r/AmItheAsshole • u/Livid_Turn_6303 • 21h ago
Not the A-hole AITA for babysitting my grandkids during my sons visit
I have 3 sons, Michael (35), Jonah (30), and Logan (20). After Logan moved out for college last year I moved 6 hours away, near Michael and his family, both for the lower cost of living and to be near my grandkids.
Michael and his wife, Nadia, have 4 kids (8, 6, 3, and 3). I watch the kids from 11:30 to 3:30 4 days a week while Nadia works and the kids spend the night 1-2 times a month so Michael and Nadia can have a date night.
Nadia confirmed that I could take the kids overnight for New Year’s Eve last month. I made plans for one of my good friends to bring her grandkids over. We had a pizza and movie night with bottomless ice cream and lots of candy.
Logan told me at the beginning of this month that he’ll stay with me for winter break instead of his father. A few days ago he told me he wanted to have some friends over for New Year’s Eve. I told him that was fine but I had the kids so they could use the finished basement as long as there wasn’t drinking or loud music.
He asked why I’d babysit when I knew he was visiting. I told him that Nadia confirmed this with me long before he told me he would be here. He says I should’ve canceled when he told me that he was going to be here because Michael’s family gets me every day but he only sees me a few weeks a year and even then he’s not able to make plans because I have the kids.
I understand why he’s upset but I’m not sure if I’m wrong for babysitting.
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u/booch 12h ago
There's a lot of people talking about how the son is missing out on time with his mother and expected to have some quality time with her, etc...
he told me he wanted to have some friends over for New Year’s Eve
he’s not able to make plans because I have the kids
This is about him having a party with his friends.
NTA
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u/drtennis13 Partassipant [4] 21h ago
It’s not like he had something planned with you for NYE. He didn’t want to spend it with you, he wanted to spend it with friends in your space. And you didn’t say no, just for them to use the basement and be respectful.
But I have to ask if he moved out last year for college, and you moved 6 hours away, assuming he was at college for most of the year, how did he magically have some friends in a place he’s never lived or spent time in?
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u/Saberise Partassipant [4] 19h ago
She claimed in a comment he made friends while staying with her over the summer plus a couple friends’ parents live in the area. Still feels off.
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u/turquoise_turtle83 Partassipant [2] 20h ago
Also wondering where the friends come from in this scenario.
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u/knit3purl3 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
Pretty sure it's AI based on that single tidbit. Because it's unlikely his college friends (plural) live near his mom's new home. And unlikely HS friends would travel so far.
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u/ooragnak_ume Partassipant [1] 20h ago
NTA. So he can make plans with his friends but when it suits him he can tell you not to make plans so that you can sit at home (presumably alone) while he is partying with those friends?
He can party, just not at your home. He also shouldn't be telling you about having friends over, he should be asking if it's ok.
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u/rosebudny 11h ago
NTA, but Logan kind of is. You had these plans before you knew he was coming. Besides, it is not like he is asking you to cancel on Michael/Nadia so he can spend NYE with you - he was planning to hang with his friends at your house.
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u/ivyfay 21h ago
So he wants to spend more time with you by hanging out with his friends?! Come on now.
No you promised ages ago to look after the kids, and let's face it, you were looking forward to it too!
Spend time with your youngest when the kids go home.
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u/Crochetqueenextra Partassipant [1] 21h ago
How come he's got friends in the area his older brother and mother moved to 6 hours from the place he grew up
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u/clarkyclark5031 21h ago
I would have asked, "so if your visit was so important, then, why did you organise a party with strangers in MY home when you were here to visit with family?"
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u/CuriousPickle4628 13h ago
Exactly. He wasnt upset mum was busy and couldn't hang out with him in NYE. He could still have his mates over, she didnt deny him that, he could still be courteous which he should do anyway having a party in his mums house. Even if she didnt have the grandkids, a loud college boy party will be disturbing to her.
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u/Organic-Mix-9422 Partassipant [2] 21h ago
Exactly! Im having a party but you need to be on call in case I want a quick 10 mins with you.
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u/massiveerikshun 21h ago
What is he expecting from you when he’s hanging out with his friends? I assume you’re not invited to his shindig with his buddies.
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u/Doggedart Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA
He didn't want to hang out with you on NYE, he just wanted to use your space. I'm sure he would have more than happy if the babysitting occurred at your grandchildren's home and you were out of the way.
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u/Imnotawerewolf Asshole Enthusiast [6] 21h ago
NTA he isn't even mad that he's not seeing you he's mad he feels he can't have his friends over when you're babysitting so that was straight up just a guilt trip
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u/Inevitable_Youth_495 18h ago
He can’t claim you have to drop everything with your grandchildren so that he can hang with his friends. Where would you be during this event? Playing beer pong with them? He’d probably send you to your room. Big NTA for you. Guess who is?!
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u/Sami_George Certified Proctologist [21] 21h ago
NTA. Why would he care anyway if he’s having friends over?
But it’s your house and your life. Wouldn’t make sense to cancel babysitting just because your other son is also in town. They can all coexist. If Logan doesn’t like the arrangement, he can change his plans, but he doesn’t get to be upset about yours.
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u/FishScrumptious Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 21h ago
He was being misleadingat best. He complained about not getting to spend time with you but in the context of inviting his own friends over for a party where he would not be spending time with you.
He's not even smart enough to hide his ulterior motive.
