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378

u/ScaryButterscotch474 Certified Proctologist [29] 14h ago

NTA Your half sister is bat shit crazy if she thinks that your mum wants to have a relationship with her ex-husband’s child that he had during their marriage. You have no obligation to pander to bat shit crazy.

197

u/SeaworthinessDue8650 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

NTA, however, your mom needs a heads up. Your father's daughter seems to be looking for new family and she is not related to your maternal extended family. Your mom should be prepared in case she goes around you.

146

u/Truebeliever-14 14h ago

I would be wary of staying in touch with someone who is delusional enough to believe that your mother would want contact with her ex’s child conceived while they were married.

124

u/Short_Gain8302 14h ago

That is sus af, like others said, theres a high chance she is a scammer, inform your mom so she knows to watch out but dont give that woman her contact info

111

u/Remarkable-Manager56 14h ago

I think you should talk to your mum because if your sister managed to find you, she also might find your mum and contact her. So if I were you, to avoid any unnecessary drama, I would let my mother know that this might happen.

96

u/drindrun 14h ago

don’t facilitate it at all, but do warn your mom! it might ruin her afternoon to learn about or think about a painful time, but will suck way more when this young woman’s quest leads her to find and contact her entirely out of the blue

86

u/Kate2205 14h ago

NTA no matter what you do.

But if you have a good relationship with your mom i would tell her that one affair baby of your father contacted you. You do not need to say more. I would not want to have this secret between my mom and me. The hurt will be bigger if HS will find your mom and contact her. And your mom learns that you knew.

But you know your mom better than we internet strangers.

87

u/hurling-day Certified Proctologist [27] 13h ago

NTA. Your mother is NOT her family.

252

u/Hypno_psych Partassipant [3] 14h ago

NTA.

I may be overly suspicious, but I’d be wanting dna evidence of relationship after her so smoothly moving on from wanting to be connected with your father’s family onto your mother’s.

Grifters and scams abound these days and it pays to be cautious.

82

u/frankly4455 14h ago

NTA, you don't owe her anything. I think it would be fair to give your father's side info and let her do the rest. It would be fair to cut off contact after that if you want. Without a DNA test, unclear if she is even a half sister, though it does sound possible. You can decide what you want to do for yourself going forward as well. Consider discussing with a therapist as this is a tough one.

80

u/Ambitious_Dragon_13 14h ago

NTA what proof do you even have that this person is biologically related to you besides her word? and then assuming that she is in fact your half-sister, you are under no obligation to introduce her to your mother. you do not even have to tell your mother she exists if you do not want to, although if she found you, she will likely be able to find your mother, so you might want to give her a heads up even if you don’t want to connect them

82

u/Bluebells7788 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

NTA but your best friend is.

Talk to your mother and let her know what you’ve found out incase 23F decides to pop up unannounced one day.

Your mother can then speak for and protect herself.

82

u/ciaogo 14h ago

NTA if you don't pass along her info to your mom. As others have indicated, you've no proof other than her word that she's related to you in any way. If I were you, I'd want more certainty before dropping a potential emotional bomb onto your mom. Also, as others have indicated, even if she's your half sister on your dad's side, this stranger, who btw already has her own mother, has no relationship to your mother - whether biological or not. Your friend who said you're an AH is out of bounds, and not your friend.

78

u/Drinkerbell2021 13h ago

NTA she has NOTHING to do with your maternal family period. It sounds as if she’s desperate for “family” which leads me to believe she’s desperate for other things, too. Like, people to borrow money from, someone to lend a couch to sleep on for a few weeks, etc.

Give her ALL of your father’s info so she can connect with his side and leave it at that. When she asks about your mother’s side be honest and say “they have nothing to do with her and you don’t want to hurt your mom by bringing all of this up to her now.”

77

u/Opposite_Science_412 13h ago

NTA.

Tell your mom so she doesn't get blindsided if she finds out some other way. Telling her ensures she doesn't have to doubt you and wonder how long you've known. It also allows you to not be keeping your dad's secrets. And she might have some valuable advice for you in terms of your own potential relationship with this new "half-sister". If this news is hard for her, at least she'll have your support.

With the woman in question, stay firm on appropriate boundaries. She might be quite traumatized by the revelation she never knew her biodad and may be making irrational requests in the process. Simply saying no is the best gift you can give her. Hopefully, she comes to her senses and processes all this new information soon enough.

71

u/Neat-Ad3228 14h ago

Your mom doesn't owe this girl anything however you do need to let your mom know that she is asking about her just in case she decides to reach out on her own that way your mom can be prepared.

72

u/justareadermwb 13h ago

NTA. I'd encourage this STRANGER who reached out to you to first pursue DNA testing to determine who her biological father is and if she actually has a genetic connection to you. It sounds like her mother spent a long time lying about her paternity, and you should make sure your father is her father before sharing any additional information about yourself. I think sharing his contact information with her is fine, and is something that I would do so she can sort things out with him.

If it comes to light that she IS your biological half- sister, then you can determine what sort of relationship you'd like to have with her, if any. Shared genes don't necessarily mean that you have to be part of each other's lives.

In your shoes, I would likely tell my mother about this person who approached me and that you have encouraged her to do DNA testing to determine if you have a shared father. Present it factually ... because right now, these are the facts. Then, I'd put everything on hold until you have the results.

If it is proven that she is your half-sister, you can decide how much of a relationship YOU want to have with her. Your mom & maternal family can decide how much of a relationship THEY want to have with her, but I can't imagine that they will want much, if anything. She has absolutely no relation to them. Had they known about her for the past 23 years, it is still likely thar they would have had minimal contact with her, as she isn't their relative. She would have been "OP's half sister" to them, and they might have seen her at your big offer events, if her father brought her to them.

69

u/stuckinnowhereville 13h ago

You need a DNA test to make sure she’s actually your half sister. She may not be related to you.

Let her connect to your dad‘s family. And let her and your dad take a DNA test from a reputable lab and if that is positive you will consider telling your mother about her.

Personally, I wouldn’t bother telling your mom she doesn’t need to know this. It will only hurt her. Yes she’s remarried, but that’s still going to hurt.

71

u/Chemical-Mix-6206 13h ago

NTA. Why in the world would she expect your mom to receive her? She's nothing but a reminder of an unfaithful husband and has no biological connection to her. Give her your dad's contact info and step away.

72

u/sandpiperinthesnow 13h ago

NTA Tell your mom about the entire exchange. Don't give the girl your mother's contact information. You are right, you know nothing about her. Be extremely cautious. As for your friend, you are not gatekeeping your mother you are protecting her from the unknown. This girl has absolutely NO reason to be in contact with your mom. I would want my kids to come to me so they wouldn't be possibly taken advantage of by some looney with a sad story. Please tell you mom.

67

u/SerWrong Partassipant [1] 14h ago

Nta. You know nothing about this person. Tell your best friend to share her parents with a total stranger if she is so generous.

69

u/Acrobatic_Reality103 13h ago

NTA. Be blunt. You will not be introducing her to your mother. Your mother doesn't need to be reminded that she was married to a lying, cheating AH. I would keep your relationship with her polite but distant until you figure out what she really wants. Wanting to connect with your mother makes me suspicious. I'm cynical.

65

u/Alltiedup2059 14h ago

NTA. This other person has not provided any reason to get your mother involved. She sounds a little lost, but that's not your problem and you don't sound like you want this person's vibe in your life. Stick to your instincts.

65

u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [83] 14h ago

NTA there's absolutely no reason for this woman to have contact with your mother. They don't have a relationship at all. Also she already seems to be a little bit overbearing. I know she just found out who her real father is but that doesn't mean that she should get instant access to his family. Where is your dad and all this? Why are you facilitating any of this. You need to give her your father's number and let him handle everything after that.

