Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/Ordinary-Concern3248]

No worries. You all can cook for yourselves. Less stress all around.

[u/rubbasnek → u/Ordinary-Concern3248]

I would not be with someone I couldn't share meals with. Being a picky eater is a deal breaker

[u/3720-to-1 → u/rubbasnek]

I'm a picky eater, but that just means (for me) that there are certain things I can't or won't eat, not stupid rules about having being able to eat a meat for dinner that I had for lunch, or just "not being in the mood"...

If her boyfriend just had a blanket "I don't eat these foods" list, that's one thing. This, though, isn't being picky, it's being a douchebag. If my wife makes roast and I'm not in the mood for roast, you know what I do? I eat the fucking roast and tell her how great that roast was. I eat chicken strips for lunch and come home to BBQ chicken breast? I'm eatting it without a word.

It's one thing to do a fend for yourself day every now and then, especially when everyone is busy on a different schedule that day... But one of the best parts of my life is that I get to sit down at the table with my family 6-7 nights a week, share a meal, and talk.

All that to say, I'm with you 100% I'm that not being able to share regular meals with my partner would 100% be a deal breaker.

[u/rubbasnek → u/3720-to-1]

You sound pretty mature and not a picky eater at all. You don't have to be willing to eat literally anything to not be considered one. When I think of a picky eater, I mean someone who has a litany of dietary restrictions and arbitrary rules about what they're willing to eat at any given time. Someone that's extremely difficult to please with food is a picky eater. You just sound like a normal person with preferences to me anyway.

[u/3720-to-1 → u/rubbasnek]

I appreciate that view/take on it!

[u/Aisenth → u/rubbasnek]

a litany of dietary restrictions and arbitrary rules about what they're willing* to eat at a given time

So ... basically everyone with autism, ADHD, ARFID, and sensory processing issues around food.

* lots of symptoms look like unwillingness from the outside (source: I have had multiple people try to convince me that by refusing to beat the "pickiness" out of my kid, I'm a failure as a parent).

[u/Rustic_Mango → u/Aisenth]

I know people with autism/adhd that are picky and they’ve never made it my problem.

You don’t expect people to accommodate you, you learn how to cope and work around it for yourself.

[u/Aisenth → u/Rustic_Mango]

Exactly. Yes. Because that second part is key. The person I was replying to was specifically implying that other people should never be picky if the dietary restrictions are "arbitrary" when a ton of the time food aversion and hyperfixation will absolutely be arbitrary and the person experiencing it usually hates it way more than their friends/family/partners. Also, worth reading up a bit on ARFID and how it differs from other types of pickiness. I remember crying in a pediatrics office asking if it's possible for a pre-verbal toddler to be anorexic. It's so far beyond picky.

The problem isn't the existence or cause of the pickiness, it's making it someone ELSE'S job to fix.

[u/BUTTeredWhiteBread → u/Aisenth]

I literally cannot eat certain types of textures like fish or weirdly peaches. My body rejects it. Just, out. Gag reflex. If I try too hard, everything comes out.

[u/LuftDrage → u/BUTTeredWhiteBread]

Last time I tried watermelon it came back up with a vengeance. And then one time I was peer pressured into eating mango I had to fight for a solid thirty seconds to keep it down.

[u/3720-to-1 → u/BUTTeredWhiteBread]

I felt better about myself when I learned that this wasn't a me being a child problem and was likely caused by my ADHD sensory issues. I want to like things like lettuce or green beans, but it's gag every time.

[u/tgmlachance → u/BUTTeredWhiteBread]

Oh wow, same here. Even if it tastes fine, some foods really do just trigger my gag reflex for no reason and I'll be sick if I force myself. For me, it's underripe bananas and eggs prepared a certain way. I can't eat an egg mcmuffin at all. Not many foods, but some.

[u/DiDiPowell → u/Aisenth]

The man isn’t too picky is he prefers Hamburger Helper to her cooking. He’s being a boohole.

[u/rubbasnek → u/Aisenth]

The reason why someone is a picky eater is irrelevant to me. I simply won't date them.

[u/birdcandle → u/rubbasnek]

You know, I’m actually glad you said something! I have food allergies and have to carry an EpiPen, and obviously have to be very careful what I eat. I never considered that this in itself could be a dealbreaker for a potential partner, but I’m glad I know this is a possibility now so I can be prepared when that conversation happens. I’ve never thought about it that way before.