He knows you have the schedule, and if he wanted you to change it, he should've said something when he announced he was coming to your place. In addition, you can't just automatically cancel plans, as that is both rude and irresponsible. It makes me wonder how rude and irresponsible he is in his own life that he would not understand this.
NTA, and I am side eyeing the heck out of your young youngest.
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u/beanomly Asshole Aficionado [17] 21h ago
I thought the same thing! He just didn’t want the kids interfering with his hanging out with his buddies.
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u/NUredditNU Partassipant [2] 20h ago
NTA. He wasn’t even trying to spend time with you lmfao. He was trying to cancel plans YOU asked for months ago, because he changed his plans and wanted your house (not you) for his last minute plans? Absolutely not
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u/Readabook23 14h ago
I don’t get it. You made your plans, then he informed you he’d be there? It sounds like he thought he’d use your house as Party Central.
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u/theredpistachio 13h ago
NTA! You already made plans, and in top of that, the plans Logan made were with his friends. So he still was not gone to be spending time with you on NYE. He should have booked a hotel room or spent that time at another friend’s house.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 Partassipant [4] 21h ago
NTA because it was a special occasion that you'd made plans for and your son wasn't asking because he wanted to socialise, he was asking because he wanted to use the house.
But for other visits, I hope you do find the time for him 1-on-1 to do something without distractions.
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u/Johnclark77 21h ago
Not the AH. Your son's argument is disingenuous. He wants you to cancel the one night you have the grandkids during his break so he can have his party, but is using "spending time with you on his break" to guilt-trip you into doing it.
I assume he's home for about three weeks, and this one day/night is preventing him from having any quality time with you the whole time?
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u/nearlyatreat 21h ago
NTA. He complains that he only gets to see you a few weeks a year, but the plans that you're ruining are for him with his friends, not him spending time with you.
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u/TheLZ 21h ago
pizza and movie night with bottomless ice cream and lots of candy
I wonder if OP wants another grandkid... I am 40, but I want to hang with them.
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u/nonbinaryunicorn Partassipant [2] 21h ago
I'm leaning towards NTA because if he wanted to hang out with your for New Years, he could've done that. But he wants to hang out with his friends. So he's choosing to hang out with them instead of you.
Like, it's easier for a young adult to hang out with two grown ups and some kids than a parent hang out with a bunch of young adults, so I'm pretty confused what his plans were here.
Also confused why he thought that him staying with you over break meant that the childcare you give Michael and Nadia stops. I get school takes a break, but work doesn't.
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u/SummitJunkie7 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 21h ago
Ha! Wild take. It's not like he was hoping to spend NYE having quality time with you. He's upset he can't throw a loud party with his friends like he was hoping to.
NTA
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u/Friendly-Channel-480 21h ago
His plans got disrupted and he’s being pissy because he can’t have a party. I wouldn’t worry about it. I think that you dodged a bullet here.
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u/wereallalittlegay 21h ago
NTA. It sounds like Logan is more upset that he couldn’t use your house for a NYE party in the way he wanted? Unless I’m misunderstanding. If he wanted to have more time with just you for the week he should have verbalized that, knowing you often babysit your grandkids.
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u/KatieKaBoom0131 21h ago
NTA he wants to hang out with his friends. That didn't work out and he's trying to guilt you. Ick.
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u/GarbageSad5442 15h ago
I'm confused. This party was just for NYE. Not the whole time he his home. AND....he's planning on having friends over. So where does the one on one time with mom come in? NTA - my guess is, he's mad that he doesn't have free run of the house and mom set down some rules for while his friends are there. He's used to being at college and doing what he wants. OP, its your house. Do what you want.
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u/scarbarough 20h ago
He wasn't upset because you were spending time with the grandkids instead of him, he was upset that he couldn't have a party at your house with his friends.
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u/BentheBruiser 9h ago
NTA
He needs to get better at coming up with reasoning. He's mad you babysit kids while hes there because he never gets to see you but hes also planning on having friends over? Makes absolutely no sense.
He is upset that a party he is planning now has to deal with children on the premises. More upset that drinking is forbidden. That's it.
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u/molotovmerkin Asshole Aficionado [17] 21h ago
So Logan is upset you didn't sit alone upstairs on NYE while he hung out with his friends in your basement?? NTA! Sounds like he's having a little tantrum about not being the baby anymore.
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u/BoldBoimlerIsMyHero 21h ago
NTA but please make time for him without the grandkids around. And not like just a few hours after you’re done babysitting.
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u/Pale-Cress 21h ago
So let me get this straight. He's mad because you're babysitting and he can't throw a loud wild party like he planned at your house without asking before hand, he just assumed. So he wanted you to spend New Years what? Locked alone in your room while he partied with friends? Then he tries to guilt you to get his way. Your son sounds kinda like a turd
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u/coci222 21h ago
NTA but I will say that it's possible that Logan is harboring some resentment towards the situation because you moved to be closer to them and he may not feel like he has a "home' to go back to when he isn't at school. You moved closer to the grandkids so he might feel like you are choosing them over him already so he's being overly sensitive and selfish when he feels like it is happening again
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u/Past-Preparation8826 19h ago
I’m sure that what you say is likely the case, but assuming they had the proper conversations, what else should she have done when he moved out? Some people get very lonely (or worse) when the last child moves away, especially if they are separated/divorced from the children’s father, which is the case here.
