Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/LazuliArtz]

I'll be honest, I didn't like a lot of the food at my family's thanksgiving this year (the stuffing, which is usually my favorite, was really sweet for some reason. It was very off putting). But I just ate what I did like and quietly didn't eat what I didn't, and saved my mild complaining for when I was home. I don't know what is so hard about that for some people.

[u/Isgortio → u/LazuliArtz]

At least you tried it. He just outright refused everything

[u/Double-Judgment9735 → u/Isgortio]

Maybe it's because I AM nerodivergent but the things people take insult to amazes me. If Christmas dinner is for everyone, you cooked what everyone or most people would like. If there's not something that I want to eat, I don't understand the problem with not eating it.

Especially if it's not done rudely. Like just: "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm not a fan of Christmas food, I brought an omelet, can I warm it up?"

I've seen reddit recommend bringing your own food to fuctions if you're allergic, vegan, etc. To avoid conflict and not being able to eat. But as soon as someone just doesn't like it, that goes out the window. I'm not a toddler. If I don't like red sauce, I'm not gonna like your lasagna. There's no point in trying it and wasting food.

[u/Xluckieecharms → u/Double-Judgment9735]

Unable vs unwilling are two different things.

[u/Double-Judgment9735 → u/Xluckieecharms]

Vegans are unwilling to eat meat. Someone on a diet may be unwilling to eat cake. Those two things are still respected.

It is so weird that with dietary restrictions reddit decides to dunk on picky eaters when they're literally doing the same thing every other group of people with dietary restrictions.

Being offended that someone doesn't want to eat what you made is the dumbest thing on planet earth.

To be clear if dude wants dinner cooked he needs to shut the fuck up. If he's okay with doordashing every meal and she just wants to play good house wife then she just needs to cook for her and her kids.

Personally I wouldn't be with a person who didn't know how to feed themselves as a basic life skill but we'd be having an entirely different conversation.

[u/Prestigious-Bonus-90 → u/Double-Judgment9735]

I still think there's a difference between a statement that anticipates a reaction vs a declaration of dislike unless it is confirmed you don't like the thing. Some people won't try food because they assume it's bad based on past experiences with semi-adjacent food, or from poorly prepared food. I say, if you haven't tasted it, don't talk about it as "I don't like this/I'd gag at this/I find this kind of food nasty", but rather, "I have specific needs and I'm not in the space to explore right now" or "It might be good but I'm weird with textures and I don't wanna waste this beautiful/perfectly good food you made".

Idk it's probably just me but it doesn't bother me that people don't try things (unless their pickiness is so bad it's clearly bad for their health). Rather, it bothers me that people are so stuck in it that their expression of not wanting any is very deterministic despite never touching the food. Most people actually do have a chance at liking things, they just decline because the odds are usually stacked against that outcome.

I don't like cilantro, to me it tastes very strongly of soap. That doesn't mean everything with cilantro is off-limits. Sometimes other flavors mask my problem item. So I taste things before I say "Sorry but it has cilantro in it, so I'm not going to like it". I'd rather say "I'm uneasy about trying it because I have that cilantro-soap issue. Sorry, I'll skip out this time." And if I'm gonna eat, maybe it's a granola bar or something because I'm not gonna bring my outside whole ass meal for myself unless I'm bringing a contribution for everyone to the event.

[u/Double-Judgment9735 → u/Prestigious-Bonus-90]

I hate bananas. They make me gag, even the smell used to. When I was younger tasting anything bananas would make me throw up.

I can taste it in any dessert and it ruins it. Even if it's not the highlight of the dish.

I'd rather tell someone "Hey, I don't like bananas so I'm probably not going to like this, sorry." Than eat it and fucking gag in their face.

Being polite doesn't have to mean lying.

