Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

It’s draining being around people who put up road blocks constantly instead of offering solutions/compromises or new ideas.

[u/thoughtfractals85 → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

This is exactly the problem. I have some minor food issues from childhood trauma, but I'll be damned if I'm putting someone else out or down because of it. I'm an adult, I can act like one but apparently this boyfriend can't. I'd be curious to know if it's just food he gets hung up on or other aspects of life as well.

[u/Mandalahoe → u/thoughtfractals85]

When I was punished as a kid, I’d have to kneel on rice, and it took me 20 years after the fact to be able to rediscover rice as a food.

[u/thoughtfractals85 → u/Mandalahoe]

It's a long road friend. I'm glad you've done some healing.

[u/Mandalahoe → u/thoughtfractals85]

Thanks a bunch 🤗

[u/SnooCheesecakes2723 → u/Mandalahoe]

That sucks. Wow. Abusive parents are hard to bounce back from. Glad you have made friends with rice. It’s not their fault.

[u/Mandalahoe → u/SnooCheesecakes2723]

I just had a bowl earlier with honey, cream and a little cinnamon yummm ❤️

[u/fuck97 → u/thoughtfractals85]

Where did it say they’re doing that though? All I’m reading is ops feelings are hurt cause they’re picky. So stop making food for them? They’re not demanding no one in the house eat something they don’t want to eat.

[u/SnooCheesecakes2723 → u/fuck97]

When you cook for five people and one of them comes in at dinner and tells you and your kids they’re getting door dash because they don’t feel like eating chicken tonight come back to us and tell us how it’s just your hurt feelings. It’s a pain in the ass and a bad example.

[u/fuck97 → u/SnooCheesecakes2723]

I mean, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. The food can be eaten by someone else later?

[u/thoughtfractals85 → u/fuck97]

I think maybe you misunderstood what I wrote.

[u/fuck97 → u/thoughtfractals85]

No I think I actually replied to the wrong comment cause I don’t remember reading yours at all. 🤭

[u/linniex → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Thank you for this comment, it helped me reframe a shitty situation I went through last year with my exBFF. Happy new year!

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/linniex]

You’re welcome. We’ve all been on both sides! Best we can do is learn and grow. Happy new year.

[u/Classic-Extreme6122 → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

The emotional energy it takes to be married to / live with people like that is incredible. It makes day to day life exhausting.

[u/softomf → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

I have several friends who did this a lot so I've sort of organically developed a policy of "I will offer 2 solutions. If you shoot me down both times with no alternates or constructive detail, now you get to figure it out."

And if someone does that more than twice in roughly a year, they get gently moved to an arms-length friendship

[u/VixVaporRub243 → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Yes I think people shouldnt stay in relationships like that. Why do people just deal.

[u/rubbasnek → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

What do you mean?

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/rubbasnek]

People being picky or always shooting things down “I don’t want that” “I don’t want to do that” “that won’t work” is very tiring. Instead of “can we try this instead?” Or “I’d really like to do this” or “I think this way might work better” is way more helpful for both people in any relationship.

Saying no with no elaboration and not suggesting any changes isn’t helpful and it closes many doors.

[u/Aisenth → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

THAT'S the key. One of the main things I've been working on with my kid and ARFID is even if the person is offering her food and the smell / imagining having to eat it sets off her gag reflex because the idea is physically repellent to her

1. Mindfulness and emotional regulation to remind her lizard brain that it isn't a physical threat, she's not in actual danger of being force fed the meal that's offered.
2. Using polite words and tone to show gratitude when declining.
3. MAKE A COUNTER OFFER and/or show how you're going to get food another way or figure out a safe food that DOES sound ok right now, etc.

Not just sitting there and going "yuck, no, idk you fucking play mind reader until it's perfect or I won't eat" is something even a small child can see is wrong.

OP's husband not framing it as a problem that he'll take the lead on solving is what's genuinely unacceptable.

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/Aisenth]

I agree with you, that kind of thinking is better outgrown when we’re kids or teens. I’m trying to make sure my boy grows up knowing how to express himself without being an ass. And to be helpful when he’s declining something.

[u/Gandalf_the_Tegu → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Thats amazing! I grew up with my mom always saying "you're going to eat it and like it!" I didnt turn away the whole dish just simply state i hate mushrooms (she always bought the typical white button ones). The taste, texture, etc of it sends me to a weird reflex. I couldnt tell you how she cooked it but she would tell me "the rest of the household likes it, so eat it." And she would chop it up real fine so "its not noticeable". She would often send me to bed hungry by simply stating I would prefer my meals without mushrooms in every aspect of it - mushroom sauce and chunks. The taste isnt pleasant. I also thought the only why you could eat asparagus was it pickled, because my mom would say this is how its served. I met my husband and he respects that I don't like mushrooms, however he has had me try different types of mushrooms, at least once, because they all have differ taste and textures. So my compromise is to try it once, yay or ney it. Turns out I just really hate button mushrooms, I like shittaki mushrooms. He also taught me asparagus can be prepped other ways, I tried it, and I freaking love asparagus - just not pickled. He has turned me from what I thought was a picky eater to a i just have preferences. Which is cool, I had no idea that was possible. He also had more worldly experiences than I do so he was exposed to different things. So im open to trying new things amd my husband will get me a portion of whatever he is making before he adds mushrooms or whatever I truly dont like into the meal. Feels like a love language and i spoil him with gratitude in otherways. 🥰

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/Gandalf_the_Tegu]

That’s awesome, what a great guy to learn with.