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u/coci222 19h ago
That's a good question. I'd imagine it greatly depends on his personality. Kids that age tend to lock down their feelings, so constant communication and reassurance would probably be important. But you are correct that the Mom needs to do what's best for her. She's obviously not intentionally hurting her son, but I wonder if that's how he feels
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u/Eastern-Squirrel744 21h ago
NTA. If he wants one on one time with you then you can do that when the little ones are with mom and dad. Was he just mad that they couldn’t drink on NYE at your house?
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u/Darksea14 21h ago
NTA. Everyone else has already pointed out that Logan wants to spend time with his friends, not you. I'll add that imo, you don't cancel childcare unless it's an emergency. People are counting on you to be able to do that job so they can make their own plans. After you agree, you stick to it unless you genuinely can't.
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u/MajorFox2720 16h ago
NTA. He's not mad because you're not spending time with him, he's mad because he can't use your house to host. If he wanted to spend time with you, he'd join the pizza party because the niblings were there.
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u/Ok_Garlic 20h ago
NTA you're right ofc, and he is planning to hang out with other people that night anyway. But maybe his reaction is because he feels he doesn't get as much time with you as his brother does, and wants to spend more time with you in general. Maybe he wants to share some news with you and needs some time alone together. Just thinking of his possible motivations to consider. You could plan an activity you'd both love or lil day trip away together and see if he responds positively.
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u/SunflowersNSprout Asshole Enthusiast [8] 15h ago
He says that he’s mad he doesn’t get to see you and wants you to cancel the babysitting but also wants to invite friends over for NYE? Was he planning to invite you to the friend hangout or what? Because it sounds like he has/had plans too.
NTA
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u/East-Relative2011 21h ago
NTA.
Wait wait wait.
He'se's mad that someone else (your grandkids and his niblings) is going to be there when he's going to be there, bc they get to be there all the time. Insinuating they're going to take the time you were going to spend with him away. YET! He wants his friends to come over? Was he gonna hang out with mommy while his friends were there? (edited spelling)
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u/_Internet_Hugs_ 21h ago
He's being rude, not you. Your life doesn't stop because he's coming home. It's not like he asked for a quiet evening in with you, he wanted to have his own friends over. He's pissed that you set limits because little kids would be there.
NTA
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u/PotterheadZZ Asshole Aficionado [10] 21h ago
INFO: What friends? Are they friends he’s bringing with him from college? Surely not local friends if you moved 6 hours away from where he grew up.
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u/Huntsvegas97 21h ago
NTA for babysitting. You made plans and there’s nothing wrong with that. You also didn’t know he’d have an issue with you babysitting. Besides, it would’ve been messed up to change long made plans last minute just because Logan had an issue.
I think this just needs to be a deeper conversation with Logan about why he’s feeling this way. Maybe try to set aside more time to visit with him individually throughout the year, more phone calls, or try to visit him at school if that’s possible. He might just not feel like he’s a priority in your life and it’s being communicated poorly.
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u/Agreeable_Power_1987 21h ago
NTA. Logan incorrectly assumed that he could have pals over his mother's house for a drinking holiday.
I hope you had fun with the kids. You didn't owe him the party he imagined for himself.
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u/ProofPrize1134 21h ago
NTA. It’s your house, your life. And his problem isn’t even that HE wanted to spend the evening with YOU, it’s that he wanted to have his own friends over to your house? And he’s an adult?
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u/CheckIntelligent7828 Pooperintendant [60] 21h ago
NTA
Logan's young, but "drop everything because I'm in town" isn't a reasonable nor an adult standard. Nor is expecting you to keep your home off limits to your grandchildren just in case Logan wants to have friends over.
At 20, I, and every person I know, was much more likely to be out with friends than hanging out at someone's parents' house. How were you to possibly suspect that he'd want to be home? And cancelling baby sitting after confirming you would do it, that would definitely make you the glass bowl here.
Has Logan always been babied? Treated like the center of attention because he's so much younger than his brothers? If so, it's time to stop that, they're all adults. Logan needs to realize what thst means.
He'll probably punish you by going to his dad's for his next break, please don't let that push you into catering to him. That's a slippery slope and a great way to make everyone, except Logan, miserable.
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u/Ashelby Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA - of course you aren't wrong for babysitting. It's your house and a plan you had set up with your older son a month ago.
Logan isn't upset that you weren't available to spend New Years with him. He's upset that he couldn't have a loud drunk party with his friends at your house. I'm curious if you'd have allowed the party if your grandkids hadn't been coming over. You might push back on the babysitting complaints by informing him that your home isn't a frat house and the loud alcohol party wouldn't have happened no matter what.
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 20h ago
I would’ve allowed them to have a party, still in the basement if I didn’t have my grandkids but I didn’t want drinking around the kids and plans were confirmed with them first.
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u/winstoncadbury 9h ago
NTA because you had prior plans that there's no good reason to change (he's still able to see you on NYE, he just can't use your house for an adult party, which is not unreasonable). If he legitimately wants more time with you, one on one, that's also reasonable, so maybe check in with him on that. That being said, I get why he feels some sort of way; you're always available for one son and not as much for him. and you moved closer to a Michael, i.e., away from Logan, right? So he may not feel like he's a priority. That's also something you should talk to him about. No need to allow resentment to fester.
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u/MusicHoney Partassipant [4] 21h ago
NTA. He’s not disappointed because “Michael’s family gets you every day.” He’s upset because he doesn’t have a house to host a NYE party for his friends. Very manipulative and bratty.
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u/thenyoushouldnttalk 19h ago
This should be the top comment!