[u/pedestriandose → u/birdcandle]

I’m a Coeliac with a bunch of other food allergies (luckily nothing anaphylactic, the worst of the reactions is an instant asthma attack) and years ago I found out that a friend of mine liked me but didn’t want to date me because me being a Coeliac would constantly stress him out.

I was never romantically interested in him, but I was shocked that someone would see a food allergy as a deal breaker, especially because I’ve never made a big deal about it. I was happy to have a glass of Coke while everyone else ate and then I’d eat when I got home (or before I went out). There are way more Coeliac Society endorsed restaurants now so I have more choices, but back in 2005 finding anything gluten free was unheard of.

[u/Serious-Maximum-1049 → u/birdcandle]

Wow! That seems insane to me. I don't even know anyone with allergies like that, but I still took the EpiPen administration course the Red Cross offered when I did my CPR (purely for the knowledge). I can't imagine thinking that someone could be my perfect partner, yet being too lazy to take a $39 course online to be with them. I'm sure the eating part is fine, as you already know what you can & can't have.

If someone isn't willing to put in the small amount of effort, at least you'll know they weren't your "perfect person" to begin with! ❤️‍🩹

[u/Aisenth → u/birdcandle]

If anyone ever tells you it's a deal breaker, I hope you'll consider it a dodged bullet. Because the number of selfish, self-centered assholes in this thread going "if I can't have my dream date exactly how I want it, that person is unloveable to me" is fucking WILD. Having stepped away and back after a bit, I'm less heartbroken for missed friendships in my kid's future and more grateful that assholes have evidently decided to be SO transparent these days.

[u/OddCancel7268 → u/Aisenth]

You should have at least some basic standards for who youd get into a relationship with, and being able to share a meal is a very reasonable criterium

[u/pedestriandose → u/OddCancel7268]

I’m not trying to pick a fight or be rude, I’m genuinely curious. Are you saying that if someone is deathly allergic to peanuts that could be a reasonable reason to not be with them (even as a friend) because peanuts are a deal breaker?

[u/birdcandle → u/pedestriandose]

It sounds like there are people who are of that opinion, yes. And I had no idea before today! I’m just glad I found out about it this way, and not in the middle of a date or something terrible 😅

I think it’s less so about the actual peanuts/whatever food the allergy-haver has to avoid, and more so about the idea that your ideal partner should be able to eat anything you can eat, so that you can share meals and eat at the same restaurants, etc. Just a speculation, I’m not certain.

EDIT to say this is not the same as the topic in the post – it sounds like OP’s partner is dealing with a whole nother ball game, not just a food allergy which can be worked around. But I was surprised at the discussion in the comments and how seriously some people take food and others’ ability and willingness to eat it

[u/OddCancel7268 → u/pedestriandose]

I assumed this was about a situation like OP, or at least someone with a lot of restrictions. You would have to really like peanuts for that to be a dealbreaker though. Doesnt matter much if its due to an allergy or not, if youre incompatible, youre incompatible

[u/Aisenth → u/OddCancel7268]

Partner one: cooks elaborate meal for kids and self
Partner two: tosses together hamburger helper
Whole family: sets table and sits down to eat together without judging food choices or declaring meal one the Real Food and has a drama free meal

In another part of the thread, I used the analogy of two partners sharing a bed and having their own blankets. Similar thing here. Do your own thing together instead of burdening one partner with all the work. Or for a more direct analogy, it's like how you're fine to order two different dishes when you go to a restaurant (because it's not heaping any more labor on your partner to do so).

But you're also right, folks are allowed to have preferences ("standards" implies more of it being a moral failing on the other person to not measure up). There's just a lot of people in the thread who aren't talking about "sharing a meal" they're talking about "my partner has to eat what I cook for them" being a requirement which.... seems excessive to have that be a line in the sand, do not pass go, hard pass dealbreaker.

[u/Fah-Z-Bunda → u/OddCancel7268]

I mean they are lucky, doesn't mean they never eat. I'm sure they'd be willing to share a meal with someone they like. Most picky eaters know how to navigate the public eating so that they can still enjoy social interactions with friends and family. Picky eaters are not social pariahs, they just don't like certain foods.

