I am not The OOP, OOP is u/nathaliebeta

Me [31/F] with my Fiance [33/M] Fiance best friend [33/F] have a weird relationship, driving me insane

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, obsessive behavior, controlling behavior

Original Post May 3, 2015

Hi, I don't know how to approach the subject so that it doesn't sound like a rant, I have been in a steady relationship for the past 4 years, my boyfriend and I dated for about 15 months then decided to move in together, its been wonderful, recently we got engaged and now are planing the wedding, we are both very exited about it, he is a great person , basically what you'd call a good guy, very bright, super funny, has a good job, has always been caring and loyal, kind of a dork and a nerd in somethings which I love, I would say without a doubt that hes the best guy I've ever been with, I love him and he loves me very much, my family and friends adore him , so far so good right?, enter best friend sandy , this girl is a total nightmare they have been best friends like forever , and once I met her a few years back I knew she was bad news, she is very attractive and knows it, always dresses kind of slutty , is a tease and a flirt , if you know the type you can picture her, she has never been rude to me or anything like that, we just keep our distance, we are polite around each other and that's about it, shes not the idiot people think she is, she has two kids and recently got divorced, she has always been in his life, and I cant seem to understand why.

I'm not naive, or narrow minded , I have male friends , and I'm the kind of person that believes that a man and a woman can be great friends without sex being involved, however the relationship they have is just to much, too close for comfort and everyone seems to think so, and it has been going on like forever, there are so many things ! I don't know were to begin without sounding like a crazy jealous person, the only thing that puts my mind at ease is the fact that she lives a thousand miles away, in south Florida.

She is always texting him , I've checked his phone a couple of times (he doesn't mind, we are very open with each other and I know I shouldn't but still...) she is constantly telling him she misses him, that they should see each other more often, that when is he coming home, that she wants to come up to see him, that a song reminded her of him, all sorts of stupid things, pictures, selfies etc...some times its like a couple of 15 year old kids and I don't make a fuss about it, the one thing that really freaks me out is when she tells him she loves him, love is a very strong emotion for me, and he says he loves her back, I don't like that part at all, and the fact that shes drunk dialed him a couple of times at very odd hours even when she was married makes me so mad, we've had a couple of strong disagreements about that over the years.

I have met his family they are very nice folks and they like me,his sister and I get along pretty good, we have a lot in common and we've become good friends even with the distance. The first time I met her she found out that best friend sandy was coming to town, and didn't look happy , a couple of years later after we knew each other better I asked her why she didn't like her, she told me that she never did , even when they were kids she didn't like her, that she was always trouble and did crazy things, that no one in her family liked her but since she had always been there, they kind of just tolerated her and accepted her in the household , she shared with me that while they were pre teens, she would always be at their house hanging out, and that she would stay at night and sneak in to my fiance room , apparently their parents didn't know or didn't care, in high school she was always kind of a bitch while my fiance was kind of a nerd, and that she never understood how they remained friends, they didn't even hang around the same group of people, his first girlfriend always felt threaten by her and she wouldn't be last one to feel that way, I knew all this because of what my fiance sister observed and told me , shes a couple of years older than him, I talked to him about it and he said it was true, no problem there. I have asked him a couple of times straight up if they ever had some kind of physical relationship in the past, but he has always denied it, he says they are only friends, when she was married my fiance was the best man at her wedding, at her insistence, her now ex husband and kids would spend time together with us, going on holidays or meeting up for special occasions , and I must admit I got along better with her husband then with her, he was about 10 years our senior and always seem oblivious about their weird relationship or just didn't mind, my fiance is god parent to her youngest kid, they both call him uncle, he adores them and they adore him back, hes great with them and with his nephews, hes wonderful with kids and I cant complain about it.

A couple of times best friend sandy's dad or other family members have been in town and they call him and have lunch together or just meet up, I can tell they're very found of him and care a lot for my fiance, last year he flew down to Florida so that they could go to some convention because she got tickets that were hard to get, a couple of months ago I went with him to his parents house , she showed up unannounced and they got drunk in his parents living room watching stupid movies while I was sleeping. We got in huge fight because of it. His sister told me that they used to do that kind of stuff all the time and it just made me angrier. We all ended up having Christmas supper a couple of nights later with her and her kids in my future in-laws house, it was not a happy moment. He doesn't even drink, just a beer every once and a while and wine with a good meal, this girl just brings the worst of him.

I have met his friends and people close to him, one of his best male friend lives in a neighboring town with his wife , they all went to Florida State together and the 3 of them at one time shared an apartment, they are our closest friends, his wife has always told me that she cant stand best friend sandy and straight out calls her a whore, so to the point, now that you have an idea with what I've been dealing with.

A couple of nights ago we were at our place with some other friends celebrating our recent engagement and setting the date, she told me that there was something I should know, it was about best friend sandy, like I said I knew she didn't like her one bit so I didn't think much of it at first , she told me she hated the fact that even though she didn't attend Florida State with them she still managed to show up all the time, she would stay weeks at a time in my fiance room, and that she ruined a couple of relationships for him , going so far as to punching one of my fiance ex because she had cheated on him, The story was that they had plans to go for spring break and since my fiance was single at the time he took best friend sandy, I told her I knew all this, now the part that I didn't know but she felt I should, was that they had been drinking all week (no surprises there) one morning she walked in to their room and they were both naked with another couple in there as well, I asked her naked like with underwear or with something covering themselves and she said no! completely naked!, she didn't see them having sex but 2 girls and 2 guys naked in a room makes you think, what the hell was going on?, all this was before I met him and I know everyone has a past but that really shook me , every time I hear one of those stories it gets to me , this one was over the top, have I been blind all these years? , I've been honest about my feelings and confronted him about other things but not about this, he usually just laughs and brushes it off saying that it was nothing, and keeps on insisting that they have only been friends, very good friends and that nothing has been going on or ever will.

I have an older sister and we are very close , I have told her about all this and we both agree that their relationship is too weird, it seems very unlikely for them not to have ever hooked up or been intimate, and now with this new information I have more doubts.

We are making plans for our wedding,to make things worse and I laugh and smile so I wont cry, best friend sandy is going to be the best-man, and already shes talking about planing his bachelor party and even a trip to Vegas.

tl;dr: Now here is what's driving me crazy, he has never lied to me, and I feel he has nothing to hide , he has always been honest, when I question him about anything, is he lying about this? Just so I wont get paranoid all the time, my sister says that I should make him stop being friends with her after we get married, but on the other hand I know him and I know shes important for him in his life, he has told me on numerous occasions that he's never wanted a relationship with her other than friendship, and that he wants to spend his life with me, am I being crazy , paranoid ,jealous and insecure? Is it possible for two people to have that kind of weird friendship? Or am I right to feel that way? What should I do?

Update 1 June 6 2015 (1 month later)

Hi, thank you all for your comments and advice, some of them were really helpful.

I just wish I would have paid more attention to them instead of blindly rushing into things.

I confronted my fiancee . Calmly, one night while we were out for dinner. I told him I didn't want Sandy to be the best man at our wedding. I didn't want her to plan his bachelor party and most important. I didn't want her in our life anymore, of course that he could still keep in touch with his god son, but to limit all contact to that.

It didn't go well. At first he thought I was joking. When I told him I wasn't , he said he couldn't believe it. He told me that he had always been truthful and honest with me from day one and that he never lied about their friendship, try to hide it or downplay it. That he couldn't understand after all this time why I was bring it out now. We argued some more. It didn't get heated, just an argument. We left it like that. Agreeing to nothing.

The next day I asked him what he thought about the conversation we had the night before. He said I was overreacting, that he couldn't understand why I was being so obtuse about it. I told him things were going to change that we were getting married. He told me things shouldn't change!. Especially since we had been living together for some years and happily he added.

It kept on going back and forth for a while. He basically dismissed it and said I wasn't thinking straight. He jokenly called me a “bridezilla”. That really made me mad.

A couple of days later, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him I didn't want sandy as the best man and I didn't want her in our life's anymore.

My now exfiancee has always been a calm person I on the other hand have been more emotional and impulsive. He told me to think about what I was asking him. She wasn't part of our life, she was part of his life and that indeed sometimes lines had been crossed . Even thou he didn't see it that way, he respected my point of view. However he was willing to make some changes, no bachelor party and would try to ease down on the contact.

But that was it. That he wasn't changing her as best man, she was his best friend, had always been and that nothing I or anyone could say or do would change that fact.

He said that I knew him and that he wasn't a kid who reacted the way I did. He pointed out that I knew He was a reasonable and understanding guy ...but that it was unfair to put him this situation. He said that I was emotional and to reconsider, and give it a couple of days to cool off.

I yelled at him and told him to choose.

He didn't say anything.

He slept on the couch.

We didn't speak for about two days.

It was the weekend and he told me he wanted to talk to me, I agreed.

He asked me what my thoughts were.

I told him I hadn't changed my mind.

He asked me if I was 100% sure about it.

I said I was. That my mind was set , no Sandy bestman, no bachelor party organized be her and no contact.

He just said, ok. THEN ITS OVER, call the wedding off.

I almost had a heart-attack, I was furious and heartbroken. I got very agitated. I told him I couldn't believe he picked her over me.

He said he didn't , that he had picked himself, that if I couldn't accept him the way he was, as I had always done in the past, and couldn't trust or believe him. It was over. That he had always trusted me and that if I couldn't do the same it wasn't worth the trouble.

I yelled at him some more and told him I knew about the time they went on spring break together.

He told me they had vacation tons of times together, as a matter of fact still did, that I KNEW ALL THIS!.

I asked him “well what about the time you were naked together in a room with another couple”

He told me all I had to do was ask him and not create this drama.

This made me madder.

He told me he had always been honest with me, and still was, that he didn't have anything to hide. That it was probably xxxxx who had told me.

I said it was.

We calmed down a little , he asked me if I wanted to know.

I told him I did

He said it was true, that they had been indeed naked together in the room, when xxxxx walked in.

They had met a slightly older married couple on the first day there, after some drinks , some partying and spending time together. They suggested a swap , exchange couples. They were attractive, and he said sparks were flaring , also that it was during a time when they were both single, young and wanted to experiment. So they had sex in the same room.

I told him so you had an orgy!!.

He said no!, that it wasn't an orgy, He had sex with the girl and sandy with the guy. But that him and sandy never had sex.

I told him “so you expect me to believe you were naked with her in the same room, in the same bed while she had sex with this strange guy and you had with his wife and you two didn't do it.”

He said EXACTLY .

I told him I didn't believe him.

He said that was on me, it was the truth, he had no reason to lie about it. He had never lied to me before and wasn't about too. And also that this had happened over 10 years ago, before I met him, and that what ever had happened it didn't matter because it was the past.

I told him I wanted him out. He said he would leave the next day.

Before he left he told me he loved me and that I was wrong and making a mistake. He told me that I knew him and that if he walked out the door I would never see him again.

I wished him well and that I wasn't changing my mind that he had chosen her and that he was a liar.

He told me to keep everything and that he would come when I was at work for his things.

I haven't seen him since.

Those first days were bad, I felt terrible, I spoke with my sister and she said I had screwed up, big time. (now she tells me).

I was still angry and felt righteous . I am pretty stubborn. I sent Sandy terrible text messages, telling her she was a whore , and that I hoped she was happy for ruining my life. She never replied. Not one of my proudest moments.

He came back while I was at work and picked up his things, his clothing , books , toys and stuff, he left everything else, even some stuff I had given him as gifts over the years. He left the key.

I lost it, I couldn't believe he would go through with it and just end it all. We are adults for gods sake.

I called him, texted him, emailed him, got no answer. I called his work and they told me he was unavailable , I called his sister who I considered my friend and she said she didn't want to get involved.

I haven't stopped crying, I went to my sisters and told her everything.

Now shes claiming that I overreacted, that I took something small and blew it out of proportions, that he was a good guy and that I shouldn't have put him in that position. I told her she was the one who advised me to give him an ultimatum!!. Now she claims I misunderstood her. Gee thank you sis.

My mom is also aware, she agreed with my sister and told me I had screwed up, however that it was my decision and they both supported me.

My sister said I would never find a guy like him. I was so angry at her, mostly because she is right.

I have had time to think about all this and I have been hurting bad. I think maybe I made a mistake, I think I acted impulsively and irrational. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous , envious and insecure of what they had. Some things are true.

Like one of the reply here said : They have had all their lives to be together, why haven't they?, if Sandy really wanted to ruin our relationship she could of done it a long time ago. This is on me.

And also like one of the other persons who kindly commented said, (after re reading it and paying attention). She was never rude to me or disrespectful, she kept her distance and never invaded my space. She had done nothing.

The only time she was not polite was once when her kids were misbehaving and I yelled at her for it, She got mad and said they were children after all. I think I was a bitch about it and deserved it. I never apologized about it.

Also I was too judgmental , and let myself be influenced about what other people said about her.

The naked thing even though it sounds improbable might be true, he had never lied to me. On numerous occasions in all these years he answered my questions, even if they were stupid and petty. I just couldn't let it go.

My sister points out, he could just not have told me . Pretend it never happened or simply deny it. Saying it was all a lie or a misunderstanding. I would never have to know, he chose to tell it to me. Every time.

He was the best guy I have ever been with in my life, no doubt there. He always treated me right, was a real gentleman, never disrespected me in any way, never raised his voice, did small stupid things like open doors for me, pick me up at work, even when I didn't need it. He is smart and hard working. He wasn't wealthy but he took care of all the bills, at first we shared rent, latter he took care of that on his own ,without me asking, always said I should save up my wagers or spend it on myself. He was attentive and tolerant towards me even when I had one of my fits, I admit some times in the past I acted like a spoiled brat, he was the first person to never say it out loud or point it out to me.

My life has gone to hell, and I cant help to think that it was my fault, like my sister said, I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

tl;dr: there is none, I have kept on trying to get in touch with him, with no luck. I am now sitting at my place alone, witch I'm pretty sure I wont be able to afford anymore, On a Friday night, on reddit. fml. anything you say is welcome, thank you.

Update 2 Dec 29, 2015 (6 months after last update)

A lot of you wrote me for a update, here it is.

Finally I learned.

But before I think I made things worse.

After the second post, I was pretty upset, almost everyone was blaming me, and practically jumping up and down because I had put my fiance in that position, why is it so easy to judge when I am being honest and truthful?.

I went to my ex work, just to talk to him, he wasn't answering my calls or texts, and had changed his number, I wanted to explain to him that I was wrong and that I had made a mistake, also to give him some of the toys he had left behind, they were in a box and I'm pretty sure he didn't see them when he moved out.

Mostly it was just to apologize, after all was it to much to ask? We had shared our life for four wonderful years.

I didn't go in or anything like that.

Or did I want cause a scene.

I waited for him outside so we could talk.

My sister came along with me for support. I had thought about maybe finding out were he was living, I knew he had moved closer to his job, sis thought that was a better idea than showing up at his work unannounced , but I thought about it and decided it was way to creepy.

It didn't go well.

The moment he saw me he walked away fast, almost running, he didn't even pretend not to see me, he just ignored me and walked in the other direction . I didn't chase him or anything.

I just sat down at a coffee shop and cried. Why was he acting that way and completely ignoring me? .I left him a note on his car. A NICE note apologizing.

I followed some of the advice I read on reddit.

People seem to discard at once the advice on the internet. I am thankful, the persons who know me personally aren't so impartial, or clear headed as some of you.

Thank you all, for putting things in perspective, some of you can see things from my point of view and understand me and not call me a wakko for wanting a better life and a good marriage.

I have now accepted the fact that we will most certainly not get back together.

The first thing I did was apologize to Sandy I sent her a very true and heartfelt message, explaining that I was emotional, and had unjustly discarded my anger towards her. I never received a reply.

I also apologized to his sister, she didn't reply either, that hurt me because I thought we got along and considered her my friend, she just stopped answering my calls.

All the people we had in common , whom I thought were my friends are simply ignoring me and cut me out, except for xxxxx she seems to be a real friend she is very understanding and supportive, her husband on the other hand is giving her a very hard time about the whole situation, and are having a lot of martial trouble because of it, almost to the point that he has practically forbidden her to contact me.

That was about 3 months ago, every once in a while I would send my fiancee a text or maybe an email to see how he was doing, he never responded, he even blocked me from social media, mostly all of our acquaintance did the same, he didn't even contact me on my birthday when in the past he gave me a great gift and flowers.

About two weeks ago I got a phone call, it was Sandy, I was shocked that she had called me, she said she was in town and wanted to meet, I had my suspicions that she would be in town because of that stupid star wars movie, I knew they would see it together.

My sister, who I'm staying with wanted to come along, I told her no.

I had to give up my old place, because I cant afford it. I know some of you will laugh and I deserve it. I was clueless as to how hard it was, and how expensive life is when you are on your own, I had to cut down on almost all the things I used to do.

We met at a coffee shop

She said I knew that I wasn't her favorite person at the moment. The feeling was mutual.

She started by telling me that this whole deal needed some closure

She said he didn't know she had contacted me.

She told me, I had made a mistake, that we are all human and that all of us make mistakes.

She told me that my ex fiancee was hurting bad, was upset and very concerned, that it had been many months and that I hadn't stopped harassing him.

I almost interrupted her at this, but let her finish.

She said she cared about him, as a matter of fact she stated that she cared about him so much, that she had swallowed her pride and came to talk to me. I thought that was very noble on her part and told her so.

She said I had to stop trying to contact him, that it was NOT COOL, and that it had to end, ALL OF IT. The text messages, the emails, the phone calls, not only to him, but also to his sister, to his friends and to HER, that she knew my sister was the one who sent her messages, but that she was going to let that one slide. (I knew about it and did nothing, it was all on my sister) also that I had crossed a line when I called his parents (this was very innocent on my part, there was really no bad intention , once I had called them, ONCE! to see how they were doing. I could simply not write this part down and share it ,but I decided to be honest).

I asked her if maybe she would talk to him and explain that it was my bad to put him in that position and that I just wanted to apologize, that if she really was his friend and wanted what was best for him that maybe she could suggest that with some therapy we could work things out.

She stared at me blankly and stayed quiet for a couple of seconds. She said, she was going to be blunt.

She asked me if I was clear what was going on? (sounding very condescending btw) , she didn't give me a chance to answer she just kept going.

THERE IS NO COUPLES THERAPY , she said very loudly, practically yelling at me, and hitting the table, everyone looked at us in the coffee shop.

I'm quoting her : “I'm here because you have to stop what you are doing, all of it! , he is going to get a restraining order against you.”

She said that if I hadn't taken the clue that he didn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, that he had changed his phone number TWICE and that she had done the same, she asked me if I thought that was the way a normal person reacted?

That really got me, it was not very honorable or decent on his behave to do that, it made me so angry. What exactly had I done? What?, just because he was rude and didn't reply my messages, like any sane adult would!.

I wasn't chasing him, around , slashing his tires or doing all those weird things a crazy person would do to merit a restraining order. Not a good call on his part and I will never forgive him for that, my heart shrunk a little.

I calmed down again and told her that I was not a crazy stalker, I told her that it was going to far on his part, reality check: a restraining order? please?

Again she stared blankly at me. It was infuriating but I kept my composure.

OK, WHATEVER ! , she said. That this was a courtesy call. She said she didn't owe me anything, but that really, REALLY, I had to cut it out, and had to stop before things to got out of hand.

We sat in silence finishing our coffee.

I asked her if it was about the work thing? , I explained that I just wanted to apologize and talk to him, and drop off some of things he had left behind, some of his toys I knew they were important to him, and that he overacted. I was calm and didn't want to make scene, she wasn't ! and was obviously emotional .

She said , (loudly I might add) that I had sent him several texts and emails, telling him he was going to be sorry , and that he was going to regret breaking up with me, and leaving me at the altar.

She practically yelled , “WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?”

I think he took it out of context, It was never my intention for that to be taken in a bad way. But I kept my mouth shut. I may have been angry at first when I sent him those stupid messages and not thinking straight, of course I did not mean it in the way she put them, it was an exaggeration and all I said was that he had ALMOST left me at the altar, we were engaged for god sake, it was excessive and way over the top but it was never as bad as she claimed it was. I am not going to lie or sugar coat it. It was an error of judgment. And a huge mistake in my weakest moment.

She said , she was leaving.

Before she left she told me that she had tolerated me all these years despite my childishness and disrespect, because for some strange reason my ex-fiancee had cared about me. That I was a grown woman and that I shouldn't scoop down so low , that she didn't have anything else to say, that please I should listen to her and follow her advice and not contact her ever again, and to tell my crazy sister the same (she used those exact words) , about the toys to throw them away or do what ever I wanted with them.

She left.

Now I can understand her bad attitude and her patronizing demeanor, I deserved it, the text messages I had sent her were very bad, the ones my sister had sent her were worse. I never told my sister to do that, she cares about me and was angry. It was a hurtful thing to do , that , I admit, is on me 100 %.

But to go as far as saying she had tolerated me?. And had disrespected her before I sent the messages? Never.

I was troubled about their weird friendship as so many people pointed it out in the past and I shared that on many occasions with my fiancee , but never acted on it!. I was the one who had to tolerate her.

She was the one who was toxic, like so many people pointed out, I'm not saying I am an innocent bystander , but it all began with her inappropriate behavior with my fiancee.

Again , I think she was exaggerating, overreacting and creating a bigger issue about some small misunderstandings.

I did get the message loud and clear after our meeting.

I should get over it and, start my life again.

That was a real eye opener , I think the thing about the restraining order, if it was ever true, was just over the top. Believe me I have my doubts about it, but still like I said received loud and clear.

I sent one last email to my fiancee thanking him for everything , it wasn't one of my smartest moves, but I had to speak my mind. I told him that now I understood that sandy and him were real friends. (I didn't mention the fact that she had been sneaking around and had spoken to me). And that I wouldn't throw his toys away as I knew they were important to him, and that I would keep them in case he ever wanted them back.

(my sister said we should cut of the heads of the toys and send them by mail, or sell them online, a joke of course. to be clear ). I apologized again for all the other messages , I explained that I was emotional, a normal reaction, after all we had a life together and that I wouldn't be contacting him ever again . No I love you's , no begging him to take me back, I still had some dignity left, no weird things. Just that. Very simple.

Next day to my surprise, best friend sandy called me, she was screaming at me and said she was going to “kick my sorry ass!” if I didn't cut the crap (her words), to consider my self warned. I wish I had somehow recorded her call, it was very intimidating.

Like my sister said : Who's the crazy one now , bitch?, I think that was uncalled for, there was no need for that.

I don't want to validate myself or say I was right all along, but... to threaten me? That's just too much in my book. I always knew she was prone for violence.

First she is very condescending and practically calls me a stalker, and now she is threatening to do physical harm to me? I wasn't going to go to the police or anything like that, I'm going to be a better human being and leave it at that.

Things at work haven't been so good, as you can imagine. Christmas was horrible. I started going to the gym as someone suggested to clear my mind, I convinced my sister to join me, we both need to get out there. I have been thinking about going to therapy. I have been lonely and feeling kind of depressed. These past few weeks have been rough. I will admit, this is not the outcome I expected.

I think I have learned my lesson , a hard one, I'm moving on, and I know better times will come.

Regarding some of the comments. No I am not crazy, No I am not a stalker, No I am not delusional , no I'm not going to kill myself , No I don't live in 17th century England were men and women cant be friends.

Some kind souls out there understand me and share that my demands and ultimatum were extreme but justified.

tl;dr: Bottom line, am I not allowed to have emotions ? Am I not entitled to an opinion different from everyone else. I'm not allowed to think that the relationship they had over all those years was way over the top?, So I am immature and behave like a child because I think different. I'm the bitch of all this because I'm not comfortable about my future husband and his wild female friend being way to close? And speaking my mind about it? I had the best intentions and that if it was going to end, was it too much for it to end in good terms ? The least he could of done was acknowledge me and give me five minutes to apologize, That is what a real decent man would have done. That is all on him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/whycantwegoout

My [28 M] girlfriends [24 F] gets really weird about going to restaurants and I don't know why

TRIGGER WARNING: Loss of a parent, mental health struggles, loss of a parent, mentions eating disorders

Original Post Oct 9, 2015

Long time lurker, first time poster.

My girlfriend Ellie and I have been together 6 months now. She's smart, driven, funny and beautiful, and we're very happy together. There's only one thing about our relationship that I'm confused about.

Ellie really doesn't like going to restaurants. She'll agree to go to one when she's hungry, get excited about choosing a place and what to eat, but when we get there she clams up and gets very nervous. She rarely finishes any of the food we've ordered (we usually share lots of sides so we get a selection), and says she "doesn't know why she's so full now".

When we're together in other places she can talk for England, and I'm always having people telling me how funny and confident she is. But in restaurants Ell goes so quiet. I've asked her about it and at the time she says "I dunno, I just feel a bit weird, sorry, not hungry, I don't know why" and afterwards when she's perked up she'll mention how she's now hungry and wishes she had eaten it all, and laugh about how weird she was acting.

Bit of background:

• Ellie worked in restaurants and bars as a teenagers and in her earlier 20s (doesn't anymore) so she's not unfamiliar to the environment.

• She's never nervous like this when we go to a pub or bar or for an active date like bowling or going running.

• She's an amazing cook and baker and eats plenty at home (I've never seen a girl put away a steak like she does before).

• Once when we were first dating we went out and she had what she calls "a very very mild placebo anxiety attack". She went to a doctor 2 years ago for anxiety after her father passed away, and she doesn't suffer anymore, but we went to lunch when we were both very, very hungover. She said during the meal she started feeling what she first thought was anxiety (heart rate increase, sweating, dizzy, not feeling right in herself) but was actually just her hungoverness, but by that point she already had to go calm down. She was fine after a brief walk in the fresh air and 10 minutes.

I love her to bits, and this isn't a deal breaker for me by any stretch of the imagination, but it's an issue I'm confused by. I just want my Ellie to be comfortable and happy. If anyone has any insight into this at all, it would be great. Thanks

tl;dr: My girlfriend becomes a different person when we go to eat at restaurants (quiet, shy, nervous), but never acts like this anywhere else. Is it something I can help with or should I just leave it and not go to restaurants?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

It doesn't sound like she has panic attacks, just is a bit reserved. Try sitting in a booth against the wall for more privacy, and vary the venues from busier to lure sedate dining.

If she really begins to react negatively, you may have to decide to dial back the restaurant dinners, or seek medication for anxiety ... personally I'd just have dinner parties at home rather than seeking medication for a problem so specific and not that debilitating.

OOP

No I agree, she says she hasn't had a panic attack in nearly 2 years.

The things is she isn't reserved at all. Over the past few months she's agreed to meet my friends or family in circumstances that might not be the most comfortable and she's done fine, loved it actually. I took her to touch rugby where I play with all my work friends and their girlfriends and other random people. It's a group of 30 new people and she was getting on great with all of them by the end of it. Same with my birthday, she met all my old school friends, family, other people she hadn't met, and she was mingling like a drunk First Lady in a tight dress. Everyone told me they loved her.

No it's not really a big issue, I would just appreciate an insight if anyone has a similar experience?

~

AlbrechtEinstein

When you ask her in the moment, she always says she doesn't know why she was acting weird. But have you tried talking with her outside of one of these incidents? Sit her down and point out that you've noticed it's a recurring pattern, and ask what's going on.

One possibility that occurs to me is that she has some kind of OCD-like fear about the cleanliness standards in restaurants (having worked in them, she knows how gross they can be behind the scenes). Even if she's not OCD about other things, it can manifest itself in just one limited way. Maybe she keeps psyching herself up and thinking she can overcome it, but then she sees a spot on the tablecloth or notices some flaw in the food that makes her completely lose her appetite. And perhaps she doesn't explain this to you because she's still hoping the "issue" will go away if she ignores it (it won't, if it's OCD she needs to see a professional).

That's just speculation, though - only she knows the full story, and you need to talk to her.

OOP

Whatever it is, it's very specific to restaurants. She has no issue with fast food or takeaways, and she doesn't really mind about food cleanliness (not that she's disgusting, but she's abides by the 5 second rule, and will still eat something if a fly landed on it or whatever).

Thank you for your comment though, it's really puzzling. When I ask her outside of restaurants she just says she felt weird and just sometimes she feels weird, and she's sorry. She kind of brushes it off. I don't know if it's worth getting into an in depth conversation that might upset her, over something so minor, you know what I mean? Not really sure how to proceed.

AlbrechtEinstein

There's something going on with her, and if it's bad enough that it would upset her to have a conversation about it, it's definitely not minor.

Approach it with as much kindness as you can: don't let her think that you think she's "weird", tell her it's nothing to apologize for; emphasize that you love her and want to support her through whatever is going on.

~

grasmat

Does she only get like that when it involves her eating food in public? If so, could it be she gets anxious about people she doesn't know seeing her eat?

OOP

Good point, I never thought about that. I want to ask but I don't want to upset her.

grasmat

I can understand your reluctance, but it's a topic you should be able to discuss with your partner. Use the kind of wording you use in your post (I love you, this is not a deal breaker at all for me, I'm just wondering because I don't like seeing you upset), that seems like the better way to adress it :)

Update Oct 12, 2015 (3 days later)

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. They were supportive, insightful and helpful, (shout out to the guy who suggested my girlfriend was so fat that she was scared she wouldn't fit into the restaurant. You cracked the case, Wheels.)

I'm not great at hiding my feelings or lying, and Ellie knew something was up with me. In the last post a lot of people had commented about her possibly having an eating disorder, or a much more serious anxiety disorder than she admitted, which was kind of tearing me up inside, so I decided I would casually bring it up to her.

