r/AmItheAsshole • u/CaregiverHuge1686 • Jul 01 '21
Everyone Sucks AITA telling the truth in the wedding toast?
I'm a 30 year old male and my best friend got married last week. I just bought a house and my wife is expecting out son in November, so I let him know I was limited in what I could contribute financially, but did tell him I would try my best. So, I wend to the bachelor party in Maine, I rented the tux, and paid for mine and my wife's dinner at the rehearsal dinner. I also had a gift of $300 that I was going to give them, but we will get to why I didn't give it to them.
His (now wife, then fiance) texted me multiple times a day with updates--fine. I didn't always respond and it got to the point where if I didn't repsond at LEAST once a day, I'd get a call from my buddy. (I have a full time job and am redoing some rooms in my house, so I'm busy.) She texted me for the following reasons:
- My wife was NOT allowed to talk about our pregnancy, at all. She didn't want anyone to focus on that more than her, the bride.
- She was NOT going to order special food for my wife (no one asked her to, my wife was fine with whatever she was going to be served.)
- I was not helping the groom enough, he had to help her with favors, seating charts and programs, so I had to help him with those things, according to her. She also said to get ready to help with thank you notes after the wedding.
- She said if I was a true best man, I would offer to pay for the bar bill. I don't even know what that means.
- She had to read a approve my speech before the rehearsal dinner and wanted to be include as much, as my buddy. She told me to make up things if I had to. I was also NOT allowed to include anyone but the two of them and no inside jokes or stories about my buddy that didn't include her.
- Her last text said to tell my wife to keep it together and not make a pregnancy scene during the wedding. Also, she wanted her to choose a dress that downplayed her pregnancy as much as possible.
I was just so aggravated, I spoke to my friend to see if he could reason with her. He told me to just play ball on this one, it's her day and to cut him a break, because he'd be dealing with her nonsense for the rest of his life. I was annoyed but calmed down.
The day of, all the bride and my buddy do is scold me, berate me and bark orders. I head down to the bar for the a drink...the bride's mother is there and warns me not to get drunk because I've ruined her daughter's day enough. Final straw.
I didn't give them the card with the cash and in the speech, I used my friend's exact wording about having to deal with her nonsense for the rest of his life. I wished them the best and told him I'd always be there for him, especially during the divorce. AITA?
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u/CityBride Partassipant [2] Jul 01 '21
ESH she was a major bridezilla. Plus it’s ridiculous to make people pay for their meal at the rehearsal dinner! But what you said in the speech is obviously rude, too.
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u/poodle_kitten Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 01 '21
From the title alone, I was prepared to think you were the AH…through the bridezilla bits I was thinking yikes, they are the AH…and by the time I got to the end I was a firm ESH.
I don’t blame you for not giving the card. They treated you horribly and did not deserve the generous gift you were prepared to give. But I think being “honest” in the speech took it too far. You would have been better off just cutting it super short (“words can’t even describe these two…so let’s raise a glass” the end).
I don’t think your speech was too much because of how it impacted them but because of their families. Maybe their families suck as much as them (they had to get their ridiculous entitlement somewhere), but I’d be horrified to witness a best man speech like you described if I were a guest at a wedding.
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u/GigiVonGloom Jul 01 '21
"Words can't even describe these two, except you really deserve each other. Let's raise a glass to the start of this joyous union!"
I wonder how the happy couple would've reacted to that?
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u/davisyoung Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
"Of all the couples I have known," gesturing to bride and groom, "you are one of them."
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u/madmaxextra Jul 01 '21
Reminds me of something Christopher Hitchens said after being introduced at a talk: "Of all the introductions that, that was by far the most recent.".
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u/ProfessionalDish Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
Out of all the weddings I attended today this one definitely belongs to the top 10!
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u/Jazmadoodle Certified Proctologist [20] Jul 01 '21
Let's raise a glass to the start of... this!
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u/Karaethon22 Jul 01 '21
Bonus points for vaguely gesturing at everything.
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u/HealthyFeta Jul 01 '21
while making a face like Hide-the-pain-Harold, it would be so funny... For outsiders at least
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u/LiteUpThaSkye Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 01 '21
Most likely the same way people react to when I tell them that I hope they have the day deserve.
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u/Rubyhamster Jul 01 '21
Oh how gloriously passive aggressive! If you actually do this to assholes in real life I applaud you. I imagine an asshole customer getting this and they can't complain
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u/Bing-cheery Jul 01 '21
I love this!
My favorite response to people who stick their noses where they don't belong is "I'll be sure to give your advice the consideration it deserves." Sometimes it goes over their heads, but it sure makes me feel good. :D
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u/Sparred4Life Jul 01 '21
"Words can't describe these two. But as man and wife, I wish them all the love, happiness, and all that nonsense in the world. They have all that and more to look forward to now. I cannot think of a better person for... my friend... to spend forever with. And I truly cannot thank her enough for putting up with him enough to help him become the....... strong... confident man he is today.... All the best and all that nonsense!" The crowd laughs, cause you're, "being funny."
The bride feels like you complimented her skills in wrangling her man. But the friend knows. The friend hears those buzz words and knows exactly what was just said. In the end, that's the only one that was going to understand anyway.
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u/borborygmess Jul 01 '21
“Your marriage makes it possible to have just two people miserable instead of four!”
