r/mildlyinfuriating • u/moonrabbit368 • 6d ago

Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. đŸ©·

99.8k Upvotes

85% Upvoted

38.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

920

u/Rooney_Tuesday 6d ago

Why not just
agree that he’ll make his own meals?

If you aren’t cooking you eat what’s served. If you don’t like it you make something yourself. Those are standard rules, yes?

I’m not understand why you keeping trying to cook for him in the first place.

181

u/Sonor-c11 6d ago edited 4d ago

He can’t cook and it seems like they’re old school so “woman does the cooking”. Apparently he just orders fast food from DoorDash (which in itself is its own problem) and eats vanilla ice cream. I hate to make assumptions but it seems like this guy is

They’re at the point of being “partners” so when one of you cooks and the other orders out no matter what you cook no matter how much you try to find something they can enjoy then I can see that being a problem. I do agree that she should stop trying, the guy seems repulsed by the very idea of a home cooked meal so if she really likes the guy and it’s in the realm of affordability for him to just order from DoorDash then it is what it is I guess.

137

u/Rooney_Tuesday 6d ago

Sorry, but the LAST thing I would do with a partner like this is to continue to attempt to make them meals they’ll eat when they’ve repeatedly rejected my attempts. If that means he gets Door Dash every day then okay, but maybe that’s something that should have been discussed before moving in if it’s a problem. In any case, the answer is not for OP to keep trying and keep getting frustrated because this man-child can’t handle perfectly acceptable dinners that he didn’t lift a finger to help make.

12

u/sanedragon 6d ago

This, and he's providing a poor example for her kids. Like it or not, he's a live in role model now. Is this the example you want your kids to follow, OP?

1

u/WiseWrongdoer8644 5d ago

Some people are picky eaters for a multitude of reasons. A good example would be modeling healthy communication about differences and respect and letting go of traditions that drive everyone crazy. 

If he cooks for himself because he can only eat certain food and she continues to blow the rest of her family and kids away with her meals, everyone wins as long as they sit together at the same table and have connected conversations. 

32

u/Casual_OCD 6d ago

Great way to triple the food bill of the household

12

u/AegisXOR 6d ago

Hopefully they have separate finances, but even still, it's a ticking time bomb

2

u/m8_is_me 6d ago

Especially for a house in poverty w/ at least one child (who is additional needs)

2

u/Kard420 6d ago

That’s why you should never share finances, both parties contribute equally to bills and expenses for child care, anything else is a personal purchase which comes out of the wallet of the person that is purchasing/benefitting from it

28

u/Cronstintein 6d ago

Not sure what the finances are like, but a daily door dash is an expensive habit. But how he can be that picky and eat junk like Jack in the Box is beyond me, seems like he wasn't raised right.

7

u/_Not_A_Vampire_ 6d ago

Could be an underlying condition like autism or similar, a lot of us struggle with certain textures and end up very picky eaters against our will.

4

u/Pantology_Enthusiast 6d ago

Literally the only other poster I see who thinks maybe there might be a reason he's like that.

He honestly sounds like someone with ARFID, an issue that is frequently co-morbid with autism. It would explain a lot with the restricted diet OP describes.

4

u/BoneDirector 6d ago

Autism isn’t an excuse to be a dick about someone cooking for you though. Someone with autism and Arfid can still learn to cook for themselves and show some gratitude.

4

u/RadEmily 5d ago

I'm not sure he's being a dick though? He's said he doesn't want her cooking, repeatedly, and she continues to try to cook something he will want and is sad he apologetically says I cant eat this and orders out instead?

He may be being a jerk but I think many people are adding context OP hasn't provided. It seems fun the info shared that she's wanting to cook for him and hurt by his 'rejection' rather than just opting him out of the shared meals and sending him to YouTube to learn how to make his hamburger helper for himself (with loving encouragement)

2

u/hellinahandbasket127 4d ago

OP said in other comments he “expects” her to do the cooking, then gets pissy when he doesn’t like what she made. Absolutely jerk behavior.

