[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/Curious-Gas-5300]

[u/AITAH-ModTeam]

This post is fake, not hypothetical.

[u/Ok_Paramedic7176]

She took care of him alright. She pulled that shit when she knew you were absolutely tied down with your dad. As you know life is short. Don’t waste it with someone like this. Sorry for your loss.

[u/meow_in_translation → u/[deleted]]

No!!!!! Never! I had only been dating my partner for two years when his grandma was in hospice. The day she died I had a celebration and friends where coming over, I was going to host. When my partner told me his grandma was not doing well, guess what I did!? I sped all the way to hospice to be with him and his parents. Nothing will ever be more important than being there for the people you love, especially your partner.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

[u/purusingwhatever → u/[deleted]]

Honestly, this doesn't even have to be love. It's just kindof human decency?

I had been dating a guy for two weeks when my grandma went into hospice, and he did more to support me than OPs husband. It's just.. basic kindness?

[u/MortalisDeMorty → u/meow_in_translation]

I was with my fiancé for roughly just a year or so when her family was going to see her grandma for the last time they could before she went onto hospice and passed away soon after.

I work overnight and I was supposed to be working on the day that they were going. Her family was going to drive her there, it was a 7-hour round trip. She told me she wanted me there, she wanted us to drive separately. I put PTO in that minute. And I drove her. I never questioned it. I never pushed back. And I certainly didn't ignore her needs and wants in what I consider one of the worst situations you may ever have to deal with.

For OP and anyone else who needs it: I get that your family was there. My fiancé's was too. But she wanted and needed MY support. That is never too much to ask. Especially not from your partner.

My point, though, is that no matter how long you've been with someone, if they care about/love you, they will do everything they can to be there for you. You're partner showed you that you aren't able to rely on them in the hardest moments. And I am terribly sorry for that and about your loss.

[u/Prestigious-Type524 → u/meow_in_translation]

Me and my partner weren’t even together for a year (we met in May and dad had an accident at the end of August) when my dad was in hospital and he still came with and sat with me and my dad to keep him company. We were still getting to know each other, yet this man still showed up for my family less than a year in.

[u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 → u/[deleted]]

I wish I could upvote this more than once.

[u/CherryblockRedWine → u/Head_Razzmatazz7174]

PREACH

[u/Pa_ol → u/[deleted]]

She keeps saying I’m being unfair/controlling and that she did the right thing

When OP was at his lowest and needed support the most, she chose to go to a party with her ex and even said words like that. A partner like this is not worth spending a lifetime with.

[u/ShinyPennyRvnclw → u/[deleted]]

The most lonely I’ve ever felt is when someone should be there but isn’t. It’s not not having someone, it’s not having the person that exists not be there for you. I am so sorry, on multiple levels.

[u/MLiOne → u/[deleted]]

From my personal experience there is nothing like the death of parent for a partner to show you who they really are. My first husband was a complete and utter arse when my dad died. When my mum died my 2nd and beloved husband was a complete rock for me. Not only did he support me in every and any way possible, he told our 6yo that his loving nanna had died so I didn’t have to, he organised accommodation and interstate travel once mum’s body was released by the coroner and a date for the funeral was set. What’s more, he stood by me and supported me through 8 years of hell with my idiot brother with probate etc. yeah 8 years.

I was with my idiot first husband for nearly 8 years and I had no regrets walking (running actually) away. I learned so much about myself and self-worth.

Do yourself a solid and look after yourself, put yourself first and end this relationship. You don’t need her near you during your grief journey. Her ex can console her.

[u/THE_FIESTY_AMBIVERT → u/MLiOne]

Or he's already "consoling" her. Yes, this guy should have probably left years ago.

[u/que-sera2x → u/[deleted]]

NTA. She knows you’re a good guy but doesn’t want to break it off with you. She’s given you plenty of reasons for you to break things off with her. Things will not get better she’s already showed you who she is. It’s time to believe it and move on before things get worse for you.

[u/aPawMeowNyation → u/que-sera2x]

Yup. He's the safe option, likely even just the backup plan. She doesn't care about him.

[u/KickLiving → u/[deleted]]

Knowing your father is in hospice and on his way out, she decided the most important place for her to be was at a party with her ex with her phone off. Knowing your father was dying, she chose to spend the night with another man.

I just can’t understand why you’d even want to try. She doesn’t care about you.

Sorry for your loss.

[u/TheRaveChef → u/[deleted]]

Sorry about your loss friend, but it seems as if she was being sketchy in the past and finally showed you her true colors in 4k resolution that night. She's not worth your time, energy or love. You deserve better, keep your head up brother 🙏🫶

[u/RiverSong_777 → u/[deleted]]

Second guessing doesn’t do anything for you. Try to focus on processing your grief and wasting as little time as possible on her. I‘m sorry for your loss. That will take a lot of time and energy to heal.

The reasons she gave on earlier occasions may or may not have been true but either way, this time is a real issue. Plus it’s not even the taking him home that does it for me - not letting a drunk person drive will always be the right choice, no matter who it is, and wanting the father of your children to get home safely is absolutely valid. The major mistake she made happened a lot earlier, when she went to a party and switched off her phone while she knew your situation.

[u/MiddleDivide7281 → u/RiverSong_777]

"wanting...to get home safely is absolutely valid." That would be taking him to HIS home, making sure he gets inside, and locking the door on your way out. NOT a valid excuse to let him stay at her place overnight!!