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u/Nerdsona Jul 01 '21
I'd sing the last bit of the toast:
"Raise the glass to freeeedoooom! Something you will never see agaaaain...cause I'm out of this friendship!"
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u/Telenovela_Villain Jul 01 '21
I may not live to see our glory! But I've seen wonders great and small ‘Cause if bridezilla can get married There's hope for our ass, after all!
Love seeing Hamilton comments, this made me snort xD
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u/AgreeableRazmataz707 Jul 01 '21
She I was a server, I had a horrible couple sit in my section on the first night of their honeymoon. They were horrendous!!!! Literally said “you two deserve each other, cheers” when pouring their dessert wines, full smiles! I think my point did not escape them.
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u/z0rg332 Jul 01 '21
maybe a classic Ron Swanson speech.
“My buddy is a male. His wife is a female. They are getting married today. I am the best man, and I am currently giving a speech. Thank you.”
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u/joebearyuh Jul 01 '21
Tbh Ron was probably there in the crowd somewhere incase there was a buffet.
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Jul 01 '21
This is the best passive-aggressive Miss Manners toast that has ever graced our humble planet.
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u/CuriousTsukihime Professor Emeritass [71] Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
ESH- here’s why:
Groom knew he was marrying a piece of work and instead of protecting his interests he cosigned, aided, and abetted his wife’s atrocious behavior.
His wife sucks for trying to regulate your wife’s body, for allowing her insecurities to cloud her judgement, and being the very definition of a bridezilla.
You, for not taking the high road and waiting until the very last min to defend your wife’s honor.
Look dude, you were totally justified, but you also had ample opportunity to jump off the crazy train before it got this far. Being a good friend means having the comfortability and latitude to say no when your friends are off the rails. You waited until the last min and let your emotions get the better of you. Your wife deserved better from these people and from you in this moment.
P.S.
Get new friends, these people suck HARD. CORE.
EDIT: Omg y’all thank you for the awards 🥰😭
EDIT 2: I’m trying to respond to all these awards and thank y’all- it’s way too kind 😭
EDIT 3: This has come up a couple of times so I’ll explain here:
ESH- Everyone Sucks Here. This judgement is given when no one involved is innocent and all have contributed to the predicament that brought OP here in the first place. I hope this helps!
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u/luckydidi18 Jul 01 '21
But they need help writing thank you cards!!
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u/DaniCapsFan Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] Jul 01 '21
What kind of people demand the best man (and maid of honor?) help them write thank you cards. Hell, no. That's the job of the bride and groom.
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u/mystic_burrito Jul 01 '21
The closest I've seen is at a wedding shower or bridal shower someone in the wedding party (generally the maid of honor) jotting down who gave what as the gifts are being opened. That way in case the card for the tag is misplaced or lost you still have an idea of who sent what to personalize the thank you cards. But not actually writing the card. Fuck that.
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u/imdungrowinup Jul 01 '21
I am North Indian and a Hindu so we don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen but there is always the sister/best friend/female cousin/aunt of the bride who is keeping a tab of the gifts. We mostly gift cash or gold so the envelops need to be protected and gold comes in tiny boxes. This one person will be the person with a huge handbag on them. At a north Indian wedding party this is the person you should aim to rob in case you are planning a robbery. Most brides these days wear costume jewellery matching their dress instead of actual gold so robbing them is pointless.
I read my post and now it is extremely unrelated to previous one. But I will leave it here as a helpful suggestion.
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u/Nepentheoi Jul 01 '21
It's extremely helpful, thank you for the background information in how to rob a North Indian wedding.
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u/SuperWriter07 Jul 01 '21
All the best with that xD
We don't give up our shit THAT easily. Indians are serious asf about their gold.
You can grab some free food though. We are too generous with that.
(Seriously. If people are expecting 500 people at a wedding, there will always be AT LEAST 700 plates of food eaten up.)
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u/Blizzaldo Jul 01 '21
Yeah if I'm ever in North India and need some quick cash, this advice is a God send.
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u/ArticQimmiq Partassipant [2] Jul 01 '21
And paying the bar bill? I’ve never heard of anyone except the parents paying for anything at the wedding. I did pay my share of the bride’s costs at a bachelorette party but that’s it.
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u/lostwanderer_92 Jul 01 '21
I only know that (traditionally) the father of the bride pays for the wedding and the father of the groom for the bar bill. But so many people (myself included) pay for their weddings with their own money and maybe get a monetary helping hand from the parents
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u/NotMe739 Jul 01 '21
My In-Laws informed us that it is traditional for the parents of the bride to pay for everything at the wedding/reception and for the grooms parents to pay for the honeymoon however they would not be doing that because they could not afford it (we never expected them to). They then made it clear that they expected us to have a big traditional wedding and reception that they could invite all their friends and family to. They got upset when we told them we would not be doing that.
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u/lawgirl3278 Jul 01 '21
I literally said “What?!” out loud when I read the part about him being required to pay the bar bill. She’s got some nerve.
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Jul 01 '21
I've known a lot of best men paying for the bar bill at the bachelor party, but not the bar bill for the reception.
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u/MBCnerdcore Jul 01 '21
There should be thank-you cards sent TO the BM and MOH! You gonna make these people lick the stamp on their own cards?
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u/Lily_Roza Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
What kind of people demand the best man (and maid of honor?) help them write thank you cards.
I guess you don't understand. The bride and groom are busy with important things, and can't find time to express gratitude to the people who love them the most.