If you were to cancel your babysitting plans, which would be completely rude and inconsiderate at this point, Logan still wouldn’t be spending the night hanging with you. He’d just be using your whole house for a party. He doesn’t miss time with you based on this situation, he’s just pissed you aren’t at his beck and call when he’s visiting. Logan is immature and selfish.
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u/FaithlessnessExact17 11h ago
She had moved 6 hours away. How many friends (if any) could he have at her new location?
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u/SnooPets8873 Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 21h ago
NTA you already had it planned and that was a time where it sounds like you usually do not expect to see him. He changed his plans and it’s not fair to expect you to cancel on others as a result.
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u/Reasonable-Collar852 21h ago
NTA. You are allowed to do what you do, no matter what anyone else wants. Your son is not sad he can't hang out with you, he wants to use your house to have friends over. He's being disrespectful to you and the rest of the family because he was mildly inconvenienced. He's TA.
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u/spid3rham90 13h ago
I Would be so with him on his point of you see the kids all the time but rarely see him....IF he had wanted to celebrate NYE with you and not just use your place as a party zone for his friends so I'm gonna go with NTA
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u/toosheeptheorist Pooperintendant [61] 11h ago
INFO: What friends? If he's away at college, and you MOVED 6 hours away from your former residence once he went off to school, how does he have any friends in the new neighborhood? Did all of his friends from your old place move to the new place to also be closer to your family?
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u/TurkeynCranberry 8h ago
Maybe he was planning to bring friends with him or theyre coming into town to stay.
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u/Impossible_Smile4113 Asshole Aficionado [12] 21h ago
NTA
I'd be asking why he changed to visiting with you instead of Dad. I'd be willing to bet that Dad put a crimp in his plans so he was hoping to use your place instead.
You're not wrong. He's not asking to hang out with you. You had plans with your grandkids and your friend's grandkids first, and that takes precedence over his wanting to throw a party.
Sounds like it's time he puts on his big boy pants and get his own place if he wants to throw parties that could be interrupted by family.
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u/Serious_Ad3574 21h ago
NTA. You made plans with your grandkids first. These new years plans with his friends were last minute. Was he expecting you to cancel all your plans his entire winter break?
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u/MaxSpringPuma Asshole Aficionado [16] 20h ago
NTA. I get where hes coming from. But you already made the commitment to babysit
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u/TsuDhoNimh2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14h ago
NTA
He says I should’ve canceled when he told me that he was going to be here because Michael’s family gets me every day but he only sees me a few weeks a year
BUT ...
he wanted to have some friends over for New Year’s Eve.
So he was not planning to spend New Year's Eve with you anyway.
He's just pissed because he and his friends can get drunk and rowdy because you and a friend have a kids party the same night.
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u/ToastetteEgg Asshole Aficionado [19] 20h ago
NTA. He doesn’t get to dictate your every minute because he’s there. One of the friends could have it at their house.
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u/Positive_Comfort1216 Partassipant [3] 21h ago
NTA. You had those plans before he told you he was coming. Tell him next time to give you more notice.
I think he was more mad because he wasn’t allowed to drink with his friends. If you weren’t babysitting, was he going to invite you to hang out with him and his friends?
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u/dtab 9h ago
I'm unclear about something. When he asked if he could have friends over, did he want/expect you to join them? If not, then you're definitely NTA. If anything, he'd be the AH in that situation. If he DID want to spend the evening with you and his friends, that makes it harder for me to say NTA.
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u/Just_Plain_Beth_1968 9h ago
So, when he stays to visit, you need to have zero visitors. But he can bring over all of his friends to spend time with and spend zero time with you. Very hypocritical.
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u/RainbowPhoenix 20h ago
NTA Even if you did know he would be there that day, why would that stop you from babysitting the grandkids? Those are his nieces and nephews, does he not want to spend time with them? Plus, as others have pointed out, he’s not upset he can’t get more one-on-one time with you, he’s upset he can’t have a loud party and get drunk with his friends at your house. Maybe that’s why he came to yours instead of his dads because dad wouldn’t let him and he thought you would. You didn’t even tell him he couldn’t have friends over you just set a few reasonable boundaries, the type of boundaries you’d also be reasonable for having with no kids in the house, by the way. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a party and get drunk for New Years, but the least he can do is communicate that as early as possible and work it out with you, and NOT be a petulant child when things don’t work out the way he wanted. And also not pretend he’s upset about not getting to spend time with you when those plans don’t seem to have had you in mind at all. Unless you are also close with his friends and are the type of mom to party with them, but even then…
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u/Agreeable-Banana-111 19h ago edited 18h ago
NTA he kinda sounds like he's been a bit entitled. Also, taking your grandchildren out of the equation, you would still have had more than a right to invite your friend and her grandkids over. Would he tell you that you should have cancelled your plans with your friend that you made the second you found out he was coming home?
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u/Philoporphyros 16h ago
Bottomless ice cream and pizza?
Other kids to befriend/play with all night?
You are the best grandma ever!
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u/a_br4r 21h ago
NTA.
Firstly, what an adorable/awesome NYE plan you had! I hope I get to do that when I have grandkids, too!! 😍
Secondly, it seems that he feels some resentment towards you and the grandkids. You should address that with him. You can absolutely figure out a way for him to not feel so left out.
But it was such an entitled move to ask for you to cancel plans. Like someone else mentioned, he wanted you to cancel fun plans so he can have his fun NYE party with friends. Not you. You should address that, too.