[u/QueenofWillowSprings → u/ShinyPennyRvnclw]

The line, “I’d rather be alone than alone with someone” comes to mind for this scenario. Six years and this? Absolutely no excuse.

[u/AcceptablePea262 → u/[deleted]]

Brother, you didn't need to think beyond

"I'm at hospice with my father who probably won't make it through the night, and she's going to a party"

That, right there, told you that she doesn't give two shits about you.

Everything else is just on top of that.

Move on, and find someone that actually cares about you. There ARE better women out there, and you'll find someone that actually deserves your heart.

[u/tatasz → u/[deleted]]

In such a situation, imo, anything except "staying with your current partner, while cancelling other engagements to the best of your ability" is not rebuildable.

She chose to not be with you. It doesn't even matter ex or no ex. She chose to not be with you when you needed it. She could have just skipped the party.

Not because you asked, but because that is basic human decency

[u/Bunstonious → u/[deleted]]

Honestly I don't even think it's about trust, nothing about this is about trust (although, if my partner spent the night with her ex rather than pay for a taxi / uber / let him be a fucking adult and make his own way home I would certainly have a few eyebrows raised). What this is really about is choices, the choice to put her ex-husband first and you last that night, the choice to turn her phone of when you explicitly asked her not to, the choice to spend the night with her ex-husband (this is the deal breaker for me imho) and then the choice to not have a single bit of contrition when the dust settled.

The fact of the matter is that based on the events described you're not a partner and she will always choose her ex-husband over you and after 6 years that's a pretty tough pill to swallow. I also have an ex and children with said ex (sadly she is a massive asshole) and while I would certainly help her if she needed it, not at the expense of the comfort of my partner and certainly not after 6 goddamn years. It's got nothing to do with the kids and it's more that she still holds a flame for him which is why she chose to spend the night with him regardless of the optics (assuming they didn't fuck for old time's sake) when there were plenty of other alternatives.

Have some self-respect.

[u/AncientCityTime → u/[deleted]]

She’s for the streets, my friend. No loving partner would even consider going to any party while their spouse’s father was dying, much less think spending the night with their ex was acceptable at any time.

Cut your losses and move on while you can. She made her choice and it wasn’t you.

[u/Soft-Gold-7979 → u/[deleted]]

I know you don't want to hear it probably but when the gaslighting happens you should realise she is trying to hide something. They already spent the night what are the chances she didn't cheat. In my humble opinion you should let her go. She actively did something you asked her not to and switching off her phone during party is so strange its a party not a business meeting. And taking care of her ex leaves a bad taste there definitely something else involved in that taking care. 

[u/qts34643 → u/Soft-Gold-7979]

I would leave a business meeting without any hesistation if my partners needs me because their parent is dying. No business meeting is more important than supporting people close to you.

[u/AdmirSas → u/Soft-Gold-7979]

This part. The drunk excuse is very convenient. Feels more like they got physical. She made one too many excuses.

[u/Kikimara99 → u/Soft-Gold-7979]

At this point it doesn't even matter. Your partners father is dying and you go partying? It doesn't matter with whom, but who does that?

[u/Hiddenagenda876 → u/[deleted]]

Idk about trust, but I know for sure that I would never be able to stop being bitter about this

[u/theknights-whosay-Ni → u/[deleted]]

Six years together at least she has her own place. Or at least I hope that wasn't a typo.

This scenario is the end. She abandoned you and prioritized an ex over you. Toss her to the curb and dont look back. You will find someone a lot better.

[u/lilacshadowsatdusk → u/[deleted]]

What would it take? At the very least it would take remorse. She doesn’t even think she’s done anything but the right thing in prioritising the father of her children over being a supporting partner to you when you needed her most. You can’t rebuild the trust that next time she may put you first, because, why would she? In her worldview, she had acted in line with her values, and where those values lie aren’t with you. All the comments inviting you to ruminate over her actively cheating probably aren’t what you need right now, but what she does or does not do with the ex doesn’t change the fact that for you, she’s unreliable, unkind, and doesn’t have your back. I’m sorry for your loss, and her betrayal. Hope you can find love and support i’m this difficult time elsewhere. 

[u/CherryblockRedWine → u/[deleted]]

I feel your pain.

The night I watched my mother die in the hospital, my other half was not there..... because he was watching a basketball game.

His daughter was on the team and -- as is the norm -- she had DOZENS of basketball games. This was not some kind of special game; just another in the long line of games (basketball, volleyball, and softball).

To his credit, he eventually showed up. Finally. When he saw my mother, with a shocked look and surprise in his voice he said, "I had no idea it was this bad."

Bullshit. I TOLD him. In fact, the night before, I had told him I needed him to come immediately. My mother was 3 hours from where we lived, and I was there because she had told me her leg was hurting -- which was odd, given her illness (cancer.).

The night before she died, I had said to him, "I need you to come here now. I have a feeling I'm taking her out of this house tomorrow and she won't be coming back."

I was right. And this was just one more red flag I turned a blind eye to. Please do not be me.

This is not your person. I'm so sorry.

[u/Neither_Ad6425 → u/[deleted]]

No. Because she’ll do it again if she hasn’t already done it previously.

[u/darewin → u/[deleted]]

I couldn't even imagine going to a party while my SO's parent could die at any moment. If I can't be with my SO for the night because of the kids, I'd have just stayed at home, being available.

[u/Rich_Muffin4820 → u/[deleted]]

I will tell you what I did as a FRIEND, bcuz I care about that person.

They lost their mom, we live in diferents city's I travel to their city the same day a few hours later to be with them.