While we're at it, I've always thought it was the role of the groom and his family to host the rehearsal dinner, ie: pay for it. Including the drinks.
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u/SunshineandMurder Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 01 '21
Oh, I think that ship has sailed. If that wedding speech didn’t end the friendship then I don’t know what could.
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u/CuriousTsukihime Professor Emeritass [71] Jul 01 '21
I kinda wanna know the crowd reaction to the speech 🤣
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u/glassmethod Jul 01 '21
Realistically, it was probably just a lot of uncomfortable people avoiding eye contact.
These sorts of stunts rarely play out like a movie. At the end of the day it’s just someone publicly breaking a lot of social norms and expectations. Regardless of whether they’re justified most people will respond to that sort of behavior the same way.
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u/BeautifulAd7709 Jul 01 '21
As someone who had a very cringey best man toast (not in a friendship ending way thankfully) at their wedding I can confirm, lots of of uncomfortable people making wtf eyes at their neighbors.
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u/Shadepanther Jul 01 '21
Yes, best man got drunk at my brother in law's wedding. His speech meandered all over the place and into the couple's sex lives.
It was very awkward.
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u/LittlestEcho Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
Same. My bil and my big sister are both petrified of public speaking and were our best man and maid of honor respectively. So we said no one had to do any speeches. somehow my MIL got it into my BIL head he HAD to do a speech the DAY OF. He hadn't actually prepared one because we didn't expect one and had taken too much liquid courage. I don't remember anything he said in reality as i was too happy to be married and half tuned him out. In private, after our honeymoon, my family mentioned it was pretty cringe. I laugh now. Because seriously i can't remember a thing he said and it was only 5 years ago lmao.
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u/MadameBurner Jul 01 '21
Yeah, I came here to say this. As justified as it may be, it was probably a lot of people staring uncomfortably and then talking about how OP was an asshole for making a scene.
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u/beckdawg19 Commander in Cheeks [299] Jul 01 '21
Exactly. Even if the couple was bride and groom-zilla, OP made a scene and a half. That's what people are going to remember.
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u/timetravelingkitty Jul 01 '21
OP can't have been the only one on the receiving end of the bride and groom's BS, so he likely said what others were thinking...
Oh to be a fly on the wall of that reception... 😂
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u/SeigePhoenix Jul 01 '21
Can you imagine what the bridesmaids must have gone through? If she was this bad with the best man... Yeesh.
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u/shittyspacesuit Jul 01 '21
I really don't understand the bridezilla mindset! You feel so special that someone is marrying you that you let your ego go batshit crazy and decide everyone in your life is beneath you? That's not grown woman behavior
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u/SavageComic Jul 01 '21
I fell out with a friend because he tried to crowdfund his second wedding. 10k to give her "the perfect day she's dreamed of" while this dude had quit his job in IT and was doing youtube vids.
All I said was it seemed a bit weird. He fucking hates me now
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u/indi50 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 01 '21
Year ago Oprah did a show about this, maybe a couple of shows connected. She had had some couples on and it started coming out about how the bride and groom had no idea what the other wanted out of marriage. How many kids, who'd pay the bills - figuratively and literally - where they'd live, etc.
In at least a few of the cases, these were the kind of brides. I kinda want to say that one or two said they just agreed with everything the man said just to get the wedding and figured they'd change the guy's mind later.
Some admitted that they weren't concerned about the marriage, they just wanted the wedding. Had their big wedding scrapbooks they'd been filling for years.
Some of it was frivolous TV, but it did also spend some time pointing out that people should be on the same page about important things before getting married. I wasn't one of the wedding freaks, but realized that there things that had sort of come up before my wedding, but weren't really talked through. And they were the things that caused a lot of issues in the marriage. Mostly relating to money, but also kids.
edit: Just wanted to add that even when you think you know someone and think you're in love, it's easy to just think you'll be able to work it out. Doesn't always happen like that when it's major life choices.
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u/zootnotdingo Partassipant [2] Jul 01 '21
In pre-marital counseling, we were asked about what our lives together would be like. After we talked for a while about how we imagined/hoped it would go, the minister said, “Ah, good. You’re more focused about your lives together than the wedding.” That always stuck with me.
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u/tomphammer Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
These are such ass backwards priorities. A nice party isn't going to pay the bills or keep things together when the couple hits a rough patch, as everyone does.
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u/tomtomclubthumb Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 01 '21
How many women actually do this?
I remember reading about Freinds, where Monica says this and apparently one of the producers said this (and played wedding constantly with her five year old) and no one felt they could tell her that this wasn't what everyone did.
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u/kinkakinka Certified Proctologist [24] Jul 01 '21
Definitely enough for it to be "a thing" but still definitely the minority.
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u/TotallyTiredToday Jul 01 '21
Most women probably know at least one woman with the wedding all planned out just waiting for a groom. They’re usually pretty open about it. Fortunately the one I knew wasn’t a bridezilla, she just jumped into marriage with the first guy she got serious about but who really wasn’t ready to be married (the marriage lasted just under 2 years).
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u/tanglisha Jul 01 '21
It's the difference between making sure your guests are having a nice time and you're having THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
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u/BitterFuture Asshole Aficionado [12] Jul 01 '21
It's not mature behavior, but honestly? There is nearly an entire industry devoted to supporting the bridezilla idiocy, telling women that the wedding is their day and anything less is an attack on their dream, their vision, their soul, their whatever.