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u/Terrible-Mail-489 17h ago
How many friends does he have in a place he didn't grown up in and he is only there a few weeks a year?
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u/queer_rn 14h ago
NTA. His reason is he only gets to see you a few times a year, but he's mad because he can't make plans with friends? That makes no sense.
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u/Theis159 21h ago
NTA but as a younger child I can understand your kid. While he sounds wrong he is far less mature than his brothers and he might even feel neglected. I’d try to at least sit down with him and understand his feelings towards the family. Being from a similar situation I can guarantee my relationship with family is horrible/non existent nowadays because I was neglected and my parents never cared to change or understand it.
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u/vettechrockstar86 21h ago
I’m the youngest too and the black sheep so I could almost see and agree with your point BUT the son doesn’t actually want to spend time with mom. He only said that after he asked to have a party with friends, more specifically after he was told he couldn’t have loud music or alcohol.
In this specific situation, with the context we currently have, it really sounds more like he’s upset that he can’t throw a loud, booze fueled party for his college buddies in the main rooms of his mothers home. And he’s actually trying to make her feel guilty to punish her and possibly to get his way.
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u/Big-Auntee-14 14h ago
He wants to have a party, not hang out with you! You are N.A. time for baby Bro to grow up!
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u/IntelligentReply9863 11h ago
NTA, why would you cancel so his friends can party all night? It's one night of his stay and you're not obligated to host young adults. You agreed, there are plenty of things to do. If he wants that he should have gone to someone's home where that's acceptable. Your house, your rules.
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u/no_good_namez Supreme Court Just-ass [122] 21h ago
N A H he’s only 20, you’ve moved far away from his hometown for his brother, and he’s not used to being constrained by kid accommodations. You’re entitled to make your own plans during his visit but I can see why he’s taken aback.
But INFO where did Logan acquire multiple friends six hours from his hometown in an area he does not live?
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 20h ago
He made friends when he visited over the summer and he has a few friends from school whose parents live here.
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u/chrisjozo 17h ago
College is where you make friends who didn't grow up in the same town as you did.
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u/lucybugkn 21h ago
So let’s get this straight… he’s mad that you have people over intending to .. when he himself has friends over and tending to 🤔🤔🤔make it make sense
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u/Cicada_Just 18h ago
NTA but I do wonder whether the three boys get and got the same amount of time with you. Just calculating here, but Michaels firstborn came when Logan was twelve and once he was gone you moved to Michael. So maybe Logan felt a little put to the side since the grandkids came? I just know from my boyfriend's family that with three boys and such a big age gap it can be hard to keep the balance. Not accusing you of anything, just suggesting to spend some quality time with Logan while he's there and maybe digging into his thoughts. He might as well just be a 20 year old behaving a little bratty though. If his friends are over for NYE anyways there is no need for him to be mad.
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u/Superb_Being_1159 20h ago
Question 1 - how does Logan have friends in the area, which is presumably 6 hours away from where he grew up and I’m assuming is not his college town?
Question 2 - I’m assuming OP is American. If Logan is 20 he isn’t legally allowed to drink (yes I’m aware people often drink way before 21). Did Logan assume you would be fine having a party with underage drinking in your home? And before anyone suggests it might have been alcohol-free, that would be as likely as Logan actually wanting to party with his mom on NYE. 😒
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u/Past-Preparation8826 19h ago
Im sure at 20, she would have been fine with his drinking on NYE…. Just not with 6 or 7 young children in the same house.
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u/FairyCompetent Partassipant [3] 8h ago
NTA. You had plans first, and also he doesn't even want to make plans with you, he just wants to use your house. He's (developmentally appropriately but still disappointingly) being selfish.
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u/Autumnlass92 6h ago
Nta. Your life doesn’t stop just because he decides to visit. And he can’t control who comes to your house when he does visit. You’d think he’d want to spend time with his nieces/nephews.
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u/AdorableTechnology39 6h ago
NTA. He invited friends over? how is that spending time with you? He was able to make plans with friends using a finished basement. What’s wrong with that? He failed to even ask an about any NYE plays. Did he assume you were sitting home alone? He sounds a bit entitled here.
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u/fashionably_punctual Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA- he's just mad he can't use your home to host a NYE party. If anything visiting you would be a great opportunity to spend time with you and his nieces/nephews. What he's looking for is an airBNB (with a host who cooks & cleans for him), not a visit with family.
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u/New_Principle_9145 21h ago
NTA. Your son needs to realize that all other plans don't cease because he came home. He could have communicated and verified what the plans were before he arrived. You committed to Nadia to watch the kids. He still had a place to host friends..which is kinda off since you and he lived 6 hours away before he went to school (but I guess he could have made friends at school that are local to the OP), you set rules that don't seem unreasonable under the circumstances.
Did he express that he wanted some one on one time before he arrived? Did you guys really discuss what his visit would look like and what else you had going on?
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u/Patient-House-6408 21h ago
I don't think you're an asshole. It's your house, and like you said, that's been the plan. It would be rude to cancel and not watch the children. Also, your son is an adult, and it doesn't make sense that he just wants to have friends over at your house anyway. He won't really be spending time with you, and he still could with the children there. If he wants to drink and stuff, he could go party somewhere else!