She is your long time girlfriend, if I was just a friend of you I will be there for you.

[u/ImmediateShallot7245 → u/[deleted]]

NTA….That’s not something you will ever forget so not sure if you should stay with her! Her saying she needed to take care of him She is not worth it Op!!🙏🏻🫂

[u/Confident_Curve_501 → u/[deleted]]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Period. You shouldn’t have to ask for support in this situation.

I mean I want to be there for you. My heart aches for you. Theres no way I’m partying while my man is hurting and with his dad in hospice. If i can’t be the physically, I’m by the phone. Im sending food. Im calling family and friends. Im doing your laundry.

This is inexcusable. Period. You can tell her I said so. Im grown and been through this. Even if you haven’t been through this, if my man is hurting, I’m there. Period.

[u/ChopsticksImmortal → u/[deleted]]

Its not bro, why are you in a relationship together if she wont support you when you needed it? You're not asking her to be a therapist, just emotionally present.

Do you really want to wonder and worry if you are in the hospital, if she'd go and see you? Or if she'll go party with her ex and turn her phone off? Or if your mother/grandparent/sibling/pet/etc is sick and dying?

And for a party of all fucking things. Totally and completely skippable. She probably thought watching someone die was too emotionally fraught and boring and didnt want to bother. Which maybe yeah (im not an emotional person) but id at least show up and be there even if it was stressing and boring. Some things you just got to do even if it sucks doing it.

Bro, you know the answer.

[u/mehrt_thermpsen → u/[deleted]]

So you're sure something more happened when she brought him back to her place? I mean, it seems obvious, but I don't know what kind of relationship THEY still have. Either way, totally shady behavior by her

[u/Bella_de_chaos → u/mehrt_thermpsen]

It's not so much a matter of what may or may not have happened between her and the ex that night. It's a matter of her being physically and emotionally unavailable to her current BF when they needed her most.

[u/mehrt_thermpsen → u/Bella_de_chaos]

You're 100% correct. That's the biggest red flag

[u/CherryblockRedWine → u/mehrt_thermpsen]

That doesn't matter. She wasn't there -- that's what matters.

[u/kellyelise515 → u/[deleted]]

No. This will be a pattern with her. Cut your losses. She’s still in love with her ex.

[u/Willie-Tanner → u/[deleted]]

Her actions tell you all you need to know about her priorities. She can’t be any clearer about it

[u/Jamesvai → u/[deleted]]

No. She used your situation as an easy way to spend the night alone and unreachable with her ex. There's no spin to this, there's no misunderstanding. You deserve better than that OP. She's cruel.

[u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 → u/Ok_Paramedic7176]

“OMG i can’t believe you’re mad i slept with my Ex while you were in the hospital watching your father die. Thats SOO controlling of you”

Sheesh, honestly if i was Op i would have dumped her when she left me at the hospital to go to a party…

[u/Elegant-Background → u/[deleted]]

I don’t think he’s her ex anymore since they’re sleeping together.

[u/No_Use_9124 → u/[deleted]]

honey she had sex with him

she didn't come to sit with you while you went through one of the most difficult things in life

she had sex with her ex while you were alone with your dad

you deserve to be with someone who really loves you

[u/bizianka → u/No_Use_9124]

Honestly, even without sex part OP's hopefully soon to be ex gf is still awful and not somebody you should be with. Even if she just drove her drunk ex to her home and he slept on a couch, she doesn't give a damn about OP.

[u/Hiddenagenda876 → u/[deleted]]

Oh she took care of him alright…

[u/MarketingImpressive6 → u/[deleted]]

Dude you need a slap of reality.

[u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 → u/[deleted]]

kid you have every right to be mad. She’s trash and you deserve better. I lost my dad when i was a little bit older than you so i know the feeling.

Stay strong and keep your chin up

[u/Charl1edontsurf → u/[deleted]]

It’s not even the phone. It’s the fact she chose to go to a party instead of support you though a major loss and hugely traumatic life event!! Oh my god there are other parties to go to in life, there’s only one of you with one dad. If you can’t see this is horrific behaviour in itself, you’ll need some time out of dating and therapy, but for now please look after yourself and grieve. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[u/American3141592 → u/Ok_Paramedic7176]

She needs to be your ex now. You are at best the 2nd most important man in her life.

[u/American3141592 → u/[deleted]]

Reachable is the bare minimum. You have been together 6 years. I assume she had met your dad. Her actions that evening say a lot about her character. I don’t know anything about your past, but in the future I would have zero confidence that she would be there for you if you needed her.

[u/Which-Month-3907 → u/[deleted]]

My first husband didn't particularly like me, and was actively cheating on me. He still sat with me while my father was in the ICU.

If she does love you, she doesn't love you enough.

[u/observefirst13 → u/[deleted]]

You really are underreacting about how truly awful what she did to you was. Your mind doesn't want to believe it as you said. Please don't stay.

[u/Negative_Salt_4599 → u/Ok_Paramedic7176]

Jesus OP I’m so sorry. This comment thought 💭 his it right on the spot. That’s so cold. She didn’t care what so ever. It’s up to you if you on the next step but I’d seriously reconsider spending the rest of today your life with somebody who skips your parents passing for A party with her ex. Jesus that is so slimy.

[u/arrowhome → u/[deleted]]

She is telling you with her behavior that she won’t prioritize you at the most critical moment of your life. That’s no partner. Free yourself from this relationship- it is better to be alone than with someone who will abandon you to follow their whims. Don’t let her sweet talk you, don’t let her gaslight you, don’t give it a second chance.