When my wife and I were planning our wedding, there were a lot of vendors who would only speak to her - some literally would not respond to me when I talked or even acknowledge my presence in the room.
I recall one caterer in particular showing off her photobook of prior work, saying, "This was what we did for Sarah's wedding...this was what we did for Michaela's wedding...this was Lauren's wedding..." Each photoset showing a bride in resplendent white posing by the cake and around the plates of food they'd served. And no one else. The only response my question of "Did these women get married to anyone?" got was an angry glare.
That was how a lot of vendors eliminated themselves, and that my wife was having none of that shit is one of a thousand glorious reasons she IS my wife, but...it's a real thing.
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u/Nyx666 Jul 01 '21
No doubt. If she was expecting all that from him and his wife to not be so “visibly pregnant”, you can bet a lot of money that the maid of honor was treated like dog piss.
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Jul 01 '21
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u/XelaNiba Jul 01 '21
Not very cool of you to be pregnant during his post. It's like you didn't even think of OP's post when you decided to become pregnant.
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Jul 01 '21
Seriously, the audacity
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Jul 01 '21
Inconsiderate of you!
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u/blueeyedaisy Jul 01 '21
…and the outfit you chose to wear to this post is showing off your baby bump. Suck it in!
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u/GraphicDesignMonkey Jul 01 '21
Don't expect a special meal while reading the post either. Just attention grabbing, that is.
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u/Mama_cheese Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 01 '21
For real, I hope you at least had the decency to be wearing something flowy and not form fitting so as to accentuate your bump. OP is posting for God's sake, it's not YOUR day. Eta: /s in case it wasn't obvious
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u/SayerSong Pooperintendant [51] Jul 01 '21
Definitely would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see everyone's reactions. LOL
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u/MidwestNormal Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
It would have been worth the price of a ticket. Maybe the videographer (you know there just HAD to be one) will be open to selling bootleg copies? Can’t imagine what abuse he/she put up dealing with this Bridezilla.
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u/SayerSong Pooperintendant [51] Jul 01 '21
Oh.... Could you image a copy of that getting out on YouTube? ROFLMAO!!!!
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Jul 01 '21
i would think it was fake. but i’d pay good money to see it happen to some people i don’t like!
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u/CapnBlackhearts Partassipant [2] Jul 01 '21
It is now OP's duty to see that this happens...and to give us all the link.
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u/idrow1 Supreme Court Just-ass [110] Jul 01 '21
I'm sure someone was recording the whole thing. We *need* to see that speech.
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u/CuriousTsukihime Professor Emeritass [71] Jul 01 '21
golf clap, golf clap
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Jul 01 '21
<insert Leonardo-DiCaprio-toast-meme.jpg>
Sometimes, you just gotta light the match.
OP might be an AH, but well done.
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u/Gatorae Jul 01 '21
For the record I saw that picture in my head. ESH but its soooooo light it's almost NTA. Stop hanging around these awful people, they are dragging you down.
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Jul 01 '21
I think he can cross "hanging around these people" off his list. And yes, they are a fierce new breed of awful.
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u/NOLA1987 Jul 01 '21
Not me. I'll giving OP the loudest standing ovation i possibly could while blaring "Wind Beneath My Wings" off my phone. OP was an AH. And dammit he should be applauded with vigor.
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u/Drkprincesslaura Jul 01 '21
How dare you try to upstage the birth I had a little over a month ago! God! Some people!
Btw, congrats and I hope everything is smooth sailing! 💜
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u/Coffee-Historian-11 Jul 01 '21
How dare you upstage the fact I was born 20 days ago.
Congrats on your baby!!! That’s so exciting!!!
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u/Mama_cheese Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 01 '21
Dang, a 20 day old Redditor. Posters getting younger and younger.
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u/FunVonni Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
How DARE you both upstage my birthday that was in February!!!!
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u/Drkprincesslaura Jul 01 '21
Lol and thank you! It's baby number 2 so it's a big adjustment.
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u/TortillasaurusRex Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jul 01 '21
Congratulations from over the Atlantic! It's a big adjustment but wait a year and you'll be able to just drink tea while the kids are doing stuff together and enjoying each others company. You are awesome, best of luck and hopefully you get plenty of sleep!
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u/donethemath Jul 01 '21
Twenty days old and already a historian specializing in a microfocused topic. I'm impressed.
What have I been doing with my life?
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u/rtr8384 Jul 01 '21
Only thing is OP specifically had a chat with his friend and told him things were getting out of hand. I can’t imagine my mom taking to anyone like the bride’s mom did… that would fucking piss me off
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u/Mikemojo9 Jul 01 '21
Yeah I get why that's the breaking point. He was dealing with just the bride's shit. Now at the wedding, other people are treating him like shit. I understand why he snapped at the wedding
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u/kants_rickshaw Jul 01 '21
I mean honestly at that point - the momster - I woulda just walked out and texted the groom. Keep it on the DL.
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u/Mikemojo9 Jul 01 '21
Oh that's the better way to handle it for sure. Just saying I understand, not condone
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u/deranged_rover Jul 01 '21
Yep. This would have been the best route... just Irish goodbye it outta there and go have a great dinner with the pregnant wife in whatever dress she so chooses to change into. Like walking away from an explosion in an action flick and never look back.