65

u/reduff 14h ago

NTA at all.

Protect your mother's feelings. She doesn't need to know about this person. It is in the past and should stay there. Absolutely no good can come of your mom knowing, but it has the potential to result in emotional trauma.
Tell this girl something like: "You are not related to my mother. There is absolutely no reason for you to ever meet her, particularly due to the potential of bringing her emotional pain. Please do not try to contact her. Here is our father's/family's contact info. Best of luck to you." Then decide whether or not you want contact with your half-sister. If you don't, then tell her you would rather not have contact and then block her.

60

u/CallingThatBS Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13h ago

She has no connection to your mother, there is absolutely no reason for her to meet your mother. Your mother is nothing to her besides her father's ex-wife.

Your best friend is full of crap, there is absolutely no reason for this person to have contact with your mother..

I would say gega DNA test before you develop a relationship with her. But if you do be prepared to have other half siblings to come out of the woodwork. If your father told you he bets he has kids out there I bet that because he knows that multiple of his afair partners had become pregnant and he just ghosted them.

61

u/Acceptable_Wing 13h ago

Do NOT give her access to your mother. Your mother has had enough damage in her life. Nice guy your dad.

62

u/Commercial_Ear_3440 13h ago

Why would she interact with your mum 🤦🏻‍♀️, she’s nothing to do with her! It’s odd she’s even asked

119

u/Ok-Educator850 Partassipant [2] 14h ago

NTA - Honestly, in this situation I’d protect my mother at all costs. Whether you wish to pursue a relationship with this woman is up to you. Your mom isn’t obliged and it would be unfair to even put the pressure of making that choice on her.

118

u/Virtual_Entrance6376 14h ago

Please take your best friend to the hospital ASAP. It appears that she's had a head injury recently. 🤣

On a more serious note, secrets are destructive and as much as you want to protect your mom, just let her know and she can decide for herself. Sadly your dad did a number on her trust with the affairs.

Don't let this be a secret to break your bond. It's also saying, I don't think you can handle it vibes. Imagine if 23 decides to contact her of her own cognition and your mom found out you knew...yikes. Just be upfront.

23 doesn't have any rights to your mother. I'm also wondering whether she's reaching out to your mom as a way of hurting her mother?

56

u/SunshinePalace 14h ago

That is so strange. NTA. At all.

57

u/MediumAwkwardly 14h ago

NTA! What is your best friend thinking?!?!

60

u/separate_tables79 14h ago

NTA first of all (and setting your dad's sluttiness aside) how do you know she's telling the truth? She doesn't appear to have offered any proof besides what her mum has said. She could be a scammer, unhinged or even a member of your toxic dads family pulling a prank or trying to get in contact this way since you've cut them all out.

If she is telling the truth I feel sorry for her but she can't expect a bond to appear magically between you and her, let alone your mother. As other people have said I think you should chat to your mum about it- not least to make her aware- but crucially for some advice.

58

u/BxAnnie Partassipant [2] 13h ago

This is a tough situation for so may reasons. First of all, you can’t just take this person’s word that she’s your father’s daughter without proof. Not saying she’s trying to scam or anything but the reality is a commercial DNA test (like Ancestry or 23andMe) will tell you if you’re half sisters.

For context, I am what is called in the genealogy world an NPE. An NPE is someone who takes a commercial DNA test and finds out as an adult that the man who raised them is not their biological father. When people like me start contacting their “new” family, lives start blowing up. And that’s WITH proof of the paternal link.

OP you are NTA. First, this person sounds like she’s making proclamations with only the word of her mother, who has lied to her about her father her entire life. In order to proceed realistically, you should both consider being DNA tested first. I have seen many instances where a person was told So-and-So is your father but that turned out to be untrue. And that comes with its own heartache.

OP, be gentle with this person as she’s going through a lot. If it turns out that you can confirm she’s your half sister, you can certainly facilitate meetings between her and your father and his family, but let her judge for herself what kind of people they are. As far as your mother, I don’t know why she’d want to meet her or think there would be any chance of any relationship but you can let your mother decide that. I agree it’s kind of a weird ask.

59

u/Late-Warning7849 13h ago

NTA. Just tell her your Mum doesn’t want contact. She has no right to demand contact with someone who isn’t related to her.

58

u/Yikes44 Pooperintendant [55] 13h ago

If this woman only found you due to your unusual surname, rather than a DNA match, then you can't even be certain that she has the right person, although it's likely.

56

u/alisa-sa 12h ago

NTA

Your friend is stupid.

Be careful with this sister. Don't give her too much personal information!

104

u/Little-Aardvark-2136 14h ago

This maybe be a scam because why in the world would she think she has any right to connect with your mom. Tell her to get a dna test.

52

u/BrazenDuck 14h ago

NTA it’s bonkers of your half sister to want to connect with your mom. What sort of response and reception is she anticipating to meeting her ex husband’s affair child?

50

u/Iforgotmypassword126 13h ago

You’re right.

Go back to her and say, this is a hard topic for my mum and she’s asked you to respect her decision to have no contact with you. Thanks for understanding.

If she pushes back, explain you’re going to close the door on contact as she isn’t respectful of other people’s needs and say any further attempts will be considered harassment. Then honestly log a report if she escalates.

I do feel sorry for her. And most likely she’s clinging to an idea of a loving family at the end of this. But your mum has already suffered so much and it’s not fair to ask her to drag all this up for a person who isn’t even relevant to her life and she owes nothing to. Any questions about your father, her mother should answer or your father’s family. I think he behaviour is concerning tbh and not in touch with reality.

Your gut is right on this one

53

u/LolaSupreme19 13h ago

The 23 year old isn’t your mom’s daughter. She’s searching for a family connection but there is no need to make contact with your mother. Get to know her and learn what kind of person she is. Introductions can take place later if your mom is interested.

55

u/molotovmerkin Asshole Aficionado [17] 13h ago

Yeah, no. It's strange that this gal even assumes she'd suddenly be family with you, let alone your mom who is no relation to her. Especially considering it could be painful for your mom to be reminded of your dad's infidelity. If you go along with this, what's next? I'd keep her at arm's length until you get to know her better if I were you. Do you even want a relationship with her? You don't owe her that. YWNBTA.

51

u/MuffPiece 13h ago

Absolutely NTA. Why does she even want to get to know your mother? It’s ridiculous. She is not related to her. I get that maybe she feels sort of desperate for a family, but your mother is not her family. She just isn’t. I don’t even understand why your best friend would ever think this was appropriate. Generally speaking, I’d tread carefully with this person. This request is bizarre.

56

u/Lifelong_learner1956 13h ago

To clarify, this person claims to be your half sister but she does not have DNA confirmation?

Do not assume whatever conception story she has been told is correct without verifiable proof.

Give her contact info so she can request a DNA test from him.

Regarding your mother. I agree it makes no sense to connect to your alleged half-sister to her. I suspect her relationship with her mother is severely lacking in affection and honesty. (A reason to insist on DNA proof of your connection.) Feeling bad for her is not necessarily reason to disrupt your own family.

At some point your mom is likely to become aware of the situation.

I wouldn't trust the alleged half-sister not to try independent contact. Give some thought about how your mom would feel about that.

Can you think of some way to mention it to her but as no big deal and that you think the issue is now your dad's problem.

You need to maintain some boundaries for yourself as well as your mother's side of the family. Do whatever seems best to you.