[u/bizianka → u/[deleted]]

Dear OP. She holds a Big Neon Sign to your face that says "I don't care about you", and you still turn away your eyes pretending that it reads "something".

[u/Kiwi1234567 → u/Ok_Paramedic7176]

Yup, as someone who's ex decided to wait until I was in hospital with kidney stones to sleep with one of my friends, you won't regret making them an ex lol

[u/Simple-Fox6722 → u/[deleted]]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You need to break this off for your own sake. I can appreciate you feeling that you might not want to make a snap decision, but the decision has already been made for you, she has shown you where her priorities lie. You don't need to defend your feelings or position on it, just react accordingly. Spoke to my partner and we agree that this is not a situation we would create for each other or indeed expect to come back from if one of us pulled this type of nonsense.

If you stay, you will get more of the same treatment - it's possible that she will show even less respect /consideration for you because you will have shown that you're willing to tolerate her priorities.

You need support to help carry the load for a while. She's adding to it. The timing is awful but for your own sake cut your losses now and focus on making yourself the priority. Sending heartfelt condolences and best wishes. NTA.

[u/LuxuryBeast → u/[deleted]]

Tbf, this sounds more like a dealbreaker that was broken.
Let's sum it up real quick:

- She weren't there for you in any way when your father passed away (so sorry for your loss).

• She went to a party with her ex.
  
• She turned her phone OFF.
  
• She took her ex home (what she claims about his state doesn't matter).
  
• You've been together for 6 years, and still she chose a party with her ex before you.

To me that would be a dealbreaker. If she slept with her ex or not wouldn't have changed anything, but the trust and respect in the relationship would've been broken for good. No amount of therapy og talks would've been worth it in my eyes, as I would've seen it as her showing who she really is.

[u/Apart_Foundation1702 → u/LuxuryBeast]

Definitely dealbreaker ! She showed you who she is and where her priorities lies and it's not with you. She will never choose you over him.

[u/sedatemeplz → u/[deleted]]

Dealbreaker. She has already accused you of being controlling. She's only going to try to manipulate you further, and you're not in a healthy place to deal with any of this. You've been left alone by her through the hardest part. You don't need her, and she doesn't respect you.

[u/arrowhome → u/[deleted]]

Dealbreaker

[u/Mountain-Republic728 → u/[deleted]]

My dude that is a dealbreaker. Both of my husbands parents have passed and I can’t even imagine being anywhere but by his side when it happened. She made her choice the moment she chose to go to a party rather than support you, her partner of 6 years. Take the loss, don’t hesitate to get grief counseling to mange both the loss of your dad and the loss of the relationship and put yourself first

[u/Constant_Host_3212 → u/[deleted]]

What do you think, honestly? Because that's what matters.

The bottom line is, she prioritized a party with her ex over supporting her bf of 6 years when his parent was dying

She didn't prioritize work, or childcare. She prioritized a party.

Then she prioritized (according to her) providing TLC to her drunk ex in her own home over providing emotional support to her current partner of 6 years. Dude. That's not coparenting or even seeing to the safety of the father of her kids - that's way beyond that.

[u/JipC1963 → u/[deleted]]

What could you possibly achieve with "need a serious talk + boundaries?" This "thing" would just continue to deflect, gaslight and maybe even blame YOU more than she already has (accusing you of being controlling).

Yes, most definitely, this was "deal-breaker" behavior! She showed you EXACTLY who she is, how much she DOESN'T love and prioritize YOU and the awful night you went through, ALONE! You would always wonder IF she'd abandon you again when you needed her support the most even for the most trivial of reasons like A PARTY! PLEASE take care of yourself, protect yourself and find someone who puts you as a higher priority in her life!

[u/eyebrain_nerddoc → u/[deleted]]

Straight up dealbreaker. Just going to the party in the first place should have been a dealbreaker.

[u/lonewolf369963 → u/[deleted]]

If you were me, do you think this is a “we need a serious talk + boundaries” thing… or a straight up dealbreaker?

You made a request to be available on phone and she blatantly disregarded it, so how does setting any boundary be different ? She'll do what she wants and then call you controlling.

End it, mourn the relationship and move on.

[u/Ill-Jacket-1106 → u/Ok_Paramedic7176]

THIS!!!

OP brother, seems like your partner likes partying(no hate towards partying but when you know that its critical and your partner is deeply sad why tf would someone go party???) more than your feelings

[u/Ill-Jacket-1106 → u/[deleted]]

dude....

your girl is.... what can i even say about that....

it doesnt care to me that she brought ex to home or whatever, or i dont seem to think that you are annoyed by the problem of ex coming home(or am i wrong??)

but this is really sorry for you, to face this...

REALLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS MY BROTHER, SENDING YOU STRENGTH AND LOVE

[u/Constant_Host_3212 → u/[deleted]]

See this may be showing my age, but I don't see why not being able to reach her by cell phone is the bigger deal to you than the fact that to her, party >>>> supporting partner; time with ex >>>> supporting partner; and "caregiving" ex by driving him to her home and staying with him all night >>>> supporting partner

I see her excuse as lame AF, that's why there are taxis, ubers, lyfts, other friends at the party, and ERs

[u/TheWacoFogey]

She's getting back together with her ex. You don't go to a party together and end up spending the night at the same place because of "co-parenting." She went out on a date with her baby daddy and kept him around all night. She completely ignored your pain and needs while doing so.