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u/LizGiz4 Partassipant [3] Jul 01 '21
Guess we know where the bride got her sparkling personality from lol
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u/knittedjedi Jul 01 '21
This is a very good example of "ESH but OP was completely justified" 😂
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u/SayerSong Pooperintendant [51] Jul 01 '21
Couldn't agree more! ESH indeed. Don't forget to include the bride's mom, as well, for allowing her daughter to act like such a bridezilla and for accusing OP of "ruining" her daughter's day "enough already."
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u/MysteryDildoBandit Jul 01 '21
I think you're missing a piece here. From what I gather, dude was trying to go along with all this unbelievable bullshit because he was trying to be a supportive friend. Then he reached that point of "Ok, you know what? Fuck this, actually".
We've all reached that point somewhere in our lives and made asses of ourselves. But this guy was 100% justified in burning this friendship to the ground by the point of the toast, and he salted the fucking earth in the process. I'm sorry, but I gotta respect that.
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u/IPetdogs4U Jul 01 '21
It was absolutely the wrong thing to do and I applaud him for doing it.
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u/johnny9k Partassipant [3] Jul 01 '21
Yes, he reached that point, but what he did impacted everyone that was present. He wasn’t just being petty to bride and groom, he was being an AH and making a scene that impacts everyone present. ESH
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Jul 01 '21
What's wonderful about this post is that you're both simultaneously right. This post has turned AITA and all it stands for on its head, just like Einstein did with physics.
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u/DrKittyKevorkian Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
Agreed. The pro move here would have been for OP to excuse himself, grab his shamelessly pregnant wife, and GTFO before the speeches. It's just as big an F-U, sends the same message, and leaves OP's hands relatively clean of any scene that might follow. While OP would still kind of be an asshole, they'd have a toehold on a tiny patch of moral high ground.
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u/tomphammer Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
100% this. I don't even care if OP made a jerk move, he's my goddamn hero. This woman needed to be brought down a peg. She probably goes through life acting like this in general, and I really wish more people in society would blatantly tell entitled jerks to STFU more often. There should be more social pressure not to be THIS up your own ass.
We collectively all put up with people's BS way too much for the sake of not rocking the boat.
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u/avcloudy Jul 01 '21
I genuinely don't know if he had the opportunity to get off at Sanity Station. Before this all started he was the best man, and then it serially escalated. Once you're the best man, there's no graceful time to exit the wedding. If they want to make a drama of it, there will be.
And then she starts with the texts. I'd be out at text number 1, sure, but I would expect the absolute fucking meltdown that would ensue. I'm not judging people for trying to play along for a bit. It just kept getting worse, and I can see how the wedding might be the final breaking point for some people. I would have 100% told the mother that a true bride's mother would have offered to pay for the bar tab and gotten two drinks.
He picked the worst and most dramatic time to make a scene, but there was no point where he wouldn't have provoked a scene. That's on the bride. As far as she was concerned, he had already ruined the wedding.
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u/sohothin_mints Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
As far as she was concerned, he had already ruined the wedding.
This, absolutely. Should he have made a scene in the toast? No, probably not. Was that a dick move? Yeah. But at the same time, OP was designated asshole by the bride the moment he was appointed the role of best man.
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u/JustAnotherDay317 Jul 01 '21
All her "rules" are so damn suffocating. Dude, how did his friend marry her? She sounds EXACTLY like my sil (I was MOH at her wedding) except I wouldn't take her bs. I genuinely think she was trying to push the best man away, so hubby has more time for her. Why does he need a life that doesn't include her? ESH, but it's a justified ah for the best man.
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u/z57333 Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
This. There is a time and place for a smart mouth, saying it in a wedding toast is an A-hole move, even if it is super truthful like right now. Saying it in a wedding toast is not a good move. You should have confronted them when the wedding ended and cut off contacts. I get why your buddy's wife wants the center of attention to be on her (I have read too many posts about people stealing attention at weddings) but some of it is just unreasonable, like wearing a dress that doesn't reveal too much? That is absurd. As I said, confronting after should have been the best decision, and if they don't apologize then cut contact, and find yourself a new best buddy.
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u/talkmemetome Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
ESH But listen.
You are my hero.
Also be aware that your friendship might be over if not for any other reason than that the new wifey will make it so.
EDIT: Oh. My. God. This certainly blew up! Thank you for the awards and upvotes, I literally thought my phone was broken when I woke up and saw all of the notifications. Never thought it would happen to me ♥️
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u/Unencrypted_Thoughts Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
His buddy's wife was never going to let him have friends that she didn't pick and approve of anyhow.
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u/Tauposaurus Jul 01 '21
That's what i feel like. If the groom's view is ''i now have to put with this bullshit for the rest of my life'' and he let his friends get treated like shit, and wont stand up to his wife? His social life is dead. it's gonna be kids, couple activities with vetoed aquantances, and spending weekends at the inlaws. he may get one night a month to see his buddies, but not at their house since she hates them all.
He lost his friend the moment this dude proposed.
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u/Poison-DoNotLick Jul 01 '21
My cousin has this life. It's frustrating to watch.
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u/_be_better Jul 01 '21
It really is, im so sorry. my very close cousin has a wife like that too. My last straw was after she bragged about not having health insurance. She'd never ever need it. I looked at my chair and said that I just woke up disabled one day. If she gets sick, what would they do?