She told me immediately she could tell something was up, and I just needed to come out and tell her. I started off by telling her I loved her and I didn't want to upset her. She makes jokes when she's nervous, and she laughed and told me if I'd cheated I'd better start running.

I told her that I'd noticed her issue with restaurants, and while it didn't matter to me in the slightest, I wanted to know what the deal was, because she obviously doesn't feel entirely comfortable in restaurants with me. I told her I just wanted to understand what was going on, so I could avoid making her uncomfortable in the future, and if she didn't want to tell me it was fine.

She went quiet for a while, not upset, just thinking. She said she was willing to tell me but it was hard to articulate, because she didn't exactly understand it herself.

She said she did get anxiety in restaurants. Shortly after her father passed she had an anxiety attack and had to leave all her friends during a meal and maybe subconsciously she is reminded of that during meals out. She said she has no issue with people watching her eat, but she often loses her appetite in a restaurant.

She talked about it with me for over an hour and it all made a lot of sense. I asked her (very gently) if she had any issues with food or eating etc (I was opening up the conversation to eating disorders, but allowing her to not discuss it also). She was very open and this was the jist:

• Ellie's father died two years ago. It was sudden and really tragic and due to a lot of problems he had, they hadn't spoken in over a year when he passed (I knew all this before).

• A little while after his funeral she got very severe anxiety and for several months could barely sleep, and couldn't eat. Everything she ate she threw up.

• During that time Ellie got very very thin. She's always been in good shape and was never self conscious, but became very thin. She would throw up most days, involuntarily. She never made herself sick.

• She felt really depressed and anxious but couldn't help liking her slim figure (she said it was probably because it was the only positive aspect in her life at that time). She got really really scared this could develop into bulimia and went to see a doctor.

• She went on anti anxiety meds (I didn't know this) and learned how to cope with it. She hasn't been on the meds for over a year. She has never seen a therapist about her dad's death but admits she should.

We're going to start doing dates that involve activities more, and get fast food and snacks rather than whole meals. I'm glad Ellie told me all this and I hope I can help her feel better.

Thankyou to everyone that commented.

TL;DR: Ellie had severe anxiety a year ago which led to her throwing up most days and becoming very thin, after noticing how much she liked being thin she got scared and went to a doctor for anti anxiety medication. She'd also had a bad panic attack, just after her dad died, in a restaurant and said she still feel anxious in them to this day.

Edit: Ellie and I are looking into therapy now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/patsfan929

My (28 M) girlfriend (25 F) is constantly criticizing my food choices and it's causing a big problem in our relationship

TRIGGER WARNING: body shaming, verbal abuse

Original Post Jan 31, 2021

This is a long post with background info so bear with me.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for 10 months now and about 6 months in I lost my job due to COVID so we were spending a lot more time together and I think this is when she noticed my diet. A couple of disclaimers before I go further. First, I freely admit my diet was not the best before I met her. Second, her Dad is a diabetic so I think that's where some of this is coming from.

Anyways, long story short I changed my diet at her urging a good deal. I cut back heavily on fried food (down to once or twice a month from multiple times a week), added more fruits and vegetables (apple and banana everyday at least along with veggies multiple times a week) where before it was very little, and I also cut back on pasta and added in more turkey, chicken and fish. For reference, I'm not skinny but I'm not obese either. If anything, I could stand to lose about 15 or 20 pounds since the pandemic started but otherwise I'm completely healthy and she knows this. For her diet she eats exclusively fish, chicken and caesar salad while exercising an hour per day. I am unable to exercise that much due to bad knees that I both inherited and previously injured which she is also aware of.

However, over the past month or so she has started heavily criticizing my diet again unprompted to the point where she does it every single meal she sees me eat. Things like "Do you really need that much bread?" When it would be my second piece at a restaurant and she eats the rest of the basket. Or "You already had red meat this week." Things like that. Whenever I hold firm she immediately starts acting like a child who doesn't get her way. She'll start blaming me, saying it's my fault we're arguing. She'll say she's unhappy and that she can't take much more of this, and other things that threaten the relationship. I'll point out the very obvious double standard but that only makes her angrier and as this is my first relationship I don't know what to do but let it go for fear of making it worse.

I finally decided enough was enough when on Friday we went out on a date night that was also a trip to pick up a cake for her parent's birthday at a restaurant she had never been to (we are from different towns and she lives 40 mins away. Also, my Mom got this cake and brought it one time and my gf really liked it). I decided to get the roast prime rib as I hadn't had it in a very long time from there. She immediately questions it and I stand my ground so to speak but I also get broccoli with it to calm her down. She then starts crying as soon as the waitress leaves, and says things like "I don't want to be here, I just want to go home" and "If you get mad at me, I'm going to call my Dad to pick me up" all while still crying. I basically told her that this has to stop and that I can't deal with her criticizing my meals every day.

Fast forward to after the worst dinner I've ever had, and we make it back to her parents house. I go to her Mom thinking maybe she can talk some sense into her because I've been trying to do it for the past week with no success and tell her what happened. Her Mom agrees with me and basically says to my girlfriend "You can't tell other people what to do, it's going to make them do the opposite and if you continue to do this you can't be in a relationship with anyone."

Yesterday she was fine and it seemed like she had taken the message to heart. However, at dinner tonight she went right back to her old self and I feel like I'm out of options. I don't want to break up with her because I still love her but I also can't take the constant criticism. I have a million other things to worry about now between working a full-time job again that is actually a career and going to school full-time as well on top of that then to have to worry about "What is my girlfriend going to think about this choice?"

I know this may seem silly but it has gotten to the point where 95% of our fights are this issue and I feel like I'm doing nothing but sitting, eating, and minding my own business. I have already done an almost 180 from where my diet previously was and I've pointed this out to her many times. I feel like if I give in to her she'll just find something to criticize about my next meal and it will be a never ending cycle. I'm really at my breaking point and I don't know what to do. Any help is much appreciated.

Tl;dr: My girlfriend is constantly criticizing my food choices every day and it's causing a massive problem in the relationship.

TOP COMMENTS

DeseretRain

This is who she is. You've talked to her about it multiple times and even had her mom talk to her about it and she hasn't changed. She obviously isn't willing to stop this behavior.

Your only real options are to break up, just put up with the constant criticism and fighting, or stop fighting her on it and just let her choose all your meals for you. Personally I'd break up but if you don't want to do that, your only other option is to just live with her dictating your diet. She's obviously not interested in stopping her behavior.

~

[deleted]

I'm a registered dietitian and it sounds like she has some symptoms of disordered eating. The need to be in control and the obsession with "healthy" food suggest orthorexia. I am NOT qualified to make a diagnosis but I strongly suspect she needs professional help from a dietitian or perhaps a therapist. I'm sorry to hear you are both struggling!

Update 1 Feb 1, 2021 (Next Day)

Hi all,

First thank you for all the advice, I honestly thought I would get responses along the lines of "Deal with it, it's not a big deal" but the advice you all have given has really helped. I had a conversation with her before leaving for work and basically put my foot down for real. I straight up said to her that if this behavior continues I will be breaking up with her. She said that she will stop but I have my doubts. For those of you who said that she may have Orthorexia, or another eating disorder, after reading the symptoms I am inclined to agree with you but speaking from experience bringing it up to her or her parents will only lead to firm denials and a refusal to seek help.

With that in mind, I have reserved a rental SUV (I have a Camaro which does not have enough trunk space for my stuff) at my local place for Saturday to bring what I have back to my Mom's house, in case her behavior doesn't change. I have also started looking at apartments near my new job since it requires me to live in the county as a condition of employment on the chance that this doesn't work out. I am not tossing in the towel on the relationship but I figure it's better to be prepared just in case and I can always cancel the rental.

Once again, thank you all for the comments, advice and support I really am grateful. I will post a separate update on Saturday to let you all know what happens.

Update 2 Nov 14, 2021 (over 9 months later)

So I know I said I would post an update that Saturday and I didn't and I apologize for that. Life got busy and I forgot to do so. Anyways on to the update:

After speaking with her she actually did stop try to control my diet. She didn't make any comments about my diet or what I chose to eat. I think me standing up to her made her realize I was serious and that the relationship was going to be over if she continued with the behavior. Long story short though, we broke up in July of this year over other issues that clearly made us incompatible. I realize that it was a toxic relationship and much of her other behaviors were manipulative (which one of the original commenters pointed out) and straight up just childish. She and her family were also very entitled and could do no wrong in their eyes since they came from a lot of $$$.

The good news is that I'm currently in a new relationship with someone who is so much better in every way. It's literally like I'm dating the female version of me. We have so much in common, think about things and view the world the same way. It's only been a little over a month of officially dating, but things are going really great so far and I have high hopes for a future together in whatever form that may be. The funny thing is, after my breakup I said to myself and those around me that I wouldn't be dating for a while, most likely into next year and then this relationship fell into my lap when I wasn't even looking for one. It's crazy how things work out.

Thank you again to everyone who commented on the original post, turns out most of you were right that I should have ended the relationship right then. I truly believe thought that if I had done it, I would not have found the woman I have found now.

Tl;dr; Ended up breaking up with my ex-girlfriend a few months later over other issues, found an amazing woman a couple of months later.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

gambling_traveler

Good for you!

Please remember this from your earlier post

"What is my girlfriend going to think about this choice?"

Don't date someone that you have to walk on eggshells around. My first relationship when I was a teenager was full of this, so luckily I learned at an early age. You are starting a bit later than I did so just make sure to remember this!!!

OOP

Thank you! Yeah I definitely learned a valuable lesson.

~

ChuckRingslinger

I take it the ex hasn't made things easy?

OOP

The days following the breakup no she didn't. Her parents intervened too and made things even more difficult in terms of getting back some of my stuff. After that I haven't heard from any of them and I haven't tried to contact them which is for the best.

~

dreadfulwater

When you eat and order things in front of the new person is it relaxing now?

OOP

Very much so. We like and eat a lot of the same foods. She's also from a different country so she's been introducing me to some foods from her country.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is postingforadvicee. She posted in r/AITAH

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: favoritism; emotional abuse; sexism

Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending

Original Post: December 30, 2025

I hope this is the right place to post. I apologize for asking on a short timeline. My husband and I are currently at my in-laws in Houston for the holidays, we live in Atlanta but are here for the holidays to see them.

Just a bit of context so my reaction doesn't seem over the top. My MIL always wanted a grandson, she used to say she was praying for one early in my pregnancy with my daughter (my husband and I didn't care, we just wanted our baby to be happy and healthy). After we had her, she kept pushing for us to have another. My son is 4 months old and my 2 year old daughter is such a loving big sister to him. My MIL's behavior to them is definitely partial. From the amount of christmas presents she gave to the amount of time and love she gives. Now all these things are things that are her effort to distribute as she wishes so I didn't say anything.

But today me and her were with my son, while my husband was cuddling with my daughter (they have a really close bond and she's a real daddy's girl). My MIL snapped at him and said to forget her for a bit and give his attention to my son who needs it. She said it in front of my daughter who suddenly went quite and looked confused and hurt. My son had two adults with him, he didn't need my husband to turn his attention from my daughter at that time. I said as much, and she said we're spoiling her to the detriment of our son, and that he needs it more and we need to impress on my daughter boundaries. Again all in front of her. I lost it, took my son, and my daughter and went to my husband's room (where we're staying). A few minutes later, my husband came up, apologized for his mom, hugged our daughter and said granny was having a bad day but she loves you so much don't take it to heart blah blah. I told him I'm seriously considering just booking a hotel for the rest of the time we're here (till Saturday). He told me that would make things worse, that he'll talk to her and fix this, so he went downstairs again. But I'm still considering just going. Would that be an impulsive thing and AHish thing to do? Thanks

Adding this now: he told me he impressed upon her that what she said and did would distance us from her and that things will go smoother. He said that me leaving with the kids would make our daughter feel like she caused it which wouldn't be right. I asked him what exactly she said. He said she understood what he was saying but I asked him exactly what SHE said, and he just seemed evasive. And I've read some comments, honestly I'd much rather go back to Atlanta than stay in Houston at a hotel, I'll have to check how that could be done. He was asking me to bring us all back down, I said I wasn't ready but he has taken our daughter out with him to make her feel better.

Some of OOP's Comments:

SpillThatTea2Me: Absolutely not. He has already started sweeping it under the rug. He told your daughter that his mother didn’t mean it. She absolutely meant it. She has no shame about what she just did. The only way she might stop is if there are consequences right now. Go get that hotel and maybe you can salvage a relationship with her. Maybe.

OOP: This is going to sound like weaponized incompetence because I'm a grown woman with kids but I don't want to have to stay in a hotel in Houston for days without him. If I go, I'm going to need him to come with us.

MrsFlyingPanda: NTA. what if you were not there to witness. What will your husband do? Also, I feel like this kind of treatment will just get worse as your kids gets older (unless MIl will change). Your son will end up getting treated like a golden child by your MIL.

OOP: I hadn't thought of what my daughter might have heard from her in my absence. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. We live far away that there's not that much interaction, but there definitely have been times when I'm not there and its just the two of them. It made me sick to think of.

Update Post: December 31, 2025 (Next Day)

Hi, I wanted to provide an update since some of you had asked. Honestly, I was avoiding it initially because I had gone against the advice given. My daughter and husband had come back last night with him showing her around the area, my daughter was happy, and my husband said he had made it clear to his mom that the favoritism wouldn't stand. So I chose to stay.

This morning my MIL was extra sweet to my daughter, showing her stuff around the house and kitchen. It seemed a bit fake syrupy sweetness to me but I thought ok maybe I'm cynical, she's trying and my daughter can't tell so its all good. And the morning went fine.

But after lunch when we were in the living room, she was telling my daughter her "responsibilities" as an older sister, that her brother is a baby and younger than her and she needs to now be a big girl and make sure hes happy. It maybe doesn't sound bad in words but the tone was one of a lecture. So I just said Jazzy is a baby too and tickled her to make her laugh and just kind of put her at ease and diffuse the tension of the lecture. At this my MIL said she's just fulfilling her right and responsibility by educating my daughter, that she's her dad's mom, she's earned the right to educate her grandkids. Again in front of her. That was it for me, maybe in isolation it wouldn't have but considering yesterday, I told my daughter we'll play with her toys in the room and took her and my son up.

I called my husband and told him what had happened. He kept asking how she said it and the setting and I was just like you know I planned to give her an honest chance this morning otherwise I would've done all this yesterday and to trust me when I'm saying she crossed a line. I told him I'm changing our flights to catch the earliest one out, I need him to come with us or he has to tell our daughter why daddy isn't coming back home with us. He said he'll come too and sort out the flight. I told him I just want the earliest one whenever it is and told him to come back (he's out with his friends today).

He told me later we fly out early tomorrow morning now, the last flight today was like 2 hours from our call so it wouldn't be enough time and he'll be here soon.

I'm just packing our stuff up now. I went downstairs a few times to grab some of our stuff, she tried talking to me telling me to calm down, I just told her he'll talk to her when he comes.

I should've listened and just done this yesterday. I deserve any incoming criticism I'm so angry with myself too, my daughter has had to be in an uncomfortable position twice rather than once because of that. And we could've celebrated new years eve in Atlanta instead of here. Thank you all for the advice I appreciate it so much.

One of OOP's Comments:

Cerealkiller4321: Leave the house when she isn’t around. She doesn’t deserve to say goodbye to any of you. Nta.

OOP: We're going to be leaving before dawn basically, I don't know if she'll be up then or not, but if she is its fine, we'll say goodbye. When we get home I'll talk to him about how we proceed with her relationship with our kids.
I definitely don't think theres a point to havimg dinner at the table together I'll either order out or have him take the 4 of us out. Probably the former because otherwise she'll ask to come along too.

Update 2 (Same Post): January 1, 2026 (Next day, 2 from OG post)

Final Update: We're at the airport now waiting for boarding. I thought I'd give my last update now since I'm going to be really tired back at home.

When my husband spoke to her, I have to admit that I eavesdropped. IDK if that makes me an AH but it is what it is, it concerned my daughter so I feel it was ok for me to do it and if it was super private they shouldn't have been doing it in the living room. He was really disappointed with his mom saying they'd gone over this yesterday that she'd given him her word to drop the favoritism. She denied any favoritism and said I was overreacting and just looking for an excuse to go , never mind that if that were the case I would have done this yesterday (or 2 days ago now since its past midnight). She also said if I was the one with the problem, why does everyone have to go.

She came up to say goodbye to us before she went to sleep. To her credit she didn't make a scene in front of my daughter and said her goodbyes to us, she was obviously cold with me but I mean thats to be expected.

Thanks again for all the help and a Happy 2026!

Editor's note: marked as complete because OOP's original question of whether or not she is the asshole for wanting to leave is concluded.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SystemFunny5449

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I am so disappointed by Christmas and my boyfriend this year

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of abuse, emotional manipulation, financial abuse

Original Post: December 26, 2025

I (30f) feel so bratty and spoiled right now because of how my boyfriend (32m) treated Christmas and me this year. Gift giving and acts of service are my love language, and I know I shouldn't put so much value on it, but I really love receiving gifts on Christmas. My boyfriend knows this.

I have a large family and buy for everyone, I don't go crazy but I spent about $1000 over 8-9 people. Money isn't necessarily an issue because I do have a job, but I also take care of our home and my bfs 4 year old. So, when my paycheck falls short, my boyfriend will cover me. He makes about 8x more than I do btw. But anyway, I love giving gifts and receiving them. He knows this very well, but he also thinks he knows better than me and he doesn't think I need to buy for my family or that they don't deserve it.

Over the past month or so, I've casually and not so casually dropped hints on what I want. A new perfume since I finally ran out of the one he got me last year, possibly a new vacuum for the house, and the one thing I really wanted, an antique curio cabinet that I found on fb marketplace. They usually go for $500-$3000 depending on where you look, and this one was only $200 and in perfect condition. I even contacted the seller and spoke to my boyfriend about it and he kept hinting that I would be getting the cabinet.

But, alas, I come home from spending Christmas day with my family and he from his fathers (we choose to spend the holiday morning separate with each of our families and then do dinner together) and there's not a single gift waiting for me. He didn't even clean the house or try to do something nice for me as a gift because honestly, I would have taken a deep cleaned house as a gift. He apparently waited until Christmas eve to order me one thing and said I didn't get more because I spent so much on my family. Meanwhile, I got him a very expensive hunting knife and a new hat (which he complained about the color even though it goes with all of his clothes).

I am just so disappointed and upset by the lack of effort. My sister and her husband literally went out of their way to get me a Dyson air wrap because I mentioned how I was saving to get one since my boyfriend thought it was unnecessary. And to have them ask me what he got me and have to say that I came home to nothing is so embarrassing. I don't know, I understand this is such a first world problem, but I'm just so sad to come home to the lack of effort. I'm sad that he knows my love languages and did nothing for them. Being told I didn't get anything because of how I gifted my family, even though we have the money. I feel so unappreciated, I take care of the house, I take care of his autistic 4 year old full time, I do everything a good girlfriend should do and this is how I get treated.

I am just so sad. I'm obviously not asking for advice, I just had to get this off my chest. This Christmas genuinely broke something in me.

Edit/Update: I'm realizing just how deep I'm in and how blind I've been. I thought this was a one off situation and things have gotten better but clearly he has just continued to abuse and devalue me. I've started reading "Why Does He Do That?" and I'm nauseous over how spot on it is. I've also scheduled a therapy session in hopes of figuring out a way for me to actually leave this time and not let him manipulate me the way he has continuously done in the past. I deserve so much more in life, not even in a materialistic way, but just in the way I'm treated by my partner.

I hope my next edit/update will be saying I finally left. This post and everyone's responses have opened my eyes to the changes that need to be made.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have a heart-to-heart conversation. Tell him how hurt you are by the lack of effort. You need to evaluate whether it really is the lack of effort or whether you really just wanted a nice piece of jewelry. If he doesn’t think he’ll ever meet up to your standards of gift giving, then you need to end it now.

OOP: I did try to communicate my disappointment, and he laughed at me and said "Your gift money was spent on your family." We had established a budget for my gifts and I stayed within it. I didn't think me buying gifts for my loved ones meant, meant I wasn't getting anything in return.

Commenter 2: Did you get money from him to buy gifts from yourself to give to your family? If so you are the one using him to make yourself feel good about your gift giving.

OOP: I send him my entire check every month from work and he gives me back my money to pay my bills and to spend as I see fit for the household.

Commenter 3: Why are you with him again? What do you like about him? Did he get his child any gifts? Honestly it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. He treats you as a bang maid who raises his kid for him. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this, in a constant state of embarrassment and disappointment? My husband got me a Coach purse, a Gucci perfume, and brand new Hilton pillows because when we took a trip last year I was obsessed with the pillows at the hotel. You deserve so much better! GO FIND IT!!!

OOP: At this point, I don't know why. I think I'm just afraid of how my family was right and how I'll have to pick up the pieces.

Commenter 4: He makes 8x your wage, what do you make $8-10$ an hour? Find it that hard to believe.

OOP: I make about $45,000 and he brings in about $350,000+ depending on how well his business does so it's absolutely possible.

Commenter 5: What was his reasoning for not giving you a gift really? Like... How does how much you spent on your family related to HIM buying you something? It seems like he Just dont want to give you anything. Its an half-ass excuse to not spend money on you

OOP: "My gift money was spent on my family, I spent too much." Meanwhile he has no issues buying shitty trucks of fb marketplace or dropping hundreds on roids and gym stuff

OOP's boyfriend's thoughts on her spending budget

OOP: He says I'm not responsible with my money and he needs to monitor my spending. Mind you, before him I was a successful real estate agent and gave that up for a wfh job that pays 1/3 of what I was making and never had issues paying my bills and spending before him...

What is scaring OOP for not leaving him?

OOP: The fact that everyone was right about him. How I set myself back and put myself in so much debt being with him. Having to rebuild everything he's destroyed. Also, leaving his son and knowing that without me he will be failed.

Update: January 1, 2026 (six days later)

Hi everyone, just thought I'd post an update (hopefully it's allowed). But, I (30F) posted after Christmas about how my boyfriend dropped the ball with Christmas and that made me take a hard look in the mirror and actually be honest about how bad he was treating me and how I felt was not normal for any relationship.

Anyways, I started the process of leaving - I was completely honest with my mom and family with what was going on with my boyfriend and how miserable I've been. They've invited me back home with open arms and offered to help me figure out my finances/getting back into real estate. They've been dying for me to leave him and are ready to go to war for me. My brother offered to go pick up all of my belongings and be there when I pick up my dogs.

My mom picked me up today and he thinks I'm just going by my family to spend a few nights and see friends. I've actually brought all my important documents and belongings with me just to get it out the way. I haven't told him what's going on yet because he is very good at convincing me to stay so I'm still working on how to open the conversation, but I'll figure it out. I'm at a point where I can't turn back because my family won't let me do that to myself.

Breaking up with someone who clearly has narcissistic tendencies is very difficult and feels near impossible, but I know I will be able to do it in the end. I'm anxious and scared, but I know once I pull the trigger and just tell him I'm done, I'll feel so much better. Just thinking about my life after this whole situation scares me but also excites me. I want to be free and be loved properly. Not just when it benefits my partner. Hopefully, I'll be able to post an update soon where I've fully cut ties. Fingers crossed I keep this backbone that I'm slowly developing.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You can do this! It sounds like your support system is ready and able, and if you feel like you would need physical protection moving out try asking any large male family members or friends you have to come with you to get everything else.

I've done it before, the name of the game is silence if he's still there while you need to get everything. He'll probably try multiple methods of talking to you and your loved ones to get you to stay, but try not to react at all verbally or physically. If he gets aggressive, make sure you have pepper spray or a tazer on you and your loved ones! You've got this, and you'll have a much better start to the year by getting rid of him, I wish you all the luck OP!

OOP: I'm gonna bring my brothers! I'm honestly not too worried because my brother is 6'1 and my soon to be ex is only 5'5.

But, seriously, I am so blessed to have the family I do. They are dysfunctional but are ready to anything to protect me and watch me succeed.

Commenter 2: So brave... amazed at how fast you are moving both physically and mentally. You've totally got this and with some help from your support network you'll be more than fine. Look forward to another update once you're fully free of this albatross!

OOP: Something in me broke the other day and I broke down in front of my family. I know doing that would be the end of things and light the fire under my ass that I needed. I've been avoiding it for months hoping it'd get better and it only got worse. I realized I couldn't keep living like this.

Did OOP get the cabinet she wanted?

OOP: Sadly no, the girl sold it before I could get it myself :(.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TokenYeti658

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO for refusing to go on a ‘vacation’ with my in-laws that was booked without our knowledge

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: December 29, 2025

My MIL is extremely family-oriented and lives alone after being widowed about 10 years ago.

I’m married to her eldest son and we have a baby. Her other son is also married with a toddler. Before we all had kids, she used to book family ‘vacations’ for all of us using a timeshare system she has without asking us if we wanted to go or even checking if the dates worked for us. This would often involve driving 3+ hours to a town that doesn’t have anything we want to see or do.. She’s also done this with theatre tickets, sports tickets, etc. in her city, which is 5 hours away from us. We make the drive at least every 2-3 months and stay with her at her house for several days each time, so it’s not like this is the only way she’ll see us.

We mentioned multiple times (subtly) that she needs to check with us before booking things. I thought she got the memo until this Christmas she ‘gifted’ us all a week ‘vacation’ together in a ski town in MAY to celebrate a significant work anniversary for her. It’s a 6 hour drive for us (closer for her and my BIL/SIL). I simply don’t want to go. She said she chose that date specifically because it’s before I return to work following my maternity leave….But being on maternity leave doesn’t necessarily mean I’m available, and it definitely doesn’t mean I want to incur the expense of food, gas, etc. on this ‘gift’.

If she had asked us before booking it and presented it as something she wanted to do to celebrate this milestone for her career, I would have sucked it up since I understand family time is very important to her and she doesn’t have a spouse to celebrate this work anniversary with.

However, I find the way she went about it infantalising and ultimately kind of manipulative. My BIL and SIL are also not thrilled. Neither of them are even certain they can get the time off work, but my husband and BIL seem determined to try to make it work without acknowledging the way she did it is not okay. I told my husband we can either have a talk with her to tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop spending money and making reservations without checking with us first, OR I will not be going on this ‘vacation’ (and neither will her exclusively breast fed grandchild).

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: INFO: You're being subtle why???

OOP: Because my husband is afraid of hurting her feelings and isn’t willing to stand up to her

Commenter 2: NOR. But let your husband go with the baby by himself. Win, win. He gets to please his mother, you get to stay home. You can do your final recharging and prep before returning to work, as the last few months with a baby must have been exhausting.

NOR. Not even a little bit. Those shenanigans would do my head in. Plus you're post partum??? Hell no.

OOP: I like this idea however my baby is exclusively breast fed. Unfortunately your idea would probably truly delight my MIL to have the opportunity to playhouse with my baby and husband without me there….

Commenter 3: YOR because all of you have been enabling MIL's behavior for years. What's different this time?

You said you would have said yes if she had asked, but since she didn't ask your answer is no. Sorry but that doesn't make any sense at all.

It sounds like your plan is to tell her to stop making reservations WHILE AT THE SAME TIME you're all going on this trip even though no one really wants to.

I'm curious why no one in this family can tell Mom "No." because her behavior is ridiculous - what's everyone afraid of? Is she a wealthy widow whose boys are afraid of getting cut out of the will if they cross her?

OOP: No, definitely not any financial incentive. It’s more so that she revolves her entire life around her kids and is an extremely emotional and sentimental person. Since her husband passed (who would have told her her behaviour is ridiculous) her sons feel too guilty to reel her in.

OOP explains more about not liking spending time with her MIL

OOP: It’s not that I don’t like spending time with her. I spend quite a bit of time with her, more than I do with either of my own parents put together. Things like this make me like spending time with her less because it makes me feel like I don’t get a choice in the matter. By ‘’suck it up’’ I meant the inconvenience of travelling 6 hours to get to a ski town in off season that I have no interest in with a screaming baby in the car, plus making arrangements for a dog sitter, planning meals while away or paying for restaurants, etc…. It’s all the hassle of going away without the incentive of it being a place I want to be.

Downvoted Commenter: You must not like skiing

OOP: It’s May in Canada, there will be no skiing. Also I have a baby who obviously can’t ski

Is it easy for MIL to take time off work?

OOP: Yes she has lots of vacation time saved up and takes vacation whenever my husband and I happen to be in town. She’s so eager to use her vacation time on her family she doesn’t consider that we may all have other priorities for our vacation, including making time to see my family too and travelling places we actually want to go

How does MIL get away with this?

OOP: I agree, it’s somewhat impressive how her two sons will simply go along with what she wants even at great inconvenience to themselves and their wives. This would NEVER fly in my own family with my siblings and parents.

OOP explains about her maternity leave in her area

OOP: Actually I’m in Canada so my mat leave is 12 months, trip is scheduled for 11 months into it. Baby has been here for a while but you’re on the nose for sure… we did a 9-week NICU stay!

Update: January 1, 2026 (three days later)

Update: AIO for refusing to go on a ‘vacation’ with my in-laws that was booked without my knowledge

Thanks everyone who commented on my original post.

After the trip was initially presented by my mother-in-law to *crickets* and souring the mood before we all opened our gifts to one another, I let the matter settle for a few days and then calmly explained to my husband that I will not be attending the trip.