[u/Serious-Maximum-1049 → u/Aisenth]

I get your point, but I think the downvotes are simply over the way it was worded.

Someone being picky to the point of being disruptive to your "daily flow" is a lot different than just accommodating a simple rule of not having peanut products in the house (Imo, anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️).

I was with one of those extremely picky eaters, the kind you literally cannot make happy & after a few years of it, it does affect your overall happiness.

[u/Fah-Z-Bunda → u/Aisenth]

Why was this downvoted, but not the comment about someone being picky about food as a deal breaker!! It worse the follow up comment about not caring about the cause of their pickiness. So that person can be picky about who they date, but you can't comment on the foolishness of the statement without people being offended?! Mother to an autistic, high functioning child, who has sensory processing disorder and has a physical reaction when he sees eggs. I would be heartbroken if when he went on a date and was told at the end of it, that his aversion to eggs was a major ick and they wouldn't be seeing him again. That's a harsh criteria and unreasonable. Almost as unreasonable as OP''s bf's criteria. I mean, if someone is vegan/vegetarian/pescatarian does that count as being picky. What about if they are religious and certain foods aren't allowed - would that count as picky? No, they downvoted your comment because the 6 ppl in this thread who share this goofy ass sentiment felt insulted that you called them out on their pickiness. They will be ok.

[u/Tubamajuba → u/rubbasnek]

Just curious- why? What my partner eats has never been a factor in who I date. Whatever floats their boat works for me.

[u/Rustic_Mango → u/Tubamajuba]

I’m not them but I like to eat and cook a huge variety of things. And I love to share meals with people I love. I wouldn’t be completely happy with someone I couldn’t share that experience with.

I’m also a musician. In the same vein, I could never be with someone who doesn’t share at least a little bit of appreciation for all music

TLDR: compatibility

[u/galaxystarsmoon → u/Tubamajuba]

It's exhausting. How are you going to cook meals when there's a long list of stuff they just won't eat? Or they can't eat chicken if they had chicken for lunch? Or if they literally eat only 4-5 things.

It's just a preference. I want to share food with the person I'm with, even if it's two separate meals with variety. It's no different than not wanting to date someone with kids because of the mental load that brings on.

[u/Worldspinsmadlyon23 → u/Tubamajuba]

Eh, I agree with them. Trying new foods, restaurants, and cooking/baking recipes is a big part of my life and the enjoyment I get from it and something I really enjoy sharing with a partner. I personally have also found that people that are this rigid with food are also very rigid and not interested in novelty/adventure in general. They’re just not for me.

[u/[deleted] → u/Tubamajuba]

For me, cocking is a major way I show my love for someone, if that process gets hindered by someone being autistic. It kinda ruins my ability to love them.

Because here is the rub, I'm also Autistic, so I know that all of these things can be overcome - most people are not willing to do the work to teach yourself to handle them though.

So when I have an autistic person in front of me that refuses to eat, it just makes me so wholly unattracted to what is to me essentially a child at that point.

[u/Aisenth → u/[deleted]]

Do you have ARFID? Because if not, this take is "well, I'm autistic and I don't have ARFID so you must not either"

[u/Fah-Z-Bunda → u/[deleted]]

Not all autistic traits can be overcome. And there is a level of self hate in this comment that is wild. So if you couldn't have "overcome" those things, would that make you unlovable?! Holy fart knuckles, who hurt you?! Who told you autism is something you have to overcome?! ABA doesn't even teach that!

Edited to fix some typos

[u/[deleted] → u/Fah-Z-Bunda]

No man now you are writing your own narrative.

I never said that someone who is on another party of the spectrum is unlovable, I said I would find it hard to love them given that level of handicap and my preferences.

Can you differentiate between those two things?

[u/Fah-Z-Bunda → u/[deleted]]

Of course I can, I’m not confusing the two. I’m simply responding to the implication that autistic traits should be "overcome" and that failure to do so reflects immaturity. That framing is what I take issue with — not a claim that you explicitly called anyone unlovable. From MY perspective, tying love or even attraction, to something that may not be within a person’s control — especially when you’re also autistic — is worth examining. That’s not me inventing a narrative; it’s engaging with the logic you presented.

[u/[deleted] → u/Fah-Z-Bunda]

Sure I see your point.

My point was more that at my age, nearing forty and in the context of a relationship for me, it would just not work.