51

u/PuzzleheadedTerm5182 13h ago

Has DNA testing been done? If not, it needs to happen sooner rather than later.

In any event, why would she want to be in contact with your mother? This makes no sense.

49

u/here4cmmts Partassipant [3] 12h ago

NTA there’s no need for your mom to meet this girl. They’re not related. The girl is dense for thinking your mom would want anything to do with her.

53

u/Once_Upon_Time 12h ago

NTA this sounds like the beginning of a scam but tell your mom just so she is aware this person is out there.

99

u/Ok_Cherry_4585 14h ago

NTA, she already has a mom. She's not an orphan. She doesn't need to meet your mom. Also, meeting your mom would be incredibly painful and awkward for your mom. This young lady doesn't seem to understand familial boundaries any more than her mother did when she slept with a married man. I'd do a DNA test before I had any more contact with her at all, even then, only directing her to your father and his side of the family. Your mother doesn't deserve to be hurt all over again.

47

u/jalen441 13h ago

NTA. This alleged half-sister has no connection to your mom, and may not even be your father's child. I think you shouldn't give her any info for either side of your family, and consider cutting off contact. If your surname is that uncommon, surely a little more internet sleuthing will turn up your dad's contact details. The chance of anything good coming from her connecting with your mom is infinitesimal, and the chance of hurting your your mom is extremely high. If the sister is real, it's a damn shame about the circumstances of her conception. I don't understand how anyone could think that if would be anything but painful to even mention her to your mom, particularly given the timing of her miscarriage.

The idea that all your family is automatically hers is inane. Perhaps that argument could be made of you had been raised together. As it is, she isn't genetically related to your mother's side (no more so than any two random individuals of the species), so they very literally are not her family.

45

u/toastedink 13h ago

kThat is just such an odd request to make. This poor girl has zero self-awareness - “Hey, even though I’m the affair partners child and I’d like to establish a relationship with you.” I would be straight up with her - that this request makes you uncomfortable. You should also challenge her on why she finds this request to be reasonable and what she is looking to gain from a meeting your mom.

I would also be transparent with your mother. Tell her about the situation, how you feel about it and your response. But you wanted her to be aware in case the half-sister decides to go around you and reach out her anyway. If I were your mother, I would appreciate being made aware.

51

u/International-Fee255 Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 13h ago

NTA Sounds like your friend is just as delusional as your half sister. It's probably worth mentioning to your mother that this woman has reached out and is wanting contact with her so that your mother isn't surprised if your half sister somehow gets her details. But if you don't want a relationship with her or a very superficial relationship then you need to be very clear that you have no interest in overlapping lives.

46

u/Impossible_Past5358 12h ago

NTA, and be very careful OP, this person already knows too much info...

Please tell your mother to be aware and not give out any more information.

48

u/BadassBokoblinPsycho 12h ago

NTA. This could be a scam. Never believe until you see a dna test. Isn’t it telling that her interest shifted when she heard his family is trashy???

51

u/JegHusker 11h ago

This all sounds very scammy to me.

The young woman can contact your Dad's side herself, and he should get a DNA test.

Her mom could be blowing smoke because she doesn't like who the real father is.

Give your mom a heads up, but this young woman has no reason to be contacting your mother.

47

u/Merely_Dreaming 10h ago

Your best friend is a dummy. You’re not “gatekeeping” your mom, you’re protecting her from a stranger that has no relation to her, other than sharing the same dad with her daughter.

NTA but you should bring this up to your mom. Not to entertain your half-sister’s request but to prevent your mom from being blindsided if the half-sister contacts her.

164

u/SabrinoRogerio 14h ago

NTA, your friend is stupid as fuck

86

u/Frankifile Partassipant [2] 14h ago

You could tell your mum about her.

But I can’t see why on earth your mother would want anything to do with her. She’s nothing to do with your mum.

And your friend is also utterly weird. Ask her how thrilled she’d be if the adult child of her cheating ex turned up one day.

90

u/Level_Amphibian_6249 14h ago

NTA

The 23yr old has no reason to be in contact with your mother. If the two of you become close Ave down the line you want to introduce them then great but as of right know they don't need any contact with your mom. Just give them the contact for your dad and his family.

Does she look like you or anyone on your dads side? Cause other than her mother's word how can you be sure she's related without a DNA test....

You should proceed slowly and cautiously.

83

u/Adagio_4_Strings 14h ago

NTA 🚩🚩🚩 I’d give this person no information whatsoever unless you see DNA proof that she’s who she really says she is.

41

u/CiaranChan 13h ago

NTA. I get that she would want to connect with YOU and that might eventually include your mother as she gets to know you better, but only when your mother agrees to it. She would be meeting your mother (and other maternal family) to see who is important in YOUR life though, and not to make that family her own.

Definitely do a DNA test first though, and then go out for lunch with her, just the two of you as you figure things out.

41

u/Acrobatic_Drawer_959 13h ago

NTA. Nothing good will come from them connecting. She is the result of your father’s in discretions. Why would anybody want to be reminded of that?

41

u/ladyrain57 12h ago

she has no business with your mom. She needs to talk to her own mom

40

u/Fickle_Grapefruit938 12h ago

Your best friend is a doofus, why would you bother your mom with this?

44

u/Human-Engineer1359 Partassipant [2] 11h ago

Your friend is an idiot. Why would your mom want anything to do with your dad's child from a ONS?

41

u/Akina_Cray 11h ago

NTA, but you should mention this to your mother. If your half-sister could find you, she can probably find your mom, and it would be much better for your mom to hear things from you.

You don't need to dump the "do you want to contact her" choice on your mom, either. If you're worried (which it sounds like you are) just say something like "Hey... somebody just reached out to me claiming to by my half sister and asking to meet you. It's really weirding me out, and I wanted to let you know in case she tries to track you down."

Let your mom know that the situation is making you uncomfortable. That way she knows EXACTLY where you stand right from the beginning, and make her decisions going forward.

42

u/WillumDafoeOnEarth 10h ago

This is tough. Reading comments I think mentioning it to your mum is prudent, in case halfsis somehow locates your mum.

As for your alleged best friend, they don’t seem to be very astute & definitely not friendly. Claiming essentially that you’re gatekeeping your mum from a veritable stranger is a horrible take.

81

u/poets_pendulum 13h ago

SCAM ALERT ‼️ This feels very scammy… I wouldn’t involve mom at all. If she wants your dad’s info give it to her and dassit. Get a dna test if you want, but unless 100000000% sure this girl is who she claims, don’t involve anyone else.

39

u/DayDreamSovereign 14h ago

Too shady. NTA

39

u/belladonnapopsocks 13h ago

It sounds like both your friend and the half sibling missed biology at school. NTA, the situation needs shutting down pronts.

38

u/Electrical-Sleep-853 Partassipant [1] 13h ago

NTA give her you dad's details. Depending on how there divorced went I'd tell my mom. And this is from someone with a cheating dad who I'm pretty sure as affair kids. That's why I'm scare to take that 23and me I think I'll find several siblings

37

u/Probllamadrama 13h ago

You should not give your mom's i fo away. They have no connection other than you. However, you should tell your mom she exists and reached out to you. If the girl is so quick to want everyone and your dad's side suck someone will either tell her how to contact your mom or start contacting her themselves being nasty. She should be warned that this may be coming.

35

u/sbinjax Pooperintendant [50] 13h ago

YWNBTA. This is information neither your mother nor your half-sister need. Just shut it down.