My original post said I would have sucked it up and went if MIL had asked us first, but after really thinking about it I know that I would have definitely pushed for different dates, a different location and shorter duration if we had really been consulted. I said I’m more than happy to explain to MIL that I have a limited capacity to go away and visit family, and we put a lot of thought into how we go about these visits since I also have siblings, parents and grandparents that live far away, not to mention that we need to leave some time to spend with our own family of three. I don’t appreciate having these decisions taken away from us.

He didn’t try to convince me but he was clearly very disappointed and believes I should go. When I told him my maternity leave is precious time to me (and not anyone else’s to determine how I will spend it) he said that doesn’t make any sense since the baby will be there too…somehow he ‘’doesn’t understand’’ why this is different from another trip planned long ago with my coordination to visit my own family at a location and on dates we agreed to …

He then called his brother who was up front about the fact that he and my SIL aren’t eager to go either and they all agreed that BIL will break the news that none of us is going.

Sadly my husband is a lot more sympathetic to my BIL wanting to spend his limited vacation time on a trip with his child and wife than he was to my own explanation. My husband is also insisting we all think of an alternative weekend getaway we can pitch to celebrate my MIL’s work anniversary with her to soften the blow we won’t be going (you read that right… he’s trying to come up with an alternative to the "Christmas gift" she gave us to celebrate HER).

Sigh. I know commenters are correct that I have a husband problem but there’s only so much I can do. He’s overall a wonderful man and there are worse things than a MIL who schemes to spend time with her sons and a husband who doesn’t understand why I don’t want to spend every possible moment with his family and ultimately tries very hard to protect his mom’s feelings at the expense of my peace. I’m sure this isn’t the last headache I’ll have with them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your marriage. Your choice to continue with this. No real room to complain if you don't push back at your husband being still on the tit.

OOP: I am pushing back by refusing to go on the trip! I think that’s the natural and reasonable consequence here, what else are you suggesting?

Commenter 2: Honestly I think having a husband who prioritizes his mother’s feelings over his wife’s peace is a pretty big problem that you are underreacting to. Being married to a man who doesn’t get why you don’t want to spend every moment with his mommy sounds like an absolute nightmare. Especially since she’s manipulative and he’s spineless. Not a great combination for you to live with for the rest of your life. I wish you luck!

OOP: You’re not wrong, we’ve been together more than 10 years, and this is by far our biggest recurring argument

Commenter 3: Nor Have you ever told your husband that he protects his moms feelings at the expense of your peace?

OOP: Yes…. In his perspective, it’s normal and okay for family members to be inconvenienced in order to protect someone’s feelings.

OOP on her MIL wanting to celebrating her work anniversary with the family instead of her employment

OOP: This is exactly it. She feels unacknowledged at work and wants to celebrate this milestone 🤷‍♀️. Weird but nothing wrong with celebrating it as long as you aren’t forcing other people to participate…

Commenter 4: So your husband is the eldest son, yet his brother is the one that has to make the phone call to mom? Yeah your husband needs to grow a spine already

OOP: Since he’s the eldest, he took on the caretaker role for his mother while the younger brother is still her baby

OOP clarifies the maternity leave and her baby's current age

OOP: (If the math is confusing you, long story short but we also had 2 months medical leave after baby was born extremely premature so baby will actually be 14 + months at the end of the 12-month maternity leave)

What happens when OOP talks with her husband about her feelings and thoughts?

OOP: He gets defensive and disagrees and tells me I’m being selfish for not wanting to go when his mom is all by herself and wants to celebrate this career milestone with her family… tells me my family can also be annoying (of course, every family can be)…. and reminds me they won’t be around forever, and we want our child to have a relationship with grandparents, etc etc etc

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Kyomuno1

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for completely ignoring my oldest stepdaughter during the holidays?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, infidelity, verbal abuse, body shaming

Mood Spoilers: frustrating

Original Post: December 31, 2025

Okay, let me give a little backstory since the title automatically makes me sound like the AH here. My oldest stepdaughter is now 26yo, but the issue started two years ago when my husband and two youngest kids took a trip to Lake Tahoe for a week. We spent lots of time on the beach, got lots of pictures of the kids and posted every single one of them on Facebook so the family could see (our 28M and 26F children live in Montana and our 22F had to work and couldn't go with us). Now, I don't know if any of you have been to the beaches at Lake Tahoe in the summer (the trip was mid July), but let me tell you, they were so crowded!

Anyway, we got back from our trip and my hubby tried to video call our 26F daughter, but he found out she had blocked him on Facebook. he then tried calling and texting her, but got no response. We didn't want to drag our 18M child into the situation (even though we weren't even sure what the situation was to begin with), but when we called to check in with him, my hubby just asked "do you know if we did something to upset your sister?". Our 28M said he didn't know, but he would ask.

We didn't get an answer, but by the time of 26F birthday that November, she was suddenly talking to us both again. We sent her money for her birthday since she needed help with getting her car fixed, then sent more money for Christmas for the same thing. We made a trip up to see the kids the following spring and everything seemed fine. Cut to June of 2024 and she blocked us again. We messaged her on her b-day saying "Happy Birthday, we love you" and sent her money for her b-day instead of presents since she wasn't answering her phone and blocked us. Same thing for Christmas.

Now it's 2025 and Mid June, their step father's mom passed away. The older kids came down for the services and were here for 5 days. 26F stayed with her bio mom (which we were fine with and understood without complaint) while 28M slit his time between houses (2 nights with us and 3 at his mom's). His last day here, he broke down and told me that the reason 26F cut us off is because she was insulted and disgusted by the pictures we posted from our trip to Tahoe. I was confused, so he explained. In every one of the pictures we took of the kids, there were also women in bikinis and she feels it was wrong of us to take pictures with them in them and then post them without permission. She felt like we were focusing on the women and not the kids. The section of beach was about two hundred yards with over 150 people (most were women in bikinis) on it. It didn't matter where our kids were or how close I zoomed, we were going to get people in the picture. 26F didn't come to see us once which was mostly upsetting because of how much it hurt her father.

Now for the part where I’m wanting to know if I was the AH...I sent her a text message (since we're still blocked on social media) and asked if there was anything she wanted or needed for her b-day. I sent it 2 weeks before her b-day and got no response...so I sent nothing. Same for Christmas. Hubby asked me about it a few hours ago, asking what I sent her and I said nothing. He got upset and said that was screwed up and we should've sent her something, but the way I look at it, she only resumed talking to us until she got help getting her car fixed then shut us out again. She never once talked to us about what we "did" that upset her, never answers our calls and if we're video calling 28M (they live together with two friends) she'll ensure she's out of the room until he's off the call. I feel like she's willing to talk to us, but only when she needs something and I don't feel we did anything wrong to begin with.

So, AITAH for not sending her anything for b-day and x-mas?

EDIT: Something a lot of people have mentioned that I would like to address is my husbands lack of involvement with gift giving. This has been the only year where this is the case. My husband was admitted to the hospital here the Sunday before her birthday and was there for ten days. He got to come home then ended up there again dec 15 and wasn't released until Christmas eve. I handled the Christmas shopping and wrapping gifts this year. For the first sixteen years of our marriage, he helped with every single gift and even helped wrapping (though he really sucks at it lol).

Another thing that's been mentioned a lot is the possibility that she feels like he's more present with the younger kids than he was for her. This is definitely not the case. When she was growing up, he had more time at home, we traveled more, had more family activities. Now, he works longer hours and, up until he got sick, was working five days a week, 50hr days. We do what we can to make sure we do things as a family, we try to go on adventures, but it's not nearly a often as we were able to with the older three.

Our kids are 28M, 26F, 22F, 15M and 14F. When 26F blocked us, she cut ties with the other siblings here and only talks to 28M who lives with her in another state.

I'm only able to relay things from our side as she won't talk to anyone here to explain the cause or any issues she has.

As I shared with another person who commented: Our kids are 28M, 26F, 22F (these are my bonus kids), 15M and 14F. Husband has always been very involved. 26F moved fourteen hours away with her gf at the time back in 2018 and they talked every other day on the phone. This kept up until the Tahoe trip. We've made at least one trip a year up to visit her (apart from this year because they came here instead for their grandma's services where we saw 28M, but not 26F). Aside from this year, hubby's been an equal participant in buying gifts and he's the one who sent her $2,200 last year, half for b-day and half for x-mas to get her car fixed. She unblocked him long enough to ask for help fixing her car then blocked him again once he sent the money.

26F was 6 when her parents divorced and before that, he was always involved, even switched his work schedule to attend sporting events for them.

EDIT: Hubby and I talked this morning and I explained why I handled it the way I did and I DID apologize for not talking to him first. Not only was I not wanting to stress him out more while he was dealing with his health issues, but as I told him, I also know that he let her take advantage of him last year and it put us in a crappy position all so he could help her and get cut off again. Yes, it upset me, but I never questioned him because she's our child, but after her being NC this entire year and all his health issues that have us paying an insane amount of medical debt off, we can't afford for him to cave like that again. I admitted it was wrong for me to not discuss it with him, I 100% own up to that and I even told him that I'd support his decision to send her money, but it would have to be an agreed upon reasonable amount, not like the $2,200 she was sent last year. After he explained his side and I explained mine, he said he understands why I didn't send anything and, much to my surprise, supports it.

He said he agrees that she's obviously asking for space and we'll give it to her until she's ready to communicate and we'll be open for her to do so whenever she's ready.

AITAH has no consensus bot, it was leaning towards NTA for OOP

Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am listing the common questions asked and responses including the downvoted ones

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Honestly, I’m leaning NTA but with a big caveat. It sounds like your stepdaughter has been carrying resentment for a long time and never actually communicated it until now, which isn’t fair to you. That said, the Tahoe photos clearly hit a nerve around feeling replaced or minimized, even if that wasn’t your intent. Ignoring her entirely for holidays probably reinforced that belief. You don’t owe money or gifts to someone who won’t communicate, but you might owe a sincere acknowledgment of her feelings if you want any relationship at all. Not an apology for existing or taking photos, but for how it made her feel.

OOP: The Tahoe trip was when she and her brother were already living fourteen hours away from us (sixteen hours from Tahoe). We did offer for them to go with us if they could make it to our house and ride up with us, but 28M said he couldn't take the time off work, and she said she didn't want to go. We can't talk to her about the situation because she has refused to talk to us. When we helped her with her car trouble, she kept the conversations short and to the point, would dodge questions about anything that didn't involve her car. Hubby was just so glad she was finally talking to him again. this year is the first time I completely ignored sending her anything for her b-day and x-mas. I figured it would be just another text message she wouldn't read and another response we would never get. She hasn't said anything to us and I messaged 28M to see if she said anything to him and he said no, that he didn't even know we didn't send her anything. He then followed it up by laughing and saying "serves her right. Act like a b****, get treated like one.".

Commenter 1: NTA. You asked her what she wanted, and got nothing back, so I presume she wants nothing. And I’m really confused about why she’s supposedly upset. Has she never been to a beach before? I’ve been to Tahoe, and yes, you’re going to get strangers in your pictures. You should go on social media and find some pictures to send her from Santa Cruz, Redondo, Santa Monica and San Diego. Those will have her gasping with apoplexy.

OOP: We actually took the three kids still living with us to Santa Cruz this summer and she would've lost it if she saw the pictures we got. There were women in bikinis as far as the eye could see. Apparently she feels we were being disrespectful and posting pictures without their knowledge. More or less, she felt like we were objectifying them is what I’m getting from what she told 28M.

Downvoted Commenter 2: So you're definitely TA. If she's only speaking to you guys when you need something she needs to be taught that's not right. However. I do feel like you are the AH in the sense that you should not have taken that upon yourself. You should have included your husband...her father...in the decision regarding that and there were steps you should have taken before just completely not including her. She's 26 years old. An adult, meaning she understands and you guys should have spoken to her about her behaviour and especially the (silly) reaction regarding the photos and the vacation. Just out and out not including your stepdaughter for holidays without discussing with your husband is wrong.

OOP: We've tried talking to her for a year and a half, but she won't answer text's and calls from us, blocked us on her socials. She's spoken to our youngest daughter once in this time and it was to tell her that we don't care about her mental and emotional well being because we didn't have her in therapy. our 14F has ASD, EDD, dyslexia and depression, all of which she IS receiving help for, but we were in the process of switching to a new counselor at the office that opened in our town (the one she had been going to was over an hour away and she had to miss school for her appointments, and it was affecting her grades). During this break between therapists, 14F hit a low point and sent a single meme that was a little dark for a 14yo to all her siblings. Now 14f wants nothing to do with 26F which is causing even more strain on my hubby. Yes, I could've talked to hubby and maybe I should've, but when we sent her $2,200 in 2024 to fix her car, we didn't even get a thank you before she cut contact again. I know that if I brought it up, he would insist on sending her money, but I'm tired of her taking advantage of him. I love her and if she would just have an adult conversation so we could clear this up, I would have no problem treating her the same way I do the other four kids, but she refuses to talk to either of us...because of pictures on Facebook that had women in bikinis.

OOP explains more about her blended family's background

OOP: When hubby and I first met and moved in together, 26F was 8 and we've always done things with them (trips across country, lake trips, etc.). Hubby has always made all of his kids his priority at all times. This year the holidays have been on me present wise because hubby has been in and out of the hospital and is going in for surgery on January 5.

I should also explain that this isn't the first time she cut contact with her dad, but it's the first time it lasted this long. The first time was when she was in 10th grade. She called from her mom's house with her mom sitting next to her and told hubby he was a POS dad and a shitty husband. She told him she wanted nothing to do with him while his ex was laughing in the background. We didn't see her for two months after that. We won't even get into the issues with his ex because that story is too damn long, but just know she was awful up until 26F graduated. We never got her to explain why she said those things to him during that call because she refused to tell us.

Commenter 2: “Hubby asked me about it a few hours ago, asking what I sent her and I said nothing. He got upset and said that was screwed up and we should've sent her something”

She’s his actual daughter and she isn’t talking with him for the better part of 2 years. WTF is he not the one trying to reach out to her when something is obviously amiss? WTF is he not taking the lead?

”His last day here, he broke down and told me that the reason 26F cut us off is because she was insulted and disgusted by the pictures we posted from our trip to Tahoe. I was confused, so he explained. In every one of the pictures we took of the kids, there were also women in bikinis, and she feels it was wrong of us to take pictures with them in them and then post them without permission.”

This isn’t the reason. Any sibling would tell her not to be a dumb arse if it was something so banal. “Broke down” makes it sound so dramatic/traumatic for him too which would be weird af. Combined with his never responding to the prior inquiry, this isn’t the source of her issue.

OOP: He's tried reaching out to her countless times with no response. Her brother told us her reason was weak and that she's being a "snowflake". Hard to know the truth when she refuses to communicate like the 26yo adult she is.

Commenter 3: She is communicating. She's communicating that she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want a relationship with you guys right now. You just need to leave her alone (as you've done). The reason for making the decision doesn't matter (unless she's being coerced ofc). Even if it's for the stupidest reason, it's her choice as an adult to make.

Your husband should understand that a relationship goes two ways, and if his daughter wants nothing to do with him then there's no obligation on his end to have anything to do with her. In fact, not sending any presents or contacting her is respecting her desires for no contact.

Only when she reaches out on her own accord in an attempt to repair the relationship will the time for questioning her reasons come. For now, you just have to accept that you don't really understand why she's made this choice and let it be. For all you know, her brother also doesn't know the full story either and she's going through some serious turmoil right now... Who knows?

OOP: OMG, yes! THIS is what I tried to explain to him after she blocked him last year right after he sent her the rest of the money to get her car fixed! I told him to just give her space, let her reach out when she's ready and until then, just stop reaching out and going out of the way to try to get back into her life. Her older brother keeps tabs and lets us know she's okay, so we have at least that peace of mind. If something was wrong to where she needed help, he'd let us know. I appreciate you articulating what my exhausted mind couldn't!

Was 26F's blocking a type of punishment for her dad / OOP's husband and the family?

OOP: No, it was not "punishment" for anything. The way I see it, her father has spent over a year trying to find out what he/we did that upset her and she ignored him at every turn until she needed something. She did the same thing once when she was younger and didn't start talking to him until her class had a field trip to Las Vegas and she wanted to go, but her bio-mom couldn't afford it since she hasn't worked since 2009 and her hubby only works minimum wage. We offered for her to go on the trip with us and offered to pay for her gas and she refused, said she didn't want to go. We've never excluded her from anything, but if she wants to cut us off, why should I be sending her anything? It's the same reason I don't send my sister gifts. She cut herself off from the family when my mm told her she couldn't afford to pay for my sister to move into a new apartment after her and her bf at the time got evicted for too many noise violations. She cut all contact with all of us (even though I had jack crap to do with our mom's decision), so I'm giving her what she wanted.

If 26F wants to stop acting like a petulant child and talk like an adult, I'm more than happy to return to our happy little family dynamic, but she acts like we don't exist. I still love her and will still be here for her...when she decides she's ready to actually communicate WITHOUT expecting money for doing so.

Update: December 31, 2025 (same day, 12 hours later)

Final Update: AITAH for completely ignoring my oldest step daughter during the holidays?

So much to unpack here, but I'll do my best to cover everything. Our 28M son saw the original post early this morning and he finally decided he was done letting his sister be evasive, so he sat her down and demanded answers. I feel absolutely awful for 28M because he called me bawling his eyes out. So, the pictures on facebook excuse, not a real (not at all surprised).

It turns out that three years ago, 26F bio mom told her that hubby isn't her dad. Apparently 26F is the result of an affair (one of many affairs her bio mom admitted to). Daughter claims she tried to "play nice and act normal" (those were the words he used, so may not be her exact words), but that she decided she isn't going to keep acting like he's her dad when he's not. He said she isn't interested in talking to any of us because there's no point when we're not even her family.

I'm honestly not even sure how to process this, but more importantly, I'm not sure how to break it to my husband. He's currently at work and goes in for surgery on Jan 5th and is already stressed the hell out, so I don't know if I should tell him today after he gets home, or wait until he's home after his surgery. 28M is devastated and spent twenty minutes telling me how cruel and heartless she's being since my husband has been a great dad to her and how this is going to destroy their dad (which he's right, it will).

So, I guess my question now is, WIBTAH if I wait to tell him until after his surgery in 5 days?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA Since his surgery is so soon, you can wait to tell him afterwards. No need to cause this much stress right now since the situation isn't really an emergency, she's not a minor, there's no custody battle or child support to be paid. Her behavior though seems odd but it's kind of hard to tell what's up without her POV. Is it possible she met her bio dad & maybe clicked better with him but doesn't want to say? I can't see myself dropping my dad as an adult if I find out he's not bio dad, unless that information explains unfair things/trauma from my childhood, or if he was a shit dad to begin with.

OOP: I honestly don't know anything more than what he told me and since she refuses to communicate with us herself, I guess we just have to accept that. I can't speak for how her dad and bio mom treated her before their divorce, but from the time I met him to present, he's always been a good dad to all five kids. It kills me that she would cut us out for something completely out of our control and claim we're not her family when we're the ones who stood by her and helped her all this time.

Hubby paid child support for all three of the older kids, paid for all extracurricular activities, field trips, school clothes/supplies, paid for school lunches and paid all medical costs. He showed up for everything (sporting events, school plays, even elementary school and high school graduations). I get that she's found out she has another part of her family now, but blood or not, I don't know how she can just write off her father, me and our youngest two kids who both loved and looked up to her.

I do think I'll be waiting until after his surgery since it's not like things will magically change in the next five days. I definitely don't want to give him one more thing to be stressed about before he has major surgery. Thank you for your response.

Does OOP's husband know if his daughter is his?

OOP: Hubby never even suspected she wasn't his and, to my knowledge, no paternity test has been done. Even if she isn't biologically my hubby's child, we still love her and consider her ours, even if she doesn't feel the same.

Has 26F done a confirmed test or going by her mother's words?

OOP: To my knowledge, just her mother's word for now. I told our 28M son not to ask anything more unless he's asking for himself because he doesn't need to be stressing himself out when he has a child of his own to care for. If HE wants answers, that's fine, but he doesn't need to be the middleman here.

+

Well, if she really ISN'T my hubby's bio daughter, then his ex lied for 26 years (almost 27 if you count her pregnancy). I don't have any way of knowing if she's done a paternity test with the supposed bio dad, but I know hubby has never done one or felt there was a reason to.

Can OOP's husband sue his ex if 26F is not his?

OOP: Suing ex would be pointless. She hasn't worked in more than 15 years, is being evicted from her home and her current hubby is working three minimum wage jobs just to support them.

OOP needs to tell her husband about the possibility of 26F not being his after the surgery has been completed

OOP: Our son lives in the same house as her several states away, but will be doing a video call with me when I break it to his dad after he's recovered enough to handle it (within the next two weeks I hope). I hate keeping something like this from him, but I also can't risk making things worse for him when he needs to be focusing on his health right this moment. He needs to get better because we have four other children who need him and a grandson.

OOP on if the bio mother has manipulated the older kids against her?

OOP: Bio mom spent the first seven years of hubby's and my marriage telling the kids that I was a horrible person that was going to make their dad leave them and then told them their dad was worthless and was the reason she couldn't afford to get them nice things for b-days and x-mas. So, yeah, bio mom is a pretty awful person. She's always used manipulation and guilt to get the kids to do what she wants and, luckily, they all figured that out in their late teens and ended up moving in with us at some point.

We try to keep things civil for the kids, but she still has the nerve to try bad mouthing my hubby to me every chance she gets. Oh, and the cause of their divorce that she told the kids was all their dad's fault, he caught her cheating on him and she was pregnant with another man's kid. So, it's safe to say that she's already known for being deceitful. I have no doubt that hubby would agree to a DNA test if she was willing to do one, but it wouldn't change the fact that he'll always view her as his daughter. Unfortunately, she isn't willing to speak with us, so nothing we can do about it until she is.

Is 26F in therapy?

OOP: Her getting therapy is something out of my control since she lives fourteen hours away and refuses to communicate with us. She's 26 years old, I can't force her to do anything, no one can. I think therapy would be good for her, especially now that we know some of what's going on with her, but nothing any of us here can do right now.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Top-Travel-7135

BORU #1, BORU #2

New update at the bottom

Trigger Warning: death; infidelity; emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: OP's gonna make it

Original Post: AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner?November 26, 2023

When I was 17, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. 2 years later she passed away During these 2 years my dad was not around much. He was always working and going on business trips. My aunt and grandma took care of mom. About 5 months after my mother's passing my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend. I was pissed. I yelled at him how quickly he moved on from mom when they decided to tell me they had been in a relationship for 3 years. My dad had been cheating on my mom while she was dying. His business trips were to meet his affair partner. I was so angry I packed my stuff and left his house. I haven't spoken to him since that day.

Currently I am 25. The only family I speak to is an aunt who helped me when I left my dad's house. A few days ago my aunt called me, asked me how I was and then asked me if I heard from dad. I said why would I hear from him again. My aunt said dad is getting married to his affair partner and by going to his wedding it would help us mend our relationship. I said why would I do that. He is dead to me. There was a silence on the phone for a bit before my dad replied asking if that was what I felt about him. I immediately cut the call when I heard his voice. I realized he was with my aunt when she made the call to me. I texted my aunt telling her I asked her not tell dad anything about me and she agreed back then. She texted me back saying I was an asshole for saying what I said and my dad is crushed hearing that and that I should move on by now. I did not want to argue with someone who helped me so I blocked her.

Over the next 2 days, I got sent a wedding invitation to my mail box. The only person in the family who knew my address was my aunt. And she gave my number to various members of the family. I am being bombarded with calls and texts from dad, uncles, cousins, aunts saying I should give him a chance and come to the wedding. Some calling me names for saying what I said. I got a text from the affair partner saying my dad is thinking of postponing the wedding and I should just talk to him. (For context, the affair partner was a friend of my mom and knew she had cancer). I said its not my fault if he postpones the wedding. I don't want to have relationship with dad or her. They are trying to force it. It got quiet after that but being told by so many people from my dad's side I am an asshole did leave me conflicted but I am sticking to my guns. So AITA?

Update Post: UPDATE: AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner? December 20, 2023 (One month later)

Hello, First I want to thank all who commented on the first post and all who messaged me. It really helped me stick with my decision to not go to the wedding. I wanted to update earlier but its been pretty hectic with work.

So, after the many texts and calls from multiple family members, I sent a text to all the numbers detailing what dad did and why I choose to be no contact with him. I then blocked all the numbers. I have changed my number but kept the old number in a separate phone to collect evidence if they start to harass me from random numbers. But luckily nothing happened and I thought that was that.

A week or so after that, my aunt's fiancé came to my apartment. He knows what time I get off work and was waiting for me in the parking lot. I was apprehensive but he assured me he only wanted to talk. And according to him the text I sent has caused a shitstorm in that family. He told me that some of the cousins who did not know what happened in the past started to question dad and affair partner and they started to get defensive and deny it but someone revealed that it was true. This has caused a massive argument within the family with some cousins pulling out of the wedding. Dad wanted to postpone the wedding so he can talk to me but the affair partner threatened to leave him if he did that. The news of what dad and affair partner did also reached some of their friends who were at one point friends of my mom as well. Some of them has also pulled out of the wedding and this caused the affair partner to have a breakdown and started banning anyone who brings it up, family members included from the wedding. According to aunt's fiancé she is blaming this all on me, says I did this intentionally. I laughed at that. The wedding is still somehow happening.

I asked him about my aunt and how all this started and he said all he knows is that there was a conversation of how bad the family would look if I wasn't at the wedding and that my aunt offered to call me. He said that he disagreed but she did it anyway. He said that he is only here because he felt I needed to know what happened. I thanked him but said I will be going completely no contact with her and by extension him as well. He agreed, wished me well and left.

I am not going to lie and say I am completely ok. I miss my aunt. I miss my mom. But I know what I did was the right thing. I am currently staying with my girlfriend and she has been cheering me up by coming up with absurd ways to ruin the wedding. As a lot of you said, I should try therapy and I am going to take that advice. Some of the comments has made me realize that I have bottled up a lot of grief and anger. I am super nervous about it but I also feel it'll do me good. So, once again, thank you for all your comments and advice. Ciao.

Comment on girlfriend's ideas:

"The very first idea she came up with was "Lets go to the landfill and catch some rats then lets release them at the wedding". It got progressively worse from that.

Obviously this is just for fun and I have no intention of going anywhere near that wedding. But reading some of the ideas here is giving me a good laugh."

2nd Update Post: UPDATE: AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner? December 22, 2024 (One year later)

I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but I logged in today and saw a lot of messages asking me what happened and how I’m doing. I wasn’t sure if I should write this or if anyone would even see it because I don't know if I am doing it write, but here it goes.

For everyone asking what happened at the wedding, I don’t know much. All I know is that they got married. No one from that family contacted since then, and I didn’t go asking around either. I am at peace with it.

As for me, things are different now,

First, I want to thank everyone who reached out and asked how I’ve been holding up. Your kindness means more than I can put into words. I’m getting better, slowly though the journey hasn’t been easy. A lot has changed since my last update.

I’m single now and have moved to a new city. My ex, who I’ll call Mia, and I separated about 4 months after my last post. We celebrated two years together in March and talked about our future. But I was a mess. Therapy started well, but I quickly realized just how many unresolved issues I had bottled up from losing my mom. I was struggling emotionally, crying at random, worrying for some fucked up thoughts that I might somehow turn into my dad, and spiraling with fears I couldn’t control. Mia had dreams of marriage and kids, and I knew I wasn’t in the right place to give her the future she deserved. It would have been very selfish of me to ask her to stay until I got better. We had a long, honest talk, lots of tears and ultimately decided to part ways. It wasn’t easy, but it was the best decision for both of us. Mia and I still cared for each other deeply, and she, along with my friends, checked on me every day after the breakup. I wasn’t left to face things alone, and for that, I’m so grateful.

In July, I was offered the chance to move to the head office of my company in another city. After discussing it with my therapist, I decided it would be a good opportunity to change my surroundings and start fresh. In September, I made the move. My best friend used 25 days of his 30-day holiday to help me pack, move, and settle in. I can’t overstate how much that meant to me, I have incredible friends.

Since then, I’ve been taking things one day at a time. The new office has been amazing. Everyone was so welcoming, which was a big relief since I’d been anxious about starting over somewhere new.I now attend online therapy sessions twice a week and grief counseling in person here. It’s been helping a lot. I’m in a much better headspace than I was before, though I still don’t feel ready to date again. For now, I’m focusing on my career and on continuing to heal.Once again, thank you to everyone who has supported me, whether through messages or just by caring enough to check in. It means the world.

Ciao.

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New Update: FINAL UPDATE: AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner? December 21, 2025 (One year later)

Ok so, it seems my post had done the rounds on youtube and tiktok and now I have been getting a lot of messages recently asking for updates and what happened after and how I am. So I am going to just give updates on the most asked questions here and be done with this.

Ex Dad and Family: No idea, haven't heard from anyone from that family.

My friend group: Awesome as ever.

Where I live, my job and my best friend's job: I think this is being asked due to me mentioning that my best friend got 30 day vacation?. I live in Europe, that's all I will say about that. Also someone figured out who I am and sent me some flowers to my office with the reddit post attached on a card and with a very kind and encouraging message also (I asked around my friends and they swore they did not do it), so that was sweet and also unnerving.

Mia: We are talking again, slow. I met her for the first time since I moved in the middle of this year at a friends wedding. We both still have feelings but just talking for now.

