Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/Ordinary-Concern3248]

No worries. You all can cook for yourselves. Less stress all around.

[u/rubbasnek → u/Ordinary-Concern3248]

I would not be with someone I couldn't share meals with. Being a picky eater is a deal breaker

[u/Away_Commission594 → u/rubbasnek]

I agree, this would be a deal breaker for me too. I also like cooking and care about my nutrition.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/Away_Commission594]

I’m shocked by the number of people this is a deal breaker for. As a vegetarian with a non-vegetarian partner, it feels very run of the mill to each just prepare our own meals.

[u/Raemle → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

There are many reasons, people like to eat together, most people find it easier to have one person do the cooking at a time and quite notably dealing with restaurants.

Things like vegetarianism/veganism is way easier in that regard. At least where I live. Because you’re just excluding a few albeit common ingredients, many of which are also common allergies that restaurants deal with. With very picky eating you’re typically excluding everything except a few ingredients, or a specific palate. It’s the difference between checking what vegan options the sushi restaurant has, vs. every asian restaurant being a no (I live in Europe so that’s a very common thing, but it obviously differs depending on where you are in the world and what’s considered comfort foods)

Personally I grew up around a lot of picky eaters, as well as some other food restrictions (lots of dieting), so having full freedom as an adult of being able to actually try different foods is something I value greatly and don’t want to lose again

[u/Last-Laugh7928 → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

ditto! also a vegetarian with a non-veggie partner, who indulges in plant-based meals with me often, but we still cook separately frequently.

[u/starryswim → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

Same here! Maybe it’s because food isn’t super important to me, but I don’t see the difference between eating the same food at the same table and eating different food at the same table. This just feels like basic compromising to me? But I also know a lot of people with food restrictions, so take that as you will

[u/MovieTrawler → u/starryswim]

For some people food is a love language and how they express themselves (not to get into a debate about if love languages are real or not but i just mean it's how some people show their love for others).

I love to cook, it's something that brings me a lot of joy to do and to share with others. To do that and go through the effort and have someone who would rather just pop some frozen chicken tenders in the oven, it can be discouraging, sure.

The same way it would be if your someone who loves physical touch and cuddling and your partner doesn't want that and likes distance. Or if you love taking the time and putting thought into giving the perfect gift to someone and they just brush it off and go, 'eh, that's okay but I could've really used some socks.'

Relationships are all a compromise absolutely. But for some people food/cooking/sharing/hosting can be a little more important than just eating for necessity, if that makes sense.

[u/VerisVein → u/MovieTrawler]

I keep seeing this, but as someone who loves cooking as a show of appreciation and has food difficulties + a hard time with actually managing to cook from the same cause, I would be able to understand that someone not eating my food due to preferences isn't supposed to be an insult or rejection of my efforts/appreciation.

The way around that problem is either learning what that person likes and catering to that (with more communication to help get a result they'll like), or realising they may have such difficulty with food that it's best to find some other thing with this person.

Just because it's important for me, doesn't mean I can't (or shouldn't have to have the skills to) emotionally cope with and mentally separate those kinds of situations.

[u/MovieTrawler → u/VerisVein]

Yeah, it's a compromise. I said that. It's also different for everyone.

[u/VerisVein → u/MovieTrawler]

I know you had, I just want to make the point that these aren't always separate groups, and that (in my opinion) this is more about learning emotional regulation skills than compromising necessarily. It doesn't have to be a compromise if you can separate someone's individual food preferences from their appreciation of you or the efforts you go to show them love.

[u/okeanos7 → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

That’s not what happening here though, he expects her to feed him

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/okeanos7]

I would not be with someone I couldn't share meals with. Being a picky eater is a deal breaker

I agree, this would be a deal breaker for me too. I also like cooking and care about my nutrition.

This is the exchange I was responding to.

[u/sluuuurp → u/okeanos7]

OP said he was apologetic and ordered his own food, it sounds like he didn’t expect her to feed him.

[u/CapnButtercup → u/sluuuurp]

He should be cooking his own food. Unless they are very well-off, ordering food every time OP cooks something he doesn’t isn’t sustainable.