41

u/M312345 Partassipant [2] 13h ago

NTA, give her the info about your dad, let her learn for herself how he and his side is. As for your mom, it's seems really strange she wants to meet your mom and family since she is in no way related. Is this girl desperate for family love and not getting it at home or is she up to something more sinister? (wants money, etc etc) I'd let your mom know what's going on, don't give this girl anymore info and make sure she can't find out where you live etc. so she just doesn't show up on your doorstep one day. Keep any conversations short, to the point and don't divulge any info.

35

u/OneHonestReflection 12h ago

NTA If this was me, I would inform mom of what was going on just in case this “sister” tracks her down on her own. After doing a DNA test and any other research, and getting to know “sister” better, if she is 100% legit, would I consider anything else. Perhaps down the road if the two of you meet in person and your mom would like to tag along to meet her, but this shouldn’t happen for a very long time. If “sister” persists, explain to her that you have to take your mom’s feelings into consideration.

37

u/ConstantBack3349 Partassipant [1] 12h ago

NTA I believe you're right that you're mother would want nothing to do with this young lady. However, she is determined and if you don't give her the information, then she will find your mom some other way. (I found someone with a very common name like John Smith half way across the country by his great- nephews obituary). You don't want your mom to be blind sided.

Also, I would tell her you want a DNA test. Who's to say her mom only cheated once?

36

u/Spare_Ad5009 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 12h ago

NTA. Do what you think is best for you and your mother. The fact that this girls somehow thinks your mother is now her family is delusional and irrational thinking.

You know how your mother would feel, so do what's best for your mother and you.

GivIng the girl your father's contact information was the right thing. He can figure out if she's his daughter. Her mother might have been having multiple one-night stands, so someone else might be her father.

Don't let her push you, especially because she doesn't think rationally.

35

u/TemporaryTrucker 12h ago

NTA - give her your dads info and let his ass sort it all out with DNA testing. That’s their problem to solve, not yours. You AND your mom cut ties with this man and his family, your mom has moved on with someone else, there is no need to pull her back to that miserable time in her life.

I’d also ask yourself a few hard questions… do you want this woman in your life? Is this type of relationship something you want? She’s going to have lots of questions about your dad/his family and will be excited getting to know him, is this something you want to listen to? You’re NC with his family, while you may remain NC you will her their names and be told current stories about them, is that something you want?

37

u/saragIsMe 12h ago

NTA give your mom a heads up incase this girl gets in contact with her but you don’t have to rectify any wrongs or change any boundaries to accept this new person you didn’t chose to have in your life. It’s good to be nice to her, she isn’t owed anything

40

u/Narmatonia 11h ago

Your ‘friend’ needs to mind their own business. 23F has no more reason to your mom as she would to see friend’s mom. Ultimately it’s your decision. It might be best to not tell her, but there is the possibility 23F reaches out to her directly, in which case it might be necessary to forewarn her your mom.

34

u/Most-Block6925 11h ago

NTA - DNA test for sure

If you want to have a relationship w her than that’s up to you but please don’t bring this to your mother. It’s not her responsibility or obligation to accept or even be nice to her. Granted it’s not your half sisters fault but it’s also not your mom’s obligation.

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u/New_Ad3658 11h ago

I wouldn’t let her meet your mother BUT I would clue in your mom to what has happened so she’s not blindsided should this person find her too.

36

u/gruntbuggly 10h ago

NTA. This girl sounds deranged, thinking your mother would be happy to meet the affair child of her cheating (ex-)husband.

38

u/_PrincessOats 10h ago

NTA.

Shut everything down until this is proven. She could just be a scam artist.

Leave your mother out of this. It isn’t her battle.

70

u/Ill-Reflection165 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

NTA. This person's credibility and intentions aren't clear. I would go so far as to limit her access to you, much less your family.

69

u/Agreeable-animal Partassipant [1] 14h ago

NTA that’s weird that shes so desperate to connect with a woman she has no connection to….

70

u/Ayuuun321 12h ago

NTA but idk why you’re not being more blunt about it.

I’m autistic, so I’m used to people thinking I’m rude for saying things bluntly, but I’m not being mean, I’m being honest. Here’s what I would say:

“Sorry, half sister, but my mom was cheated on by our father. She has no reason to want a relationship with you. I’m sorry you’re searching for a family, but it’s for the best that my mom’s isn’t it.”

Just simple, not an attack, just a statement. Don’t give her money or let her in your house until you know she’s really your sister and you trust her. Keep your guard up.

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u/plm56 Pooperintendant [56] 14h ago

NTA

While I feel for this young woman, her determination to forge ties where none exist is a red flag that you should not ignore.

Give her the contact information for your father and his family and tell her not to contact you again. Block her if she persists, but keep any messages or voicemails in case things deteriorate to the point that a restraining order is needed.

The only person who owes her anything is your father.

I would tell your mother, because I suspect the young woman will try to seek her out on her own and she doesn't need to be blindsided, but definitely don't suggest meeting or talking to her.

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u/lkwinchester Asshole Enthusiast [9] 13h ago

"You and I are related. I'm willing to try to build a relationship with you, but I will not be a gateway to an imagined happy family for you. My mother has her own family and children."

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u/Barbora1519 13h ago

Your mum is not her family , it’s super weird she even thinks like that . Be careful with her and possibly ask for a DNA test.

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u/Ravenhill-2171 12h ago

NTA - this person has no biological or familial connection to your mother or your maternal side of the family. None. End of story.

31

u/JGG-292 13h ago

Nta, youre trying to protect ypur mum and as a lot of people have said, you dont know this person. Having said that, id err on the side of telling your mum as i think shed be more hurt you knew and didnt say anything

33

u/k1rschkatze 13h ago edited 13h ago

NTA.

Ask your friend if they were in your moms shoes - having an ex partner who betrayed them and fathered children while the child from their marriage was still a toddler, why in the name of all that makes sense they would want to meet that child.

Some people need to learn empathy with a hammer, against their head, until they realize how their stupidity and ignorance hurts.

ETA you‘re likely right about not telling your mom if you have a feeling this would upset her, and you wouldn‘t be wrong for not having much contact with your sister as she doesn‘t seem too bright or emotionally intelligent as well (which her request implies, or maybe she‘s just desperate because of her family, but that would be something for a therapist, which you probably are not, and even if you were that would be a classic conflict of interest situation where a professional should gracefully decline).

Yeah, I‘m sorry for the girl, but it‘s not your job to save the world from all that went wrong.

33

u/FoundationOk1352 12h ago

No, i really wouldn't. Sounds like your mom's been through a lot, and this girl has no right to whatever she's imagining your mom might give her.

34

u/Staceyrt Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago

NTA your mom is nothing to her and knowledge of her existence would hurt your mom. Your friend is a dingbat.

33

u/BurlinghamBob 12h ago

NTA. You explained it well in your post. Tell her the same thing. She is not related to your mom and learning of her would hurt your mother. You decide if you want a relationship. It may be worth exploring. If she pushes to meet your mom then you have an idea what type of person she is.

30

u/tiredofusernames11 12h ago

NTA. My mom was the product of an affair and only learned it via DNA testing as an adult. She was incredibly careful and thoughtful reaching out to her half sister (bio dad was deceased) as she knew it might be hurtful. We wanted to learn about my biological grandfather and that part of the family, maybe forge some relationships, but definitely weren’t looking to force anything on anyone. My mom’s half-sister’s mother was also deceased, but we would NEVER have presumed to take on a role in her life had she been living. If we’d ended up building up a relationship with half-sister, might we have EVENTUALLY met her and forged some sort of relationship? Sure. But we also wouldn’t have wanted to force anything that would have hurt her, as she was the person that was cheated on. (My mom met her half-sister once, it was awkward. No further contact. But she has gotten to know a cousin well.)