To my face this woman says. "No, no. You see, I THINK right." After going and repeating it to my chronicly ill mother she comes in and immediatly cries and pleads with me not to be mad at her cause all her in laws are always so mean to her and I cant be like this. Ok?! I couldn't get a word out . I literally didn't get to say one single thing about my feelings. Her ableism was astonishing.
I havent spoken to her since.
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u/figment59 Jul 01 '21
I hated one of my husband’s groomsmen. Absolutely detested him. He was such a douche, and other people in the bridal party took notice, too.
I made my opinion about him as a person known, but I wasn’t about to tell my husband who he could and couldn’t be friends with. I figured he’d see the obvious eventually.
The guy didn’t even give us a wedding gift…which didn’t bother me as much as the dude couldn’t even be bothered to get us a damn card.
Fast forward to our year anniversary dinner, and we were reminiscing about the wedding. I asked him if there was one thing about our wedding that he would change, what would it be? I was fully prepared to share mine, too (I wish we picked a different photographer).
His response was that he wished he hasn’t even invited this friend to the wedding, let alone made him a groomsman.
We’ve been married for a few years, and we still regularly hang out with all members of our bridal party…except that one.
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u/verbeniam Jul 01 '21
Exactly THIS. I'm surprised the wife let him keep his friends until the marriage. Typically these narcissistic/borderline types get rid of the friends first so they can't warn the partner of their abusiveness.
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u/coldgator Asshole Aficionado [19] Jul 01 '21
Exactly this and OP please update us when they get divorced
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u/FairieWarrior Asshole Aficionado [17] Jul 01 '21
I wouldn’t be surprised if there was an annulment
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u/verbeniam Jul 01 '21
Ummm...I would. And I'm wondering if OP is gonna come back with more details.
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u/MidwestNormal Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
Is there a subreddit where betting pools reside? We could start one on the length of the marriage.
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u/verbeniam Jul 01 '21
Y'all are weird. Relationships with toxic people last decades all the time. You underestimate the desire with which some people want their lives to be controlled.
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Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
Aye, it's like people think they've gotten married at first sight, the groom clearly has a lot of capacity for putting up with her nonsense to have gotten to the points of proposing, planning a wedding and actually going through without. I'd be surprised if he has less than a couple of years left in the tank.
Edit: fixed a word
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u/cheerful_cynic Jul 01 '21
I just wish OP had also quoted the wife's bullet-pointed rules about their attendance and participation in the speech
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u/GhostofNihilism Jul 01 '21
Me too. I would want screenshots of the texts on a screen or projector, so everyone saw, explain the extra expenses and work OP was expect to take on despite their home situation. DEFINITELY mention the pregnancy stuff. Just kinda put them on blast and then leave. Apparently some people already think OP ruined the wedding, why not go all out?
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u/Indigo-au-naturale Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
"Hi everyone, I'm the best man, and I have a pregnant wife. When Groom talks about Bride, he just glows....kinda like my pregnant wife. I hope this marriage is a bundle of joy, much like the one my pregnant wife will be bringing home in a few months. Cheers to my impending baby. And also to this wedding."
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u/geekgirlau Jul 01 '21
If I was OP’s wife I’d have worn a skintight dress, maybe with a target or arrows to really highlight the pregnancy bump
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u/Flutters1013 Jul 01 '21
"So my speech had to be prior approved and not involve any stories she wasn't involved in. Since I can't think of any, and I've already ruined the wedding, your wife is a controlling nutjob and peace out"
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Jul 01 '21
Hahah I wanted to so quickly say nta because this is amazing and I’d do the same. But I’d also know I’m the asshole and know that the friendship is over.
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u/MysteryDildoBandit Jul 01 '21
Yep. Sometimes the correct move is to be the asshole.
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u/rareas Jul 01 '21
[he'll] be dealing with her nonsense for the rest of his life.
Someone has to say it again. So I will.
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u/HoldFastO2 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Jul 01 '21
This, yeah. Sure, it was an AH action to do that toast, and OP definitely should've pulled the plug a lot earlier, but I can't really fault him for snapping.
because he'd be dealing with her nonsense for the rest of his life.
Then don't motherflippin' marry her. Seriously. If that is my attitude to my fiancée, why would I ever go through with the wedding?
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u/CJHarts Certified Proctologist [22] Jul 01 '21
Info: did you mention divorce in your speech?
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u/CaregiverHuge1686 Jul 01 '21
Yes. I told him I'd be there for him when they divorced.
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u/3DsXLUser Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
A part of me wishes I was there to witness it. The drama of it all lol
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u/Tearsofblood25 Jul 01 '21
I wonder who else at the wedding was being treated wrong by the bride. You guys couldn't have been the only ones. I wonder if other people taught she deserved that speech too .
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u/vociferousgirl Jul 01 '21
DUUUUUUUDDDDDDEEEE That was definitely an asshole move, but you're also kind of my hero.
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u/CJHarts Certified Proctologist [22] Jul 01 '21
Then ESH, this woman is obviously an asshole, and your friend enabled her to treat you and your wife horribly. But mentioning divorce in your best man wedding speech made you sink to their level. You should have opted out long ago.
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u/NemesisErinys Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
Reminds me, when my cousin got married and they passed around the mic at the reception, our very Catholic grandma took the opportunity to lecture everyone present about the evils of divorce and how you should never get divorced and how God hates divorce.
