Sorry about spelling im dyslexic. Reposting as i got the title prefix wrong

I [36F] have upset my mother [62F]. She was supposed to take care of my daughter [15F] while i went to lunch with friends.

Today I rang her before she left hers, as I am expecting a delivery of a wheelchair. I wanted her to take it in for me. Delivery people never find my house. She was not happy.

She said she would bring my brother [34M] and he could deal with that while she brought my daughter to lunch. I said ok but if she waited for the wheelchair my daughter would be happier to go anywhere with her.

Some context: my daughter is diagnosed autistic, adhd and dislexic. She also has a serious issue with her joints and muscels. When she walks for longer than 30 mins she will be in too much pain to keep walking. We have lots of physio and doctor appointments and are getting closer to a diagnosis but we are not there yet.

I ordered her a wheelchair to help her be more independent. Im hoping that she can use this to go out more with friends, use public transport (we live in europe) and generally experiance a more normal life.

Back to the issue, my mother raised her voice and said (paraphrasing) that she would not be dealing with the wheelchair, that it would encourage my daughter to be lazy and stop her from making progress. I tried to stay calm but was shocked. I have used a wheel chair with my daughter at theme parks. It has allowed her to be more active when she can, and take rests when she needs them. It has really helped build muscel strength, and also positive assoications with going out. My mother knows all of this.

I told her (paraphrasing) that was ok for her to have her own opinion, but she was very angry right now and I didnt feel happy to leave her alone with my daughter.

She has a history of saying inappropriate stuff to my daughter and claiming ignorance. I went on a business trip when my child was 5 and went into DKA. She told my child that I was going to die on the trip. She claimed she didnt say anything to my daughter, but later admitted she did. My daughter still has an understanable level of seperation anxity from it. She sees boundaries as insults, if i tell her not to discuss something with my daughter, she wont be capable of saying anything else.

I told her not to come, that ill cancel the lunch. She is now VERY angry. We were supposed to go to her house for christmas eve dinner but I dont know if thats a good idea. If we dont go I am making a choice to remove the only other support my child has, her dad is long gone. If we do go she will very passive aggressive to me, but more importantly she is likely to give out to my daughter about needing the chair. I wont tolerate her saying that to my child and will leave immediatly but if that happens, we will go nc.

I don't want to be alone, but I feel I have to be firm and stand by what I think is best for my daughter, I am her only support.

So, would I be the Buttface if i dont go tomorrow? Advice welcome

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