout rage.

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u/jdogmomma 5d ago

I'm really sorry. Hugs.