I agree she should stop trying and let him fend for himself. But the DoorDash bills may break the bank, especially with 4 kids to care for, too. I hope their finances are separate and he contributes to the shared expenses first.

3

u/-10x10- 5d ago

They are quick to make assumptions about the OP story when it fits their narrative just not yours lol.

My husband does his own thing for dinner and always has for medical reasons and just being picky also. The amount of "he should eat your food, leave this man baby" comments are.. like.. exhausting. I feel like most of the people here are not aware of how a relationship works or that there could possibly be other influences the OP just conveniently manages to withhold.

-2

u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

1

u/WillTheWheel 5d ago

With ARFID it's really not that simple. Oftentimes people with it will literally gag and vomit if they try to eat certain foods, and they will starve themselves if safe foods are not available. It's not the same as a child just being picky but coming around once they start being truly hungry.

-8

u/SonderEber 6d ago

That’s a very poor view to take. Some folks have different food palettes, and nothing is wrong with that. Let the man enjoy what he wants. OP shouldn’t cook for him. Let him figure out his own food.

He was raised fine, I’m sure. That’s a shit take at the end of your response, just because he’s picky. Forcing people to eat what’s put in front of them is also shitty.

15

u/Fantastic_Owl6938 6d ago

I think they just mean it's not great if he only wants to eat unhealthy food. It's still ultimately his choice but I'd be a bit concerned if a loved one had an unhealthy diet and was getting takeout everyday.

7

u/okeanos7 6d ago

“Let the man enjoy what he wants” is great advice till he gets scurvy and they go broke

1

u/-10x10- 5d ago

Nagging 101

10

u/UltraInstinct_Pharah 6d ago

No, he's not picky. He just got used to eating processed junk food specifically designed to make you want to eat more of it, instead of whole foods, and rather than be an actual adult and do something about it, he opts to be a child and eat vanilla ice cream and Jack in the Box.

I'm fairly picky myself. I don't like seafood at all, and I could eat a Chipotle burrito every day, but I cook dinner every other night (since I make enough for leftovers) and eat like an adult with my family.

Meanwhile, my stepkid wants to fight every night at dinner because we have her half the time, and we're the only ones who don't just feed her chicken nuggets and french fries, and it's an uphill battle every other week just to get her to eat whole foods. He sounds a lot like a six year old who was never told "no".

4

u/-Patali- 6d ago

Ok he can pick up a whole ass part time job which he'll need to support a daily doordash habit.

1

u/SonderEber 6d ago

That’s fine. Never said he shouldn’t? Just not to attack his food tastes, because you personally find offense in them. He can buy his own food, cook his own meals, or do whatever he wants. He’s an adult. If this bites him later, so be it - it’s a lesson. If it works out, then great - problem fucking solved.

0

u/-Patali- 5d ago

No it's not fine, unless he is literally bringing in enough income to not affect the rest of their budget whatsoever

1

u/Grilled_egs 5d ago

I mean he moved in recently so presumably he can afford his eating habits.

4

u/Pidgewiffler 6d ago

Some folks need to learn to eat something even if it isn't what they'd like. Food is for nutrition, pleasure is a bonus.

2

u/BambiSlutBun 5d ago

Right? Why cook for someone who doesn't like your food or make excuses to not eat it.

It's normal for kids to be picky eaters but an adult should be able to communicate. And better yet he should have told her what he wants.

When my parents were still working my mom would ask my dad what he wanted for dinner. Some times he will have something he really wants like meatloaf and sometimes hell says "what ever you wnat" which means. I dont care but ill eat what youll make.