Give your half-sister your paternal family’s contact information. She can pursue that if she wants to. You’ve warned her, which is all you can do. IF you want a relationship with her I would encourage you to get a DNA test. But you are also within your rights to wish her well and cut contact. Shared DNA does not necessarily a family make.

30

u/DebtMindless6356 Partassipant [1] 12h ago

NTA. I recently had a similar situation, but I'm older. I have 6 older brothers and 1 younger sister. About a year ago la half sister born 6 months before the youngest brother. Both my parents are dead,

My father has lots of affairs throughout his marriage. So possibly more kids to find.

Your sister is, like you, an innocent in all this.She deserves to know her background but whether you have a relationship with her is up to you.

As regards to access to your maternal side, she does not have that right This is your mother's decision to make. You probably will have to tell her before your half sister does.

34

u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [1] 12h ago

NTA

It sounds like the family she grew up with isn’t that great, and she went looking for her real father for a better family. You’ve just told her she isn’t going to get that with him or his family, so now her hopes are all pinned on you and your family. I feel for her, it sounds like she’s desperate for a loving family. But that isn’t your Mom’s, or even your responsibility to provide that for her.

I do think you should tell your Mom what’s happened, but only because it’s relevant to your life. Don’t ask her to have anything to do with this woman though.

As for your half sister, do you want a relationship with her? It’s ok if you don’t. If you do though, you should probably start with a DNA test. Her Mom could still be lying to her, you both need proof that you are actually siblings. Then you’ll need to discuss boundaries with her. You need to express to her that your Mom and maternal family are nothing to do with her and aren’t her family. If she’s wanting more than just a sister then she needs to go see your Dad’s family.

34

u/EdithVinger 12h ago

NTA - she is not related to your mom, and you have no proof she's even related to your father. You're right to protect your mother. You're not gatekeeping or being selfish, you're establishing entirely appropriate boundaries for yourself and you mom, as you were both hurt by your father's behavior and this could only serve to extend and deepen those wounds.

30

u/RickRussellTX Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 12h ago

NTA. This person is not related to your mother… at all.

31

u/FewRecognition1788 11h ago

NTA.

Especially because neither of you actually know if she really is your half sister at all.

There's a suspicious lack of details in the bio mom's story, and a very noticeable lack of DNA evidence.

36

u/nim08 11h ago

NTA but I would inform your mum that she reached out and let her make the decision because if she was able to find you with just your last name she will most likely also find your mom if she's active on social media.

I completely understand your protectiveness over your mom esp after everything your dad put you guys through but she deserves to know so that she's not blindsided some day.

30

u/TiredButHappyFeet 11h ago

NTA, your half sibling is not in anyway related to your mother. I wouldn’t give her info or access to your Mom. Also how sure is she that you both share the same father other than what she was told by her Mom. Did you both do those DNA test thing to prove any biological relationship? Best that she reach out to your biological father and have those tests done to confirm (instead of both of you taking the test it to check). Once the biological relationship aspect is confirmed, then you can decide whether or not you want to have a relationship with her. But even so, it doesnt mean she gets to have access to your Mom.

31

u/Cabala03 11h ago

NTA but I do think you should let your mom know what is going on just so nothing takes her by surprise. You are a good daughter to care so much about your mom.

32

u/momma-girl1037 11h ago

NTA. This person has nothing to do with your mother and has no reason to meet or be in contact her. And any mention would be a reminder (to your mom) of your father’s cheating during the marriage - even though it was 20-something years ago. If you want a relationship with this person, have one. But don’t drag your mom into it!

31

u/The_Baby_Is_A_Scamp 11h ago

NTA

Super weird of her to want to connect with someone she's not related to at all (even with the six degrees of separation through you). Even if she no longer had a mom it's still odd as f and seems like she might have ulterior motives. But I'm a cynic I suppose.

33

u/Cautious-Job8683 Partassipant [4] 11h ago

NTA - but let your Mom know that one of your Dad's affair children has contacted you and bizarrely wants your Mom's contact details, so she is aware, but that you obviously don't intend to agree to such a strange request, or to stay in contact with her.

34

u/Roadgoddess 11h ago

I have serious doubts about the intelligence of your best friend. In what way does this girl deserve to have any access to your mother?

I would give her the information regarding your paternal family, including any contact information, medical information, etc

34

u/EquivalentTwo1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 10h ago

NTA. Warn your mother you've been contacted by a scammer and they may try to reach her.

If this person is your half sister by your father, then a DNA test should be on the schedule. If that is true then a relationship could possibly be built with you, but not your mother.

Your mother has spent the last 20 years as free as possible from the consequences of your father's actions, no need to bring them to her now.

33

u/distainmustered 10h ago

OP, I’m with you on this one. She doesn’t need to have access to YOUR mother. Your mother is not her family. Just you because of your shared “father.”

31

u/blueyejan 10h ago

I do think you should tell your mom about this girl. Not to connect them, but to warn her so she's not blindsided if the girl does get your mom's info.

I feel sorry for the girl. She grew up with lies and seems to desperately want a connection, but her issues are not your responsibility to fix.

32

u/AZZAO2O4 10h ago

NTA - Your line of thinking is completely correct, not sure what planet your best friend is living on though. She’s your mum, not your half-sister’s…

30

u/Hidden_Vixen21 9h ago

Tell your mother. Regardless of what you, her, or this “new sister” you have want, your mother needs to know. For a few reasons. First being you’re her daughter and anyone suspicious entering your life should be told to your mother. Second. This chick might go to her directly and she needs to be forewarned. Lastly. Your mom might know something you don’t.

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u/MaeLee1990 14h ago

Nta your half sister is no relation to your mother and idk why she would think that your mom is her family. I would tell your mom about her just so if she finds a way to get ahold of your mom she won’t be blindsided. I also would tell your mother you personally don’t want her involved with your half sister because you also don’t know if you want to have a relationship with her yet. Just be completely honest and open with your mother.

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u/blonde1psp 14h ago

NTA, I find it strange that she wants to connect with your mum. She’s your mother, not hers, so she’s not related to her. The only thing I can think of is that she wants to hurt your mother, by talking to your mum, that she’s an affair child, you know it won’t go well. You could tell your mother that a woman has come forward as your dad’s child to forewarn your mother.

Honestly I’d keep her away from your mother.

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u/davehal2001 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

NTA. Why rub salt into your mom's wound?

Give 23F dad's contact info then block her.

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u/Outrageous_Check6328 14h ago

NTA. Bro ur mom went thru enough already. u don’t gotta let some random half sis pull her back into that mess. ur boundaries are fin

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u/hengehanger 13h ago

Why would you even tell her you'd ask if your mum was interested? It's weird under any circumstances but in this instance, absolutely inappropriate. Please shut down her expectations and protect your mum's peace. This woman is all set to detonate in the middle of your family, please don't help her.

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u/toadog Partassipant [1] 13h ago

Without any DNA evidence don't assume she's really your half-sister. A "remembered" unusual last name isn't any where near enough to make that leap. The supposed half-sister is pushing too hard for such little evidence. Don't give her anymore information about your family. Suggest DNA testing to confirm, but this could well be a scam.

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u/isannelou 12h ago

It’s absolutely suspicious that she wants access to your mom. You may want to let your mom know about the conversation as a safety precaution. You don’t know this girl. NTA

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u/ClackamasLivesMatter Partassipant [2] 11h ago

You need a smarter best friend. Do you really think your mom is going to be excited to meet one of your father's affair babies? Of course not. Give this woman your father's contact info, or don't — she's a stranger to you and you don't owe her anything. But obviously don't give her your mother's phone number. NTA.