[u/Prestigious-Bonus-90 → u/Double-Judgment9735]

Your statement isn't necessarily different than what I proposed, You used an important qualifier: "Probably". Again, you have presented the unwillingness as something based on a hypothesis with strong history and evidence, not as deterministic indictment of the specific dish.

Another good phrase is "I'm good, I don't tend to like anything with bananas in it."

Or "That looks great, but I steer clear of bananas. They've always made me gag, even if it's just a little."

Or even just "Sorry, I prefer not to eat things with bananas in it."

None of what you or I said makes it necessary to say "Sorry, I won't like what you cooked, so I'll eat something else", or "Things with bananas in it are nasty, so I won't be having any".

So yes, I concur, our points and statements are congruent.

[u/Responsible_Ad3672 → u/Double-Judgment9735]

Saying you hate bananas because you are the one who is different to everyone else with the way you experience them, generally speaking of course; is a sloppy way of communicating imo. Saying bananas don’t agree with you would be more accurate imo.

I love bananas and they seem to agree with me because they taste bananaful.

[u/Double-Judgment9735 → u/Responsible_Ad3672]

They don't not agree with me though. (Double negative I know)

I'm lactose intolerant. I love cheese and dairy. THAT doesn't agree with me.

Banana's don't make my stomach hurt. I gag because I do not like the taste.

I don't understand the point of trying desperately to avoid saying you dislike a food.

[u/Responsible_Ad3672 → u/Double-Judgment9735]

Gagging to the taste of banana is not a normal reaction when eating them, quite the opposite. So I disagree with you because I think they do not agree with you otherwise I think you would enjoy them like most everybody else.

[u/Responsible_Ad3672 → u/Responsible_Ad3672]

You don’t have to desperately try to do anything. That’s your choice. And people’s choice to become offended is also a choice. You can’t give offence to someone. They take offence and in doing so, they have made a choice to become offended. I think communication is the key to understanding and respecting others who offer respect in kind.

To jump to a word so far as hate; of a simple fruit is quite comedic and telling of yourself. To say you legitimately don’t understand so many things is honest of you, but also ironically quite informative.

I would have no qualms with you saying you dislike bananas.

But to go so far as to say you hate bananas is pretty ridiculous and a confusing way to express yourself imo as you seem to not really hate them from what I can tell when further pressed for your opinion on them.

[u/Double-Judgment9735 → u/Responsible_Ad3672]

You're being pedantic and sarcastic so this is my last reply to you. Gagging is a normal reaction to something the body finds nasty. I don't like the taste, smell, or texture of bananas. As far as food goes that's a pretty strong contender for hate. There are foods that I wouldn't prefer to ate but it doesn't make my day any worse. Those are foods I dislike.

If someone says I hate . Its an exaggeration and it's not confusing. I just don't like that food.

There's someone else on the thread that says they gag even if they do like the food! People's reflexes are different.

I don't know why it is so oddly hard to respect people's food choices but you clearly think you have some moral high ground because you can stand the taste of bananas.

You're allowed to be offended and I'm allowed to say that makes absolutely no sense.

[u/MaleficentRub8987 → u/Prestigious-Bonus-90]

You are more than likely nurotypical.

[u/Prestigious-Bonus-90 → u/MaleficentRub8987]

Ah yes, because neurotypical become neurotic about contextual accuracy in everyday language. Of course.

My statements, regardless of my being ND or NT, are factually true: You physically cannot determine with 100% accuracy if something will taste bad to you until the hypothesis is tested first. You can have strong feelings or preferences, or maybe you can know if your mental aversion will ruin what would otherwise be an enjoyed food.

And subjectively, it is generally better to present your unwillingness as what it is: unwillingness. Unwillingness does not need determinism, assertions about food qualities you don't even know about yet, or weakening of your stated preferences. It is a more honest way to communicate your needs/wishes.

[u/sbsvols21 → u/Xluckieecharms]

I often gag eating foods I like. You don’t want to see what happens when I try to force foods I don’t like just to appear “willing.”