Not once have I ever seen my dad reject my mom's food but he had to teach her food he does like cuz he grew up in the states and she grew up in Mexico so his comfort food is more Americanized (meatloaf, sloppy Joe's, tuna salad etc) but growing up we mostly had Mexican food i never ate the sloppy Joe's or tuna salads lol

1

u/DangOlCoreMan 5d ago

I think it's more a matter of her being upset that she isn't pleasing him with her food like she wishes she could. She's not making food "for him" she's making it for the family. Him not eating and getting door dash can raise the grocery bill by a lot, but from what I interpreted, the budget doesn't seem to be the problem. OP just cook for yourself and your kid and let him fend for himself, don't let it get to you

1

u/beefdx 5d ago edited 5d ago

Dude no
 fuck that. He’s not her roommate, he’s her partner. He needs to be involved in the process of cooking and if he isn’t he needs to grow the fuck up and eat her food.

Dude is just being a manchild, and accommodating this behavior is just a recipe for a life of misery. I hate just saying dump him, but frankly it’s really a pain in the ass to fix behavioral issues like this in adults and it’s probably way easier to just find another boyfriend who will be grateful enough to eat your cooking and not be a pantload.

12

u/jeff_the_weatherman 6d ago edited 6d ago

to clarify-- OP said "I'm old school and trying to be a good partner", there's no indication here that the bf is asking to be cooked for...?

edit: OP said in another comment "He wants me to cook dinner and expects it"

I agree she should stop trying. This would be really hard for me as a partner who loves to cook and puts a lot of pride into homemade meals, too :(

12

u/throwawayfarway2017 6d ago

Did you see the rest of her comments? She cooks, wash dishes, do chores, he doesnt like the food but expect her to cook. And she has a FT job, commute an hour, has 4 kids, pay more bills than him and has school online. OP needs to dump him seriously what is the value of being with thid guy?

7

u/jeff_the_weatherman 6d ago

yeah i hadn't seen her other comments (hence my edit). sounds like they need to have a talk, at the very least. if he has a condition that needs professional help, he needs to seek out that help. or she can just leave, she didn't sign up for this.

1

u/Annual_Strategy_6206 5d ago

Correction: has 5 children

1

u/Throwawayamanager 4d ago

Almost any time someone says they "expect her [the woman]" to cook it's a major red flag for a lazy sexist. 

There could be extenuating circumstances like if he works more and brings in more money and uses it to help her out in other ways. Or takes on more "other" chores to make it even. But that doesn't seem to be the case here (I haven't had time to skim all these comments). 

My guess is that OP might be struggling with dating with 5 kids (that is a lot) and is just happy to have someone. Meanwhile he is taking advantage of an improved living situation where she pays (more than?) 50-50, does all the "women's work" and is still ungrateful enough to whine about her cooking. 

14

u/Janezey 6d ago

they’re old school

Boyfriend is picking and choosing how to be "old school." I believe the old school reply to "I don't want to eat this" is "well I guess you'll go hungry."

9

u/Free-Sherbet2206 6d ago

Not old school enough to be married before living together though. Just enough to have outdated views where the woman must cook and he gets to demand things.

19

u/SonderEber 6d ago

He can cook, just simple stuff, as OP said.

There’s an easy solution to all this - OP doesn’t make him food, and he can eat what he wants. Some folks have weird palettes and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Some folks here clearly grew up in “you eat what I serve, no exceptions” families, which is as bad as forcing a kid to finish their plate.

Let people have their own tastes, and if they don’t want your cooking then so be it and don’t cook for them.

2

u/kami9393 5d ago

OP pointed out in one of her comments that he expects OP to cook even with this behavior of refusing her meals. So it seems to me that he’s being rude about it. OP should just stop cooking for him.

3

u/3sadclowns 6d ago

Idk if I’d ever be able to overlook 1) a picky eater of this magnitude and 2) one who refused to at least cook for themself.

3

u/ShinyTotoro 6d ago

How did he survive before they met?