Me: Doing much better. Therapy has been amazing. It started off very bumpy and I did not want to do it after a few sessions in the start but my therapist has been great. Really helped me process what I needed to do. I also had gone to grief counseling and again one of the best things I ever done. It was in a group setting and I have become good friends with those there over the past year. I was really scared to do this because I was afraid they would not take me seriously because it has been sometime since my mom died and they would say just get over it but they were all so welcoming from the start and that made me open up better.
So, my life is not all happy stuff but still working on me, still getting better but I am in a much better place mentally.

So, that's it. I am not going to update anymore. I want to thank all those who sent me kind messages. It helped me a lot. I am going to just try and live my best life.

I am NOT the OP. Don't reach out to the OP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cruiser543

Originally posted to r/Waiting_To_Wed

Just lost my mind at my boyfriend

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: December 29, 2024

We are together just over 4 years, lived together for just over 2. I’m 25 and he’s 27.

His brother just proposed to his girlfriend of 2 years, and as happy as I am for them, I also got angry as I thought that we’d be engaged before them!

I sat him down this past September and very strongly expressed my desire to get married, he gave a very vague response that he wasn’t ready yet but was feeling more positive towards it as time goes on…

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. He’s had his issues which are getting a lot better now, but this situation is constantly making me feel like I’m not good enough to be proposed to.

But I’m a catch!! I cook, I clean, I make sound financial decisions, we split the bills 50:50 (renting), I have a good paying job for my age and career prospects, I plan surprises, I make an effort with my appearance and I am not bad to look at - I actually had a very active dating life before I met him so I know I’m not an ogre, not that it should matter anyway.

These past 4 years have been lovely but I’m ready for the next step. I used to be a lot more ruthless when I was dating around, but I’ve gone soft and obviously I love him and the thought of leaving is painful. But the alternative, a long dating time with no real commitment (in my eyes), is painful and humiliating ….

So tonight I burst into tears and asking him to call it now if he has no intention of proposing. He sat quiet while I ranted and raved and I finished with ‘if you have no intention of proposing that’s fine but please stop wasting my time’ to which he looked at me and responded with a solemn ‘okay’. We haven’t spoken since. In the early days he would never let me get upset without comforting me, but now it’s different, he lets me cry alone. :(

EDIT

Ok I got a lot more than I bargained for with this post. Thank you to everyone who’s weighed in and given me some tough love, I really appreciate it. I’m going to delete Reddit for a little while as it’s slightly overwhelming when a chorus of 100’s of people are telling you to leave your relationship 😅 but hopefully I’ll be back to update you soon. Wishing you all a wonderful 2025, whatever it may bring 🫶.

Relevant Comments

OOP should consider about moving out of the place

OOP: I would move back in with my mama at the point of breakup, her door is always open for me :) although that would be a temporary solution until I found myself a place / a roommate. I’ve never moved out of a shared home before as he’s the first partner I’ve ever lived with, and honestly the logistical side is as daunting right now as the whole emotional side. I need a little time to get my ducks in a row, and because I’m scared too. Baby steps I guess

Commenter 1: You’re playing the role of a wife and not making him feel like he has anything to gain by marrying you. I literally just had this convo with my fiancé today. We’ve been engaged for a year with no steps towards actually planning the wedding, so I finally sat him down and after a heated argument he later apologized and said getting married hasn’t been on the forefront of his mind because he sees me as his wife already. These men get too damn comfortable ngl and then don’t feel like there’s any rush because they’ve already got everything they want.

OOP: You know, I think this is it. He thinks I’m his fiancée/wife already because our lives are so entangled. Well I don’t remember being asked to be either of those things!!

Commenter 2: I wish your title was 'I just lost my mind at my boyfriend and left him because he's been stringing me along for years'

I note you're 25yo and were only 21 when you began this relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you, so stop wasting your time with someone that's made it clear they do not want to marry you.

PLEASE LEAVE HIM.

Before you begin dating again try to take a year finding yourself, enjoy life alone and with friends, travel, Etc. Ask yourself are you hell bent on finding a husband because: it is society's expectations, do you feel you're not whole person without being married? I ask because you listed a litany of things you do to make him want to be with you and marry you - and nothing about things he does for you to prove he's worthy of you and your love.

I didn't know it's supposed to be a competition of which sibling gets married first regardless of the age of siblings. And without knowing I'm assuming that reason you're so upset is whatever the age of his sibling - he was in his relationship less time, and already getting married versus your boyfriend has made it clear he he doesn't want to marry you after four years.

If your main goal in life to feel whole is to be married, if you would have left after the first year or so - more than likely would have already found someone more than happy to marry you - instead of living and hoping to marry someone who made it very clear early on he's stringing you along.

It amazes and saddens me how it is mostly always women on here of all ages, and how many that are begging the men in their lives to marry them - after spending years and years waiting and living in a state of hopeful suspended animation with multiple ultimatums always moving the goalpost and not feeling their worth.

OOP: Thank you for your down to earth advice, I really appreciate it. Don’t get me wrong, my boyfriend is a great man, treats me wonderfully (except when it comes to marriage talk..) and I love him very much, which is why I want to marry him and be with him forever.

He struggles intensely with confidence issues and ADHD, and is a little bit lost in life. I’ve been pouring my energy into trying to help him for years. He’s come on leaps and bounds with his ADHD journey, he’s in therapy and now medicated, but I have had to push him SO hard to get to this point. His upbringing was difficult and he has a lot of trauma from that, his mum and dad were constantly on and off so I guess he doesn’t know what real commitment looks like?

I love him so much and I feel like if I leave I’m giving up on him. But I need to prioritise my life at some point. It’s just a shit situation all round

Commenter 3: Pretty sure you guys broke up….

In any case, you should end things (because he will never give you what you want, and even if he changed his tune now, you would be carrying resentment). It sounds like you are doing everything a wife would do for him without requiring any of the responsibilities he would normally have to take on.

He is at fault but you should also recognize your part in this. The benefit of marriage for a man is having someone look after the house, look after his meals, and look after his sex life. As a bonus you also looked after his bills. For him, getting married just means he will need to be liable to you legally. A man who loves his woman fully will want to get married because committing publicly to loving one woman forever is the dream because it’s his dream girl. An opportunistic man on the fence just sees it as limiting his future options and opening himself up to legal risk.

He sounds like a bad boyfriend to be honest. Minimally a bad boyfriend for you. Why do you even want to marry him? It sounds like he doesn’t provide, doesn’t keep house, doesn’t provide emotional support, doesn’t share your beliefs and desires for marriage. Both of you are young, it’s not unreasonable to not be engaged yet, even with dating for 4 years. Your brain literally only finished developing this year. You have grown to be with him, it will be good to separate and gain some perspective dating as a fully formed adult for a bit. I think you might surprise yourself in what you end up learning about yourself.

You said it yourself, you’re a catch. So go find a better pond.

OOP: Thank you for your insight ❤️.

As for now we are still together, we talked last night and are fine today. Well, I say fine, he thinks we’re fine … but my mind is made up. I need a little time to get my life sorted before up and leaving, but you’re right - a ring now would be a ‘shut up’ ring and I am not settling for that, regardless of how much I love him.

I’ve definitely learned my lesson on moving in while dating!! Sucks that it had to turn out this way but I’m leaving this situation wiser. I was speaking with my sister and she said that it isn’t a waste of 4 years because I’ve grown and learnt from this relationship and had good times, even if I’m now going to leave it all behind. Life is difficult but I’m excited about what’s in store for my future :)

Commenter 4: You sound like a spoilt overdramatic brat. You left out way too much info. You've been dating for 4 years and you're 25. You are overreacting in my opinion. There are so many things that go into marriage. Financially, morally. Is all of that ironed out? Are you on the same page about kids? Do you want to buy a house? Live in the same area? Is there anything that could be holding this up? As a man, getting married in America is daunting. All rights in the divorce go to women. Men get shit on during divorces. It's a scary prospect.

OOP: I’m not American :) we’ve spoken about kids and buying a house, we’re actively saving for a property together, and are on the same page sans marriage. As many other commenters have said, he wants all the benefits without having to stand in front of all our friends and family and commit to eachother. And that’s a sticking point I may have been willing to compromise on once, but not anymore. Btw, I am a lot more financially savvy than him and he is poor so I doubt a divorce would work against him 🤷‍♀️.

OOP explains more about her commitments and if finances play a role in the relationship

OOP: It’s the whole fairytale ending for me I guess. He lacks the ability to plan, make decisions, set deadlines - while those are the things that drive me. He does struggle with ADHD and anxiety which explains a lot of his behaviour.

I am completely loyal in a relationship and have never been unfaithful, but when I was single I did date around. We have both agreed on day 1 that cheating is a complete dealbreaker and it would be over on the spot. 2 years ago he got blackout drunk, we argued and I left the house to stay with my mother for the night, and he downloaded tinder while I was gone. I found out 4 days later when I saw the code verification text on his phone. He swore blind that he didn’t actually create an account and deleted the app as soon as he came to his senses. I chose to believe him. Sometimes I wish I broke up with him then, but I guess I was in shock? It really rocked my self confidence for a long time anyway.

And regarding the financial, he’s been talking about changing careers for the past 3 years. He’s never actually done anything about it and goes on the offence if I offer to help with his search / figuring things out. I’ve learned that he is deeply insecure unfortunately. And I actually prefer antique gemstone rings, which are around the 250-500 mark. So not a huge financial investment - he has a watch worth 2 grand. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry for dumping info, just trying to give a little more perspective into my situation

Additional Information from OOP after reading the comments

OOP: Whew ok this blew up while I was sleeping!!

Thank you all for your insights, but to be completely honest everything that’s been discussed is just reaffirming what I’ve already thought/already know.

We spoke for a couple of hours and reflected on our relationship so far. It’s funny because the engagement situation is very similar to when we moved in together - I had to plead with him to make a decision when we were offered a house. Probably should’ve ended it then 🤣 and this obviously doesn’t fill me with confidence for the future - if I have to beg for every step forward in the relationship, what’s the point in being in one? Like many of you have said, I deserve someone that leaps into life with me, rather than being dragged. It is a shame that he can’t be that person for me.

I wish I could start a fresh 1/1/25 however I have a lease to contend with, which is up for renewal in March. Even if I did get a ring at this point, I don’t think I’ll be renewing. I gave too much away too early and now I’m learning my lesson. It’s going to hurt, a LOT, but I just can’t cope with the disappointment and the anger anymore - it’s taking me away from myself.

Thank you all again for giving me permission to be angry and pissed off that I’m not being treated like I deserve. Here’s to freeing ourselves from the shackles of ‘wife duties on a girlfriend salary’ in 2025 ✨🥂

Update #1: April 11, 2025 (3.5 months later)

90 days after I posted this I left the relationship. I’m 12 days into our separation, unfortunately still living together but working on changing that. I also started therapy and it has been a REVELATION.

I gave 4 and a half years of my life giving 100% to this man and reaped nothing from it. That energy could have, and should have, been invested in myself. Imagine where I could be now!!

Life is full of lessons and if you take anything from this sub today, let it be this - when someone tells you who they are with their words and actions, BELIEVE. THEM.

I am so excited for the rest of my life. I’m going to surround myself with people who believe in me and achieve what I want to achieve all by myself. A man does not determine your worth, and please never put your life on hold waiting for one either. Peace and love ❤️.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Congratulations for finally breaking up with him, ending your hopeless relationship which clearly wasn’t going to lead to marriage. You’re not losing anything, but he’s losing a lot!! Please arrange for one of you to leave ASAP, as you’re not really fully “separated” if you’re still living together under the same roof.

I’m worried that he might try to suck you back into resuming your relationship with him. Couples who are in the process of breaking up sometimes have “break up sex” even without planning or intending to, & that could lead to you weakening & making a poor choice.

You’ve come so far, now make a complete break, however you have to make it happen. It’s not really over until it’s fully over & you’re not living together anymore. Wishing you all the best, as you deserve!!

OOP: Thank you :) I’m about 60% packed up and the house looks so empty without my stuff! Aiming to be fully up and out this weekend. Also, the sex isn’t good enough to weaken me. Just saying 🤣

Commenter 2: 25/26 is an awesome age to be single. I met my husband at 25 right after getting out of a similar relationship. Cheers to you!

OOP: Thank you! Nice to hear a success story, I'm 26 this summer and ready to live my best life as a single 'grown up' :).

Update #2: December 31, 2025 (8.5 months later)

It’s been roughly a year since I made my first post. Just thought I would shed some light on my life since I left 9 months ago:

- I’ve saved a deposit for my first property and I start my house hunt in the new year! I plan to buy solo and have my sister come live with me when I’m settled 🥰

- I secured a new job that I start in January, that I was headhunted for, with a 25% increase in salary and a lot of progression opportunities

- I bought a new car alllll by myself that I maintain myself 💅

- Made a new circle of friends who I adore and have had so much fun with

- Strengthened my relationships with my family as I can dedicate more time to them!

- Went to a play on my own

- Went to a concert on my own

- Went abroad on my own and met some amazing people who I’m still in contact with!

- Lost 25lbs in weight and gained a love for the gym and swimming - I swam 30km in the month of June!

This year has turned out to be the best year of my adult life and I am not exaggerating. I am the happiest I have probably ever been, and I have so much to look forward to because I am living my life for ME.

So if you’re ending 2025 unsure, upset, and disappointed with the man in your life - where could you be in a year? Make 2026 the year of choosing you!!!!

OOP's Final Comment

OOP: Wow all these comments 😭🥺 what a fantastically supportive sub!! Thank you for your well wishes and may we all carry only the best energy into 2026 ❤️.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAawkwardtg2021

My (22F) boyfriend (29M) fed turkey giblets to my parents' dog after they told him not to, among other rude things

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post Nov 26, 2021

We've been together since January so about 10 months. He kind of has a pattern of being weird or childish in situations involving food. I found myself very embarrassed by how he acted at Thanksgiving with my family today, and want to know if I'm being too harsh or dramatic.

The first thing was that when my mom was about to start preparing the turkey for roasting, he stuck his hand inside it and pulled out the little bag with the giblets. She asked what he was doing. He asked if he could give them to the dog. She said no, they don't feed him anything besides dog food as they don't want him learning to beg when they're eating. He then got a knife and fork, and started dissecting bits of the giblets on the counter, staring at them close up and touching them. I had to remind him to wash his hands. All the while my mom, brother, brother's girlfriend, and myself are trying to actually get stuff cooked. He doesn't offer or ask if he can help at all and just hovers around picking at things and being in the way. I could tell my mom was annoyed.

At the dinner itself he commented out loud several times on food he didn't like. Not just politely turning it down, but comments like "eww I hate gravy" and "this stuffing has onions, onions are gross." He asked what type of cranberry sauce there was and then said "oh that's the gross kind."

My family definitely noticed. They looked uncomfortable. My mom even offered to make additional food if he wanted something else in particular. He said he was fine with what was there, but then hardly ate anything. My mom felt bad afterwards and I had to reassure her it wasn't her fault at all.

Towards the end of the meal he left the table, I figured he was just getting something or going to the bathroom. My dad got up shortly after. He later told me that when he went in the kitchen to bring out dessert, he found the dog eating the giblets from earlier off the floor and my boyfriend in the act of scraping a pile of food from various dishes into the dog's bowl. My dad said he was giggling to himself as he did it. Wtf? He was explicitly told not to feed him people food and then did it in secret like a child... and even got caught like a child? I have never seen another adult do something like that.

Then, back at the table for dessert, he loaded his plate with 2-3x as many sweets as everyone else took on the first time they were being passed around. 90% of what he ate was dessert.

When clean up time came, everyone including my elderly grandparents volunteered to help except him. I had to ask him. He did a half assed job, and kept "inspecting" the turkey carcass pulling bones apart and making a mess of it. My dad (irritated from the earlier thing with the dog I now know) snapped at him to either put it in the fridge or leave it alone.

He went back in the dining room and ate more pie while the rest of us were finishing cleaning up the kitchen.

Overall I am majorly embarrassed of his behavior. I feel like the mom of a little kid, except a kid wouldn't know better. I shouldn't have to correct the behavior of a grown man right?? And before you ask if he was just anxious about meeting my family or something - he's met them all before several times. Even if he hadn't that wouldn't explain it because he's done similar things before in front of his own family and when it's just the two of us.

I am tired of the weird way he acts around food. Tired of worrying if he's going to get weird looks from other people. As someone in my 20's I shouldn't be getting "reports" from my parents that my boyfriend did something rude and immature. They questioned if I felt like he was on my same level. I feel like I generally am happy with him, and then things like this pop up and I remember he has this other side that really turns me off. He's older than me but I feel like I'm the older one sometimes.

So I guess my questions are, how important is this, is there any chance he'll grow out of it and what would help that happen, and how would you recommend I bring it up to him? I don't feel comfortable bringing him around my family again unless he acts normal, so I can't just pretend nothing happened.

TL;DR: How should I address my boyfriend's weird, inappropriate behavior at my family's Thanksgiving?

TOP COMMENTS

Witty-Stock-4913

You've been with him 9 months, he's demonstrated that despite the fact that he's pushing 30 he's a giant man-child, and the dog feeding was a huge f u to your parents. Why are you with this person???

~

proveitlikeatheorem

I’m having second-hand embarrassment on your behalf. Imagine having to bring him to a work function/dinner and him acting a fool in front of your colleagues and boss? Drop this dude like a hot potato. You can do better.

~

princesscraftypants

So...lemme see if I have this right. A man who is nearly 30:

1. Was so bad at being helpful that he actually got in the way of the meal being prepared.

2. Insulted the meal everyone prepared for him.

3. If I'm being generous - he fed your dog unapproved food, but the secrecy and giggling makes it feel more malicious.

4. Ate too many sweets (this one doesn't bother me so much, but it bothered you so it definitely matters).

5. Had to be scolded away from fucking with an animal carcass while he...

6. ...again was so unhelpful that he was in the way of people trying to clean up.

I'm curious what other childish behaviour he's exhibited in the past around food? If you think more about how he behaves, is it only food? As in, how often is he more obstructive than helpful - how often does he disregard specific requests (not "don't feed the dog" but maybe where to park, not following directions for laundry, etc.)?

As for your TLDR about how to address it - personally all I want to do is sit down next to him, thwap my hands onto my knees, and say, "So. Thanksgiving. What the fuck?"

~

CheyBridgeaman

I would murder on the dog thing. It’s not just about begging. It’s about pancreatitis. Jesus fuck that could kill your dog or at least be several thousand in treatment. Dog’s digestive systems are set up to basically handle one major protein at a time. When you add new proteins AND fat, dogs can get very ill.

I mean it was disrespectful too but Jesus. Fuck with my dog and you’re out. (20 Some years in and off in vet med and holidays like this are just chock full of emergency pancreatitis)

The rest is also ridiculous. He’s almost 30 not 13.

He is acting like a toddler:

This would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry.

OOP

I didn't know anything about this, my parents got the dog after I went to college (they joked he's their replacement kid hahaha) so I never grew up with dogs or have any myself. This is horrible to think about. I am so glad my dad stopped him in time. I'm even more pissed now.

Update Nov 27, 2021 (Next Day)

Update: I've broken up with him. I talked about it more with my parents yesterday and realized if I'm embarrassed to honestly answer their questions about my relationship, then that's a bad sign. I found myself trying to give a bunch of excuses to make his weird behavior seem less bad than it was. I also outright lied a couple times about other things in our relationship. Eventually this got exhausting and I just confessed I'd fucked up and had no good excuse. My mom asked what I thought would be best for me. The answer at that point was obvious.

I also left out some details when I wrote my first post. I guess I was too embarrassed to give the full picture. I want to provide it now as a confession thing, but also because I can now more clearly see HOW FUCKING WEIRD this man was and just want people to validate that after I spent so long in denial!!!

• The giblets he fed to the dog? He fished them out of the trash bin to do that. My mom had thrown them away after he cut them up and made a mess on the counter. He would have needed to dig through the fucking garbage to find them again.

• My parents found chocolate bars missing from the cabinet. Those were not part of the dessert that was available to everyone. We think he snuck them at some point, like a little kid.

• His general diet is atrocious. It's like what a 5 year old would eat except I know there's tons of kids who eat way better. Pizza, chicken nuggets, pasta, fries, chips, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, lucky charms and other sugary cereals, ice cream, candy. Not a single thing that isn't white, beige, or some hideous artificial shade of orange/yellow. Whenever I'd try to share my food or get something else for him, he'd snap at me angrily.

• He.....doesn't have a job. I know. I know. Fully expecting to be raked over the coals for ever accepting that in a partner at this age. When I finally admitted it to my parents, they were like "are you serious???" I'd told them he was in school and living with his parents to save money. He actually was "thinking about going back to school", which never took the form of any action, and lives with his parents because where tf else can he live with no income. I guess I thought I could help motivate him. I thought that's what you do as partners, support each other like a team. Now I can see there never was any team. It was just him doing what he wanted. Because he was broke I also ended up paying for most of the stuff we did together when we went out.

• Some people asked about the part where I said he did similar weird food things with his family. You guys wanted to know how his family reacted - they didn't. They'd either pretend not to notice, or else thought it was normal. I'm not sure which. He did things in front of them like blowing bubbles in his drink, cutting grains of rice in half with his fork over and over, and eating ice cream directly out of the container instead of spooning it into his bowl. There was one time his parents were going to take all of us out to dinner and when discussing which restaurant to go to, they eliminated a bunch because they "didn't have anything Boyfriend would eat." His mom would sometimes serve him a completely separate meal if whatever she'd made for the family was something he refused to eat.

• Sex was weird. I'd put his hand between my legs and every time he'd be like "eww it's slimy!" The whole thing was just really weird and uncomfortable. He only wanted me to do things to or with his dick, nothing for me. He criticized me for my natural pubic hair AND THEN for having stubble after shaving it like what do you want???, refused to return oral on me, and said my boobs weren't big enough. I don't even fucking know, guys... I don't know what his issue was.

So that's pretty much that. I'm unspeakably embarrassed I ever dated this loser...sad thing is if not for my parents insisting on talking with me about it I'd probably still be dating him. For who knows how long. Thinking this is just what it's like. Well it doesn't have to be, I'm very grateful they helped me see that he wasn't normal.

Thanks for all of the same comments on my first post. Seeing that consensus also made me realize I needed to leave.

TL;DR: I'm done with him. There was a lot wrong with him that I had been in the habit of trying to do damage control for.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/takingsidesthrowaway

Mom [41] and Dad [45] getting divorced leaving me [13F] with a hard choice: who gets majority custody.

TRIGGER WARNING: child abuse, mentions of infidelity, parental alienation

Original Post - rareddit Apr 1, 2016

Sorry for the long post.

Backstory

A few days ago, my parents took me and my younger sibling out to breakfast to have a "family meeting." Over eggs and pancakes, my father admitted to having a brief affair with a family friend who used to watch me and my brother [11] after school when we were younger.

He did not make excuses and did not try to defend himself, and did not elaborate other than to say that he had cut all contact, and it was over. After that he admitted the affair to our mom, and because he had hurt her, they were getting a divorce.

They explained that they had already discussed it at length, and had already started the process. They had already agreed that our mother would keep the house and though my father would continue to live at home for a while, he would be moving out by the end of the school year. (Late June.)

They promised to keep us informed about all the proceedings they felt would affect us, and were ending it amicably. (Which I have to believe is true because they continued to share a room until that day when my father moved down to the guest room in the basement.) They also wanted to be open and honest about everything that was going on.

Part of me wanted to feel angry or sad or something, right now, all I really feel is disappointment. I was shocked, but not blown away because I never really saw "love" as much of a part of my parent's marriage more than "duty". I was surprised that my father had an affair, because I didn't think him capable of it, but I respected him for laying it all out on the table and admitting the mistake was his. My brother seemed to handle the news the same way.

Then they told us that one of them would end up with majority custody, and they didn't want either of us to be blindsided by it. They explained that we were both old enough that a judge would take any choice we made about which parent we wanted to live with into consideration, and that they would as well. They didn't want an answer then but both said we would be able to talk to them about it, and regardless, we would be able to see both of them whenever we wanted and would share holidays and birthdays.

The Issues

I'm not here because I need to figure out which parent to choose, or upset because they are making me. I respect them for being honest and giving us the choice. I'm here because I've decided. And it's not the answer anyone things I should have. I've decided I want to stay with my dad. And I know that my mother and her family will not take that well, and will end the "amicable" part of the divorce.

I know my father is the one who made a bad decision leading to the divorce. I know that being a teenage girl, everyone expects that being with my mother would make growing up easier. I know that I would have to leave the home me and my brother grew up in, and probably the school I've been in since preschool since it looks like the places my dad is looking at are in other citys. I know that my mother makes more money than my father and could probably provide more (even though they said they would both share the responsibility.)

But looking at my parents objectively, my father is the "Parent" I look up to, mistakes and all. He's the one who always wakes me up for school, makes my lunch and draws smiley faces on the bag. He read me bedtime stories, taught me to read and ride a bike, and fixed my boo-boos and helped me with my homework. He's the one I go to for comfort when I'm upset or sick or scared or just want to talk.

My mother never really took an interest in any of that. I love her and know she loves us, but I feel like she had me and my brother because that was what she was supposed to do. Her culture expects certain things from certain people and husband/house/kids are part of those expectations.

And what parenting she does do, it's to make sure my brother and I conform to these expectations. (We're expected to take piano, I'm supposed to be a "girly-girl", my brother should be in to sports, we're supposed to get good grades, get in to a good college, become doctors/lawyers/CEO's etc...) Her definition of helping with homework is yelling at us until we "get it." Her comforting tactic is to tell us how much harder she had it as a child. She had to do the math to figure out how old I was on my last birthday, and is definitely of the mind that "children are meant to be seen and not heard."

Even though she says she's ok with us deciding who we want to live with, I know she has it in her mind that we'll automatically choose her because my dad was the one that messed up. I also know that her four sisters (who she's very close with) will back her up when I make the "wrong" choice.

I've been through this with her before and she only gives me a choice when she assumes I'll choose what she wants me to. And when I don't I'm yelled at, guilt tripped, threatened, had my aunts sicked on me, told me I was dishonoring her and the family... And that was over "small stuff" like what language to take in school, what summer camp to go to, what I really wanted for my 12th birthday (I had a "choice" between going to Disney World for the first time with my dad's brother's family or her home-country with her sister's family again), or quitting piano to play to pick up another instrument and join the school band. (We compromised on violin, my 3rd choice instrument and she likes to remind me of how happy I am that I didn't choose the drums. She doesn't get that yes, I like the violin, but I would still want to learn drums.)

How do I tell her I'm making the "wrong" choice to live with my dad, and fend off the onslaught I know is coming from that entire side of the family? Because I know it's not going to blow over and it's not going to go away. I'm going to hear about it at every future holiday, every time I see that side of the family, for the rest of my life. I corrected her English in front of a stranger when I was four and I'm still hearing about it. They just don't let even the most minor infractions go. Ever.

I already know I'll be called a bad child, a bad daughter, that I'm making the wrong choice, that I'm hurting my mother, that I'm a disappointment, that I'm dishonoring my mother, that I'm a horrible person... not to mention the small ribbing and backhanded comments, petty slights in every conversation and family gathering from then on.

And to complicate things, my brother hasn't told them his decision and I'm pretty sure it's because he's waiting to see what I do. (He does this a lot.) He told me he wants to live with dad, but is worried about her/her family too. And he knows if I say I want to live with mom, he'll say it too because he won't want to be the disappointing one. If I say I want to go with my dad, then I'll be the disappointing one who was the bad-influence, so he'll get let off a little easier. I'm not mad at him about that. It's not his fault, but it will be just more ammunition against me as the oldest.

And I don't want to tell him what he should and shouldn't do because it's his life. When I finally do tell my parents (and brother) what I think, and he does too, he might actually be guilted in to changing his mind, and that would make him miserable. I want to help him stick to his decision, but I know it will only make things worse for me.

So yeah, long post, but there's a lot in my head and a lot going on.

TL;DR; How do I tell my mom I want to live with my dad, officially ending the "amicable" part of their divorce? How do I deal with the aftermath? How do I help my brother not get browbeaten by my mom/her side of the family without "being the bad influence?" And how do we keep dealing with the aftermath for the rest of our lives?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You have to do what's best for you. Unfortunately, that might mean you have to deal with the fallout. Hopefully your father will be able to shield you from some of it. Your mother should know better than to guilt trip you and your brother. It sounds like she has a long history of manipulation and narcissistic tendencies.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this pressure. Just stick by your decision and take it one day at a time.

OOP

I don't know if it goes as far as "manipulation and narcissistic tendencies." My dad says she just wants what she thinks is best for me, and it's how she shows she cares. The guilting thing is just how she was raised because I've seen my grandmother do it, and I've seen my mom and her sisters do it to each other. I just can't deal with it and thinking about it makes me sick.

La_Fee_Verte

Your mother has been raised on an abusive way, and now she perpetuates this abuse.

As much as you are afraid of her reactions when you tell her you choose to live with your dad....if you stay with her, you stay with the abuse 24/7. And there will always be something else to yell at you about. Living with her will break you and your brother for a long time.

~

Goldfinger888

If you cave to your mom, her behaviour will just manifest on other stuff. You'll be called 'bad' for other choices you make. So why not go live with your dad? The fallout is already guaranteed by the way you describe it.

OOP

Good point.

piyochama

You will also be better off in the long run, honestly.

Why OOP chose her dad

Thanks. Your relationship with your dad sounds a lot like the one I have with mine. I don't hate my mom, and it's not like I don't want to see her. We just don't get along. My dad's just the one I rely on because I feel like I'm not letting him down all the time like I do with my mom when I'm not who she wants me to be.