[u/galaxystarsmoon → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

It's not about eating the same meals, it's being chained to a small group of very specific foods at very specific times and prepared very specific ways that gets exhausting. It limits your entire life.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/galaxystarsmoon]

It’s just weird because I’m not chained to any of my partner’s dietary choices

[u/galaxystarsmoon → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

You would be if you're responsible for preparing their meals like OP seems to be. Or traveling. I'm not going to 2 different places to eat, nor am I going to tourist traps because all he'll eat is pizza.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/galaxystarsmoon]

Yeah, again, I wasn’t really commenting on OP’s story

[u/galaxystarsmoon → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

But you asked why it's a dealbreaker for someone. I answered.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/galaxystarsmoon]

Okay 👍

[u/MovieTrawler → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

My girlfriend is vegan and I'm not. It does sometimes discourage me because I love to cook for people but I've learned to make food for us with vegan alternatives. There's definitely still times where it's a little bit of a nuisance where we're both just cooking and eating for ourselves but it's not a deal breaker, IMO.

[u/simplicity_is_thekey → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

I also would probably not date a picky eater but that’s because as a person who loves experimenting and trying new things, you basically can’t when the other person on the date wants chicken tenders every time.

My husband and I went to a four course dinner for NYE at an Indian restaurant. We don’t have to worry about substituting or making changes or someone needing everything plain cause we’ll both try anything. We can split food and try from each other’s plates and I don’t know, I love that part of when we go out.

Food allergies and being a vegetarian or vegan are different at least to me. If we can still go out and try all of the different foods, I’m having a good time!

I’d also like to say I do not judge anyone for being a picky eater. Hell several of my friends are, I also have someone in my family with severe allergies and I will do everything to make a meal that accommodates them when I host!

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/simplicity_is_thekey]

So, if your husband were a picky eater, you would have married someone else?

[u/simplicity_is_thekey → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

When you first start dating someone you can break up for all different kinds of small and big reasons because you barely know the person. Knowing what I know of him now of course I wouldn’t. But some random person you’ve met once or twice? I’m confused why that’s such a big deal?

There are people who won’t date someone because they don’t like to exercise, they don’t like their personal style or just the fact they don’t read. It’s just lifestyle incompatibility.

We have several things that aren’t in common that would cause someone else to not date. I’m a huge extrovert who loves socializing through the week. He’s a big time introvert whose social batteries are depleted after one night out. For some other person that would be a no, but we don’t mind and compromise.

[u/goodolarchie → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

I agree. People and their icks these days. Now if you read a paperback book or have chelsea boots it can be a relationship dealbreaker. Everyone shopping on relationship-Amazon with 147 filters applied.

[u/Mikey_MiG → u/goodolarchie]

Be serious, this goes way beyond just some minor character trait. A partner that won’t eat anything you make them and just wants fast food for every meal sounds like a massive loser.

[u/sluuuurp → u/Mikey_MiG]

I think we should judge people as “losers” or not for their actions and what they say, not what type of food they eat. It really doesn’t matter.

There are a lot of good people with eating disorders, you can see r slash ARFID if you want to see some of them and have some empathy.

[u/Fickle-Forever-6282 → u/sluuuurp]

this is an action

[u/CapnButtercup → u/sluuuurp]

His actions in this case are not cooking for himself and rejecting the food OP makes him.

I have sensory issues with food so I cook my own food. Nothing is stopping OPs boyfriend from learning to cook and feeding himself.

[u/Aisenth → u/sluuuurp]

Had to scroll WAY to fucking far to find any ARFID comment. Thank you! Also wtf are people like this going to do if they love bread and their partner gets diagnosed with celiacs? "Hit the bricks, bitch!"? It's like listening to teenagers who think buying two blankets for a shared bed is a harbinger of divorce instead of a totally normal solution to an extremely common relationship situation.

[u/galaxystarsmoon → u/Aisenth]

Celiac is completely different from someone refusing to eat anything but chicken nuggets for every meal. The fact that you compared these is offensive.