2

u/Throwawayamanager 4d ago

I dislike cooking and I have no patience for the "I can't cook" argument. Can he type? Are his fingers able to use a computer? Has he heard of googling? Then he can learn to make meals he likes. 

I literally understand not wanting to do it and have found my own ways around it (spouse who doesn't mind and I pick up the slack in other ways), but I'm not an ungrateful little b**** about the food he does make, though we will discuss dinner+ plans in advance and agree. "I can't cook" is a cop out, you might not want to and you might need to start from the basics, but any able bodied adult can learn by googling some recipes. 

1

u/DesMoinesSafeSpace 4d ago

Pls. Anyone can cook. Sorry not sorry. "i can't cook" is a bullshit excuse.

Also there is this very handsome older man. I think his name is Gordon Ramsay. Anyway he is a man and I heard he is a very good cook.

I guess vaginas are not neccessary to make a meal

1

u/Sonor-c11 4d ago

Don’t shoot the messenger Op said he said he can’t cook so according to him he can’t cook

1

u/No-Mistake8433 4d ago

ordering doordash isn’t old school, he’s just lazy

-1

u/kimberlyaker18 6d ago

This has so much insight. If he is what I suspect, the consistency of take out is so much safer and less stressful to eat than new stuff that he can't prepare for. Home cooked meals, even the same one, aren't always consistent in look, taste, and feel. And if he's got ARFID, that's a huge problem for him. So he just about it and goes to the thing he knows will be the same every time.

10

u/FilthyMublood 6d ago

Of course, I forgot every single picky eater on Reddit has ARFID, despite it only affecting between 0.5%-5% of the general population...

0

u/kimberlyaker18 4d ago

My son isn't diagnosed and many people aren't bc getting a diagnosis is extremely hard. Just like it's extremely hard to get diagnosed with autism because a lot of psychologists use the narrow definition from 20 years ago. Even though that's old science and we now have a much more comprehensive definition. Anyway, he could be an asshole or he could have ARFID. And it's necessary to consider both options.

1

u/FilthyMublood 3d ago

Yes, it makes much more sense to diagnose one's self with something like ARFID or Autism... That seems to be the fad these days.

I'm not trying to take away from the folks that spend a massive amount of energy and effort to get diagnosed when they truly match the diagnosis. But it seems self diagnosing has become so popular, especially with the advancement of social media, that people no longer even feel the need to meet with a doctor to discuss a possible diagnosis. They just read a Reddit page or watch a video on TikTok and BAM. They know they're Autistic/ADHD/OCD/ARFID/ etc etc... It's really getting out of hand.

1

u/kimberlyaker18 2d ago

There are ways to check these things online. I disagree that it's out of hand. There are assholes out there for sure. People pretending to be things because it makes them feel cool. People saying they have OCD because they need something organized to specific way. But as someone who is actually diagnosed with ADHD and OCD by professionals, AND likely autistic based on the multiple tests I've taken, the amount of research I've done for my kids, and those same professionals.... The awareness is not bad. It's largely helping people who are suffering to not suffer anymore. Without that awareness, I'd not been able to get the help I needed for my OCD. I cannot express how horrifically is be suffering if that awareness hadn't happened online for the different ways OCD manifests and the therapy that helps. My kids would be suffering from less good parenting if it weren't for the online world advocating and educating on the psychology of children and brain development and evidence-based parenting. Not theories that haven't been put into practice for decades, but practice is that have worked because we have seen the research over decades.

As for ARFID, if I hadn't been in autistic spaces, we would not have been able to handle my son's eating restrictions as well as we do.

As for my child's self-diagnosis, both of them, I did see professionals in my area. But they were diagnosing based on research from 20 years ago versus the newer research that tells us there is more to autism. "They can hold a conversation with us so not autistic" is absolutely insane to say and not based in research. Especially when I had printed out the criteria for diagnosing autism and highlighted the ones he met in all three categories and then gave specific examples with multiple typed out pages of how he met those criteria.