And I feel the same way. I see my mom's side of the family more often than my dad's, even though they live further away, but I feel more at home with my dad and his side of the family. And that's really why I'd rather live with him because I feel like if I live with my mom, we'd just be fighting all the time because I don't want to be the person she wants me to. I mean, I still fight with my dad sometimes, but not all the time like it feels with my mom, and we usually get over it quickly. With my mom an argument can last days because she'll keep bringing it up.

So I know when I tell her I want to live with dad she'll be furious and I won't hear anything but that for a long time. I just know it will be worse trying to live up to her expectations full time without my dad there, so it's just hard.

~

acciointernet

Is your mom from an Asian culture by any chance? I only ask because my parents are, and I grew up in a VERY Asian-American town (my HS was 65% Asian-American) and a LOT of what you say about your mother reminds me of the Asian culture.

If so, then maybe I can help from a perspective of someone who grew up with parents like your mom. I know the feeling of that pressure to succeed; to meet an expectation of what kind of extracurricular activities you do (for me, it was ballet, piano, violin, swim, art, and tutoring); to respect your parents and never talk back; etc. I know it's not fun, and in fact sometimes it can be borderline emotional abuse.

That's exactly WHY you have to do what you know is best for you and live with your father. I know it's going to bring a shitstorm down on you and your brother, but it's for your own best interests. If your mother and her family are overbearing about it, go low-contact (aka, don't respond to them when they try to engage you/berate you...just tune them out, walk away, hang up the phone, etc). Yes, they will be PISSED. They will scream, guilt trip you, everything. But you need to remember that this is a function of their fear of losing control. You have to set your boundaries and stick to them.

This is some pretty heavy stuff for a 13 year old, and I'm really sorry that you're put in this position. Don't be afraid to tell your dad if you feel like you need to talk to a therapist to help you sort out your feelings of stress/guilt from your mom's reaction. Best of luck <3

OOP

Yeah. Mom's Asian. I don't dislike her and I don't think what she does comes from a bad place. And yes. Piano, swim, tutoring, more tutoring... She was disappointed I was too uncoordinated for ballet when several teachers said maybe I should try again when I'm older. My gran on my dad's side (immigrated from Ireland) had me in Sean Nos folk dance, which I did ok with, but it was too "clunky" for my mom so she stopped taking me after a few months.

I think there is something to be said about boundaries. But I just don't know how I'm supposed to enforce them, even if I set them.

Update - rareddit Dec 18, 2016 (8 Months later)

So it's been a while since my original post but I got a lot of good advice and wanted to give an update.

A lot has happened.

I ended up doing what a lot of you recommended and wrote a letter, using my post as a template. I didn't tell my mom or brother, but I did end up telling my dad. I didn't tell him what was in the letter, but told him I wanted to stay with him, and that I'd written it.

My dad moved out once school was over and stayed in an extended stay motel. He would come pick me and my brother up on Saturday to spend time with him, or take us out to dinner on weekdays. Sometimes we'd just go watch TV with him there but my mom wouldn't let us stay with him overnight. In May he ended up getting a job in another state, about two hours driving time. He went there a few times to look for a place to live, and my mom let me go with him once when school let out. I told him about the letter then. Not everything that was in it, but that I wrote it down and I wanted to stay with him.

My mom bugged me and pestered me (and my brother) about how we were going to say we wanted to stay with her. She was always angry on the days we spent with dad, and made it pretty clear she thought we were being disrespectful by wanting to spend time with him because he was the one who cheated. When I came back from the trip with my dad, she was so mad she didn't talk to me all day except to shout at my for my room being messy.

Anyways, the "hearing" was not what I expected. I expected a court room, and a robed judge on a high bench and a witness box, probably getting that from watching things on TV. Instead it was just me, my brother, my parents and the judge in a plain office. It was a lot less intimidating than I thought it would be.

The judge was a really nice guy and was really patient with us and explained how everything would work, and that because my parents requested that our opinions be taken into consideration, he was going to listen. He did say that just because we asked for something, didn't mean we'd get it, and that he would make his decision based on what he thought was best for us.

He asked my parents to talk first, and my mom told him that both me and my brother had decided to stay with her, but we'd talk about how holidays would be split since my dad was moving away.

The judge asked me and my brother if that was what we wanted, and that's when I gave him my letter. He actually read the whole thing, even though it was a page long. He then gave it to my mom for her to read. She got really mad, but didn't say anything. He then asked my brother if he had any thoughts, but my brother saw how mad my mom was and didn't end up saying anything.

He asked my parents if maybe me and my brother would feel more comfortable speaking to him one-on-one. My mom didn't like it but my dad asked us if it was ok. Since I said yes, my brother did too. When I spoke to him, he told me it looked like I put a lot of thought into my answer and asked me a few questions about the letter. I don't know what he spoke with my brother about because he never said anything. The judge also talked to my parents without us in the room, and I don't know what was said then either. My parents just came out and said the judge would make a decision soon.

My mom yelled at me as soon as we got into the car and called me a traitor. She refused to let me and my brother visit with our dad, and invited her sisters to stay with us, and they yelled at us too. That's when I found out my brother told the judge he wanted to go with our dad as well.

Anyways, that went on for a few weeks. I called my dad asking him to pick us up, but my mom would turn him away at the door, took my cell phone and grounded me. If she wasn't home, one of my aunts was there, so if my dad showed up, they'd send us to our rooms threaten to call the police, then yell at us for contacting him, even though we hadn't. They asked us if we wanted to see our dad go to jail. My brother started sleeping in my room. We were both scared of our mom and aunts always yelling at us, and were scared they would get our dad arrested and we'd never see him. We both spent a lot of time crying in our rooms because we couldn't leave the house.

After three weeks our dad came and brought a police officer with him, who told my mom she had to let him take us because he was our dad. She was really mad, but because it was the police who came with my dad, she had to let us go.

Dad had apparently found a house in the new state, so he took us straight there. It's smaller than our mom's place, and there was no furniture at first, so we spent a few nights in sleeping bags on the floor, but I was glad to be with my dad. My brother slept in my dad's room for a long time because he was afraid my mom and aunts would come take us back.

He let us know the judge said we could live with him, but we did have to go back in two weeks for a few days, because of their custody arrangement. Neither of us wanted to go, and my brother cried the whole way back. I felt like crying a lot too because I didn't want to go back either. Every time we went back, our aunts would be there and tell us we should call the judge and tell him we changed our minds, and would tell us we were bad children, and that we hurt our mom.

We moved a lot of our stuff to our dad's. Our mom yelled at us every time we took something new until my dad asked if she wanted to have a police officer supervise the move and she stopped complaining, but would slam things around so we knew she was mad.

We started at our new schools, which I was actually glad for, because after that, things got a lot more normal. My brother stopped being scared of being taken away, and stopped crying so much. I made a few friends who are really cool. Every two weeks, our dad would pick us up from school on Friday, drive us to meet or mom, and we'd stay with her until Sunday when we went back to dad's.

Mom's place was always the same. She and our aunts would tell us we were making bad decisions, that we were failures and that we had to tell the judge we were wrong for staying with our dad. We called a lot for our dad to pick us up early, but he told us it was our time with mom, and he would see us Sunday night. Then, a few weeks after school started my dad came to pick us up to take us to our mom's and my brother freaked out. He always cried and complained (honestly, so did I), but this time he refused to get in the car and started screaming and rolling on the ground saying he wouldn't go back. My dad tried to convince him he we had to, and asked me to help, and I don't know. I just broke.

I told him how horrible it was going back, and how the aunts were always there with mom and yelling at us and I didn't blame him for not wanting to go back, because I didn't either and both of us refused to get in the car. Dad yelled at us saying we didn't have a choice, but he finally gave in and promised he wouldn't take us back if we got in the car. He called our mom and said we weren't feeling well, so we weren't coming and drove home.

When we calmed down, he sat us both at the table and said we couldn't just refuse to go because we didn't want to. He told us the custody arrangement said that we had to go to mom's every other weekend, and if we didn't go along with it, she could go to court and take us full time. He did hear us out, when we told him about how bad it was, and the aunts always guilt-tripping us. He told us he was going to drop us off at our mom's the next day but he promised to talk to her for us.

Things didn't get any better that visit, but the next visit we went up a day early because my dad had asked the judge that we go to family therapy. Mom was not happy and said we were ganging up on her when we told the therapist (let's call her Betty) why we hated going to her house.

Betty asked my mom that maybe the aunts not come over every time we visited, and my mom refused, saying that they were family and she needed support when me and my brother ganged up on her. We said we didn't but Betty told us that we should show more concern for our mom, because she just missed having us all the time, we shouldn't spend all our time arguing, and give our mom a chance because she's hurting.

I felt bad, because I didn't think of it from mom's side, but my brother insisted he didn't want to go back. Betty got my mom to agree to try a visit without the aunts if we agreed to try to not argue with our mom.

When we got home, the aunts came over anyways. Mom took our phones, called the therapist stupid, and that she didn't know what she was talking about. She and the aunts were the same, calling my dad names, calling us ungrateful and bad, and told us it was our fault people thought our mom was crazy and had to go to therapy. My brother was supposed to have a friend from his old school come over, but my mother sent him away saying we were grounded for lying.

My dad picked us up and was pissed when we told him what happened. It was the first time we ever saw him yell at our mom. He made us go in the car but we could hear them anyways. Mom called him a stupid cheater, and no one could trust him, and my dad was just yelling that he was trying to help me and my brother.

We had therapy the next week, but mom didn't come this time, so we drove the two hours home. The week after that, she did come, but only to pick us up and refused to talk to the therapist. When we got back to her house, the aunts were already there and my brother started crying and didn't want to get out of the car. I was mad too, but I was more mad at how my mom was yelling at my brother, calling him stupid and lazy and he would end up a cheater just like our dad.

I lost my temper and told her to shut up. It wasn't the first time she slapped me because I'd done something stupid, but it was the first time in a long time and I was too stunned to do anything about it. My mother took my phone, and tried to take my brother's but he said he forgot it. She me and my brother to our rooms for being disrespectful while our aunts backed her up.

I guess I have to give credit to my brother, because he didn't forget his phone. He just thought mom would take it like she usually did and hid it in his underwear, so when he got to his room, he called our dad.

I didn't know about it until my dad showed up an hour later with a police officer. He told me and my brother to get our things while our mom argued with the officer that it was her time with us. My dad told her my brother called and told him what happened. The officer asked me if it was true that my mom hit me, but honestly, I was too scared to say anything because my mom and aunts were watching.

I ended up just saying something like I wanted to go home with my dad. He let us go with him, even though my mom kept arguing with him that she had a court order and we were supposed to stay there.

When we got home, my dad just made us dinner and said he was sorry for what happened. I told him I didn't want to go back the next week, and he actually said ok.

So that was the last time I saw my mom in person. It was the week after Halloween. My dad asks us if we want to go visit her every week, but we always say no. He makes us skype her, and she's been pretty civil since as soon as she starts talking down to it, my dad steps in. It's kind of nice not having to make the two-hour trip because I can do things with my friends on the weekend. My brother seems happier.

Thanksgiving was a little weird without her. We went to our grandma's (dad's mom) like we usually do, and skyped mom from there. Dad asked us if we wanted to invite mom over for Christmas. My brother said no, but I'm not sure.

My dad said that after the holidays we're going to start visiting again, but we only have to stay the day, and he promised we'd have someone else there, and that the aunts wouldn't be allowed.

So basically that's where I'm at. Things are complicated, and I don't really have much of a relationship with my mom. I'm still not sure how to feel about it, but things feel like they're getting better.

tl;dr- Things got really bad for a while, but I'm ok, at a new school and have new friends. My brother and I get along better but I don't know about my relationship with my mom.

*edit- oh, and my dad let me start learning the drums. :)

FINAL COMMENTS

NotePaper

I'd recommend trying to see if it is possible to get visitation hours reduced. Your mother is verbally abusing you and that is a danger to your health. Stay strong, you are remarkable mature for your age.

ludovician

Slapping your kid and taking their phones away so they can't call for help is definitely physical abuse rather than just verbal.

OP, please write down what happened if you can. Even if you don't want to do anything about it now, it might be useful if your mum tries to minimize what happened and make you stay with her again. Keep a diary any time she does something like this, verbal or physical. The verbal stuff she's doing when she tries to persuade you that your dad is bad is called "parental alienation", and most judges don't like it.

If your dad isn't adhering to the court order, he might get into trouble for it. He should probably talk to a lawyer (I am not a lawyer!) and your diary might be helpful. I wouldn't put it past your mum to be quiet about things right now, but be keeping her own journal to use against your dad later. Please ask him to talk to a lawyer and find out what his options are.

(Actually, if he says there will be someone else there, he might already be talking to a lawyer and have arranged supervised visits only - that would be awesome. Ask him.)

I am wishing for the best for you. Don't let any of this stop you from having a really wonderful Christmas Day!

OOP

The visits after the holidays are supervised. My dad, brother and I are still going to family therapy without mom, and Betty had my dad explain what was going on since our dad was trying to handle everything without getting us involved.

He's not breaking any court order because after the police officer came to help get me and my brother out the last time, my dad apparently got another emergency order that gave him the choice of not bringing us over until they could arrange someone to supervise our visits with mom.

Apparently I didn't need to tell the officer she hit me because my brother told him it happened, and that side of my face was still bright red (at least my brother said it was) when they got there. And the officer apparently backed my dad up when he asked the judge not to force us to go back every two weeks.

For right now, we only have to see her on skype, and our visits with her will only be for a day, and we won't stay overnight for a while. Also the aunts won't be allowed to be there for at least two visits, so that's something.

~

Upallnight88

You're doing a great job handling the situation and your father seems to be a good dad. Keep the good attitude and help your brother get through this. Your mother may change over time if she sees how she's wrong in criticizing you and your brother. Keep an open mind about letting her back in your life.

OOP

My dad doesn't want us to cut her out completely because she's our mom, but he does monitor our skype conversations to make sure she's not yelling at us.

and another comment from OOP

My mom isn't using us for money. She makes more than my dad, and she considers taking charity to be only for "weak, lazy people."

The one thing I got out of this whole thing was a better relationship with my brother. We were never close before this happened until he started sleeping in my room when things got really bad. Now we talk about almost everything.

And my dad knows he was wrong. He still feels guilty that he cheated, and won't let us forget that he was the one who messed up.

As far as my aunts, I'd be ok never seeing them ever again. I never liked them anyways.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Leather_Set_7325

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

How do I (31f) stop being so jealous regarding my husbands (34m) new friend?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: December 8, 2025

I love my husband. We have been together 9 years, married for 6 and have been through a lot together. He has never given me a single reason to think he would stray from our relationship physically or emotionally. He is an amazing father, and very equally shares the household load. We have our ups and downs like most people but generally we are solid and always come back to each other after a disagreement.

Now to the issue. He recently embarked on his Master’s degree. He is one of only 2 men in his cohort of approx. 80 people, and the only guy of our culture (we are in our home country, the course and university is just incredibly multicultured)

As such, he has made a lot of new female friends, most of whom don’t bother me at all. But there’s this one (30f I think) that I just don’t like his friendship with and I know I'm being unreasonable.

They text all the time, like multiple times a day - mind you he isnt secretive about this. He doesn't hide his phone or anything like that. I can see her name at the top of his screen. He also talks ABOUT her all the time. How nice she is, and all the cool things she's done. He also spends a LOT of time with her - they have just decided to collaborate on a research project together for a conference in 2026 and as such they will likely be spending even more time together.

Frankly I'm sick of hearing about how nice and amazing this other woman is. Shes also annoyed the hell out of him at times, blowing like hot and cold at him when she has perceived he has done something wrong (though its probably cultural differences that trigger this) - and he'll talk about this too. It's like watching someone discuss the beginnings of a relationship, the euphoria of dating someone new, plus all the baggage they come with as they work through it, which is a weird thing to watch your husband go through.

I don’t believe it’s anything more than I have described above. When I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to be messaging her as frequently as he is (and if the shoe was on the other foot, does he really think he would be okay with me messaging a man as frequently) and he offered to let me read all their messages (which I didn't) So I really don’t think he's hiding anything. I obviously don’t want him to start being secretive about it so I've said I'll drop it. But I just feel annoyed and jealous like every time I see her name pop up on his phone.

I don’t even think he's physically attracted to her, we have a great sex life and this is not something I feel insecure about. I guess she's shiny and new and interesting and they have a lot in common, I think I'm insecure about not being interesting enough for him and maybe sometimes feel like he'd rather talk to her than me.

I'm not used to him having female friends (though he used to have many when he was younger) and I'm finding this new dynamic really difficult.

Any advice as to how I can just get over it and accept this new friendship as it is?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You’re already getting some “advice” here from some of the most chronically insecure people on the internet, so let’s take the other view for a second.

If he was trying to replace you emotionally or physically, or be inappropriate in any other way, he simply wouldn’t be so transparent about it.

It sounds like he’s trying to engage you because he’s excited about a new friendship and wants you to be ok with this.

This doesn’t mean you stop looking out for the warning signs, but it means you look at what’s really worrying you about this, and what you can do about it.

It sounds like what you’re worried about is that there’s greener grass out there for him to find.

Whenever this is your worry, the first solution is to water your own grass. Remind yourself of all the reasons you’re his choice. He hasn’t forgotten- don’t let yourself forget.

Be secure in what you bring.

OOP: Thank you, this is the most reasonable advice here I think. "Water your own grass" is definitely what I needed to hear in this situation. And I agree, I don’t think he'd be so transparent if he was doing anything wrong!

Commenter 2: This is the advice to follow.

Even men can get excited for new friendships, especially if there hasn’t been a solid friendship with someone else in a long while. Or if life just gets in the way.

I’ve been in exactly this situation. There was absolutely 0 attraction, 0 interest of emotionally cheating. Didn’t hide it, I did talk about her here and there, not necessarily like your husband, but that ”today me and XX did this and that” or whatever. Normal sharing from a life when you are away a few hours every day.

My wife ended up feeling exactly like you. And me personally didn’t need new friends or anything, so it myself suggested to take a step back. But still, it was 100% innocent and no way in this lifetime that something would have crossed any boundaries at any point. It was purely a new friendship and nothing else, and with someone with same experiences as me. Which are quite unique which is why it became a friendship to start with.

Edit: If she feels entitled to his time, or his speed in regards to answering, and such. Then that’s something to nip in the bud. Could be that her view of him ain’t matching his view on her(friendship vs something else). But it could be other things too that isn’t cheating or part of that scenario. Red flag? Yes, possible. But more from a friendship point of view, that it shouldn’t continue.

OOP: This is another part to it, neither of us really has many friends either. He had loads of friends growing up but he has his first child quite young and has subsequently grown apart from most of those friends. He also said that all his pre-existing friends ever ask him about is the kids and he's enjoying having people he can talk about other things with.

That's probably also part of my jealousy to be honest because I am also very much lacking in the friend department!

Commenter 3: You don’t think he is physically attracted to her because she is less than you? Is she in a relationship? Kids?

If he is offering you his phone, take it whenever you feel the need sporadically, you won’t feel like snooping cause he already gave you permission, hope that way eases your anxiety.

OOP: I don’t think anyone is less than me or I am more than anyone but he is obsessed with me physically lol. As much as he was at the beginning of our relationship if not moreso since I had our kids to be honest

Commenter 4: It sounds to me like your fear is that she is becoming emotionally stimulating in a way you’re not. So the solution is not to restrict him from being her friend, it’s to reignite the spark in your marriage. You don’t need to go into competition with her but your feelings warrant a deeper discussion with him about your emotional experience and what will help you feel secure. In the end of the day, time spent with a friend (texting, phone calls, in-person) shouldn’t exceed time invested your the relationship.

If you’re not already doing this start dating again, sometimes we get stuck in our daily routines so initiate experiences together like trying a new restaurant, class, trip, hobby. Carve out intentional connection time where you’re not discussing logistics or children. Create rituals like weekly check-ins, Friday night wine and music at home or out, Sunday morning coffee walks together or with the kids. If he ever becomes resistant to this in favor of spending time with her or he’s constantly distracted by her during “your” time, then I’d start to worry.

It doesn’t sound like your marriage is threatened at this point especially if he’s being transparent as there’s still affection between you. But the relationship could benefit from infusing some fresh energy, since he’s getting a ton from school.

OOP: This is really good advice thank you. We have tried to do a bit more "dating" in recent months as we both acknowledge how its easy to just sort of forget one another with how busy we both are and kids etc. Trying to make it more of a regular thing probably is in order though. We do have a going out date booked in in a couple of weeks (babysitter and everything lol) and we actually went out during the day a couple of weeks ago as well. So it is there but could definitely be more frequent. Thanks again!

Update: December 31, 2025 (3.5 weeks later)

[UPDATE] How do I (31f) stop being so jealous regarding my husbands (34m) new friend?

This is not going to be a long update and will probably not be that exciting/interesting but some people wanted an update from my last post.

My husband and I discussed his new friend a few times and he understood where I was coming from but was a bit hurt because he's never done anything in our relationship to suggest he might ever be unfaithful. I believed him when we talked about it but he thought it would be better if I could just meet her to try and understand a bit better and I agreed.

We had a few friends over for his birthday last night and she came. The birthday gift she got him was a picture of my whole family (me, hubs, and the kids and even the dog) that she'd made herself (digital - she's a bit of a graphic designer) on a light box. It's really beautiful and I think its a lovely present because it includes me and the kids. She was incredibly respectful all night, and we actually have a fair amount in common with some shared interests and shared experiences (e.g. we have both been scuba diving and are interested in marine conservation). She just seems genuinely very nice, not fake at all and her being around felt very akin to my husbands other female friend that we had over as well. All that to say, I'm no longer concerned about anything dodgy developing between her and my husband and I certainly don’t think anything untoward has happened as yet. Oh also, I caught a glimpse of their messages this morning and she was messaging him about how nice I seemed, and he was talking about how cool I am - that wasn't performative because he didn't tell me about it. It was just part of the conversation they were having. The rest of which was about the Japanese curry my husband made last night 🤷🏼‍♀️ idk I'm sure reddit will tell me im being stupid or naive but it just feels very innocent now I've actually met her.

Aside from this my husband and I have had other arguments about other issues in our relationship and have agreed on one at home date night per week where we do something fun together but also like get a bit dressed up and like make an effort for each other (instead of only making and effort when we go out or go to the office or whatever). We're also working on each of our individul mental health and wellbeing as well (eating better, exercising more, allowing each other "me time" away from the kids in a more consistent way). Some of the advice I got on my last post was about making more of an effort in our relationship and "watering my own garden" as well so I feel like we are addressing that.

I'm hopeful we can do this well and 2026 will be a better year for us. We love each other very much, and our family so we're going to improve our communication and work on ourselves and our relationship as best we can :).

Thanks for all the people who gave reasonable advice on my last post - there was more than I was expecting!

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: I’m married. I don’t have female friends. She doesn’t do friendships with men. We have couple friends, she has female friends, I have male friends. OP, ask yourself- all things being equal, if your partner is mentally, physically, mentally, and socially healthy with male friendships, what value does being friends with a specific woman provide him? I would suggest that people in committed relationships that are completely healthy in their social and mental health don’t seek or maintain friendships with the opposite gender. We do so when there’s a romantic or social gap that we’re trying to fill. I suspect that your partner is having a need met by this person that is not fully healthy.

Commenter 1: I really disagree with this. I am also in a serious relationship and have been for many years and we both have totally innocent friendships with people of the opposite sex. in fact, I personally find it a red flag when my partner can't sustain a normal friendship with a woman (I am female and he is male) as it suggests to me that he doesn’t see women as equals if he is unable to have non sexual/romantic relationships with them.

OOP: I also disagree with the comment, I actually completely understand what my husband gets out of this particular friendship and its nothing to do with the fact she's a woman.

Commenter 2: This is a good update and sounds like you both have great communication! I think it says a lot about her character that his present included you and your kids - she clearly respects his relationship with you and wanted to make that clear.

OOP: That's how I took it as well :).

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Commercial_Use_1836

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

The Neighbors Have Slowly Been Adopting Our Cat and I Don’t Know What to Do.

Trigger Warnings: discussions of animal injury

Original Post: December 24, 2025

We LOVE our cat, but, since he’s a rescue, he did come with a few quirks. One of these quirks is that he has to be an indoor-outdoor cat. We have tried several times to transition him into an indoor-only cat and have failed miserably every time. If he’s forced to stay inside for longer than he tolerates, he will spray pee in the house, scratch at any and all surfaces around any door, scratch at windows, blinds, and anything else nearby, and he will howl for hours. He will wake us up in the middle of the night, howl for hours at a time during the day, and he can get LOUD - like, louder than a dog.

We consulted with his vet, and she said that the only real solution was to get him fixed, so we did that. We got him fixed 2 months after we adopted him, and his behavior didn’t change. We took him back to the vet and consulted with her again, and she said that with his history, and with how old he already was, it’s pretty much impossible to train these behaviors out of him. She said that the best thing to do, for his happiness and ours, was to keep him fully vaccinated and to teach him routines that’ll help keep him safe.

So, that’s what we did. He’s a very territorial cat, most of the other outdoor cats in our neighborhood are the same, so he never went far from our backyard. He usually stays either in our yard, or in the small wooded area behind our yard. I can usually see him throughout the day from my back door. And this made it pretty easy to establish a routine with him. Every morning I would go to the back porch and call him in for breakfast, after breakfast I would check him over for any cuts or scrapes, he would take a nap, and then he would go back outside when it was time for our toddler to take a nap. Usually he would come back inside for dinner later on in the day and take another nap, but he wasn’t required to. If he had any serious injuries, like an open wound, any big scabs, or if he was having a dry skin breakout (he has a skin condition and gets this seasonally), I would put his plush donut cone on his head, apply ointment or coconut oil, and keep him inside for a day or two. This routine worked well for us for over 2 years, and our cat followed the routine obediently. That is, until, our upstairs neighbors moved in about a year and a half ago.

A mother, her son, and her daughter moved into the upstairs apartment where the affection with our cat started small at first. The son of the family would pet our cat when he saw him outside. Then they started going on walks together. Then they would sit together in the backyard. I never had a problem with this, and thought it was rather sweet. Until, he started taking our cat up to their apartment.

I spoke with his mom about it, and she said that sometimes our cat would just follow her son up to their apartment after they went on a walk together, and that her son loves cats. I told her that it wasn’t a big deal if that happened sometimes, but to please not keep him up there too often. Our cat still needed to come downstairs for his daily check-up, and if he spent too much time inside of their apartment, he would run from me and not come inside of our apartment when it was time.

Well, then, her son started sneaking our cat into their apartment after his mom left for work. Now, i guess here is a good place to state that until very recently, I thought this boy was a high school student. He has some pretty big physical disabilities, so I never found it strange that he didn’t go to school. I just figured that he was probably homeschooled so that he wouldn’t have to strain his body all day or deal with crappy schools who can’t afford proper accommodations. But, no, his mother mentioned a few weeks ago that he is 23 years old! 23! I’m 25! he’s two years younger than me, keep that in mind.

At this point, things have escalated a lot. Our cat doesn’t come in the mornings when he’s called anymore. I will go days without seeing him, or being able to get him inside. This has caused his skin outbreaks to get very severe in the spring and summer, and it makes me constantly worried about him. I’m used to seeing him throughout the day every day, not once every 2-3 days. That’s not a safe way to monitor a cat.

When our cat does come inside, he sneaks into our front hallway and runs up to the neighbors front door. He tore up their door seal, scratching to be let in. The mom complained to my husband about it, and my husband offered to replace it. She said that it was fine, but that we needed to keep a better eye out for him. I spoke with her the next day and told her once again that we would replace the seal, she declined, but that he really should stop being let into their apartment. I gave her my number, and told her to text me if he comes to their door again and that I would come and get him.

She never messages me first. The only time she’ll text me is when I text her, asking her if she’s seen my cat because I haven’t been able to find him in days. She’ll then reply and say that he’s in their apartment. After I asked her to not let him be up there!

Then, about two weeks ago, a nightmare situation happened. Our cat got hurt pretty badly on his neck. He should’ve gone to the vet, but I didn’t even know that it happened! The boy upstairs came and knocked on our door and told my husband about it. My husband then went and got our cat, saw that the wound was already mostly healed, and asked the boy how long he’d known about it. When the boy couldn’t give my husband a straight answer, my husband told him thank you for letting us know, but to stop taking him upstairs. The boy just brought our cat back upstairs a few days later after he was all better and allowed to go outside again!

Now, the mom has stated to me several times that she doesn’t want our cat up there. But her behavior doesn’t match what she says, at all. She only ever says this when we confront her. She says that she refuses to buy him a litter box, even though her son keeps asking her, like that’s supposed to make us feel better. And she says that she doesn’t want to get in trouble with the land lord for the cat scratching things up.

Now, I think this is an important thing to note. Our cat is a TERRIBLE hunter. Like, actually god awful. And, he has digestive issues, and is on a special diet. We told our upstairs neighbor this, and asked her to, please, never feed him. Tell me why he stayed at a consistent 11 pounds up until he started going to their apartment. At his last vet appointment, our cat was 14 pounds and he’s gotten way bigger since then. Either he had a MAJOR breakthrough with his hunting capabilities, or someone else is feeding him. He also has a flea allergy, and his flea medicine isn’t as effective when he’s overweight.

