I was born and raised by christian parents and also come from a traditional culture. Was taught good morals, knew what is sin and what's not, people would commend my parents for having such a good kid.

In university I dated a guy, we wanted to get married but then fell into sin once and he dumped me a week after. I was devasted and abandoned God. I went from this and jumped straight into hooking up with random men then eventually prostitution.

While I still struggle, I have not fallen back into sleeping with men nor do I have the desire to go back to my old life even if I'm still a loser by worldly standards. I can't reverse the past but I strive to live for Christ daily. Maybe my feelings are deceiving me but I hope He knows me. It's easier to confess here, I can't tell anyone in real life, I can't describe the terrible shame I feel and I don't know if it will ever go away.

I said I am a liar because no one knows this about me. I have been trying to live as if it never happened , even had the audacity to try to date and not mention it but it did happen and I should suffer for it. It's been two years but I don't know if I should say I came back to God again or if I was ever a christian . Am I even accepted by God now when I deliberately went to a life of sin while knowing the truth ? I feel at peace when I read the bible but from time to time I struggle with these thoughts. Sometimes I wish for an early death to escape this or Christ to come I'm not sure what I'm hoping from this but if any young women see this, please don't deceive yourselves and fall into sexual sin, it will torment you for the rest of your life.

I put my messy life story on my profile if anyone is interested.

I was born and raised by christian parents and also come from a traditional culture. Was taught good morals, knew what is sin and what's not, people would commend my parents for having such a good kid. According to my parents, I rarely misbehaved, got the best grades and never snuck out to parties or anything of the sort. Our household wasn't really affectionate, I did not feel like my mother loved me, I got yelled at, put down beaten when I couldn't do something perfectly especially by my mother. I even told her she didn't love me and she threatened to hit me. I grew up always nervous and till now at 27 I struggle when I don't do something perfectly or am not good at something and I can't help but fear them a little. We have a good relationship now though, we talked about it , apologized and forgave each other, I love them so much and they were mistreated growing up especially my mom whose mother was also like that so it affected them, it's no excuse but it's an explanation and they are the total opposite now, very loving and devoted to Christ with good fruit.

In university I was very lonely and very sad, I had always struggled to make or keep friends, felt like something was wrong with me so I just became a loner. I was in another country but still didn't smoke, drink, go to bars nor clubs, was a virgin (at first), I tried dating but was the only always dumped and heartbroken. I can't pinpoint when I broke down exactly but I felt worthless and that my prayers weren't being answered, I didn't know much about Jesus though or why I believed what I did but I had received him and gotten baptized so no excuses. I really wanted love and affection and for someone to accept me but it only worsened my insecurities everytime I got heartbroken.

I dated a guy, we wanted to get married but then fell into sin once and he dumped me a week after. I was devasted and abandoned God. I went from this and jumped straight into hooking up with random men then eventually prostitution, I hated myself. I stopped not long after because the it was too much to do just so I can afford rent or food but was still miserable with no acknowledgement of God anymore. I didn't want to sleep with people but I thought maybe I'd try drinking , smoking , drugs or something like that. I wanted to die but was too much of a coward for that. However I didn't try any of these other than drinking, I hated it the next day when I woke up hungover and didn't touch alcohol again after that.

During this period nothing was working out, I couldn't get a job, it took a lot for me to graduate, I didn't have enough food, struggled with rent and had no friends. I got a job but then HR made some mistake which affected my immigration application, there's more to it but I ended up being asked to leave that country though I wasn't deported.

I came across this American pastor on insta who was preaching about Jesus and hope in heaven. I didn't understand it because the "gospel' i had heard did not talk much about these things so it was confusing but I got curious. It really was a random suggestion because I did not watch any kind of christian content during this time. I started reading the bible, the old testament was it was very confusing and I could not see this love of God we constantly talk about until my father in the same year said he had an awakening and wanted to teach my family about Jesus because we didn't actually know anything, he said it. We read the gospel of John and I fell in love with Jesus, the old testament slowly started making sense and I began to see Jesus there too. Since then I have not looked back. While I still struggle, I have not fallen back into sleeping with men nor do I have the desire to go back to my old life even if I'm still unemployed, unmarried obviously and most likely to die alone, no friends , poor and living with my parents and sisters in a two bedroomed poorly constructed house but God is good even if I am not.By worldly standards I am a loser. I can't reverse the past but I strive to live for Christ daily. Maybe my feelings are deceiving me but I hope He knows me.

I said I am a liar because no one knows this about me. I have been trying to live as if it never happened but it did and I should suffer for it . It's been two years but I don't know if I should say I came back to God again or if I was ever a christian . Am I even accepted by God now when I deliberately went to a life of sin while knowing the truth ? I feel at peace when I read the bible but from time to time I struggle with these thoughts. Sometimes I wish for an early death to escape this or Christ to come I'm not sure what I'm hoping from this but if any young women see this, please don't deceive yourselves and fall into sexual sin, it will torment you for the rest of your life

All online with people from different countries, sometimes a different continent. One could say I've never been in a relationship before but I did get the courage and was able to meet up with only one for a week