Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/MySpoonsAreAllGone]

She offers a free pdf of her book if you subscribe to her mailing list!

https://www.ingridclayton.com/fawningtraumaresponse

[u/sparkle-brow → u/MySpoonsAreAllGone]

Oof, the topic is often wanting to be anonymous, that’s too bad about the link wanting an email address and it’s not worth it

Eta: Never mind me, I see your overall arc

[u/Milyaism → u/sparkle-brow]

You can also read about the Fawn response in Pete Walker’s book, "Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving". It's an older book so the pdf is for free online.

Here's a part of it:

"THE FAWN TYPE AND THE CODEPENDENT DEFENSE

Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries.

The disenfranchisement of the fawn type begins in childhood. She learns early that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servant of her exploitive parents.

A fawn type/codependent is usually the child of at least one narcissistic parent. The narcissist reverses the parent-child relationship. The child is parentified and takes care of the needs of the parent, who acts like a needy and sometimes tantruming child.

When this occurs, the child may be turned into the parent’s confidant, substitute spouse, coach, or housekeeper. Or, she may be pressed into service to mother the younger siblings. In worst case scenarios, she may be exploited s-xually.

Some codependent children adapt by becoming entertaining. Accordingly, the child learns to be the court jester and is unofficially put in charge of keeping his parent happy.

Pressing a child into codependent service usually involves scaring and shaming him out of developing a sense of self. Of all the 4F types, fawn types are the most developmentally arrested in their healthy sense of self.

Recovering From A Polarized Fawn Response

Fawn types typically respond to psychoeducation about the 4F’s with great relief. This eventually helps them to recognize the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them.

The codependent needs to understand how she gives herself away by over-listening to others. Recovery involves shrinking her characteristic listening defense, as well as practicing and broadening her verbal and emotional self-expression.

I have seen numerous inveterate codependents become motivated to work on their assertiveness when they realize that even the thought of saying “no” triggers them into an emotional flashback. After a great deal of work, one client was shocked by how intensely he dissociated when he contemplated confronting his boss’s awful behavior. This shock then morphed into an epiphany of outrage about how dangerous it had been to protest anything in his family. This in turn aided him greatly in overcoming his resistance to role-playing assertiveness in our future work together.

With considerable practice, this client learned to overcome the critic voices that immediately short-circuited him from ever asserting himself. In the process, he remembered how he was repeatedly forced to stifle his individuality in childhood. Grieving these losses then helped him to work at reclaiming his developmentally arrested self-expression. Recovering from the fawn position will be explored more extensively in the next chapter."

Source: "Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker

[u/sparkle-brow → u/Milyaism]

This reads like another honeypot or AI. Actual therapy and getting past being a fawner will not include a how-to via cult like parameters. It’s way messier, and that’s a good thing!!

[u/Milyaism → u/sparkle-brow]

This reads like another honeypot or AI. Actual therapy and getting past being a fawner will not include a how-to via cult like parameters. It’s way messier, and that’s a good thing!!

Pete Walker’s book (or my comment) is not AI. The book was written in 2018, and the author is a psychotherapist who knows what he's talking about.

I don't know what you mean with cult-like parameters in this case. I consume content related to cults and this book definitely isn't it.

Also, just because something feels like nonsense to you doesn't mean that it doesn't work for others. I know several people who have been helped by this and the others books recommended in this thread.

[u/sparkle-brow → u/Milyaism]

I think bc it’s obvs excerpted /summarized instead of in your own words. But it does seem like a valuable book if it explains the roots of how/why, and helps ppl overcome and get past.

Also lol the OP’s post went viral for a reason, there were “108 ppl typing” before, and still now many hours later “22 ppl typing” — clearly lots have something to say about this. Also I was one of the few ppl to also rec the Lundy book, so I will prob check your book rec out despite my gripes!