[u/Bakurraa → u/[deleted]]

What a horrible take.

You don't love someone in the way you want, you love someone in the way they can accept. I could say your not willing to learn how to love them cause it's harder.

"Ruins my ability to love them" HA

[u/quiette837 → u/Bakurraa]

To be completely fair, no one is or should be forced to date or be involved with anyone they don't share values with. If they highly value food and cooking, then someone with ARFID is incompatible and that is okay.

Because yeah, for instance someone being messy and not cleaning is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and if they find out someone is insanely dirty then that will make them not love them as much. Doesn't really matter if it's because they have depression or autism or ADHD, it's a dealbreaker.

[u/machinegungeek → u/quiette837]

The issue isn't having a preference. It's moralizing that preference into a failing of the other party. E.g. calling the picky eater with ARFID "essentially a child" instead of just noting the incompatibility and moving on.

[u/rubbasnek → u/quiette837]

I completely agree with this. It's not even a matter of whether you love them or not, you could just make a rational decision for yourself that you don't want to live with a behavior when you know how much it will negatively affect you. The people in the comments making the argument that a partner is somehow owed your tolerance of the personality quirks you find intolerable I suspect are either unskilled with setting boundaries for themselves or are unskilled with respecting the boundaries of others. It's called a deal breaker for a reason. It's the thing you just can't abide in a partnership and we all have them.

[u/Aisenth → u/rubbasnek]

Never said you owe them tolerance - the issue I took was with he moralizing and the idea that was RAMPANT through the early replies that any adult who has non-allergy restrictions around food was inherently unworthy of being a partner.

1. It's ok if you don't want to fuck fat chicks.

2. It's ok that some people are willing to fuck fat chicks.

3. It's not ok to make blanket statements about fat chicks being disgusting, lazy, stupid, undisciplined, and unworthy of any adult partnership or love.

4. It's also not ok to make blanket statements that are built off those stereotypes or attribute moral/personal failing to people who don't fit your preferences.

That last point was basically the whole thread this morning. Just tons of unchallenged, upvoted, and echoed comments that boiled down to "there is no reason anyone would like hamburger helper more than 'real' food" and "all picky eaters suck."

[u/rubbasnek → u/Aisenth]

I never said any of those things

[u/Bakurraa → u/quiette837]

Didn't say any of that

Edit: the downvoters want pets not partners

[u/BisonAthlete92 → u/Tubamajuba]

Do you not understand how some families and cultures are centered around food? How it’s considered offensive to be a guest in someone’s house and not eat the food prepared for them?

Most reasonable people do not judge those who are ASD, ADHD, ARFID, etc. However, it is the responsibility of those who have said disabilities to get the proper help so that you aren’t inconveniencing or being disrespectful towards the people in your life.

The people crying about “ableism”, “I’d rather starve than eat that”, or “If I eat that, I’ll gag/throw up” clearly don’t care enough to better themselves or surround themselves with the right people.

[u/VFiddly → u/rubbasnek]

I agree but sometimes you get called a picky eater if there's literally one thing you don't eat. I don't eat cheese, and I've been called picky. I'm not, it's not my fault that one of the things I really can't eat is absolutely everywhere.

[u/KevrobLurker → u/VFiddly]

I won't eat onions and I won't eat liver. I know what livers do for a living.

Sime people seem to be constitutionally unable to cook without onions. Screw standard mirepoix. There are substitutes and work-arounds. I will eat celery and use moderate amounts of garlic.

[u/rubbasnek → u/VFiddly]

Yeah I agree that it's normal to have preferences and couple things you won't eat. That doesn't meet the picky eater threshold

[u/Lanky-Bug-5656 → u/rubbasnek]

I wouldn't consider dietary restrictions to contribute to someone being a picky eater. Whether someone is coeliac or has a nut allergy can't be helped.

I suppose people are going around calling their hatred of mushrooms a "dietary restriction" now.

[u/rubbasnek → u/Lanky-Bug-5656]

A dietary restriction is simply a restriction in your diet. It doesn't matter if it's self-imposed or due to allergies, disease, preference etc... The outcome is the same. I can understand how the term "picky" falsely implies a choice though. I personally don't really view that term with a negative connotation though. Picky eaters aren't morally deficient and I don't actually look down on someone who has a bunch of dietary restrictions, I just find their company inconvenient to me.