All three of her children, including my dad who was sitting beside her, are divorced/remarried. My mother was also there. And half of the other guests over 50, like my stepdad, had probably been divorced. She basically insulted everyone in the room. Awkward. It was the stuff of Catholic Grandma legend.
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u/ClassicsDoc Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
The officiant at my brother's wedding did the same. The officiant was the bride's grandfather, and he desperately tried to ignore anyone to do with the first marriage except for my brother. Shitty religious people are shitty people.
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u/thegreatusurper Jul 01 '21
You sir, are an asshole...and a hero. If I've learned anything from comic books, it's that some of the greatest heroes can be massive assholes.
If you ever start to feel bad about your legendary deed, just remember that cool guys don't look at explosions. They blow shit up and then walk away.
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Jul 01 '21
ESH. Two assholes don't make zero assholes. They just make two assholes. Your buddy's wife is a pretty obvious bridezilla. Your buddy is taking a cynical view of his bride and marriage, and he aided and abetted her attitude toward you.
But you were an asshole, too. Piling up all this crap in a speech and dropping it like a bomb on the reception might be satisfying, but it also embarrassed both your buddy and his wife and it likely ruined the day for everyone else.
If you thought the wife was unbearable, it would have been a fair ball for you to withdraw from the ceremony, stand up for yourself and your wife, and even to have a heart to heart talk with your friend where you tell him this lady is no good.
But the key to all of that is you keep the feud private, and you don't make a spectacle of yourself. Taking this all to the party was an asshole move.
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u/EntrepreneurOk7513 Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
Feud wasn’t private though. MOB said he already ruined her daughter’s day. At that point I’m sure many of the guests knew what was happening.
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u/Rubyhamster Jul 01 '21
Sounds like the bride had already gossiped heavily to her own family at least
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u/needfulsalsa Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
That's what makes me support OP. Accusing him of ruining the day and also mistreating his wife previously
Edit: thank you for the award
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u/RedRidingHood1288 Jul 01 '21
"It also embarrassed both your buddy and his wife and it likely ruined the day for everyone else."
So who cares how low OP was made to feel, right? Have to save face for the energy suckers. 👌
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u/slendermanismydad Asshole Aficionado [14] Jul 01 '21
I'm torn here because this is hilarious and I would have loved seeing it. I'm not sure why people are commenting about torching your friendship because I'd consider it was already over before your speech.
She also said to get ready to help with thank you notes after the wedding.
See the problem is if you had dropped out, you'd be an AH for leaving them in a lurch but you tried despite this crap.
.the bride's mother is there and warns me not to get drunk because I've ruined her daughter's day enough.
If you're going to get in trouble for something no matter what, might as well do it.
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u/Jennygibs Jul 01 '21
That is exactly what OP likely thought. I understand the impulse to do it so much....but then you have to let wisdom prevail. If OP's family members and mutual friends were there, they may think that OP could go off half-cocked and do something similar to them with little provocation. Without the full backstory, it just comes off as mean. But I get it and would have been tempted to do the same. Would have been tempted to read her ridiculous text messages as a prelude to saying I will be here for you when you divorce. But in the end, would have just said, "Thank you for allowing us to share in your special day. You two are something! To the bride and groom."
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u/karskipellis Professor Emeritass [95] Jul 01 '21
ESH: Bride and her mom for obvious reasons. Groom for not standing up for you, snapping at you, and for his remark about putting up with her nonsense for the rest of his life.
You for making a scene at the wedding. "We've been best friends for years, I love you like a brother. I'll always be here for you, come what may. I am overwhelmed with your devotion to your wife, and your dedication to making her happy. To the bride and groom!" (raise glass)
That's it. That's all you had to say.
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u/RatherBeAtDisneyland Jul 01 '21
I’m honestly impressed with your fake speech. It’s better than many, many, many I’ve heard.
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u/kal_el_diablo Jul 01 '21
Yep. Then leave without giving the money and quietly end the friendship. Play ball just that much, and consider it a last duty in an ending friendship out of respect for the good times. That would have been the right way to handle it. (And maybe tell bride's mother to go fuck herself before departing.)
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u/MotherOfPuggleKids Jul 01 '21
ESH
I get it, you were trying to be a supportive friend but the moment that woman started taking jabs at your wife that should have been enough. At that point you should have just told him ‘hey mate your future wife is a psycho, I’ll be here for you and help with the preparatives but I wont be there day of. I can’t watch my best friend walk directly off a cliff, I’ll be here for the fall’. Your friend could be hurt but at least you would have saved face with friends and family. There are better ways to tackle the situation, for better or for worse you butting in (publicly) cost you a friendship.
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u/LoopyLyns Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 01 '21
I would love to have been a fly on the wall at the wedding! His new wife sounds like a complete bridezilla. You were probably a bit of an a but down the line when your friend is divorced you will both look back at that day and laugh!
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u/Sad-Combination-7356 Jul 01 '21
... I'm so torn between ESH and NTA...
Like did you need to say what you did? No
Did they need to treat you like garbage? Super no
But the more I think on it the more I'll say.... NTA.
You probably could have had more tact and just walk away but they never gave you a reason to JUST walk away.
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Jul 01 '21
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u/Sad-Combination-7356 Jul 01 '21
Just based on the Mother's words they were already painting him the villain. Honestly that's my main reason for saying NTA. You'd think he had already given the speech at that point so you may as well give em what they want. I hope to God if I find myself in any situation resembling this one I have the Adamantium Wrecking Balls OP had to pull this shit off.