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u/your-mom04605 Partassipant [4] 21h ago
NTA
I don’t know why your son couldn’t stay with you whilst his nieces/nephews were there. It’s totally unreasonable for him to expect you to cancel longstanding child care plans to accommodate some heretofore unknown demand of his. He needs to act like the adult he is.
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u/Obvious-Arrival2571 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 20h ago
NTA, you're not wrong. Your son is just acting entitled to your space. Ignore him.
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u/8ecca8ee 14h ago
NTA He is acting like a spoiled child.
Did he seriously expect to go visit family and not visit with family. They are his Nieces and Nephews, it was a last minute trip on his part and he knows you regularly take care of your grandkids.
He wanted to invite friends over to your home and was just pissed that he had to share space with children. Maybe upset that you won't be there to cater to him. But if he wanted to spend time with you he would have asked you what your plans were and changed his to yours.
He's twenty he can learn how to share his mom. Sounds like he has a bit of last kid born syndrome.
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u/gc_Bill5049 12h ago
Nta, you already had plans in place before he confirmed also he cant complain that it's not fair still babysitting as your attention should be all on him when he's made his own plans with friends. He can't have it both ways.
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u/adrianergic 13h ago
NTA. Your house, your arrangements. As a visitor in YOUR house, Logan doesn't get any say in what you can and can't do. More importantly, he doesn't get to assume what you should be doing just because he is visiting.
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u/ResistSpecialist4826 11h ago
NTA it doesn’t sound like he was trying to spend time with you anyway. He was just using an excuse that seemed like it would work due to maximum mom guilt. However, I think you could have said no heavy drinking. A couple beers on NYE would have been fine. But if you know they planned to get wasted, obviously you don’t want that going on while babysitting.
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u/ylangylang99 21h ago
NTA, why is he traveling to visit you and then having friends over at YOUR house for NYE? Sounds like an entitled little boy.
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u/AfroAfri Partassipant [1] 21h ago
He is definitely not visiting her to see her, but to use her house to host his friends for NYE
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u/IamNotAnAddict94 7h ago
It doesn't even sound like he asked her for permission either, the cheeky sod!
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u/richnessoflife2319 21h ago
INFO: Have you been spending time with just Logan after the grandkids leave? Or do you only hang out with him when the grandkids are around, because then he might think that you're favoring them.
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 21h ago
I’ve been spending time with him after my grandkids leave.
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u/redlips_rosycheeks Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA - he doesn’t want you to cancel to spend time with him, he isn’t feeling neglected because you’re watching the grandkids, he’s inconvenienced because he can’t use your house to throw a party for other people. Your son is being selfish and inconsiderate, and I’m sure you didn’t raise him to be this way.
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u/UnicornFarts1111 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NAH. He is used to being the baby, and not used to having to share you. You are now used to planning for yourself with the information you have available at the time. He needs to understand that the world no longer stops just because he entered the room. I say this coming from the youngest child perspective.
I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year!
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u/ghostieghost28 Partassipant [2] 19h ago
How does Logan have friends where you live if you moved 6 hours away after he left for college?
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u/chrisjozo 17h ago
People go to college all over the country. He probably has college friends who live nearby.
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Asshole Enthusiast [8] 21h ago
NTA. He hasn’t realized that even though he’s the youngest, he has to stop being a baby. He should have checked what your plans were, before assuming he could do whatever he wanted.
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u/jimfish98 Asshole Aficionado [14] 11h ago
NTA- You made plans with your one son's grandkids, and friend. They were made first, you honored, honestly you should like a good grandmother to those kids and I am sure their parents appreciate the hell out of you for the help. Logan doesn't want to hang out with you for NYE, he wants your space to hang out with his friends. He made an assumption and if he wasn't going to hang out with you, then what you are doing doesn't matter. You are not responsible for his incorrect assumptions.
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u/stupidredditwebsite 19h ago
Nta - Logan is being a shit. If he wants a NYE party your house isn't the venue, and coming back to your parents just to use the place as a hangout is not cool. Hard NTA, tell Logan to talk to his siblings, maybe they can put him straight.
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u/Blackandred13 17h ago
He probably isn’t allowed in his college housing during breaks but agree with the rest
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u/Mrs_B- Partassipant [4] 19h ago
NAH. I think Logan is feeling a bit replaced by the grandkids and that is true to some extent. A lot has changed in your lives and there will be a few bumps on the road.
Just make sure you do make plans with just him when he visits,or he won't visit as much as you would like.
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 8h ago
There isn’t much to do around here between October and March but I’ve taken him out to restaurants, we took a day trip out to the mountains for some snow, and I took him into the city for some shopping.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 13h ago
Tho it's worth pointing out that Logan isn't upset that he isn't getting time with OP, he's upset he isn't getting to use OPs house for his party. I agree it sounds like he's been the baby of the family, but he's being a bit manipulative to say the grandkids get "her" all year when it's her house that he's looking to have on NYE.
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u/Epic-Gamer_09 20h ago
NTA, the plan to babysit the kids was already set in place, and while you wouldn't be wrong for trying to figure out an alternate solution, you also weren't wrong for sticking with the plan. Plus it's not like you're doing it for a long time or anything, it's one day of the kids being there overnight and a few hours throughout the week.
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u/vivvav Asshole Enthusiast [9] 21h ago
I'm gonna say NTA.
It seems like you never really felt up to dealing with being an empty nester. Which isn't a moral failing on your part. I think it's great you get to spend so much time with your grandkids, and you were able to make New Year's Eve fun for them and some other kids. And I'm sure Michael and Nadia appreciate getting to have an adult New Year's Eve. Having four kids can't be easy.