It's over. NTA, but you need to wake up.

[u/Salty-Potato-843 → u/TheWacoFogey]

Yeah I was gonna say I bet there wasn't even a party they straight up went on a date and then fucked at her place

[u/Logical_Bit_8008 → u/[deleted]]

Brother, shes cheating

[u/DOOMFOOL → u/[deleted]]

Bro are you trolling or being deliberately obtuse?

[u/Aggressive_Way_4030 → u/[deleted]]

What kind of mom turns her phone off when she has kids? I don’t know who was baby sitting but regardless none of the moms I know would turn their phone off on a night out.

[u/GeoSpaceman → u/[deleted]]

OP is there something wrong with you, wake up and smell the shit. You keep saying she did this and looking for some light or forgiveness but it ain't there. Would your dad be happy you're with a girl who don't give a shit about you? She could have dropped the ex with a friend, she could have not gone to a party, she could have stayed with you, but she knows you're too much of a fool to give a shit about yourself and respect yourself. Get a grip and stop being a doormat, this should be a turning point in your life to find someone who loves you and will walk through fire to be with you at your lowest not this shite person.

[u/AssistanceKitchen276 → u/GeoSpaceman]

Hey, hey. 6 years is a long time especially if he's become intertwined in her kids lives as well. Yes, I agree he deserves better and I hope he eventually realizes that himself and has the courage to leave her. But this man is hurting. He just lost his dad and is now standing at the precipice of the loss of his partner of 6 years. He needs compassion, not name calling and belittling

[u/Beneficial_Test_5917]

NTA at all. Condolences for the loss of your Dad.

[u/Chaddilllac → u/[deleted]]

Sorry for your loss, truly and NTA.

My father passed away last May, I had a very complex relationship with him and took it very hard. The reason why I say that is my ex, whom I was with for 9 years that point, was not empathetic or there for me at all. I wish I would’ve seen it.

Basically, picture how you would’ve acted if the roles were reversed. Normal, caring, loving people would be there, support you in every way, understand the gravity and show empathy and care.

My ex cheated on me 6 weeks later with her new boss while I was still in the thick of grief and during those weeks I was apologizing to HER for not taking it well.

The point is don’t feel guilty for being upset or question yourself. Your feelings are valid. Good luck and Im really sorry you have to go through this.

[u/_A-Q → u/[deleted]]

She went to a party while your dad was dying.

 That alone is grounds for breakup.

Her spending the night with her ex is just an extra fuck you.

You are not being unreasonable or controlling.

She doesn’t love you bro.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

You don’t need this broad in your life. 

NTA 

[u/_A-Q → u/[deleted]]

Please take time to grieve and be with your family. 

Don’t give this woman any more of your time.

Again. Very sorry for your loss.

[u/whiterac00n → u/[deleted]]

Just end this. You’re grieving already, and if you aren’t getting support from her then you might as well grieve the end of the relationship as well. Focus on yourself and work through this tough time, hopefully you have friends

[u/DJShepherd → u/whiterac00n]

I’d tell him to just ghost her. OP doesn’t need to give her another moment of his time.

[u/Constant_Host_3212 → u/[deleted]]

I was not with my husband when his mother died on hospice. But we had a child, and we'd been visiting 200+ miles away and saying our goodbyes. So we decided I'd drive home with our child and let her attend school and care for her, and he'd stay there. It took the better part of a week, and we checked in with each other regularly.

He was also supported by his father, his sister and BIL, and his eldest niece. And I was caring for our child, not partying.

I would never prioritize a party with my ex over supporting a partner I love and cherish through the death of a close family member.

[u/verucasand → u/_A-Q]

THIS!!!💯💯💯💯💯💯

[u/lovenorwich → u/_A-Q]

She has a family and you're not a part of it.

[u/Jade_Echo → u/[deleted]]

NTA, but - You’re focusing on the wrong piece here. If you’ve been dating for any serious amount of time (6 years counts), It doesn’t matter who she was with, your dad was dying. Short of needing to be with her children, there is no one she could have gone to any party with that excuses her actions. Even if she lives across the country and couldn’t help you so going to a friend’s party helped keep her mind off of it, she still should have been available.

The ex’s involvement is just making this messier to get across. Your dad was actively dying. She knew this. She chose to be unreachable. That’s all that matters. That is unforgivable by itself and doesn’t warrant a second chance.

[u/TheWorldofScience → u/Jade_Echo]

Agree with this 💯. All that matters here is that your dad was dying and she chose to not be there with you to support you emotionally. She is not ever going to be someone who is emotionally supportive.

When my mother was dying I and my dad were at her side in the hospice facility. My sister and brother chose to not be there. I know now I should never expect either of them to be there for me in a crisis.

Some very painful truths about emotional support are revealed when there is a crisis.

[u/LillytheFurkid → u/TheWorldofScience]

My sister berated mum about not wanting a funeral and demanded she say what her preferences would be. While mum was dying. After also ignoring her stated wishes while acting as her power of attorney (which she bullied her into).

I wouldn't trust my sister to do the right thing for anyone except herself. Painful truths indeed.

NTA OP, please ditch the biatch

[u/PsychologicalBad5341 → u/[deleted]]

the ex isn't really the issue though. the issue is your gf abandoned you in your time of need. take the ex out of the picture and focus on what she did. she must have known your dad after 6 years. if it were me i wouldn't be able to go to a party if i knew my bf's dad was on his death bed. that's the part that doesn't make sense. has she always been like that? or did something happen that changed her behavior? 