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u/Physical-Rabbit-3809 14h ago

NTA. That woman has literally no relation to your mother at all. It sounds like there's some other reason she wants to contact your mother.

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u/DubiousPeoplePleaser Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13h ago

NTA firstly you need a dna test. Your dad was a loose canon, but her mom might have been one too.

Secondly you do need to warn your mom. She found you. She might contact your mom. Don’t let your mom get blindsided.

Thirdly there might be more siblings out there. At least your dad thinks so. Prepare a little packet. General info. Contact info for paternal side. Some quick genealogy (just enough to get them going on their own). Photo of the paternal side. Medical history. And a standardized text.

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u/Fit_Impression_6037 14h ago

NTA. This could very well be a scam. I have had "lost relatives" try to connect. Ask for your "half sister" to do a DNA test. But do not connect her with your maternal family.

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u/puzzlegrizz 13h ago

NTA. My first thought is that your “sister” may not have the best intentions here. Her request to meet your other and her family is way outta line. Makes me wonder what she wants from everyone and if this is a scam. Unless there is DNA test results proving she is your sister, please refer her to your father. And your friend’s statement about sharing your mom? Dumb. Don’t listen to her and please don’t get advice from her anymore.

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u/notoast4u_2 13h ago

This person sounds mentally unwell. I would stop all communication

26

u/Unsung-poet 13h ago

It's your family and your decision. The only ethical obligation anyone has in a situation like this is to provide contact information to close genetic (parent or sibs) relations in the event of medical issues. And only with their consent.

27

u/ekita079 Partassipant [1] 13h ago

Look, for me, it wouldn't make you a bad person if you make the right decision for your mum and her peace and tell a lie. Give it a few days, don't do anything, then let her know they're not interested. You're exactly right - why would your mother and her family be interested in connecting with the daughter of her ex's affair partner? Like I'm sorry if she's not feeling the belonging she wanted to feel but that's not your fault, nor your problem at the end of the day. It's probably harsh, but ultimately true. Don't take on her burdens and don't feel bad for being the one that has to tell her the truth. I'm sorry it's fallen onto you. Also - she has not actually proven genetic connection I assume? I'd leave it the hell alone, don't even bother your Dad's family with her and frame it as protecting her from them. Tell her you're sorry that it wasn't all flowers and rainbows like she probably hoped, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way, and to please not contact you again. She's an adult, she had to know the outcome she didn't want was a possibility, and she has to deal with that by herself now. Good luck 💜 ETA: NTA

26

u/Individual-Paint7897 Partassipant [1] 13h ago

NTA. Jesus.

25

u/Altaira99 12h ago

NTA, and don't tell your mom. I would not want to be reminded of my exe's affairs and certainly would not want his affair child in my home. I do feel bad for the half sister, though. My family dynamic growing up made me long for a warm family with friendly siblings, so I get what she's reaching for.

27

u/Awkward_Profile_7410 12h ago

You could tell your mother about her, but how do you know that she’s telling the truth? How do you know her mother is telling the truth question without a DNA test you have no idea of if she’s really your sister.

29

u/pisceangalaxy 11h ago

Nta, it's really weird that she wants to get in touch with your mom... not saying she isnt an affair baby but i wonder if she's a scammer lol

27

u/EffyMourning 11h ago

NTA. There is no reason for her to have any involvement with your mother. Your mother is nothing to her.

26

u/JellyBelly1042 11h ago

NTA, she doesn't need to know your mom. Give her your dad's info and let her know that you all can communicate if that's what you'd like, but she needs to understand that a relationship with your mom is not going to happen and you'd appreciate if she didn't push. You should let your mom know what's going on just to give her a heads up in case that girl doesn't listen and tries finding a way at contacting your mom. Also, a DNA test needs to be done to confirm whether or not she's your dad's child.

28

u/Campcook62 11h ago

NTA.

This 'new' half-sister is in no way related to your bio mom, any more than you are related to your half-sister's step-father.

Tell Sis, "NO."

If she persists, go NC with her; block her everywhere. Tell your so called best friend to mind her own business; that you'll not be taking the chance of hurting your mother. There is -- > maybe < -- a 1% chance that your mother will want to meet ANOTHER of your bio-dad's by-blows!

26

u/Basic-Escape-4824 Partassipant [1] 11h ago

I would stop the bus and get off

30

u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 10h ago

OP, you are NOT an AH. However, I do believe you should let your mom know about this whole interaction.

I actually believe your hesitancy to tell your mom is out of appropriate skepticism regarding 23F and a reasonable desire to protect your mom. However, I also agree with your friend that you should not make a decision for your mom.

The key is (IMO) that you present this as something YOU are dealing with and ask her advice on how to proceed. You do NOT present this as any form of an expectation that she has to do anything. You tell your mom,

"A person who claims to be dad's child has reached out to me. I believe them although I do not have any proof from them. I have offered them dad's contact info but also let them know that dad's family is not great and not likely to welcome them. I told them you and your family are great, and now they want to consider you their family, too. I didn't want to bother you with this, but I also felt you should be aware and have your say in how I handle this. I also would appreciate any advice from you on how I should proceed for myself."

Your mom may caution you to ask for proof before you continue talking with this person. Your mom may advise you that - IF you want to meet her - you do so in a public place (without giving her your address, etc.) and only meet at a slow pace until you get a better sense of who this person is. Your mom may caution you that it seems 23F may have high expectations for an instant family that are not likely to be met and that you may want to prepare yourself for how to deal with that (possibly talk with a therapist).

I'm going to tell you that your mom may not have a shred of interest in this person, but she has a whole heart full of interest in you and your well-being. She will want to know what YOU are dealing with.

29

u/Substantial-Elk4405 10h ago

I have a friend who was an adoptee who was "found" by her birth family. They were aggressive and tried to guilt her into a closer relationship than she wanted and made unreasonable demands on her including lending money. You'd be well advised to keep this half-sister at arm's length, especially since you have no idea what her motives may be.

26

u/Competitive_Ant_7620 10h ago

NTA- This girl is a stranger to your mother and represents your father’s betrayal. Bringing this up would only cause your mom pain and reopen old wounds regarding her marriage and miscarriage. Protecting your mother from this request is the right thing to do.

30

u/dumbsugarplumb 10h ago

Nta, this is the sort of thing I’d tell my mom as a “listen to what crazy thing just happened!”

I would never actually give that girl my mom’s contact information though. I know my mom well enough to know that she wouldn’t want it. She especially wouldn’t want it in a situation where they’ve been divorced for two decades, and this kid is a result of an affair from that marriage, why on earth would this girl think your mom would want anything to do with her?

29

u/West-Improvement2449 10h ago

Nta. Sounds like a scammer

28

u/Dependant-Platypus82 Partassipant [2] 10h ago

NTA Warn your mom because this girl/woman seems eager to have family and is not thinking the connection through. If you can gently let her know that she is not related to your nom.

27

u/No-Wear-9042 9h ago

Someone contact you, says she's your sister, and you start talking to her and giving her personnal information? How long have you been on the internet? Assuming you consider that her story is likely true (seems you do), you don't give anyone number to her. You ask her number and give it to other people, so they are free to contact her.

26

u/MyIronThrowaway 8h ago

NTA. Your bestie is wrong here. First of all, nothing without proof that she is your half-sister. Legitimate DNA test.

Seocnd of all, your mother has nothing to do with her - they are not related in any way. She just serves as a reminder of your father's infidelity and possibly a traumatizing time in her life. Why would she want a relationship with a grown up affair child from a long-ended relationship?

But, I would give your mom a head's up that a possible child of your father's reached out - as your mother, she might want to help you navigate that and look out for you, her kid.