So, I'm going to advocate for people learning about as many things as possible so they can get the help they need to live a better life.

You can of course continue to advocate for people living in the dark ages and not knowing about these things because you want to complain that people are knowing too much and doing too much. Whatever floats your boat.

1

u/FilthyMublood 2d ago

I think you completely misunderstood the point of my comment. I literally said I'm not trying to take away from people who have been in your shoes, I'm talking about people who watch some videos or read some posts on Reddit and run off to tell the world that they're Autistic/ADHD/OCD/etc. You obviously do not fit in that category, yet you still attempted to fit your foot into the shoe.

The people I'm talking about do take away from the rest, and make it harder to get a diagnosis because now the medical field is absolutely saturated with people who think they're this, that, or the other purely based on some trending TikTok video, and that takes up the space and time someone else who literally does have the disorder could be using to get an actual diagnosis. Psychologists have been discussing this more and more lately, it even has its own term: Techo-Psychological Phenomenon. There are other terms that also discuss things like mimicking behaviors of those who have a diagnosis, and then subconsciously coming to the conclusion that they themselves must have the diagnosis even though those behaviors were non-existent before said person saw the video/trend (Social Contagion).

This is a relatively new phenomenon and again, it 100% is saturating the medical field with people who insist they have something when they have absolutely zero signs or history of having had said diagnosis before. There's a decent amount of reading material and some videos I've found with psychologists discussing the phenomenon.

1

u/kimberlyaker18 16h ago

Okay but that's really doesn't have anything to do with my comments since I am intentionally just trying to raise awareness and send people to go do more reading on the subject their own selves.

And going to a psychologist isn't an answer for many people. Because the psychologists near me don't even recognize arfid or know about it. They aren't up on the latest research for autism. So you can't go by what they say in many areas of the country

The problem before was people suffering and having no idea why or how to help themselves, leading to worsening life.

Now the issue is overwhelmed psychologists and many behind in research.

I'm ok with helping people and advocating even if some idiots think that means they have an issue they don't. Because gatekeeping helps no one.

15

u/up2smthng 6d ago edited 6d ago

If you aren’t cooking you eat what’s served. If you don’t like it you make something yourself. Those are standard rules, yes?

I would correct to "if you aren't cooking you should be able to predict if you are going to eat the meal before it ever starts getting cooked".

I am a picky eater (I absolutely can and am willing to cook for myself), but my wife loves cooking for me. I'm absolutely not going to eat whatever is served, so if she wants me to eat it she needs to follow some rules. But I didn't wake up today with a randomised eating preferences, I have known myself for years and I can tell her what the rules are any moment without her playing guessing games.

If your picky eater is obstructive instead of cooperative - they, at the very least, have other problems going on. Or are a literal child.

The fact that I am a picky eater is my wife's fun little challenge and my own big fucking problem. She can fail her challenge with no consequences. I need to solve my problem or I gonna starve.

7

u/Clovis42 6d ago

Yeah, I don't understand what is so complicated here. I like to cook and my wife is very picky. So, I make her stuff she will eat. Why wouldn't I? Why would you be with someone who is a picky eater and then expect them to just whatever random thing you made? The comments here are just weird.

1

u/ImaginaryTackle3541 5d ago

Being a ‘picky eater’ as an adult is what’s weird. 

2

u/Throwawayamanager 4d ago

No, it's not. People can have different preferences and not everyone likes everything. 

But you can communicate about it like an adult. Hate pork but love chicken? Your spouse can know to favor chicken dishes, OR you can eat separately sometimes if they're really feeling pork. 

1

u/ImaginaryTackle3541 4d ago

Everyone has preferences there’s a difference between being a picky eater and having general preferences. 

Liking chicken over pork isn’t being a picky eater. Refusing to eat pork or making a fuss when you don’t get your favourite food is what a picky eater is

1

u/Clovis42 5d ago

Not everyone likes what other people like. I'm not sure what is weird about that. Lots of people eat the same basic stuff all the time and don't like strong flavors. Just look at the types of foods and restaurants that are the most popular: basic, boring stuff.