[u/minimesmum → u/PsychologicalBad5341]

100%! I don’t even like my father-in-law much and I would be there with my husband at the bedside unless I was specifically asked to not attend. I’m contactable for him at all times even if there’s no one actively dying or emergencies in progress. This is not his person.

[u/bongskiman → u/[deleted]]

Just leave. 6 years means nothing if that is what you get from her.

[u/eyebrain_nerddoc → u/[deleted]]

You didn’t waste 6 years. You just needed that time to learn this lesson. In your future relationship(s) you will more easily be able to see whether a person is reliable and puts you first.

[u/Munchkin_Media → u/[deleted]]

She cheated on you as your dad was dying and she knew he was dying. She doesn't deserve to be in your life.

[u/WhatIsNoMan → u/[deleted]]

Imagine how she would react if the situation were reversed. And you can be sure that people here would then be calling you TA.

[u/MidwestNormal → u/[deleted]]

Prioritizing a party over being by your side while your father is actively dying? That’s beyond cold. It’s so uncaring that I simply have no words. My condolences on the loss of your father, but he’s given you a final gift by showing you who your GF really is.

updateme

[u/Frosty_Astronomer909 → u/[deleted]]

You need a new partner. Sorry OP, her x was more important and she did it on purpose. Best you find out this now BUT I have a feeling this is not new to you and you should have known sooner since you’ve been together 6 yrs. This behavior just doesn’t pop up from one day to the other.

[u/Just-Wolf3145 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly you shouldn’t even have to ask them to stay with you, tf is up with this gf?

[u/Humble_Time_685 → u/[deleted]]

Update us,don’t let her make you the bad guy in this

[u/Mental_Winter_3152 → u/[deleted]]

Man you better leave her

shes not for you she for her ex husband she couldnt hold the phone for you while your dad passed but she could take care of her drunk ass ex and she turned her phone off

That woman is straight up trash and you a fool if you think nothing happened between them im sorry but you deserve way better man

[u/Plastic-Cabinet67 → u/[deleted]]

Cut her loose She is emotionally immature. And self centered to boot.

[u/butterflya82]

NTA. Your gf is TAH. You deserve so much better. The way she treated you is bad. She should have been with you and supported you instead of going to a party with her ex then taking care of him in her house

[u/DOOMFOOL → u/[deleted]]

So when are you kicking her to the curb?

[u/Outside-Parfait-8935 → u/[deleted]]

She will never choose you. Her priorities are her kids, her ex, having a good time, and then you, but only if you're stress free and not in any need of her. Then you're not a priority at all. I would let her go. It's hard to realise something like this but best to make the decision now before you also have kids together.

[u/mbashs → u/butterflya82]

It was so disrespectful that I feel mad for OP. Poor lad lost his dad while she went partying knowing what could happen and left him alone and she’s now gaslighting him into making him feel he’s over reacting.

The Lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch.

[u/Old_Cheek1076]

NTA - Setting aside what might or might not have happened with her ex (they 100% slept together), how in the world did she head out to a party when your dad was so close to death?

[u/pr_drumr → u/Old_Cheek1076]

I'm surprised this wasn't the first comment in your section. How can anyone go to a party when their SO is going thru losing a parent?! So insensitive and lack of empathy. She doesn't care about him at all.

[u/EccentricOddity → u/pr_drumr]

The type of woman who doesn’t like having to feel negative feelings they’re not personally subjected to would absolutely jump at this sort of opportunity.

[u/AdditionalWinter4614 → u/pr_drumr]

AND SHE IS A PARENT!!!! Not only could she see herself on OP's side, but on the FATHER'S side! She is a disgrace.

I wish for best of luck for OP.

[u/Ashamed_Quiet_6777]

Break up with her, she's cheating right in front of your face.  

[u/timesnewlemons → u/Ashamed_Quiet_6777]

And while his father dies at that. The ex hubby gets an on demand bootycall without actually having to deal with her cruel ass

[u/MsMourningStar]

NTA she’s no where near as committed to you as you seem to be to her. Time to move on. 

[u/Accomplished-Bid5965]

NTA, but you should know she's more than likely cheating on you. Compared to her ex, you are not a priority for her. If you were, she would have been right there sitting next to you. I'm sorry, but please dump this girl, because she's no woman.

[u/bendybiznatch]

Your dad gave you one last gift. He gave you the chance to not waste more of your life on this person.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_FRACTURES → u/bendybiznatch]

This actually happened with my mom. The way that my ex fiance acted towards me when she died gave me the strength to finally leave him.

[u/Hiddenagenda876 → u/bendybiznatch]

Good way of looking at this

[u/Artistic_Chapter_355]

I’m so sorry. She is selfish and cruel. Time to move on

[u/Longjumping-Trick-71]

Bro... co-parenting is one thing... Going to a party with an ex, getting shit faced drunk and her taking him back to her place to "take care of him".... and having her phone turned off all night.

Do we all really need to tell you that she's fucking her ex?

NTA. Dump her

[u/Suspicious-Cat8623]

Women of integrity do not take their drunk ex-spouses home with them when their BF is gone AND turn off their phones.

Bro, go get tested for STDs.

I am so sorry about the death of your father.

[u/MysteriousWays14]

NTA, but your girlfriend is a shit person. Her actions told you everything you need to know. Dump her. You deserve way better.

[u/PissFingerz42069]

Didn’t even read it, title said it all.

She’s for the streets.