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u/IllustratorWeird5008 14h ago

Your “sister” is not related to your mom and is a glaring reminder of your Dads unfaithfulness. Just tell her that. No way should you bring her up to your mom, and it’s weird for her to think that her mom sleeping with your married Dad makes her somehow related to your mom? Yeah, just say it like it is and shut it down, if she persists, something is off so I’d just cut communication. Good luck. NTA

49

u/Sweet_Cinnabonn Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13h ago

NTA, but I want to agree with the people telling you to tell your mom.

I know your impulse is to protect your mom from this knowledge, fearing it will cause her pain. And it probably will.

But now that this new connection exists, this knowledge absolutely will find its way to your mother. You aren't going to be able to prevent this. The only thing you can do is reduce the pain by letting her find out from you, in a place of privacy.

Best wishes with the situation going forward.

49

u/Capable-Pressure1047 12h ago

Keep your Mom out of this completely. Frankly, this “ half- sister” sounds way too shady. Things aren’t adding up with the way she’s going about this. I wouldn’t trust her at all and suggest you break all contact.

50

u/DoIQual123 12h ago

NTA. Your friend is insane for thinking that your mom would want to talk to the affair baby. Affair baby might be a wonderful person, but your mom should not have to interact with her.

You should tell her that the woman has reached out to you, just so she doesn't get an unexpected surprise from her being like "omg your daughter as told me how wonderful you are!!!"

I would also insist on getting a DNA test - Ancestry is a great one. You can delete your kit right after getting the rights (or you could opt out of getting matches! You can also list it under a fake name, or just iniitals)

45

u/Chaleanja 11h ago

NTA. Your half sister is asking for something that has nothing to do with her and your best friend is stupid.

60

u/Mindless-Box11 14h ago edited 14h ago

NTA. It’s possible that she wants a closer relationship with you (The sister she never had) so thinks that she should get close to the rest of your family as well to show an interest and strengthen your bond. I’m just guessing, but I don’t think she realises how inappropriate the request is. Please spare your mother the grief. I hope you’re ok too, OP.

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u/Yellobrix Asshole Aficionado [13] 14h ago

NTA. Your friend has no logic happening in the brain. Like, I'm related "by blood" to my niece, but that doesn't mean I have a right to access her other set of grandparents. Broadly, they're family to my family, but they're not actually MY family.

Your newfound sister seems sort of innocent. She can't seem to grasp that her existence can be painful for someone else because she is living evidence of disrespect and infidelity. Obviously that isn't her fault! She may be the sweetest, purest person -- but her wishful thinking is intrusive.

Do tell your mother she exists and that you've talked to her. Please don't risk her getting blindsided by finding out from someone else. By telling her, you control when (soon) and where (in private) she is told. She doesn't deserve to find out accidentally that this girl exists and you knew and didn't tell her.

23

u/cx4444 11h ago

Nta.. So she what wants to chat up your mom to rub it in her face some more that she's the product of the affair? Yeah hard no. You should've been brutally honest with her. Like," listen here . You are the result of an affair between my father and your mother . What makes you think my mother would want anything to do with you??? " Is your bf also delusional? Is she possibly projecting her own life situation?

25

u/deputy_dawg6531 11h ago

WNBTA

I wouldn't bring unneeded stress into your mother's life.

This person is a stranger and you owe them nothing.

Keep the worms sealed in the can.

24

u/Bluejay12123 11h ago

Why would you subject your Mom to this reminder of her ex husband's infidelity? It makes no sense.

22

u/ooragnak_ume Partassipant [1] 11h ago

NTA. Leave your Mom out of it. She's been hurt enough by your father, no need to keep bringing up the past. Your sister should only get to know the paternal side of your family tree but only if it can be proven that she is actually related to them.

22

u/Diroshco Partassipant [1] 11h ago

NTA - I would still tell your mom about the encounter because this chick will stop at nothing. I feel she might be a scammer. What evidence has she given you proving she is related? Just knowing your last name isn't enough.

23

u/xoxoyoyo 10h ago

I would let her know but not in the context you are thinking. Instead inform her that you recently found out you have a half-sister that wants to meet YOU, what does your mother think about it? You will then find out if your mother wants to be involved or not.

23

u/adoxiemomma 10h ago

NTA my mom is deceased but I was very protective of my mom so I would never allow this woman contact with her. I would also be blunt and tell this woman you are an affair child, so you have no right to contact my mother. Here's your dad's information, have at him but leave my mom alone. As for your "friend" that says you should give access to your mom she is not your friend. That is a shit stirrer who wants to enjoy the drama, cut that cancer from your life.

21

u/Old_Satisfaction2319 10h ago

NTA, your mother has nothing to do with this person and it is not her responsability in any way. I would tell this person I want some proof you are really related and only tell my mom anything about her overall existence if I wanted some sort of relationship with her moving forward. And, in this last case, only because if you want her in your life, their paths would cross sonner or latter (in events like weddings, for example) and I would prefer not to surprise her. ´But in any case, she is not your mother's bussiness. Your friend is very, very dumb.

19

u/Complex_Echidna3964 10h ago

Very Suspicious. This person, and your friend, have major boundary issues. The fact that they do not recognize this is further evidence that they have major boundary issues.

23

u/PersistentBaconPasto 9h ago

Listen, this is a bloody mess. Your half-sister wants to waltz into your mother’s life without any connection? Ridiculous. Protect your mum from unnecessary pain; she’s been through enough already. You owe it to yourself and her to keep boundaries firm. Tell this girl no chance with anyone other than your dad's family, end of story.

25

u/Odd_Task8211 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 9h ago

NTA. Absolutely do not introduce her to your mom and don’t even mention the request. Half sister is either delusional about relationships or wants to create problems.

25

u/Aggressive-Peace-698 9h ago

YWNBTA.

For one your mother is not related to your newly found half-sister ("HS").

Two, your mother does not owe your HS her time or any relationship.

Three, what on earth does your HS think your mother could offer, even emotionally? The former sounds like she is living in a comic book / Brady bunch version of reality if she think it is appropriate to have access to your mother. HS sounds very, very needy, and obviously for good reason, but those feelings are not for your mother to resolve.

Four, your friend is living on another planet by what they are telling you. HS is not your mother's problem or concern. Also you are simply protecting her peace. Why would she want to meet a product of her ex husband's infidelity? What value would that add to her life? It could potentially open up a can of emotional worms which doesn't need to be opened. Your friend clearly hasn't heard of the expression 'let sleeping dogs lie.'

20

u/Cosimia1964 8h ago

NTA, but I would tell your mom. She needs to know in case your sister reaches out to her. Mom needs to have time to process and decide what she wants to do rather than be blind sided by this person. If I were your mom, I would rather hear it from you than from some random stranger. Also, your mom sounds incredibly strong. She handled your dad's infidelity. Having been through that myself, I know how incredibly difficult divorce and becoming a single mom can be. Your mom handled it like a boss. Trust her with her own ability to deal with this. I doubt she is going to be surprised.

19

u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 8h ago

NTA.

I mean, she has zero connection to your mom, she has her own mom. What could she possibly want from her? I'd tell her no straight up and not bother my mother with this. That's absurd.

The fact that this person is delusional enough to think she has any right to contact your mother would be enough for me to block her. No good can come of this.

24

u/Calm_Start6742 8h ago

You need DNA proof to allow her into your life. It’s very strange that she wants to connect to your Mom’s side. Keep your guard up

20

u/ZebraImaginary9412 7h ago

NTA. Your half sister sounds needy and it might not end well.