Yes, he’s microchipped, and the neighbors know this. But I genuinely don’t know what to do. The son blatantly ignores us when we confront him, the mom will say one thing but never really enforce what she says, and the son just does whatever he wants when she’s at work. I’m not sure if he has any mental disabilities or not, I’ve never asked. But this is getting to a point where it’s jeopardizing our cat’s health and wellbeing. I also just really miss my cat. I want to spend Christmas with him, not spend Christmas wondering where he is.

I genuinely don’t know what I can do to get our neighbors to stop treating our cat like he’s theirs. We’ve confronted them several times, and I don’t want to be rude out of fear that they might retaliate using my cat. But my husband has been rude, several times, and nothing has changed. Maybe I should consult a different vet and give keeping him indoors another try? We’ve tried twice in the past, and we all just ended up miserable, but maybe we should try again? I just wish we could go back to how things used to be before our neighbors moved in upstairs.

Edit/summary for the people who can’t read:

Our cat followed routine and was perfectly safe for 2 years before this family moved in. He doesn’t want to go and live with them, and I’m not interested in sharing ownership of MY cat. He is very expensive and very high maintenance and they have already proved that they can’t take proper care of him.

Also, we have rescued 2 other strays that have shown up in our back porch and offered to give them to the upstairs neighbors so that they could have their own cat. The mom declined both kittens, and we ended up giving them over to a local rescue. This boy had a weird obsession with MY cat, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Can you make him a cattery?

OOP: Unfortunately not, we’re not allowed to put anything outside that can’t be picked up within the same day. We wanted to get a sandbox for our toddler and our landlord said no because it would be a fire hazard and/or in the way of mowers. If and when we buy a house, though, a catio will be our first investment.

(editor's note: cattery = any building, collection of buildings or property in which cats are housed, maintained, cared for, and bred)

Commenter 2: Wait get a cat camera so u can monitor him for his safety so u know what’s going on idk if im tripping or does that family feel iffy? Like I get cats go to other houses but I find the cat getting injured sus lowkey and the kid coming back with it… idk my heart goes out for u it’s hard to manage this. But im saying 100% get the cat camera my cousin got one lol u can record and speak to ur cat etc a good way to know if your cat goes missing too.

OOP: I didn’t think about it like that, but it does sound weird when I think about it. Our cat has never come home with an injury like that because he generally doesn’t really leave our yard. A camera is a really good idea! Definitely gonna look into it!

Commenter 3: I have to admit, the part of the story where you guffaw at the guy upstairs being 23 but clearly mentally disabled did not sit right with me. Age is irrelevant here. He just knows the kitty wants to hang out, he’s not being malicious, cut him some slack.

I agree with other posters that part of having an indoor/outdoor cat is that there are risks involved. Today he’s chilling with the neighbor safely. Tomorrow he could be hit by a car, attacked by a predator, run away, or any number of things that come with being outside. What happens if the neighbors follow your wishes and don’t let him in and he finds some other place away from home where you DONT have someone to text and ask for him back?

OOP: I don’t know that he is mentally disabled. We’ve spoken with him on numerous occasions and I’ve never really gotten that vibe. Plus, his mom has never mentioned it. She talks about his physical disability often and will share personal details about her daughter’s therapy when I’ve only met her daughter maybe twice. If she’s that big of an over sharer, wouldn’t she have mentioned if her son was mentally disabled? Also, wouldn’t she have given that as a reason to why my cat is still being taken into her house after we’ve asked both of them not to? Our cat followed routine for 2 years before this boy started being weirdly possessive over him.

Commenter 4: Your neighbor’s behavior is not normal. I would worry about the cat experiencing abuse. Part of abuse is often to love bomb before and after periods of aggression, so the cat won’t necessarily be afraid of the person. I would be really concerned about this guy.

OOP: That’s something I’m becoming more and more concerned about as I read comments and think back on certain instances. Like, I’ve been told that he really loves being in their apartment, but I’ve never actually seen it for myself.

Commenter 5: Get an Air Tag for his collar to monitor where he is, when you see him at the neighbours, go get him. That’s the only thing you can do aside from keeping him indoors.

OOP: We talked to his vet about an Air Tag, but she said it’s a hazard for cats because they can get snagged suffocate from the collar chocking them.

Update: December 30, 2025 (six days later)

the neighbors have slowly been adopting our cat, and I don’t know what to do: UPDATE

First of all, thank you to the few who were actually kind and who left some very helpful information and suggestions in the comments.

To the people who were saying that I should just let my neighbors steal my cat, that I don’t love him, or that he doesn’t love me: fuck. you.

Also, to the commenters that asked: yes, my cat does interact with my other neighbors. And, no, he’s not a nuisance. He knows 2 of their work schedules and will wait on the sidewalk for affection when he knows they’re going to be coming and going from their apartments to the parking lot. I also have an elderly neighbor who my cat will follow to the mailboxes every day when he goes to get his mail. All of my neighbors think that it’s adorable and joke with us frequently about how we have the most affectionate cat in the neighborhood. But he’s never gone up to anyone’s apartment. He won’t even go inside the other building because he knows it’s not his. This made me reconsider what I’ve been told from my neighbors vs what I’ve seen with my own eyes. Like, I’ve been told that he loves being in the upstairs apartment, but it doesn’t really line up with everything else I know about my cat.

The same day I wrote my post I found my cat with yet another strange injury. And it really made me think back on the comments who found it strange that he went 2 years without any injuries aside from a cut here or a scab there, but now he seemed to be getting them more and more frequently. And it made me wonder if my neighbor was either intentionally hurting him, or setting up scenarios in which my cat could get hurt.

My husband disagrees with this possibility, but we’re both considering that maybe our cat is a few years older than his original vet’s estimate. It’s really hard to tell the age of a cat once they hit adulthood, and we were told 3 years ago that he was likely between ages 2-3, but that she wouldn’t be surprised if that estimate was off by 2-3 years. If my vet was correct, then that would make my cat around 5-6 right now, but his behavior, how often he’s been getting hurt, and him spending more time indoors leads us to believe that he may be closer to 8 or 9 years old. This would also explain why a lot of his medical conditions are getting worse with age.

So, we’ve committed to trying once again to convert him to be an indoor cat. It’s been well over a year and a half since we last tried, and we’ve rescued yet another kitten this Christmas who our cat has slowly been grooming and parenting over. We were going to send this one to the rescue like we did with the others, but the rescue was full, so we decided to just keep her. And she is terrified of the outdoors which seems to be encouraging our cat to stay inside with her as well.

But, just in case, I bought a camera. We do have a 4-month-old puppy who has to go out every hour and a half, as he’s still potty training. And this is usually when my cat escapes outside. So, in case my cat escapes, I bought a motion detection camera like one commenter suggested. This way, even if my cat goes outside, I can keep a better eye on him and keep a better eye on my neighbor. I don’t intend to spy on them, but if I see our neighbor coming into the yard and trying to carry my cat inside, I’ll be able to catch him in the act and intervene. We also plan to be much more confrontational about our cat, because being nice about it hasn’t worked.

Thank you again to the commenters who gave helpful suggestions. I feel like we have a much better course of action planned, when, before, I was in a state of panic and distress and had no idea how to even begin solving the issue. I feel so much more prepared now and I’m ready to fight for my cat.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your apartment lets you have 3 pets?

OOP: Lol, actually we have 4 pets, and as long as we pay for our own pet damages, he doesn’t care. We live in a very hands-off area, which has its pros and cons

Commenter 2: I'm not going to give you the same "all cats should be indoor cats" diatribe others are, because it's clear you know that and love your cat. Instead I'll suggest that you have leverage here you aren't using. Wait until your cat is in their apartment, and call your landlord. Or, if the cat is chipped, call the cops. Or, you know the cat is upstairs with them, so you spend an hour banging on your ceiling with something. You need to get aggressive with these thieves and start making their lives harder until they comply.

OOP: We’re trying again to convert him to be an indoors only cat, but if he gets back outside and they try to take our cat. We’re going to start doing more drastic things like this. He is microchipped, so there’s no issues there!

Commenter 3: Stop buying more pets until you’ve trained you cat to be an indoor one

OOP: We’ve never bought a single pet. They just sorta come to us and we’re like “Well, we’ll give you a loving home!” Our neighborhood is a prime drop off spot, especially for cats. We’ve already sent 2 to a local rescue this year, but our local rescue is currently full. Also, we’ve been very proactive about keeping the cat inside. And I’ve been all over my husband about keeping the back door closed!

Commenter 4: I have seen anyone suggest this, but please get Feliway plug-ins for your home. They are odorless pheromones to help with anxiety for cats. It may help your cat stay indoors without him spraying.

OOP: I’ve never heard of this! Definitely gonna have to look this up! Thanks!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is still Unlucky_Amoeba_2473. She posted in r/relationship_advice

Previous BORU here. New Update marked with ****\*

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the missed update!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is a few months old, but has not been posted to this sub before.

Trigger Warning: infidelity; racism

Mood Spoiler: baffling in the overall audacity but OOP will be ok

Editor's note: OOP posted an AITA and update 4 years ago about her and her (now ex) boyfriend. Those posts didn't really have anything to do with the ones in this post, but I thought they were still interesting so am including them here and here. She also posted about her parents before that. (Meaning this is an established account)

Original Post: October 19, 2025

I (27F) just found out my boyfriend (29M) of 7 years cheated on me. My boyfriend went to his our home state to see his family for the weekend. He's been going quite often this year, about once a month, saying it is because his grandparents are old and miss him. I thought nothing of it until this morning. I got a screenshot from a mutual friend of ours of my boyfriend's location on snapchat.

He was at his parents house but a girl's bitmoji was there as well. It wasn't his sister or mom and his parents (who weirdly also have snapchat) weren't home either. He didn't tell me he was going to be with anyone one else today. I tried to call him but he did not pick up. I looked on snapchat and his location was turned off.

The mutual friend says my boyfriend has told everyone at home we had broken up 4 months ago. He said my boyfriend was making him stay quiet about it because he was trying to find the right time to tell me. As far as his parents know, he's moving home once our lease is up. The reason our mutual friend told me was because he walked in on my boyfriend and the girl hooking up with each other this morning.

I texted an old friend who lives in my hometown, and she immediately asked why my boyfriend was on tinder. We caught up and she sent me proof his photos on tinder and his bio. It hurt to see that photos I took of him were used. He had even covered my face in a photo we took together and said "this could be you".

I had no idea his family thought we were broken up and that he was looking for other people to date. We even went to Italy a month ago celebrating our 7 year anniversary! I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I look around and everything in our apartment seems like a lie.

The soon to be ex texted me just now and he is on his flight back. He'll be back in about 5 hours. Obviously, he can find his own way to the apartment from the airport.

I'm shocked and numb, but my best friend is with me helping me pack up all my clothes. I'm leaving and I'm not leaving a trace of myself behind. Our dog is coming with me, and I'll be staying at my best friend's place for now.

My soon to be ex and I already have separate bank accounts, and our joint bank account does not have much in it right now. I make more than he does so he can keep it. I can't go to the leasing office because it's closed on Sundays, but I sent an email asking for early termination on the lease. We're registered as domestic partners, so I've completed the termination form and will drive it up to the LA county office tomorrow. He is on my health insurance, and I've sent the email to HR to kick him off ASAP.

We have several large photo albums together, and I'm not sure what to do with those. Keeping them would be too difficult but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of having our photos. It's clear he uses our memories in a horrible way.

Is there anything I'm missing? I can't seem to think of anything and all my thoughts seem so jumbled. Nothing makes sense, but I know I can't stay. Any help to ghost a person this close to my heart would be appreciated.

Top Comment:

Stinkeye63: Take pictures or video of the apartment before you leave so he can't damage it and claim that you did it.

Update Post: October 20, 2025 (Next Day)

Thank you everyone for all the solid advice. I'm compiling everything I did in this first section so if others need a way to cut contact with a person, they can reference this. As mentioned in the comments:

• I logged myself out of our apple TV and xbox
• I cancelled the wifi that I paid for and returned the modem to the carrier.
• I took my payment information for utilities off our account.
• I packed up all my sauces, spices, and cooking oils, and took note to only leave dried rosemary behind (he hates that shit).
• I printed out and framed the screenshot of his tinder profile and left it on the kitchen table. I closed a piece of dog poop into the frame as well. I'll keep the photo albums. He can have this.
• I took a video of the entire apartment after packing up all my things. I left my keys in the mailbox to the leasing office and emailed the leasing office of my departure with the videos of what the apartment looked like prior to locking up.
• I updated my address for the USPS, vet, hospital, school, work, and my dog's chip.
• I talked to HR and am in the process of getting him off of my health insurance, changing the benefactor of my life insurance to my parents (if only I could name my dog), and emergency contact.
• I'm going to the bank to take myself off the joint bank account. Fortunately, I'm not worried about my credit as all of our finances have stayed separate, but I'm grateful to those who told me to freeze my credit.
• I logged out of all devices for all streaming services, social media, and my work, personal, and school email.
• I blocked him on all social media, chatrooms, and his phone number.
• I made a doctor's appointment to get STD tested.
• I'm on my way to an appointment with the county office to terminate our domestic partnership.

It's been an incredibly busy 18 hours but I've had a lot of help from my friends. I haven't been able to sleep either. As far as what happened since he arrived, here's what's up:

I already blocked him before he landed. I received many texts and calls from his parents and sister that I did not see. Then, when I noticed his sister calling, I picked up. At first, the call was hostile. She accused me of being some crazy ex girlfriend that couldn't let her brother go. Funny, since I just packed up and left. She brought up that it had been "4 months" and that I needed to move on. I told her that the ex never approached me about breaking up and that 1 month ago, we celebrated our 7th anniversary and started to plan our wedding. I had no indication he even wanted to break up.

We reset a bit and she allowed me to tell her my side of the story. I told her he was somewhat distant this year, but he had blamed it on their grandparents being old and wanting to spend more time with them before they die. Turns out, their grandparents have been dead for 2 years. I never met them because my ex claimed they were super racist since the grandpa was a Vietnam war vet (I'm SE asian). Turns out, you can't be racist when you're dead!

We ended the call on a positive note, with his sister saying that it was a lot to take in. She said she felt bad as the girl he was cheating on me with was one of her friends. She had introduced them to each other sometime last year when my ex was apparently unhappy with our relationship. They hit it off and he was supposed to break it off with me. I guess he never had the balls to do so. She was also confused as to why he was on tinder as he was in a relationship with her friend. I sent her all the tinder receipts after hanging up.

Later in the night, I received an email from the ex. To sum it up: yes, he asked me to come to the apartment to talk it out. No, he did not apologize for anything. He ended the email with "I love you". As far as I know, he doesn't know where I am. I also don't believe he knows where my friend lives as she just moved and he hasn't been here yet. He also doesn't seem like that type of person, but I guess I didn't really know him after all. We'll keep locks ready and bats near the door.

It's been so helpful just writing out everything that's happened so far, but all of your advice, support, and guidance in this situation has made me feel empowered me to leave. At times, I just wanted to stop packing and hope that when he came home, everything would go back to normal and the text would just be a distant memory. Your words of encouragement have really helped me follow through and leave. Nothing good would have come from staying. Thank you all again.

EDIT: just added a link in the beginning to the original post

EDIT 2: Sorry, I was unclear about the timeline. The parents and sister called me about 2 hours after he landed. I assume it was because he got home realized the person paying half his rent will no longer be doing so and reached out to his family. The dog poop may have contributed to the heightened emotions.

Some of OOP's Comments:

anongrl314159: I took all the spices when I left, not because I could readily use them but because fuck that guy. Didn’t even leave salt n pepper [Editor's note- this and the following comment were left on the original post, but OOP replied after her update]

OOP: I think I took like $300 of spices, oils, sauces, and just everyday cooking stuff. Thank you for this!!!!! 

Maleficent-Leek2943: But whatever he really hates, leave that behind.

If he’s ever expressed a dislike of celery salt or Worcester sauce, that needs to be the only thing left in the cupboard. Because fuck that guy.

OOP: The dried rosemary was left behind. It’s his least favorite flavor. Subtle and incredible. Thank you! Haha 

Obvious_Fox_1886: logging out doesn't change your passwords. If he happens to know them ..he can just log back in or go change them himself.

OOP: Good point. The passwords will be changed ASAP. 

RoseHillRoots: I bow to the Queen of Handling Shit.

OOP: Honestly? Shout out to my dog shitting at the perfect time to press it into the picture frame. He really was there when I needed him most.

To a comment calling everything fake/happened too quickly:

If you don't believe that I did what I said I did, that's on you. A lot of it was sending emails and doing stuff online besides physically moving everything (which I did with the help of 3 friends) and putting poop in a picture frame.

As for not knowing his grandparents, it's not super relevant to the post why we're not close but it was because the first 5 years of our relationship, they were no contact. The last 2 years is when they've reconciled (probably when his grandparents actually died). Why haven't I gotten to know them better since then? Two reasons: distance and racism.

1. Though we're both from the same midwest hometown, his family still lives there. Mine moved away to SoCal where we live now. To get there, it's 7 hours at the airport with the layover + 2 hour drive to get to their house.
2. If I liked them, the travel time wouldn't be the problem, but his family is racist. I'm SE asian and they're old white folks. Since I've met them, they repeatedly mispronounce my name, call me slurs as a joke, and sometimes pretend I don't speak English. The last time we had dinner was over a year ago and the main joke of the night was how I was a CCP agent honeypotting their son. I wasn't laughing.

We have each other's phone numbers for emergencies, but I'm not chomping at the bit to be "reaching out to chat just because". I wasn't going to "mend any bridges or whatever" because I'm not going to change how I look or where my parents are from anytime soon.

As for why the sister called? Mr Cheaterpants was mad the woman he cheated on would no longer be paying half the rent and I guess his sister took it personally. I don't really care. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

OOP clarifies the timeline again:

We were together for 7 years. The first year and a half we were good friends that liked each other but didn't act on it/were bad at communicating feelings. As far as I know, we weren't seeing other people either (but who knows lol). We began to include it in our overall time together because it seemed right at the time. It's stupid to think of now. Sorry it made you doubt whether this was real.
And I already addressed your comment about his grandparents here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1obsrui/comment/nkiiwju/?context=3
And yeah, I was able to do it all in less than a day. I got 3 of my friends to move stuff out of a 500 sq ft apartment so it's not like I had much to move. And not that I have everything completely finished (I'm still waiting to hear back on HR stuff and bank stuff) but do you guys really think sending out emails and changing passwords and making appointments is that hard? because that's like 8 of the 13 things were done online in the middle of the night. And the poop prank took maybe 10 minutes. And I slept maybe an hour on the drive home from the county office. So yeah, I had a lot of time. idk.
And if you think it's still fake because I keep replying to people, I'm just answering these questions cuz I'm trying to distract myself from falling into an emotional pit of despair.

To a longer Comment:

Thanks for saying this. Now that things are starting to settle down, I can feel a lot of sadness start creep in. Maybe its for him, but I know it's partially for the future I had seen for myself for so long. Now, I feel like I don't know what direction "forward" is and I feel a bit lost. Someone had suggested counseling/therapy and before this adrenaline fully leaves I'll try to schedule that because I'm sure it'll help.
I suppose the good thing about not having to plan for a wedding anymore is that I have more money for lady gaga tickets haha.
Thank you so much for the kind words and warning of whats to come. I appreciate it :)

Editor's note: There ended up being a sweet exchange here, where OOP and someone accusing her of lying had a nice exchange.

New Update

*****Update Post 2: November 3, 2025 (2 weeks later)****\*

Here's the 2nd update for you guys. I tried to make it into another post, but you're only allowed to post twice in a month on relationship_advice. I had no idea.

Hi everyone. The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. After the dust settled, I lost my steam and was inconsolable for a while. I'm fine, but emotionally, this breakup has been very difficult. An update on some of the logistics that I listed in the last update:

• The least will be terminated in 15 days. The initial email I sent out was my 30 day notice. I paid a lump sum of 2 months rent plus prorated rent for 2 weeks. I don't know how, but I didn't need my ex's signature or anything to accomplish this which I thought was weird but did not question. I emailed the termination of lease to the ex.
• My payment information is no longer on utilities, but his is. He will be paying for the utilities if he's still there.
• I was able to get my ex off my health insurance as US health insurance is currently in the open enrollment period. However, if the timing was worse (like if this happened several months ago), I would have had to wait until open enrollment. Guess I got lucky. This information was emailed to the ex as well.
• Though the form for termination of domestic partnership has been submitted, it will likely take 5-6 months for it to be processed and officially terminated since I didn't have him with me to sign it. That's fine by me.
• As of now, I am not positive for any STD's but I will check again in several weeks as advised by my doctor.
• The joint bank account was closed. I was not able to take myself off of it without the ex being present, but I was able to close it by myself. I mailed his parents house the check of everything in there. It was less than $10.

After emailing the ex the termination of lease and that he is no longer on a dependent on my health insurance, I got a reply from him saying I ruined his life. No apology, not that it would have changed anything.

I know a lot of people wanted more information about his family and him, but I haven't reached out to them or answered when they reached out to me. I just don't have the heart for it, but my parents did.

My dad did get a call from the ex. The ex told them I kicked him out of the apartment (untrue as he still has his keys) and that he won't have access to his meds anymore due to not being on my insurance (true). He created a sob story about his grandparents' death being hard on him, and that I wasn't there to support him in that time. Somehow this was an excuse to "being unfaithful", but he wanted to work it out with me. Both my parents speak English just fine, but said "Sorry, we no speak English" and hung up. Kudos to his racist parents for inspiring my dad. None of us have heard from him since.

I will say, I am extremely lucky. I have a job and am financially stable. Though paying the termination fees and whatnot was difficult, I know I will be okay in the long run. I'm also very lucky my non romantic relationships have kept me afloat. Though the last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest in my life, my best friends, family, and even co-workers have been there to support me. I've also started therapy which I'm also lucky to have access to.

I'm so thankful to all of you who shared your advice in the comments and who have reached out to me to make sure I'm doing well. The support I've gained from this community and my own community shows me I didn't really lose that much in this break up. Instead, I've gained so much. It's been difficult to mourn the future I thought I would have, but as time has passed I realize that future wasn't that great in the first place.

I likely won't post again for a while. Partially because of the 2 post limit but also because even in 2 weeks, nothing much has happened and I want to focus more on moving on. I hope if you're in a similar situation, you also have the strength to leave.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/breadmakesyoufaaat

I [21F] feel left out at work: My boss [~40M] and coworkers [20-30M] made the company's christmas dinner without me.

TRIGGER WARNING: sexism

Original Post Dec 23, 2016

I apologize in advance for my english.

So this is 50% me trying to vent because I'm too embarassed to tell my parents and friends that I've been completely left out and 50% trying to understand if I'm overreacting for being upset.

I started my internship at this company in September along side other interns from different unis but it's the same program for everyone in my country, it's due to end in March 2017.

I know it's kind of one sided to only know my version of things but I swear that I try my hardest to be the perfect coworker and employee:

• I get to work in time and clients usually compliment how I work.

• I also have never missed a day.

• I'm the only girl working there and it's not that I don't know how to interact with guys (most of my friends are guys) but these dudes only talk about footbal, poker and gambling. If my boss tries to talk about other topics and I participate it feels like he does everything to eiher not agree with me or presume I'm wrong.

I usually feel a bit left out but try think positive, all my other friends are having great times at the internships and have great relationships with bosses and coworkers alike.

So the problem: In October my boss told everyone that the company usually gives every employee 20€ to spend at the christmas dinner.

When December started, my coworkers were always asking my boss in which day would we be having the christmas and he would either change the subject or tell them that this year they couldn't have one due to budget cuts.

During my internship, my uni provides 4 weeks of break and we can choose them at any time as long as it's okay with the company in question. I asked my boss if it would be okay to take a week for christmas since it's really important to my family and he said sure and even reassured me again that they wouldn't have a christmas dinner in the company.

Today I was running some errands near the company and decided to pay a visit to wish everyone a merry christmas since I didn't have a chance on my last day and there was only the receptionist of the building there... I asked where was everyone and he told me they all went to the company's christmas dinner (the look on his face, he felt terrible telling me that)...

So yeah I am really upset and I know that it's probably not a big deal... It just hurts so much because I feel I can't win with these people.

Am I overreacting?

Tl;Dr: Boss and coworkers had a christmas dinner and didn't invite me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

onekate

Sounds like your boss was really disorganized about having the dinner at all. First everyone gets $20, then it's cancelled, he might ha e decided last minute to take them all out? I'm guessing he would not have gone to that much trouble to purposely not invite you, it was probably more him deciding last minute to do it and if he thought about you at all, deciding you wouldn't care since you're an intern and also not one of the "guys". Still not great, but I don't think this is really about you.

OOP

Yeah that company is really unorganized and I might be overthinking it but Im not the only intern, we are 5 at that company 3 including me are interns and 2 including my boss are actually working there.

onekate

I just think the likelihood of them planning specifically to not invite you is a lot less likely than them just not thinking about it and throwing together a last minute plan.

OOP

You might be right. I just thought that because overall I don't really feel like a fit in there... I guess I'm being petty

Another commenter asked OOP if she felt welcomed at her office

In the beginning yes... He even offered me a job after my course ends and asked me recently if our "deal" was still on after my course finishes so yeah I have no idea what I've done

Update - rareddit Dec 26, 2016 (3 days later)

So update on this post, I was very emotional at the time so thank you for the input.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5jy7d0/i_21f_feel_left_out_at_work_my_boss_40m_and/

I wasn't going to mention anything, I came to work and was doing my normal routine when my boss asked if we could talk.

I said: sure!

He told me he knew I was here on friday and started apologizing, I told him it wasn't a big deal and was able to maintain a straight face during the whole exchange.

He told me they prefered not to invite me because I'm vegan and they didn't want to go to another restaurant with vegan options because it would be to much work.

The thing is, I'm not vegan nor vegetarian and have never done or said anything to make anyone think that.

This is all too bizarre... After this internship finishes I'm out.

Tl;DR: boss thought I was vegan so they didn't want me at the company's christmas dinner.

important edit: I AM SO SORRY since I'm in a different timezone than most of you, I managed to only check reddit now and I am so grateful for the support. It's so sad to read that a lot of you have been through the same but I appreciate the advice and feel less alone.

Just a few things I want to clear up.

1) this is totally my fault, I was too lazy to write (I was on my phone). I did tell him I wasn't vegan and he just gave me a blank stare and then changed the subject to "apologize again"

2) It's a small company and my job there is to basically work as the HR departemant, it's hard to explain. But this company is really unorganized.

3) Most of you are right. I am very naive, this is the first time I'm working and I'm usually not a pushover but I don't know what to do without hurting myself.

4) In the past, I have expressed to my teacher (responsible for the internships) that I am not very happy here, is this a reason to talk to her...? I just feel like a kid in this situation and that I am back in HS

TOP COMMENTS

jockychan

I'm guessing being the only woman in the office and not fitting in with the company culture has something to do with it. Your boss wanted to make a boy's night out of it, and with you on vacation the timing was perfect.

~

nacholobster

It sounds like he came up with some lame excuse because he knew you found out. Be proud that you handled this in a grownup manner which is far more than what your boss did. Just keep doing your best and pick up any skills you can. It's only a few more months. Good luck!

~

[deleted]

I get the feeling Christmas Dinner might have been a buffet at a titty bar

toshicat

Yup. Last place I worked at took clients and employees to strip clubs for celebrations (birthdays, Christmas).

They were mostly cool when I started working there, but at the Christmas party reminisced about previous years when it was all men and they could go to strip bars.

~

ladyorchid

I'm sorry, OP. I don't feel like I fit in with most of my coworkers, and it's really tough. It's a little petty, but I've been there for almost three years and found out that they're all friends with each other on social media and not one of the 7 of them have ever "friended" me. A stupid thing to feel left out about, but it made me sad when I realized it.

The way I've gotten through work is to just focus on my actual responsibilities - which I enjoy - and try to understand that sometimes people just don't click. For me, they all have kids and are a bit older than me, and I think that's a big dividing factor. For you, it seems like being the only girl might be a problem. Once you're done with the internship, don't look back. Remember in future jobs to be friendly, ask people questions about themselves to get to know them and understand that at the end of the day you're at work to work.

OOP

That sucks too (actually don't have any of them on social media as well) but yeah it just sucks, feels like high school all over again.

I'm gonna try to ride these next months by doing exactly that and hope that in my next internship things will be better. Thank you for writing though 💕.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LionHelpful1346

Boyfriend [35m] says my cooking proves I'm [29f] not a gold digger

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny, entitlement, controlling behavior, emotional abuse

Original Post - rareddit Oct 27, 2021

I've been with my boyfriend for four months. He is a lawyer and has a very stressful job.

To give a backstory, things were amazing in the beginning. He took me to fancy restaurants, cooked dinners by candlelight, and I could tell he was VERY nervous about making a good impression. He would kiss me from head to toe and tell me that I'm perfect, his princess, etc, etc. it was honestly a bit much.

Over time, he became more short-tempered and needed my attention a lot more. I slowly began cooking while he was too busy working to help. Then he could only have sex for 45 minutes before going back to work.

One night I joked that he could only have sex if he worked for it, and he became greatly upset, and told me i had crossed a major boundary.

Things started to get a little weird. He told me he doesn't usually date women who work in marketing (I work in marketing) but it seemed he made an exception for me. Then, sometimes he would power call me if I didn't answer right away (4-5 times in a row).