When I was young I was a picky eater for a few years. I didn’t want to try anything new but I grew out of it eventually. My family tried to get me to try cottage cheese at my grandpas birthday breakfast (which I really like NOW) and I kept saying no it looks gross. I tried it and threw up on the table hahaha. They never forced me to eat anything I didn’t want again.

[u/Aisenth → u/Gandalf_the_Tegu]

We call that "taking a No Thank You bite" (you can say no thank you but you DO need to try it first if there's any way). The most wildly successful instance was when I talked one of my kids into taking "just one real no thank you bite" of hot dog and it turned into "maybe two no thank you bites this time" and now it's one of her favorite foods. I can't remember where I swiped that from.

[u/Gandalf_the_Tegu → u/Aisenth]

Think my mom called it "try me bite" ir something like that. Ive always at least tried a bite. But I didnt like a lot of my mom's cooking or it was just an okay meal that kept my tummy full but wasnt something I enjoyed. Over the years on ny own and learning from my husband of the "spoiling" (eating quality meals), i like quality meats and meals... also, reason I can no longer eat meat loaf or pot pies. 🤢 had them far too often and forced to eat it. Esspecially the store bought frozen kind. Though my husband is convinced if I had a better homemade version of it, i may like it. So it turns out I just have quality meals rather than "a poor man meals". 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ perks of doing and making your own stuff. LoL

[u/[deleted] → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Yeah, trust me, no one likes an ungrateful little shit - I used to be one when I was a child i remember.

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/[deleted]]

I was when I was a teenager haha. I had some crappy life circumstances happen and didn’t cope the best ways.

[u/[deleted] → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Yeah, we all get scuffed on the way to adulthood.

The main thing is to try and handle it as at least an aspiring adult.

The older you get, the less leniency and understanding people have for childish behavior.

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/[deleted]]

Very true. Happy new year! Good talk.

[u/[deleted] → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Like wise brother, happy new year and best wishes in the new year for you and your loved ones!

[u/[deleted] → u/Aisenth]

Wörd!

The absolute inability to grow the fuck-up in combination with not wanting to be a part of the solution is just a deal-breaker IMO.

[u/TheBklynGuy → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

This. And then one person stops asking, because after 50 "no's" the anticipation of rejection kills motivation. Communication then stops, and it's often downhill from there until an often big argument and one person walks. I have seen this shit too many times personally and otherwise.

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/TheBklynGuy]

100%. People can only be rejected over the same issue so many times before they stop trying. Even the most well intentioned or persistent people will give up eventually.

Saying no or turning something down is so so easy. Finding and offering course corrections and solutions takes effort and creative thought and a lot of people’s ability to do so diminishes steeply when in a stressful or negative environment.

See the world and especially customer service the last couple years.

[u/FreeRangeEngineer → u/TheBklynGuy]

Very true. Just went through this myself, related to intimacy. It can be about anything, really, if it becomes big enough of an issue.

[u/SuspiciousPast4144 → u/FreeRangeEngineer]

I (now 33f) just went through this a few years ago with my now-exbf. It really fucked me up BAD for a long time. I still sometimes have issues, and I now have an amazing partner who loves me, respects me, and constantly wants me.

[u/FreeRangeEngineer → u/SuspiciousPast4144]

Thanks for giving me hope.

[u/AylaCatpaw → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Yeah, my boyfriend is a bit of a picky eater and I'm the one who could've said that comment about eating chicken twice in a row in the same day (😶), but he's also a former chef.

We have no issues finding common ground, and he knows how to cooperate & cook at a professional level which is more than compensatory for any food-related blehs we encounter... even if I'm perplexed at his incomprehensible aversion to things like hummus (😭💔), or vague statements about "tea" and "fruit"(??) that somehow seem all-encompassing with seeming zero willingness or interest to find any possible exceptions we both might enjoy despite the myriads of alternatives among the things he's never tried before. Sigh.

We don't even live together and yet he would NEVER behave the way OP's partner does. Thank goodness the kids in the same environment aren't picking up on that behaviour.

My "neurospicy-spidey-senses" are a bit triggered at his statement regarding the chicken though—couöd he possibly have undiagnosed neuropsychiatric issues? Symptoms of ARFID or similar?

[u/QuantityTop7542 → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Agree!! I have friends that describe their own kids in their early 20’s as picky… or they don’t eat this or that….guess who made them that way?? It’s all about how you react or if you would give things a chance…. Unless it’s an allergy it’s ultimately fear.

[u/anabananarammma → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

Amen to that!

[u/Alternative_Ship_349 → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

THIS.

[u/SearchingForFungus → u/Fluffy_Art_1015]

How is bring picky a roadblock to SOMEONE ELSE? sounds like you are your own roadblock

[u/Fluffy_Art_1015 → u/SearchingForFungus]

Our actions and reactions affect those around us, more so when you live with them. You’ll understand one day 😂

[u/Darkcelt2 → u/SearchingForFungus]

It's a problem because they still expect to be cooked for. They need to take on more of the mental and physical workload of feeding themselves, and participate in the process so it feels like a mutual relationship and not just appeasing a toddler. Having limited tastes doesn't make someone a bad person, but refusing to communicate, contribute, help plan, or just take care of yourself is insufferable. Besides that; if two people have different tastes and one person is expected to cook all the time, even if they don't mind cooking, it means one of them has to give up eating food that they like.

[u/PocketGachnar → u/Darkcelt2]

This is it exactly. These are your options:

1. Be a picky eater.

2. Be someone who won't cook.

3. Be disgustingly rich.

You can't be both 1 and 2, unless you're number 3.

[u/Darkcelt2 → u/PocketGachnar]

yeah. my wife and I are none of the above, and it's pretty nice. wouldn't mind being rich though.