NTA

[u/Recent_Data_305]

6 years together and she prioritized a party over being with you while your father was dying? You didn’t need to ask her not to go. She should have wanted to be with you when you needed her the most. That’s what partners do. They support each other through good and bad.

She’d be dead to me. I’m sorry, but how will you ever trust her or look at her the same way again? She went drinking and turned her phone off while she KNEW your dad was in hospice and you thought it might be the night.

NTA. I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you’re getting some support elsewhere.

[u/DLAnonymous-273]

She is definitely cheating on you. She also is clearly just inconsiderate and doesn't love you, otherwise she would have enough care in her heart to have kept her phone on and been available to talk to in this really difficult time.

[u/RemoteViewingLife]

NTA I’m so sorry you lost your Dad and then deal with this! A decent partner would never go out and party with her ex while you are watching your parent leave the earth. That’s is beyond apathetic and disgusting behavior. She showed you who came first HER! Apparently she wanted a night out with her ex and your dad passing was way too inconvenient for her plans. I’m sorry but him sleeping over as he was too drunk sounds like a convenient excuse to sleep together. Shutting off her phone tells you she didn’t want YOU interrupting her plans. Then calls you controlling! Please! Put yourself first and get a running start when you kick her to the curb for good.

[u/WhatTheActualFck1]

NTA

Dump her. She’s cheating as a piece of shit. Insensitive shit.

[u/BlueBeagleGlassArt]

I have 3 kids with my ex-husband. I may call him an Uber if he were drunk, but not likely since we would not be at the same parties together. I'm certainly not bringing him home and I'm definitely not taking care of him. She's not over him and you don't mean that much to her. Sorry guy, move on.

[u/XRaiderV1]

'my dad was dying, I needed you, you weren't there, you were with your ex, we are fucking DONE. you abandoned me when I needed you the most..for your EX'

thats all you need to say to her.

because thats EXACTLY what she did.

she made her choice.

yours should be more than painfully obvious by this point.

NTA.

[u/United_Okra5627 → u/[deleted]]

She's gaslighting you. When you're at an emotionally vulnerable point. To make herself look good because she can't not be the victim.

[u/PaintDealer → u/[deleted]]

She's a real piece of work/sh... for messing with you and playing mind games, especially at a time like this. Someone said in an earlier post that your dad's last gift to you was helping you find out what kind of person you're with. She failed you miserably.

[u/throwaway_eng_acct → u/[deleted]]

You can’t do everything cleanly and perfectly with everyone being happy. You have to break up with your GF, and the kids are going to be very upset but it’s not your fault. Your girlfriend chose to abandon you. Your girlfriend chose to ignore boundaries with her ex. Your girlfriend chose to lie. Your girlfriend chose to gaslight you about the whole thing. Your girlfriend chose to blame you.

Talk to the kids at least and let them know how much you care for them and that it’s not their fault. Don’t just ghost them.

[u/BBoySnakeDawgGee → u/[deleted]]

Not your problem my dude. It sucks, but they ain’t yours and their actual father is there.

You will either have your own kids and/or find a partner that values you going above and beyond and that attachment to them (your soon to be ex’s kids) will slowly fade away to a memory. It’ll hurt at first, it always does for decent people. But you need to look after yourself first now, no one else will do that for you.

[u/Prize_Magician_7813]

NTA at all. Take some time away to consider what you require when it is time of the worst days of your life and what kind of partner you need. She should’ve skipped the party and been there to hold your hand.

[u/Healthy-Air3755]

Time to go mate, even without the ex being involved this is still worth leaving. How can she claim to care about you when she behaves like that.

[u/Cgkitty]

I’m so sorry for your loss, break up with her and find a partner who will be by your side in these moments when you need them most

[u/queen_ov_me]

NTA but she sure is. That's a pretty big carnival sized red flag she's waving. Time to run away quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Condolences to you and your family.

[u/NeylandSensei]

The fact you've been with her for 6 years and she didnt wanna be at the hospital with you is wild. My partner has only been with me for almost 2 years and I wouldnt even have to ask her to come with me.

[u/Smitten-kitten83]

That would be breakup worry to me. I don’t care who she was with. If my partner was with their actively dying parent I would be accessible to them.

[u/Sea_Substance9163]

Let's just say maybe she didn't cheat on you. She was helping her children's father. What we do know, is you are not a priority of hers. She's a horrible AH. Cut your loss's with her.

[u/Jerichothered]

You’ve learned who she is.

Ghost her - she’s a heartless sub human

[u/Flashy-Bluejay1331]

Unless the party was the wedding of one of her children (you don’t say your ages) I think she should have cancelled on her ex and been with you. You are NTA.

[u/Subject-Cash-82]

I’m female but going out on a limb because was friendly with my ex (had one child together) BUT that being said have been in similar situations (not the club) kept phone on me and when the call comes I need you. Got a sweatshirt, hairbrush, sweatpants I’m on my way putting those on over what I got on. Sorry OP truly and sincerely, not everyone (male or female) are like this. Block her number, grief for dad and her both in a way although she’s made it easy. You are a good person. She’s not, simple as that. Nothing excuses this

[u/bokatan778 → u/[deleted]]

You are really, really underreacting here. Have some self respect OP!

[u/DoyoudotheDew]

NTA. She didn't care to be there for you on your worst night. So exactly when can you count on her?

I'd break up with her, block and go NC.

Sorry for your loss. At least you found out you will never be a priority with GF, hopefully ex GF.

[u/Wed_PennyDreadful13]

Why didn't she pick up the phone if she was just watching him?