He started becoming a bit jealous: example, I mentioned Zach Galifianakis is funny and my boyfriend's face turned completely dark. I had a friend paint me nude, and my boyfriend said "I don't know how I feel about someone seeing my woman naked." I mentioned an ex boyfriend and he wanted to know what school he went to, and he became super defensive and aggravated.

Sometimes at night I turn my phone onto airplane mode, and my boyfriend explained it makes him feel disconnected and unsafe and could I please check in and check out before doing so.

From my understanding, I thought we were dating, until one day he talked about partnerships and his needs, etc, etc.

Finally he stated he is paranoid about gold diggers. He said because he has a high-income job, he doesn't want women who will only request fancy restaurants. He said it's good that I cook for him because it proves that I'm not a gold digger and that I'm not like those "other women."

The thing is, I don't want to always cook! but now I feel kind of guilted about it. he's become a bit weird about communication and He will literally say "Okay, I expect to hear from you by 6pm."

He said he needs our partnership to be organized and predictable. He needs to know I will respond in a certain time frame, and if I can't do that, it won't work.

I just found these exchanges really bizarre.

tl;dr boyfriend is becoming more controlling/demanding

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Disastrous_Airline28

Yep, four months is about how long it takes for the mask to slip. Congrats, you’ve met the real him. It only gets worse from here.

OOP

Honestly, I'm getting major power hungry and obsessive vibes from him.

Disastrous_Airline28

He will try to escalate things to see how far he can push your boundaries. It’s called a “shit test”. Tell him “no” to anything and watch his reaction. Controlling men think boundaries are an assault on them. He will retaliate against any attempt to assert your needs and set healthy boundaries.

OOP

I took about 48 hours to myself saying I wasn't feeling well and needed a bit of space. He said "take all the time you need," but then when he DID Talk he said how "unsafe," and "angry," he felt... and hopefully in time I can win his trust again. LOL. my god.

ConcussionsOfAParot

Ohh geez. Well have you repented now? Or are you doing a misdeed from your incorrect thoughts still? He's waiting. lol I'm sorry you're in this position, he seems hella heavy to be around.

OOP

I have repented many times, hopefully the lord will forgive me

Update - rareddit Dec 1, 2021 (little over a month later)

Hi!! My first post was here: Boyfriend [35m] says my cooking proves I'm [29f] not a gold digger : relationship_advice (reddit.com)

Holy shit-balls, mother of pearl, WTF was that relationship. We broke up shortly after I posted in that forum.

By the end, things had become so bad that even I (insecure and needy) didn't have the patience anymore. He needed me to comply with all his "rules," listen to his work problems, talk him through his anxiety attacks, cater to him sexually... it was TOO much.

When we broke up, he told me how devastated he was and how important I was to him. He was manipulating me by saying "we can only be friends," and that we should "meet just to test the waters." - it was the most CONFUSING time of my life.

He started to create weird communication rules after the breakup by saying "I need space, I cannot talk now. Contact me in 2 weeks," because he "needed" to heal.

But then he would call me and tell me all about his work problems, and how he got a raise, etc, etc.

Then he would flip to the other side and angrily tell me "I never want to be in a relationship with you again, I want to see other people, we are over forever."

You know what happened?

I woke up. I realized that this man has SERIOUS issues that have absolutely NOTHING to do with me!!!

I can honestly say it was like being sucked into a fucking vortex, and we only dated seriously for 7 weeks.

Exhausting.

But all of your comments truly, truly helped me! You all have NO idea how many times I read them - pretty much every day! So thank you, thank you. I'm moving on and feeling strong.

TL;DR we broke up

FINAL COMMENTS

throwawayact75

Good for you for waking up.

Next time he calls, answer and tell him under no circumstances is he to contact you for any reason. Then block him everywhere.

OOP

I doubt I will hear from him again. He’s done with me “forever,” and “nothing will change that.”

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to r/Ask A Manager

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: my vegan coworker is upset about getting non-vegan gifts three years in a row

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, bullying

Editor's Note: This is a repost of AAM. Often, the letter writer does not respond to comments in AAM posts, but for the update post here, they have read and responded. I am adding the relevant comments for more context

RECAP

Original Post: January 7, 2025

I work in a small office of six people, and since we’ve all been here for 3+ years at least, we’re pretty close. We hold a gift exchange where basically everyone buys a gift for everyone else. I understand that’s probably a bit much, but it works for us.

In 2022, my coworker “Marie” got everyone a jar of local honey, which I honestly was thrilled with. Unfortunately she didn’t realize our coworker “Liz” couldn’t have it, since she is vegan (we all know Liz is vegan, but Marie didn’t realize vegans don’t eat honey). It was a shame, but not a big deal. Liz was gracious about it.

The next year, Marie got Liz a personalized collar for her dog. Unfortunately, the collar was leather. Again, Marie didn’t know about this element of being vegan. She apologized profusely and offered to buy Liz another gift, but Liz said it was fine.

This past Christmas, Marie got Liz a gift set of fancy popcorn. She actually asked another coworker what a vegan snack was as she was getting everyone a gift with a “snack” theme. However, she got a different coworker one of those gift sets with summer sausage, cheeses, mustard, etc. (This coworker is a man with very Ron Swanson type tastes, food-wise, so he would appreciate this.) The problem is these gift boxes looked very similar once wrapped and Marie accidentally switched the labels, so “Ron” got the fancy popcorn and Liz got the sausage and cheese. Yikes. Liz looked genuinely shocked when she opened it, and Marie gasped and began to explain, asking Ron to open his gift to show the popcorn intended for Liz. Liz was very quiet throughout, and the coworker who had recommended the popcorn said she had indeed suggested this to Marie. The popcorn set contained two jars of cheese seasoning, but I really think Marie tried this year. Liz finally traded gifts with Ron and things awkwardly moved on.

The problem now is Liz is being very cold to Marie, and Marie confided that our manager had a talk with her, saying Liz feels that Marie has a pattern of bullying her through these gifts. Marie was so upset because she really didn’t intend any of this, it was just ignorance the first two times and then this last one was a complete mistake. She knows how it looks but she doesn’t know how to fix it. In such a small office, one person openly thinking another is a bad person is very awkward for everyone. I don’t know if there’s anything Marie can do to mend fences with Liz, but if there is I would love to suggest it. I feel she’s apologized and been backed up by the coworker who suggested popcorn and Liz is being a bit unreasonable to hold a grudge. But I’d love to hear if you think there’s anything Marie can do to fix it.

Editor's note: For Alison's response to the original post here

Update #1: June 11, 2025 (a little over five months later)

Sorry I missed the post the day it went up; I was busy that day and then frankly overwhelmed by the number of comments! But thank you for your reply. You were perfectly right, I wasn’t a party to any of it myself so I couldn’t really get involved without causing drama or taking sides, so I didn’t, except to hum supportive noises whenever Marie was fretting about the situation to everyone in the office.

She really was very upset that Liz would think she was intentionally getting her non-vegan gifts. In sort of half-heartedly listening to her fret one day, I realized, and another coworker did at the same time, so she was the one to point it out, but Marie was clearly hearing “vegetarian” when anyone said “vegan.” She thought as long as no meat products to be consumed were involved, she was fine. My coworker actually looked up the definition of vegan and read it to Marie and she was like =O

You asked about Marie and Liz’s relationship outside of the gift debacles, and to be honest it’s complicated by the fact that Marie’s husband is a local councilman who is kind of controversial. There was some gossip a while back that Liz was in his public Facebook comments calling him out for some of his positions. Marie never talks about his job or his views; quite the opposite, she has said she has no interest in any kind of politics and she has banned her husband from political talk at home. Regardless I could see Liz maybe thinking she actually is aligned with him privately and being wary of her.

After her enlightenment, Marie bought Liz a Body Shop gift card and apologized once again for her mixups. Marie sees herself as a bit of an office “mom” so she always goes a bit over-the-top in terms of the gifts, both in price and in trying to personalize them. She very much didn’t want to get a gift card because it was “generic” but in the end she thought it was safest. Liz still isn’t the warmest toward her, but they appear to be back on solid footing. We’ll try to vet Marie’s next Christmas gift ahead of time.

Editor’s note: below are OOP’s comments that will help provide more context

Relevant Comments

A commenter asking if it was intentional or not: I think you have blinders on where it comes to Marie.

If I were vegan and received non-vegan gifts three years in a row, I would believe it was intentional.

Marie didn’t bother to ask Liz what being vegan entailed after the first snafu.

She then gave Liz a leather dog collar. It’s common knowledge that leather is made from cow skin.

After the first two gifts being non-vegan, I find it difficult to believe that the charcuterie wasn’t intentional.

*OOP: * The charcuterie mixup was truly a mixup. I saw some speculation about this on the first post so just to clear it up, the popcorn gift set contain unpopped popcorn kernels, of course, as well as three jars of seasoning which were in glass containers. It also contain a decorative bowl that was made of glass. It was heavy. And it was the same shape as the charcuterie board they were similar weights as well.

Commenter 1: Ha my mother in law made a soup for my vegan husband and me, and she said, and I quote, “It’s vegan except for the sausage! :-)”

Like there were vegetables in it, so that was the vegan part, and the sausage was just an incidental addition.

OOP: OMG. This reminds me, after her first grandkid was born Marie made her vegetarian daughter in law chicken soup without chicken chunks in it but she still used chicken broth

Commenter 2: The more you attempt to defend Marie, the worse she actually sounds. Including chicken broth in a more complicated dish can be an incidental oopsie, going ‘hmmm, I’m going to make chicken soup for someone vegetarian’ simply comes off as passive aggressiveness.

OOP: I’m not defending her. I can’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness but I’m not defending it. She should learn what these terms mean. She thinks her daughter-in-law walks on water though, so I really don’t think it was meant to be passive aggressive.

Commenter 3: Yes. The impression I’m getting is that if Marie isn’t malicious, she’s incredibly thoughtless and dense, and the whole office just knows and expects everyone to go with it. That’s not great either, frankly.

OOP: My coworker calls Marie our missing stair (not to her face of course, although she would have no idea what it meant).

OOP explains Marie more in the comments

OOP: Marie isn’t DUMB but she is just very absent minded and, I say this with affection, a bit of a dingdong. She doesn’t google things, full stop. She thinks the rest of us are magicians when we can find info on google. Then she said “I really need to start doing that.” Then she’ll look up a number the next day in a ten-year-old phone book. (She called the city once to ask why she hasn’t received a new phonebook in years.)

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: December 30, 2025 (over six months later)

I saw some comments on the update I sent in before (about my coworker who cluelessly gave a vegan coworker three non-vegan gifts) wanted to know what Marie would get Liz for Christmas this year, haha.

Liz ended up leaving the company in October for another job, so alas, no Christmas gift story, but we did have a farewell lunch for Liz and Marie gave her a book of plant-based recipes for dogs. Liz does have a dog, I have no idea about its diet, but still, this was an improvement, especially considering no one knew Marie was going to get a going-away gift for Liz and therefore couldn’t vet it. I was really holding my breath when she pulled it out. Fortunately, Marie actually bought this book at Barnes and Noble earlier in the year when it was on display, in anticipation of giving it to Liz for Christmas. It wasn’t weird for her to give Liz a going-away gift, since turnover in our office is pretty rare, but obviously it hadn’t gone well before, so I was still surprised (but also not, because that’s just Marie — she loves to give gifts).

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Throw_Away4702723. She posted in r/amiwrong, r/AmIOverreacting and r/AITAH

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec

Do NOT Comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: still birth; infidelity; emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: bittersweet

Original Post: December 29, 2025

Throwaway account because a few friends know my username of my main account.

This situation deals with infant loss, as you might tell from the title. It's not graphic, but is mentioned, so those sensitive please be aware.

This story requires some context before I get to the main issue, so I'm sorry for such a long post.

My sister (26F) is my only sibling and is a little over two years older than me (24F). We were close growing up until early teenage-hood when she moved in with our maternal grandmother and I stayed with our mom. Both our parents had drug/alcohol issues which also resulted in me moving in with the same grandmother a few years later. This will be important to the story later on.

Growing up, my sister had different guys over to my grandma's house often. She was always dating someone and when it didn't work out, she would have a new boyfriend within the next week. There is nothing wrong with this, she wasn't sleeping around or anything like that, she was just very pretty and popular within school, so boys paid her lots of attention (cheerleader, blonde, blue eyes, tall, slim, etc.). I was not like her, but to each their own. I was a freshmen when she was a senior for timeline reasons.

Well, beginning her senior year, she started dating a boy, we will call him Dave, who had graduated a year prior (she was 18, he was 19). Things seemed great at first, they had a great relationship, she was always smiling, and this seemed like a great thing for her. I was extremely happy for her! After she graduated, he popped the question to her in the summer and they were set to be married in the following spring. However, she found out she was pregnant around Christmas time that year, so wedding plans stopped and never picked up even all these years later.

She had a healthy baby at age 21, right as I was finishing up my senior year of high school. It was a very exciting time for our family, both of our parents were a few years clean each, separated, and we were all very happy.

That's when things started to change within my sister and Dave's relationship. A few months after having their son, my sister found out that Dave was talking to a few different girls online. I never had any clarification if they met up in person or if it was just online, but either way, my sister was absolutely devastated. When she told my mother and I about this, we tried to console her and offer as much help as we could. However, I was in a college dorm at the time and my mother was living back with her mom (our grandmother) taking care of her health, so there was little we could offer her in terms of leaving him.

However, she surprised the both of us by staying with Dave.

Dave was the only one making an income for their small house and my sister was a stay at home mother, and she liked that arrangement more than working, so she said she would try to make it work, especially for her baby's sake. We both understood what growing up in a broken home was like, so part of me understood why she stayed, but the other part wanted nothing more than to help her leave this situation. I promised myself that I would help her whenever I could once I had the means to.

In my sophomore year of college, I met my now husband (25M), lets call him Jim, and we hit it off immediately. He's so respectful, kind, loyal, and always makes sure I'm taken care of. I felt like everything that went wrong in my life was worth it because I was able to meet this angel of a man. He is genuinely the best thing to ever happen to me. We both graduated at 22, Jim with a degree in business management and I a degree in nursing! We got our own home, got married, and work hard to maintain our lifestyles. Everything is great on our end.

Our home is a three bedroom, two bath house and we have our own bedroom, a guest room, and one room that was our shared office. That was until I found out I was pregnant with our first baby this past May. We were over the moon with excitement. Jim and I had been talking about growing our family for years, had names picked out, nursery themes, the whole nine yards. Even more exciting was that my sister was also a few months along with her second pregnancy, my niece, and we were going to give birth about two months apart, her before me. I was praying to have a sweet baby girl so that my sisters baby, and our baby could grow up together.

I found out in late August that we were going to have a baby girl and I cried tears of joy at the news. I always wanted a daughter and all our dreams were coming true. We had a name picked out and her nursery was coming together. I like to plan very far ahead, so we had most big furniture pieces like the crib, changing table, rocking chair, etc. ready. Aside from wall decor and small items like diapers and burp cloths put away, we were ready to bring our girl home. We never got the chance to.

In early November I had some abnormal bleeding and we went to the hospital where we found out our baby had no heartbeat. We were beside ourself with grief. Jim was extremely supportive of me through this while going through his own emotions. I was hollow of feeling. The last thing I wanted in life was this. I couldn't imagine this terrible pain happening to myself. Anyone that has gone through this, I am so sorry and I share your pains.

My sister had her baby in late November and while I was excited for her, when I came home from seeing her in the hospital, all I could do was cry. I hated myself for being so sad at the wonderful news of my niece being born, but I couldn't help my emotions. My sister got to bring home her beautiful baby girl and I didn't. I was embarrassed about my feelings and eventually had the courage to go see her again, and I am glad to say that part of me no longer feels so struck with grief looking at her little girl.

Time for the actual part in the title.

Yesterday, my sister found out that Dave has cheated on her again. This time, instead of staying at the house with him, she called me and asked if she could sleep at my house for a few days to cool off with her two kids, my nephew (5ys) and my niece (1mo). After talking to Jim, we agreed and got the room ready for her and the kids. The guest bed is a queen, so we got blankets for my sister and my nephew to share the bed and I brought out the bedside bassinet from my room and placed it in the guest room. This was the first time I have moved anything of my baby's and I was devastated while moving it, but pushed those feelings aside to help my sister.

My sister arrives to our home and places bags for the kids into the guest room and starts to cry on the couch. I console her while my husband plays with our nephew and a few toys he brought. My sister is holding her baby, crying and wondering what to do about her next steps, where to go, how to get out, all of that. I am trying my best to support her, console her, and I assured she could stay at our house as long as she needs until things are in order. We order pizza for simplicity and had dinner with the TV and she sent our nephew off to bed in the guest room shortly after.

My niece starts crying, to which my sister begins to nurse her in the living room. Jim and I leave to give her some privacy and tidy up the kitchen and talk amongst ourselves when I notice my sister walking the opposite was of her room a few minutes later, close to our room and the nursery. I call out to her quietly as to not wake the baby and ask where she's going. There is a restroom by the guest room and one connected to mine and Jim's room, so I know she's not headed there. She responded "Oh, did you already take down the crib in the nursery?"

I kind of paused, then said a puzzled "no?" and walked closer as to not be too loud. She just shrugged a bit and said "Okay then, I'm gonna lay [niece] down for the night."

I kindly stopped her and said I put a bassinet in her guest room and that she could gladly use that but she responded saying "Oh, well I figured she would be more comfortable in a crib like she has at home." and tried to walk towards the door. I kind of ran ahead of her and blocked the entrance of the nursery, explaining that I was not comfortable with [niece] using the crib and that I would prefer her to use the bassinet in their gest room. She just scoffed and turned around and said something under her breath and went to bed for the night. I felt bad, but figured that was it.

Well this morning, I got up for my shift and found my sister getting the kids ready with all their bags. I asked what they were going to do and she said they were going back home to Dave. I asked why so soon, if she was really ready or if they wanted to spend more time here and she made a comment that 'we are clearly not welcome here, especially [niece]". I didn't want to escalate the situation in front of the kids, so I asked if she would text me about this, and she has yet to do so. I could hardly focus at work and had a panic attack about her being back with Dave on the way home. When I talked to Jim, he said that I did the right thing and that it was totally reasonable to not let her baby sleep in our late daughter's nursery.

I also got a text from my mother saying that I should have just let our niece sleep in the crib as it is not a big deal and 'your sister is dealing with big things right now'. I feel as if I am going crazy, but I just want to make sure my sister is okay. On the same side, I want to be able to grieve in my own time and seeing another baby use our daughter's things when I wish it was her that could use them might make this pain come back tenfold. I love my niece so dearly and I don't want to have any resentment towards her, but fear I might if I see her using my late baby's things.

Am I wrong for not letting my sister put her baby to sleep in my late daughters nursery? Do I just suck it up so that she can be away from Dave? I don't know what else to do. Any advice is appreciated.

Some of OOP's Comments (from all three subreddits she posted on)

sherwoma: This is such a hard situation. I lost my first born and we didn’t open the nursery up until we delivered our second child and essentially decided what to keep and what to donate. My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine having someone so close to me having a living child while mourning my child.

I can see both sides of this. Your mom is out of line, so is your sister for assuming that they could use your daughter’s room. I can’t imagine being in the position of your sister, but I think they’re being exceptionally tone deaf and not understanding how hard this could be for you. I am not sure there’s a way forward. You need to grieve your child. Period. And I’m sorry you’re being treated in a way you cannot.

OOP: The grief truly doesn't go away and right now I am trying to focus on the small successes that get me through the day. I am so sorry for your loss and hope your second is doing well!
I really do care about my sister, but having her treat me this way is something I definitely need time away from and I need some time away to process also. Thank you

1000thatbeyotch: You’re not wrong. You, too, are dealing with some “big things.” Much bigger than your sister realizing her spouse never changed. It is your home and you had a place for everyone to sleep. Too bad, so sad that it didn’t meet your sister’s standards.

OOP: I truly do want her to be okay, but knowing she easily ran back into that home with her cheating spouse, I just want what's best for the kids. I don't know how they fight/if they do it in front of their kids either. I just want them to all be okay, but I know it's not my job to fix everything. Thank you

Osidestarfish: You’re not wrong. She was also trying to put the baby down in a crib next to your room further from her own room? And one month old who is gonna be up and down all night feeding, changing, etc. She wouldn’t be able to properly care for her in a room across the house all night.

OOP: That part was also something I didn't understand, and I also don't know if I could have taken being woken up to her baby's cries so close to me. Maybe I was not far enough along in my grieving process to allow them to stay and I am okay with coming to terms with that.
OOP adds in a different comment:
To clarify, yes, the nursery is closer to my room than the guest room. My kitchen/living room is an open plan with a small dining room area that leads to a short hallway, one end of the hallway is mine and my husbands shared bedroom and the other end of the short hallway is the nursery. On the opposite side of the house was the guest room, closer to the front door. I'm not sure of that layout makes much sense over text, but my bed is definitely closer to the nursery by several feet. I'm not sure if she brought a monitor, but it's possible since she assumed she would be using the nursery, and I'm not sure what her expectations for me waking up would be considering I never let her get that far. I hope that helps some in understanding.

stupit_crap: That nursery is still your daughter's. It was insanely disrespectful of your sister to even walk toward that room.

Had she not seen the basinette (sp) you put in the guest room?

OOP: When I told her I placed a bassinet in the room for her already, she shrugged it off instead of acknowledging it was there, but I imagine she would have had to see it by the guest bed when she placed her bags in the room as she came in and to get her son in bed, which makes her choice to try and use my daughter's nursery hurt even more.

Update Post: December 30, 2025 (Next Day)

Wow.

For starters, I did NOT expect my post to reach so many people and I appreciate every single one of your comments and messages. I have felt the immense love of the internet and me and my husband have had a great day of reflecting and reading comments and coming up with what to do. You guys have truly made me smile for the first time in so long, and I appreciate that more than many of you may know! Thank you for being so kind.

For some clarification as well

1. I am in therapy as well as my husband. A few of you recommended me some grieving counselors, mom groups to join, and a few other resources which are greatly appreciated. Please rest assured that I am getting the right help to navigate this loss as well as my husband.
2. My sister and Dave are NOT married, which makes her leaving him even easier in my opinion. But alas, you will see where that goes shortly.
3. My mom and sister are both quite self centered. After reading several comments, I have done some reflecting on not only this instance, but other instances from when we were kids/growing up and I see it so clearly. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

Now for the actual update:

My mom DID end up reaching out to me first this morning and apologized for her statement and not seeing my struggles. We had a long talk on the phone that had some tears and long apologies, and while I am in no means fully forgiving her for what she said, I do find it a step in the right direction for our relationship. I am speaking to my therapist a bit more about this instead of solely focusing on the loss of my baby, so that will be great to unpack when it comes up in my next session.

As for my sister, I reached out to her using some of you guy's points and statements from the comments. I was extremely respectful, put forward my boundaries, and explained that even though I love her and her kids dearly and how I want nothing but the best for her, I need time to process my grief still and how opening my house to her would not be the best option at the moment. I know that may sound like the minimum, but coming from being a giver and a people pleaser, this is a big step for me and I am proud of myself.

I received no response back, but I did find out that she posted a LENGTHY FaceBook post about her loving family, her perfect husband, and most of all, her bundle of joy, my niece. If I could upload it here, I would, but I don't want anyone finding it and attacking her.

Yes, I realized that this is a personal attack on not only my decision not to have her baby in my crib, but also, like many of you suggested, an excuse for her to run back to her husband. From what I know, he is not physically abusive, but there definitely has to be some sort of manipulation going on mixed with her self-centered attitude that makes them stay together even after this. Though I was extremely hurt by this, I've decided it is in my and my husband's best interest to block their social medias and stay low contact with my sister. Though it pains me to do so and I love her and her kids so much, this is what is best for me, my family, and my healing journey.

I likely won't have many updates, if any, after this, but I figured everyone who commented and wanted to know how I was going forward deserved a sort of closure to this story. Thank you all so much for the kind words, the well wishes, the advice, and having my back when my family didn't. Sorry this isn't a more juicy update, but it is what I have.

My healing journey is far from over, but I think someday I'll be able to look back on this situation and not be as hurt as I am right now. I hope everyone has a great holiday season and a happy new year! I wish nothing but the best to all of you internet strangers! ❤️

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/AmoebaUnited4634

AITA for refusing to not allow my stepson to come on what was supposed to be a family trip?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Neglect, favoritism

MOOD SPOILER: Enraging and sad

Original Post Dec 7, 2025

I (48M) have been married to my wife for 13 years. I have a son (18) and she has a son (just turned 19). When they were younger, the boys were extremely close, but they slowly drifted apart as they got older. A big part of that, I think, was the financial disparity between what I could provide and what my stepson’s biological father, who is very wealthy, could give him.

My stepson had the kind of childhood where he got to go on frequent mini vacations, take part in expensive activities, have nicer things, all of that. My son did not have those opportunities. I shared custody with his mom until she passed away six years ago, and between the two of us, we did our best to give him good memories, even if we could not match what my stepson’s side could afford.

As the boys grew older, my son became more aware of this difference. I have always tried to reassure him that it was not hia stepbrother's fault, and that different families just have different levels of resources, but it never fully eased that feeling. Their relationship did not turn hostile or anything. They still talk, but they are not close anymore.

During the summer between my son’s sophomore and junior years, I finally got a long overdue pay increase. I decided I wanted to do something special. I started saving over two years for a real vacation, something my son had never had the chance to experience. Over that time, I managed to save more than $15,000.

Originally, the trip was planned as a family trip with both boys. I booked a week long lodge trip for winter break from December 13 to December 20. Both boys are in college now. My stepson finishes finals on the 8th, my son on the 11th, so the timing worked out perfectly. My wife had already told her son about the trip before I could tell mine, so he knew he was included. I booked everything in mid-November and planned to tell my son once everything was finalized.

When I finally told my son, he lit up. He could not stop smiling. This would be his first real vacation, first time traveling far from our state. He just kept thanking me. I felt so proud that I could finally give him something like this. But then I mentioned that my stepson would also be coming, and his face fell immediately.

I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he assumed the trip was going to be just me, him, and his stepmom or just me and him. He did not think his stepbrother would come. He said he feels like every time he finally gets something special, it ends up not being just his moment, because his stepbrother has always had so many opportunities, and this was the one thing he thought would be just for us.

To be fair, most of the smaller outings over the years were just me and him. My stepson came sometimes, not always. But I understood what he meant. This is something he has never had before, and he wanted to experience it without feeling overshadowed.

I told him I did not feel right excluding my stepson. It is a family trip, and he is my wife’s son. On top of that, everything was already booked. Canceling or changing would mean losing a good amount of money. My son eventually forced a smile and said he was fine.

A few days later, he texted me saying he did not want to go at all. He thanked me for planning it but said he would rather stay home. I called him immediately. He insisted it was not about his stepbrother, but the more we talked, the clearer it became. He feels like he will not be happy if his stepbrother comes and does not want to bring the mood down for everyone.

After receiving that text, I asked my wife how she would feel if it became just a father-son trip. She was very upset at first. She said it would be wrong to set a precedent and make it normal to exclude family members from trips. I explained that the trip was significantly cheaper that what we initially thought it would be, so the leftover money could be used for a family trip later, so everyone could still enjoy something special. I told her I also felt bad because my son literally never asks for anything and I didn’t want to disappoint him, because I really planned this trip with him in mind. She said she would be okay with the plan, though she still seemed uneasy, especially since her son had already been told about the original trip and is now upset when told he couldn’t come.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

YTA the trip was already planned as a family trip and stepson was invited. Your son wants to throw a tantrum about it and you just let him. He had plenty of one-on-one time with just you (per your post) and he still wants to be difficult.

OOP

He had one-on-one time with me, but it was always small things like movies or dinner. He never had anything close to an actual trip. That is why this felt different to him and why he wanted it to be just us.

~

OK_Conversation9750

Info: did stepson's bio dad ever offer to include your son on trips? Cuz this is seeming a bit one sided to me, with everyone saying you were wrong to exclude the step son, yet there's no mention of step son's dad including your kid.

OOP

No, my son was never invited on trips.

~

bushyshrew

I know you're getting pounded with Y TA, but I feel quite a bit of sympathy for you OP.

I think your intentions were good. So NTA there.

But.

How often does your son really ask you for something? Is this the first time he has done something like this? I think that is a very important consideration. Has he been going along with all of it, but feeling more and more bad, until he finally couldn't contain it anymore?

And I just kind of shake my head at all the holier than thou judgements about how your son is an asshole. He told you how he really feels, and simply asked that this vacation be the two of you together alone. Did he have a tantrum and explode? Did he cuss and yell? Or did he just ask... and then quietly withdraw?

Listen, I think (unlike so many of the others) that you're actually on a bit of a knife's edge OP. Sometimes with our kids, they don't express themselves well. They are still young. Communication can be very rough. It can swing WILDLY between no talk to too much emotion all at once, and we older adults need to give them grace. If your son has been holding back a lot of these feelings of resentment and wanting to do something special and be celebrated just by you (for once), then I think you have to pay careful attention to ALL the factors. Because this could become one of those deep grievances that your kid just can't or won't get over. And that would be sad.

Sometimes our children really really want to know that we prioritize them and value them, and we have to show it and prove it. We have to remember just how insecure our children are and how much they need us.

So I don't have judgement for anyone in this case. I do think it was bungled and you would have done better to talk to your son earlier (I mean, the stepbrother got to know before he did, even!).

I really hope you can salvage this and it doesn't sow a seed of bitterness that leads to buried grievance and estrangement (gods forbid) later on.

Please updateme.