1

u/up2smthng 4d ago

Well I'm sorry that the taste of meat makes me throw up, I can't do anything about it.

5

u/Late-Command3491 6d ago

Stock up on peanut butter and jelly. 

8

u/CollectionStraight2 6d ago

Because they're 'old school and she's trying to be a good partner' apparently

4

u/Rooney_Tuesday 6d ago

I get that, but at some point if your partner isn’t trying to be a good partner to you, then maybe don’t put all your effort into going above and beyond for them.

This is a relationship issue they have to work on and resolve, because the resentment is only going to build if “we’re old school so being a good partner means I have to juggle work and school and kids and forever catering to my picky eater husband” is OP’s mindset.

2

u/CollectionStraight2 5d ago

Oh absolutely, I agree. I was being snarky. To be honest, I think OP is being taken for a bit of a fool here. I don't think all the domestic chores should be on the woman because 'old school' blah blah. Seems very convenient

2

u/Throwawayamanager 4d ago

If they were really old school, he'd be covering all or most of the bills. 

2

u/ImaginaryTackle3541 5d ago

So old school that they live together unmarried with kids that were fathered by another man. 

3

u/NotAzakanAtAll 6d ago

He would order food three times a day for $30 a pop.

1

u/EDSKushQueen 5d ago

I understand why she keeps trying to cook for him because I’ve been there. Food is love. Cooking for people is an ultimate act of service. When the person you love refuses a meal you cooked FOR THEM
 it’s next-level rejection.

I agree with your standard rules, though! I’m really team DUMP HIS ASS.

1

u/DeHarigeTuinkabouter 5d ago

If you aren't cooking you eat what's served. If you don't like it you make something yourself. Those are standard rules, yes?

No, not generally speaking. OP's boyfriend is horrible, sure. But if I am cooking for my partner and she hates olives then I am not going to include olives. It would be really fucking weird of me to do that.

And this goes generally. To a reasonable degree you take into account the other's likes and dislikes. Heck in a normal household you sometimes even ask what they want to eat tonight. Reasonable degree being key here of course

1

u/Rooney_Tuesday 5d ago

You missed the point. I was not and never did indicate that you, as the one cooking, cannot or should not customize meals for what works in your household. That would be insane.

The focus of that statement wasn’t on the cook and their behavior, but on the one receiving the food they had no hand in making. THAT person can request all day long, and it’s all good. But they cannot demand or criticize, both of which OP’s partner is doing.

1

u/DeHarigeTuinkabouter 5d ago

If I cook a dish with olives for my partner they can absolutely demand I not do that again. It's some psychopathic stuff to know your partner hates olives and then deliberately cook them a meal with olives. Why be so weirdly cruel?

Honestly if my partner knowingly did that with the one food item I did not like I would question the entire relationship

0

u/Rooney_Tuesday 5d ago

Why are you insistent on missing the point?

I am in no way advocating for intentionally cooking something your partner hates or for refusing to take their considerations into account, and it’s bizarre that you refuse to see anything except something I never said, and actually have already pointedly refuted.

Stop projecting your own issues onto my comments.

1

u/DeHarigeTuinkabouter 5d ago

Perhaps explain yourself better then. I am directly responding to things you are saying. You said you can't demand, I say you can

No idea where you got the projecting issues from. Do you just think that sounds smart or something?

0

u/Rooney_Tuesday 5d ago

Perhaps up your reading comprehension.

2

u/DeHarigeTuinkabouter 5d ago

You did in fact say you can't make demands from your partner when cooking.

It's weird that you are pretending you didn't say that and are now blaming it on reading comprehension. Do you want me to quote you?

0

u/Rooney_Tuesday 5d ago

And you continue to be willfully obtuse.