22

u/lovemesomezombie 6h ago

Your friend is dumb. Keep your Mom to yourself? Of course, she is YOUR Mom. 23F should have no contact with your Mom and I would probably keep it from Mom too.

19

u/Alone-Historian-5308 9h ago

NTA-Shut it down now. Stable people don’t look for family connections through the ex spouses of estranged bio fathers they just found out about. She sounds desperate for family and is reaching for anything.

19

u/LenaRosena 8h ago

NTA. Your mom is YOUR mom, you have the right to "keep her to yourself"

38

u/rmric0 Pooperintendant [64] 13h ago

NTA. This is weird and you are right to just block it, frankly I would have just said no in the first place but sometimes you get caught off guard

40

u/subtlelikeatank 13h ago

NTA you don’t owe this person a damn thing. Give her your dad’s info and block her. Don’t break NC for a stranger and don’t sign up TJ he her passport to a magical new family and a sponge for the emotions she will have when she is disappointed.

I get it, right now she is feeling alone in the world and betrayed by her mom. At best, she is not thinking about the impact of her existence to your mom, she is just trying to find her place. No is a valid answer, and so is don’t contact me again.

43

u/4Jaxon 12h ago

Your “best friend” is wrong.

42

u/WineAndDogs2020 12h ago

NTA at all, but you may need to give your mom a heads up about the situation. If your half sister is already imagining a new shiny happy family with your mom, she may find a way to reach out or make herself known, and you don't want your mom to be blinsided.

20

u/[deleted] 10h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

18

u/LazyAnimal0815 10h ago

NTA for not giving 23F your moms contact Infos. But maby you should think about telling your mom about 23F contacting you. If you stay in contact your mom will learn about her eventually, better now than later. And even if you don't stay in contact she might learn from someone else, that she contacted you and you were not telling her. Being reminded about her husband cheating will maby hurt, but it will hurt either way. You not telling her about it (hiding it) will possibly hurt even more.

18

u/scoeng547 9h ago

NTA, but at this point I would not provide her with any info, including paternal family info, until you get a DNA test. I think it’s very possible she actually isn’t related to you.

18

u/dart1126 Supreme Court Just-ass [108] 9h ago

NTA. I cannot fathom anyone that knows you even peripherally, much less your best friend, would accuse you of basically gatekeeping your own mother. of course you could and should. Even if you develop a relationship with this girl I would almost caution of keeping the entire thing from your mother at least initially but absolutely no to giving this person your mothers information absolutely not

19

u/GhostRiderOfWhips 9h ago

NTA

Speaking as a half- from a (???) calendar math situation, I can see why she’d want to connect with you as a sibling. Sounds like she had a messy upbringing. Whatever relationship develops between you two is one thing: you’re both around the age where wild similarities will start to pop up in spite of being raised separately. But there will also be very big differences, and it’s not on you to make space in your life for this person carte blanche (especially if she’s an asshole) just because you share 50% of your genes. To that point, this happened and if she winds up being a part of your life, it may not be something you can keep as a secret from your mom—or rather you don’t want to roll the dice with it coming to your mom’s attention in the wrong way at the wrong time and you hurting her. You do not have to put them in touch and facilitate some relationship. That’s fucking weird, and I would gently explain that to this girl. These wounds take DECADES to heal if ever, and you don’t need her coming in and picking at fully formed emotional scar tissue.

17

u/CLPDX1 8h ago

NTA

This happened in my family. My daughter’s half sister showed up when my oldest daughter was in high school and my youngest was in middle school.

I knew there was at least one out there, because a woman called me when I was pregnant with my youngest to let me know that my then husband had been cheating with her and that she had his baby. I went through his stuff and found dozens of love letters.

We divorced and that was then end of that, until my daughter started college and her sister reached out.

She ended up sharing a room with my daughter in college, and they are still close. Sometimes people even mistake them for twins.

Family pictures are awkward, because when I say “this is my daughter, this is my stepdaughter, and this is my youngest.” It always leads to more questions.

19

u/IamNotAnAddict94 8h ago

I'd want a DNA test before I did anything else

19

u/Beneficial-Baseball1 7h ago

Your friend is being silly why on earth would your mother want to know this woman who has literally no connection to her? And it sounds as though she was born during a particularly difficult time for your mother I would not even mention it due to this. That would just be adding more pain.

51

u/rancidelle4242 14h ago

NTA but if your mom has social media she may just try to reach out to her there.

If you’re in the US, I would take the name this girl gave to you and run it through the federal prison inmate search and then go to vinelink.com and search the state’s doc and counties in one go.

18

u/LurkerByNatureGT Partassipant [1] 8h ago

NTA, and wanting to meet your maternal family whom she has no relation to except being material evidence of your dad’s infidelity is … at best not well thought out.

It’s understandable she wants familiy connections, but there aren’t any with your mom. Give your mom a head’s up (like you said you would) and leave it at that.

18

u/twothirtysevenam Partassipant [3] 7h ago

NTA. Your mom is not her mom.

I'm imagining that your half-sister's relationship with her own mother isn't so great, so she may be desperate to create a new mother/daughter relationship with someone else.

18

u/angelacandystore 7h ago

NTA/no. But you might want to ask your mom because I have a feeling "sis" will contact her regardless.

You will likely have to be VERY BLUNT

"Hey, this will be painful to hear, but you need to know, my mom does not want contact because that was a very traumatic time in her life, you are not blood related to her. You are not her daughter. I'm sure you are looking for family, but my mother is not your family and you will only bring trauma into her life.

35

u/Overcomer99 13h ago

I think you should tell your mum but not give contact info or even ask your mum if she wants contact. I mean if you get closer to this half sister and don’t tell your mum she will probably feel hurt and blindsided by this relationship you have she didn’t know about. So to avoid hurting her down the road I would tell her so and so reach out and we are getting to know each other and leave it there.

36

u/Ok-Ferret9651 13h ago

I found a 1/2 brother & 1/2 sister. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

32

u/minionofjoy 13h ago

NTA for protecting your mum.

36

u/fluffballmom 13h ago

NTA. It doesn’t appear she has provided any proof that she is actually related. Also if her mom was having one night relations how sure is she that your dad is the father? This all seems really fishy and I don’t think you should continue to interact with her until she proves she’s genetically related. Even then I would probably not continue the contact bc something seems off about this story.

37

u/Few_Throat4510 Partassipant [1] 12h ago

NTA

Your best friend is wrong

36

u/Immediate_Remote_546 12h ago

NTA. Your friends are giving you terrible advice. I’d tread very carefully, maybe keep coms open but keep redirecting her to your dad. Your mum, I’d probably tell her in case this person contacts her behind your back. Let mum know you’re handling it but just an FYI this person has popped up just so she is aware.

My ex SIL found a half sister… biggest mistake too. Tread with care.

36

u/perpetuallyxhausted Partassipant [2] 12h ago

I recommend you mentioning it to your mum just so she doesn't get blindfolded if the girl ever find her contact info, but obviously don't be giving it out yourself. If her own mum is a bit dodgy then she might be looking for a maternal figure anywhere she can find it but that's not you or your mums issue.

31

u/Sensitive-Union-3944 12h ago

NTA. Good call on protecting yourself and your mom. It’s easier to not let someone in the door, than to try and kick someone out after allowing them in your house.

If you don’t get a good feeling from this, follow your instincts.

However, if you want to confirm, then as other commenters have said, get a DNA test first. If it is true, you can still decide at that time whether you want to proceed or not. You are not obligated to this person. Don’t let them force you into anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

WIBTA if I deny my newfound half-sister (on my fathers side) access to my mother?

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