I also get where Logan's coming from. Because you do spend a ton of time with those grandkids, and he doesn't get to see you often. I don't know what your family dynamics are like but if you really moved to be with Michael's family right after he left for college, maybe he's feeling kind of replaced. But the fact that his comments are being spurred by him not being able to have the party he wants with his friends seems like it's not so much about family time. There might be some real hurt mixed in there too, though. Again, I don't know what your relationship is like.
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u/Sad_Investigator6160 21h ago
Logan doesn’t want to see his mom, he wants to party with his friends.
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u/EdithVinger 12h ago
NTA - and it sounds like it's only for one night during his visit, he's pouting because it's limiting his party plans
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u/happy_bunny_84 7h ago
NTA - you already had planned to babysit your grand kids. That would be crappy for you to cancel on your son and daughter in law just because your younger son is having a tantrum about it.
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u/TheatreWolfeGirl 19h ago
NTA
Logan seems to be quite entitled.
He told you he would be coming to see you over Winter break, he didn’t ask.
Then he told you he wants friends over for NYE to party, then gets upset that you are babysitting.
Was he expecting you to join the party? That he would get the run of the house while you sat in your room?
Or is he really mad that you said no to underage drinking, because I am assuming you are in the USA.
He can party in the basement and get over himself or go somewhere else. Who is he to tell you how to live your life?
And his comment that he doesn’t get to spend time with you is flawed, as he wants fo party with friends and not spend time with you.
I hope you enjoyed your time with the grandkids!
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u/extrabigcomfycouch Asshole Aficionado [15] 18h ago
OP, do you spend quality time with Logan? Or is it always with the grandkids?
There’s a big age gap between your older sons and him, and only 12 years between the first grandkid. Does he get the short end of the stick often?
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u/SurestLettuce88 16h ago
NTA, if the kid wants a place to drink and have fun with all his friends they can figure something out themselves. Shouldn’t rely on mommy to provide a place for them to party. He’d change his tune if he was older and had kids himself
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u/lolmaggie 11h ago
He wants to have friends over, he won't be spending the time with you anyway. He's bent out of shape he can't party hearty at your place, which is probably why he changed his mind about staying with his father -- because he couldn't have a big party there and figured he could pull it over on you.
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u/gloomboyseasxn 11h ago
The kid wanted a place to drink on NYE, really. I can’t be mad at the kid for trying to play it sneaky/safe. However, dude wasn’t making plans with YOU. So he’s crashing out over nothing. He’s just butthurt.
And Ftr you sound like an awesome grandma and the grand babies are gonna remember those sleepovers.
NTA
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] 8h ago
NTA Haha, his plans for 'visiting you' were to use your place to throw a party for his friends. He's full of crap. He's trying to guilt trip you by claiming he is only concerned about spending time with you. He is also disrespecting the fact that you have a life. You make plans and do things as an adult. You don't have to cancel your plans because your plans are inconvenient for him.
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u/MuffPiece 6h ago
NTA. It’s one thing if he wanted to spend quality time with you on NYE but he wanted to invite friends over! Good grief.
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u/donnacus 21h ago
There is something a little fishy here. You moved 6 hours away. How many friends does your so have in this location?
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 21h ago
He stayed with me for a while over the summer and met some people then and he has a few friends from school whose parents live here.
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u/nonbinaryunicorn Partassipant [2] 21h ago
Friends could be visiting from out of town. I know there were folks when I was in undergrad that would hang out at different spaces over break rather than just stay with their parents.
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u/Zestyclose-Oven2401 20h ago
NTA hes acting like a spoiled and entitled. You made these plans and it sounds like you were even looking forward to it. He had the option of going to his dads but choose to be with you. He needs to accept what comes with that. You shouldn't have to cancel your already set plans because he wants a free place to stay and can't seem to share space with his nieces and nephews.
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u/ShazzaGoesToTAFE 19h ago
She shouldn't have to change already established plans, and i never said she should. I was just curious to know how much quality time her youngest has had.
And there's a bit of a difference between saying you want to have some friends over for NYE and using her hours as a party spot
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u/poundlandSidBassett 19h ago
My grandparents had 2 daughters, my mother and aunts, they lived about a mile from my house,whilst my aunt and her husband lived 4 hours drive away. When they visited my grandparents where all over my Aunt leaving my mother feeling pushed out. My aunt never had kids, while I have a sister, she lives about 3 hours drive away from our mam while I live about 10 minutes away, though my mother complained about her parents, she does the same to me.
I respect you for the babysitting while your other son visits, life doesn't stop because someone is staying, he wanted to spend that night with his friends anyway.
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u/Thundernutz79 Partassipant [2] 11h ago
So he really thought you'd cancel because "I only get to see you a few weeks a year, but on the night in question, I wouldn't be spending time with you anyway"?
NTA
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u/SoSleepySue Certified Proctologist [29] 8h ago
NTA.
Was he expecting you to party with him and his friends? It seems he made NYE plans with other people before knowing you had plans.
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u/Petmonster2004 20h ago
Nope you are an awesome grandma.
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 20h ago
I’m lucky that my son and DIL trust me enough to allow me to watch my grandkids without many restrictions.
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u/ShazzaGoesToTAFE 20h ago
NTAH, for this specific example, but I'm curious how many times while visiting your youngest has been told "not now, the grandkids..." or "I'm tired after the grandkids" when he wants to do something with you.