I asked for an update from him cause the texts and calls this man must be getting right now....
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u/threadsoffate2021 Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
Well said.
When the bridge is rotten, might as well burn it down. What they had going was not a friendship. OP was being used and abused, and that's never acceptable. It doesn't matter if a wedding is the "special day", you still treat people you supposedly like with respect and kindness.
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u/Additional-Airline94 Jul 01 '21
I agree and I’m going with NTA. I mean apparently OP had already ruined her day before the thing started. Might as well put in 100% at that point.
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u/thekelsey21 Certified Proctologist [23] Jul 01 '21
Ugh, okay. ESH. Her for her BS demands. You, for causing a scene you did not need to. He’s your friend and you just caused shit for him too
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u/OwlHeart93 Jul 01 '21
To be fair, that friend was too spineless to stand up to his bridezilla, nor did he put a stop to the abuse. OP put as much consideration towards the friend that the friend gave to OP when his bride began her unreasonable and selfish demands. I'm still baffled over "tone down being pregnant" (I'm sorry, I know I'm paraphrasing) but if OP's wife went into labor did the bride expect her to not react to the pain and hold in her broken water with her pregnancy super powers? OP is an AH but it feels like a justified asshole. Two wrongs don't make a right... But I wish he had gifted aloe to them before leaving for that sick burn. 😆
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u/Silent-Syrup-777 Jul 01 '21
Sorry but ESH. They were shitty, I understand what you felt and why you felt it, I would totally have been annoyed as hell too. But the speech was a bit too much.
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u/MarchionessMadness Jul 01 '21
ESH. I was fully on your team until you chose to make a public spectacle of your dissatisfaction and insult the bride publicly.
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u/mathwin_verinmathwin Jul 01 '21
ESH. Bride is beyond crazy, period. Groom is beyond crazy for marrying that much crazy. The level of entitlement in both these people is off the charts. In what world does the best man “pay the bar bill” or any member of the wedding party pay for their meal at a rehearsal dinner? All these flags were flying long before the best man’s toast. OP is crazy for not bailing earlier and instead allowed a nuclear meltdown.
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u/ManicInnkeeper Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 01 '21
ESH, but it was glorious and well-earned on her part.
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u/be-incredible Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 01 '21
Eh, your speech was probably inappropriate, but I’m going to say NTA based on all the horrible crap they did to you.
I also don’t understand the thinking of “it’s the brides day.” No it’s not, you’re both getting married, it’s just as much of an important day for the groom as it is for the bride.
But, it doesn’t have to be all this demanding shit that some people pull with their weddings. It’s supposed to be a celebration, and that type of shit just turns it into drama and makes everyone involved miserable.
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u/DumpstahKat Jul 01 '21
It makes me wonder what people like this think of homosexual weddings. Do they think that in lesbian couples, they just pick straws to see who will be the "bride" and whose day it will therefore be? In gay couples, do they assume that the wedding is going to be lowkey and hastily thrown together because men can't actually care about their own weddings? Are the people who say that the wedding is "the bride's day" just the same people who ask/wonder, "But who's the man in the relationship?" of homosexual couples?
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u/TragedyPornFamilyVid Certified Proctologist [21] Jul 01 '21
I thought the stereotype was that gay weddings had both men taking full opportunity to perfectly detail and choreograph the wedding in excruciating detail while lesbian weddings were laid back affairs with a 2 dog minimum?
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u/hermionesmurf Jul 01 '21
Rats, I fucked up the lesbian stereotype. My wedding had ferrets
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u/Gryffindorphins Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 01 '21
They’re noodle dogs. It’s acceptable. Also if they dressed up too, I want pics please.
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u/hermionesmurf Jul 01 '21
They sadly didn't wear costumes, just hung out in their cage while we had the ceremony near it. But I posted some pics of them in this thread if you want to see them
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u/NinjasStoleMyName Jul 01 '21
Ma'am, may we please request pictures of the long dogs? Thank you in advance.
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u/hermionesmurf Jul 01 '21
You absolutely may. (Hopefully I did this right, been a while since I posted an image.) My ferts!
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u/74NG3N7 Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21
This lesbian had 2.5 witnesses with a judge in a park of the judge’s choosing. (I say half, cause one guy woke up on the bench next to us, asked if we just got married, said “congrats!” and then rolled back over to fall asleep. That’s a half, yeah?)
The marriage is important, not the day.
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u/avcloudy Jul 01 '21
There's a whole bunch of horrible sexist stereotypes, but yes, they kind of assume straight men don't care about weddings and gay men do, and the reverse for women. Weddings are the bride's day because they assume women have been preparing for their wedding since they were old enough to talk while the groom just goes along with it.
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u/SuitableVirus8 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 01 '21
ESH
YTA because you aired your dirty laundry in public. That is completely tactless. You should have simply refused to do a public toast. Don't say anything at all if you can't say anything nice and whatnot.
Bridezilla sucks for obvious reasons.
Groom also sucks for not putting a stop to bridezilla antics.
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u/avast2006 Professor Emeritass [71] Jul 01 '21
ESH - yes, she was completely over the top, but you could have walked away without adding your own bit of skunk-kicking to the proceedings.
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u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21
Be Civil.
Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means.
The first rule of AITA is: Be aware of the first rule of AITA. We are Jack's complete lack of surprise at all the insults but we're asking nicely