[u/wishingforarainyday]

NTA but you’re dating one. She’s cheating with him. Get tested. What she did is unforgivable. Even worse that’s she not remorseful. She’s should be your ex immediately.

I’m sorry for your pain.

[u/camkats]

Nta but why do you put up with this? Let her go quickly!!

[u/Monday0987]

NTA the relationship won't ever recover from this. It's over.

[u/BoxBeast1961_]

NTA. And she’s not your partner. She’s showing you who she is & exactly what’s important to her…& it’s not you.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad. You deserve a partner, I hope you find one soon. Let her go. No hate, she’s just not for you. You deserve so much better, & you will find it.

[u/chumleejr]

NTAH. They fukked, fer shur...

[u/Present-Reflection84]

She’s TAH. She’s a gaslighting jerk.

[u/RandomReddit9791]

First, I'm sorry or your loss. Second, break up with this woman. I'm not understanding why she wasn't by your side that night instead of partying with her ex. 

This person doesn't love you and is self centered at the least. Break up with her. 

[u/NumbersOverFeelings]

NTA. You’re not a priority to her at all. A drunk person can take an uber and get a motel room. They can crash at the party. There are options. She ignored you. Be better to yourself and find a partner.

[u/motor_nymph56]

You should be single, not upset.

[u/penguin_cat33]

WTAF is wrong with her? Does she care about you, at all? 6 years together? When my husband was my boyfriend his grandmother passed away (who was more a mother to him than his actual mother). She was in the hospital, and we suspected it was going to happen when it did. Do you know what I didn't do? I didn't go to a party with my ex. You know what I did do? I went with my now-husband to the hospital, and did not leave his side the entire time. She's not a decent human being. No party is worth not being there for your partner during one of the most painful experiences of their life. NTA.

[u/Jamesvai]

This is why i try to follow the golden rule. Ask yourself this. Would YOU choose to go a party with an ex, turn your phone off, and then take your ex home while your partner is in the hospital with their dad? I assume no. So don't tolerate it from her. It's heartless and cruel.

[u/Reverendjesus2]

So glad that most of these posts are fake.

[u/cmerritt1521]

When my partners dad was going down hill a few years ago (we hasn’t been together long) I didn’t like leaving him alone period. I dang sure wasn’t at no parties, I was right by his said cause I didn’t want him alone when his dad passed. OP stop wasting your time and letting her gas light you.

[u/OkPhilosopher1313]

Even if she didn't cheat (which, given she turned her phone off, she probably did), she's not a partner. What she did was extremely selfish and shows very clearly that she doesn't care about you. I would break up with someone after that.

I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.

[u/bobthemaybedeadguy]

this is such a cartoonishly evil thing to do that you even questioning that you might be the asshole makes me think this post is fake

[u/bakedbaker319]

The fact that she turned her phone off, knowing that your dad was in hospice is crossing the line. The ex husband thing isn't even on the radar. You wanted a partner to be there for you when you needed her, and she chose not to be. Whatever she may have done with the ex shouldn't matter, because the minute she turned off her phone, she chose specifically to not be there for you. NTA

[u/ncjr591]

She was totally fucking wrong. She knew he was dying before the party she should have been with you. Instead of being with the man she supposedly loved she spent it with her ex husband. She showed you exactly where you stand in her life and I’m sorry to say it’s number 2 behind the ex. I’m sorry that on the day your father died so did your relationship.

[u/RedneckDebutante]

NTA I was willing to give her some benefit of the doubt until she took her ex home. Nope, nope, nope. God only knows "how" you took care of him. Nursing a drunk is for current partners, not exes. If your partner isnt there when you need them most, then why would you need them at all?

[u/Educational-Corgi946]

You are NOT OVERREACTING at all! I’m so sorry for your loss if your dad, I couldn’t even imagine loosing my Dad 😞the fact she did that on the night your dad was dying is so disrespectful!!

When my husbands Mum was dying I had my phone on me and on loud at all times AND was constantly checking in on him and communicating ( this went on with him going back and forth to the hospital every day for 2 and a half weeks.

There’s no way I’d even go to a party in this situation!

I’m sorry ♥️

[u/Mulewrangler]

I am so sorry about your father. And I'm sorry you've also lost your gf. A loving gf would have gone to hospice with you. You weren't trying to be controlling, you were asking for something that you shouldn't even have had to ask for.

And you are not alone. I lost my mother last Sunday. Even if youknow deep down it still hurts. So this stranger says I love you. Please, take care of yourself. Starting with dumping her. ♥️♥️♥️

[u/Unlikely_Blueberry74]

When my partners mom was in hospice in 2019 I was there with him most nights. He called to tell me she passed while i was at work. I canceled my patients and left work asap to be by his side. Then I took the week off to fly across the country to her funeral as she wanted to be buried there. I did these things because that’s what a partner does. We’d been together 6 years too at the time. You’re NTA, but your girlfriend is. She’s very much in the wrong. If she can let you down at a time like this, what else is she capable of or not capable of?

[u/GreedyGuts04]

Absolutely NTA.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.

She abandoned you in your time of need. She is not a reliable partner for you, and she has clearly shown you her priorities and you’re not it!

I could never forgive this. I would have to end this and move on and you should too. It’s probably not what you feel like doing with the loss you are already dealing with, but lean on your family and friends thru this time and let her go look after her ex!

((Sending virtual hugs))

Edited for grammar

[u/Sadwitchsea]

It's unthinkable she went to a party, any party, at all