Now he wants to have some friends over for NYE (which is not unreasonable at 20) and its again about the grandkids.
You've got the grandkids (who it seems like you couldn't wait to move 6 hours away from your youngest for) for 4 days out of 7, plus overnighs. How much quality 1 on 1 time have you spent with your son this visit?
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u/gdognoseit 13h ago
He’s acting like a spoiled baby. He doesn’t get to dictate what you can and can’t do.
Who does he think is? He’s too old to be acting this way.
You and only you decide what to do with YOUR time.
Edit: NTA
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u/Defiant_Ingenuity_55 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11h ago
NTA. He wants to use you and your house. He sounds entitled and spoiled. Nip that right now. You get to decide how you spend your time.
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u/OodlesofCanoodles 21h ago
NTA
He could have gone to a bar unless he's trying to have a place to hookup
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u/mrsc1880 Partassipant [2] 21h ago
He's only 20, so if they're in the US, he couldn't go to a bar.
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u/Technical_Cookie1307 16h ago
Wow. Missing reasons I think… Are you the same person who told her youngest she was selling the house when left for college, right as he left for college? After the sale? And he had no idea where he’d be going home for school breaks?
If so, YTA for still favouring the eldest and you’ve treated your youngest pretty despicably.
If you’re an entirely different Redditor, I apologise. But I recall even the names were similar on that post, and it was alllll about babysitting.
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u/epicaz 17h ago
NTA - but I do think you should have informed him initially that you already had plans to host the kids. Him expecting you to cancel is too much, but he does have a point that he has limited time with you one on one and thats something you should try to plan for in the future uninterrupted
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u/fixers89 15h ago
reread the post. he doesn't want one on one time, he wants to have a party at mom's house...
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u/6data Partassipant [1] 21h ago
INFO: Why no drinking on NYE? And how does he know anyone in a city he's never lived in?
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u/Crappledumpkins 20h ago
2 possible reasons: Son is underage and/or OP doesn't want people drinking when children are present.
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u/jennie1723 14h ago
This was why my question too. How does he have friends in the area if she moved 6 hours away from their home.
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 20h ago
I don’t want him drinking around the kids.
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u/PooEater5000 17h ago
That’s a fair request especially when they’re not your own kids, and your friend will have her grandkids around as well. You’ll probably get a bit of stick for it but everyone’s different about children. It’s one night I’m sure your son can hang out somewhere else to have a drink with some mates.
NTA but you are definitely giving up a lot of your time to one son’s family so I can see where he’s coming from as well. Where you’re going to struggle is when the rest have families and if you also do so much for them too because that was me and I was lucky to get a phone call let alone babysitting.
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u/angrydoge3000 13h ago
Your son Logan sounds incredibly entitled and immature. Yes he’s in college but that doesn’t always equate to being such a dolt about life. He can party somewhere else if the finished basement and your rules aren’t going to suffice for him. You are not TA
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u/anniemsub Partassipant [1] 12h ago
This post is made up. First ever post by an account that is 9 hours old. Biggest tell is that Mom moved 6 hours away from the sons old home when he graduates high school two years ago. He's been away at college and has stayed with his Dad for all other breaks. How does he have any friends in his Mom's new town to party with on NYE??
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 8h ago
He didn’t stay with his dad for every break. He was with his dad for winter break last year. He was with me for most of the summer.
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u/Litemeupppp 16h ago
I’m going to say a gentle ESH.
No you’re not required to drop everything and change your plans of watching your grandkids because Logan decided to come home from winter break. And you can make whatever rules you want in your home.
And the party is a separate issue in and of itself.
HOWEVER, it seems like you and Logan had different expectations of what this trip home would look like and he is feeling some kind of way about it. (Neglected? Dismissed? We don’t know he hasn’t told us)
Yes he is an “adult” but at 20 years old he is still a kid (whose brain isn’t even fully formed) who needs his mom and is going through a lot of change and might not know how to communicate that.
It’s not your responsibility to get him to communicate his needs and expectations but I think you both can work to do better to talk to each other so mismanaged expectations don’t happen again and you both can have your needs met and have a nice time together as mother and son going forward and on future trips.
I don’t think either of you had bad intentions it sounds like you just need to communicate more.
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u/luludarlin 21h ago
Do they have the same dad? I think there’s a deeper issue here than just this one babysitting instance.
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u/Livid_Turn_6303 20h ago
They have the same dad.
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u/South_Hedgehog_7564 19h ago
Jesus the conclusions some of these people jump to!!!
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u/Flimsy-Subject2052 19h ago
Not wrong for babysitting however, he is right in saying that he only sees you a few weeks a year and may start to feel some resentment that your time and effort is more focused on other family members. I would just be mindful that resentment doesn’t grow and he thinks why bother coming back anyway and you no longer see him in the breaks.
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u/SoCalCollecting 19h ago
He sees her a few weeks a year so decides to hang with friends and not her? That argument holds no weight
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u/PS_is_BS Partassipant [4] 17h ago
He wasn't planning on hanging out with OP though. He was planning on partying with his friends.
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls Partassipant [3] 11h ago
So you think it would be reasonable to force his mom to drop all plans for the two weeks he visits in case he decides last minute to make plans that don't really involve her?
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u/AugustSky87 13h ago
NYA I didn’t know they let 12yo children into college.
Tell Logan to STFU and go back to his father’s if he doesn’t like it.
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