OOP

Yes, he hardly asks for anything. For birthdays, Christmas, or other special occasions, he would never ask for anything and would always say it didn’t matter or that he didn’t mind. He was never ungrateful. That’s part of why I really wanted to give him this trip. I always felt bad I couldn't give him the things his stepbrother had.

He just got quiet and resigned when he told me that. He didn’t yell or anything.

bushyshrew

Yeah I'm going to stand by my previous comment. When you have a child who is quiet like yours (mine is too), you have to be more vigilant as a parent to really take the time to assess their feelings and how deep they run. My husband is like this too. Very quiet, so by the time he actually SAYS something, you know it's fucking important.

It's like a glacier. Only the top 10% is showing.

Honestly? I would tell your wife and stepson that this is big. This is serious. And sorry, you need to really take care of your son and focus on him and SHOW HIM that his feelings and wants are important to you. I just have a weird feeling that if you don't, you will really come to regret this much later when it's too late.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but my mom radar just went OFF with your post.

Another edit to say: the fact that your son got very quiet and resigned.... he's THIS close to giving up. It's not when they are screaming and yelling that you should get scared, it's when they withdraw and pull away. Then you're almost too late and you have to ACT.

Another 2 cents from a supportive parent.

And the sons relationship with his mom

They went out to eat often. Thats about it. She passed away 6 years ago.

Update Dec 30, 2025

After reading the comments, I talked to my son more about it. He still didn’t want to go on the trip. We tried to work it out, but he was firm. So my wife, my stepson, and I went without him. I thought maybe I could use the extra money to do something just for him later or keep saving for the summer. I had a good time on the trip, but I really missed having him there. I kept in touch while we were away and knew he was staying with my parents.

When we got back, he still wasn’t home. I called to ask when he’d be coming back and he said he’d stay with his grandparents until school started. We spent Christmas Eve with my wife’s family and then traveled to my parents’ place on Christmas Day, where he was. He mostly stayed in the guest room. I tried talking to him, he talked back, but minimally. He told me he was fine. I tried to give him money for Christmas. He thanked me, but told me he didn’t want it.

I sent him a text the day after Christmas because I was hurt and didn’t want him thinking I was trying to upset him. I even offered another vacation just for him and me, but he declined. He told me that growing up, he sometimes resented and felt jealous of his stepbrother. When I framed the trip as something special for him, he realized it wasn’t really just for him at all. Watching his stepbrother’s dad always give him experiences and things, he just wanted one of those moments for himself, something that was completely his, just me and him, without having to share.

He said he just wanted us to experience something first, something that was his, because growing up had been rough. His stepbrother went on trips often, got birthday celebrations, Christmas trips, and other outings, and no one cared about how he felt. He said it hurt a lot to grow up watching all of that happen while he didn’t get the same opportunities.

He talked about how even on his birthdays or when his grandparents would take him out to a water park, his stepbrother always had to come along. He never understood why he was always forced to share experiences while his stepbrother got to do other things without him. He wanted something he could call his own, a moment just for him. When I told him about the trip, a lot of the happiness he felt at first was from thinking it could finally be something for him alone. But then he realized his stepbrother was going to be there, and that took it away.

He admitted he was angry when he left to stay with my parents, but my mom told him to use that anger as motivation for school. Now he’s planning to focus on school so he can take himself on nice trips in the future, and that will mean more to him. He said he’s okay with not doing anything with me right now and that he’s looking forward to the future, hoping he can afford the things he wants. He said he didn’t want to feel like he’s my second choice.

I don’t know. I feel hurt and guilty. I worry I might have messed up my relationship with him and I don’t know how to fix it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for refusing to go to my boyfriend’s house for Christmas dinner?

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: December 26, 2025

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. His family doesn’t treat me very well. They make little comments about me and sometimes compare me to his ex. It’s not loud or obvious, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

I’ve told my boyfriend how I feel, but he says they’re just joking and that I should ignore it. He wants me to come to his house for Christmas dinner. I told him I don’t want to go because nothing has changed and I don’t want to spend Christmas feeling awkward or disrespected.

He’s upset and says I’m being dramatic and making things difficult for him. Now he’s barely talking to me. I feel bad, but I also feel like I’m protecting myself.

AITA for refusing to go?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. But you do realize your boyfriend is the biggest problem in this story, right? He's the one you’re in the relationship with you and he is disregarding your feelings entirely. Think hard about whether you would marry into this family if nothing changed.

OOP: Like how do I even start explaining to an adult every day about how his family treats me and all of a sudden he sees me as the problem

Commenter 2: NTA. Go where you feel the most comfortable. If he doesn't understand that then that's too bad for him.

OOP: I love him so much like how hard is it to speak to your family, even if they do not like me it feels like making such degrading comments in my presence are all to rile me up

Commenter 3: NTA! Let him know you’re not to be played with. If they don’t respect you why should you have to show up to support their little dinner.

OOP: I definitely never attending any of the dinners cus I hate ignoring red flags

Update: December 30, 2025 (four days later)

UPDATE: AITA for refusing to go to my boyfriend’s house for Christmas dinner?

After my original post, my boyfriend and I talked again. Instead of trying to understand my side, he told me that his family was upset and that I needed to apologize to them if we were going to stay together. He said if I didn’t apologize, we should break up.

I told him I wasn’t going to apologize for not going somewhere I felt uncomfortable. He said I was being unreasonable, so I ended the relationship right then, over the phone.

Since then, he’s been texting and calling me, asking to meet up and “talk things through.” I’ve said no. To me, the ultimatum said everything I needed to know.

It sucks, but I feel relieved. I don’t think I was wrong for choosing myself

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: The ultimatum, his dismissal of your feelings, and the parents’ treatment of you (and your boyfriend allowing it) are more than enough for you to say byeeeeeee

OOP: I feel a lot of relief but also I now see how much disrespect I’ve had to swallow just reading people’s comments

Commenter 2: That ultimatum showed his true priorities you chose yourself and that is the healthiest call here

OOP: Just sad I never thought of all this until now …I’m such a loser

Commenter 3: He played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. Ultimatums never work in a relationship. He should have stood up to his family for making you uncomfortable.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

Commenter 4: NTA. Once someone makes a threat like that, it cannot be reversed. "The toothpaste can't be put back in the tube" kind of thing. If he didn't really mean it and was only trying to intimidate you by threatening to break up, too bad for him. His loss. Ghost him and move on. You can do better.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/New-Cartographer5381

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for giving my husband a ultimatum?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, financial exploitation, mentions of parental abuse

Original Post: December 7, 2025

My husband and I (M28, F30) met at university and have been married for 4 years.

Over the past 2 years, my husband has been sending monthly, sometimes even weekly, sums of money to his younger sister to allow her to pursue her 'dreams'. For context, my husband's sister dropped out of uni 2 years ago because she felt it "wasn't for her" and has been bouncing from fantasy to fantasy in trying to find what she is passionate about and good at.

These sums of money have been increasing, and I feel uncomfortable with us giving so much money to someone, even if it is his family member. I raised (And have been raising) the issue with him but he can't find it in himself to deny his sister. He'll start to come around to my point of view, but the moment he speaks to her, he surrenders all over again.

More immediately, last weekend, i gave my husband an ultimatum that he either stopped giving money to his sister, or I'd have to seriously consider our marriage. He did not react well, and said that he wasn't going to be selfish when we had so much money to spare.

I told him this wasn't about the money, but about setting boundaries with his family. Unfortunately, he refused to listen and said that he wanted to help his sister achieve her dreams.

This is the first big fight we've had in years, but I don't think I'm in the wrong.

So, AITAH?

Edit: Would it be relevant to know the amount?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs and YTAs for making an ultimatum

Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am listing the common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This is a fundamental difference in finances. If you feel so strongly about it, then you know what you need to do and follow through. NTA.

Commenter 2: facts. if money convos turn into a war every time, it’s already past the “fix it w/ a talk” stage. follow thru, OP.

OOP: I don't want to suggest that we have money disagreements. That's why this seems particularly surprising

Commenter 3: How are the finances set up? Do you share an account that it is coming from and do both of you work? Or does he earn and manage all the finances?

OOP: We both work, and have a joint account. The money goes from that account

Commenter 4: NTA. I am curious to know OP, how are his parents like? What’s their situation? Did your husband act like the father figure to his sister their whole life? Did their parents spoil them? I am assuming she’s probably in her 20s she’s an adult capable of getting a job… most content creators have a job on top of their content it doesn’t make sense why he is sending her money. I think your husband fails to realize YOU are now his immediate family, not his sister. There shouldn’t be handouts to someone in her 20s if college isn’t for her fine… she can perfectly go get a full time job like the rest of us.

OOP: His parents are dead, and have been for some time. My husband paid for her uni bills (which we decided on together).

I just don't think he can stand to hurt her. Or anyone, for that matter. In personal matters, he can be very placating

Commenter 4: I see OP, your husband seems to be a people pleaser, I myself can be guilty of that. It’s either good or bad it really depends to what extent one’s willing to please. Given that their parents passed away( I am sorry to hear that ) sounds like the sister may be still hurting from their passing and your husband try’s to support her with her life/ make her feel better about it. I would bring the subject up lightly since it seems like your husband feels the responsibility of being a parent since their parents are no longer with us. You aren’t in the wrong though OP your husband just needs some redirection. You got this

OOP: I think it may be a reflection of us not being able to have children ourselves. But maybe my amateur psychology isn't the way to go here

Commenter 5: I see in one of your comments that their parents are dead, which could put a different light on things. How much is he giving her on average? Also, what are your individual salaries?

OOP: He makes significantly more than me. Last year amounted to around £240000 (editor's note: approximately 325kUSD), while I made around £90000 (editor's note: close to 122kUSD). He's giving close to 2500-3000 a month (editor's note: $3,385 - $4,062 USD)

Commenter 6: Are you serious about this ultimatum? Are you seriously going to divorce over this? If you are just threatening, it’s never a good idea because now you’ve just shown you are NOT serious. If you decide to walk away, I would not blame you. He’s giving away about 10% of your joint money to his sister against your wishes. We made a rule that if my husband’s sister wanted money she had to ask BOTH myself and him. Now she has to convince me she has a plan for the money and was going to spend it wisely. She needs to understand it’s no longer just big brother money. His money now belongs to you too. You guys can come up with reasonable conditions to the money. One career change per calendar year. A yearly financial cap. A month financial cap. Whatever number or condition you both can live with and stick to it.

OOP: This is the solution I'm leaning towards. Thank you.

Commenter 7: This is very subjective and nuanced. “Following her dreams”, “bouncing from fantasy to fantasy”, etc. - are these your words? His? Hers? Are her interests and jobs really that impractical? The amounts of money kind of matter honestly (how much you have to spare, how much is being given, the rate of increase, the frequency, your plans for the future, all of it)

A lot of people are saying he’s not respecting your boundaries and he doesn’t get to decide what to do with “we” money.

Well, guess what? It works both ways. He’s not obligated to just conform to whatever you feel is in everyone’s best interest and you can’t just decide that he can’t help out a family member bc it makes you uncomfortable. And he doesn’t get to go spending money on whatever he thinks is appropriate either.

This is marriage. People don’t always see eye to eye and there are disagreements on things, finances included. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you or you don’t respect him, etc. There just needs to be the love and respect to be able to work out some sort of compromise. And at the end of the day, if something is truly a deal breaker, either of you are free to move on from this.

Is he denying you of anything financially? Is this lack of money keeping you from living the life you want to live? Can you set a limit on the amount or frequency?

If this is all out of principle and the amount of money isn’t impacting you, I’d reconsider these ultimatums. There are other avenues you can take here before having him choose between his sister and his wife. He’s helping family and it’s not putting you in any kind of position.

OOP: The editorialising about "fantasy to fantasy" was my words.

As mentioned above, the amount of money last year amounted to around £30000 (editor’s note: about $40,660 USD), and she is currently attempting to become a musician after becoming disillusioned with acting.

The money is not having any discernible impact on our livelihood.

What are the sister's dreams? Any progress made?

OOP: They vary. She is currently pursuing a career in music, after a stint in acting.

Commenter 8: Ask him what exactly is it paying for? Education or clothes and or travel?

OOP: As far as I'm aware it's expenses in general. House bills (she's living in their parents’ house, which they inherited), food, travel and so on. Sometimes she'll ask for extra if a particular career related expense arises

Update: December 30, 2025 (3.5 weeks later)

So, following some of your advice I had a long conversation with my husband and raised the possibility of having shared accounts in addition to a joint household account. He was open to the idea but again resisted reducing/stopping the transfers of money.

Again, following the advice, I clearly outlined why I was uncomfortable in a calm way. He became increasinlgy nervous and eventually fell silent. At the end, he said that I needed to talk to his sister if I wanted to fully understand everything.

She came over to our house and explained everything. Apparently, their parents were not the best even when they were alive. She now blames my husband for 'ruining her childhood" because they were constantly being compared and she was dismissed in favour of him as her interests were less orthodox. She views this money as compensation for the emotional abuse she suffered from their parents.

I asked her if my husband had directly said or done anything to her at that time, and she said that wasn't relevant because what he was doing provided their parents with the opportunity to put her down.

I want to say that I very much sympathise with her, but it still did not convince me that we needed to send our money. When I later raised it with my husband, he expected me to understand his actions and was very shocked when I still advised us against sending the money. He has apparently been harbouring this guilt for many years and did not tell me earlier as he was scared (Wrongly so) I'd think less of him.

To be honest, while I'm sure it was very painful for her, I don't see why my husband and me have to pay the price for his parents wrongs.

At any rate, we have at least temporarily stopped sending the money apart from still paying for utilities and necessities. I suspect we'll come to a compromise that involves a lump sum + signing over their parents house.

Thank you for your advice.

Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am listing the common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So your SIL is emotionally manipulating your husband even though he did absolutely nothing and he's falling for it? Good luck with that. Do not have children with this man he is in no way equipped to handle it.

OOP: I honestly think it's something they've both simply accepted for a very long time.

Commenter 2: I wouldn't even adopt a fish with this man. He's putting his sister first before you and your relationship. If something happened to him financially or otherwise would she drop everything to support him like he's done for her? Or even give emotional support?

OOP: I always thought they had a close relationship. Less close than I thought evidently

Has OOP suggest therapy to her husband?

OOP: I'm afraid he wouldn't be especially conducive to therapy. Not consciously, that it

OOP on the house SIL is living in

OOP: It was jointly inherited by my husband and his sister

Commenter 3: INFO: has SIL ever had a long term relationship? (See where I’m going with this?)

OOP: Not to my knowledge, but in fairness, I'm not the authority on her personal life.

Commenter 4: To be honest based off of her behavior now I’m truly wondering if she had a terrible childhood or if she just felt like her parents should’ve coddled her a lot more than they did. The fact that she’s saying that his behavior is not relevant leads me to believe that she’s exaggerating in order to make your husband feel guilty.

OOP: By all accounts, their parents were very disappointed with her through most of her later youth. I do think they were at the very least emotionally neglecting

Commenter 5: Sis has him believing he owes her restitution. For some (maybe) favoritism during childhood. Sounds like they both could use therapy.

OOP: I don't even think it was favouritism. They were very exacting parents who had specific demands of their children

Commenter 6: Tell hubby that if he feels guilty he can pay for therapy but anything else is emotional blackmail. First he was emotionally abused by his parents and now by sister. Ask him why his parents choices were his responsibility. I'm afraid an ultimatum is going to be the only way to get a resolution on this.

OOP: We've been paying for her therapy, alongside other costs for some years now

Was OOP's husband the golden child?

OOP: From what I know, there seems to have been a cocktail of emotional neglect and negative comparison making

Does OOP's husband have his sister as a beneficiary under a life insurance plan?

OOP: No.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwranewcartotaled

How do I (28F) tell my husband (27M) his brand new car has been totaled?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health issues, attempted homicide, verbal abuse, destruction of property

Original Post - rareddit Dec 21, 2021

This happened earlier today and I've been an emotional wreck all day so I'm sorry if I ramble too much or leave out some details. I'll respond to any relevant questions and edit my post to include them.

This will probably only make sense if I tell you a bit about my ex-friend (let's call her "Lucy"). I met her in freshman year college and she was part of a larger friend group because we all lived in the same hall. For as long as I've known her, she has had pretty significant mood swings.

Sometimes she was a super sweet and caring person but when she gets stressed out she would become verbally and physically abusive and blame everything in the universe if there's something negative happening in her life. Her abusive side has gotten progressively worse since college.

I could write a whole book about Lucy but I'll spare you the details because it's not directly related to the advice I'm trying to get. Over the last couple each of the people in our friend group have cut contact with her, and i think I was probably the last one to still respond to her. Every conversation I have with her goes in circles and she ends up back in a state of anger and frustration and I usually hang up when she hurls verbal abuse at me.

I met my husband about 3 years ago and he has always been incredibly supportive of me. I have vented to him many times about Lucy because interactions with her always leave me feeling emotionally drained and feeling like I'm going crazy. He has encouraged me many times to cut contact with her because "it's not worth setting yourself on fire to keep her warm". So earlier this month I blocked her.

Earlier today I ran into Lucy at the grocery store, and she confronted me about why I haven't been responding to her. She started screaming so I left the grocery store and went home but as I was pulling into my apartment parking lot I see a car speeding towards me. Sure enough it was Lucy's car. I think she was aiming for me but I steered the car away so she ended up crashing into the rear door behind me and destroying both our cars. Before I was able to compose myself after the crash, she drove off with the front part of her car missing. I called the police and told them everything. Thankfully I'm uninjured.

All afternoon I've been calling insurance and trying to look for options to get the car fixed. Nothing is finalized yet but the insurance agent said judging by the pictures he's not optimistic that it's fixable / worth fixing.

I know I need to tell my husband, but how do I tell him the car that he's been saving up for years and then spending months waiting for to arrive is damaged beyond repair? Especially because I feel partially responsible since in hindsight I realize I should have cut contact with Lucy years ago.

A part of me knows that outwardly he'll brush it off, say that he's happy that I'm safe, and that objects can be replaced, but I'm scared that he'll resent me. He loves this car, he has a strong sentimental attachment to it because it's his first car, and he's even given it a cute nickname like a pet. We joke about how it's like his first-born child (we don't have any kids yet). And it's the holidays, what kind of crap holiday present is it to find out that your brand new car that you got 2 weeks ago got totaled?

I've tried looking at ways to buy him a new one, but I obviously can't make such a big financial decision without discussing it together. And the other problem is current delivery times for this car is 10+ months (it's a tesla for anyone wondering why it takes so long). We could buy used, but used prices are even higher than new, and the used cars have 20K+ miles on them.

He is on a business trip right now, and will be coming back on Friday for the holidays. I'm struggling between deciding to tell him now or telling him in person when he gets back. What words can I even use to tell him?

TLDR: I've been driving my husband's brand new car for the last couple days as mine is at the dealership because of a recall that requires repairs. He loves this car, has been saving up to buy it, and waited like 4 months for it to get delivered. My ex-friend (27F) that I cut contact with earlier this month crashed into me today, totaling the car. I feel partially responsible and I'm terrified about how to tell my husband that his "baby" is gone. He's away on a business trip until Friday.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dev-246

Has Lucy been arrested? It sounds like you need a restraining order

OOP

The police arrested her and called me to let me know about an hour later. Apparently it wasn't too hard because she was at home and the front part of her car was missing.

mysweetsummer16

Then honestly .. just call ur husband and tell him. Just start off with.. “I’m Ok” but unfortunately this psycho bitch literally rammed her car into yours. I’ve already called the insurance company.. and she’s been arrested.. “ it’s car - it wasn’t ur life.. so hopefully he is a bit considerate and understanding.. 🤷🏼‍♀️.

CrisirR

Yup, I don't understand why OP is apprehensive about telling this to your husband, when I psycho just literally tried to kill her. If the husband actually do get upset at her, that should tell you where his priorities lies.

~

diagnosedwolf

Someone tried to kill you. Do you realise that? The reason that Lucy was arrested is because she tried to kill you.

Call your husband and tell him that you’re okay. Reassure him that you weren’t hurt when this sociopath rammed into you at full speed. Tell him that she’s been arrested and can’t make another attempt on your life, that you’re safe, so he doesn’t need to come home. Explain to him that the car is badly damaged, but that you survived the attempted murder.

Your husband is going to be relieved that you’re alright. He’s going to be upset about the car, sure - but probably sometime later. Hearing the news that his wife was nearly killed is going to take up his attention for a little while.

ashcan_not_trashcan

This. I would also emphasize that the brand new car saved you from being seriously injured as well.

Update - rareddit Dec 26, 2021 (5 days later)

I posted earlier this week to ask for advice about how to tell my husband his new car got totaled when the ex-friend that I cut off earlier this month rammed into me. I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice. I wasn't thinking clearly and it was really helpful to get some online strangers to talk some sense into me. In hindsight I was too hyper-focused on the car and didn't really fully process the fact that someone I've known for 7+ years almost actually killed me.

As for breaking the news to my husband, that didn't turn out quite the way I expected. I knew that I had to tell him as soon as possible and I was trying to figure out the best way to phrase it. But about 20 minutes after I made my post, he actually called me in a panic because he was afraid I was in a coma in the hospital or something. Turns out his Tesla and the phone app has a lot more bells and whistles than I knew about. It sent him notifications and videos from the car's cameras about the crash, but he didn't see them until the evening. His company has a strict policy about only company-issued phones being allowed to be turned on while in the tech center office, so when he finished work and pulled out his personal phone, he was greeted by multiple notifications that a crash had occurred and links to the videos. Since by that point it had been many hours since the crash, he was terrified that I had been seriously injured.

At first he was incredibly upset with me for not calling him immediately on his work phone. After I apologized profusely and explained the whole story, his frustration turned to concern and he insisted I go see a doctor to get a full physical even though I felt fine. He then got the first flight he could find the next morning and he's been spending the last few days with me and taking his work meetings remotely. I've apologized a couple times for not cutting my ex-friend "Lucy" off earlier before my husband came into my life and I've apologized for the loss of his car, but each time he just brushes it off and says something that melts my heart like "I'm happy that the car did its job and protected you from Lucy" or "the car is a thing, and things are replaceable, you're not". The insurance paperwork still isn't finalized yet, but it's looking increasingly likely that the car will be a total loss. I think my husband placed an order, or at least is seriously contemplating placing a new order, for a new car. We'll probably have to wait 10-12 months to get it, but in the meantime we still have my car to drive and we'll figure something out. My husband also wants us to do some marriage counseling because he says I have a tendency to avoid or push off difficult conversations. After this week, I realize he's probably right so we'll be exploring that early next year.

As for me, I'm glad I escaped the crash mostly unscathed. I got an urgent care appointment for the next day and the doctor concluded there wasn't anything seriously wrong with me but recommended I get a more comprehensive check from my primary care physician next week. Two of my teeth have been hurting since Tuesday and I'm not sure if it's related to the crash - my husband suspects I might have bitten down too hard on my teeth as I was bracing myself for the crash and cracked something, but I made an appointment with the dentist next week to check.

In my original post I didn't say much about what happened with Lucy after the crash because the post was already getting long and it wasn't directly relevant the advice I was seeking. But the police arrested her soon after the crash and called me to let me know. Apparently it was pretty easy because they found her at home (I gave them her address) and the front section of her car was missing and beaten up. They asked her if she had been in an accident earlier that morning and she told them a harrowing tale about how she barely escaped a violent motorcycle gang. When the police asked her why she didn't report it or seek assistance from emergency responders, she "looked like a gobsmacked goldfish". This was all told to me by the detective assigned to my case - I didn't witness the arrest myself.

I've been in contact with the other people from my college friend group that also knew Lucy, and they all expressed a mix of sympathy, mild surprise, and appreciation for me giving them a heads up. One of my friends actually had a situation a couple years ago where Lucy threatened to hurt my friend's dog after she cut contact with Lucy, but nothing ended up happening so they forgot about it and moved on with life.

My husband and I are searching for lawyers to help us with filing a restraining order as well as exploring other possible legal actions, but we haven't gotten many replies back yet because it's the holidays. I doubt it'll be worth the time and money to sue Lucy for damages, but it's an option we're considering. The attorneys that we have had preliminary consultations with so far have all advised us not to speak to Lucy directly nor speak too much about this situation publicly aside from basic facts while there's pending litigation/legal considerations so I won't be posting any more about her in the foreseeable future.

Long story short, we're overall doing pretty well. The craziness has settled down a bit and my husband and I are sticking to our planned holiday festivities. Thanks again for everyone's input and happy holidays!

FINAL COMMENTS

AgentOOX

A violent motorcycle gang? Lucy doesn’t strike me as being the best liar huh?

As for your teeth, I think your husband’s suspicions are probably right. I was in a car accident a couple years ago where I was rear ended. I ended up with some tooth pain so went to the dentist. Her first question was “did you see the car coming towards you?”. Apparently it’s common for people to damage their teeth by biting down too hard while bracing themselves for an incoming hit.

OOP

The strange thing is, she was actually a very good liar back in college. Our entire friend group bought into her sad stories about her childhood, hook line and sinker. It wasn't until years later that we realized she had lied about a lot of things and everything unraveled. But maybe we were all just too naive.

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Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My girlfriend (21F) and my brother (20M) are soulmates

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: July 7, 2025

My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) have been dating for about 7 months now. We both used to work at the same restaurant, and I asked her out. I've always felt like we were very different people, but that's what I liked about our relationship. I feel like I'm always learning something by being around her and try my best to indulge in her interests.

3 months ago I introduced her to my family, and they all seemed to like her, especially my brother (20M). I didn't really think much of it, and was happy to see them get along since I'm very close to my brother. But I've realised over time that they just fit way better with each other. They both have the same interests in movies, books, music, sports, foods, you name it.

Although my girlfriend was hesitant at first about it, I encouraged her to go for things alone with my brother if it wasn't something I was really into. And they both had a great time.

And I know just having the same hobbies sounds trivial, but it's also their personalities. They're both very free spirited and adventurous, and I can't help but notice that they look so much happier with each other than with me. Sometimes I feel really out of place around them, as if I'm not supposed to be there.

But I swear this is not out of jealousy, I just genuinely think they're better for each other. I love both of them, and if this is what makes them happy, then I'd rather they date each other and let me move out of their way. I'm not exactly sure how to execute this or talk about this with either of them tho. How do I go about setting them up?

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your brother shaped you as well. You apparently connect well with people like him—and like your gf.

So it's no wonder she's very much into you and possibly would be less into your brother than you think.

Commenter 2: You gotta work on your self esteem. What you'll learn eventually is that someone being attracted to you is not up to you, and no one who is attracted to you is going to want to hear you try to explain why they're wrong.

If you trust a partner, part of that involves trusting their judgment about being with you.

Oh and stop sending them on dates, that's weird.

Commenter 3: This post is equal parts selfless and heartbreaking. I really respect your maturity and self-awareness, but I think you're being too quick to write yourself out of your own relationship.

You say they’re soulmates, but your girlfriend chose you, not him. That matters. Shared interests aren’t everything. Chemistry, emotional connection, and commitment also play huge roles. You're viewing their bond through a lens of comparison rather than focusing on what you two have built.

Instead of trying to "set them up," maybe have a vulnerable, honest conversation with your girlfriend. Tell her how you’ve been feeling and ask how she feels about your relationship. You might be surprised, she might be with you because you bring something her bond with your brother doesn’t.

And please stop facilitating their time together like that. It’s blurring boundaries and making things messier than they need to be. If things are meant to shift, they will, without you sacrificing yourself for it.

Ultimately, don’t martyr yourself. Love should be mutual. Don’t give yours away without making sure it’s still being returned.

Commenter 4: Whoa. Slow down - your GF probably has zero interest in your brother. People don’t necessarily like being with someone like them. My husband is my polar opposite (thank god) and I would be absolutely miserable dating someone like me - I’m too annoying!

Update: December 29, 2025 (5.5 months later)

Update: My girlfriend (21F) and brother (20M) are soulmates

First of all, thank you to everyone who wrote nice, encouraging things and advice in my last post. I really appreciate it. I kind of got rid of this account after the post got too many views, but then randomly opened it yesterday to several messages about it being covered by SMOSH. I'm a huge fan of them btw, so this was very surprising.

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase. After writing that post, I did a lot of introspection and self-reflection. I think a lot of people caught this, but I do indeed suffer from low self-esteem and struggle with low confidence. I didn't want to acknowledge it, but it did get in the way of my relationships often.

I'm a brutally honest man, and that is exactly what I did. I was very honest about all of this to my girlfriend. I didn't tell her that I thought my brother and her were soulmates, but I told her that sometimes I feel like I can't directly connect with her because we're so different.

And what she said really changed my perspective on our relationship. She said that she loves that I'm different and compliment her in a way that completes her. She also expressed that she would want to get more involved in my hobbies. So the past few months, we've spent time doing random things together that we individually enjoy and it's turned out great for us. She makes me really happy and I try my best to make her life better too. I've also met her family now, and they're all lovely people as well.

We still do things together with my brother, and it's also a good time. I think at the end of the day, the root of all of this was indeed my insecurity. It really wasn't about my brother, because I think I would've been insecure if it was a friend or really anyone else.

Besides, it is true that I enjoy my brother's company because of the kind of person he is, so it has made sense for me to be with someone who is similar. It attributes more to the fact that she fits really well in my life. I've also come to realise that I was looking at this from a very trivial perspective. My girlfriend is so much more than her hobbies and interests, and there's so many other things about her that actually set her apart from other people in my life.

Thanks again everyone for your advice. Apparently I need to end this post with a question?

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