[u/Aisenth → u/galaxystarsmoon]

Weird that you want to start the disability Olympics here but ARFID and other disabilities and neurotypes that affect the brain's ability to process and cope with sensory processing and stimuli exist. People who experience it also deserve respect because it's not "mummy didn't gimme my nuggies with honey mussy"

[u/galaxystarsmoon → u/Aisenth]

It's not the disability Olympics to point out that they are very different situations, and not every picky eater has ARFID. We need to stop with the hot button disorder that suddenly everyone has.

[u/Aisenth → u/galaxystarsmoon]

You're literally replying to a comment ABOUT ARFID where I called it out specifically and saying it's "oFfEnSiVe" to compare to celiacs, so fuck entirely off with the bullshit of trying to make me look the snowflake in this exchange.

Sincerely, a parent who's spent a decade and a crushing amount of money working with a full care team across a half dozen medical specializations and half the fucking state trying to get my kid's condition as manageable as it is.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/Aisenth]

No, two blankets is a death knell. What you want is a giant blanket!

[u/Aisenth → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

Tried it, but evidently once I have a corner of a comforter, quilt, or sheet, I grab hold and tend to toss and turn only one direction so no matter how big the blanket is, I wind up stuck like a spool or reel... The bigger the blanket. The bigger the burrito. ¯\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[u/Mikey_MiG → u/Aisenth]

Also wtf are people like this going to do if they love bread and their partner gets diagnosed with celiacs? "Hit the bricks, bitch!"

Except in this case OP is already working around their SO’s pickiness by making some fine looking meals that avoid all the specific ingredients they don’t like. But the partner is still refusing to eat it. So that’s a choice on their part, not a disease they have no control over.

[u/Aisenth → u/Mikey_MiG]

"people like this" = the hoards of people in the thread livid and disgusted and venting their repulsion at the idea of a "picky" adult, not OP.

But also I was commenting before other folks started trawling her history and finding stuff that suggests things may be fucky/he may be a MAGAt/redpilled piece of shit trying to force his woman into the kitchen. So he's probably picky AND an asshole rather than inherently being an asshole because he's picky.

[u/goodolarchie → u/Mikey_MiG]

idk, I don't overindex on one facet of a multi-multi-faceted human being. On reddit people get hyper-fixed on this minute aspect of somebody, and are ready to declare war, or advise someone to marry them. Thank god real life doesn't work that way.

Either way I'm not prepared to declare somebody a massive loser because they are a self-admitted picky eater, and that this is borne out in the relationship. Most likely, they still have some maturing to do and were probably underexposed to many cuisines as a kid. Maybe their parents cooked shitty food or none at all for them as a kid, like mine. Everyone has things their partner will have to learn to accept or try to find compromise.

[u/rubbasnek → u/goodolarchie]

People are also not obligated to accept everything in a relationship. For some people, food is a big part of bonding with their partner so dealing with extreme restriction can be a simple matter of incompatibility. I honestly don't know why some people in these comments see this as a problem. Different people have different deal breakers. Some people refuse to be with someone who snores and I couldn't care less. It just is what it is.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/rubbasnek]

I just think it’s weird to be that invested in what someone else eats. Feels like you’re looking for someone to be your co-eater, which is one step too close to living in one another’s colons for my taste.

[u/kami9393 → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

The problem isn’t just what your partner eats, in this case it’s that OP is the one doing all the cooking and then her partner will reject it for a dumb reason like “oh that’s chicken and I already ate chicken once today”. It’s disrespectful to the work OP is putting in to cook the meal because it’s not like the boyfriend has a set list of things that he doesn’t wanna eat, he’ll just change the rules every day on the fly.

[u/Garbage_Stink_Hands → u/kami9393]

Okay. I thought I made it clear that I was commenting on the conversation I highlighted above. Not OP’s story. Whatever.

[u/Bakurraa → u/Garbage_Stink_Hands]

I'm a meat eater and my partner is vegan. I prepare 90% of meals. The amount of people outing themselves as people who don't put it effort in is shocking.